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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:09,843 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:13,959 Arliss (narrating): For most of us, 3 00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:16,020 the dream of becoming a champion 4 00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,652 remains a fantasy. 5 00:00:18,718 --> 00:00:20,588 But for a special few, 6 00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:23,393 it is very much a reality. 7 00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:24,456 We cheer them, 8 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:25,864 we live through them. 9 00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:28,855 Athletes are our last warriors. 10 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:33,128 My job is to make their dreams come true. 11 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:35,499 My name is Arliss Michaels. 12 00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:37,768 I represent athletes, 13 00:00:37,837 --> 00:00:39,607 these are my stories. 14 00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:42,842 ♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪ 15 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:46,309 ♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪ 16 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:50,349 ♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪ 17 00:00:50,416 --> 00:00:53,786 ♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪ 18 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:57,693 ♪ It happens to be true ♪ 19 00:00:57,757 --> 00:01:01,487 ♪ I only wanna be with you ♪ 20 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,801 ♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪ 21 00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,674 ♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪ 22 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:12,005 ♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪ 23 00:01:12,071 --> 00:01:15,681 ♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪ 24 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,152 ♪ No matter what you do ♪ 25 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:22,552 ♪ I only wanna be with you ♪ 26 00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:28,491 Arliss (narrating): One of the swell things about my chosen profession 27 00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,515 is the opportunity it affords me 28 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,230 to visit exciting and exotic places. 29 00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,803 Kirby, why are we here? 30 00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:37,702 You know I hate the beach. 31 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:38,984 Just give it a chance. 32 00:01:38,983 --> 00:01:40,203 No, you don't understand. 33 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:41,896 If you microscopically wrote, 34 00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,668 "Arliss Michaels hates the beach," 35 00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:45,336 onto every grain of sand, 36 00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:47,205 it still would not underline enough 37 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:48,813 how much I hate the beach. 38 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,505 You won't be sorry, okay? 39 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:53,208 Excuse me! Oh! 40 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:54,579 Oh, hi. 41 00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:56,447 I enjoyed that. 42 00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,346 Cocoa butter on Italian gabardine. 43 00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,488 That can't be good. 44 00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:02,362 Arliss, I present to you an exciting new world 45 00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:04,692 with precious, untapped natural resources 46 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:07,857 just waiting to be... tapped. 47 00:02:07,927 --> 00:02:09,827 Behold! 48 00:02:09,896 --> 00:02:11,856 (cheers and applause) 49 00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,737 Woman: Whoo! 50 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,635 Arliss (narrating): There comes a time in every agent's life 51 00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:24,138 when he discovers something truly inspiring. 52 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:27,145 Caramba! 53 00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:29,383 And it's not always just the athlete. 54 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:31,449 Sometimes it's their milieu, 55 00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:33,417 the arena in which they toil. 56 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:34,966 - See those guys over there? - Uh-huh. 57 00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,921 That's Urch and Rack. 58 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,730 By next year, they'll be the best two-man volleyball team in the country. 59 00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:43,003 Okay, they knock down more tail in a weekend 60 00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:45,032 than I do in a year. 61 00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,798 (women screaming) 62 00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:51,869 Listen, all these people, they get in for free? 63 00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:53,138 For free? For free? 64 00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:55,383 (whistle blows) 65 00:02:57,043 --> 00:03:01,253 Can I apply a free sample of Catalina Tropic's non-oily sunscreen? 66 00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:02,884 Nectarine number Nine. 67 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:05,919 Oh! Honey, you can apply Nine through Ninety-Nine. 68 00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:10,690 Oh man, there's too much stuff being given away for free. 69 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:13,227 I haven't seen one dime exchange hands. 70 00:03:13,292 --> 00:03:14,762 Unless you count panhandlers. 71 00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:18,027 Now see, you can change all that with your marketing genius. 72 00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:19,997 Oh boy, I'm telling you, 73 00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:22,236 it's not the sport that's golden. 74 00:03:22,301 --> 00:03:25,511 It's the scene, dude! 75 00:03:25,571 --> 00:03:28,681 (cheering and applause) 76 00:03:38,851 --> 00:03:40,821 Thanks. 77 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,417 Arliss (narrating): Timing is everything. 78 00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:46,289 Arliss always says Carpe Diem. 79 00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:49,299 Seize the moment. You must become one of them. 80 00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,102 Speak their language. 81 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,704 I got nothing against scratch, Arlo. 82 00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:55,736 We notch every night. 83 00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:57,372 Wake up to breaking waves, 84 00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,567 slap white leather till sunset. 85 00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:01,669 Yeah! We're already rich. 86 00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:06,507 I believe you mean "enriched," like flour. 87 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,879 Quite stalling, Arlo. Hurry up and drink. 88 00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:11,348 - Oh, no, no, no. None... none for us. - No, no, no. 89 00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:12,787 (scoffs) 90 00:04:12,852 --> 00:04:13,922 Losers! 91 00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:17,889 "Losers"? 92 00:04:17,957 --> 00:04:19,327 Losers. 93 00:04:19,392 --> 00:04:20,992 They're calling us losers. 94 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,830 Wrong. You guys are the losers. 95 00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:25,426 Open your eyes! 96 00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:28,738 All of you! Don't you see what you got in front of you? 97 00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:32,041 Volleyball should be every bit as popular as basketball. 98 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,105 It's got passion, it's got grace, 99 00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:37,743 and above all, it's got hard bodies with very little on! 100 00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:39,710 It's sexy! It is hip! 101 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,949 The only thing is, you're giving your product away for free! 102 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,087 That's stupid. 103 00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:50,494 You guys need to be marketed! 104 00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:52,256 You should have a world indoor tour! 105 00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:54,755 Yeah! The majority of the women players last year 106 00:04:54,827 --> 00:04:57,597 made less than $10,000 on the circuit. 107 00:04:57,663 --> 00:04:59,103 Oh my God, it's worse than I thought. 108 00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:00,565 That's below the poverty line! 109 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,573 Tour's been done, dude! 110 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,095 Been done all wrong. 111 00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:06,010 We'll bring the scene to the people! 112 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:09,042 The landlocked, the huddled, beach-less masses 113 00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:10,508 throughout the world. 114 00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:16,582 Guys! This man represents Barry Bonds, Shaq, and Jerry Rice. 115 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:19,249 Wayne Gretzky, Reggie Miller, Albert Belle, Cigar. 116 00:05:19,318 --> 00:05:21,288 We would be so stupid not to do it. 117 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,164 How do we know we can trust these guys? 118 00:05:23,222 --> 00:05:24,472 They don't shred. 119 00:05:24,475 --> 00:05:25,725 Yeah. They don't drink. 120 00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:27,792 And I don't trust nobody who don't drink. 121 00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:32,195 Well, in that case, barkeep! 122 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:35,665 Line up ten of Jose's family on both sides of the table! 123 00:05:36,702 --> 00:05:38,342 Double shots! 124 00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:39,814 Here's the game. 125 00:05:39,872 --> 00:05:44,312 Shirts versus... skins. 126 00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:46,347 Who's ever left standing wins. 127 00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:48,706 What do you got in mind, agent? 128 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,451 We win? 129 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:52,016 You join the tour. 130 00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:54,154 You win? 131 00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:55,860 Cuervo Gold for life. 132 00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,090 (crowd oohs) 133 00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:03,558 Let's rock. 134 00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:07,804 Boss, listen, you can't even handle Diet Snapple. 135 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,297 How you gonna outdrink these guys? 136 00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:10,998 I'm not! You are! 137 00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,340 No, no, me? I can't! 138 00:06:12,405 --> 00:06:14,035 I've been on the wagon for three weeks! 139 00:06:14,106 --> 00:06:15,806 It just hit a bump. Get in there. 140 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,175 No, no, no, listen. One more week and I get a chip. 141 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:20,204 Listen, you talked me into this, now get in there! 142 00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,156 - No, no, no, you can't make me! - Take one for the team! 143 00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:23,421 - No, no, no! - For the team! 144 00:06:23,482 --> 00:06:25,802 Look, they're gonna make us drink against somebody's father. 145 00:06:29,488 --> 00:06:30,788 "Father"? 146 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,400 Well, I must be yours. 147 00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,202 'Cause I've been "notching" your mother. 148 00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:39,404 Ooh! 149 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,530 Crowd: Ooh! 150 00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:49,413 ♪ ♪ 151 00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:50,935 (inaudible) 152 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:55,723 Woman: All right! 153 00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:21,241 Man: Whoo! Look at that. 154 00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:26,811 (woman laughs) 155 00:07:31,183 --> 00:07:33,393 (crowd cheering and applause) 156 00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,434 (crowd cheers) 157 00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:41,763 Tequila makes me thirsty. 158 00:07:41,827 --> 00:07:43,557 Somebody get me a beer. 159 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:46,799 And somebody call my sponsor. 160 00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,436 (cheers and applause) 161 00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:54,044 Losers! 162 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,047 Well, something has to be done about her hair. 163 00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:04,715 I mean, we have to curl it, 164 00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:07,154 or cut it, shag it, or shape it. 165 00:08:07,219 --> 00:08:09,689 And these breasts. Are we married to them? 166 00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:12,455 We're gonna play on colored sand in indoor arenas. 167 00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:14,785 Jade, neon, cherry-cherry. 168 00:08:14,860 --> 00:08:18,100 Call it the Catalina Tropic or Hobie Tour! Sell off signage! 169 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,774 Introduce players with a laser show. 170 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,072 Concerts afterwards. 171 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,713 Now, Sally and Lisa, Rack and Urch, are gonna be our flagship teams. 172 00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:25,396 I'm gonna get "Cosmo," "Elle," "GQ." 173 00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:27,481 Every fashion mag out there shooting. What do you think? 174 00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:31,776 I think that your penises have overpowered your brain, 175 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,984 and taken common sense hostage. 176 00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:35,516 Now, in Kirby's case, I can understand 177 00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:36,978 the brain not putting up a fight. 178 00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:38,319 But you, Arliss? 179 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,004 Sinking your money into something like this. 180 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:42,059 Commissioner Carlisle, could I see you for a minute? 181 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:49,860 Commissioner Carlisle? 182 00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,499 It's a decorative title. 183 00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:52,634 He doesn't do anything. 184 00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,078 It's sort of like the Queen of England, 185 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,800 or the General Manager of the Yankees. 186 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:59,008 Now, the entire makeover's going to cost $50,000. 187 00:08:59,071 --> 00:09:00,441 Not including pictures. 188 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:02,606 But I've got Leibovitz to do the photo layout. 189 00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:05,035 - Annie? - Uh, no, her cousin, Kurt. 190 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,751 He gets $10,000 a day, 191 00:09:06,812 --> 00:09:08,412 but he uses very little light. 192 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:11,216 Approved. 193 00:09:11,283 --> 00:09:13,993 Okay, you got a cheesecake flying circus. 194 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,793 So, what? I see a lot of money going out, 195 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,255 but where's it coming in from? 196 00:09:18,290 --> 00:09:20,690 ♪ CBS ♪ 197 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,500 ♪ Welcome home ♪ 198 00:09:22,561 --> 00:09:24,261 Arliss: Les... 199 00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:26,270 Beach volleyball was huge in the Olympics. 200 00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:28,372 120 million people tuned in. 201 00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:32,074 120 million people tuned in to synchronized swimming. 202 00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:33,748 It doesn't mean it's gonna beat "Seinfeld." 203 00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:35,673 Oh, Les, come on! What have you got to lose? 204 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,481 CBS hasn't had a hit show on Thursday night 205 00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:38,883 since Buddy Ebsen retired! 206 00:09:38,944 --> 00:09:40,024 What are you talking about? 207 00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,159 "Murder, She Wrote," "Diagnosis: Murder," doing very well. 208 00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:43,751 Oh, Les, come on! 209 00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:45,946 Nothing against Angela Lansbury and Dick Van Dyke, 210 00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:48,488 but between the two of 'em, there's nobody left to kill! 211 00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:50,364 So the answer is beach volleyball? 212 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,623 It's counter-programming. 213 00:09:51,690 --> 00:09:54,690 Look, this NBC "Must See" stuff is totally overrated. 214 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,500 "Seinfeld." Good show, I'll give you, 215 00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:58,062 but "Single Guy," 216 00:09:58,130 --> 00:09:59,470 "Caroline in the City"? 217 00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,342 - What about "Friends"? - That's the most overrated! 218 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:02,537 It's annoying. It's cloying. 219 00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:04,011 You do know I had a little something to do 220 00:10:04,036 --> 00:10:05,176 with the development of that show. 221 00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:06,514 You didn't let me finish! 222 00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:09,282 Look, what do all these NBC comedies have in common? 223 00:10:09,341 --> 00:10:10,811 They're in the top ten? 224 00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:11,976 No, no, no! 225 00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:13,954 They're all about a bunch of good-looking people 226 00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:16,353 sitting around indoors fully-clothed. 227 00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:17,475 So? 228 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,120 So I give you... 229 00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,945 counter-programming. 230 00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:27,031 Tell me they won't get your audience 231 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:28,293 to stick around for Letterman. 232 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,997 And, Les, you do know, 233 00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:34,965 if you don't jump on this, 234 00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:36,204 FOX will. 235 00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,838 Okay, I need two things. 236 00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:41,574 An umbrella sponsor that I can sell to my sales guys. 237 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,080 - Fine. - And two, I need your stars. 238 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,183 Give me a couple of your superstars, you got a deal. 239 00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:48,475 Great! Now let me ask you a question. 240 00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:50,617 Do you ever think about bringing back "Mannix"? 241 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,045 When you said you had an opportunity for me, 242 00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,671 I thought we were finally going to open up 243 00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:59,019 Cecil Fielder's Grand Slam Burgers. 244 00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,131 Cecil, would you rather go to work 245 00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:02,763 and see two greasy fry cooks, 246 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,428 or come to the beach and see two greased mega-babes? 247 00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:08,596 You got a point. 248 00:11:09,768 --> 00:11:11,238 Set. 249 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,605 Oops! 250 00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,837 I think that's out. 251 00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:18,149 Yeah, and the idea in this game 252 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:20,080 is to keep the ball in the ball park. 253 00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:21,776 Oh. 254 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,167 Arliss Michaels' office. 255 00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:24,476 (phone ringing) 256 00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:26,550 Please hold for Commissioner Carlisle. 257 00:11:27,786 --> 00:11:29,386 - Hey, Rita. - Where are you? 258 00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:31,685 The commissioner's office. 259 00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:33,527 Listen, Rita, I need you to get Stanley 260 00:11:33,592 --> 00:11:34,632 to cut a deposit check 261 00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:37,033 to the Poggi-Tozi Sand Company. 262 00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:39,366 They've, uh, sent us some samples. 263 00:11:39,431 --> 00:11:41,471 You do it. I don't work for you. 264 00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:43,998 (giggles) 265 00:11:44,069 --> 00:11:45,099 What was that? 266 00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:47,811 My, um, screen saver. 267 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,713 - (phone rings) - Hold on. 268 00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:52,075 Arliss Michaels' office. 269 00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,384 One moment, please. 270 00:11:53,445 --> 00:11:57,815 Rita, what is this $7,000 bill for Rack's aromatherapy? 271 00:11:57,883 --> 00:11:59,953 Michael Armstrong, line two. 272 00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:03,159 Oh, what does this prick want? 273 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,262 Hello! How's the man with the wooden handshake? 274 00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:08,094 (chuckling) Oh, now, Arliss. 275 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,430 You're not still bitter because we bought jerky 276 00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:12,326 instead of your little boutique, are you? 277 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,778 No, no, no, no. Why should I be bitter 278 00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:16,169 cause you reneged on a $54 million deal? 279 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,535 Good! Because I understand 280 00:12:17,603 --> 00:12:20,173 you're talking to CBS about a little, uh... 281 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:21,369 volleyball tour. 282 00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:23,778 That's right. 283 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:24,837 Cute idea. 284 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,550 We had something in the works along those lines ourselves. 285 00:12:27,613 --> 00:12:29,353 You probably stole the idea from us, huh? 286 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:30,975 I didn't steal it from you, 287 00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:33,630 and you're not clever enough to think of it on your own, so get off of my wave! 288 00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:37,592 Now, now, let's not get all pissy. 289 00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:41,026 Concorde Pro Management was going to make a generous offer 290 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,533 to buy you off of that tour. 291 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,325 (chuckling) Save your breath! 292 00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:47,226 There is no way I would consider selling it to you. 293 00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:48,399 What are you offering? 294 00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,097 We take over everything including your expenses, 295 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,870 and give you a two million dollar buyout. 296 00:12:53,872 --> 00:12:55,312 Are you kidding?! 297 00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:57,644 Two million dollars for all the work I put into this? 298 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,620 Rita, how long have I been working on this project? 299 00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:00,755 Eleven days. 300 00:13:00,764 --> 00:13:01,884 Two and a half years! 301 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,847 And you offer me two million dollars? 302 00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,776 Shame on you! Shame on you! 303 00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:06,901 Make it ten, and we can close. 304 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,989 (chuckles) There you go again. 305 00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:12,394 Greed. Two million is as high as I can go. 306 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,688 Well, then, we have nothing to talk about. 307 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,659 Ooh! Can I feel your muscles? 308 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,371 Strong man! 309 00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:21,602 Big bill. 310 00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:26,965 $10,000 for aura cleansing? 311 00:13:27,039 --> 00:13:28,909 Aura cleansing? 312 00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:31,344 What is with these people? 313 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,180 Kurt: Beautiful. This is the shot. 314 00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:34,575 Look in the lens. 315 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,577 Right here. Make love to the lens, guys. 316 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,579 Give me some fire. Give me some ice. 317 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:39,891 Come on now. 318 00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:42,152 A little less fire. A little more ice. 319 00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:44,191 - Perfect. Perfect. We've got it. - Great. 320 00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:47,126 So where are, uh, Urch and what's her name? 321 00:13:47,192 --> 00:13:49,532 Lisa's practicing and Urch hurt his foot. 322 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:51,125 We had a game at Redondo. 323 00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:53,296 He stepped on a petrified kelp pod. 324 00:13:53,365 --> 00:13:56,095 A petrified kelp pod? 325 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,998 Petrified kelp, rotator cuffs. 326 00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,010 '60s aluminum flip-tops. 327 00:14:00,072 --> 00:14:01,172 Career killers. 328 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,240 Is this serious? 329 00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:05,439 Fifteen stitches, but he'll be cool. 330 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,151 Urch has tremendous nad. 331 00:14:07,212 --> 00:14:08,212 Arliss, please. 332 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,680 Oh, yeah, sure. 333 00:14:12,751 --> 00:14:14,191 Can you step out of the way? 334 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,256 Okay, feel the seashore. 335 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:20,755 I wanna see the sand! 336 00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:22,696 Arliss, they are incredible. 337 00:14:22,761 --> 00:14:24,311 - I definitely see the potential. - Sure! 338 00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:27,270 But a suntan lotion company sponsoring indoor volleyball? 339 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:30,003 Catalina Tropics self-tanning bronzing gel. 340 00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:31,469 Indoor pro-beach tour. 341 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:32,637 Here's how it works: 342 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,605 you hand out free samples at the door. 343 00:14:34,673 --> 00:14:36,343 People watch, get bronzed, 344 00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:38,338 and buy your product as they walk out. 345 00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:39,560 What's not to like? 346 00:14:39,563 --> 00:14:40,713 What's in it for you? 347 00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:42,819 A piece of the concessions at the gate 348 00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:43,991 and the network advertising. 349 00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,086 Ooh, you are amazing. 350 00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,651 But then, so are Sally and Rack. 351 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,821 All right. I'll huddle with my people about the tour. 352 00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:54,630 You don't close with anybody until you talk to us last. 353 00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:56,103 Great! 354 00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:59,131 Now, the only thing, her name isn't Sally anymore. 355 00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:00,298 Lisa: Excuse me! 356 00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:02,396 We had a practice! 357 00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:03,698 I'm not finished here. 358 00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:07,009 Look, volleyball player formerly known as Sally, 359 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,482 if you're not serious about the game, 360 00:15:08,507 --> 00:15:09,737 I'm gonna find a new partner! 361 00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:11,608 (clears throat) Lisa, Slasha! 362 00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:13,877 Uh, have you met our new sponsor? 363 00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,146 New partner? Go ahead. 364 00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:18,315 See how much media attention you get without me. 365 00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:20,054 See how much media attention you get 366 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:21,729 when you don't qualify for the tournaments. 367 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,044 Fine! 368 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,320 Chick fight! Dig it. 369 00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:26,020 You're on your own. 370 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,029 I'll get, uh, Slasha a new partner. 371 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:37,838 No problem. 372 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,665 ♪ ♪ 373 00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:51,922 Luscious Liz Masakayan. 374 00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:53,894 How's the baroness of the beach set? 375 00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:56,322 Forget it, Arliss! 376 00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:59,688 I'm not playing with Slasha or whatever her name is. 377 00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:02,688 Now how do you know that's what I came all the way down here 378 00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:04,131 just to see you for? 379 00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:06,566 You're wasting your time. 380 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:08,512 I'd partner with you before I'd partner with her. 381 00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,444 Except you haven't seen me in a thong bikini. 382 00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:12,942 Liz, listen, I think together you and Slasha'd become 383 00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:14,365 one of the great teams of all time. 384 00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:17,376 Like Butch and Sundance, Batman and Robin, Bruce and Demi! 385 00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:18,913 Ball and chain? No way, Arliss. 386 00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:20,777 Look, it's one thing that Sally McGuinness 387 00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:22,046 has cement feet on the sand. 388 00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:24,194 It's another thing she's a king-sized pain in the ass! 389 00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:25,916 So you'll think about it? 390 00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:29,256 I'm trying to practice here. Can you get off the court? 391 00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:30,858 It's a public beach. 392 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,130 I win! 393 00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:40,968 No, that's a four and a six. 394 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,503 You can't... you can't put... 395 00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:46,369 No, you gotta flip one. You don't have it. 396 00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:49,008 So, this is the Commissioner's Office, huh? 397 00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:50,844 Arliss, great to see you. 398 00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:52,909 Chuck, two Commissioner Cocktails 399 00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:55,148 and hold my calls. 400 00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:56,754 (sighs) We got some bad news. 401 00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:59,145 Urch when ballistic when he hurt his foot, 402 00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:01,118 and demolished the bathroom here. 403 00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,116 AMM's gotta pay for it. 404 00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,518 Aw, man. I don't need this today! 405 00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:08,325 Lisa and Slasha broke up. 406 00:17:08,393 --> 00:17:09,763 We can't have that. 407 00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:11,458 Yeah, well, we do. 408 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:14,030 No, this office can't have that! 409 00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,869 That's a violation of, um, 410 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,944 Section Five, Paragraph Six 411 00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:20,143 of the WIBF bylaws. 412 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:21,525 You know, it's too late for Slasha 413 00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:22,953 to join the tour with a new partner. 414 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:25,475 The filing deadline was yesterday! 415 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,949 So change the deadline. 416 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,484 Get new by-laws. 417 00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:34,190 That would be abusing the power of my office. 418 00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:36,863 And it's not in the best interest of volleyball. 419 00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:40,833 Who made you the god of volleyball? 420 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,633 Uh, you did. 421 00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:45,664 Well, guess what. The owners elect the commissioner. 422 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,201 Since I am the only owner so far, 423 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:51,337 then I can vote one to nothing to have you impeached! 424 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,443 You wouldn't do that. 425 00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:55,870 (slurping) 426 00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:57,511 Would you? 427 00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:01,575 Yo, Arliss. 428 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:05,348 How do you get service in restaurants? 429 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:07,952 You order. 430 00:18:14,493 --> 00:18:15,693 Arliss: Slasha... 431 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:18,461 the Catalina Tropic people are getting a little uneasy. 432 00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:21,300 They won't sponsor the tour unless you find a partner. 433 00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:23,736 Sally: Well, I won't have any problem finding a new teammate. 434 00:18:23,802 --> 00:18:25,802 Arliss: Well, one would think, 435 00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:27,351 but it seems that your style is suited 436 00:18:27,406 --> 00:18:29,506 for something a little bit more... 437 00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:31,015 you know, a different type of partner. 438 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,753 Someone who can jump a little higher in the sand, 439 00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:35,652 and spike the ball and maybe serve. 440 00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:37,594 Sally: Are you saying that I can't play the game? 441 00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:39,379 - No, no, no. - Who then! Who said this? 442 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,791 Everybody else! 443 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,117 Well, they're jealous. 444 00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,187 They're jealous that I'm on magazine covers 445 00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,166 and that I'm getting offers from Bausch and Lomb, 446 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:47,231 and the E! Channel. 447 00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,532 Let me just set this one up for you and then duck. 448 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:52,425 Would you entertain the idea of re-teaming with Lisa? 449 00:18:52,497 --> 00:18:54,527 Not if she were the last player on Earth. 450 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,870 Well, Slasha, I believe she is. 451 00:19:00,672 --> 00:19:02,512 You think Tommy Hilfiger puts up with this? 452 00:19:04,042 --> 00:19:06,382 I just need you to go to the bank and get some cash! 453 00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:08,275 Poggi-Tozi don't take checks! 454 00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,477 Well, did you step on some petrified kelp? 455 00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:11,849 Go walk over there yourself! 456 00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:12,947 I have a meeting. 457 00:19:13,018 --> 00:19:14,728 You know, I'm sick of you not giving me the respect 458 00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:15,753 worthy of my title. 459 00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:16,987 He balled his fist! 460 00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:19,055 Children! Please. 461 00:19:19,124 --> 00:19:20,964 Arliss, God, I'm glad you're here. 462 00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:22,426 (growls) 463 00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,272 What's he been doing? Making wine? 464 00:19:30,435 --> 00:19:32,295 No. Yesterday, we were at a sand company 465 00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:33,651 testing out the color and texture 466 00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:35,235 of some Key West Coral 467 00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,337 and the dye they used, apparently 468 00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:40,049 infected the cut he got from the petrified kelp. 469 00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,782 And as it turns out, 470 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,617 it's sort of... permanent. 471 00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:45,072 (nervous laugh) 472 00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:46,448 Oh, good. 473 00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:49,218 Yeah, the next 36 hours are really critical 474 00:19:49,287 --> 00:19:50,317 according to the doctors. 475 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:52,863 Or what? 476 00:19:52,924 --> 00:19:54,394 They may have to amputate. 477 00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:55,489 His foot? 478 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:56,525 Shhh! No, no, no. 479 00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:58,055 His right toe. The big one. 480 00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:59,430 - (screams) - Sorry. 481 00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:02,868 Oh, this is great. I can't catch a break. 482 00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:04,104 Take him home. 483 00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:07,069 I would, but a transient set fire to his trailer. 484 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,679 Another $67,000 in volleyball invoices. 485 00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:13,152 Another $67,000? 486 00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:15,581 And the Catalina Tropic people are on their way over. 487 00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:17,717 Arliss, you're not paying me enough to work for you, 488 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,023 and the village idiot. 489 00:20:19,084 --> 00:20:21,464 Oh, what's the matter? Falling behind in your "Vogue" reading? 490 00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:25,016 Tell her to go to the bank and get me $5,000 in $100 bills. 491 00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:27,230 Another $5,000? For what? 492 00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,892 For Poggi and Tozi. 493 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,860 For research and development! 494 00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:32,759 (scoffs) Of colored sand! 495 00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:34,471 That's toxic and indelible? 496 00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:35,573 You've gotta be kidding. 497 00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:36,874 I'm not paying those guys dick. 498 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,202 (pounding at door) 499 00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:41,335 (Poggi and Tozi growl) 500 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,136 Rita, would you get petty cash, please? 501 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,050 Where is Slasha? 502 00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,718 She's always late. 503 00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:56,486 Can he jump without a big toe? 504 00:20:56,555 --> 00:20:59,055 Hell, he could never jump with a big toe. 505 00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:00,734 (laughs) Concur! 506 00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:02,592 Okay, well, we have to get going. 507 00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:04,541 She'll have to meet us at CBS. Come on. Let's go. 508 00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:07,233 Whoa, whoa, time out, Arlo. 509 00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:09,029 I noticed where the end of the tour 510 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,871 conflicts with the big wave season. 511 00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,436 Yeah, so? 512 00:21:12,504 --> 00:21:14,014 So, me and Urch haven't missed 513 00:21:14,072 --> 00:21:16,342 the Banzai Pipeline in, like, ten years, 514 00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:19,378 and I don't think we're starting now! 515 00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:21,254 Deal breaker! 516 00:21:21,313 --> 00:21:22,533 Is he serious? 517 00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:23,752 Of course not! 518 00:21:23,815 --> 00:21:25,045 (whispers) Is he serious? 519 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,787 Uh, when it comes to surfing, Urch is very serious. 520 00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:28,903 (door opens) 521 00:21:28,905 --> 00:21:29,955 Sorry, everyone! 522 00:21:30,021 --> 00:21:31,621 Traffic. Kisses. (kissing) 523 00:21:31,690 --> 00:21:33,660 Kisses! 524 00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:35,630 Oh. My. God. 525 00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:36,834 Ay Caramba! 526 00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:40,265 People! I have something really, really sad to tell you. 527 00:21:46,671 --> 00:21:48,441 I promised myself I wouldn't cry, 528 00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:51,777 but star athletes cry when they retire, don't they? 529 00:21:51,843 --> 00:21:54,383 I mean, I see it on ESPN all the time. 530 00:21:54,446 --> 00:21:55,606 "Retire"? 531 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,450 I'm hanging 'em up. 532 00:21:58,517 --> 00:22:00,287 Well, actually, that's not right. We play barefoot, 533 00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:01,548 but you know what I mean. 534 00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:05,190 What a flake! I can't believe you made me get back with her! 535 00:22:05,257 --> 00:22:07,087 What about the tour? 536 00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,229 You know, you're walking away from a lot of money. 537 00:22:09,294 --> 00:22:11,934 Not really. I mean, I'm walking away from a lot of money 538 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:14,527 to just gobs and gobs of money! 539 00:22:14,599 --> 00:22:16,599 I just signed with Elite Modeling Agency! 540 00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:18,598 You signed with a modeling agency? 541 00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:20,340 Oh, and that's another thing. 542 00:22:20,405 --> 00:22:23,705 You know that brew deal you signed Urch and me up to? 543 00:22:23,775 --> 00:22:25,035 Corona! 544 00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:27,380 What's wrong? The 12 cases didn't arrive by breakfast? 545 00:22:27,445 --> 00:22:29,945 No, it's just, I only drink Bud! 546 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,275 That's my brand. 547 00:22:31,349 --> 00:22:33,249 I can't wear the Corona logo! 548 00:22:33,318 --> 00:22:36,288 - No, you can't... - I'd be, like, lying to the American people. 549 00:22:36,354 --> 00:22:37,894 'Cause I'm a Bud Man! 550 00:22:37,890 --> 00:22:39,420 Deal breaker! 551 00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:41,661 Liz Masakayan, she'd sign with Lisa! 552 00:22:41,726 --> 00:22:44,296 - Lisa: I'd play with her. - Great. What's she look like? 553 00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:45,732 Rita. 554 00:22:47,499 --> 00:22:49,069 Get me Mike Armstrong. 555 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,443 Oh, oh, oh! Guess what my first gig is? 556 00:22:53,505 --> 00:22:55,205 The "S.I." swimsuit issue. 557 00:22:55,273 --> 00:22:56,273 Woo-hoo! 558 00:22:56,341 --> 00:22:57,591 Finally, I can relax on the beach 559 00:22:57,609 --> 00:22:59,139 instead of running around on it. 560 00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:01,481 Yeah? And since when have you run around on the beach? 561 00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:02,846 You're jealous. 562 00:23:02,914 --> 00:23:04,284 You've always been jealous of me. 563 00:23:04,349 --> 00:23:06,919 $300,000? Last week, you offered me two million! 564 00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:09,285 You have to figure in depreciation, Arliss. 565 00:23:09,354 --> 00:23:11,724 Do you know how long I've been working on this project? 566 00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:13,790 Rita, how long have I been working on this project? 567 00:23:13,859 --> 00:23:15,029 Fifteen days. 568 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:17,003 Three and a half years I've been working on this! 569 00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:18,828 Fine, then. 570 00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:20,067 Go somewhere else. 571 00:23:20,131 --> 00:23:23,171 Arliss, you don't mind if I fire up the bong? 572 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:26,135 It has, like, medicinal value for my partner. 573 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:31,977 Sold to the man with the wooden handshake for $300,000! 574 00:23:32,043 --> 00:23:34,083 Arliss! How am I supposed to sell this? 575 00:23:34,145 --> 00:23:37,645 A stoned three-legged men's team and a divorced women's team! 576 00:23:37,716 --> 00:23:38,996 I'm gonna be late for my colonic. 577 00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:40,790 Fine. Let me break the seal! 578 00:23:40,852 --> 00:23:42,922 Sally: Bitch! How dare you! 579 00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:44,718 Girls. Girls. 580 00:23:44,789 --> 00:23:46,889 (Sally and Lisa arguing) 581 00:23:49,828 --> 00:23:51,828 Chick fight. 582 00:23:51,897 --> 00:23:53,497 - (bong bubbling) - Dig it. 583 00:23:53,565 --> 00:23:56,395 (indistinct shouting continues) 584 00:23:59,638 --> 00:24:00,668 Arliss, do me a favor? 585 00:24:00,739 --> 00:24:03,209 Please get your great idea off my floor. 586 00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:07,080 Arliss (narrating): When riding the wave of success, 587 00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:09,945 it's important to know when to jump off. 588 00:24:10,015 --> 00:24:13,385 You want to get the maximum from your ride, and then bail 589 00:24:13,451 --> 00:24:15,051 before the tube collapses. 590 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,820 Crushing your spirit and your will to live. 591 00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:20,189 Because timing is everything. 592 00:24:23,428 --> 00:24:25,228 (sucking, burps) 593 00:24:25,297 --> 00:24:27,497 My name is Arliss Michaels. 594 00:24:27,565 --> 00:24:29,295 I represent athletes. 595 00:24:29,367 --> 00:24:31,237 These are my stories. 596 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:32,803 Cool? 597 00:24:32,871 --> 00:24:35,871 (surf music playing) 598 00:24:35,921 --> 00:24:40,471 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42839

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