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Arliss: For most of us,
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the dream of becoming a champion
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00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,822
remains a fantasy.
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00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:20,485
But for a special few,
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00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:22,963
it is very much a reality.
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00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:24,322
We cheer them.
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We live through them.
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Athletes are our last warriors.
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My job is to make
their dreams come true.
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My name is Arliss Michaels.
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I represent athletes.
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These are my stories.
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00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:43,179
♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪
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00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:46,783
♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪
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00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:50,146
♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
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00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,816
♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
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00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:57,857
♪ It happens to be true ♪
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00:00:57,924 --> 00:01:01,434
♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
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00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:04,834
♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪
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00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:08,538
♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪
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00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:11,841
♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
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00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,705
♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
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00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:19,275
♪ No matter what you do ♪
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00:01:19,345 --> 00:01:22,215
♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
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Arliss (narrating): Growing up, we
didn't refer to athletes as role models.
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00:01:25,685 --> 00:01:27,645
We simply called them heroes.
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00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,860
I always tell my
clients that each night,
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00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:30,973
a kid somewhere goes to bed
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00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:33,330
dreaming of growing
up to be them.
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Because in my opinion,
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athletes are role models.
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First Corinthians 9:24.
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"That whoever runs the race,
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"does so to obtain
a perishable crown.
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"But we,
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00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:46,905
(emphatic) "we...
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00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:48,883
for an imperishable crown."
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This holds a very,
very important lesson
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00:01:51,377 --> 00:01:52,977
for every young athlete.
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00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,850
He's quite a guy.
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It's very inspirational.
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That's why he's the
most sought-after
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00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,149
product spokesman in America.
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00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:03,190
The only person with
a higher TV "Q" rating
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00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:04,556
is Angela Lansbury.
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00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:05,804
And I don't think you want her
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00:02:05,825 --> 00:02:07,825
selling your client's steaks.
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There's still a few things
we need to nail down.
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00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:11,026
- Please.
- Look.
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00:02:11,097 --> 00:02:12,667
If you don't want
Dan Hendricks to be
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00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:14,682
the national spokesman of the
Cattleman Ranchers Association...
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00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,051
If you don't want
last year's MVP...
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00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,399
And Miller Lite
"Man of the Year."
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Which he didn't accept
because he doesn't drink.
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00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:20,772
Then we'll go back
to the poultry people.
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00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:21,840
(both clucking)
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Goddamn you, Arliss.
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00:02:23,876 --> 00:02:24,936
Neddy!
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00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,209
The kids.
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00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,620
Dan: Always remember...
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00:02:29,682 --> 00:02:31,882
once you open the door to sin,
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00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:34,921
its desire is never over.
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Grab a hand. Let's pray.
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Arliss (narrating): If all my
clients were like Dan Hendricks,
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00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,027
I'd sleep much better at night.
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00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,756
(sirens wailing)
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- Where is he?
- Oh, he... he's in the Sergeant's office.
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00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:52,868
Well, this is Mac.
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00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:54,909
We were rookies
together in Atlanta.
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00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:56,684
He's a former linebacker,
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00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:59,113
so, you know, talk slow.
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00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:01,808
We were patrolling the
alley behind Nipple Nudes.
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00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:03,601
Found Lucille over
there with her mouth full
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00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:06,190
of America's
favorite quarterback.
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00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:08,392
I'm guess she's
not with Mary Kay.
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00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:09,454
(Mac laughs)
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00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:10,799
I knew Hendricks
was one of yours.
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00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:12,533
My partner wanted to
book him, but I thought
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00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:15,092
maybe we should run
it by a superior first.
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00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:16,231
Thanks.
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00:03:16,295 --> 00:03:18,995
What the hell is he
doing at Nipple Nudes?
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00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,495
Kirby: You'll have to ask him!
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00:03:20,566 --> 00:03:22,696
You know, I hear they
got nude dancers there.
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00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,343
Shaved.
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00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,485
- You mind if I go see him?
- No, go ahead, go ahead.
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00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:29,775
Shaved.
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00:03:35,248 --> 00:03:36,718
Arliss.
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00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:37,883
(exhales sharply)
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I done a terrible thing.
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00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:43,024
(tutting) No, no, no!
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00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:44,019
You haven't done anything.
92
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,890
Nothing happened.
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00:03:45,958 --> 00:03:48,288
Okay, now, say nothing,
and do exactly as I tell you,
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00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:50,301
and everything's
gonna be all right, okay?
95
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:51,603
Okay. Just wait.
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00:03:58,204 --> 00:03:59,744
Uh, Mac?
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00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,266
You through with her?
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00:04:01,340 --> 00:04:04,110
Yeah. We're gonna let
her off with a stiff warning.
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00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:06,077
- (Mac chuckles)
- Kirby, come here.
100
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,880
Look, I want
Lucille out of town.
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00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:10,848
Take my credit
card, go to a spa,
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00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,227
get her massages,
order room service.
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00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:13,861
I don't care, but don't
let her out of your sight,
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00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:15,886
until I can make
this blow over, got it?
105
00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,985
You want me to babysit a hooker?
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00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:19,127
Oh, is this beneath you,
107
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:21,072
or are you worried about
sullying her reputation?
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00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,834
Now, go. She's going. Just go!
109
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:24,655
- Uh, lady?
- Uh, Mac?
110
00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:25,941
You got a back door outta here?
111
00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:28,025
- Something media-proof?
- Might be.
112
00:04:30,636 --> 00:04:33,206
How 'bout two tickets ringside
to the next De La Hoya fight?
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00:04:33,272 --> 00:04:35,272
- Get your client and let's go.
- Thank you.
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00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,680
Dan: Took a few of the
linemen out for prime rib.
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00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,490
It was still early, and
a couple of the guys
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00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:47,151
wanted to go hoist a few.
117
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,590
Did you have to
go to a strip club?
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00:04:49,655 --> 00:04:50,855
(sighs)
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00:04:50,923 --> 00:04:52,863
I knew I wasn't
in the right place!
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00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:54,529
I knew that!
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00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:58,162
I thought my flesh
wasn't weak, but...
122
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,201
Shaved, Arliss.
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00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:03,000
I never seen shaved before.
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00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:04,843
You know?
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00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:07,735
It put me in another state.
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00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,707
I wish we were in another state.
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00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:11,406
Like Nevada.
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00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:15,253
So, I went out to take a leak.
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00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:17,822
Bathroom door was locked.
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00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:21,446
I went out to the alley.
131
00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:24,162
Pull it out, and this...
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00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:29,802
this sultry vision just
kind of, like, materialized.
133
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:32,972
And I surmise something
else just kind of materialized.
134
00:05:33,032 --> 00:05:34,832
I gotta take a shower.
135
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,101
You just took a shower!
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00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,399
I still feel dirty, Arliss!
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00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:40,041
Dan, look. Come on, come on.
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00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:42,306
Come on, hey!
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00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:43,705
You took a sack.
140
00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:44,906
Okay?
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00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:46,447
So, what do you do?
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00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:47,452
You pick yourself up,
143
00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:48,883
and get ready for the next play,
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00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:51,718
which, incidentally,
happens at 10:00 AM.
145
00:05:51,784 --> 00:05:53,024
Where we finalize your contract
146
00:05:53,085 --> 00:05:54,785
with the Cattle
Ranchers Association.
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00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,924
So, come on.
Huddle up, huddle up!
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00:05:56,989 --> 00:05:58,489
Come on!
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00:05:58,558 --> 00:05:59,928
It's going to be your job
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00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:02,032
to get people to eat red meat!
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00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:03,658
(door opens)
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00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:05,900
Arliss: Rita!
153
00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:07,025
What is so important
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00:06:07,099 --> 00:06:08,509
that you get me up
at this ungodly hour?
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00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,914
Katie Couric doesn't
get up this early.
156
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:10,966
No, you look great.
157
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,437
Look, I need you
to call Bob Arum.
158
00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:14,805
Get me two tickets to the
De La Hoya fight, ringside,
159
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,024
in the hands of
Officer Mac Paulson,
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00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,842
Hollywood Division,
by noon tomorrow.
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00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:20,510
Ooh! Greasing cops with ducats!
162
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:22,080
This can't be good.
What happened?
163
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:24,048
Nothing happened!
164
00:06:24,116 --> 00:06:25,216
DUI?
165
00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:27,554
- Concealment of a weapon?
- Nothing happened.
166
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:29,860
Was it, uh, Albert? Dennis!
167
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:31,762
- Now, look, nothing...
- Arliss?
168
00:06:31,824 --> 00:06:33,184
Dan, just give me
one second, okay?
169
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,004
No!
170
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,065
Arliss, I have to
cleanse my soul.
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00:06:42,134 --> 00:06:45,174
Okay, the only way to do
that is to confess my sins.
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00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,408
Dan...
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00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:48,312
there is nothing to confess.
174
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:51,444
Because nothing happened.
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00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:55,553
Set up a press conference.
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00:06:59,318 --> 00:07:00,718
Dan, if you go public with this,
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00:07:00,786 --> 00:07:03,956
do you have any idea what the
repercussions are going to be?
178
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:05,493
You will lose the milk contract.
179
00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:07,858
- You will lose the Carl's Jr. contract.
- (phone rings)
180
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,367
- You will lose the Wheaties contract.
- (Rita speaks indistinctly)
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00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:12,266
You will lose the Nike contract.
182
00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:14,799
Well, maybe not
the Nike contract.
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00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:17,867
Arliss, the only contract
I care about violating
184
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,967
is my covenant with God.
185
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,714
(cell phone rings)
186
00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:27,047
- That's your cousin!
- My cousin?
187
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,583
Your cousin, Al!
188
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,578
- Al?!
- I tried to cover.
189
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:32,890
I told him all the office
phones were down.
190
00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:36,763
Al! How's my
favorite older cousin?
191
00:07:36,822 --> 00:07:39,432
You in a little early
this morning, huh, cuz?
192
00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:40,692
Well, it's Monday morning.
193
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,900
Gotta get an early
jump on the week.
194
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:43,962
What's new with you?
195
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,030
Uh, I've been better.
196
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,197
So, Dan, what didn't happen?
197
00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:49,236
I miss ya, I miss ya. We
gotta get together soon.
198
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,782
Hey Arliss, let me
ask you a question.
199
00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:52,906
Is, uh, is Dan Hendricks
out on the coast?
200
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:55,312
- Rita: Just tell me what happened?
- Why?
201
00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:56,954
He's playing in next
Monday night's game,
202
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,576
and I got a call from a source
203
00:07:58,644 --> 00:07:59,784
who saw your client
204
00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:01,375
leaving a Hollywood
police station
205
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,047
at 4:00 this morning.
206
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,291
That is ludicrous!
207
00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:07,492
That is absolutely...
208
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,323
If there's anything
I can do to help,
209
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:10,428
just call me. Call me, Dan.
210
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:11,886
There's not an
ounce of truth to it!
211
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,728
I happen to know for a fact
212
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,833
that he was out last night
with a couple of friends.
213
00:08:15,861 --> 00:08:17,801
Look, Al, I... I got a
terrible connection!
214
00:08:17,863 --> 00:08:19,873
You're breaking up.
Best to Linda. Bye!
215
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,130
(sighs)
216
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:24,242
(exhales deeply)
217
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,473
Dan: Arliss... I
have to go public.
218
00:08:26,539 --> 00:08:28,839
I don't want my wife hearing
about this on the news,
219
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,738
or reading about it in
some supermarket tabloid.
220
00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:33,911
She's gonna be on the
ground in half an hour.
221
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,610
Okay, okay, okay.
222
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:38,221
If you feel this
urge to confess...
223
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,645
then do it.
224
00:08:41,487 --> 00:08:42,987
But just your wife, okay?
225
00:08:43,055 --> 00:08:44,555
Think of it as a scrimmage.
226
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:45,564
We'll do that first,
227
00:08:45,624 --> 00:08:47,034
and then we'll make adjustments.
228
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,393
Okay, fine.
229
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,161
I'll have Rita pick
her up at the airport.
230
00:08:51,797 --> 00:08:53,827
- Rita!
- Uh, yes?
231
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:56,597
(indistinct chatter)
232
00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:10,731
Lucille: Must have been
some big mucky-muck
233
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:13,420
for you to want to rush
me out of town like this.
234
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,716
Kirby: Can't say.
235
00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:16,917
It was dark. I was high.
236
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:19,359
Is it some actor? Politician?
237
00:09:23,929 --> 00:09:25,159
How's the bed?
238
00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:29,666
I was just wondering if you
thought it was a good mattress.
239
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,944
You know, I thought
you might be...
240
00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:34,865
pretty good at
knowing these things.
241
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:36,941
Not really.
242
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:38,939
My clients aren't the
Charlie Sheens of the world.
243
00:09:39,011 --> 00:09:42,181
Well, you know, you
should aim a little higher.
244
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,248
Shoot for a little
better clientèle.
245
00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:46,016
Water seeks its
own level, I guess.
246
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,985
No, really. You're
not bad looking.
247
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,191
Aren't you sweet.
248
00:09:56,829 --> 00:09:57,959
Tibby! How are you?
249
00:09:58,030 --> 00:10:00,000
God! I can't believe
it. Look. Miss America.
250
00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:01,766
Five-hour flight,
fresh as a flower.
251
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,104
(laughing) Hello, Arliss!
252
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,569
How are you?
253
00:10:05,704 --> 00:10:06,714
Dan.
254
00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:10,008
Here's a shirt for him.
255
00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:11,106
Tell me what happened.
256
00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:13,010
Okay, come here.
257
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:14,079
Nothing happened!
258
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,413
Kenny went two for four.
259
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,981
- Aw!
- Our oldest made All-Stars.
260
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:19,390
(chuckling)
261
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,492
Wait, wait. Hold that pose!
262
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,993
Rita, take a note.
Call Kingworld.
263
00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:25,015
I want these two having
a morning talk show.
264
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,991
(Arliss chuckles)
265
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:29,129
Tibby: Honey, you're all wet.
266
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:31,025
How come you're showering here?
267
00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:34,168
Because I'm dirty, honey.
268
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:37,902
I don't understand.
269
00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:43,143
Uh, Rita? Close the door.
270
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,282
With you on the other side.
271
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,889
What's going on?
272
00:10:55,621 --> 00:10:57,421
What's wrong?
273
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,030
Oh, don't look at
me. This is your idea.
274
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,204
(phone rings)
275
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:06,634
(continues ringing)
276
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,336
(sighs)
277
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,268
Arliss Michaels Management.
278
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,670
Yeah, hi. Is Arliss there?
279
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,411
- It's his cousin Al calling.
- Oh, hi, Al!
280
00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:20,646
No, he's in a meeting. Is there
anything I can help you with?
281
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:21,913
Uh, yeah, Rita, uh, listen.
282
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:23,581
I've got a little bit
more on Hendricks.
283
00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:25,279
I heard he was
taking in a little
284
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,491
brass pole humping last night
285
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,663
at a place called Nipple Nudes.
286
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:32,192
Nipple Nudes? Is that so?
287
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,728
You know, I find that
quite hard to believe,
288
00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:37,033
because I saw Dan
and his wife this morning,
289
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,196
and... (sighs)
290
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:40,434
everything seemed to
be peachy between them.
291
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:43,339
You paid money...
292
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:45,402
to commit a sex act?
293
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,637
Remorse...
294
00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,808
is not a strong enough word
295
00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:55,377
to express what I'm
feeling right now, Tibby.
296
00:11:55,447 --> 00:11:57,877
You know, the power of an
apology is a beautiful thing.
297
00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:00,550
This is so moving. I, for one,
have learned a very valuable...
298
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:02,959
Shut. Up. Arliss.
299
00:12:03,022 --> 00:12:05,122
Dan, get your hand off me.
300
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,386
Wait, where you going?
301
00:12:09,461 --> 00:12:10,461
I need to pray.
302
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:12,459
Well, I'll go pray with ya!
303
00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:14,971
You so much as darken the
doorway of the Lord's house,
304
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:17,274
and I will scream from
the top of my lungs
305
00:12:17,336 --> 00:12:19,066
that you lay down with whores.
306
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:21,668
Still want to call a
press conference?
307
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:25,412
-Coffee, anyone? Pellegrino?
-(disgusted sigh)
308
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:28,152
I know what happened.
I know, I know!
309
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:30,324
Don't let her talk to
anyone! Understand?
310
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:31,452
Anyone!
311
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:36,286
Hey, Dan! Look!
312
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,415
It's the meat guys!
313
00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:40,030
(chuckles)
314
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,273
Hey, Kirby!
315
00:12:54,006 --> 00:12:55,836
Warren Moon. Hey! How you doin'?
316
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:58,138
I'm great. You
catching some rays?
317
00:12:58,210 --> 00:12:59,450
Catching some rays.
318
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:02,106
Checking out the talent.
319
00:13:02,181 --> 00:13:03,981
Man, there's a
piece of tail over here
320
00:13:04,049 --> 00:13:05,519
I've been checking
out all morning.
321
00:13:08,153 --> 00:13:09,493
Hey, that's my wife.
322
00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:11,719
We're here for our anniversary.
323
00:13:13,525 --> 00:13:14,625
Happy Anniversary!
324
00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:16,963
Well, thanks. Who you here with?
325
00:13:17,029 --> 00:13:18,029
Nobody.
326
00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:20,034
Taking in the solitude.
327
00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:21,899
Clears out the ol' gray matter.
328
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,497
Lucille: Hey, Kirby!
329
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:25,769
You want anything
to eat? I'm ordering.
330
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:27,068
Nothing.
331
00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:33,414
She's with the spa.
332
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:35,753
Marengo Indian.
333
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,119
Solitude expert!
334
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,051
Press 0-6.
335
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,089
Whatever. I'll see you around.
336
00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:45,922
Two years. $1.5 million.
337
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:48,891
That's print ads and a
national TV commercial.
338
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,401
I was thinking of
a picture of Dan
339
00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:53,002
with a giant hunk of
chewed meat in his mouth.
340
00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:53,965
Big ol' cut!
341
00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:55,303
Make people forget that
342
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:57,267
pussy milk campaign thing you do
343
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,896
for the fairy-dairy boys.
344
00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:01,641
Stanley: I thought we
agreed on a $1,000 donation
345
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:03,107
to United Christian Athletes
346
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:06,275
for every touchdown
pass he throws.
347
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:07,975
That's still subject
to discussion.
348
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,317
There seems to
be a zero missing.
349
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,878
I think $100 per
touchdown's very fair
350
00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:13,890
considering all the
money we're paying him.
351
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:16,062
(Dan groans)
352
00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:19,121
Clay! Clay. Come
here, come here.
353
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,031
Let me explain to you
this charity business.
354
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:23,273
This is something that's not
going into my client's pocket.
355
00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:26,165
This is a charity he
really feels strongly about.
356
00:14:26,231 --> 00:14:27,871
And come on, let's face facts.
357
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,243
If he has a good year, he
throws 25 touchdown passes.
358
00:14:30,302 --> 00:14:31,342
That's $25,000.
359
00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:33,163
You guys make that
much in Sizzler in a week.
360
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:34,972
Well, if it's no big deal,
361
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,480
why don't you match our $1,000?
362
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,183
- Me?
- Well, you do it, and we'll do it.
363
00:14:41,613 --> 00:14:43,853
Yeah, okay, sure! Yeah! Okay!
364
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:44,846
Okay, you know,
but I'm thinking,
365
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:46,517
maybe $1,000 is
a little excessive.
366
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:48,785
- I like $500 better.
- See, I was thinking $250.
367
00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:51,094
It might encourage
others to help match us.
368
00:14:51,156 --> 00:14:52,316
$200 still, you know.
369
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,591
Kirby: Uh, the food's here!
370
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:57,060
- You, uh, decent?
- That depends.
371
00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,599
Be a prince and pour
me some champagne.
372
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,198
These jets can
get a girl aroused.
373
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,011
(bottle pops)
374
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,283
Thanks. Care to join me?
375
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:13,454
Oh, no.
376
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:16,012
Champagne gives me a headache.
377
00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:18,181
I wasn't talking about a drink.
378
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:28,958
(whispering) Give us
this day, our daily bread.
379
00:15:29,027 --> 00:15:30,727
(normal voice) I can't
believe he did this.
380
00:15:34,666 --> 00:15:36,466
You know, compared
to the rest of our clients,
381
00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:38,765
your husband is a saint.
382
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:41,567
Saints do not commit adultery.
383
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:45,908
Wasn't it said,
"To err is human,
384
00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:48,278
to forgive, divine."
385
00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:50,577
I can forgive.
386
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:52,179
I don't know if I can forget.
387
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:57,689
From now on, there will
always be an element of doubt.
388
00:15:57,756 --> 00:15:59,856
For me with men,
there's never a doubt.
389
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,459
Rita?
390
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,758
Is it true that a
man's entire body
391
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:07,470
is often just an
appendage to his penis?
392
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,104
Tibby: I mean...
393
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,489
- (glass shatters) - is that
the only thing they think with?
394
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:17,212
Love isn't something
you just plunge into.
395
00:16:18,577 --> 00:16:21,007
It's not something you
just reach out blindly.
396
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,020
It's a climactic moment.
397
00:16:24,082 --> 00:16:26,622
Something to hold on to.
398
00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:27,585
(phone ringing)
399
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:28,923
$75 dollars is a fine...
400
00:16:28,987 --> 00:16:30,687
$50! $50 would be
even better, you know.
401
00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:31,856
(phone beeps off)
402
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,234
(groans)
403
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:36,832
Um, except for how
much is donated?
404
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:38,525
For each touchdown pass,
405
00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:40,197
at a number to be named later,
406
00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:41,695
we have an agreement?
407
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:46,504
(chuckling)
408
00:16:46,538 --> 00:16:48,838
(laughter continues)
409
00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:51,177
And we'll add the
customary morals clause.
410
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:53,210
I beg your pardon?
411
00:16:53,278 --> 00:16:54,678
The morals clause.
412
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:57,384
(sputtering)
413
00:16:57,449 --> 00:16:59,019
What are you talking about?!
414
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,154
Morals clause!
415
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,520
This is Dan Hendricks
we're talking about here.
416
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:04,819
It's standard. You know that.
417
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:08,030
Dan Hendricks lives
by a higher standard.
418
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,263
Have you no shame?
419
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:11,598
Asking Dan Hendricks
for a morals clause
420
00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:13,733
(stammering) it's immoral!
421
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,329
Arliss. Over-reacting.
422
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,970
No! I can't sign it!
423
00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:18,635
What?!
424
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,014
This is wrong, Arliss.
425
00:17:22,674 --> 00:17:23,744
It's wrong.
426
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,850
Of course it's wrong! You see?
427
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:30,845
Okay.
428
00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:32,516
- You see?!
- Okay!
429
00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:35,294
Okay, forget the damn clause.
430
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:38,194
You see? You see?
431
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:41,157
You were magnificent!
432
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,056
Oh, great job! That
closed the deal.
433
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:45,058
Two thumbs up!
434
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,830
Arliss, there is no deal.
435
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:50,671
I have got to repent.
436
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,036
And there is nothing you can say
437
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:53,814
that will make me
change my mind.
438
00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:55,212
Arliss!
439
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:56,284
Nothing.
440
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,580
(phone rings)
441
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:00,705
(sighs deeply)
442
00:18:08,453 --> 00:18:09,393
What?
443
00:18:09,454 --> 00:18:10,964
Arliss! Fuck!
444
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,163
Kirby, what's wrong?
445
00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:13,634
She's a she-man!
446
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:15,832
You interrupted a
meeting to tell me this?
447
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:17,434
She's a she-man!
448
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:19,404
Wait.
449
00:18:19,464 --> 00:18:21,774
You mean, she-hyphen-man?
450
00:18:21,833 --> 00:18:23,203
Not she-comma-man?
451
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,738
No, she-hyphen-man.
452
00:18:24,803 --> 00:18:26,203
She's a bone smuggler!
453
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:28,539
Are you sure?
454
00:18:29,808 --> 00:18:31,508
(whispers) I felt it.
455
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:32,977
Well, if you paid
for the privilege,
456
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,845
I better not see this on
your expense account.
457
00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:36,983
We... we were in the jacuzzi.
458
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:38,779
I tripped and fell!
459
00:18:38,850 --> 00:18:40,750
You know, tried to
grab on to something.
460
00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:42,719
Kirby (cont'd): Arliss, I
need to take a shower.
461
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,788
Boss, you gotta
get me outta here.
462
00:18:44,856 --> 00:18:46,086
Boss, do you hear me?!
463
00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,628
Yeah, yeah, I know.
464
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:48,873
Everything's
gonna be fine, Kirby.
465
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:49,904
Everything will be fine.
466
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:50,962
You can go, you can go.
467
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:52,029
Thanks!
468
00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:57,902
- Dan...
- Arliss!
469
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,670
I have got to lift this weight
470
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,108
off my shoulders.
471
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,409
Well get ready to have
somebody spot you,
472
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:07,054
because your hooker has a dick.
473
00:19:13,952 --> 00:19:14,952
What?
474
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,887
It seems the woman
475
00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:18,955
you were with wasn't a woman.
476
00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:21,094
It was a man, or half a man.
477
00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:23,357
It was a homo?
478
00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:24,858
Technically, a transvestite.
479
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:26,670
Although, I don't
think the Moral Majority
480
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:28,132
makes such distinctions to them.
481
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,670
Either way, your lifestyle
is officially deviant.
482
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:35,169
We better prepare a statement.
483
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:37,008
Wait, wait, wait.
484
00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:38,735
Wait, Arliss, um...
485
00:19:39,911 --> 00:19:40,911
You know, my teammates...
486
00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:42,219
If my teammates
find out about this,
487
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:43,287
you know the crap I'll get?
488
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:44,545
You know, the jokes
489
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:45,986
every time I put my
hands under center?
490
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,488
A few of them are coming to mind
491
00:19:47,552 --> 00:19:48,652
right now as we speak.
492
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,860
No one will want to
take a shower with me!
493
00:19:50,922 --> 00:19:52,622
- I'll be a piranha.
- A pariah.
494
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,204
But you can't forget
about your soul.
495
00:19:57,262 --> 00:20:01,002
You know, Arliss, the
Bible's full of prostitutes, right?
496
00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:03,766
I mean, even Jesus had his
feet washed by Mary Magdalene.
497
00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:06,035
But the Bible doesn't
say anything about...
498
00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:07,104
About she-men.
499
00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:09,536
You know? No...
500
00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:10,838
We gotta keep this quiet.
501
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,284
Yeah.
502
00:20:16,648 --> 00:20:17,878
(glasses clink)
503
00:20:21,319 --> 00:20:22,549
Clay: All right.
504
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,021
Arliss: Was it worth the wait?
505
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:24,959
Oh, yeah. Listen,
506
00:20:25,023 --> 00:20:26,393
I'm gonna buy everybody a hat.
507
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:27,928
(laughter)
508
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,501
Ned: Well, sir, we did it.
509
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,502
Thank you. Thank you.
510
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,874
Clay: Thank you.
511
00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:36,232
Dan: Oh, honey, I
was getting worried.
512
00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:40,207
I need to talk to you.
513
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,072
Alone.
514
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:44,638
Sure. Come on in.
515
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,320
Here you go, Tib.
516
00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:51,952
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
517
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,316
Tibby.
518
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:56,887
Little Tibby.
519
00:20:56,955 --> 00:20:58,285
How you doin'? Okay?
520
00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:02,188
How familiar are
you with Genesis?
521
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,428
Which album?
522
00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:06,466
The Book of Genesis, Arliss.
523
00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:08,671
Chapter Nine,
Verse 21, to be exact.
524
00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:10,938
Yeah. Yeah, I know that.
525
00:21:11,002 --> 00:21:13,072
I think that's one
with the Jews, right?
526
00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:14,938
After Noah's ark hit land,
527
00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:18,076
he got drunk on fermented
grapes and passed out.
528
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:19,913
His grandson found him naked
529
00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:21,908
and brought in his
brothers to witness.
530
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,920
I walked in on my
father one time,
531
00:21:23,982 --> 00:21:24,982
but, um...
532
00:21:25,050 --> 00:21:26,690
we... we probably
shouldn't go there.
533
00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:27,952
When he found out,
534
00:21:28,019 --> 00:21:29,489
Noah cursed his grandson.
535
00:21:29,554 --> 00:21:31,464
He didn't want to
have looked foolish.
536
00:21:31,523 --> 00:21:32,963
The moral being,
537
00:21:33,024 --> 00:21:36,664
"Never bring another
person's sins to light."
538
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:41,534
Bless you, Tibby.
539
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,140
Unless it serves a purpose.
540
00:21:47,205 --> 00:21:48,435
Meaning?
541
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:50,811
Meaning...
542
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:52,706
I am going to stay with Dan,
543
00:21:52,778 --> 00:21:55,248
and shed no light
on my husband's sin.
544
00:21:58,316 --> 00:22:00,016
Bless you, Tibby.
545
00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:01,145
For now.
546
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:06,190
Now...
547
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:09,933
Dan says this is the first time
548
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:11,325
that he has ever strayed.
549
00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:13,166
I don't know that.
550
00:22:13,231 --> 00:22:15,501
And neither do you.
551
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:18,337
But his contract is up
at the end of this season,
552
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,173
and, um, I imagine
553
00:22:20,238 --> 00:22:22,468
some team will give
him a lot of money
554
00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:24,081
for his services.
555
00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:26,242
Troy Aikman got $50 million.
556
00:22:26,311 --> 00:22:28,811
I can get Dan 60.
557
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,750
At which time, I will
re-evaluate Dan's behavior.
558
00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:34,518
Either way,
559
00:22:34,586 --> 00:22:37,456
50% of a $60 million deal,
560
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,692
would be highly
beneficial for my family.
561
00:22:41,927 --> 00:22:44,057
Listen, do you want a job here?
562
00:22:44,129 --> 00:22:45,529
Oh, and there's another thing.
563
00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:47,497
There always is.
564
00:22:47,566 --> 00:22:49,626
Whatever the
ranchers are funding
565
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:52,041
for every touchdown Dan throws,
566
00:22:52,103 --> 00:22:53,973
I would like the same
amount of money
567
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,079
placed in a trust
fund for our children.
568
00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:01,153
Yes, charity should
begin at home.
569
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,150
(sighs)
570
00:23:04,049 --> 00:23:05,579
Bless you, Arliss.
571
00:23:10,755 --> 00:23:11,815
I love red meat.
572
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:13,890
My family loves red meat.
573
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:16,289
And I love cooking red meat.
574
00:23:16,928 --> 00:23:17,958
(applause)
575
00:23:18,697 --> 00:23:19,997
Arliss.
576
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:21,765
Alan, how are
you? Is Linda here?
577
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:24,103
Listen, I'm preparing
for next week's game.
578
00:23:24,169 --> 00:23:26,039
I have to know the truth.
579
00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:27,344
Alan, you're chasing a ghost.
580
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:28,865
Nothing happened.
581
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:29,840
Arliss, listen. I...
582
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:31,378
I have to know
exactly what happened,
583
00:23:31,443 --> 00:23:33,023
or I'm going to report
the story I've heard.
584
00:23:33,044 --> 00:23:33,954
It's as simple as that.
585
00:23:34,012 --> 00:23:35,312
Kirby: What's the problem, Al?
586
00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:36,620
We were with him!
587
00:23:36,681 --> 00:23:38,051
You were with Dan Hendricks?
588
00:23:38,116 --> 00:23:40,116
We were.
589
00:23:40,185 --> 00:23:41,785
Kirby: You know,
we told a few jokes.
590
00:23:41,853 --> 00:23:43,593
We had a few laughs.
591
00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:45,555
Got something to eat.
592
00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:46,964
You'll swear to that?
593
00:23:47,025 --> 00:23:49,085
I'll swear on a stack of Bibles.
594
00:23:52,130 --> 00:23:53,230
What'd I tell ya?
595
00:23:54,432 --> 00:23:55,472
All right.
596
00:23:55,533 --> 00:23:56,603
What can I say?
597
00:23:56,668 --> 00:23:57,598
Good to see you, Al.
598
00:23:57,669 --> 00:23:59,099
Give me love to Steve and Jenny!
599
00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:02,942
"Something to eat"?
600
00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:04,878
And I am pleased to announce
601
00:24:04,943 --> 00:24:06,883
that for every
touchdown Danny throws,
602
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:09,505
the Cattle Ranchers will donate
603
00:24:09,581 --> 00:24:11,581
$5,000 to charity.
604
00:24:11,650 --> 00:24:13,120
(applause)
605
00:24:16,721 --> 00:24:17,791
And as agent,
606
00:24:17,856 --> 00:24:20,826
Arliss Michaels has
agreed to match it.
607
00:24:20,892 --> 00:24:22,292
(applause)
608
00:24:23,561 --> 00:24:25,031
Happy now?
609
00:24:25,096 --> 00:24:27,766
Arliss (narrating): Sometimes
I harken back to a simpler era,
610
00:24:27,832 --> 00:24:29,902
when tiny off-the-field
transgressions
611
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:31,768
were kept out of the newspapers.
612
00:24:31,836 --> 00:24:33,866
So that young people
could go to bed at night,
613
00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:36,109
and still have their heroes.
614
00:24:39,044 --> 00:24:41,154
Maybe I have a
higher code of ethics.
615
00:24:41,212 --> 00:24:43,552
That's just the way I am.
616
00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:51,357
My name is Arliss Michaels.
617
00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:53,463
I represent athletes.
618
00:24:53,525 --> 00:24:55,885
These are my stories.
619
00:24:55,961 --> 00:24:57,331
♪♪
620
00:24:57,381 --> 00:25:01,931
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