All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s05e03 Marathon Mac.eng

(theme music playing)

Hey, Nessa,

what's your sculpture supplies

doing in the trash?

I was done with them.

What you mean, you done?

I signed you up
for ten classes.

What you talking about,
you're done?

It was just too messy.

I mean, the clay
kept getting hard

under my fingernails.

BERNIE: Nessa, of course

it's going to be messy,

it's clay.

You got another word
for clay? Dirt.

JORDAN: If she doesn't
want them, I'll take them.

There. Jordan's using the clay

and everyone's happy.

No, everyone's not happy.

I'm still out of the money

for the ten classes
I paid for,

that you begged me to take.

Baby Girl, what's wrong
with your omelet?

I don't want anymore.

That's it. From here on in,

don't you all ask me
for anything.

I'm done. That's it.

You all a bunch of quitters.

Quitters!

It's like a epidemic, America.

Just look in my closets.

They're filled with things
them kids had to have.

Needed. Couldn't live without.

Nessa ice skates.

Baby Girl's
Change-My-Diaper Doll.

Jordan, banjo.

Ballet class. Piano lessons.

These kids don't stick
to nothing,

and look at this, America.

Surfboard.

What...

black boy you know surf?

Huh?

Bulldog.

I missed you, man.

How was your vacation?

Actually, uh,
Big Pop, I lied.

I wasn't really
on vacation.

I, uh, I went
someplace spiritual

to do some
soul-searching.

Oh, some pilgrimage, huh?

Where'd you go?
South Jersey.

I stayed
with my college girlfriend.

You know,
she was real hippy-dippy.

You know,
she smoked a lot of pot

and she smelled
like patchouli.

You telling me
you went to Jersey,

all the way to Jersey
for a booty call?

Actually, no.
She was my crisis counselor

'cause I needed her help.

Crisis?

Jer, what the hell is going on?

So they, you know,
they just--they thought

they found a polyp in my, um...

Oh, no.

In my colon.

So, you know, I thought,

I just thought I had
the Big "C."

Yo, but B-B-B,
this is the thing.

The thing is
is that I was like,

"Hello?" Epiphany.

You know? It was like
God was sending me a message.

You know, he was saying,
"Yo. JB, dawg,

it's time to get down.

It's time to get-get,
get on down

and flip the script on life."

I can dig it.

I'm paraphrasing.
But I'm--

I guess what
I'm trying to say, B,

is that there's got
to be more to life

than squeezing 50 grand
out of the studio. You know?

That's...
I want to start giving back

to society, to humanity.

Maybe you need
to get more involved

in that environmental stuff.

Get yourself an electric car.

Oh, hell, no.
Hell, no.

I still have three years
on my Hummer,

so that's completely
out of the question,

but, you know, I figure,

you know, I'll know it
when I find it.

Well, when you do,
you let me know.

I'll be right
there for you.

Yes, ma'am, I know I paid

for ten classes in full,

but I have a young niece
who have a case of the quits.

WOMAN (over phone):
I understand. So is there any way

I can get a refund?

Or at least transfer the money

to a different class,

more of an adult class?

Like wine-tasting?

Cigar appreciation?

And what is a lanyard?

WOMAN: The (indistinct)

Oh, I see.

You want to make a keychain?

Mm-mm.

Of course you don't. Quitter.

Well, thank you for your time.

WOMAN (over phone): Good day!
Bye-bye.

Well, as you can see, I tried,

and, uh, it got to come out
of your allowance.

My allowance?
That's right.

You didn't say anything
about that,

and you can't just make up rules
as you go along.

Sure I can, Nessa,

and you know
when I changed it?

As we went along.

Mmm.
WANDA: We need to talk about your nephew.

Oh, my nephew?
What I got to punish him for?

I just got off the phone
with Drew's mother.

Uh-huh.
Did you give Jordan clay?

Doggone Nessa.

What happened?

Well, apparently
he's making body parts.

Male body parts.

Little sissy.

I knew it was just
a matter of time.

I knew it was. I told you.

You're the one
that gave him the clay.

Yeah, your Aunt Wanda told me

what you been doing.

If I see anything
made of clay

that I don't like,

I'm gonna mold your head,
you get me?

So I can't make
any more rockets?

I better not see it.
I'm gonna knock

the plaque off your teeth.

BULLDOG: No way, Oliver.
Come on, please.

$5,000 is an insult.

(chuckles) Okay.

Yeah, $20,000's great.

Ollie, 20--thank you.

$20,000's great.
Thank you.

Okay. Bye.

Yes. I just raised 20 Gs
for Seeds of Peace.

Well, what's that,
a charity?

Yeah. They're working
to bring peace

to the Middle East.

All right, so,
it's a 10k run.

All the proceeds
go to the Seeds,

a little seed money,
if you will.

All right? (chuckles)
Uh-hmm.

And, uh, I got a bunch
of names lined up.

I got Ben Bratt,
Charlize Theron,

and I was hoping
that you were serious

when you said
you had my back.

Well, dawg, you're doggone right
I got your back.

I'll write a check
out right now.

No, no, no, no, I don't--
I don't need your money.

I need your face,

and your money.

You need my face?
Yeah.

I don't understand.
Check this out, yo.

I want you to be
the face of the race.

I want you
to lead the charge.

You mean running?

Yeah.
Uh-uh.

No, no, no, no, no,

I ain't doing no running.

I hate running.
No, no. No, sir. No.

No, no, no.
Look, Bernie,

it's all set. It's all set.

I got all the permits
and all the TV coverage.

I mean, come on, Big Papa,

it's just a couple of hours

next Saturday afternoon.

Oh. Next Saturday?
Yeah.

Oh, that count me
out right there.

I'm playing golf
with George Clooney.

I'm teeing off.

I can't possibly do it.

If it was any other day,

I'd be glad to help you out.

Nope. Next Saturday,
can't do it, baby.

Nope.
Wow.

Okay. You know,
'cause that kinda puts me

in a little bit
of a spot, you know,

because I had--
I had some TV spots

and some press
for you, lined up.

Well, wait, wait,
I didn't tell you to do--

I didn't tell you
to go and do that.

Well, I'm sorry.
Maybe when you said,

"Whatever you need, Bulldog,
I got your back."

Maybe I guess
I misunderstood that.

My bad.

You're lucky he can't take it
out of your allowance.

BERNIE: You know what, Bulldog?

You're right.

You're right,
I did commit myself to you.

You're doggone right.
You know why?

'Cause I'm a Mac,

and Macs...

we're not no quitters.

That's right, America.

Trying to lead by example.

We're gonna run 10k,

unite those Jews and Arabs,

and we're going
to teach those kids

the meaning of the word
"commitment."

All in a day's work
for Bernie Mac.

(crowd cheering)

Welcome back
to The Sports Den.

I'm Adam Carolla.

That's Sir Charles
of Barkley

and Bern.

Uh-hmm.

Tell me how you got involved

with the Seeds of Peace program.

I mean, you don't
exactly strike me

as a statesman.

You know,
you're absolutely right,

you know?

I'm not a political man.
Uh-hmm.

But if a little sweat

can bring a little peace
to the Middle East,

I'll run like a king, then.

Wow. You're a good man.

Thank you. Thank you.

CHARLES: I'm sorry.
Hold up a second.

What?
Hey, listen,

you are a funny dude,

but you know what's hilarious?

You thinking you can run a 10k.

Just because you worn out,

beat up,

crippled...

disabled...

don't mean I am.

I still got a lot
of life in me, Chuck.

Yeah.
Okay?

I'm just putting my body

where my mouth is.

Yeah, and,
by the way,

you going to let him
get away

with calling you
"Chuck," Chuck?

Come on, now.

That watch cost
more than 10k,

I'll tell you that
right now. That's nice.

Listen, he's just
talking smack.

I'll pledge you
a thousand bucks a kilometer

if you beat my best time,

54! 54 minutes, buddy!

A thousand dollars?

What's your cheap ass?

$2,000!

(chuckles)

I told you.
You got him up.

My work is done here,
Adam.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.
Oh, sweet Lord.

What you doing
back there, working out?

VANESSA: Yeah,
I just ran the fire trail.

I've been training
for Uncle Bernie's 10k,

and I was hoping
you guys would sponsor me.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Hold on, now.

Who said you can run?

What? You're not going to let me

support peace
in the Middle East?

I mean, those desert folks
got enough on their mind

to worry about you
disappointing them

and quitting on them.

Oh, come on, Bernie.

It's for a good cause.
You know what?

I'll be glad to sponsor her.

Yeah, you know what?
I got five on it.

(laughter)

BERNIE: Wait, wait,
you might as well

save your money,

because all she's doing
is running her mouth.

Talking out of the side
of her neck.

VANESSA: You know what? Fine.

I was trying to do a good thing,

but forget it.

See, quitter?

I was going
to let you run,

but you quit too fast.

Quitter.

No, no.
You all don't understand.

She'll start off fine,

but she won't finish nothing.

You all might as well
save your money

and sponsor me.

(laughter)

That's good. That's a good one.

What? What?

Look, I'd give you
the bone marrow

if you needed it, man,

but I'm going to keep it
real with you, dawg.

I mean, the chance
of you finishing that race,

Hell.
You running this race,

you might just need
my bone marrow.

(laughter)

Yeah, have another cigar.

Oh, it's on, America.

It's on.

After this.

(alarm beeping)

Who set the alarm clock
this doggone early?

WANDA: Honey, you did. You said
you were gonna get a workout.

Doggone it.

Five more minutes.

(upbeat music playing)

BERNIE: (panting)

Damn, America.

I must be

more outta shape
than I--than I thought.

(panting)

I should be dead.

Well, that's okay, America...

it's been a while.

I just need to ease
into it, you know.

I'll find my stride in no time.

You know?

(alarm beeping)

(upbeat music playing)

I did it. I did it!

Yeah, baby!

I did it!

Did it!

Whoo!

Yeah.

I feel sore, America,

but it's a good pain.

Muscles-coming-alive pain.

It took a few days,
but Bernie Mac

is getting his stride back,
America.

Yes, sir.

Now, maybe a nice soak

and a rubdown by my baby.

Hey, its a rubdown, America.

I'm in training.

You know...

(clock beeping)

(breathing heavily)

Bernie?
Ah!

Bernie, wake up.
Yeah!

Honey, did you hear
the alarm?

Ah, baby, my muscles

are too sore to turn it off.

I can't turn it off.

(screams)

Wanda, Wanda!

Baby, my muscles
must have seized up

on me overnight.

I tell you, I'm locked up
tighter than a nun.

WANDA: Honey,
you're not physically capable

of running this race.

Of course I am.

I just need to loosen up
and let the blood flow.

All right.
Okay.

Let me just...
(screams)

Don't do that!
Don't do that right now!

(whimpering)

Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry,

but you're going
to have to quit.

Okay.

And he comes in here
all blustery,

"I'm Bernie Mac.

I'm the black Flash.

I'm the fastest man
on the planet."

How do you pull every muscle
in your body?

I can't believe
he's not running.

Bernie Mac,
the face of disgrace. Mm-mm-mm.

You know what
I'm going to do? Hmm?

I'm going to send
him a pound cake.

Yeah, how about
you just pound his face?

You know the thing
that bugs me off the most?

(upbeat music playing)

I have a note from my doctor.
Ouch!

Doctor Coharg
gave me this note.

"No running," he said.

"No running."

Look at it.

"Under no circumstances,

no running."

I don't care if them gangbangers
are chasing me,

he said no running.

I'm sick.

Hey, Wanda!

What's taking you so long?

You forgot about me?

I'm starving.

Here you go,
Uncle Bernie.

The food's on its way.

What's this?

Cranberry juice.

It's an anti-inflammatory.

You know, it helps soothe
arthritic joints?

Oh, you just getting a kick

out of this, ain't you?

WANDA: I hope the patient
is hungry.

Mm-hmm, I sure is.

Honey, Vanessa helped me
make the fried chicken.

She did?
WANDA: Mm-hmm.

I know athletes aren't supposed

to eat fried foods,

but since you're laid up.

Hey, would you like me
to fluff your pillow?

Oh, no, no! Stop, stop!

Baby, would you get
her out of here?!

Get her out of here!
Honey, calm down.

Uh, come on.

Let's leave your uncle alone,
honey.

He's a little cranky.

Try to rest, honey.

Okay. Thank you.

Psst!

Quitter!

You hear that, Wanda?!

Wanda, you know what she said?!

You believe that girl, America?

Calling me a quitter.

How can a cripple be a quitter?

I got more follow-through
than John McEnroe

and Tiger Woods combined.

I just can't move it right now,

that's all.

Ain't never quit nothing
in my life.

CAROLLA: All right, people,

are we ready to run
our ass off for peace?

(all cheer)

On your marks, get set.

(gunshot)

(upbeat music playing)

Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam,
thank you so much, man.

You really saved my ass.
I appreciate it.

It's for a great cause.
How's Bernie?

Uh, he's in a lot of pain,
you know, pull, spasms,

but, uh, he's handling it
like a gladiator, so...

Good, good, 'cause, uh,

we got a little surprise

I think's going
to cheer him up.

You do?

Yeah.
(chuckles)

(phone ringing)

Yo, this is Mac.

Oh, hey, Charles.

Yeah, I got your pound cake.
Hilarious.

No, I'm not watching
Face The Race.

No, I'm not watching.

Hold on.

(audience laughing on tv)

Oh, now, that's very funny.

Where's the other stooge, Adam?

He's at your race

taking your place.

What the heck
he doing at my race?

Bernie, you're too old to run,

so I sent somebody

in your place in your race.

BERNIE: Shoot,
what you talking about? Adam?

He look less fit than you do.

Here's the thing, Bernie.

I'm not running the race,

she is.

Hi, Uncle Bernie.

Nessa?

What the heck you doing
in my race?

What does it look like
I'm doing?

Look, don't sass me.

And take that number off you.

That's for only the people
who running the race.

He doesn't think
I can finish the race.

Really? I don't know, Bernie.

She looks pretty fit to me.

BERNIE: Look,
where--where's Charles?

Charles, you need to learn

how to stay out
of people's private affairs.

And Nessa, I thought

me and you had this thing
settled already.

You told me
you weren't going to run.

(scoffs)

Peace in the Middle East.

(upbeat music playing)

WANDA: Here you go, baby,

let's soothe
those muscles.

Okay?

(cheering)

(gasps) Ooh, honey,
that's Vanessa.

Hey, kids!
Your sister's on TV!

Oh, look at her.

Ooh! Oh!

(groaning)

Oh-oh, come on.

Come on, Jordan.

Holy moly,
what's she doing?

She's running my race.

Your uncle's
on the phone.

(groans)

What?

"What?"

Yeah, Nessa,

you think you clever, don't you?

You think
you real clever.

You think you hurt me, too,
don't you?

What are you doing?

I'm running a race!

Leave me alone!

Honey, just leave
her alone.

At least this
is for charity.

You sponsored her, didn't you?

Crazy person.

I'm standing here
at the halfway point

and Bernie Mac's niece
just breezed by

like she was in
a Maxi Pad commercial.

She's looking strong.

Only five more kilometers
to go.

Back to you, Charles.

Trust me, I know my niece.

She may look like
she's doing pretty good,

but she's running on hate fumes,

and that's only going
to take her so far, trust me.

BRYANA:
She's slowing down.

JORDAN:
She's got nothing left.

Hello?

Hello, Barkley,
this is Mac.

Let me speak to my niece,
please.

She don't want
to talk to you!

Did I ask you that?
You know,

this is the kind
of harassment

athletes have to put up with

all the time!

Put her on the damn phone!

Put her on the damn phone!

Put her on!

CAROLLA:
Vanessa,

I got your uncle
on the line.

(groans) What?!

Hey, is this where you quit?

Why can't you just
leave me alone?

Watch it!

BERNIE: Oh, you going to let
an old lady pass you up?!

Show you up like that?

My side hurts!

Well, guess what.

It's a real soft,
comfy cushion

sitting here
right next to me.

I'd rather die.

Why must you torture her?

Because, baby,
she's three-quarters away.

And you know what?

Doggone it, I'm starting
to believe she can do it.

Why don't you leave
her alone then?

Leave her alone?

I'm the only thing
keeping her going, doggone it.

Come on, Nessa,
you can do it.

America, for once in her life,

looks like the girl
isn't going to quit.

And she's going
to finish that race

and I'm going to be there
when she does.

I don't care
how much pain I'm in.

If she can hobble her way
to the finish line, so can I.

(indistinct chatter)

WANDA: (cheering)

Hey, what are
you guys doing here?

Your uncle thought
it'd be great

if we come celebrate
your victory.

Congratulations, girl.
We did it.

We?

All you did
was annoy me.

Annoyed you right across
the finish line.

(groans)

Spite is an evil,
ugly thing, America,

but when used correctly,

it could be a wonderful
motivational tool.

And if it takes a little spite
and anger towards me

to inspire Vanessa
to finish what she starts,

I say, "Bring it on."

Today, a 10K.

Tomorrow, SATs.

See, parents, take note.

Annoy the hell out your kids.

You'll be surprised
what they can achieve.

Oh, and Charles,

thank you for your spite, too.

Without your pettiness,

none of this
could have happened.

Jordan, what you doing
in my room?

Can I have my stuff back?

My rockets and my Moon base?

I don't see what you have
against the space program.

You think I'm stupid?

That ain't no Moon base.

You trying to make body parts.

Body parts?

It looks like a butt!

Where's my clay?
I'm going to make some boobies!

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