All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s03e02 Love Thy Nephew.eng

Okay,
give me a verb.

I'm done with the
Mad Libs, Jordan.

Come on, just one verb.

Hush.

Oh, Thanks.

Hey, baby.
Yeah, honey.

You know we got some people
moving in next door?

I didn't know the other
people moved out.

What was their name...?

Uh... Um...

I don't know.

I have no idea.

Okay give me
an adjective.

Bothering.

Bothering me.

Okay, now, that's
not an adjective.

Bothersome.

Can you teach me to whittle?

Give me this... Wanda.

Look at this fool.

Baby, can we put him
back into karate?

Okay,

can I at least
have a BB gun? No.

Moped?
No.

Tree house?

A little box in the tree

where he can spend
all his free time.

America...

you thinking what I'm thinking?

We'll pick the lumber
up in the morning.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Ooh, what happened?

The new neighbors
turned their sprinklers on me

just 'cause I was
sitting on their lawn.

You sure it wasn't
no accident?

Their sprinklers
are probably on timers, sweetie.

I saw a man look at me
before they came on.

He did it
on purpose

and you don't even care.

Wait a minute.
Wait, wait.

I'm going to go over there
and get to the bottom of it.

Can you pick up
Bryana and her friend

from soccer
for me please?

Sure honey,
I'll take your car.

I got lumber in my car.

Side bar.

She doesn't like us in her car.

Now, I don't mind
taking them to school

or to the doctor,

but picking them up
from soccer?

I may as well haul pigs
out to the market.

Yeah, that's true.

Look, I will unload
the lumber myself.

Where is your
weight belt? Wanda.

It's not like
I don't love the kids.

I know that.
I love the kids.

Yeah, I know.
Okay, so did I hesitate

to give up my office
for Vanessa's room?

Mm-mm.
No. I did not.

Okay, and did I flinch

when Bryana threw up
on me last week?

You should have.
But I didn't.

No, you didn't.

And I didn't
say one word

when that boy
broke my high heels

playing dress up.

What?

But, honey,
it's my car.

It's the last thing

that says "Wanda"
and not "Mom."

Wow.

Baby, you're right.

I, I wasn't thinking.

But I always put
a quarter in Bryana's sock.

I'm quite sure
she'll figure out

to call somebody else

to come pick her
and her friends up.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, that's good.

Fine.
I'll go get her.

Thank you.

Dress-up.

(clearing throat)

Hey, what's up?

My name is Bernie Mac

and this is
my niece, Vanessa.

We live next door--
welcome to the neighborhood.

Well, Marcus Chatman.

Nice to meet you.
I'm a big fan.

Hello, Vanessa.

Um, uh...

Marcus, this is kind
of awkward, but...

earlier, my niece
was sitting on your lawn

and your sprinklers came on.

Did you get wet?

I'm so sorry, Vanessa.

I saw you
look at me.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I saw you
drawing out there,

but by the time
the sprinklers went on

I was just
as surprised as you.

They're on timers,
you know.

That's what we tried
to tell her, but she didn't...

Man, is that a
52-inch flat screen?

61-inch.

No kidding.

You know once you
go flat, you don't go back.

I like that.

Yeah, I tried
to turn them off, you know,

but I still don't know where

all the light switches
are in this place yet.

Well, we knew it was a
reasonable explanation.

(sniffing)

Man, is that a Cuban?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Why don't you come by later?

I got a walk-in humidor
full of them.

You're kidding.
Huh-uh.

How about 7:00?
I'll see you then.

Oh, and I still
haven't quite figured out

those sprinklers yet,
so you better be careful.

Hey, welcome.
Mmm.

Okay.
Yeah.

See you later.
Come on.

I like him.

The girl just doesn't know good
neighbors when she see one.

They could be like
back in the day

when we were sitting
on the stoop

talking all hours
of the night, sipping wine.

I mean, I don't mean to make the
guy my new best friend, America.

Hell, I don't even know
if the boy play golf,

but if he does,
he gonna be my buddy.

Stop.

Okay.

Who wants to be powder fresh?

Oh, great,

and, baby girl, you'll
learn to like it, cheer up.

Oh.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

To the sexiest
soccer chauffeur in town.

Oh. Thanks.

Sorry about your car.

My car is fine.

Oh, it's fine?
Mm-hmm.

You mean to tell me
no Cocoa Puffs on the seat?

No wet boogies on the window?

None of that.

See, you just have
to know how to manage

the situation.

Oh, and by the way,
I told Bryana

I would pick her up again

on Sunday.

Sweetheart, you
lucked up on this one.

I did?
Yes, you did.

I'm telling you
playing with fire.

That pristine driving
machine you got

going to turn
into a Mom's car.

Now, you watch
what I tell you.

I don't think so--
just because it happened

to yours doesn't mean
it's going to happen to mine.

See, I know what I'm doing.

Oh, is
that right? That's right.

Okay, you know
what you doing, do what you do.

I'll do what I do.
You do what you do.

Well, it's done.

Ooh. What is that?
Talk to me later.

Stop.

This is the den.

Oh, man, this is nice.
Real nice.

Thank you.

I'm telling you...

(dog growling)

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell
is that unholy creature?

Oh, that, that's Oscar.

These guys are
bred to fight bulls.

I look at him,
I see myself.

No, no, you're
not that ugly.

I don't mean nothing,
you know that.

I'm a lawyer, see,
I'm a litigator.

I get you in
that court room,

I lock down,
I don't let go.

Right, Oscar?

(barks, growls)

Scotch? Single-malt?

Yeah. Yeah,
I'll take a little bit.

Thank you.

Now, don't take this
the wrong way, Bernie,

but when I heard
I was moving in next door

to a couple with three kids,

you know, I
was worried,

but then, when I heard
it was you, I was cool,

because when it comes to
kids, Bernie Mac don't play.

Let me tell
you something.

I'm from the old school.

Marcus, I feel a kid shouldn't
speak unless he's spoken to.

If you're old enough
to talk back...

...you're old enough
to get hit

in the throat or the stomach.

My man. My man.

You want some
more Scotch?

Well, I-I
really shouldn't.

I got an early day
with the boy tomorrow.

Oh.

I mean, well I said
I shouldn't.

I didn't say
I wouldn't, though.

Yeah. I'll take
a little splash.

The pool is deep.

Lifeguard on every station.

Somebody drowning.

Good man.

JORDAN:
Uncle Bernie, this is awesome.

I can't believe
we built this. It's the best.

Okay.

Watch yourself, son.

Good.

Hey, Uncle Bernie.

-Huh?
-Shouldn't the lock be on the inside?

Yeah.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

Uh oh. What are
you so happy about?

Because I'm coming in
and he's staying out.

Baby, I'm free at last,
free at last.

Uncle Bernie, can I
eat dinner in my tree house?

♪ Hallelujah ♪

You can eat
any meal you want.

That's your tree house.

That's your home,
that's your castle,

and you ain't
even gotta ask,

'cause I ain't
going to say boo.

I might lay some carpet.

I'll get the staple gun.

What?

Oh, baby, you...
you babying the boy.

That boy should be able
to handle a staple gun.

You should have saw him
with the hammer, Wanda.

I saw him.

Damn. All right, I'll do it.

The whole idea was
to get the boy off my back.

He treat me
like a pack mule.

Jordan!

America, look at me.

Every time I think I'm done,

the boy wants something else.

He wants a skylight.

Now, America, you tell me,

what's a boy who's used
to sleeping three to a bed

know about a damn skylight, huh?

I'm sick of that damn tree house
and I'm sick of trees.

Well, honey,
just say no.

If I say no, baby,

I mean he going
be unhappy up there,

and that mean he going
to come back down here.

BRYANA:
Look what I've got.

What?

"My child is a star
student at Wellington."

Oh, congratulations, honey.

Oh, baby girl,
this is nice.

It's for you,
Aunt Wanda.

Okay.
Oh, okay.

You're supposed
to put it on your bumper.

I can't put this on my bumper.

Hmm.

Because I can't
see it back there.

So

I am going to put this

on the refrigerator.

That way
the whole family

can see it every time
we get something to eat.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay, let's go do that.

JORDAN (on radio):
Uncle Bernie. Remember when you told me

not to lean
against the wet paint?

Well, bring a roller
and a new shirt.

Over.

This...

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Marcus.

What's happening, man?

What's up with you?

I noticed your new
addition in the backyard.

You didn't tell me
you were adding on.

Oh. You're talking
about the tree house.

Don't get me started.

See, I built the tree house

for my nephew to keep him
out of my hair,

but he ended up
being a big pain.

The thing is, see,

I had this incredible Zen garden

built in my backyard.

Zen garden.

Flew in the top guy from Japan.

Wow.

Oh, yeah, he arranged

every rock, every
grain of sand.

This is, it's a freaking
piece of art.

It cost me 50 large.

$50,000?

Just for some sand?

Yeah, see, the thing
is, it's all designed

around this focal point.

See, it's where
your eye is drawn,

but not anymore.

As of yesterday,

your eye is drawn to a child
wearing a cape in a shack...

right above it.

Did you hear that?

Sounds like music to my ears.

Maybe you didn't hear
like I did.

Listen.

Marcus, are you, uh...

asking me to tear
the tree house down?

(whispers):
Thank you.

You heard him.

America, the man
has a focal point.

I mean, what was I supposed
to do, tell him no?

He's my neighbor.

You got to be good
to your neighbor.

The Lord says so.

My hands are tied,

but fortunately,
I can handle a crowbar.

I brought that tree house
into the world,

and I'm going to take it out.

(birds chirping)

I can't believe you're
going to take down

Jordan's tree
house for that guy.

Well, believe it-- that's what
a good neighbor does.

Jordan, come on down here;
I need to talk to you, son.

You don't want to talk.

You want to take down
my tree house.

Vanessa told me.

Stool pigeon.

Look, come on down
from there now, son.

Come here.
No.

You said this was my home.

I'm defending my home.

Well, you've been evicted...

and don't act like
no stranger to being evicted.

Is there a problem, Bernie?

Oh, hey, hey, neighbor,
no, it ain't nothing.

You know, the young blood
is just a little...

high strung right now.

Man, I figure give him
a couple hours

to be starving to death'll bring
his butt right down.

Eh... wait, is that...
is that a bucket of food?

Nessa!

Ne... Nessa, come on, now,
what you doing?

Just being a
good neighbor.

How'd you expect
him to react when you tell him

you're going
to rip down his little tree house?

He's stubborn
just like you.

You keep saying I'm stubborn.

I'm trying to tell you
that I'm not.

(snickers)

What's wrong?

The bumper sticker is gone.

Baby, forget that
bumper sticker.

I'll get you another one.

I'm trying to talk
about something serious.

Come on over here.
No, no, no.

See, it has to be here
somewhere.

It can't just... walk away.

Oh, Lord.

(car alarm blaring)
(screaming)

(alarm stops)

Your car scared me.

Uh, sweetie,
what were you doing?

I was trying to
put the sticker on the bumper for you.

Uh... tell you what.

Let's forget
about the refrigerator, okay?

I am going to frame that,

and I'm going to hang that up
in my office

so all of my coworkers can see

what a good student
you are, okay?

Okay.
All right, give me a little something.

Jordan!

Jordan!

(over radio)
Use the walkie-talkie, Uncle Bernie.

I can hear you,
and you can hear me.

Ain't no need to use
no walkie-talkie.

Jordan, stick your head
out the window right quick.

Now, let me tell
you something.

If you don't come down
this second,

you going without television
for a whole month now, you hear me?

I don't have TV in here anyway.

America, how can you punish
a kid

who's happy living in a box?

A boy his age
should be addicted to TV.

Where did I go wrong?

I mean, look at you.

You and your kids--
you're all watching TV.

You're good parents, America.

Son, listen.

Why are you willing to give up
television for a whole month

and get a whooping for an old
ugly box in a tree, huh?

Because we built it...
together.

It's ours.

Damn.

Turn the TV off
and do something with your kids,

because the rewards
are immeasurable.

"We... we built it together,
you... and me."

Thanks. As I
was saying,

you know how little boys
get attached to things.

I remember when I was his age,
I had a truck tire.

I used to play with it all day,
roll down the hill in it.

You ever have a tire,
Marcus?

No. Listen,
let me be clear.

The tree house comes down.

I've checked it out.

It violates zoning laws.

You're going to be like that?
Oh, yeah.

I told you,
don't mess with the bulldog, Bernie.

All right then, bulldog.

You have a nice day...

fake-ass Johnny Cochran.

(growls)

Fake-ass pit bull.

Nobody runs my nephew off.

Oh, no. We can't have that.

Okay, girls, you know the drill.

How come your mom

didn't put your bumper
sticker on her car?

She's not my mom;
she's my aunt.

That's so... yellow.

I know!

(laughs)

I wish we could stay up here
forever, Uncle Bernie.

What happens when you grow up
and get married?

I'll put up a curtain right here

so you can't see
my wife's boobies.

(laughs)

Jordan, you know eventually

we'll have to tear
this tree house down.

You know that. That's the law.

Yeah, I know...

but can't we stay up here
all night

just to drive
old Marcus crazy?

Yeah.

Ain't nothing going to get us
down out of this tree,

not tonight.

(sizzling noise)

(sniffs)

Jordan... you
smell something?

He's setting the tree
on fire!

Help!

Over.

Hey, Marcus,
my nephew got asthma.

Oh, good, then one more log

should do the trick.

Don't even try it-- I'm telling
you he's just a child.

Man, this is between me
and you.

Okay, then come down,

then he can come down,

then the tree house
can come down,

and we'll talk,
just you and me.

It ain't going to happen,
not tonight.

Alright, I don't know why
you want to make this difficult.

Well, I'll tell
you what, Marcus.

Damn it. You just made it
difficult.

No, Uncle Bernie,
where are you going?

We're about to have
a discrepancy of epic proportions.

Move now.
You can't leave, Uncle Bernie--

not in the middle
of a war.

America, if it was just me,

I'd go down there
and kick Marcus' ass,

but it's not always
about us grownups.

You see how much fun
that boy's having?

I'm at war,
but he's playing war.

Sometimes you got to listen
to the wisdom of a child.

Back in the day, America,
I'm telling you,

I'd let the pop go to weasel
until the weasel go pop.

(coughs)
Let me put over your nose.

(coughs):
Okay, how's that?

That's better?

What do we got to do,
Uncle Bernie?

I don't know, but
I can't let you choke to death.

VANESSA:
Hey, Uncle Bernie!

Hold on, hold on.

Heads up!

Hey, good looking out,
Nessa.

Hmmph!

Load up.

Ready?
Ready.

Let's go.

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!
Hey!

Hey, cut that!

Hey, stop that!

(screaming)
Yeah!

Hey, I think
we put the fire out.

Hey, what's he doing?

Ow! Stop that!
You cut that out!

Look how mad he is,
Uncle Bernie.

War is hell!

Oops, I cussed.

Well, well, we're
in the foxhole.

Anything goes.

What's he doing?

Incoming.

Look out, get down!

You see what you get?

You play with the bulldog,

you're going
to get bit.

Hey, what you
think he doing?

Incoming!

What is that?

That's a bonsai tree.

The fool's tearing
up his Zen garden.

That's not very Zen!

You're coming down.

You haven't seen anything yet.

You get in the way
of my Zen garden,

and you're going to pay
the price.

I haven't even started with you!

I'm beginning to think he turned
the sprinklers on Vanessa.

Son, I think we better
settle in.

It's going to be a long night.

Ow, I've been hit.

Medic, medic, man
down, man down!

(birds chirping)

Uncle Bernie, we did it.

We made it through the night.

We won the war.

Yeah.

(laughing):
We won. We won.

Come on, wake up.

You got to wake up.

Come on, wake up.

Oh, God, did you fall
out of the tree house?

Baby, just a couple of heroes
returning from battle, huh?

Well, welcome home, General.

Yes, ma'am.

Private.

Baby, little man earned
his stripes.

I'm proud of him.

Oh, man... look
at you guys.

You stink.

That's what battle
does to a man.

(sniffs):
Mad Natural.

And I'll tell
you what.

To celebrate, I'm taking us
all out to breakfast.

How about that?

Come on,
let's get cleaned up.

Aw, do we have to?

Uh, no.

Let's go in my car.

BERNIE:
Good. Come on.

Baby, you should've
seen us.

The guy threw
this bonsai tree, right,

And I smell good.
and it came against the wall,

Oh, no, you don't.
and then Jordan...

Who threw a tree?
The-the neighbor.

I tell you, I
kicked his ass.

Just when we thought we found

a way to work around these kids,

we learned the only way
to make it is with 'em.

Now, I know what you say.

You say we should know that
by now,

but I don't care what you say.

In our own little way,
Wanda and I...

we're getting the hang of this,
y'all.

Yes, sir, we're getting
the hang of it.

I know what
I'm doing. Is that right?

Yes, I do.

Well, put it on there.

Well, thank you.
You like it?

Yeah, if you put it there,
I'll find out.

Well, you know, I'm
going to get it in there.

Yeah.
Pick something I can put in there.

Yeah, well, put some crazy glue
on there, then.

Why do I want to
put some crazy glue in my hair?

Well, you know,
let's move on, let's move on.

(rolling tongue):
Carmen. Yeah.

Sweet... sweet... yeah.

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