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1
00:00:19,294 --> 00:00:22,514
America, kids are like oysters.
2
00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:25,019
Especially when it comes down
to doing homework
3
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:26,412
'cause they like to clam up
4
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:28,024
and pretend like they don't
have any.
5
00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:29,685
See, that's why
it's the parents' job
6
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:32,523
to dig 'em out of the mud
and get 'em to open up.
7
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:34,389
Then once you do that,
8
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,368
you could be that little bit of
grit that get inside the shell,
9
00:00:37,446 --> 00:00:39,356
just irritates them--
I like that.
10
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:42,029
'Cause it's the little grain
of sand that makes the pearl.
11
00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:43,699
Remember that, America.
12
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,037
Oysters...
13
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:47,912
(slurps)
14
00:00:47,989 --> 00:00:51,129
...'cause if you can't put up
with the grit... shuck 'em.
15
00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:52,630
We better get a move on,
or we're going to be late.
16
00:00:52,702 --> 00:00:54,382
Come on, baby, the teachers
ain't going nowhere.
17
00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:55,474
They'll be there
when we get there.
18
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:57,047
Come on,
let me finish my dinner.
19
00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:58,224
You know, you
don't have to go.
20
00:00:58,291 --> 00:00:59,551
Parent night is optional.
21
00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:00,806
Oh, no, I want to go.
22
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,886
I want to find out
what you don't want me to know.
23
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,193
That's why I'm going to go.
24
00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:06,685
I'm doing a science project.
25
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,057
Oh, yeah?
26
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:09,985
Everyone has to make
a model insect.
27
00:01:10,062 --> 00:01:11,652
I'm making a dung beetle.
28
00:01:11,721 --> 00:01:13,121
What's a dung?
29
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:16,148
I think it's a topic
that can wait till after dinner.
30
00:01:16,226 --> 00:01:17,896
Dung's cow poop, stupid.
31
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:19,438
BERNIE:
Hey, hey, hey.
32
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,213
You can see we're eating dinner,
man. Come on.
33
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:22,581
That's what the beetles do
with their dung.
34
00:01:22,658 --> 00:01:26,078
They stick it in their mouth
and mash it up
35
00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:29,333
(garbled)
...that comes streaming out. Mmm.
36
00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,220
This boy done messed up
my appetite.
37
00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:33,081
I'll take my pie in the truck.
38
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,290
Stinkin'...
39
00:01:34,369 --> 00:01:36,089
I want pie.
WANDA: Stay here
40
00:01:36,163 --> 00:01:37,573
and eat your dinner.
Okay.
41
00:01:37,648 --> 00:01:40,418
In-in truth, Vanessa is
one of my favorite students.
42
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,004
Thank you, man.
You know what?
43
00:01:42,077 --> 00:01:44,637
I like to think
that we do a good job on keeping up on her.
44
00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:46,183
Actually, I have a theory.
45
00:01:46,256 --> 00:01:48,516
I firmly believe
that most kids are like oysters.
46
00:01:48,592 --> 00:01:49,652
Uh, Bernie...
47
00:01:49,726 --> 00:01:51,726
No, actually, I agree
with you, Bernie.
48
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,097
I-I think that
if anything,
49
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,980
Vanessa needs to come
out of her shell.
50
00:01:55,056 --> 00:01:56,436
Uh, she does in gymnastics.
51
00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:59,226
And-and that's fine.
That's great.
52
00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:00,835
But, you know,
I just...
53
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:04,326
I'd like to see her
do something that challenges her mind.
54
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,740
Any suggestions?
55
00:02:08,820 --> 00:02:09,920
Student government?
56
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:11,197
Uh, no, definitely not.
57
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:12,905
What you talking about?
58
00:02:12,983 --> 00:02:14,333
Your teacher said
you'd make a great class officer.
59
00:02:14,409 --> 00:02:16,209
Okay, why don't I just
run for president?
60
00:02:16,286 --> 00:02:17,456
As a suggestion.
61
00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:19,877
Or how about one
of the lesser offices
62
00:02:19,956 --> 00:02:21,306
like class treasurer.
63
00:02:21,383 --> 00:02:23,273
Why don't I just join Mathletes?
64
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,523
Uh, excuse you,
Miss Thing.
65
00:02:25,596 --> 00:02:29,136
I was class treasurer
of my sophomore year
66
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:32,976
and by my senior year,
I was class president.
67
00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:34,813
Yeah, but I'm not like you.
68
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,648
I can't win an election.
Boo.
69
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:37,903
What you talking about?
70
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,278
You a Mac.
71
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,870
You could do anything
you put your mind to it.
72
00:02:49,653 --> 00:02:52,253
No one's going
to wear these.
73
00:02:52,322 --> 00:02:53,802
All right, buttons.
74
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,044
Can we have some?
75
00:02:55,116 --> 00:02:56,256
Sure.
76
00:02:58,286 --> 00:02:59,536
It doesn't matter.
77
00:02:59,621 --> 00:03:01,001
They're just going to
make you throw them away.
78
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:02,811
Why?
79
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,553
-Ow!
-(laughing)
80
00:03:05,627 --> 00:03:08,007
Excuse me.
81
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,928
Who wants money?
82
00:03:10,006 --> 00:03:12,176
I'll take some.
83
00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:13,679
"In Chelsea We Trust."
84
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:14,770
This isn't money.
85
00:03:14,844 --> 00:03:16,674
They're coupons.
86
00:03:16,747 --> 00:03:18,607
They're good for
free video games at my dad's arcade.
87
00:03:18,682 --> 00:03:20,612
Score.
88
00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:23,374
Want one, Vanessa?
89
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,533
Oh, it's on.
90
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,202
It's on.
91
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,077
BERNIE:
What the hell is that?
92
00:03:32,153 --> 00:03:33,663
It's a dung ball.
93
00:03:33,738 --> 00:03:34,868
Isn't it glorious?
94
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:35,868
It's foul!
95
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,789
I know.
I added extra stink.
96
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,961
What happened to the beetle?
97
00:03:39,035 --> 00:03:39,955
I didn't get around
to that yet.
98
00:03:40,036 --> 00:03:40,956
You mean to tell me
99
00:03:41,037 --> 00:03:42,297
you spent a whole week
100
00:03:42,372 --> 00:03:43,512
building a pile of...?
WOMAN: Shh.
101
00:03:43,581 --> 00:03:45,971
It is time to judge
the projects.
102
00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:47,352
Judge 'em?
103
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:48,997
Whoo!
104
00:03:49,079 --> 00:03:53,009
It's a cricket and when you rub
its hind legs, it really chirps.
105
00:03:53,091 --> 00:03:54,981
(chirping)
106
00:03:55,051 --> 00:03:56,191
(chirping continues)
107
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:59,230
It's a walking stick,
but it's also a pen.
108
00:03:59,306 --> 00:04:01,406
I made one for everybody.
109
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:06,072
The spider's body
is made from...
110
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,606
Mm...
111
00:04:07,623 --> 00:04:08,743
Marzipan.
112
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:10,245
...marzipan.
113
00:04:15,113 --> 00:04:16,883
(exhales)
114
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:24,381
Uncle Bernie,
can I ask you something?
115
00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,170
Yeah, Jordan, yeah.
116
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,433
Am I slow?
117
00:04:34,632 --> 00:04:39,272
America, is that the saddest
thing you ever heard?
118
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:41,976
The poor kid.
119
00:04:42,057 --> 00:04:43,407
He puts his blood, his sweat
120
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:46,913
and God knows what else
into this... this thing.
121
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:52,817
He brings it here, all proud,
and they make him feel like...
122
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:55,341
like a pile of this.
123
00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:01,002
America, you saw those projects.
124
00:05:01,076 --> 00:05:02,536
Not a single one done by them.
125
00:05:02,619 --> 00:05:04,119
You all gonna tell me
126
00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:07,046
that some eight-year-old made
some remote control ladybug?
127
00:05:07,123 --> 00:05:08,383
I don't think so.
128
00:05:08,458 --> 00:05:10,718
America,
it's downright shameful.
129
00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:12,394
At least my kids
do they own work.
130
00:05:12,462 --> 00:05:14,552
And they gonna keep on doing
they own work.
131
00:05:14,631 --> 00:05:16,641
And if they try to compete
and they can't
132
00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:18,176
and they get "F," well, fine.
133
00:05:18,259 --> 00:05:19,879
At least they earned 'em.
134
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,063
And if they try to go to college
and they can't get in,
135
00:05:22,138 --> 00:05:23,018
that's fine, too.
136
00:05:23,098 --> 00:05:25,898
They can live at home.
137
00:05:25,975 --> 00:05:27,775
Oh, no...
138
00:05:28,978 --> 00:05:31,908
So, Jordan, what is it
that you got to make, a monastery?
139
00:05:31,981 --> 00:05:34,571
A Spanish mission for our unit
on California history.
140
00:05:34,651 --> 00:05:36,791
Uh-huh. Show me what
you got to build.
141
00:05:36,861 --> 00:05:38,441
I want to build
San Luis Obispo. Uh-huh.
142
00:05:38,513 --> 00:05:40,913
See, it was built in this place
called the Valley of the Bears.
143
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:42,670
And when the Spanish guys
were building it,
144
00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:44,462
they kept on getting attacked
by bears.
145
00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:45,690
So I want to have the monks
146
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,262
getting eaten by bears,
like this...
147
00:05:47,339 --> 00:05:48,799
Ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho, Jordan, Jordan.
148
00:05:48,873 --> 00:05:50,593
Look at this crib.
This sharp, man.
149
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:52,427
It has a bell tower
and everything.
150
00:05:52,502 --> 00:05:53,732
A working aqueduct.
151
00:05:53,804 --> 00:05:55,354
What do you say
we build this?
152
00:05:55,430 --> 00:05:58,440
Yeah! And can the aqueduct
run red with the blood of the infidels?
153
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:03,935
Jordan, you not slow--
you're sick...
154
00:06:04,013 --> 00:06:06,313
but I think I like you.
155
00:06:06,391 --> 00:06:08,271
Um, Uncle Bernie?
156
00:06:08,351 --> 00:06:09,781
Hmm?
157
00:06:09,853 --> 00:06:13,283
I could really use your help
on my campaign election.
158
00:06:13,356 --> 00:06:14,946
What's the
problem, baby?
159
00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:17,124
Okay, well, there's
this stupid girl, Chelsea,
160
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,537
and she thinks she's so smart
161
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,745
and, you know,
I knew my buttons were whack,
162
00:06:20,822 --> 00:06:23,502
but she comes up and says,
"Ugh! Those buttons are whack."
163
00:06:23,575 --> 00:06:25,995
Oh, and then,
she was passing out bills
164
00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,001
that her dad made.
165
00:06:28,079 --> 00:06:30,169
Oh... okay.
166
00:06:30,248 --> 00:06:31,628
I see how they want to play.
167
00:06:31,708 --> 00:06:33,298
Don't worry about it, Nessa.
168
00:06:33,376 --> 00:06:35,006
I got your back.
169
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,470
Whatever you need, you
let me know-- I gotcha.
170
00:06:37,547 --> 00:06:39,307
What I need...
Mm-hmm?
171
00:06:39,382 --> 00:06:42,022
...is you.
172
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,307
All right!
173
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,890
Now we're firing
on both cylinders.
174
00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:47,151
See, Bernie Mac gonna school
those schools.
175
00:06:47,223 --> 00:06:49,983
See, America, when all
the parents started meddling,
176
00:06:50,059 --> 00:06:52,649
they didn't know what they
was messing with. Oh, no.
177
00:06:52,729 --> 00:06:54,609
See, Bernie Mac may only be
an uncle,
178
00:06:54,689 --> 00:06:56,819
but I could still bring on
the Big Daddy--
179
00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:59,950
I mean the Big Daddy--
'cause I'm the Mac.
180
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:01,328
Son, what the
hell you doin'?
181
00:07:01,404 --> 00:07:02,414
I want to do something.
182
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:03,789
You want to do something?
Yeah.
183
00:07:03,865 --> 00:07:05,285
Go on in the kitchen,
get me a pop.
184
00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:06,546
But I want to help.
185
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,627
That helps me.
When I'm thirsty,
186
00:07:07,702 --> 00:07:09,132
I can't work when
I'm thirsty, ok?
187
00:07:09,204 --> 00:07:10,054
(growls)
188
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,460
Wow.
189
00:07:11,539 --> 00:07:13,419
Ooh, this is really
coming along.
190
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,670
Nice, eh?
Real nice.
191
00:07:14,751 --> 00:07:16,431
What part did you build,
Jordan?
192
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:18,303
Well, nothing yet.
193
00:07:18,379 --> 00:07:21,059
But after Uncle Bernie's done,
he's got to let me add these.
194
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:24,141
See, the Native Americans were
always attacking the missions.
195
00:07:24,219 --> 00:07:25,359
Hey, hey, hey.
'Cause then...
196
00:07:25,437 --> 00:07:26,767
Jordan! Jordan!
197
00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:28,766
Look... think you doin'?
Bernie, Bernie.
198
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:30,688
Baby, it took me
hours to put this thing together
199
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:32,277
then Quasimodo
come along...
200
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:33,512
And what?
201
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,284
Tries to get involved
in his own project?
202
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,775
Kinda, sorta.
203
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,816
Okay, well,
it's his assignment, remember?
204
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,714
Come on, now,
let the boy contribute.
205
00:07:42,487 --> 00:07:44,197
Here.
206
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,250
America, my baby's right.
207
00:07:46,324 --> 00:07:47,794
You know she's right.
208
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,667
This is Jordan's project.
209
00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:53,335
But it's my hard work,
and the boy's ruined it.
210
00:07:53,414 --> 00:07:54,804
Look at this mess.
211
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,604
Look like a P-Funk concert.
212
00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:58,836
The thing was perfect.
213
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,850
It don't need no
mother ship connection.
214
00:08:00,922 --> 00:08:01,702
It's mine!
215
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,563
All mine!
216
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:05,143
CRAIG: You all know me.
(applause)
217
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,378
I'm Craig Sullivan.
218
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:08,518
I'm running for vice president.
219
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:09,600
Here's my speech.
220
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,865
(cheering)
221
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:15,243
(roars)
222
00:08:15,311 --> 00:08:17,791
Aah...!
223
00:08:19,649 --> 00:08:21,819
Thank you, Mr... Sullivan.
224
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:25,081
Now, we'll hear from
Vanessa Thomkins.
225
00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:26,754
Vanessa?
226
00:08:26,823 --> 00:08:28,583
(light applause)
227
00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:31,038
Um...
228
00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:34,499
I'm Vanessa and everybody
usually gives a speech,
229
00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:36,591
so I thought I
wouldn't do that.
230
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:37,916
Too late.
231
00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:40,431
You had your turn,
Mr. Sullivan.
232
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:43,807
So, I made this.
233
00:08:48,103 --> 00:08:50,813
Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm runninfor class treasurer.
234
00:08:50,888 --> 00:08:53,478
Now, I know that duringthe course of this election
235
00:08:53,558 --> 00:08:55,188
a lot of peoplehave been asking you
236
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:56,908
how you would improvethe school.
237
00:08:56,987 --> 00:08:59,607
But since we can't actually
burn it down,
238
00:08:59,689 --> 00:09:02,569
I thought someone should
ask the faculty instead.
239
00:09:02,650 --> 00:09:04,120
VANESSA:
Mr. Duff?
240
00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:06,793
Mr. Duff, could I speak with you
for a minute?
241
00:09:06,863 --> 00:09:08,673
Yeah, you can speak.
242
00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:11,578
Mr. Duff, how would you
improve our school?
243
00:09:11,659 --> 00:09:16,089
(slurred speech)
I'm gonna tell you how you improve your school.
244
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:19,314
You improve your school
by having less students.
245
00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:20,434
(laughing)
246
00:09:20,501 --> 00:09:22,641
Once you have less students,
247
00:09:22,712 --> 00:09:25,102
you improve your school.
248
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:29,273
Uh, uh, uh, yes, uh,what I always felt
249
00:09:29,344 --> 00:09:33,154
what the s-student needed most
was a-a-a rotunda
250
00:09:33,222 --> 00:09:36,772
wh-where the student governmentcould meet w-with a huge
251
00:09:36,851 --> 00:09:37,901
capital dome.
252
00:09:37,977 --> 00:09:40,277
I-I've al-always felt that.
253
00:09:40,355 --> 00:09:42,695
(raspy)
I'll tell you how you can improve the school,
254
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:45,198
more book-working
and less horseplay.
255
00:09:45,276 --> 00:09:47,826
This is what horseplay
will get you.
256
00:09:47,904 --> 00:09:51,124
And you know what,
I didn't even see it coming.
257
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:53,253
VANESSA:
You all know our principal, Mr. Gates.
258
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,086
I want to institute a policy
of student principal for a day.
259
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:58,052
You really think that would
improve the school?
260
00:09:58,122 --> 00:10:00,092
Who cares?
I just want out of this zoo.
261
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,510
(tires screeching)
262
00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,064
(applause and cheering)
263
00:10:04,253 --> 00:10:05,553
Simmer down.
264
00:10:05,630 --> 00:10:07,350
Simmer down, people.
265
00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:09,063
Now that was Vanessa Thom...
266
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:11,023
Mac.
267
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,768
(applause)
268
00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:16,025
(chanting)
Mac! Mac!
269
00:10:19,644 --> 00:10:20,694
A toast to the winners.
270
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:22,030
Whoo-hoo!
271
00:10:22,105 --> 00:10:24,855
Your dad was so
awesome in that video.
272
00:10:24,941 --> 00:10:26,411
Actually, he's my uncle.
273
00:10:26,484 --> 00:10:27,584
Who cares?
274
00:10:27,652 --> 00:10:29,412
We should get him to host
the talent show.
275
00:10:29,487 --> 00:10:30,407
Hey!
276
00:10:30,488 --> 00:10:31,538
I don't know.
277
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,258
Doing it.
278
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:36,333
I'm vice president.
279
00:10:36,411 --> 00:10:37,561
Talent show?
280
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,127
What that got to do
with treasurer, baby?
281
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,875
It's a fund-raiser,
and we're raising money.
282
00:10:40,957 --> 00:10:42,557
And I don't ever ask you
for anything. Please?
283
00:10:42,634 --> 00:10:44,344
Oh, look at that baby.
284
00:10:44,419 --> 00:10:46,759
Already in office one day,
she use her political muscle.
285
00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:48,452
Oh, honey,
just do it.
286
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,643
Okay. And I'll give you
the whole Mac attack, baby.
287
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:51,717
I mean, all of it.
288
00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:53,371
Oh, yeah, baby.
289
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:57,028
Please don't act like that
when we get there.
290
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:12,867
Well, this
is impressive!
291
00:11:12,947 --> 00:11:14,907
Jordan, are those
real tiles?
292
00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:17,001
I-I think I can
field that end.
293
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:19,176
They're Lee
Press-On Nails.
294
00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:21,424
Bringing the Projects
to the project.
295
00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:22,587
JORDAN:
Actually,
296
00:11:22,665 --> 00:11:23,625
this isn't the original roof.
297
00:11:23,708 --> 00:11:24,628
Sure it is.
298
00:11:24,709 --> 00:11:25,879
Uh-uh.
299
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:26,642
Yes it is.
I only built one roof.
300
00:11:27,962 --> 00:11:29,202
I mean, together.
301
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,890
I'm talking about
the real mission.
302
00:11:30,965 --> 00:11:33,975
The mission in San Diego
actually had three roofs
303
00:11:34,051 --> 00:11:35,331
in its history.
304
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,953
The first was made out of wood,
like this.
305
00:11:38,022 --> 00:11:39,562
Now when did
you make that?
306
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,024
I've had a lot of spare time.
307
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,450
Be careful, Jordan.
308
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:45,987
Actually, the Native Americans
didn't like the monks
309
00:11:46,063 --> 00:11:48,413
because they tried to convert
them to Christianity
310
00:11:48,483 --> 00:11:50,833
and make them learn Spanish
and other atrocities.
311
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:52,490
Why you looking at me
when you say that?
312
00:11:52,570 --> 00:11:55,160
So one night,
they attacked the mission.
313
00:11:55,239 --> 00:11:56,969
But they soon found out
314
00:11:57,041 --> 00:12:00,341
that they were no match
for the Spanish firearms.
315
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,040
Jordan...
316
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:05,971
That's when
they torched the roof.
317
00:12:06,042 --> 00:12:07,092
Jordan, Jordan, Jordan!
318
00:12:07,168 --> 00:12:08,758
Ha-ha!
Jordan, Jordan!
319
00:12:08,836 --> 00:12:10,006
(screaming)
320
00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:12,431
(laughing maniacally)
321
00:12:12,507 --> 00:12:14,177
♪ Fire ♪
322
00:12:14,258 --> 00:12:17,188
♪♪
323
00:12:19,647 --> 00:12:21,607
Whoa!
324
00:12:24,268 --> 00:12:27,118
♪♪
325
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,449
I'm down here, America.
326
00:12:36,531 --> 00:12:37,791
Yoo-hoo.
327
00:12:37,865 --> 00:12:39,865
Right here.
328
00:12:39,885 --> 00:12:41,875
How you like that?
329
00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:44,957
America, I break my back
for those doggone kids
330
00:12:45,039 --> 00:12:46,839
and what's they thanks?
331
00:12:46,916 --> 00:12:48,296
They break my back.
332
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:49,546
Well, that's it.
333
00:12:49,627 --> 00:12:50,927
You think I'm playing?
334
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,603
You mark my words:
335
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:57,560
I will never, ever do nothing
for those kids.
336
00:12:57,635 --> 00:13:00,135
Oh, God.
337
00:13:00,221 --> 00:13:03,561
Nessa's talent show tonight.
338
00:13:03,641 --> 00:13:05,151
America, I got to...
339
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,030
Help me up. Help me up.
340
00:13:08,104 --> 00:13:09,994
Wanda, ain't no way.
341
00:13:10,064 --> 00:13:11,824
I can't go, I can't do it,
I can't do it.
342
00:13:11,899 --> 00:13:13,029
Oh, I want to die.
343
00:13:13,109 --> 00:13:14,779
I really, really
want to die.
344
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:15,991
Nessa, you know
I'm not playing.
345
00:13:16,070 --> 00:13:17,420
You know I'd do anything
for you, Nessa.
346
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,917
If I could, I would.
347
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:20,972
I took four pain pills;
they ain't working.
348
00:13:21,042 --> 00:13:23,092
Everybody's going to hate me.
349
00:13:23,169 --> 00:13:24,789
Sweetie, do you want me
to come with you
350
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:26,921
for moral support?
351
00:13:26,998 --> 00:13:28,418
(moans)
352
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,013
I'm sorry, honey.
353
00:13:30,084 --> 00:13:31,594
Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
354
00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:32,709
Come on.
355
00:13:32,787 --> 00:13:34,217
Are you kidding?
You're kidding.
356
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,731
Tell me you're kidding.
357
00:13:35,807 --> 00:13:38,357
Because if you're not kidding,
this is so not good.
358
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,736
Oh, my God.
359
00:13:41,813 --> 00:13:43,233
It's so not good.
360
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,440
Look, uh, I'd leave town
if I were you,
361
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,900
'cause when people find out
there's no Bernie Mac,
362
00:13:47,977 --> 00:13:48,777
they're going for your throat.
363
00:13:48,853 --> 00:13:51,153
Craig.
364
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:53,820
What? It's the only reason
people voted for her.
365
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,874
Shut up, Sully.
366
00:13:55,943 --> 00:13:58,333
All right, all right.
367
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,554
Sully has left the building.
368
00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:09,415
Well, I guess I should
tell the people.
369
00:14:09,498 --> 00:14:12,388
Don't worry, Vanessa.
I'll handle it.
370
00:14:14,762 --> 00:14:17,142
All right, let's have a round
of applause for Ian here.
371
00:14:17,214 --> 00:14:18,144
Thank you, Ian.
372
00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:19,385
Brittany, do you
really think
373
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:22,057
that's the only reason
people voted for me?
374
00:14:22,136 --> 00:14:23,656
Completely.
375
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,938
But only a jerk like Craig
would say it to your face.
376
00:14:26,015 --> 00:14:29,275
(audience booing)
377
00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:35,209
Uncle Bernie,
I brought you a drink.
378
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:40,090
Oh, Jordan.
Thank you, son.
379
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:49,180
Jordan, I'm sorry
about your project.
380
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:51,175
But you learned
a lot, didn't you?
381
00:14:52,216 --> 00:14:55,926
Jordan, I am so proud of you.
382
00:14:56,003 --> 00:14:57,603
Wow.
383
00:14:57,672 --> 00:15:00,732
Uncle Bernie,
I like you on painkillers.
384
00:15:00,808 --> 00:15:02,928
Yeah?
385
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:04,440
I'm nicer, huh?
386
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:10,902
Hey... I love you.
387
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:12,357
I feel good, America.
388
00:15:12,436 --> 00:15:15,236
Doctor gave me a subscription.
389
00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:19,284
Mm, actually, America,
I feel kind of bad.
390
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,700
I let Nessa down.
391
00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:25,170
I wish there was something
I could do.
392
00:15:31,122 --> 00:15:34,472
Wait, there is, America.
393
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,552
Don't worry.
394
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:39,271
The Mac Man ain't operating
no heavy machinery.
395
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:43,975
Excuse me, America,
I got to make a phone call.
396
00:15:44,051 --> 00:15:45,821
I got...
397
00:15:47,805 --> 00:15:49,155
I got it.
398
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,661
Hey, kid.
399
00:15:58,733 --> 00:15:59,703
How you holding up?
400
00:15:59,775 --> 00:16:01,195
Mm.
401
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,331
I brought someone
who wants to meet you.
402
00:16:04,405 --> 00:16:07,995
Your uncle called in
some reinforcements.
403
00:16:08,075 --> 00:16:10,075
Oh, my gosh.
404
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:13,595
Nessa, this is India.Arie.
405
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,091
Hi.
406
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,852
You're such
a pretty chocolate chip.
407
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,441
I hear it's
a tough crowd out there.
408
00:16:26,802 --> 00:16:30,322
Well, do you think
they'd mind if I sing?
409
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,657
We going to get 'em.
I got your back.
410
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,776
(audience grumbling)
411
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:40,029
All right, fine,
I couldn't get Bernie Mac.
412
00:16:40,107 --> 00:16:42,487
But I did get
413
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,488
someone better than Bernie Mac.
414
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,250
So give it up for India.Arie.
415
00:16:46,322 --> 00:16:48,632
(grumbling)
416
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,838
Sorry, India,
I guess they don't want you.
417
00:16:53,337 --> 00:16:56,457
(audience gasping)
418
00:16:56,540 --> 00:17:00,390
(applauding and cheering)
419
00:17:05,341 --> 00:17:07,321
This is for my girl Vanessa.
420
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,900
Let me tell you why I love him.
421
00:17:13,974 --> 00:17:16,904
♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪
422
00:17:16,977 --> 00:17:18,937
♪ Said he is so real ♪
423
00:17:19,021 --> 00:17:21,531
♪ And I love the way ♪
424
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,451
♪ That he makes me feel ♪
425
00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:29,247
♪ And if I am
a reflection of him ♪
426
00:17:29,323 --> 00:17:32,043
♪ Then I must be fly ♪
427
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:35,628
♪ Because his light, it shines
so bright, I wouldn't lie ♪
428
00:17:35,704 --> 00:17:40,934
♪ I remember the very first day
that I saw him ♪
429
00:17:41,001 --> 00:17:46,101
♪ I found myself immediately
intrigued by him ♪
430
00:17:46,173 --> 00:17:50,983
♪ It's almost like I knew this
man from another life ♪
431
00:17:51,053 --> 00:17:53,983
♪ Like back when maybe
I was his husband ♪
432
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,440
♪ Maybe he was my wife ♪
433
00:17:56,517 --> 00:17:59,317
♪ And even the things
I don't like about him ♪
434
00:17:59,395 --> 00:18:01,735
♪ Are fine with me ♪
435
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,448
♪ 'Cause it's not hard for me
to understand him ♪
436
00:18:04,525 --> 00:18:06,865
♪ 'Cause he's so much like me ♪
437
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:11,828
♪ And it's truly my pleasure
to share his company ♪
438
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:14,417
♪ And I know
that it's God's gift ♪
439
00:18:14,493 --> 00:18:17,383
♪ To breathe
the air he breathes ♪
440
00:18:17,454 --> 00:18:19,634
♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪
441
00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:22,047
♪ Said he is so real ♪
442
00:18:22,126 --> 00:18:25,086
♪ And I love the way ♪
443
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:27,681
♪ That he makes me feel ♪
444
00:18:27,756 --> 00:18:32,476
♪ And if I am
a reflection of him ♪
445
00:18:32,553 --> 00:18:34,953
♪ Then I must be fly ♪
446
00:18:35,022 --> 00:18:40,032
♪ Because his light,
it shines so bright, oh... ♪
447
00:18:40,102 --> 00:18:42,152
Oh, I still
can't believe it.
448
00:18:42,229 --> 00:18:44,199
Oh, my God.
She was so cool.
449
00:18:44,273 --> 00:18:45,783
Well, congratulations,
Nessa.
450
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,988
Sounds like it was
a huge success, huh?
451
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,202
Yeah, it was.
452
00:18:49,278 --> 00:18:50,748
Come and tell me,
come on.
453
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:53,960
I just wish I had
something to do with it.
454
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,673
What you talking about?
455
00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:58,843
Oh, come on, it's not like I
could have called up Inda.Arie.
456
00:18:58,913 --> 00:19:01,343
Face it, Uncle Bernie,
that was all you.
457
00:19:01,415 --> 00:19:02,585
Okay, okay,
maybe it was me,
458
00:19:02,666 --> 00:19:04,176
but, baby, you still got
459
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,218
the tools to be great
in student government.
460
00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:09,045
Yeah, but I'm not
great at it now,
461
00:19:09,131 --> 00:19:11,311
and I don't really like it.
462
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:14,023
It's not my thing,
and that's why I'm quitting.
463
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,188
Come on, now, Nessa.
464
00:19:15,262 --> 00:19:16,772
What do you mean quitting?
465
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,981
You're a Mac;
we don't quit at nothing.
466
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:21,582
All right, baby, give me one
reason why you should quit.
467
00:19:21,652 --> 00:19:23,572
Uh, honey, I think
she just gave you three.
468
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:26,040
All right, Nessa,
listen.
469
00:19:26,115 --> 00:19:27,565
The reason we encourage you,
470
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:29,410
because you got so much
potential, sweetheart.
471
00:19:29,485 --> 00:19:30,775
We try to give you something
472
00:19:30,861 --> 00:19:32,541
that you can
believe in yourself.
473
00:19:32,613 --> 00:19:34,293
Oh, I do believe in myself.
474
00:19:34,365 --> 00:19:36,165
And I know that I don't want
475
00:19:36,242 --> 00:19:38,132
to hang out with dorks
like Sully.
476
00:19:38,202 --> 00:19:41,422
But I do want to hang out
with people like India.Arie.
477
00:19:41,497 --> 00:19:44,717
That's what I believe, okay?
478
00:19:46,001 --> 00:19:47,441
Okay, Nessa.
479
00:19:53,008 --> 00:19:54,268
Wow.
480
00:19:54,343 --> 00:19:55,783
Good night.
481
00:19:57,972 --> 00:19:59,152
Wanda, maybe
we can do...
482
00:19:59,223 --> 00:20:00,403
You know what?
483
00:20:00,474 --> 00:20:03,324
I think we should let her
find her own thing.
484
00:20:03,394 --> 00:20:04,834
Might be right.
485
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:05,624
Mm-hmm.
486
00:20:05,696 --> 00:20:07,986
I believe Wanda's right.
487
00:20:08,065 --> 00:20:11,615
Kids really do find their
own way, in their own time.
488
00:20:11,694 --> 00:20:13,074
We did.
489
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:14,786
And if they're gonna learn,
they're gonna learn
490
00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:17,253
whether we poke 'em
or prod 'em or not.
491
00:20:17,324 --> 00:20:18,894
I mean, look at Jordan.
492
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,417
All that stuff he
learned about Spanish monks
493
00:20:21,495 --> 00:20:23,455
and dung beetles
and all that without me.
494
00:20:23,539 --> 00:20:25,259
Hell, in spite of me.
495
00:20:25,332 --> 00:20:27,722
And you know, maybe kids
aren't oysters.
496
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,927
Maybe kids are the pearls.
497
00:20:31,005 --> 00:20:32,465
Think about it.
498
00:20:32,548 --> 00:20:33,678
VANESSA:
♪ Said he is so real ♪
499
00:20:33,757 --> 00:20:37,557
♪ And I love the way ♪
500
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:40,856
♪ That he makes me feel ♪
501
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:45,650
♪ And if I am
a reflection of him ♪
502
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:48,782
♪ Then I must be fly ♪
503
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:52,536
♪ Because his light, it shines
so bright, I wouldn't lie... ♪
504
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:56,452
I take that back, America.
505
00:20:56,530 --> 00:20:58,460
That's not a pearl.
506
00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:00,082
That's a diamond.
507
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:02,499
A diamond in the rough.
508
00:21:02,578 --> 00:21:03,418
(singing continues)
509
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:05,205
Listen to that.
510
00:21:05,289 --> 00:21:09,099
♪ It's almost like I knewthis man from another life ♪
511
00:21:09,176 --> 00:21:10,976
I never knew that.
512
00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:13,967
♪ Maybe I was his husband,maybe he was my wife... ♪
513
00:21:14,048 --> 00:21:15,468
I never knew that.
514
00:21:15,549 --> 00:21:18,229
(singing continues)
515
00:21:18,302 --> 00:21:19,862
You go, girl.
516
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:28,912
Shoot.
517
00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:31,708
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
518
00:21:37,279 --> 00:21:38,369
(chuckling)
519
00:21:38,447 --> 00:21:39,957
Fresh.
520
00:21:43,452 --> 00:21:45,852
(laughter)
521
00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:51,931
MAN:
Yummy!
522
00:21:51,981 --> 00:21:56,531
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