All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s02e09 The Sweet Life.eng

America, Bernie Mac
is a connoisseur.

See, I've learned to appreciate
the finer things in life.

Like this cigar.

See, this is a Musashi--

the finest Indian cigar
money can buy

and I got eight more boxes
just aging in my humidor.

You know what?

I got a 30-year-old port
aging in my wine cellar

and somewhere in France

there's some cheese
aging in a goat

waiting for my imported cracker.

That's right, America,
Bernie Mac loves the good life

and you know what?

How sweet it is.

That's my boy, Jackie.

Jackie Gleason.

Bran flakes,
oat flakes...

Hey, baby,
where the good cereals?

The sweet lucky stuff,
where's that at?

They're up top
two inches past Jordan's reach.

Hey, baby, that's nice.

Real nice.

(shoulder cracks)
Oh!

Your shoulder acting up again,
old man?

"Old man" ain't got nothing
to do with it.

It's a boxing injury.

If you doled out
the type of punch

that this drill doled out

your shoulder
would be bothering you, too.

You really should see a doctor.

I saw Dr. Spellman
the other day.

Bernie, you went to
the Dodger game with him.

If he didn't think
I looked good

he would have said something.

Wanda, they take an oath.

You're 45 years old.

You should
be getting

regular physicals anyway.

Okay.

I'll meet you halfway.

Okay.

I'll get a massage.

By a licensed masseuse.

( chuckling)

( general conversation
and laughter)

Here you go.

Go ahead, baby, I'll...
ow, ow, ow.

Come on, Wanda.

What? They're
right here.

Reach for them.

Yeah, I get 'em.

( laughter)

Ha... ha-ha, ha.

First blood, baby,
first blood.

If you had a chronic
shoulder problem

wouldn't you go
to the doctor?

Stop, Wanda.

Yes, most definitely.

Bernie, you really should go
to the doctor.

Might be a whole mess
of things wrong with you, man.

They might even find some things
you don't even know about.

That's why I'm not going.

Exactly.
Look here, man.

Ain't nothing wrong with my boy.

Pound for pound, Bernie Mac

is the healthiest man
up in here.

And you know that.

I don't go
to the doctor.

Chuy, you
don't go

to the doctor because you don't
have any health insurance.

I don't need health insurance
'cause I don't go to the doctor.

( laughter)

Uh, Jerry, you're
his manager.

What do you think?

You know what, Wanda?
I'd really...

I'd prefer not to get
in the middle of this.

Thank you.
Don't be pulling him

into our business.

You just bring pork rinds
and leave.

Do your duty and go, baby.

But he's your client.

Isn't it in your
best interests

to make sure that
he's healthy?

Well, yes, that's...

You know what, Wanda?

I'm really not down
with doctors.

Now, see?

That being said, I know
of a really good doctor.

He's the doctor for the Lakers.

That sounds good, man,
that sounds good.

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Is this Shaq and Kobe's doctor

or are we talking
about

bench-warmer, second string,
straight garbage time

lucky-to-have-
a-ring

Samaki Walker doc?

Yeah, yeah-- Dr. Bombay.

Um, "A," calm down

and "B," he's the doctor
for the whole team.

Very well, you can go.

All right.

I'm going to go,
but to the Lakers' doctor

'cause this is a sports injury
anyway.

Now, you fine?

You satisfied?

Now, look what you started.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Thank you.

W-Wh-Where the hot sauce, Wanda?

It's walking away.

Yeah, Doc, you know, it hurts

right on the top of my shoulder

but, like, when I'm popping
a jab-- bam, bam-- it's okay.

But this roundhouse...

right there, man.

I can't get around like...
w-what you doing?

What you doing, I said?!

What you getting ready
to do?!

-Hmm.
-Hmm.

Bernie, I'm a little concerned
about more than your shoulder.

I'd like to do a few tests.

What type of tests?!

Well... all of them.

What?
Now, would you

uh, please
put this on?

Yeah, Doc,
I'm going to put it on

but w-what's happening?

Everything's going
to be all right. You're fine; you'll

Hey-ee!

Mr. Mac, you're
basically in good health.

Would you say
I'm in great athletic health?

Sure, uh, but...

Thank you, Doc.
I knew it, boy.

See, I told my wife Wanda
wasn't nothing wrong with me

but she thinks
something wrong with me.

Well, you do have
high cholesterol

which could lead to
heart attack and stroke.

What?

Heart attack and a stroke?!

America,
what kind of bull is this?

Looking at my cholesterol.

He's supposed to be looking
at my shoulder.

Damn doctors.

They always poking around
where they don't belong

and telling you things
you don't want to know.

If I want to hear
about a heart attack

I would have gone
to a heart attack doctor.

Well, no need to worry.

It can be controlled
entirely through diet and exercise.

Always looking
where you got no...

What about my shoulder?
Oh, that.

Well, you'll need
surgery at some point.

You'll know when.

Damn doctors.
Go to see a doctor...

Always looking where
you... If I came here about my shoulder.

Looking.

Hey, baby,
how'd it go?

How do you think
it went, Wanda?

I'm laying up
in the doctor's office

with a paper dress on
with my secret hanging out.

And I'ma tell you
something.

I didn't see
not one good Laker.

Only Laker I saw
was that Slavo Medvedenko.

Then no quack
sport doctor

going to tell me
I got high cholesterol.

Wanda, I hope you're happy.

Couldn't let me live
in my ignorance, could you?

You're a player hater,
that's all...

Ow!

Oh...

Now, come on.

Come on, let me love you.

Come on.

Let me love you.

Hug me.

Hug me.

My back hurt
a little bit, too, Wanda.

I know. I got you.

High cholesterol, America.

I'm talking about
the little "C."

They call it "the silent killer"

'cause it quietly accumulate
in your blood

clogging up all your arteries
until one day, pow, it kills you

and you never even know
you had it.

Oh, let me tell you,
it's terrible.

And the only worse thing
is when you do know you have it

'cause your busybody little wife

stuck her fat nose
in your business!

Thank you, baby!

I hope someday
I can return the favor!

I can't wait till she asks me
if the jeans are too tight.

I can't wait.

Huh.

Mmm.

Guilt.

You got to go sometime.

I might as well go full.

You know, Bernie

high cholesterol
is very manageable.

One of those pamphlets
even has a recipe

for low cholesterol
mac and cheese.

Don't care about no recipe.

I got my own.

It's Mac eating cheese.

Wanda

mine's different.

It's oat bran, honey.

Very healthy.

Wanda, don't tell me nothing
about no "healthy."

This here--

this, this mine, all mine.

This my business.

I'll run this.

Mm-hmm. And you "runs it"
to Royal Burger

every chance you get.

Oh...!

Aren't you afraid you're going
to keel over one day

with a hamburger in one hand

and a large French fry
in the other?

Baby, let it be written.

In the meantime,
I want my sausage and eggs.

There aren't any more.

Yeah?

Hey!

Hey, those are mine!
Back off, back off!

♪♪

♪ Baby, when I found
out you were lying ♪

♪ Playing around
and conniving ♪

♪ Undesired tears
I was crying ♪

♪ Cause sugar coated
lies I was buying ♪

♪ I was just a backseat
driver in a car of love ♪

♪ Going wherever
you take me ♪

♪ Don't know why I put
up with the pain ♪

♪ Cause nobody else
could make me ♪

Why don't you just
eat a whole pig?

When did you start caring?

I don't.

Aunt Wanda
told me to.

Uncle Bernie, are you trying
to have a stroke?

Did she say that?

She said
you were trying your best.

Get him, get him.

Get him, get...

Ah!

( pretending to sneeze)

You did that on purpose.

I didn't, I swear;
I'm allergic.

To what?

To fat people.

( chortling)

This is wrong.

This is wrong.

My family acting
like I'm one of those guys

you got to move with a crane
or bury in a piano crate.

I'm just a normal person

with perfectly normal
eating habits

just like everyone else.

When you're in your basement
relaxing, looking at movies

you got treats, and if...
oh, wrong side.

You got treats
and stuff like that.

It ain't no harm.

You want something,
you get your own.

Business side...

pleasure.

Bidness.

( oinking)

Oh, okay.

So, I'm a pig now.

Oink-oink, ha-ha. Okay.

We'll see who gets
slaughtered, though.

( chuckling)

♪ ♪

Smells good.

Hope you enjoy it.

You think I ain't?

Hey, big fella.

And I got cheese

inside the crust.

Come on, gang, dig in.

What's wrong with y'all?

You know, I'm not really feeling
like pizza tonight.

What?
Yeah.

Maybe we could just have
a nice salad

with some
light dressing.

No, I like mine dry.

Yeah, man,
and you know

for dessert,
you know

we could, like, have
some carrot sticks

and some raisins.

( everybody agreeing)

Man, what the hell
y'all talking about...?

Wanda got to y'all, didn't she?

No one got to us.
We love carrot sticks.

Oh, yeah-- "C" sticks?
They're off-the-heezy.

Fo' cheesy.

Y'all a bunch
of Benedict Arnolds, man.

Y'all selling me
right down the river.

Hey, man, look, man,
now, Bernie

now, you know
you ain't supposed

to be eating
this kind of stuff, man.

Big fella, I know
you ain't judging me.

See, you're just lashing out.

You know,
anger is a sign

that you have a problem.

Problem.

Big fella, dig this here.

Man, you tight as bad drawers.

But if you don't
give me back my pizza

we're going to have
a discrepancy.

That's some lashing out, man.

Did you see that, America?

You all saw what she did.

She went behind my back
and ruined my poker game.

She even got to my best man,
my big fella.

Now all my homeboys are turning
their back on me because of her.

I'm going to tell y'all
a little secret, America.

Two years ago, Wanda was getting
a little hippy.

I didn't say nothing.

I just respected her fat ass.

I didn't run over to the office
to tell her coworkers

to hide the Krispy Kremes.

Well, now I'm telling everybody.

It's out now.

'Cause Bernie Mac is mad.

Talking about carrot sticks.

People need
to mind their business.

♪ ♪

(foot steps)

♪ ♪

( crunching)

Hey, hey. Hey, baby.

You want a French fry?

That's it.

I give up.

What y'all looking at?

Can't a man eat in peace?

Cut the camera off.

♪ ♪

MAN:
Hey!

Hey, what are you doing
in my trash?

Go shopping someplace else.

What's the matter with you?

Hey, Don.
Why don't you get your own trash?

What are you doing in my trash?

I'm just throwing away
a little trash, Don.

That's, that's all.

Yeah, well, why don't
you use your own trash?

The truth is, Don,
I've got a bunch of busybodies over there.

They bugging me about
my high cholesterol.

I don't want
to give them no ammo.

Oh, you got the high
cholesterol problem.

Yup.

You know, that's a,
that's a silent killer.

I got it, too.

What?

-Yeah, yeah.
-No kidding?

Yeah, I do. I got.

Wow. What do
you do about it?

-Nothing.
-What?

Bernie, you know what the
biggest killer in America is?

-No.
-Stress.

Yeah.

Some people think
it's a bullet, you know

but I don't like to get in
specific ethnic groups.

There's no place
in my life

for stress.

I mean, life is too short.

I only think of happy things
and I deny myself nothing.

But on
the other hand

you got to
loosen up, Bernie.

You got to loosen up.

I noticed
another thing, too.

Your shoulders. You're always
tightness in the shoulders.

When you walk

you look like a fist.

I mean, I don't know
what it is with you

but, uh, I look at you
and I need a massage.

Oh, stop it.

Yeah, man.

You're,
you're in bad shape.

I'm a friend.
Get a checkup. Ooh.

Walk away,
you need help.

Thank you.

This guy isn't going to live
for another week. Tops.

A week, he gone, it's over.

Did you hear that, America?

That guy made good sense.

I mean, 75 years old
and still going strong.

That's living proof
his theory still works.

See, you bring down the stress

you bring down
the blood pressure.

Well, America, that's it.

I'm going to tell Wanda.

Now who can reject
that kind of wisdom, huh?

WANDA: So, you're just
going to give up

on everything
the doctor told you to do?

The hell with that doctor.

He's a sports doctor anyway.

He could even fix the click
in my arm.

Listen.

( no noise)

Well, it'll come back.

He can't fix,
he ain't fixed it.

You're pathetic, Bernie.

Pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

That's a stress-inducing thing
to say to somebody.

But I'm going
to walk it off.

You know why?

For you, Wanda.

'Cause I love you.
That's right.

I want to live.

See, I don't want to spend
the rest of my life...

People popping every day.

You read the paper,
you hear it on the news.

Pop go the weasel,
to the weasel go pop.

But you take
a look at me.

See this?

That's my back.

And my ass.

That's the last thing
you'll see.

Pretty sweet, huh, America?

Now, see, she the one that
told me to go to the doctor.

Now, how could she get made at
me if I got a second opinion?

Now I got a good thing going.

No stress, no mess.

I really
should thank Don for this.

( doorbell chimes)

Hey, Don.

Interested in 20 years?

Oh, what about
the high cholesterol?

You're starting
to stress me out, Don.

Oh, I wouldn't want
to do that.

I'll get the tumblers.

Good. I want to hear
some stories.

♪♪

I don't feel too good.

The lox and the pizza
don't agree with me, Don.

Well, you knew it was
going to be a long shot.

Look at this.

Don, it's going on 9:00
on a Friday night.

You know, I'd be playing poker
right now with the boys

had Wanda not turned them into
a bunch of AL sevens?

I don't know what that means

but if you want to play poker,
I'll call my fellas.

(laughing)

(coughing)

You're nobody.

(coughing)

Turn up the oxygen,
put out the cigar.

Old buzz kill's

got to breath.

Screw...

(wheezes)

...you.

(laughing)

Uh, Don, I'm serious,
is he going to be all right?

Yeah.

But he's not.

Frank?

Frank?

Frank!

Oh, Lord!

Wow, Don...

I really liked
Frank, man.

He was a good man.

Yeah, Frank was
a good fella.

He was falling apart.

He used to take
36 pills a day.

Could you imagine,
36 pills a day?

Wow, 36, huh?

Seems like he was
taking care of himself to me.

Yeah, but he was only
supposed to take three pills.

Oh.

Had no short-term memory.
That's what killed him.

Yeah, nobody
to look after him.

Nobody to help him remember.

That's, that's the way it goes.

Look at you, Don.

You're all alone.

You take good care of yourself,
you look good.

I'm taking
care of myself

but, you know, if you were
living with a woman for 60 years

who was always nagging you...

Mm.

I mean,
it's like

she made good health
a bad habit.

Oh, it was
murder with this woman.

Couldn't drink, couldn't smoke

couldn't
do anything.

Boy, I,

I tell you, I...

I miss her.

Yeah.

I miss her.

Hmm. Can you believe it?

Sweetheart.

Hey, baby.

I'll see you soon.

I love you.

How about that Don?

You know, he's even wiser
than I thought.

You know what, America?

They say if you don't have your
health you ain't got nothing.

But the truth is,
you ain't got nothing

if you don't have no one
to worry about your health.

And I got that.

Hi, honey.

Hey, baby.

Wow...

Sorry about
your friend, baby.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I want to say
I'm sorry to you, too.

Oh?

Wanda, I realize you've been
doing everything for me.

And I want you to know
I really appreciate it.

Even though
I don't like the food.

(chuckles)

But, you know, the last
thing I want to do

is to be facedown in a plate
of nachos before my time.

You mean it, honey?

Do I mean it?

You watch me.

I'm going to do harder.

Give me one
of them pamphlets.

Let me see.

So I was reading and they
have a recipe in here

for low cholesterol
chocolate cake.

Don't taste bad, huh?

I don't think so,

because all they're doing
is substituting the sugar

for, um, honey
and apple sauce.

And we can do a little
few test cakes

and see what happens.

I love you.

Love you, too,
honey.

WANDA:
Okay, presweetened

buckwheat pancake.

You don't need you
syrup or butter.

All natural.

This looks really delicious.

BERNIE:
Yeah.

You really going
to eat this stuff?

I'll get the syrup
when she leaves.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

(chuckling)

Buckwheat, huh?

Yes, honey.

And I threw
the syrup out.

Fine.

Where did you throw
it out at, baby?

Baby.

Sweetheart, I'll...
I'll see you soon.

You count on it.

I'm going to be
with her, Bernie. Stand back.

I'm going to be
with her, baby. Stand back.

I'm with you, honey.

We'll even sleep
in the same bed.

What a treat.

God bless, babe.

I'll be with her, Bernie.

Stand back.

In the meantime, why
don't you and I go out

and look for some broads?

Let's move on.

Okay.

So long.

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