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1
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♪♪
2
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America, Bernie Mac
just got taken for a fool.
3
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I mean, there I was
driving the kids to school,
4
00:00:24,216 --> 00:00:27,346
minding my own business,
when out of nowhere-- bam, bam!
5
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:29,187
I got cornered
by these two women.
6
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:31,522
I call them
hustlers in minivans--
7
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:32,618
that's what they were.
8
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:33,859
Tell me they gon' cut me in
9
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:35,534
on a great deal
called a carpool.
10
00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:38,902
Instead of me driving the kids
to school five days a week,
11
00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:41,160
I only got to drive them two.
12
00:00:41,233 --> 00:00:43,173
Sound like a good deal, right?
13
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,123
Yeah, a deal with the devil.
14
00:00:45,195 --> 00:00:48,205
Yeah. A deal with the devil!
15
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:51,291
Nasty little ankle-biters
messing up my doggone car.
16
00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:52,998
There ought to be a law.
17
00:00:53,078 --> 00:00:57,058
America, it ain't right.
(sobbing)
18
00:01:00,085 --> 00:01:02,715
El Medio, El Medio.
19
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,436
Where in the hell...?
20
00:01:04,515 --> 00:01:08,135
Jordan, Jordan, other kid--
pay attention, now, come on.
21
00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:10,688
It's right over...
Ugh! You bakin' air muffins...
22
00:01:10,762 --> 00:01:13,062
Don't touch me.
It smells like eggs! ( groaning)
23
00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:14,020
I did not.
24
00:01:14,099 --> 00:01:15,069
Yes, it does.
He who smelt it...
25
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,142
( groaning)
26
00:01:16,218 --> 00:01:18,448
Okay, okay, Jor...
Jordan, Jordan!
27
00:01:18,529 --> 00:01:19,869
Don't think I can't
warm your behind
28
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,147
and drive at the same time.
29
00:01:21,231 --> 00:01:23,051
That's why I got automatic.
30
00:01:22,625 --> 00:01:25,445
You all too doggone young
to have that type of scent.
31
00:01:25,527 --> 00:01:27,237
Now, look here,
where's Steven house?
32
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,250
You passed it.
It's the yellow one with... (fart noises)
33
00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:31,632
Ugh! You did it again,
you nasty creep!
34
00:01:31,708 --> 00:01:33,998
Okay, all right,
all right, all right.
35
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,541
You want to play, right?
36
00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:39,050
You-you think you can hang
with the big boys, huh?
37
00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:40,074
Y'all think you can hang
with the big boys?
38
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,421
See how you
like the smell
39
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,391
of Bernie...
Bernie Mac in the morning.
40
00:01:44,462 --> 00:01:46,472
Yeah. Get a whiff
of that aroma.
41
00:01:46,548 --> 00:01:47,718
( coughing)
42
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:48,853
Ugh!
43
00:01:48,925 --> 00:01:51,225
Oh.
44
00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:53,017
Hi. I'm so sorry.
45
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,020
It's a zoo in here.
46
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,862
Steven, hurry up!
47
00:01:57,934 --> 00:01:59,484
Hi. (chuckles)
You must be Bernie.
48
00:01:59,561 --> 00:02:01,821
I'm Betty.
Pleased to meet you.
49
00:02:01,897 --> 00:02:06,197
It's a pleasure.
I am so glad you're doing the carpooling with us.
50
00:02:06,276 --> 00:02:10,446
Uh... Steven, you
got five seconds!
51
00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:11,760
(chuckling)
52
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,632
Ouch!
(baby whimpers)
53
00:02:26,138 --> 00:02:27,148
(horn honks)
54
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,442
Come on, kid.
We got 20 minutes.
55
00:02:33,511 --> 00:02:35,491
No nerds on this side.
Other side.
56
00:02:39,484 --> 00:02:41,614
Sorry, fatty,
other side.
57
00:02:41,686 --> 00:02:42,616
Let him in.
58
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:46,914
This side's
broken. Look. (snickers)
59
00:02:46,983 --> 00:02:48,173
Stop playing. Let him in now.
60
00:02:51,863 --> 00:02:52,673
Sorry.
61
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:57,134
How come nobody told me
it's gon' be like this?
62
00:02:57,202 --> 00:02:58,962
Y'all should have stopped me.
63
00:02:59,037 --> 00:03:02,417
Those some bad kids, America,
and I mean bad kids.
64
00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:04,419
I can't do this
a whole school year.
65
00:03:04,501 --> 00:03:06,641
Uh-uh.
Things about to change, America.
66
00:03:06,711 --> 00:03:08,931
Those kids are going to learn
about carpooling
67
00:03:09,005 --> 00:03:10,605
Bernie Mac-style.
68
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,820
I mean, they gon' get
a little driver education.
69
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,194
(smug chuckle)
70
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:19,612
Yeah, breaking wind and... okay.
71
00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:20,493
(honking horn)
72
00:03:25,355 --> 00:03:27,605
BERNIE:
Y'all in? I want y'all to listen up
73
00:03:27,691 --> 00:03:29,451
'cause here's how
it's gonna be.
74
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,740
There'll be no breaking
wind up in this car.
75
00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:36,501
Only gas that I want to
smell will be unleaded. Okay?
76
00:03:36,574 --> 00:03:40,134
I want you in here.
I want your butt seated, buckled.
77
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:43,047
I want you clenched
and quiet.
78
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,513
Now, rule number two.
79
00:03:44,582 --> 00:03:47,342
Bernie Mac will not
be kept waiting.
80
00:03:47,419 --> 00:03:50,149
My time is precious.
81
00:03:50,222 --> 00:03:53,102
You understand that?
You got 15 seconds.
82
00:03:53,174 --> 00:03:55,064
I want you ready
before I pull up,
83
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,185
and then you'll get
one courtesy beep.
84
00:03:57,262 --> 00:03:58,272
It sound like this.
85
00:03:58,346 --> 00:03:59,356
(honks horn)
86
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:00,809
After that, you got
87
00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:02,160
15 seconds-- not 16,
88
00:04:02,234 --> 00:04:03,734
not 17.
89
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,570
Let me break it down
like a fraction.
90
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:08,235
Okay, I don't care
if Halle Berry
91
00:04:08,315 --> 00:04:09,655
is loaded on wine coolers
92
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:11,487
and she's wearing
her Oscar dress.
93
00:04:11,568 --> 00:04:14,788
You better get her out here
in 15 seconds.
94
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:19,673
If not, you all both
gon' be a sweet picture in my rear view mirror.
95
00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:20,827
You understand?
96
00:04:20,903 --> 00:04:23,933
How many beeps?
Just one, blubber-butt.
97
00:04:24,006 --> 00:04:26,416
Just one, Kevin.
98
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:30,549
Now, for the entire ride,
I want complete silence, okay?
99
00:04:30,628 --> 00:04:33,428
Only thing I want to hear
is "Thank you, Mr. Mac,"
100
00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:35,266
and that's only
when I'm slowing down
101
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:37,102
and I'm getting ready
to shove y'all out.
102
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:38,227
You can't do that.
103
00:04:38,303 --> 00:04:39,773
Who said I can't do it?
104
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:40,836
My dad's a lawyer.
105
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:41,944
He'll sue
your pants off.
106
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,015
Keep on talking.
107
00:04:43,099 --> 00:04:44,519
Keep on talking.
108
00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:46,481
You'll wish your pappy
was a orthodontist.
109
00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:47,991
Okay?
110
00:04:48,063 --> 00:04:50,453
Now, you write that
down in your notebook.
111
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:52,123
All right, from here
on in, shut up!
112
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:55,082
There!
Now, let's do some carpooling.
113
00:04:55,153 --> 00:04:56,373
(chuckling softly)
114
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:57,253
"My daddy's a lawyer."
Who gives a...?
115
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♪ Keep on runnin' ♪
116
00:05:01,242 --> 00:05:05,052
♪ Keep on runnin'from my love ♪
117
00:05:05,121 --> 00:05:06,461
♪ Keep on runnin' ♪
118
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,589
♪ Yeah ♪
119
00:05:08,666 --> 00:05:11,936
♪ Keep on runnin'from my love ♪
120
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:15,682
♪ Some folks think that you'rereally, really fine ♪
121
00:05:15,757 --> 00:05:18,637
♪ All you wanna beis just a friend of mine ♪
122
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,938
♪ But I know ♪
(horn honks)
123
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:24,441
(watch beeps)
♪ Man you're with's gonna break your heart ♪
124
00:05:24,516 --> 00:05:27,896
♪ And you'll be sadreal soon ♪
125
00:05:27,977 --> 00:05:29,077
♪ Yeah ♪
126
00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:30,044
(watch beeps)
Wait, wait!
127
00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:34,673
♪ Keep on runnin' ♪
128
00:05:36,444 --> 00:05:37,704
♪ Keep on runnin' ♪
129
00:05:37,779 --> 00:05:39,159
♪ From my love ♪Wait!
130
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:41,089
-Steven, wait! Don't!
-Hurry up!
131
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:44,576
(kids yelling)
Come on! Come on!
132
00:05:44,661 --> 00:05:46,841
(thud)
♪ Keep on runnin' from my love
133
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:50,683
♪ Some folks say that you'rereally, really fine ♪
134
00:05:50,759 --> 00:05:53,929
♪ Well all you wanna beis just a friend of mine ♪
135
00:05:54,003 --> 00:05:56,433
♪ But I know ♪
136
00:05:56,506 --> 00:05:58,476
♪ I'm gonna get you ♪
137
00:06:00,135 --> 00:06:06,305
♪ Real soon ♪
138
00:06:06,391 --> 00:06:08,271
ALL:
Thank you, Mr. Mac.
139
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,065
Now, what time this afternoon?
140
00:06:10,145 --> 00:06:11,855
ALL:
2:35.
141
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:17,078
All right, gang, let's
synchronize our watches.
142
00:06:17,152 --> 00:06:20,042
I don't have a watch.
143
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,913
That boy's a little challenge.
144
00:06:21,990 --> 00:06:23,330
But he's a good kid.
145
00:06:23,408 --> 00:06:24,838
They're all good kids.
146
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,248
They just need the fear of Mac
put in them.
147
00:06:27,328 --> 00:06:29,168
'Cause, see,
kids respond to strength.
148
00:06:29,247 --> 00:06:30,417
They look for that in a leader.
149
00:06:30,498 --> 00:06:31,918
I mean, no offense, America,
150
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,840
but, see,
most of these carpool drivers
151
00:06:33,918 --> 00:06:36,468
are the weak soccer moms
and those softball dads.
152
00:06:36,546 --> 00:06:38,216
Y'all know
what I'm talking about.
153
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,218
But America, don't be weak.
154
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,070
Get your kids synchronized.
155
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:44,902
♪ People ♪
156
00:06:46,598 --> 00:06:49,898
♪ Keep on learnin' ♪
157
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:52,786
Doesn't make no sense
to synchronize our watches... (mutters)
158
00:06:54,606 --> 00:06:57,666
♪ Keep on warrin' ♪
(Jordan snickering)
159
00:06:59,068 --> 00:07:00,658
♪ World ♪
160
00:07:00,737 --> 00:07:05,707
(grunting)
♪ Keep on turnin' ♪
161
00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,997
♪ Because itwon't be too long ♪
162
00:07:08,077 --> 00:07:09,457
Come here.
Apologize.
163
00:07:09,537 --> 00:07:10,957
Sorry.
Not you.
164
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:12,299
You.
I'm sorry.
165
00:07:12,373 --> 00:07:13,343
Say it again.
Sorry.
166
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:14,416
Give it back to him.
167
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:15,431
You come on with me.
168
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:16,626
Ow, my neck! Ow!
169
00:07:16,711 --> 00:07:17,441
Shut up.
170
00:07:17,512 --> 00:07:18,472
That's a
pressure point.
171
00:07:18,546 --> 00:07:19,716
(yelling)
Please, no.
172
00:07:19,797 --> 00:07:21,677
(chuckling):
He's sorry.
173
00:07:21,758 --> 00:07:24,068
Yeah, but not as sorry
as he's gonna be.
174
00:07:28,681 --> 00:07:31,691
America, Jordan picking
on somebody?
175
00:07:31,768 --> 00:07:34,188
Who in the hell
does he think he is?
176
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,644
Well, it seems to me
177
00:07:35,581 --> 00:07:37,571
that he finally found someone
weaker than he is
178
00:07:37,649 --> 00:07:39,329
and got a little taste of power.
179
00:07:39,409 --> 00:07:42,369
And America, we all know
that power corrupts
180
00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:43,995
but not no more.
181
00:07:44,072 --> 00:07:46,792
From now on, Jordan's going
to be nice to that boy
182
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,166
and in fact,
he's gonna be friends.
183
00:07:49,244 --> 00:07:50,844
Best friends.
184
00:07:50,912 --> 00:07:51,792
(nasal laugh)
185
00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:52,961
Yeah, okay?
186
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,089
We'll see.
187
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,169
(doorbell rings)
188
00:07:56,251 --> 00:07:57,731
BERNIE: Hey, Kevin,
come on in.
189
00:07:58,803 --> 00:08:00,473
Well, I'm so glad
you could make it.
190
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:03,721
Hey, Jordan,
your friend Kevin's here.
191
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:05,904
Jordan's really excited
that you come.
192
00:08:05,977 --> 00:08:07,307
Oh, well, here he is.
193
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,517
Hey, Jordan, your friend Kevin.
194
00:08:09,597 --> 00:08:11,187
Both of us--
we so glad you could make it.
195
00:08:11,266 --> 00:08:12,356
Aren't we, Jordan?
196
00:08:12,433 --> 00:08:13,993
Come on in. Hey.
197
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,946
If you touch it again,
I will kill you!
198
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:21,163
You should have used
the gum-based epoxy.
199
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,914
Just don't touch anything.
200
00:08:23,987 --> 00:08:25,997
Well, what do you
want to do, then?
201
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,251
All right, who wants
some milk and cookies?
202
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,580
Kevin? Jordan,
why y'all not playing?
203
00:08:31,661 --> 00:08:32,961
I don't got anything to do.
204
00:08:33,037 --> 00:08:34,997
What do you mean,
you ain't got nothing to do?
205
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:36,091
Show him a magic trick.
206
00:08:36,165 --> 00:08:37,375
Kevin, you like magic?
207
00:08:37,458 --> 00:08:38,878
Yeah.
Well, good. Show him a magic trick.
208
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,720
Show him the one,
you chop your finger off.
209
00:08:40,795 --> 00:08:41,715
(groans)
210
00:08:41,796 --> 00:08:43,216
What you--
211
00:08:43,298 --> 00:08:44,208
I'll show it to you, Kevin.
212
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,391
What...? Here it is.
213
00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:47,427
(sighs)
Now, watch this, Kevin.
214
00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:48,940
Watch this.
215
00:08:49,012 --> 00:08:50,532
Okay, slide in
something like that.
216
00:08:50,605 --> 00:08:52,935
Put this in there, and voilà!
217
00:08:53,016 --> 00:08:54,146
Don't break it.
218
00:08:54,225 --> 00:08:55,815
I'm not gonna break it.
I know what I'm doing.
219
00:08:55,893 --> 00:08:57,163
Good. Now put
your finger in there.
220
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:58,607
I'm scared.
221
00:08:58,688 --> 00:09:00,538
Come on, I'm just gonna
chop your finger off.
222
00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:01,785
Put it in there.
All right, don't be scared.
223
00:09:01,866 --> 00:09:04,286
Look, you put your finger
in there, and bam!
224
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:06,739
(screaming)
225
00:09:06,821 --> 00:09:08,291
Look at that.
Ke... uh, Kevin, Kevin.
226
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:09,624
It's a toy.
227
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:10,959
See, I got all
my fingers.
228
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:11,934
Look, look.
229
00:09:12,002 --> 00:09:13,182
(screaming)
230
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:16,503
(laughs)
I hate him.
231
00:09:16,581 --> 00:09:17,721
Don't say that.
Don't say that. (chuckles)
232
00:09:19,042 --> 00:09:21,432
Okay, America,
between you and me,
233
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,296
that Kevin's strange.
234
00:09:23,379 --> 00:09:24,599
I'm talking circus strange.
235
00:09:24,672 --> 00:09:26,222
But I don't mean
he should be picked on.
236
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,519
No, no.
237
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,311
See, Jordan's got to learn.
238
00:09:29,385 --> 00:09:30,975
You got to do right by people.
239
00:09:31,054 --> 00:09:32,314
Even circus people.
240
00:09:32,388 --> 00:09:33,348
(doorbell rings)
241
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:34,935
BOTH:
Hi!
242
00:09:35,016 --> 00:09:36,316
Ted Ross.
243
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:37,361
We-we talked
on the phone.
244
00:09:37,435 --> 00:09:38,435
This is my boss, Pat.
245
00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:40,489
Hi, Pat.
Hi.
246
00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:42,333
Thank you so much
for having Kevin over.
247
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:43,707
You boys have a good time?
248
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,663
You're late. Take him.
249
00:09:45,735 --> 00:09:47,145
Uh... uh, we, uh...
we was just
250
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,119
getting ready to invite Kevin
over for dinner.
251
00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:51,631
(gasps)
How would you all like to join us?
252
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:52,948
That sounds great.
253
00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:54,625
Yeah, we-we don't
have any plans.
254
00:09:54,702 --> 00:09:56,842
Good, good. I'll just
tell Wanda to prepare for three.
255
00:09:56,913 --> 00:09:58,303
Hey, I hope you like meat loaf.
256
00:09:58,373 --> 00:09:59,473
TED:
Oh, yeah, yeah.
257
00:09:59,549 --> 00:10:00,509
No potatoes, though.
258
00:10:00,583 --> 00:10:01,673
I'm on the Zone.
259
00:10:01,751 --> 00:10:04,801
16 pounds
in six months.
260
00:10:04,879 --> 00:10:06,099
(chuckles)
261
00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,274
(sighs)
Meat loaf's so exotic.
262
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,175
(laughs)
263
00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:11,479
You keep it up
264
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:12,846
and I'm telling you
right now
265
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,613
he gonna be here 24/7,
all right?
266
00:10:14,689 --> 00:10:16,229
You gonna find yourself
with a new brother.
267
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,231
Now you keep it up.
268
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:18,532
(groans)
269
00:10:22,605 --> 00:10:23,495
TED:
The mistake most people make
270
00:10:23,573 --> 00:10:25,533
on the Zone is with corn.
271
00:10:25,608 --> 00:10:27,028
They think it's a vegetable.
272
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:28,530
It's not.
273
00:10:28,611 --> 00:10:31,371
It's a carbohydrate,
and that's bad news.
274
00:10:31,447 --> 00:10:35,007
Yeah, I've been corn-free
for... how long now, honey?
275
00:10:35,085 --> 00:10:36,245
Four months.
276
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:37,457
Yeah.
277
00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:38,877
Hmm.
278
00:10:38,955 --> 00:10:40,635
That's nice.
279
00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:43,085
You still crave it at times,
believe me.
280
00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:45,517
What I wouldn't do
for a piece of cornbread.
281
00:10:45,595 --> 00:10:48,005
(laughing)
282
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,563
Ah.
283
00:10:49,632 --> 00:10:50,972
That's a nice shirt, Bernie.
284
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:53,060
Looks expensive.
285
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,190
Guess how much mine was?
286
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:55,272
Uh, I-I don't...
287
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,910
I don't do that.
Go ahead.
288
00:10:56,981 --> 00:10:59,111
Come on, guess,
guess, guess.
289
00:10:59,183 --> 00:11:00,613
It's not my style.
290
00:11:00,685 --> 00:11:01,865
It's okay. Come on, guess.
291
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,032
Uh, seven dollars?
292
00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:08,367
Try 75 cents.
293
00:11:08,443 --> 00:11:10,283
Flea market.
294
00:11:10,361 --> 00:11:11,241
Pat and I--
we are quite
295
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,420
the little
bargain hunters.
296
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:13,657
(Wanda laughing)
297
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,420
Every weekend
we're out there.
298
00:11:15,491 --> 00:11:17,421
(gasps) You should
come with us.
299
00:11:17,493 --> 00:11:19,293
BERNIE:
My God, he's boring!
300
00:11:19,370 --> 00:11:21,670
I mean, he got nothing to say.
301
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:23,918
No wonder Kevin's such a nerd.
302
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,090
He never stood a chance.
303
00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:28,299
I just got stuckin the carpool.
304
00:11:28,379 --> 00:11:29,929
Poor Kevin.
305
00:11:30,006 --> 00:11:31,476
He got stuck in the gene pool.
306
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:32,468
TED: They got ceiling lamps.
They got...
307
00:11:32,550 --> 00:11:34,930
This is some bull.
308
00:11:35,011 --> 00:11:36,771
...desk lamps,
bedroom lamps.
309
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,690
We found a table
just like this
310
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:40,435
except it's Formica
with metal legs
311
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,740
for $28.
312
00:11:41,818 --> 00:11:43,188
Saw the same
thing at Levitz--
313
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,569
$200.
314
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,360
Uh, yeah, I think
we did all right.
315
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:51,704
(laughing)
316
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:54,118
You know, I've been looking
for some Adirondack chairs
317
00:11:54,197 --> 00:11:56,617
and I heard you can get 'em
cheap at the swap meet.
318
00:11:56,699 --> 00:11:58,619
When's the next one?
319
00:11:58,701 --> 00:12:00,921
PAT:
Next Sunday, 6:30 sharp.
320
00:12:00,995 --> 00:12:02,455
But you got
to get there early
321
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,092
because all the sharks
will show up.
322
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,209
(laughing)
323
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,351
The sharks.
324
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,546
(groaning)
325
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,177
(laughing)
326
00:12:09,253 --> 00:12:10,553
You know what?
327
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,100
Bernie, we're free.
Let's do it.
328
00:12:12,173 --> 00:12:15,183
Um, baby, I don't
want to impose on their time.
329
00:12:15,259 --> 00:12:16,389
TED:
Oh, no, no, no.
330
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,359
Our boys are best friends now.
331
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:19,808
That makes us pals, too.
332
00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:21,319
Those are the rules.
333
00:12:23,684 --> 00:12:24,724
Rules?
334
00:12:24,794 --> 00:12:26,494
Like hell those
are the rules.
335
00:12:26,562 --> 00:12:28,452
These people need
to eat and run.
336
00:12:28,523 --> 00:12:29,783
I don't want to be his friend.
337
00:12:29,857 --> 00:12:31,157
Listen, America.
338
00:12:31,234 --> 00:12:32,484
Listen how boring he is.
339
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:33,992
TED:
And, uh, I'm not allowedto have a dog.
340
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,294
No. Not sincethe accident.
341
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,893
WANDA:
Okay.
342
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:40,294
TED:
Yeah. I... bit a dog,and he bit me back.
343
00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:41,878
WANDA:
Oh?
344
00:12:41,953 --> 00:12:43,843
(sighs)
I have to putointment on every day.
345
00:12:43,913 --> 00:12:45,643
Man's best friend
don't even like him.
346
00:12:45,715 --> 00:12:47,125
TED:
Oh, I-I foundso many things.
347
00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:48,588
I found a wall.
348
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,508
Just a wall, sitting right outin the middle of that--
349
00:12:50,586 --> 00:12:51,676
and we needed a wall.
350
00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:53,444
I hate him.
351
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:10,746
(snoring)
352
00:13:17,613 --> 00:13:19,583
(quietly):
Okay, yeah.
353
00:13:19,657 --> 00:13:21,457
Uncle Bernie, shh!
354
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,134
Well, that's okay.
355
00:13:23,202 --> 00:13:25,342
There you go.
356
00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:26,923
Thanks, Uncle Bernie.
357
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:29,182
It's all right, big fella.
358
00:13:55,192 --> 00:13:58,582
(laughing)
359
00:13:58,654 --> 00:14:00,834
Beat it, nerd.
360
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:03,371
So, Jordan, what time should I
come over to your house today?
361
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:06,391
Well, I don't know
what you're talking about, dork.
362
00:14:08,623 --> 00:14:10,053
Look what you made me do.
363
00:14:10,124 --> 00:14:11,224
Sorry.
364
00:14:13,428 --> 00:14:14,718
What are you
doing here?
365
00:14:14,795 --> 00:14:17,215
You know this's
a no-nerds table.
366
00:14:17,298 --> 00:14:18,758
Yeah, I know.
367
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:19,773
And I also know
what you did last night.
368
00:14:19,842 --> 00:14:21,262
(nervous laughter)
369
00:14:21,336 --> 00:14:23,016
I don't know what
you're talking about.
370
00:14:23,095 --> 00:14:25,185
Don't worry.
I won't tell anyone.
371
00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:26,314
You better not.
372
00:14:26,390 --> 00:14:27,940
Under one condition.
373
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:31,527
As of today, you're
my best friend.
374
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:33,954
Okay, okay,
you can come over.
375
00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:38,333
Mm-mm. At school
best friend.
376
00:14:38,402 --> 00:14:40,962
No...
(whimpers)
377
00:14:44,125 --> 00:14:45,325
Coming, Jordan?
378
00:14:45,409 --> 00:14:46,709
(groans)
379
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,510
Oh, my God.
380
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,248
I knew
he was a nerd.
381
00:14:50,331 --> 00:14:51,421
(groans)
382
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:55,259
85, 90...
383
00:14:55,336 --> 00:14:56,716
95...
384
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:59,096
and a dollar.
385
00:14:59,173 --> 00:15:01,523
And I'll raise you
a dollar.
386
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:05,936
Five, ten... oops,
I dropped one.
387
00:15:06,013 --> 00:15:08,943
15... whoa, that's a button.
388
00:15:09,016 --> 00:15:10,076
(chuckles)
How'd that get in there?
389
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,689
Okay, I better start over.
390
00:15:11,769 --> 00:15:12,779
Here we go.
391
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:15,857
5, 10, 15...
392
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:17,780
That's
a buffalo nickel.
393
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,052
Look at that.
It's a buffalo nickel.
394
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,616
You know where the buffalos
first came from?
395
00:15:21,696 --> 00:15:22,656
The buffalo nickels?
396
00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:23,868
Buffalo, New York.
397
00:15:23,948 --> 00:15:25,458
That's why they call
them "buffalo nickels."
398
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:27,423
Longest night of my life.
399
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:30,593
Three hours
and we only played six hands.
400
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,847
I got to cut this guy loose.
401
00:15:34,709 --> 00:15:37,129
America, you know what?
402
00:15:37,211 --> 00:15:39,221
Jordan learned his lesson.
403
00:15:39,296 --> 00:15:41,856
He don't have to be friends
with that boy anymore.
404
00:15:41,933 --> 00:15:43,273
You're doggone right.
405
00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:45,312
He don't even
like the damn kid.
406
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,810
Now all I need to do...
407
00:15:46,888 --> 00:15:48,728
I got to get him
to break up with Fatty
408
00:15:48,806 --> 00:15:50,106
so I can dump his daddy.
409
00:15:50,191 --> 00:15:51,731
KEVIN:
What are you saying?
410
00:15:51,809 --> 00:15:53,149
Twister's great
with two people.
411
00:15:53,227 --> 00:15:54,647
I play with one
all the time.
412
00:15:54,729 --> 00:15:55,949
I'll go set up
the mat.
413
00:15:56,030 --> 00:15:57,200
BERNIE: Hey, Kevin.
414
00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:58,527
Hey, Jordan.
415
00:15:58,608 --> 00:16:00,278
I see you got your
friend Kevin with you.
416
00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:01,619
That's real nice.
417
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:02,954
Come here.
Oh!
418
00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:04,503
Now I want you
to get rid of him.
419
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:05,592
What?
420
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:06,585
You heard what I said.
421
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:07,896
I want you to get rid of him.
422
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,302
You don't have
to be his friend.
423
00:16:09,377 --> 00:16:10,587
You learned your lesson.
424
00:16:10,661 --> 00:16:12,001
And Uncle Bernie
is so proud of you.
425
00:16:12,079 --> 00:16:13,419
Now kick him to the curb.
426
00:16:13,497 --> 00:16:14,657
Um, that's okay.
427
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,761
He's kind of my friend now.
428
00:16:16,834 --> 00:16:18,434
What? Jordan, are you telling me
429
00:16:18,502 --> 00:16:19,512
you want to be his friend?
430
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:20,507
You like this kid?
431
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,428
Our relationship
432
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:23,887
is a little more complicated
than that, Uncle Bernie.
433
00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:25,106
KEVIN:
Jordan?
434
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,015
Uh, Uncle Bernie,
I got to go.
435
00:16:27,094 --> 00:16:28,484
He doesn't like when
I keep him waiting.
436
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,444
Coming, Kevin.
437
00:16:30,514 --> 00:16:31,864
Coming.
438
00:16:31,932 --> 00:16:33,862
That...
439
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:35,944
This is some bull.
440
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:37,530
I don't understand.
441
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:39,235
They're friends now.
442
00:16:39,315 --> 00:16:40,815
Oh, Lord.
443
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,870
All right. Oh, well.
444
00:16:43,944 --> 00:16:46,204
I might as well
get used to it.
445
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,500
I made this bed, I might as well
let Jordan pee in it, huh?
446
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:49,904
Yeah, you right.
447
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,046
And you know
something else, America?
448
00:16:51,127 --> 00:16:52,877
I shouldn't concentrate
on my misery.
449
00:16:52,953 --> 00:16:54,183
At least the boy's
having a good time.
450
00:16:54,255 --> 00:16:56,005
That's the only thing
that's important, right?
451
00:16:57,666 --> 00:16:58,586
CHILD: Ow!
CHILD: I got it!
452
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,837
(horn honking)
453
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,520
It's a circle, ladies.
Not a pit. Move!
454
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:05,942
(sneers)
455
00:17:06,017 --> 00:17:07,727
(horn honks)
456
00:17:07,802 --> 00:17:08,732
BERNIE: God...
457
00:17:08,803 --> 00:17:10,023
Knock it off!
458
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:11,936
What are you going
to do about it, nerd?
459
00:17:12,014 --> 00:17:14,074
I'm not a nerd!
460
00:17:14,141 --> 00:17:15,731
You're a nerd lover.
I'm not a nerd lover.
461
00:17:15,810 --> 00:17:16,900
I hate him.
462
00:17:16,977 --> 00:17:18,397
What's going on, son?
463
00:17:18,479 --> 00:17:19,859
KEVIN: Ring, ring.
464
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:21,909
Emergency phone call
for Baron von Pisspants.
465
00:17:21,982 --> 00:17:22,912
You know what?
466
00:17:22,983 --> 00:17:23,943
Go ahead, tell them.
467
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:24,908
I don't care anymore.
468
00:17:24,985 --> 00:17:26,435
Go ahead.
469
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:27,240
What are you
talking about, Jordan?
470
00:17:27,321 --> 00:17:29,501
He blackmailed me,
Uncle Bernie.
471
00:17:29,573 --> 00:17:30,613
He blackmailed me.
472
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:31,923
He said if
I wasn't his friend,
473
00:17:31,992 --> 00:17:33,042
he'd tell everybody
474
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,089
that I peed the bed, right?
475
00:17:35,162 --> 00:17:36,792
(laughing)
But you know what?
476
00:17:36,864 --> 00:17:38,594
I'd rather have no friends
than be friends with you.
477
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:41,296
Oh, my Lord. Kevin.
478
00:17:41,377 --> 00:17:42,717
Is this true?
479
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,305
You doing this to my nephew?
480
00:17:51,178 --> 00:17:52,478
Yeah, Kevin,
I guess this
481
00:17:52,555 --> 00:17:53,595
is you stop, huh?
482
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,021
Yeah, and I trust
483
00:17:55,099 --> 00:17:56,479
you'll be trying
to find another carpool
484
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:57,859
arrangement, huh?
485
00:17:57,935 --> 00:18:00,895
You and your daddy
have a nice life.
486
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,610
But...
Hey, Kevin.
487
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:04,120
Shut my door.
488
00:18:07,444 --> 00:18:08,794
(beat boxing)
489
00:18:08,863 --> 00:18:11,083
♪ Ted is gone, Ted is gone ♪
490
00:18:11,157 --> 00:18:13,467
♪ I got some nerves
he won't get on ♪
491
00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:15,463
(beat boxing)
492
00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:16,496
Come on, America.
493
00:18:16,579 --> 00:18:18,839
(beat boxing)
494
00:18:18,914 --> 00:18:21,554
(doorbell rings)
495
00:18:21,625 --> 00:18:23,465
Uh, hey, uh...
496
00:18:23,544 --> 00:18:25,514
Hey, Kevin, uh, Ted.
497
00:18:25,588 --> 00:18:26,978
What y'all doing here?
498
00:18:27,056 --> 00:18:27,846
Didn't Kevin tell you
we ain't friend...
499
00:18:27,923 --> 00:18:29,393
I mean, uh, the boys
ain't friends?
500
00:18:29,466 --> 00:18:31,516
Bernie, I heard what
happened with the kids.
501
00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:32,524
It's terrible.
502
00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,555
No, it's tragic.
503
00:18:34,638 --> 00:18:35,978
Kevin loved Jordan.
504
00:18:36,056 --> 00:18:37,146
I know he feels bad
about what he did,
505
00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:38,594
so I brought him over
to apologize.
506
00:18:38,668 --> 00:18:42,948
There's no reason these
kids can't be friends.
507
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,612
Uh, uh, uh, no, no.
You know what, Ted?
508
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:45,660
That's a terrible idea.
509
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,243
For all the obvious
reasons.
510
00:18:47,318 --> 00:18:49,698
One-- you're teaching
your son to be weak.
511
00:18:49,778 --> 00:18:51,828
And that's not
a good idea.
512
00:18:51,906 --> 00:18:53,826
And number two is,
it's a forced apology.
513
00:18:53,908 --> 00:18:55,248
And I'm not quite sure
514
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,040
that Jordan want
to accept your apology.
515
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,503
So you all have
a nice day.
516
00:18:58,579 --> 00:18:59,959
I'm sorry, Jordan.
517
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,009
Do you accept
my apology?
518
00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:09,523
(mutters)
You better not.
519
00:19:09,599 --> 00:19:10,679
I swear I'll kill you.
520
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,348
I accept.
521
00:19:12,426 --> 00:19:15,016
America, is he trying to vex me?
522
00:19:15,095 --> 00:19:17,515
Well, why the hell
did he do that?
523
00:19:17,598 --> 00:19:18,558
Because you
told me to.
524
00:19:18,641 --> 00:19:19,771
What?
525
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:22,190
Uncle Bernie, you were right.
526
00:19:22,269 --> 00:19:23,859
I was being mean to Kevin,
527
00:19:23,938 --> 00:19:25,198
and I was wrong.
528
00:19:25,272 --> 00:19:27,872
(sighs)
You told me to be his friend.
529
00:19:27,942 --> 00:19:29,872
I was trying to do
the right thing.
530
00:19:29,944 --> 00:19:33,704
In fact, I should be
apologizing to him.
531
00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:37,671
Jordan, I know you was trying
to do the right thing,
532
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:39,473
but this ain't
the right...
533
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,549
Yeah, Jordan, you right.
534
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,430
You right.
535
00:19:48,504 --> 00:19:50,264
Go on, Jordan.
536
00:19:50,339 --> 00:19:52,509
Go on and play with
your new friend.
537
00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:54,071
Go ahead.
538
00:19:59,523 --> 00:20:01,573
What do I do now?
539
00:20:01,642 --> 00:20:04,082
Don't tell me.
540
00:20:07,481 --> 00:20:09,411
Do you want to go outside and
burn bugs with your glasses?
541
00:20:09,483 --> 00:20:11,083
Sure.
542
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:19,680
Box of wine? Huh?
543
00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:24,207
Carpooling.
544
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:28,230
America, this all started
with carpooling.
545
00:20:28,302 --> 00:20:30,302
You see the kind of trouble
it gets you into?
546
00:20:30,379 --> 00:20:32,719
See, it gives you friends
you don't want.
547
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:33,898
Now don't get me wrong.
548
00:20:33,975 --> 00:20:35,765
You know, Ted's not a bad guy.
549
00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:38,893
In fact, when you get know him
he's kind of fun.
550
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:41,061
Went to the swap meet
the other day.
551
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:43,520
America, I got this.
552
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:44,860
Yeah, dig it.
553
00:20:44,935 --> 00:20:46,855
A bicentennial back-scratcher.
554
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:47,951
Yeah, yeah.
555
00:20:48,022 --> 00:20:50,662
Ooh, yeah, that's it.
556
00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:52,783
Woo, right there.
557
00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,240
Oh, yeah.
558
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,620
Oh, yeah, that's good.
559
00:20:56,697 --> 00:20:58,827
Ooh, get that spot.
560
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:01,631
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
561
00:21:01,702 --> 00:21:04,962
I mean, I only spent 35 cents.
That's not bad.
562
00:21:05,039 --> 00:21:06,009
Hold on.
563
00:21:06,081 --> 00:21:07,441
Yo, Ted?!
564
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,216
TED:
...we found a dead stuffed monkey.
565
00:21:09,293 --> 00:21:10,893
When the next swap meet?
566
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:12,440
I loved that
monkey, though.
567
00:21:12,513 --> 00:21:13,343
I call him Bobo.
568
00:21:13,414 --> 00:21:14,604
Yeah, he's my
best friend.
569
00:21:14,673 --> 00:21:16,143
So what?
570
00:21:16,216 --> 00:21:18,016
My friend likes monkeys.
(chuckles)
571
00:21:18,093 --> 00:21:21,033
I ain't mad at him.
572
00:21:26,435 --> 00:21:29,645
Piss everywhere, just...
573
00:21:29,730 --> 00:21:31,860
You see him talking smart.
Every week, he talks smart...
574
00:21:31,940 --> 00:21:33,030
(pissing noise)
575
00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:35,032
"Uncle Bernie..."
576
00:21:35,110 --> 00:21:37,200
Pissy-pot.
577
00:21:37,279 --> 00:21:38,199
But who has his back?
578
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,910
Uncle Bernie had his back.
579
00:21:40,991 --> 00:21:42,711
Piss everywhere. Shh-- Urine.
580
00:21:42,785 --> 00:21:46,455
It was yellow.
Right, phew, like it was a map.
581
00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:48,628
A gold map.
582
00:21:48,707 --> 00:21:51,837
(sighs)
Well...
583
00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:53,729
(sighs)
see you next week.
584
00:21:54,963 --> 00:21:57,903
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
585
00:21:57,953 --> 00:22:02,503
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