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♪ ♪
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Arliss: For most of us,
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the dream of becoming a champion
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00:00:16,249 --> 00:00:17,779
remains a fantasy.
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But for a special few,
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it is very much a reality.
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We cheer them.
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We live through them.
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Athletes are our last warriors.
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My job is to make
their dreams come true.
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My name is Arliss Michaels.
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I represent athletes.
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These are my stories.
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♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪
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♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪
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♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
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♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
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♪ It happens to be true ♪
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♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
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♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪
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♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪
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♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
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♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
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♪ No matter what you do ♪
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♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
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Arliss: Sports fans tend to
reduce their games and players
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to statistics.
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This impulse reached its
peak with the rise of a religion
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known as "Rotisserie"
or "Fantasy Baseball."
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Welcome to the 12th
Annual Den of Thieves
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Fantasy League Draft.
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I, uh, wanna welcome
everyone back.
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All of our aging, grizzled
veterans, you know who you are.
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Both in person and absentia.
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Jonathan, are you there?
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Jonathan Silverman: Hey,
everybody, sorry I can't be there,
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but (laughing) hey-hey-hey,
this is gonna be our year.
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Fat chance! That "Weekend
at Bernie" guy had more life
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than your team.
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Thanks, Doc. How those
Rogaine treatments workin' for ya?
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(laughter)
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And, welcoming
our newest team...
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(others heckling)
Rookie, rookie, rookie...
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All right, all right, all right,
come on, wait a minute.
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Now, as is our custom, we
congratulate our defending champions,
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Excuse me, two-time
defending champion.
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Two-time defending champion
and, cosmetic surgeon to the stars,
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I may add, Vic Freed, and
his team, Silicone Valley.
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- (others booing)
- Three-peat this year, gentlemen, three-peat.
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Freed, nice job
with the Jacksons.
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What is that, one mask fits all?
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(laughter)
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Hey, Brandon, I,
uh, I got a lead for ya.
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They're lookin' for a new head of
programming over at the Weather Channel.
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(laughter)
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Freed, you are so
beneath contempt,
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I am moving my
seat closer to Shapiro.
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Hey-hey-hey, that's collusion.
Hey-hey, split 'em up, let's go.
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Bernie: Before this gets ugly, let
me... let me go through the rules.
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You have $260 to bid on 23
major league baseball players.
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Excuse me, I
need a clarification.
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Are we drafting from both the American
League and the National League?
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Others: No, no, no no no.
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Bob, we draft only from
the National League.
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So if a player's real team trades
him over to the American League,
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it's like, you know,
he's... he's dropped dead
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as far as we're concerned.
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Now, the team with the
best combined player stats
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at the end of the season
wins the pot and the trophy.
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Here it sits... and
here it's gonna stay.
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(disapproving murmurs)
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All right, all right, all right, no,
hey, come on, hold it, hold it.
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Right. Everybody understand?
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Okay. You ready to
start the auction now?
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Arliss? Uh, once again we
have your word that you won't
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pump your contacts
for inside information.
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You know, every year we go
through this. Do you honestly think
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I would jeopardize my practice
to win a "Rotisserie League"?
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Of course you have my word.
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I'd say, look for big
things from Eric Davis.
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- Eric Davis?
- Eric Davis.
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Eric? The same Eric...
the same Eric Davis?
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Eric... Eric the Red.
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Five dollars for Eric Davis!
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Five dollars for Eric Davis?
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He didn't even play last year.
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- It's too much...
- Bernie: Going once...
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- Trust me! Trust me!
- Bernie: going twice... sold!
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To Frozen Ropes
for five dollars.
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All right, Pete Incaviglia.
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Who wants the "Inky-Dinky" man?
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Five dollars.
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Too low, six bucks.
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Seven.
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I'm gonna go eight. I love
Inky, I really want Inky.
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- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
- Eight bucks!
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- Hey, how you doin'?
- What's up, buddy?
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What's up, man? How you doin'?
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All right, brother,
it's good to see you.
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Stud.
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- Welcome back, bro.
- All right.
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You too, man. Good
to see you, Inky.
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- What about Inky?
- Ah, forget him.
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- No, don't. Pass.
- Nine.
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Too much. It's too much.
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Bernie: Nine dollars once.
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- I want... I want Inky.
- Bernie: Twice?
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Nine dollars.
Once... going twice.
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Sold! The Inky!
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Silicone Valley.
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Inky-Dinky-Do!
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Eric Karros, uh... 13 bucks.
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- Gary Sheffield.
- Thirty bucks.
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- (heavy sigh)
- No, no, that's too high. Six.
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Ken Caminiti.
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Vince Coleman, one dollar.
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Gary Coleman, two dollars.
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- (laughter)
- Uh, Pulsipher. Eleven.
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Ah, it's too much!
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Sold!
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Arliss: Oh, Kirby!
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It's good.
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The man. Barry Bonds.
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- Brandon: I gotta have him.
- Seventeen.
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- Twenty dollars.
- Jonathan Silverman: Twenty-five.
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Third baseman, Matt Williams.
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Piazza.
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Nomo...
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Hey, Brandon... did they have
fantasy baseball when I was playing?
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Absolutely. In fact, you
were my very first pick.
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I got you for three bucks.
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That was a steal.
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Actually, I overpaid.
You sucked that year.
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Bernie: Okay, Jeff Bagwell.
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- Fifteen.
- Sixteen.
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Jonathan Silverman:
Double deuces.
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Twenty-three.
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Twenty-eight.
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Thirty-five, that's it.
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Thirty-five? Is that it?
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Yours.
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Jeff Bagwell. Sold to
the Single Guy for 35.
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Ha-ho, baby, we got the Bag!
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All right, next, uh... Ned Bastille,
pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies.
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Twenty dollars.
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Twenty-five.
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Forget it. Ned
Bastille's a Frozen Rope.
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Twenty-six.
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Must be a client. Thirty.
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Thirty-one.
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Thirty-two.
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Thirty-three.
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Arliss and Freed are
like... Ali and Frazier.
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Every year Arliss buys Bastille and
every year Freed makes him overpay.
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Thirty-six.
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Thirty-eight.
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Don't... 40 dollars.
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Bernie: Forty
dollars going once...
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twice... sold! To Frozen Ropes.
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Ned Bastille for 40 dollars.
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You bid too much!
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That makes Bastille the highest
pitcher in baseball? Forget it.
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Higher than Maddux?
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He's worth it. And,
he's an AMM client.
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They always get
the highest prices!
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(skeptical murmurs)
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All right, all right, all right,
come on, wait a minute.
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Arliss: Grown men and women
invest enormous amounts
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of time and energy
in fantasy baseball.
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Some claim it's a perfect
simulation of reality.
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But in fact, it's mere child's play
compared to flesh and blood players,
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and their very real lives.
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Hi, I'm Marcie Bastille,
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chairperson of
Bastille's Buddies.
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And I'm Ned Bastille.
I pitch for Philadelphia.
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And I'm Ed Rendell, the
mayor of Philadelphia,
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and this is our city.
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I grew up right
here in Philadelphia.
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Played in this park as a kid.
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Join the Bastille Buddies,
and help keep this park clean.
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And our streets
safe. Right, guys?
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All: Right!
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And cut! Perfect! I
love it, let's do it again.
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See, you talk about your
role models, Ned Bastille,
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more popular in Philadelphia
than cheesesteak.
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00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:11,501
And you know Philly fans, they
boo funerals and Santa Claus.
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(chuckles)
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We're gonna get together in a few
weeks and talk about an extension.
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We want Ned Bastille to start and finish
his career right here in Philadelphia.
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00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,035
Great. Let me help you get
started. Four years, $20 million.
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Four years? He'll
be 38 in four years.
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Thirty-eight? Wow!
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00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:33,187
I had no idea he
was gonna be 38!
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Take him out behind
the barn and shoot him!
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Break open his
leg, count the rings!
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Fine. You don't wanna sign him,
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00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:39,944
he plays on his option,
becomes a free agent.
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00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:43,129
There are plenty of other teams who
would love to sign a 200-game winner
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to a four-year deal.
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00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:48,531
Arliss, you know that we don't
sign pitchers to long-term deals.
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00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:51,081
Mr. Mayor, do you know the
general manager of your baseball team
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00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,707
is balking at
signing Ned Bastille
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00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,312
to a contract extension?
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00:07:54,373 --> 00:07:56,183
Whoa, be careful, Tom.
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00:07:56,242 --> 00:07:57,952
You know, it's been a
tough enough year already.
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00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,517
You don't wanna be known as the
guy who let the Liberty Bell get away.
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00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:03,276
(chuckles) Don't worry.
We'll make it work!
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00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:04,949
Great! Great, great.
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00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:07,317
- Pretzel?
- No, I don't touch the stuff.
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00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:09,956
Arliss: In this day and
age, few of the immortals
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00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:12,492
finish their career with
the dignity they deserve.
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00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:15,428
In the bosom of the
city that nurtured them.
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00:08:15,494 --> 00:08:17,764
Talk about players that
are associated with teams,
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00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,770
there are very few
that are associated.
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00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:22,372
There's Cal Ripken.
There's Junior Griffey,
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00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,735
and Philadelphia's N... Ned
Bastille, I mean, there's...
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00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,042
Maybe they don't
want me anymore.
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00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:32,348
Maybe I'm a fool for wantin' to
finish my career in Philadelphia.
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00:08:32,411 --> 00:08:34,851
Of course they want you.
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00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:37,324
The question is, for how long?
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00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:39,823
I've got at least four more
good years in this arm.
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00:08:39,885 --> 00:08:42,015
Hey, forget about
this. Let me handle that.
223
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,288
You concentrate on
winning the pennant.
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00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,287
Excuse me, Arliss, he
plays for Philadelphia.
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00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,760
Ahh. Look. The
pressure is all on them.
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00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:53,600
If they don't sign you to a new
contract before the season's over,
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00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:55,126
you become a free agent.
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00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,241
- Free agent?
- Marce and I talked about it, Arliss.
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00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,474
We don't wanna go
the free agent route.
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00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:03,809
We love it here. We have
friends here in Philadelphia.
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00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,776
We just finished building
our dream house here,
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00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,155
and we wanna
raise our family here.
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00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:09,249
And you will raise
your family here.
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00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:10,515
You know it and I know it.
235
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:11,983
But I don't want
them to know it!
236
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,951
Look, l... let me handle
this. I promise you,
237
00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,720
within six months, you will be,
238
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:18,488
pardon the expression,
farting through silk.
239
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:21,127
Yeah, but where will I
be fartin' through silk?
240
00:09:21,193 --> 00:09:23,303
Where else? The bedroom.
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00:09:23,362 --> 00:09:25,732
(laughing)
242
00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:27,598
Trust me. I'll make it work.
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00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:32,535
Arliss: As an agent, I
dedicate myself 24 hours a day
244
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:36,435
to looking after only
my clients' best interests.
245
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:41,109
I constantly ask myself the
question, how am I doing?
246
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:42,380
Son of a bitch!
247
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:43,818
Ew, what?
248
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:46,423
My team, the Frozen
Ropes, are in fifth place,
249
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:49,285
and that damn Freed is in
third, it gets me right here!
250
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:51,495
You know, at the beginning
it was kinda cute, you know,
251
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:55,834
this fantasy baseball, like
little kids trading baseball cards.
252
00:09:55,895 --> 00:10:00,265
But now it's, uh, reams of statistics
clogging up the fax machines,
253
00:10:00,332 --> 00:10:03,242
uh, Kirby on the phone,
uh, making trades...
254
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:05,642
Whoa-whoa-whoa,
Kirby's making trades?
255
00:10:05,704 --> 00:10:08,814
All day. And then, uh,
there's messages, from, uh,
256
00:10:08,874 --> 00:10:10,814
your flatliner roto
friends, what is this?
257
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:12,806
Tartikoff, Shapiro...
258
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:14,218
Kirby: Look, you need
speed, we need power.
259
00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:16,476
How about DeShields
and Finley for Bagwell?
260
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:17,949
- I'm not stoned.
- Who you on with?
261
00:10:17,983 --> 00:10:20,703
- The Single Guy.
- You're not supposed to make any trades without me.
262
00:10:20,719 --> 00:10:22,149
- What are they offering?
- Bagwell.
263
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:23,161
(whispering) Bagwell?
Go-go-go-go-go.
264
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,662
Look, you still there?
265
00:10:24,723 --> 00:10:27,463
Yes, I'm still here.
So's Jeff Bagwell.
266
00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:28,686
What's he want?
267
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:30,111
- Um...
- Waiting for you on set, Jonathan.
268
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,239
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. In a minute.
269
00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:34,473
Look, Bagwell is the best
hitter in the National League.
270
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:38,603
You want him? I want Finley,
DeShields... two pitchers.
271
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,141
He wants two more pitchers!
272
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:44,206
Fine, give him those two Mets stiffs you
hyped me on, uh, Pulsipher and Wilson.
273
00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:47,346
- No!
- Yes! Between 'em they got one win!
274
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:50,083
Uh, well, we'll
throw in Pulsipher.
275
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,489
(laughs) Pulsipher? That stiff?
276
00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:54,691
-And Wilson! And Wilson!
-And Wilson!
277
00:10:54,753 --> 00:10:55,993
Jonathan, we gotta go.
278
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:58,555
Hey-hey-hey, I am
making a trade here!
279
00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:00,864
All right. All right.
So what do we got?
280
00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:05,756
We got... Yeah-yeah. We got,
uh, uh, Finley, DeShields, Pulsipher,
281
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,701
- and Wilson...
- Yeah.
282
00:11:07,766 --> 00:11:09,166
For Bagwell. Deal?
283
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:10,965
Deal! Okay! Great!
284
00:11:11,036 --> 00:11:12,566
Yeah! We got Bagwell!
285
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:15,008
- We got Bagwell!
- We got Bagwell!
286
00:11:15,074 --> 00:11:17,014
(Kirby laughs) G'bye!
287
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:19,076
- We got Bagwell!
- Bagwell!
288
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:20,785
- We got Bagwell!
- Really good, I mean, we're gonna need more power
289
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:22,253
if we're gonna
beat Freed's team.
290
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,434
Hey, I don't think Freed has enough
pitching this year, I really don't.
291
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:26,190
- He's got no pitching!
- None.
292
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,292
I just got off the phone
with Ken Caminiti's wife.
293
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,964
Ken just cut his
finger slicing tomatoes.
294
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,362
He's gonna be out for two weeks.
295
00:11:31,423 --> 00:11:32,963
All right!
296
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,685
Uh, excuse me...
we represent Ken.
297
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:37,731
Yeah? Well, he's on
Freed's fantasy team.
298
00:11:37,796 --> 00:11:38,796
- That's right!
- Yes!
299
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:39,534
That's right! That's right!
300
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:41,328
Enough fantasy!
301
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,540
Oh, and, uh, these came
in from Tom Gale's office,
302
00:11:44,603 --> 00:11:46,773
he wants to talk to you
about Ned Bastille's contract.
303
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:50,409
Oh, you remember him, uh, he
pitches for a real baseball team.
304
00:11:50,476 --> 00:11:54,106
Yes, we remember Ned
Bastille, he's a Frozen Rope!
305
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:56,920
What is this? Gale's not
moving on this Bastille thing at all.
306
00:11:56,982 --> 00:11:59,222
Rita, have the Gulfstream
fueled, I'm gonna fly to Philly
307
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:01,085
and talk to Fregosi personally.
308
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,285
Both: Bagwell!
309
00:12:07,993 --> 00:12:09,663
Arliss: While
negotiating, it's important
310
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:11,458
to respect boundaries.
311
00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:14,800
To an agent, the playing
field is strictly off limits.
312
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:16,567
Well, you know I want Ned.
313
00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:19,165
He's a key guy on
my pitching staff.
314
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:22,578
He means everything, he's the
guy that gives me the innings I need
315
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:24,411
to be successful
throughout a season.
316
00:12:24,476 --> 00:12:27,746
- Absolutely.
- But the problem with the game today...
317
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:30,183
is that agents are
trying to run the game.
318
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:33,719
Now, Ned... is a great pitcher.
319
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:35,616
He wants to be a Phillie.
320
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,998
That's the thing that
we gotta talk about.
321
00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:38,562
We gotta be able to
work somethin' out.
322
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:40,664
I agree. He doesn't wanna leave.
323
00:12:40,726 --> 00:12:42,596
He wants to stay. He's got a
home here. He's got roots here.
324
00:12:42,628 --> 00:12:43,658
We all wanna stay here.
325
00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:46,699
If it was up to me, I'd give
him a long-term contract.
326
00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:48,365
But that job is not up to me.
327
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:51,074
-Talk to Gale. Talk to...
-I have talked to him.
328
00:12:51,136 --> 00:12:52,666
Talk to Gale.
329
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:55,238
Arliss, Fregosi tore
me a new asshole
330
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:57,877
when he heard about the
prospect of losing Bastille.
331
00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,053
So, extend his
contract four years.
332
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:03,652
Look, our last few long-term
deals didn't turn out so hot.
333
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:04,876
We just don't have the budget
334
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,190
to do more than one
year, with an option.
335
00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:10,523
This is absurd! You know
he can get a better deal
336
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:12,459
from any team in the league!
337
00:13:12,524 --> 00:13:13,794
Okay, fine.
338
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:18,259
I guess Ned's just gonna have to
walk away at the end of the year.
339
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:21,300
Actually, we were thinkin' it
might serve all of our interests
340
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:23,567
to let him walk away sooner.
341
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,236
Huh?
342
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:29,144
Any chance Ned might be willing
to waive his no-trade clause?
343
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:30,508
I'm sorry?
344
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:31,836
Waive it.
345
00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:34,680
Waive his no-trade clause?
346
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:38,517
You're asking Ned Bastille to
just walk away from Philadelphia?
347
00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:39,394
Shame on you!
348
00:13:39,451 --> 00:13:40,691
Shame!
349
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:41,593
What do you think?
350
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,024
And don't mention
trade again, Arliss!
351
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:46,059
It's banned from the language!
352
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:47,855
I can't believe they
wanna trade me!
353
00:13:47,926 --> 00:13:49,396
Well, they don't
want to trade you.
354
00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:52,171
It's just that they figure, if you're
gonna walk away at the end of the year,
355
00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:53,577
they'd like to get
something for you now.
356
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,569
Oh, so I become a rent-a-player?
357
00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:56,944
Y...
358
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,042
I say we stay here.
This is where we live.
359
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:01,074
What's an extra million dollars?
360
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,250
(chuckles) Well, it's not
just another million dollars.
361
00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:05,635
It's another 15 to
20 million dollars.
362
00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:08,211
Besides, I think this whole
thing can work to our benefit.
363
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,520
How could it work
to our benefit?
364
00:14:10,582 --> 00:14:12,282
Because we hold all the cards.
365
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:16,121
I can engineer a move to a
contender like Atlanta, or Los Angeles.
366
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,818
And why would we wanna do that?
367
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:21,330
Because this might be his last
chance to win and he knows it.
368
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:23,763
In a day I can have you goin'
from a team that's 15 back
369
00:14:23,829 --> 00:14:25,859
to one that's five in front.
370
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:29,541
You'll be able to pitch a game this
year in September that means something.
371
00:14:29,601 --> 00:14:31,641
A pennant race.
372
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,174
Do you remember
what that felt like in '93?
373
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:37,310
We were so close.
374
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,036
Goddamn Joe Carter.
375
00:14:39,111 --> 00:14:41,081
And I know you, Ned.
376
00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:43,016
And I know that fire
still burns in your belly.
377
00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:45,552
Oh, man, it rages.
378
00:14:45,617 --> 00:14:46,987
Fine! Go ahead.
379
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,502
But if you go, I'm
not moving with you.
380
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,120
Eh... Honey!
381
00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:53,389
Look, I love this town
every bit as much as you do.
382
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:56,199
But I wanna win a World Series.
383
00:14:56,261 --> 00:14:57,661
I'm a ballplayer.
384
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,130
That's what I do.
385
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:03,299
Winning means more to me
than anything else in the world.
386
00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:05,436
Except you.
387
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:11,876
If you say no-go...
(sighs) then it's no-go.
388
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,817
Okay.
389
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:19,792
Waive your no-trade clause.
390
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,752
But only if it's a contender.
391
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:24,460
Trust me. I'll make this work.
392
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:27,763
Look Pedro Astacio
for Inky's a good deal.
393
00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:28,856
No, I'm not stoned.
394
00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:30,327
(whispers) Who you talkin' to?
395
00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:32,656
Uh, one of the other
teams, um, I just...
396
00:15:32,731 --> 00:15:34,801
Freed! Give me that!
397
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,367
Freed, what are
you tryin' to pull?
398
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:39,805
Hey-hey. I thought you
needed a little pop, so sue me.
399
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:41,412
I need a little pitchin',
400
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:43,743
and when you're the
two-time defendin' champion,
401
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:45,679
nobody wants to talk to you.
402
00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:48,064
No, when you're a prick with
ears, no one wants to talk with you.
403
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,120
Anyway, you got nothin' we want.
404
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:52,178
Oh, really? How about
the Den of Thieves trophy?
405
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:53,991
Silicone Valley, baby!
406
00:15:54,052 --> 00:15:55,652
Three-peat!
407
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,457
What are you, nuts?
Makin' a trade with Freed.
408
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,056
You know he's gonna fuck us!
409
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,157
Well, we gotta make a move. We'd be
in first instead of Freed if we had Inky.
410
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:07,300
I mean, we need another
power hitter, Arliss.
411
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:10,366
Okay, trade for Carreon,
he won't cost much.
412
00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:12,476
He just got traded to the
American League. He's dead.
413
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:14,424
Look, Kirby, I know what
happens when you get this way.
414
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,250
You wanna make a trade just
for the sake of makin' a trade.
415
00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:19,275
But remember, no deals unless
you consult with me first, understand?
416
00:16:19,344 --> 00:16:21,184
Hey, you guys play
fantasy baseball, huh?
417
00:16:21,246 --> 00:16:22,976
- Yeah.
- Yeah. How'd you know?
418
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:24,648
Hunch. Hey, I got a tip for ya.
419
00:16:24,716 --> 00:16:26,646
- What?
- Get a fuckin' life.
420
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:37,630
Do you think the team
could use Ned Bastille?
421
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:40,296
Ned Bastille, let me tell you
somethin' about Ned Bastille.
422
00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:42,165
This guy's got a lotta talent.
423
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:43,584
Now, I know the Dodgers
are talkin' with him,
424
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:44,952
- but I mean, it's like...
- You can't let the Dodgers have him,
425
00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:47,620
we're fightin' with them for the
League ERA crown. We gotta have him.
426
00:16:47,639 --> 00:16:49,039
This guy's awesome.
427
00:16:49,107 --> 00:16:52,277
I think he'd fit in real well with
Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz and Avery.
428
00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:56,179
N... no, John, John,
it's a no-brainer.
429
00:16:56,248 --> 00:16:58,818
You've got a super-station
to program in Atlanta.
430
00:16:58,884 --> 00:17:00,994
So what does all
programming need?
431
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:03,963
Stars! Well, Ned Bastille
is the biggest star out there!
432
00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:06,562
So bring me an offer
that I can take to Gale!
433
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:10,495
When I draft Gary Sheffield,
I expect you to hit 30 homers
434
00:17:10,562 --> 00:17:12,462
and steal 30 bases!
435
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,771
I mean, Jesus, my cleaning
lady steals more than you do.
436
00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:17,674
Look, I gotta face Nomo tonight.
437
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:20,306
Last thing I wanna talk about
is some candy-ass kid game.
438
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,172
Why don't you go play
Battleship or something?
439
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,241
Okay?
440
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:31,484
Fred, the Lakers
just signed Shaq.
441
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:34,250
You've got to compete for the
entertainment dollar in Los Angeles.
442
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:35,899
Now your pitchers are
runnin' out of nationalities
443
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:37,421
and I'm running out of time.
444
00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:39,489
So bring me an offer
I can take to Gale.
445
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:45,863
Hey, Kirby, what's up?
446
00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:48,771
Nothin' that you
leavin' won't help.
447
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,744
Arliss around?
448
00:17:50,802 --> 00:17:52,802
No.
449
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:54,751
I saw the stats. You guys
moved ahead of me into first.
450
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:56,483
Gotta hand it to you.
451
00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:58,712
Yeah, we're comin'
down to the wire.
452
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:02,247
Mm. But you know, you
are the brains of the team.
453
00:18:02,314 --> 00:18:04,484
You're the one that wanted
Inky. I remember that.
454
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:06,590
You're the one, you said,
"Arliss, I gotta have him."
455
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,552
But he wouldn't listen.
456
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:10,890
- Not one of his strong points.
- No.
457
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:13,826
You know, if we had more power,
we'd be runnin' away with this thing.
458
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,762
Couldn't agree with you more.
459
00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:19,102
You know...
460
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:21,702
maybe I can help.
461
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,043
Look, Arliss, I'm not givin'
away Ned Bastille for nothin'.
462
00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:29,605
L.A. is offering Billy
Ashley and Mike Bush.
463
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,635
I'd rather have Eric Karros.
464
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:33,990
I'd rather have 48 hours in a
hotel room with Ellen Barkin,
465
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:35,356
but that's not gonna
happen, either.
466
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,320
Hold.
467
00:18:37,382 --> 00:18:39,422
Marcie, it looks like I'll
have something worked out
468
00:18:39,484 --> 00:18:40,994
by the time the
team arrives in L.A.
469
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:42,353
You flyin' out to meet Ned?
470
00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:44,761
Yes! I'm starting
to get excited.
471
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:46,463
Rita found us a
house in the Palisades.
472
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,355
It's got hardwood
floors and a sub-zero.
473
00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:49,657
Granite counters?
474
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,498
You bet. It's got it all.
475
00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:52,463
Great, can't wait to see you.
476
00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:53,431
Okay, bye.
477
00:18:53,498 --> 00:18:54,328
Bye.
478
00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:55,699
Now what?
479
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:58,997
Pittsburgh is offering Al
Martin and Orlando Merced.
480
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,741
I don't give a fuck
if they're offering
481
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,736
Willie Stargel and
Roberto Clemente!
482
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,278
He ain't goin' to Pittsburgh!
483
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:06,113
Hold!
484
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:10,318
Ned? It looks like
Los Angle-eeeez!
485
00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:11,782
Shit!
486
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:14,490
I can't get through.
487
00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:18,223
Aw, too bad Arliss won't let
you make a trade on your own.
488
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:21,790
It's team policy, you
know? We're equal partners.
489
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:25,460
Well, sure you are. That's why it
says Kirby Carlisle Management
490
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:27,200
on the door.
491
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,800
Go ahead, Kirby.
Pull the trigger.
492
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,883
Cincinnati!
493
00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:41,645
When did they move to the coast?
494
00:19:41,713 --> 00:19:46,123
Look, Gail, it's L.A. or no way!
495
00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:49,324
(singing) I got the
power! I got the power!
496
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:51,688
De-duh-de-duh de-de
duh-de. I got the power!
497
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:53,257
Boom-boom-boom!
498
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,325
(quietly) Look-look-look.
Come here. Come here.
499
00:19:55,394 --> 00:19:58,104
Are. You. Stoned?
500
00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:01,333
I did it! I got the missing
piece to the puzzle!
501
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,430
Yes!
502
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:03,741
What puzzle?
503
00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:05,642
The Frozen Rope puzzle!
504
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,914
- (phone rings) - Now we're
gonna run away with the title.
505
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:10,394
What'd you find out? What'd
you find... what'd you learn?
506
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:11,489
What's the info? Give!
Give me the skinny!
507
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:12,690
-(singing) I got the power!
-Give me the skinny!
508
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:13,711
I got the power!
509
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:14,909
All right, give it!
510
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:16,480
Arliss, Arliss.
511
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:19,018
The LAPD's on line one.
They say it's an emergency.
512
00:20:19,084 --> 00:20:22,554
Okay, uh, better find out where
Bob Shapiro is, just in case.
513
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:25,990
Arliss Michaels here.
514
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,028
Yes, Arliss Michaels...
515
00:20:28,093 --> 00:20:31,263
this is Lt. Freed of the
Fantasy League Patrol.
516
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:33,400
Freed.
517
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:35,065
Major wanker.
518
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:36,443
Major wanker!
519
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:37,771
Fuck him.
520
00:20:37,836 --> 00:20:41,206
You are such an asshole. Why
would you do something like that?
521
00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:43,543
'Cause I knew it'd
get your attention.
522
00:20:43,608 --> 00:20:47,848
'Cause what I'm about to tell
ya... is gonna blow your mind.
523
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,153
(laughs)
524
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,800
So...
525
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:10,396
you traded Ned Bastille.
526
00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:14,169
The Den of Thieves
trophy is ours!
527
00:21:14,239 --> 00:21:16,509
(laughs)
528
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,405
You traded Ned Bastille.
529
00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:21,379
I got Inky.
530
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:25,016
You know, four home
runs, 12 RBI's last week.
531
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:26,723
Player of the week!
532
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,615
You traded Bastille!
533
00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:31,158
(glass breaking)
534
00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:38,534
Come here! Get over here!
535
00:21:38,597 --> 00:21:41,197
Don't you run away!
I'm gonna kill you!
536
00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:42,166
Calm down!
537
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:44,204
Calm down? Calm down?
He traded Ned Bastille!
538
00:21:44,269 --> 00:21:46,339
He traded Ned Bastille
without my permission!
539
00:21:46,404 --> 00:21:47,944
I thought Ned wanted
to stay in Philly.
540
00:21:48,006 --> 00:21:50,876
Not the real Ned Bastille,
the Frozen Ropes Ned Bastille!
541
00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:52,442
It's a good trade!
542
00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:54,081
- Oh!
- Inky's on a tear!
543
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:56,406
This meltdown has to
do with fantasy baseball?
544
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:57,321
Arliss/Kirby: Yeah!
545
00:21:57,382 --> 00:21:58,632
Oh, go ahead and
beat your brains out.
546
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:01,150
Oh, you know, we need
Inky's offense to win this league!
547
00:22:01,219 --> 00:22:02,589
League? There is no league.
548
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:04,304
You just gave him the
best pitcher in the league!
549
00:22:04,322 --> 00:22:07,492
Freed's gonna win because
you gave him Ned Bastille
550
00:22:07,559 --> 00:22:10,629
without my permission!
551
00:22:10,695 --> 00:22:12,505
You know, you treat me like
I'm your fuckin' little brother!
552
00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:14,671
Like I gotta ask your
permission to take a piss!
553
00:22:14,733 --> 00:22:16,413
Well, if you didn't ask my
permission to take a piss,
554
00:22:16,434 --> 00:22:18,244
(sing-song) you'd
probably piss in your pants!
555
00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:21,341
Jesus, Arliss! That
blow was so low,
556
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:22,306
it'd start a riot in the Garden.
557
00:22:22,374 --> 00:22:24,414
Now listen, you are
jeopardizing a friendship
558
00:22:24,476 --> 00:22:27,206
over a game. Excuse
me, a game about a game.
559
00:22:29,214 --> 00:22:30,584
(exhales)
560
00:22:30,649 --> 00:22:32,419
Give me the bat.
561
00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:33,554
Gently.
562
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,929
Okay, maybe I did overreact.
563
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:51,944
I swear to God I
tried to reach you.
564
00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:54,843
Oh, Ned Bastille was our ace.
565
00:22:54,906 --> 00:22:56,676
That's why we paid
so much money for him.
566
00:22:56,741 --> 00:22:57,881
You never trade an ace!
567
00:22:57,943 --> 00:23:00,413
And now he's Freed's ace!
568
00:23:00,478 --> 00:23:03,378
(sighs) We're dead.
569
00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:04,718
I'm sorry.
570
00:23:04,783 --> 00:23:07,193
On top of which, he's now being
traded from a last-place team
571
00:23:07,252 --> 00:23:08,452
to a contender.
572
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,620
Bastille's being traded?
573
00:23:10,689 --> 00:23:11,819
To who?
574
00:23:16,528 --> 00:23:18,698
We draft only from
the National League,
575
00:23:18,763 --> 00:23:21,773
so if a players' real team trades
him over to the American League,
576
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:24,243
it's like, you know,
he's... he's dropped dead.
577
00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:26,182
(echoing) Dropped dead.
Dropped dead. Dropped dead.
578
00:23:26,204 --> 00:23:28,274
Boss, where's Bastille goin'?
579
00:23:31,776 --> 00:23:33,246
Milwaukee?
580
00:23:33,311 --> 00:23:34,381
Yeah.
581
00:23:34,446 --> 00:23:36,476
There is no way I am
going to live in Milwaukee.
582
00:23:36,548 --> 00:23:38,318
How did Milwaukee
enter into this?
583
00:23:38,383 --> 00:23:41,023
Bud Selig calls
me out of the blue,
584
00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:46,186
and he's offering a
guaranteed $18 million
585
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:49,388
four-year deal!
586
00:23:49,461 --> 00:23:51,501
You never said anything
about the American League?
587
00:23:51,563 --> 00:23:53,373
And what about the Dodgers?
588
00:23:53,431 --> 00:23:57,041
Oh, sure, you can be
a rent-a-player here,
589
00:23:57,102 --> 00:24:00,612
but, I've been thinking about what
Marcie said about living in a big city
590
00:24:00,672 --> 00:24:02,822
with small-town values,
and I gotta tell ya right away,
591
00:24:02,841 --> 00:24:06,681
that puts the kibosh on L.A. I mean,
this place is immoral, uh, it's Sin City.
592
00:24:06,745 --> 00:24:09,205
Yeah, but... you live here.
593
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:12,551
Look at this... fresh
Milwaukee beer.
594
00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:14,747
Frothy. Try some.
595
00:24:14,819 --> 00:24:16,489
Whatever happened to Atlanta?
596
00:24:16,554 --> 00:24:18,164
(chuckles) Like
they need pitching.
597
00:24:18,223 --> 00:24:21,533
Milwaukee? Philadelphia has a
better chance of winning the Series
598
00:24:21,593 --> 00:24:22,793
than... than Milwaukee.
599
00:24:22,861 --> 00:24:24,661
Yeah, Arliss. Remember
that whole speech
600
00:24:24,729 --> 00:24:26,499
about goin' to a winner?
601
00:24:26,564 --> 00:24:29,334
Trust me. The people in
Milwaukee are committed!
602
00:24:29,401 --> 00:24:32,541
You sign, they'll
declare Bastille Day!
603
00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:34,044
Two, please.
604
00:24:36,374 --> 00:24:37,614
Bratwurst.
605
00:24:38,743 --> 00:24:40,353
Milwaukee's finest.
606
00:24:40,412 --> 00:24:42,582
- Try some!
- Okay, that's it!
607
00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:46,987
Stop. Now I would've never agreed
on waiving your no-trade clause
608
00:24:47,052 --> 00:24:48,992
if I knew it'd mean
going to Milwaukee.
609
00:24:49,054 --> 00:24:51,164
Well, you should at
least think about it.
610
00:24:51,222 --> 00:24:53,062
There's nothing to think about.
611
00:24:53,124 --> 00:24:56,134
Sure there is. We're talking
about a four-year deal.
612
00:24:56,194 --> 00:24:58,774
You never know what's gonna
happen, his arm could blow out tomorrow.
613
00:24:58,797 --> 00:25:00,967
It's security, it's guaranteed.
614
00:25:01,032 --> 00:25:03,342
(screaming) It's Milwaukee!
615
00:25:03,401 --> 00:25:07,771
Arliss? You talked us into
moving out here to Los Angeles,
616
00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:11,139
and now we're here. And
nothing on God's green earth
617
00:25:11,209 --> 00:25:13,549
is going to make us
move again. Nothing!
618
00:25:13,611 --> 00:25:15,851
(rumbling noise)
619
00:25:15,914 --> 00:25:17,224
What the hell is that?
620
00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:23,589
(screaming) Arliss, Arliss!
621
00:25:23,655 --> 00:25:25,785
(screaming)
622
00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:27,187
Arliss!
623
00:25:27,258 --> 00:25:28,458
(crying)
624
00:25:28,526 --> 00:25:33,566
(alarm blaring)
625
00:25:39,537 --> 00:25:41,407
Is it over?
626
00:25:41,473 --> 00:25:43,173
You all right, baby?
627
00:25:43,241 --> 00:25:46,481
My god... that
was an earthquake.
628
00:25:46,544 --> 00:25:48,354
Oh, no-no, that
was an aftershock.
629
00:25:48,413 --> 00:25:50,753
Earthquake? That's
a whole other matter!
630
00:25:50,815 --> 00:25:51,875
(chuckles)
631
00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:53,820
Right, Kirby?
632
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:59,855
Oh... oh, you gotta see one of
them babies, it's... boom! (chuckles)
633
00:25:59,924 --> 00:26:03,604
Here we go. A little pound
here, a little tap there,
634
00:26:03,661 --> 00:26:07,131
your nose'll be saying, "Goodbye,
Streisand, hello, Winona."
635
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,170
Radio announcer: And in sports,
the Phillies send Cy Young winner
636
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,837
Ned Bastille to the
Milwaukee Brewers.
637
00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:16,836
(screams) Whaaaat!
638
00:26:16,908 --> 00:26:20,648
Arliss/Kirby: Frozen Ropes!
Ropes! Ropes! Ropes!
639
00:26:20,712 --> 00:26:22,212
Ropes, Ropes, Ropes!
640
00:26:25,917 --> 00:26:29,347
Arliss: My clients know that
they can always trust me to do
641
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,261
whatever is best for them.
642
00:26:31,322 --> 00:26:34,462
My own personal
gain is irrelevant.
643
00:26:34,526 --> 00:26:37,756
The client's best
interest is paramount.
644
00:26:37,829 --> 00:26:40,669
It's knowing that you've
done everything in your power
645
00:26:40,732 --> 00:26:42,532
to make this moment happen.
646
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:47,170
Ahh, that then, is the
sweetest victory of all.
647
00:26:47,238 --> 00:26:50,408
(rock music playing)
648
00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:52,835
My name is Arliss Michaels.
649
00:26:52,911 --> 00:26:56,651
I represent athletes.
These are my stories.
650
00:26:56,714 --> 00:26:59,924
(rock music continues)
651
00:27:04,689 --> 00:27:06,829
♪ Oh ♪
652
00:27:06,891 --> 00:27:08,261
♪ Ohhh ♪
653
00:27:10,161 --> 00:27:12,101
♪ Tonight I'm dancin' ♪
654
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,670
♪ Ohhh ♪
655
00:27:18,736 --> 00:27:20,706
♪ Tonight I'm dancin' ♪
656
00:27:24,542 --> 00:27:25,642
♪ Ohhh ♪
657
00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:27,750
♪ This is my song tonight ♪
658
00:27:29,747 --> 00:27:32,617
♪ This is my song tonight ♪
659
00:27:32,684 --> 00:27:33,854
♪ Ohhh ♪
660
00:27:33,918 --> 00:27:35,988
♪ This is my song tonight ♪
661
00:27:38,056 --> 00:27:41,486
♪ This is my song tonight ♪
662
00:27:41,559 --> 00:27:42,689
♪ Ohh ♪
663
00:27:46,030 --> 00:27:48,570
♪
664
00:27:51,069 --> 00:27:52,739
♪ Oh ♪
665
00:28:00,879 --> 00:28:04,819
♪
666
00:28:16,494 --> 00:28:18,264
♪ Ohh ♪
667
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:22,301
♪ Tonight I'm dancin' ♪
668
00:28:22,351 --> 00:28:26,901
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