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1
00:00:26,789 --> 00:00:29,940
- You're up early.
- I didn't have much choice.
2
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:32,503
Why don't you ask her to turn it down?
3
00:00:32,549 --> 00:00:35,825
- How do you know it's a woman?
- Saw her moving in.
4
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,429
- What's she like?
- I only saw her hands and her feet,
5
00:00:38,469 --> 00:00:40,380
she was carrying a wardrobe.
6
00:00:40,429 --> 00:00:42,226
Seemed like a nice person.
7
00:00:43,269 --> 00:00:46,147
- Surely you should be asking her?
- No.
8
00:00:46,189 --> 00:00:48,498
I'll do it.
9
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:51,017
Never get involved with your neighbours.
10
00:00:51,069 --> 00:00:53,060
They're all nutters.
11
00:00:53,109 --> 00:00:56,658
Like that fella opposite,
keeps moving my doormat.
12
00:00:56,709 --> 00:00:59,223
- I'm not sure he does.
- He moves it!
13
00:00:59,269 --> 00:01:02,705
Bit to the left, bit to the right -
sometimes in the middle of the hall.
14
00:01:02,749 --> 00:01:05,217
- But why?
- Because he's a nutter.
15
00:01:05,269 --> 00:01:09,945
They all are. If you want my advice,
don't even nod at them in the lifts.
16
00:01:09,989 --> 00:01:12,457
What if they're really friendly?
17
00:01:13,869 --> 00:01:16,064
Just... be ignorant.
18
00:01:17,229 --> 00:01:20,824
Something really bad
must have happened to you once.
19
00:01:20,869 --> 00:01:23,337
No, and I aim to keep it that way.
20
00:01:26,029 --> 00:01:30,705
We used to have a really mad neighbour,
worked for the water board.
21
00:01:30,749 --> 00:01:35,777
He used to have loads of pens
in his top pocket - about seven or eight!
22
00:01:39,989 --> 00:01:42,708
- Yeah?
- You only need one pen.
23
00:01:45,109 --> 00:01:48,146
What's the connection with the water board?
24
00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:50,066
That was his job.
25
00:01:51,109 --> 00:01:53,100
Eight pens!
26
00:01:56,269 --> 00:01:57,987
Nutter!
27
00:02:03,469 --> 00:02:05,983
Ooh, baby, I'm so hot for youl
28
00:02:06,029 --> 00:02:07,985
Oh...
29
00:02:08,029 --> 00:02:10,020
Ooh, so big.
30
00:02:10,069 --> 00:02:12,788
Oh, you're a stayer, ain't ya?
31
00:02:12,829 --> 00:02:15,787
Three hours, you naughty boyl
32
00:02:15,829 --> 00:02:17,421
Ooh...
33
00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:23,299
Why don't you bang on the wall?.
34
00:02:23,349 --> 00:02:25,863
Because this is the 21st century.
35
00:02:25,909 --> 00:02:31,506
If I'm hungry I don't dig a pit
and wait for a dozy mammoth to stroll by.
36
00:02:31,549 --> 00:02:34,666
Psychology. You ignore them.
They don't like that.
37
00:02:36,229 --> 00:02:41,019
As a lifeguard you learn there's more
than one way of controlling a pool.
38
00:02:41,069 --> 00:02:43,503
That's why you're in the big chair.
39
00:02:43,549 --> 00:02:47,144
Oh. I thought that was
to protect you from splashing.
40
00:02:47,189 --> 00:02:49,578
No.
41
00:02:50,589 --> 00:02:52,386
See?
42
00:02:52,429 --> 00:02:54,101
Willpower.
43
00:02:55,149 --> 00:02:59,381
The only danger now is if she surrenders
entirely to my civilising force.
44
00:03:04,789 --> 00:03:08,065
I'm in a nightclub!
45
00:03:08,109 --> 00:03:10,100
A nightclub!
46
00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:12,868
No, I'm not eating - I'm off my face!
47
00:03:12,909 --> 00:03:15,981
Look, hold on a sec, I'll go outside.
48
00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:18,226
Hang on!
49
00:03:18,269 --> 00:03:20,464
Excuse me. Excuse me.
50
00:03:21,509 --> 00:03:23,340
Hi, Jules.
51
00:03:23,389 --> 00:03:25,539
Jules? Just a friend.
52
00:03:25,589 --> 00:03:27,181
A friend!
53
00:03:27,229 --> 00:03:29,538
That's better, I can hear you now.
54
00:03:29,589 --> 00:03:34,185
Yeah, no, I'm fine! I've been having
a great time since we, um...
55
00:03:34,229 --> 00:03:37,460
You know? How about you?
You seeing anyone?
56
00:03:39,149 --> 00:03:41,709
Right, right... Me?
57
00:03:41,749 --> 00:03:43,944
Nothing serious, you know.
58
00:03:44,989 --> 00:03:46,900
Um, well...
59
00:03:48,029 --> 00:03:50,862
Oh, the club? It's called...
60
00:03:51,909 --> 00:03:54,025
Schindlers. Hang on a sec.
61
00:03:54,069 --> 00:03:58,460
I'm really sorry about the music,
it's my ex-boyfriend, you know?
62
00:03:58,509 --> 00:04:01,626
It's really difficult
at the moment with him.
63
00:04:01,669 --> 00:04:05,264
I've got to go, you're cracking up. Bastard.
64
00:04:07,389 --> 00:04:12,543
So, er, Karen,
you've never done any acting before?
65
00:04:12,589 --> 00:04:14,580
No.
66
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:19,425
So this'll be your first time, er, performing?
67
00:04:19,469 --> 00:04:21,300
Yeah.
68
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,817
OK, don't be nervous.
69
00:04:24,869 --> 00:04:26,666
I'm not nervous.
70
00:04:26,709 --> 00:04:29,143
Right. Good.
71
00:04:29,189 --> 00:04:31,828
Well, you've got your script.
72
00:04:33,429 --> 00:04:37,422
Right, pretend this is Oxford Street,
you're out shopping.
73
00:04:37,469 --> 00:04:39,824
All right, ladies!
74
00:04:39,869 --> 00:04:43,066
Come and get your perfume,
I've got all the brand names!
75
00:04:43,109 --> 00:04:46,863
Calvin Klein, Est�e Lauder, Chanel -
three for a tenner!
76
00:04:46,909 --> 00:04:50,299
Three for a tenner? That's cheap.
Is it really Calvin Klein?
77
00:04:50,349 --> 00:04:52,226
Course it is, sweetheart.
78
00:04:52,269 --> 00:04:55,102
I'm not stupid -
these cost a fortune!
79
00:04:55,149 --> 00:04:58,221
I told you, no improvising.
Stick to the script.
80
00:04:58,269 --> 00:05:00,658
Is it really Calvin Klein?
81
00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:04,065
- Course it is, sweetheart.
- They must be stolen.
82
00:05:04,109 --> 00:05:08,819
Nah, I'm a mate of Calvin's.
I'm doing him a favour - no VAT.
83
00:05:08,869 --> 00:05:10,905
No, I'm not doing that.
84
00:05:11,949 --> 00:05:14,747
- Do the line.
- I can't say that.
85
00:05:14,789 --> 00:05:16,620
Read it out.
86
00:05:16,669 --> 00:05:21,299
Oh, thank you so much,
now I will smell better for less money.
87
00:05:39,789 --> 00:05:42,383
You look a bit wet, Vince. You fall in?
88
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:44,340
Yeah, yeah, I fell in.
89
00:05:44,389 --> 00:05:48,428
I've never noticed the
30-metre wet patch in front of me!
90
00:05:49,629 --> 00:05:51,426
Huh?
91
00:05:51,469 --> 00:05:53,937
I didn't fall in, I got splashed.
92
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,500
You should be more careful.
93
00:05:57,549 --> 00:06:02,020
It's better than being caught
with three bikinis in your locker.
94
00:06:04,309 --> 00:06:06,743
That's right, buddy, you walk away.
95
00:06:06,789 --> 00:06:09,826
There's only room
for one arse in this chair.
96
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,746
No, that's not right.
97
00:06:14,029 --> 00:06:18,898
I don't care what colour
you paint the kitchen - nobody cares!
98
00:06:20,949 --> 00:06:22,940
I know that lion!
99
00:06:22,989 --> 00:06:27,062
I've seen that lion before!
Show some other bleedin' lions!
100
00:06:27,109 --> 00:06:31,182
- Up next on four...
- Oh, lovely!
101
00:06:31,229 --> 00:06:34,346
Another queer! Thanks very much!
102
00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:39,104
Oh, mate!
103
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:43,142
Can you do me a favour and turn me
Walkman up? I love this track.
104
00:06:44,189 --> 00:06:47,261
Don't even nod at them in the lifts.
105
00:06:47,309 --> 00:06:49,186
Can you turn it up for us?
106
00:06:50,189 --> 00:06:55,217
I really love this track!
Can you turn it up, please!
107
00:07:06,429 --> 00:07:08,499
Oh! Oh...
108
00:07:08,549 --> 00:07:11,541
Dirty... dirty bastard!
109
00:07:11,589 --> 00:07:15,104
Come on, Brian,
it's not rocket science.
110
00:07:15,149 --> 00:07:18,141
That's easy! Everyone knows that!
111
00:07:18,189 --> 00:07:22,341
He invaded Poland! Moron!
112
00:07:22,389 --> 00:07:27,019
Having a great timel How about
you at home - having a good time?I
113
00:07:27,069 --> 00:07:30,744
I'm not having a good time
and do you know why?!
114
00:07:30,789 --> 00:07:35,021
Cos I only slept with two women
in my entire life
115
00:07:35,069 --> 00:07:36,468
and it's not enough!
116
00:07:48,429 --> 00:07:50,624
Oi, stop that.
117
00:07:50,669 --> 00:07:52,466
- What?
- Those noises.
118
00:07:52,509 --> 00:07:55,501
It don't say anything on the board about it.
119
00:07:55,549 --> 00:08:00,225
It doesn't say anything about Viking funerals
but we don't allow them either.
120
00:08:03,029 --> 00:08:05,020
You having problems?
121
00:08:06,429 --> 00:08:07,862
No.
122
00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:11,299
If you can't handle the deep end
I could take over.
123
00:08:11,349 --> 00:08:13,658
You can't stop them making noises.
124
00:08:13,709 --> 00:08:17,099
Sometimes you gotta be a bit unorthodox.
125
00:08:17,149 --> 00:08:20,141
Remind them they're playing by your rules.
126
00:08:20,189 --> 00:08:24,740
- You watch a prison film last night?
- No. I watched Flubber.
127
00:08:24,789 --> 00:08:26,507
Stupid.
128
00:08:44,869 --> 00:08:46,587
Go on, out.
129
00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:51,259
You can't stay here
making fart noises all afternoon.
130
00:08:53,309 --> 00:08:56,699
- That wasn't very good.
- I'll get my dad on you.
131
00:08:56,749 --> 00:08:59,821
- You haven't got a dad.
- Yes, I have!
132
00:08:59,869 --> 00:09:01,860
Not at home.
133
00:09:07,229 --> 00:09:09,948
No, Mr Foley, it wasn't like that.
134
00:09:11,829 --> 00:09:15,219
How am I supposed to know
if he's got a dad or not?
135
00:09:16,349 --> 00:09:19,341
Well, in future I'll just let them
do what they want.
136
00:09:21,349 --> 00:09:24,819
Yeah, like I'm scared
of a bunch of ten-year-olds.
137
00:09:26,909 --> 00:09:30,697
I know you don't need this.
You're a very busy man.
138
00:09:30,749 --> 00:09:35,061
Organising swimathons,
getting the hot chocolate machine fixed.
139
00:09:35,109 --> 00:09:39,307
No, I mean it! I really admire
the way you order all that chlorine.
140
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,219
Hiya, I'm Zara.
141
00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:48,299
Could you do us a bit of a favour?
142
00:09:49,549 --> 00:09:54,498
I'm a bit colour-blind.
I need to know - is that blue?
143
00:09:56,309 --> 00:09:59,460
- No.
- Oh! Thank God for that!
144
00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:01,579
- I'm not pregnant.
- No.
145
00:10:01,629 --> 00:10:03,540
Well...
146
00:10:12,189 --> 00:10:14,623
Here, nuts?
147
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:20,261
What's the matter with you? Allergic?
148
00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:24,062
That is very bad.
149
00:10:24,109 --> 00:10:26,100
Feel sorry for you, man.
150
00:10:27,149 --> 00:10:31,142
Yeah... I love these nuts.
151
00:10:31,189 --> 00:10:34,465
Just... be ignorant.
152
00:10:38,069 --> 00:10:40,219
This floor is sticky.
153
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:46,227
Hey, why don't you talk to me?
154
00:10:47,309 --> 00:10:49,265
Are you a racist?
155
00:10:49,309 --> 00:10:51,777
No, I was just being ignorant!
156
00:11:07,309 --> 00:11:09,106
Ohh...
157
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:36,583
- This Gandhi bloke is amazing.
- Yes, Gandhi!
158
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,189
- Cheers to Gandhi.
- Cheers to Gandhi!
159
00:11:39,229 --> 00:11:41,823
- Gandhi ji.
- Gandhi ji!
160
00:11:49,949 --> 00:11:53,783
Be the change you want to see in the world.
161
00:11:54,869 --> 00:11:56,268
Gandhi.
162
00:11:56,309 --> 00:11:58,379
Saw a film last night.
163
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,461
Gotta clean up the sticky patch by the lifts.
164
00:12:02,509 --> 00:12:04,500
What, cos you saw a film?
165
00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:08,098
Be the change you want to see in the world.
166
00:12:08,149 --> 00:12:10,458
So easily influenced, aren't you?
167
00:12:10,509 --> 00:12:15,025
Shame you didn't see Mrs Doubtfire,
could've cleaned it up hours ago.
168
00:12:16,589 --> 00:12:19,149
- What was that?
- Another banger.
169
00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:23,228
- Didn't you hear them in the night?
- No, I was drinking rum.
170
00:12:23,269 --> 00:12:26,864
Oh, it's these kids,
they're trying to get back at me.
171
00:12:26,909 --> 00:12:30,902
I happened to say that...
Oh, it doesn't matter.
172
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,058
- That was a rocket!
- Mm.
173
00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:37,703
There's a very clear pattern forming here.
174
00:12:38,749 --> 00:12:42,298
- Explosions, dog poo, fireworks.
- What happens next?
175
00:12:42,349 --> 00:12:45,182
No idea, it's one of them random patterns.
176
00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:49,461
Could be my phone number
on a toilet door offering relief or...
177
00:12:49,509 --> 00:12:53,263
amputation of a favourite limb. It's that random.
178
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:06,427
Shit. Shit. Shit.
179
00:13:06,469 --> 00:13:08,903
Shit. Shit.
180
00:13:08,949 --> 00:13:10,177
Shit.
181
00:13:10,549 --> 00:13:11,948
Shit.
182
00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:25,779
Directory inquiries, which town, please?
183
00:13:25,829 --> 00:13:29,105
I've got half a number,
I just can't remember the rest.
184
00:13:29,149 --> 00:13:32,937
- Without a name I can't help.
- You might recognise it.
185
00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:37,221
- I hear millions of numbers.
- But it's the one off the, er...
186
00:13:37,269 --> 00:13:40,545
0891 diddle-a
diddle-a diddle-a.
187
00:13:40,589 --> 00:13:42,864
Yeah, that does sound familiar.
188
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:46,504
0891 diddle-a
diddle-a diddle-a.
189
00:13:46,549 --> 00:13:52,385
- The number you require is...
- 0891212324.
190
00:14:05,829 --> 00:14:09,663
Be the change you want to see in the world.
191
00:14:10,789 --> 00:14:13,098
Hiya, just cleaning this mess up.
192
00:14:13,149 --> 00:14:15,140
Yeah, I can see that.
193
00:14:15,189 --> 00:14:18,101
You're the caretaker, aren't you?
194
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:22,188
What if someone slips on that patch
and breaks their leg?
195
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:25,982
- Go to the hospital.
- After that.
196
00:14:26,029 --> 00:14:30,784
Mm, come home, friends come round,
write their names on the plaster...
197
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:33,787
No, no, no, they sue the council.
198
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:37,504
The council blames me, I say "It wasn't me,"
199
00:14:37,549 --> 00:14:39,540
they say "why not?" I say...
200
00:14:39,589 --> 00:14:43,821
- I'll make sure it's dry.
- No, that's a ten grand claim there.
201
00:14:43,869 --> 00:14:46,429
That wet patch is like a blank cheque.
202
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:51,906
- What was there before?
- Sticky goo. Like syrup.
203
00:14:51,949 --> 00:14:55,988
Right, you go down the shops, get some syrup
204
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,304
and pour it in exactly the same spot.
205
00:14:59,389 --> 00:15:03,507
- Just thought I'd help out.
- Who do you think you are? Sting?
206
00:15:04,549 --> 00:15:06,938
No, I'm... I'm Gandhi.
207
00:15:08,629 --> 00:15:11,382
Yeah, yeah, it is a bit windy. Mm.
208
00:15:11,429 --> 00:15:14,102
Well, it might clear up... I don't know.
209
00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:16,743
Don't you wanna know what I'm wearing?
210
00:15:16,789 --> 00:15:20,828
Nol No, I just like chatting.
Have you heard that new David Gray CD?
211
00:15:20,869 --> 00:15:23,906
- It's bloody excellent.
- It's all right.
212
00:15:23,949 --> 00:15:27,578
So you don't wanna try
and meet me, then, and drug me?
213
00:15:27,629 --> 00:15:29,426
What? No.
214
00:15:29,469 --> 00:15:33,985
Er, um... so you've got all your clothes on
and you just wanna chat?
215
00:15:34,029 --> 00:15:35,428
Aye, that's right.
216
00:15:35,469 --> 00:15:37,744
You're not gonna try and pester me
217
00:15:37,789 --> 00:15:42,340
and photograph me in the woods
with my knickers draped on the hedge?
218
00:15:42,389 --> 00:15:43,947
Nol
219
00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:45,786
Hello?
220
00:15:49,589 --> 00:15:52,661
Hiya! Did you have a party last night?
221
00:15:53,389 --> 00:15:56,381
No. No, it's these kids,
they're trying to, um...
222
00:15:56,429 --> 00:15:58,784
They... Um, it doesn't matter.
223
00:15:58,829 --> 00:16:03,107
Thanks for helping me out yesterday.
I was just really worried.
224
00:16:03,149 --> 00:16:07,461
I've just split up with my boyfriend
and I wanna start a new life.
225
00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:10,103
New friends, a...
226
00:16:10,149 --> 00:16:13,027
- Not very good with blue lines, are you?
- What?
227
00:16:13,069 --> 00:16:17,699
You're wearing a blue armband,
should've been out of the pool half an hour ago.
228
00:16:20,749 --> 00:16:23,468
Staff announcement. Message for Vince.
229
00:16:23,509 --> 00:16:25,579
Mum smells and Dad wears a bra.
230
00:16:26,749 --> 00:16:29,468
Sorry, Vince, I've just been handed this.
231
00:16:37,349 --> 00:16:40,102
Why do you have to do this sort of thing?!
232
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:44,142
The caretaker told me to, because people break
their legs to get money off the council.
233
00:16:44,189 --> 00:16:46,987
- Drugs, is it?
- You don't understand...
234
00:16:47,029 --> 00:16:50,419
I don't! You just want
to spoil everything for everyone!
235
00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:53,267
Scratching cars and weeing in the lifts.
236
00:16:53,309 --> 00:16:55,504
No, I can't go in public!
237
00:16:55,549 --> 00:16:59,144
I have to use a cubicle.
I can't go with people around.
238
00:16:59,189 --> 00:17:01,703
You are sick.
239
00:17:01,749 --> 00:17:04,946
Staff announcement. Message for Vince.
240
00:17:04,989 --> 00:17:07,549
You lick men's cock... Oh, sorry, Vince.
241
00:17:07,589 --> 00:17:11,104
Must remember to look at these
before I read 'em out.
242
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:06,341
Oh, you naughty boy.
243
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:08,584
Have you had a bit of an accident?
244
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:10,745
Mm, syrup.
245
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:12,825
I love syrup...
246
00:18:12,869 --> 00:18:14,985
No, don't touch that, please.
247
00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:19,466
Don't be silly, I wasn't
going to eat it off the floor.
248
00:18:19,509 --> 00:18:21,659
Do you know how I am?
249
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,108
No.
250
00:18:23,149 --> 00:18:26,505
- Really?
- I haven't a clue.
251
00:18:26,549 --> 00:18:29,780
I... I think you've got something in your hair.
252
00:18:29,829 --> 00:18:33,378
No, it's naturally shiny.
253
00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:35,499
No, I think it's a ring-pull.
254
00:18:39,669 --> 00:18:41,660
I think you've got it.
255
00:18:41,709 --> 00:18:45,145
Those bloody things get everywhere.
256
00:18:45,189 --> 00:18:48,067
Oi! Get off and milk it!
257
00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:51,624
I'm walking. You can only say that
if I'm on a bike.
258
00:18:51,669 --> 00:18:55,139
- Your wheel's going round!
- I haven't got a bike.
259
00:18:55,189 --> 00:18:57,498
- Bitch!
- Slapper!
260
00:18:57,549 --> 00:19:00,586
- I'm a bloke!
- Short arse! Midget!
261
00:19:00,629 --> 00:19:04,144
I'm six foot one! I don't mind
insults if they're accurate.
262
00:19:04,189 --> 00:19:07,261
- Baldy!
- I'm not bald.
263
00:19:07,309 --> 00:19:09,106
- Spamhead.
- Egghead!
264
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,868
You can only say that
if I haven't got any hair.
265
00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:15,982
- He looks like Ian Beale!
- He's not bald either!
266
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:19,624
- Baldy!
- I'm not bald!
267
00:19:19,669 --> 00:19:21,387
Baldy!
268
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,582
- Where's my matches?
- By the phone.
269
00:19:25,629 --> 00:19:28,348
- Tobacco?
- On the table.
270
00:19:28,389 --> 00:19:31,825
- What about my bus pass?
- In your pocket.
271
00:19:31,869 --> 00:19:34,702
- Keys?
- There.
272
00:19:36,549 --> 00:19:39,268
- What's for dinner?
- Macaroni cheese.
273
00:19:39,309 --> 00:19:41,459
- Any veg?
- No.
274
00:19:41,509 --> 00:19:43,784
- Pudding?
- Ice cream.
275
00:19:45,509 --> 00:19:48,307
- How's your mum?
- Improving.
276
00:19:48,349 --> 00:19:51,182
- Colin?
- Can't get hold of him.
277
00:19:51,229 --> 00:19:54,027
- Tried work?
- Yeah.
278
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,060
- Mobile?
- Yeah.
279
00:19:56,109 --> 00:19:58,304
- Home?
- Yeah.
280
00:20:00,229 --> 00:20:02,618
- Taped This Is Your Life?
- Yeah.
281
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,502
- Who was it?
- Garth someone.
282
00:20:05,549 --> 00:20:08,347
- Good?
- All right.
283
00:20:08,389 --> 00:20:10,380
Where's my matches?
284
00:20:28,669 --> 00:20:32,457
Ohh, that's beautiful.
What was it like before?
285
00:20:32,509 --> 00:20:34,101
What?
286
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:37,141
- Can I touch it?
- No! What?
287
00:20:37,189 --> 00:20:39,180
Your hair. Does it come off?
288
00:20:39,229 --> 00:20:41,618
Get... out!
289
00:20:43,429 --> 00:20:45,226
I don't...
290
00:20:50,669 --> 00:20:52,466
What?!
291
00:20:58,149 --> 00:21:02,347
I can't help you! It's a wind-up. This is real!
292
00:21:02,389 --> 00:21:06,587
It's these kids, they're trying...
I'm not bald!
293
00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:13,103
- You finished?
- Yep.
294
00:21:14,509 --> 00:21:17,069
- What was that?
- Macaroni cheese.
295
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:21,227
Macaroni cheese?
You'd think a dish called macaroni cheese
296
00:21:21,269 --> 00:21:24,705
would have an equal amount
of macaroni and cheese.
297
00:21:24,749 --> 00:21:30,745
What you cooked should be called
macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni
298
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:35,704
macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni
macaroni macaroni macaroni cheese
299
00:21:35,749 --> 00:21:40,027
macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni
macaroni macaroni.
300
00:21:40,069 --> 00:21:44,460
What I want is cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese
301
00:21:44,509 --> 00:21:48,980
cheese cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese macaroni
302
00:21:49,029 --> 00:21:54,183
cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese cheese.
303
00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:57,505
All right, I'll do it
with more cheese next time.
304
00:21:57,549 --> 00:22:00,427
- Ta. What's for pudding?
- Spotted dick.
305
00:22:03,549 --> 00:22:05,540
Mmm...
306
00:22:18,829 --> 00:22:22,947
I'd better be going.
Er, can I get my syrup back, please?
307
00:22:22,989 --> 00:22:27,779
Don't go, don't go!
You haven't finished your drink yet.
308
00:22:27,829 --> 00:22:30,184
I don't really like Greek liqueurs.
309
00:22:30,229 --> 00:22:32,060
Sorry, ran out of tea.
310
00:22:32,109 --> 00:22:36,466
Let's have a conversation,
we might have something in common.
311
00:22:36,509 --> 00:22:39,103
- Do you get asthma?
- No.
312
00:22:39,149 --> 00:22:43,142
I mean, you might have
seen something I've been in.
313
00:22:43,189 --> 00:22:46,101
- Oh.
- A film. Hm.
314
00:22:46,149 --> 00:22:50,222
- No.
- Shaken not stirred, Mr Bond.
315
00:22:54,349 --> 00:22:56,943
Look, I've sprayed my finger.
316
00:22:56,989 --> 00:22:58,786
No, sorry, it's...
317
00:22:58,829 --> 00:23:03,061
- Maybe if do the whole thing?
- What you doing? You can't...
318
00:23:03,109 --> 00:23:06,181
do... Oh... What...?
319
00:23:06,229 --> 00:23:09,505
Careful, you'll get paint in your eyes if you...
320
00:23:09,549 --> 00:23:12,109
- I've done it before!
- Oh, right.
321
00:23:12,149 --> 00:23:14,982
Oh, come on, you must know now!
322
00:23:15,029 --> 00:23:18,305
- I really don't know, I'm sorry!
- You must know!
323
00:23:18,349 --> 00:23:22,137
- Who?
- I'll put some music on.
324
00:23:22,189 --> 00:23:24,749
I really wanna know who you are, I do.
325
00:23:26,349 --> 00:23:29,546
Oh, Mr Bond!
326
00:23:29,589 --> 00:23:32,945
Oh, right, from the film
on the bed with the paint.
327
00:23:32,989 --> 00:23:36,265
- Yes! What took you so long?
- You're green.
328
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:39,740
I ran out of gold.
329
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,420
I know you're down here!
330
00:23:54,829 --> 00:23:56,626
This has got to stop.
331
00:23:56,669 --> 00:23:58,466
We need to meet.
332
00:23:58,509 --> 00:24:00,306
Sort this out.
333
00:24:00,349 --> 00:24:02,180
Where?
334
00:24:03,309 --> 00:24:06,984
King's Head, saloon bar? Eight o'clock?
335
00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:09,907
That'll be a bit difficult for us, stupid.
336
00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:12,541
OK.
337
00:24:13,589 --> 00:24:16,149
The Burger Box, half five.
338
00:24:17,189 --> 00:24:22,741
Spot spot spot spot spot spot spot
spot spot spot spot spot spot dick
339
00:24:22,789 --> 00:24:26,498
spot spot spot spot
spot spot spot spot.
340
00:24:26,549 --> 00:24:29,188
What I want is dick dick dick dick
341
00:24:29,229 --> 00:24:32,380
dick dick dick dick dick dick dick few spots
342
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:35,819
dick dick dick dick dick
dick dick dick dick.
343
00:24:37,389 --> 00:24:40,825
All right, I'll do it
with a bit more dick next time.
344
00:24:45,949 --> 00:24:48,224
All right, see you later. Laters.
345
00:24:50,269 --> 00:24:53,181
All right? I'm Vince.
346
00:24:53,229 --> 00:24:55,060
- I'm Lee.
- Bradley.
347
00:24:55,109 --> 00:24:57,304
Carl, Don't Say Much, and Fatboy.
348
00:24:57,349 --> 00:24:59,738
- How do.
- Not having a Coke?
349
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:01,700
I don't like sweet things.
350
00:25:01,749 --> 00:25:05,219
- Deep voice. You sure he's ten?
- Don't start!
351
00:25:06,269 --> 00:25:07,941
OK.
352
00:25:07,989 --> 00:25:11,868
So I think things have got
a bit out of hand, haven't they?
353
00:25:11,909 --> 00:25:13,706
How do we end this feud?
354
00:25:13,749 --> 00:25:16,422
- What's a feud?
- A disagreement.
355
00:25:16,469 --> 00:25:19,620
- Will an apology do?
- What's an apology?
356
00:25:19,669 --> 00:25:23,423
- It means you're sorry.
- That's no good! We want some stuff!
357
00:25:23,469 --> 00:25:26,506
- Yeah. Booze, fags...
- And a grenade.
358
00:25:26,549 --> 00:25:29,222
- I can't get you a grenade!
- Crossbow?
359
00:25:29,269 --> 00:25:31,066
No, no weapons.
360
00:25:31,109 --> 00:25:34,499
- I'll pay for you to go to the fair.
- Yeah!
361
00:25:34,549 --> 00:25:36,107
No!
362
00:25:36,149 --> 00:25:40,825
I went to the fair once.
They said, "D'you wanna go on a scary ride?"
363
00:25:40,869 --> 00:25:45,340
I said, "I don't need to,
I came on the bus with my mother."
364
00:25:45,389 --> 00:25:46,868
Bollocks!
365
00:25:48,469 --> 00:25:51,142
- Where d'you wanna go?
- Lisbon!
366
00:25:51,189 --> 00:25:54,067
- What's that?
- Capital city of Portugal.
367
00:25:54,109 --> 00:25:56,100
I wanna go to a film festival
368
00:25:56,149 --> 00:26:00,461
and stay at t'Boa Vista Hotel
with its legendary facilities.
369
00:26:00,509 --> 00:26:02,579
No! That's boring.
370
00:26:02,629 --> 00:26:05,860
You can't go to Lisbon, or have booze or fags.
371
00:26:05,909 --> 00:26:11,142
Tell you what, I'll buy you a Happy Meal
and... take you to the cinema.
372
00:26:11,189 --> 00:26:14,784
On the condition
you don't hassle me or call me baldy.
373
00:26:14,829 --> 00:26:17,343
Can we have a moment, son? Thank you.
374
00:26:21,069 --> 00:26:22,946
All right, right.
375
00:26:22,989 --> 00:26:26,026
I've discussed it with my associates and...
376
00:26:26,069 --> 00:26:29,425
it's a unanimous decision -
on these conditions.
377
00:26:29,469 --> 00:26:32,825
The Happy Meal must have
a vegetarian option.
378
00:26:32,869 --> 00:26:39,945
And the movie must be something from
the Kubrick retrospective at the NFT.
379
00:26:39,989 --> 00:26:43,265
Great. So, er, what am I?
380
00:26:43,309 --> 00:26:45,106
Not bald.
381
00:26:45,149 --> 00:26:48,585
- Oh, I can't hear you.
- Not bald!
382
00:26:48,629 --> 00:26:50,301
Hm. Pardon?
383
00:26:50,349 --> 00:26:53,580
Listen, son, you've got the mane of Samson.
384
00:26:53,629 --> 00:26:58,305
You could be the lead in a Timotei ad.
From behind I thought you were Fabio!
385
00:26:58,349 --> 00:27:01,546
- Now, can we go?!
- All right, keep it down.
386
00:27:02,629 --> 00:27:04,824
- You're embarrassing me.
- So?
387
00:27:07,109 --> 00:27:09,100
- Already?
- Yeah.
388
00:27:09,149 --> 00:27:12,505
- I thought it was earlier.
- No.
389
00:27:14,509 --> 00:27:17,069
- Been raining?
- Yeah.
390
00:27:18,109 --> 00:27:20,669
- Heavy?
- No.
391
00:27:23,709 --> 00:27:26,507
- Is the heating on?
- Mm.
392
00:27:28,149 --> 00:27:30,947
- Can I sit next to you?
- No.
393
00:27:32,509 --> 00:27:34,704
- Fancy a kiss?
- No.
394
00:27:34,749 --> 00:27:37,217
- Cuddle?
- Hm.
395
00:27:41,709 --> 00:27:43,620
Sex?
396
00:27:43,669 --> 00:27:45,546
All right.
397
00:27:45,589 --> 00:27:47,944
- What position?
- Normal.
398
00:27:47,989 --> 00:27:50,787
- What about doggy?
- Don't mind.
399
00:27:50,829 --> 00:27:52,820
Doggy, then.
400
00:27:53,869 --> 00:27:56,144
If you like.
401
00:27:56,189 --> 00:27:58,578
- Shall I start?
- Yeah.
402
00:28:06,029 --> 00:28:08,418
Nah. The moment's passed.
403
00:28:21,749 --> 00:28:25,139
I said I'm not pregnant!
404
00:28:25,189 --> 00:28:27,419
I just thought you'd like to know!
405
00:28:27,469 --> 00:28:29,699
I'm at the opera!
406
00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:32,547
The opera!
407
00:28:32,589 --> 00:28:34,739
Of course it's shit!
408
00:28:39,509 --> 00:28:41,739
You said you didn't bang on walls.
409
00:28:41,789 --> 00:28:45,384
You know when you see a film and for a couple
of hours you're the main character?
410
00:28:45,429 --> 00:28:47,226
Yeah.
411
00:28:49,109 --> 00:28:51,304
I've just seen The Shining.
412
00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:55,904
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