All language subtitles for The Munsters s02e09 John Doe Munster

How's the market?
Not so good.

International Pine Box
closed at a new low.

American Tombstone
toppled from its high point...

and now the government is threatening
to slap a lid on International Casket.

Well, never mind, Grandpa, remember,
everything that's down has to go up.

And by the same token, everything
that's up has to go down...

which is what keeps
Herman in business.

Is Pop home yet? Not yet, dear.
But be patient.

He'll be home in two shakes
of a werewolf's tail.

And when he does come home,
we'll let you know.

Why is Eddie so anxious for
Uncle Herman to come home?

Well, because
Herman's his father...

and he loves him, respects him, and
looks up to him with great admiration.

Yeah, and on top of that...

he promised to stop off
downtown and buy me a new kite.

Okay, come on up.

Up: up' up'

(man #1)
That's it, higher.

Okay.

Hank, watch out!
The rope's gonna break!

Don't move, we'll call an ambulance.
Ambulance?

Thank you, you're very kind,
sir, but I feel fine.

Impossible, it flattened
your head like a pancake.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I never felt better.

Mister, don't be so confident.
Wait till you look in a mirror.

Just look at him.

We'd better get his name
before he kicks the bucket.

I don't know
what's keeping him up.

What's your name, mister?
My name?

My name is...

My name?

That's funny, I haven't got
the vaguest idea.

My name is...

Herman is three hours late. What
could have happened to him?

Maybe the store
was all out of kites...

and he's too ashamed
to face me.

No, he's had an accident.

There's no other explanation.
My Hermie has had an accident.

Lily, don't be so pessimistic.

Well, all I know is I wish he'd hurry
up and get home to give me my new kite.

Eddie, I wish you'd stop worrying
about your stupid kite...

and start worrying
about your stupid father.

Eddie, your father
wouldn't let you down.

Even if he was lying dead someplace,
he'd be thoughtful enough to phone.

8:30 and where's Big Daddy?

8:30, it's time
for my favorite TV program.

It's all about that crazy,
mixed-up family...

that's always having those
weird, fantastic adventures.

(male announcer) We delay the
start of Nb; Three Sons...

to bring you
this special bulletin.

Local police have taken an amnesia
victim into protective custody.

Here is a picture
of the amnesia victim.

Anyone who can
identify this man...

is urged to contact police
headquarters immediately.

Well, that's not
John Doe, that's Pop.

[sighs]

Uncle Herman has amnesia.
My poor, poor darling.

Lily, be calm. Herman is
safe and in good hands.

And you and I will go down to claim
him, right after My Three Sons.

No, we won't, we'll go
down and claim him now.

Grandpa, you go
and get your cloak.

Yes, Professor. Yes,
we'll check them both out.

Thank you for
being good citizens.

That, Officer Kugel,
was the university.

Two of their scientists saw a picture
of John Doe on television...

and each got a theory.

One figures he's a creature
from outer space.

And the other?

The other figures
he's a missing link...

but he can't figure
what he's a link to.

[laughing]

Sarge, do you see what I see?

Look at their complexions,
they're green. What are they?

I don't know...

but if they were fish, the Board of
Health wouldn't let you sell them.

(Sergeant) Good evening,
what can I do for you?

Well, you can direct us to
the Lost and Found Department.

What did you lose, Pops,
your marbles? No.

We lost my husband and his
son-in-law, Herman Munster.

Alias John Doe.

A John Doe?

He's ours, and we want him back.
Why?

Officer Kugel, shut up
and bring in John Doe.

Now, you must remember
that amnesia is very delicate.

If you just tell the victim who he
is, like a bolt out of the blue...

you're liable to shock him
into a psychological trance.

So just wait for him
to recognize you.

Okay?
Okay,

Sergeant, do you know
how he got amnesia?

He got hit on the head
with a 300-pound safe.

I see.

Oh, hi.

John, this is Mrs. Munster,
and her father.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Hi, there.
Hi.

Do they look familiar?

I've never seen these
people before in my life.

[sighs]

Steady, Lily, be brave.

Are you sure?
I'm positive.

I'd remember a cute little
cookie like Mrs. Munster.

Okay, Kugel, take him back.

Shall we go?
Sure. Come on.

It's been very nice
meeting you.

Bye.

Did you ever hear the one about
the elephant and the peanut?

I'm sorry, folks. I know you'd
like to take him home with you...

but until he knows himself who he is, I
can't release him without a court order.

But he's my husband
and the father of our child.

We want him home
where he belongs.

Well, in view
of his condition...

you might try to petition the court
for legal custody of the victim.

Adoption approved.

Amy, you're a very lucky child to be
adopted by such wonderful parents.

I'm sure you'll be
a very happy family.

All right, bailiff,
next case, please.

Mrs. Lily Munster...

and John Doe.

Say, excuse me, I'm on.

Give him back his comic books.
That's all right, you can keep them.

What a nice kid.

Hello, there.

Good morning, Your Honor.

Good morn...

[clears throat]

Good morning.

This is the child?
Well, yes and no.

He's recovering
from an accident.

Oh.

Must have been a beauty.

Well, I've had people
adopt adults before...

but are you sure
you want to adopt him?

Yes, Your Honor, I am.

Yes, you see, Your Honor, she
believes that older children...

need love and guidance just
as much as younger ones do.

Just a minute, who are you? I'm
Mrs. Munster's trustworthy father.

[clears throat]

Wait a minute.

This isn't one of those
Candid Camera stunts, is it?

No, sir...

I don't think so.

Well, now,
Mrs. Munster, tell me...

have you given this
careful consideration?

Yes, Your Honor, I have.

And before you made
your final decision...

did you go to the orphanage and see what...
who else was available?

No.

No, I took one look
at John...

and I knew I couldn't
live without him.

Thanks, Mom.

John, tell me, have you
thought this thing out?

I mean, do you want to go home
with these people...

and become
a member of this family?

Can I have my own television set?
Of course, John.

You've got yourself a deal.

[clearing throat]

Well...

I see from
your financial statement...

that you're able
to take care of a ward.

The child is willing.

Okay, the adoption is granted,
on a temporary trial basis.

Bailiff, call the next case.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your Honor, what exactly do you
mean by "temporary trial basis"?

Well, if you realize
you've made a mistake...

just call me, and I'll see what I can
do about getting him in the army.

Look at that,
two happy children at play.

Nice catch, brother John.
Thank you, brother Eddie.

[grunts]

I think the whole thing
is disgusting.

But having Uncle Herman live
here is a wonderful idea...

because we can try and help
restore his memory bit by bit...

with him living in his own
house, with his own family.

Brother Eddie, can I
try kicking one? Sure.

Thank you.

Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mommy.

Is that my new kite?

Yes, I'm just keeping
that promise made by...

somebody else.

Oh, boy. Thanks, Mom.

Mommy...

didn't you bring
a kite for me?

No, dear, but I'm sure
Eddie will let you fly his.

I don't want to. I just
want to fly my own kite.

Well, now, John..

And besides, I think
you're playing favorites...

just because Eddie is really
yours and I'm just adopted.

John, that's not true.
You have to learn to share.

That's right, John, you see,
you're not a baby anymore...

you're 150 years old.

Mom, will you get this
old geezer off my back?

That is enough, John.
Now, run and play with Eddie.

Eddie, brother Eddie, Mommy says
I can play with the kite, too.

£J'[scatting]

Did you think he'd remember
he promised Eddie the kite?

I had hoped so, yes.

I wonder if that bum
could be faking?

Mom, may John and I be excused
to go to the dungeon?

What for?

Well, the kite doesn't fly high enough, so
we thought we'd put a longer tail on it.

I thought of it.
Congratulations.

Well, very well,
you're excused.

Finish your milk first.

Last one done
is a rotten egg.

Who won, Mommy?
It was a tie.

Darn! You're always
taking his side.

Come on.

Your elder son is
somewhat heavy on his feet.

We adopted him
10 days ago...

and his memory hasn't showed
one sign of returning.

Not only is it
not returning...

it's going in the opposite
direction, into second childhood.

Maybe he could get another hit on the head.
That cures amnesia in the movies.

Say, that's a good idea, I'll
go down and get a sledgehammer.

No!

Why not?
It's too dangerous.

You don't fool around
with a head like Herman's.

I disagree.

You give it a few good shots
with a sledgehammer...

and whatever happens
is bound to be an improvement.

Grandpa, the answer is no.

(Herman)
It is not.

(Eddie)
It is, too.

It is not.
It is, too.

It is not, not, not.

They're fighting.

Marilyn, would you please clear the
table, I'll go down and stop them.

I'll go with you.

Now I say that's perfect. Well,
I say it's still too short.

It is not.
It is, too.

It is not.
It is, too.

Is not.
ls, too.

Not.
ls, too.

It is not.
It is, too.

Boys! Now, boys.

[Herman and Eddie arguing]

What is going on here?

I have the kite, we're trying to put...
I want to make the kite...

We undid the kite and we...
See this side...

Go ahead, you tell her.

Well, you see, I wanna make the kite
tail longer, but John won't let me.

He keeps pushing me away.

You should be ashamed of yourself. A big
boy like you pushing his little brother.

He pushed me first.

I did not. I did not.
Did, too. Did, too.

Be quiet.

That is enough!

Now, if you
can't play nicely...

you both just march straight
upstairs and take your naps.

You heard your mother,
march.

Can we put on ourjammies
and watch television?

Well, yes.

Oh, boy,
peachy neato boss.

Mummy?
Yes?

I just remembered something.
You did?

I remembered I keep forgetting to ask
you whatever happened to your husband?

Well, he...

He--

Well, he's no longer with us.
That's too bad.

I sure would like a papa.

Even Captain Midnight
has a papa.

We hope he may come back someday.
I certainly hope so.

But if he doesn't...

I'm sure a keen-looking chick like you
will have no trouble in finding a new one.

Bye, Mommy.

He has just given me the idea. I'll
be able to solve this whole problem.

Will it involve any personal risk?
Not to him, just to me.

You're going to give Uncle
Herman the shock treatment?

Yes, I'm going to receive
a handsome gentleman caller...

and I'm going to let him be
very, very attentive to me...

in front of John,
I mean Herman...

in the hope that he'll be so jealous
that something inside him will snap...

and he'll remember
that he's my husband.

I see. Who is this
handsome gentleman caller?

Grandpa.
Grandpa?

Yes, you see, he's whipping up a
pill that'll turn him into...

the spitting image
of Rock Hudson.

[crashing on TV]

Eddie, naptime.

Cousin Marilyn
will tuck you in.

See you later, Mom.
Have a nice nap.

See you, brother John.
See you, brother Eddie.

I don't have to take a nap...

on account of he's only 10
and I'm 150 years old.

And because there's somebody coming
here that I want you to meet.

Goody.

If I keep my little mouth
shut, do I get a cookie?

Never mind that.

[banging on door]

Now, you wait right here.
Yes, Mommy.

N'[music playing on TV]

I thought you were
coming as Rock Hudson.

You look like
Rudolf Valentino.

I must have gotten
ahold of some old pills.

At least I'm still
in the 20th century.

Good afternoon, sonny.
Good afternoon, sir.

[bonging on TV]

This is my son, John.
John, this is...

Rudolf Smith.

How do you do, Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith and I are
very dear friends.

As a matter of fact, we're
madly in love with each other.

Do you want me to get
some cheese dip and pretzels?

No.

When Lily and I are together,
we don't think of food.

We think of moonlight
and desert breezes...

and soft, soft violins.

Right?
Right.

If you don't want some
cheese dip and pretzels...

how about some pink lemonade?

[sighing]

Hey, kid, would you hold
this for me for a while?

Lily, my Lily...

my fragrant flower
of the Sahara.

Those limpid eyes...

those ruby lips
pleading to be--

[shouting]

Will you knock it off?
I'm sorry.

Well, you should be. Can't you
see that I'm about to propose?

Honest lnjun?

Mr. Smith wants
to be my new husband.

You see...

he wants me to stop carrying the
torch for my old husband...

Herman Munster.

Who?
Herman Munster.

She said, "Herman Munster."

Say, listen, can I play
with this up in my room?

Rudolph, may as well
forget it. It's no use.

Aunt Lily!
What's the matter, Marilyn?

It's Eddie. I just went up in the room
to tuck him in, and he wasn't there.

He'd opened the window, climbed out
on the roof to fly his new kite.

Darn Eddie. Why don't I get
to do neat stuff like that?

My baby!

My baby.

[exclaims]

Eddie, go inside!
Go inside!

(Marilyn)
He's going to fall!

Will you... Be careful, Eddie!
Stand back, just move back, Eddie!

Eddie, move back!

(Lily)
No!

Eddie, stand back! Your father
orders you to stand back!

Now, Eddie, that was
a very stupid thing to do.

Now, you go straight to bed and we'll
discuss your punishment tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

Eddie.

Now, you run along.

Marilyn, you should not be outside,
dear, without your sweater on.

You'll catch cold.

Yes, Uncle Herman.

Grandpa...

I wish you'd get out of that
cockamamie costume and that makeup...

before you embarrass us
in front of all our neighbors.

He's back.

Lily.
Yes, Herman.

Might I say, dear, that
you look especially lovely?

[chuckling]

Thank you, my darling husband.

What's this whip doing here? Has Eddie
been playing with some big boy?

Yes, Herman, one of
the nicest boys I know.

No television for a week?
That is correct.

Oh, Pop.
Now, Eddie, don't complain.

It's a small price to pay
for regaining your father.

Yeah, but I was having fun
with him as my brother.

Uncle Herman?
Yes, dear.

How would you describe the way
you got your memory back?

I'd say...

[clears throat]

I'd say that family, love, and
devotion are thicker than amnesia.

Herman, you phrased that beautifully.
Thank you.

I did, didn't I?

Where's Grandpa?
He's down in the dungeon.

He's been up all night trying
to invent another pill...

that will bring him
back to normal.

But he's still
having trouble.

Good morning.

Well, all right, I'll just
have a little breakfast now...

and then I'll go down
to the lab and try again.

That might be
a very good idea.

[snickering]

Say, Grandpa.
Yes?

What's new
with Marie Antoinette?

That's very funny.

Very funny.