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1
00:00:23,078 --> 00:00:24,558
It's no good.
2
00:00:26,678 --> 00:00:28,158
I've not got the knack.
3
00:00:31,738 --> 00:00:34,197
Why is tha's a better
colour than mine?
4
00:00:34,198 --> 00:00:36,277
I'm not talking to you about washing!
5
00:00:36,278 --> 00:00:38,757
Well, he only asked, Mrs Batty.
6
00:00:38,758 --> 00:00:41,537
Yes and he only does it so he
can talk about my knickers!
7
00:00:41,538 --> 00:00:46,478
He's got no shame. I'd dry them
inside, but you never know when that insurance man's going to come.
8
00:00:51,358 --> 00:00:55,317
I don't believe it! Have you
ever seen him lift a brush before?
9
00:00:55,318 --> 00:00:56,898
Only to the rent man!
10
00:00:59,198 --> 00:01:01,757
He's going funny.
I knew it'd happen,
11
00:01:01,758 --> 00:01:05,637
him living all alone.
He wants home help.
12
00:01:05,638 --> 00:01:07,397
He's had one.
13
00:01:07,398 --> 00:01:10,117
He got her drunk on Milk Stout.
14
00:01:10,118 --> 00:01:12,498
Never dared send him one since.
15
00:01:19,958 --> 00:01:24,757
This is no job for a man,
you need a woman about the place.
16
00:01:24,758 --> 00:01:28,037
Leave thy husband.
17
00:01:28,038 --> 00:01:31,957
I'll teach you
my horse-racing system, I'll take all my bottles back.
18
00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:36,797
I know tha's married, but it's
not as if tha likes each other.
19
00:01:36,798 --> 00:01:39,837
Oh, I miss a woman's touch!
20
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:43,897
You won't in a minute!
I'll give you a swipe round th'earhole if you come closer!
21
00:01:43,898 --> 00:01:46,717
Right, you've had your chance,
Nora Batty.
22
00:01:46,718 --> 00:01:51,397
I could have brought a little
something into your drab life, a little bit of magic.
23
00:01:51,398 --> 00:01:53,718
Like... my washing.
24
00:01:55,998 --> 00:01:58,717
Oh, no! Look, it's black!
25
00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:01,097
It was my father's, this watch.
26
00:02:01,098 --> 00:02:03,237
Never mind that, look at the time.
27
00:02:03,238 --> 00:02:08,157
Railway company gave it to him,
LNER. He's late, isn't he?
28
00:02:08,158 --> 00:02:12,797
He got this and a handshake
from the district superintendent.
29
00:02:12,798 --> 00:02:15,317
Fellow with bad breath
called Hibertson.
30
00:02:15,318 --> 00:02:17,517
Never been as late as this, has he?
31
00:02:17,518 --> 00:02:20,797
Funny name for bad breath,
Hibertson.
32
00:02:20,798 --> 00:02:23,997
Do stop regarding it frivolously,
this could be serious!
33
00:02:23,998 --> 00:02:25,357
It is serious.
34
00:02:25,358 --> 00:02:29,757
There's nothing more serious
than a railway-steel watch, especially before the war.
35
00:02:29,758 --> 00:02:31,957
It came to me when he died.
36
00:02:31,958 --> 00:02:36,797
I gave his waistcoat
with the sleeves to their Ernest for his motorbike.
37
00:02:36,798 --> 00:02:39,117
All the same, I think
we ought to look into it.
38
00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:42,397
In the name of humanity, we can't
ignore the scruffy little twit.
39
00:02:42,398 --> 00:02:47,317
I'll say this for you, Cyril,
you never flinch from poking your nose into other people's affairs.
40
00:02:47,318 --> 00:02:50,697
From the highest possible motives.
Suppose he's just lying there?
41
00:02:50,698 --> 00:02:54,597
How will it reflect
on us at the inquest if he's been dead for three weeks?
42
00:02:54,598 --> 00:02:58,557
We only left him last night.
Stuffing his face with fish, chips and mushy peas.
43
00:02:58,558 --> 00:03:01,797
You know what I mean.
I know what you mean -
44
00:03:01,798 --> 00:03:06,897
he's been acting a bit funny lately
and you're straining your braces to find out what he's been up to.
45
00:03:06,898 --> 00:03:09,197
Well, I admit, I am curious.
46
00:03:09,198 --> 00:03:11,277
Some might even say peculiar.
47
00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:16,597
All very well sitting there all smug
nursing your father's heirloom, but wouldn't you like to know?
48
00:03:16,598 --> 00:03:18,117
I do know. What?
49
00:03:18,118 --> 00:03:22,457
It's obvious.
Happens every year about this time.
50
00:03:22,458 --> 00:03:25,357
You know, you might condescend
to confide in me some time.
51
00:03:25,358 --> 00:03:28,877
I'm as interested as you in what's
happened to the grimy little Herbert.
52
00:03:28,878 --> 00:03:30,397
It's spring, Cyril.
53
00:03:30,398 --> 00:03:32,457
Compo's feeling the spring.
54
00:03:32,458 --> 00:03:35,317
Do you mean his...?
Sap's rising. Yes.
55
00:03:35,318 --> 00:03:38,757
Well! The evil little monkey.
56
00:03:38,758 --> 00:03:41,418
Come on, let's go
and get him out in the fresh air.
57
00:03:59,078 --> 00:04:02,077
That's the first time
I've seen his naked elbows.
58
00:04:02,078 --> 00:04:04,557
You've seen them through
the holes in his garments.
59
00:04:04,558 --> 00:04:10,477
Aye, brief, tantalising glimpses,
but never wild and free like this.
60
00:04:10,478 --> 00:04:13,517
They are not unlike
the Emperor Hirohito's.
61
00:04:13,518 --> 00:04:17,317
With respect, Clegg, what do you
know about the Emperor's elbows?
62
00:04:17,318 --> 00:04:20,677
Just that they're halfway up his
sleeve, the same as anybody else's.
63
00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:22,198
Hey up!
64
00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:27,477
Hey, you daft Mary,
creeping up on folk like that!
65
00:04:27,478 --> 00:04:32,157
If there's one thing
I thought we could rely on, it's you being grimy and repulsive.
66
00:04:32,158 --> 00:04:36,317
And here you are, behind our backs,
being furtively hygienic.
67
00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:39,117
I'm only cleaning a window!
68
00:04:39,118 --> 00:04:44,117
Batty's pigeons. She feeds them
on that rubbishy corn. It snows here twice a day.
69
00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:47,997
If Nora Batty were my wife
I wouldn't waste my time
70
00:04:47,998 --> 00:04:51,878
putting rubber bicycle clips
on diarrhoea-ridden pigeons!
71
00:04:55,918 --> 00:04:58,597
Hey, look at him.
When you see movements like that,
72
00:04:58,598 --> 00:05:00,877
you're dealing with
a guilty conscience.
73
00:05:00,878 --> 00:05:03,277
What's tha on about,
"guilty conscience?"
74
00:05:03,278 --> 00:05:07,677
I've seen it all before,
like at school, when you were caught with Teresa Monahue.
75
00:05:07,678 --> 00:05:09,597
That were Charlie Alroyd.
76
00:05:09,598 --> 00:05:12,277
What, in that cheeky little gymslip?
It never was!
77
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:15,117
It's a right double life,
you're leading, isn't it?
78
00:05:15,118 --> 00:05:20,317
Don't thee start! You think you
know somebody and all these years he's been a secret cleaner!
79
00:05:20,318 --> 00:05:22,917
We've caught you with the mask off
now, haven't we?
80
00:05:22,918 --> 00:05:26,318
Nobody asked either of
tha to come snooping. Nosy!
81
00:05:28,038 --> 00:05:32,517
That's what you get for being
a Good Samaritan, you see, told to mind your own business.
82
00:05:32,518 --> 00:05:35,437
Good Samaritan, thee?
Ex-milk monitor?
83
00:05:35,438 --> 00:05:40,277
"How dare you interfere with
that victim lying in the gutter?" That's the attitude these days.
84
00:05:40,278 --> 00:05:43,877
They'll defend every man's right
to be lying bleeding in the gutter.
85
00:05:43,878 --> 00:05:47,477
Well, I'm not lying in the bleeding
gutter, so get back to the library!
86
00:05:47,478 --> 00:05:52,077
Hey, he's not only been cleaning
those windows, he's been beating this carpet an' all.
87
00:05:52,078 --> 00:05:54,477
It's not a crime, is it?
He's busy, isn't he?
88
00:05:54,478 --> 00:05:56,877
Yes, I'm just having
a quick flick through.
89
00:05:56,878 --> 00:06:00,157
I've told you,
it's been coming on for a week.
90
00:06:00,158 --> 00:06:04,877
You can always tell
when he starts doodling flowers on his betting slips.
91
00:06:04,878 --> 00:06:10,357
Sweet peas and wood anemones.
92
00:06:10,358 --> 00:06:13,637
Get stuffed, the pair of you!
93
00:06:13,638 --> 00:06:15,237
You know his trouble?
94
00:06:15,238 --> 00:06:18,517
Doesn't get enough fresh air,
and his dart's unbalanced, too.
95
00:06:18,518 --> 00:06:20,437
You know, you want more fresh fruit.
96
00:06:20,438 --> 00:06:23,017
I want to be left alone,
that's what I want.
97
00:06:23,018 --> 00:06:24,837
And we all know why, don't we?
98
00:06:24,838 --> 00:06:29,517
So you can make a fool of
yourself in front of some unbelievable, unseemly female.
99
00:06:29,518 --> 00:06:33,157
Don't be harsh, he liked her
that worked for McAlpine.
100
00:06:33,158 --> 00:06:35,077
She didn't work for McAlpine.
101
00:06:35,078 --> 00:06:38,157
She had it writ in large letters
all over her donkey jacket!
102
00:06:38,158 --> 00:06:41,837
That were a gift from
the Irish hooligan that worked on the bulldozer.
103
00:06:41,838 --> 00:06:46,037
Rubbish! With her on the payroll,
what would they need a bulldozer for?
104
00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:53,558
You're treading on
sensitive ground, Cyril.
105
00:06:53,559 --> 00:06:56,198
Theirs was an impulsive,
madcap affair,
106
00:06:56,199 --> 00:07:00,598
destined to end the minute
she took off with that plastic barometer he won at bingo.
107
00:07:00,599 --> 00:07:03,598
She said it were
going to be changeable.
108
00:07:03,599 --> 00:07:07,318
Here, I'm not keeping you
in smokes so you can go out with funny women.
109
00:07:07,319 --> 00:07:09,758
They weren't all funny.
That's very true.
110
00:07:09,759 --> 00:07:15,198
Who was that sweet little thing
with the voice that could open cans of beer?
111
00:07:15,199 --> 00:07:16,798
Who's tha on about?
112
00:07:16,799 --> 00:07:18,859
Her that bit your ferrets?
113
00:07:21,119 --> 00:07:23,278
Ah, tha means Eunice.
114
00:07:23,279 --> 00:07:25,398
You came across her in the bar.
115
00:07:25,399 --> 00:07:27,958
That's right, under one
of them long benches.
116
00:07:27,959 --> 00:07:29,718
She used to get me into fights.
117
00:07:29,719 --> 00:07:32,958
I don't know why
you don't pack it in!
118
00:07:32,959 --> 00:07:35,718
Well, it's summat you have to do.
119
00:07:35,719 --> 00:07:39,858
It's like my cousin Vince -
he went off to Australia.
120
00:07:39,859 --> 00:07:42,158
How do you explain it?
121
00:07:42,159 --> 00:07:46,678
You don't explain it, he'd gone
before they could serve the warrant.
122
00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:51,878
Australians look a bit like ferrets.
Aye, they do.
123
00:07:51,879 --> 00:07:53,478
It's the sun, you know.
124
00:07:53,479 --> 00:07:56,238
Does away with
all the nutrients in the skin.
125
00:07:56,239 --> 00:07:58,238
What a load of cobblers!
126
00:07:58,239 --> 00:08:01,478
Let's go and buy him a drink,
get him in a better mood.
127
00:08:01,479 --> 00:08:02,919
Aye, come on.
128
00:08:43,119 --> 00:08:45,679
That's what you miss,
the companionship.
129
00:08:47,279 --> 00:08:49,718
I'm going home! It's early yet.
130
00:08:49,719 --> 00:08:54,278
I've had enough.
I'm going home, get a bite to eat and watch a bit of telly.
131
00:08:54,279 --> 00:08:56,879
May your batteries never go flat.
132
00:09:02,119 --> 00:09:10,018
♪ Love is a many splendored thing
133
00:09:10,019 --> 00:09:17,959
♪ It's the April rose that only
grows in the early spring... ♪
134
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:35,618
They say if you stand on the top of
you can see Manchester.
135
00:09:35,619 --> 00:09:39,418
That's the way of things, Cyril,
always a snag.
136
00:09:39,419 --> 00:09:43,838
I wonder if these nylon socks
are good for your feet.
137
00:09:43,839 --> 00:09:47,238
I see the Lauderdales have
still got that barrel organ.
138
00:09:47,239 --> 00:09:50,038
They're supposed to be doing it up.
139
00:09:50,039 --> 00:09:53,078
I wonder if the nylon lets
them breathe. Is he any good?
140
00:09:53,079 --> 00:09:55,558
I wouldn't want him
round my barrel organ.
141
00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:59,118
Delusions of grandeur,
quite out of his depth.
142
00:09:59,119 --> 00:10:03,918
Got everything out of proportion when
he mended their Giddy's Lambretta.
143
00:10:03,919 --> 00:10:06,318
I always liked their Sammy best.
144
00:10:06,319 --> 00:10:07,998
I can't say I knew him.
145
00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:11,238
Nice little fellow. It was very sad.
146
00:10:11,239 --> 00:10:14,998
What happened? He had to
go and live in Peterborough.
147
00:10:14,999 --> 00:10:20,278
They've no discretion, have they,
flies? They leap in with both feet.
148
00:10:20,279 --> 00:10:24,518
Come on out, you guzzling article!
Look at it.
149
00:10:24,519 --> 00:10:27,438
It's going to have a right
flaming head in the morning!
150
00:10:27,439 --> 00:10:32,718
No doubt secreted
half a million repulsive organisms in your light ale.
151
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,798
And we think life's
dangerous for us.
152
00:10:34,799 --> 00:10:38,398
How do you think that
saturated little pillock feels?
153
00:10:38,399 --> 00:10:40,197
What's his daily round then?
154
00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:44,718
Fancy having to leap into existence
155
00:10:44,719 --> 00:10:47,718
No wonder he's in
a rush to get stoned.
156
00:10:47,719 --> 00:10:53,438
We used to have them,
four inches long, crawling around the cook house in the Far East.
157
00:10:53,439 --> 00:10:55,798
They used to get into your cocoa.
158
00:10:55,799 --> 00:11:00,398
There's to be hope
there is something somewhere keeping an eye on little things.
159
00:11:00,399 --> 00:11:04,198
We were always keeping a damn good
eye on little things, I assure you.
160
00:11:04,199 --> 00:11:08,078
As a general rule they tended to
avoid anything with currants in it.
161
00:11:08,079 --> 00:11:13,278
Out there, you could never be sure
that an Eccles cake would lie gently and be eaten.
162
00:11:13,279 --> 00:11:19,397
Very disconcerting
when you see the fourth raisin from the right get up and walk away.
163
00:11:19,398 --> 00:11:23,718
Still, at least they've got wings.
164
00:11:23,719 --> 00:11:29,638
A few simple modifications to your
vest, careful how you adjust your braces and you're off - airborne.
165
00:11:29,639 --> 00:11:34,078
Everywhere's a short cut. Then you
realise there's no long way round.
166
00:11:34,079 --> 00:11:36,038
The place was crawling with them.
167
00:11:36,039 --> 00:11:40,078
Never had any trouble with
my feet, though, despite the heat.
168
00:11:40,079 --> 00:11:42,918
Just a slight rash
under my webbing, that's all.
169
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:45,678
Under your webbing?
Sounds like a duck's disease.
170
00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:48,118
We were wearing wool, you see.
Natural fibre.
171
00:11:48,119 --> 00:11:50,478
For sheep it's natural fibre.
172
00:11:50,479 --> 00:11:55,118
Get down to brass tacks,
all that we can call natural is skin
173
00:11:55,119 --> 00:11:58,118
There's every chance
we are descended from the banana.
174
00:11:58,119 --> 00:12:00,238
Lets the feet breathe.
175
00:12:00,239 --> 00:12:04,118
No, our main problem was parasites.
176
00:12:04,119 --> 00:12:07,518
But we can all get used to parasites
who shall be nameless.
177
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:10,118
Where is the tatty Herbert?
178
00:12:10,119 --> 00:12:11,599
He should be back by now.
179
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,278
Oh dear, I'm smoking too heavy.
180
00:12:19,279 --> 00:12:21,938
When he's around, he cadges
two out of every three.
181
00:12:21,939 --> 00:12:24,558
Do you think
I want to shorten my life?
182
00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:26,998
At this rate,
I shall be dead before I'm 112.
183
00:12:26,999 --> 00:12:31,338
He'll come back when he's ready,
his whiskers bent and his fur torn.
184
00:12:31,339 --> 00:12:36,338
He should be outdoors
instead of inside watching them Continental films.
185
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:40,758
It's really none of our
business, Cyril, which always makes it the more attractive.
186
00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:44,599
So let's dump this stuff and go and
see what the hell he's been up to.
187
00:12:55,439 --> 00:12:58,558
Hey, all the jam jars have gone.
188
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:00,438
Has he moved his ferrets?
189
00:13:00,439 --> 00:13:03,938
They're not on the table.
Oh dear, do you think it's serious?
190
00:13:03,939 --> 00:13:08,438
If he's started neglecting
his ferrets, there's no knowing where it will end.
191
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,398
He's not in, he's gone.
192
00:13:10,399 --> 00:13:13,878
Good morning, madam, I wonder if
you could possibly tell us where?
193
00:13:13,879 --> 00:13:15,798
I could tell you
all sorts about him.
194
00:13:15,799 --> 00:13:18,158
Come on, Mrs Batty,
he's a fan of yours.
195
00:13:18,159 --> 00:13:20,598
I know what he's a fan of.
196
00:13:20,599 --> 00:13:26,558
He speaks very highly of you,
Mrs Batty, as Mr Blamire here will confirm. Very highly, madam.
197
00:13:26,559 --> 00:13:28,679
You're his ideal of womanhood.
198
00:13:30,239 --> 00:13:32,998
You're as daft as he is,
Norman Clegg.
199
00:13:32,999 --> 00:13:37,558
He refers constantly
to your matchless flaky pastry and your sharp tongue.
200
00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,758
What about your Edie
for a sharp tongue?
201
00:13:40,759 --> 00:13:42,478
Superb in her day,
202
00:13:42,479 --> 00:13:45,998
but very much quieter
since she's been dead, God rest her.
203
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:50,798
Leaving you at the top of
your field with the possible exception of big Ivy at the caff.
204
00:13:50,799 --> 00:13:55,198
Her? If it came to a slanging match,
I could soon sort her out.
205
00:13:55,199 --> 00:13:58,398
She's got too much flesh on her
to be really mean.
206
00:13:58,399 --> 00:14:00,678
Where's he gone, then?
207
00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:04,358
Where does he always go?
Too far if he gets half the chance.
208
00:14:04,359 --> 00:14:07,079
He's no respect
for the sanctity of marriage.
209
00:14:08,739 --> 00:14:11,238
I bet her old man's
not got a lot left either.
210
00:14:11,239 --> 00:14:12,679
I heard that!
211
00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:17,558
You were dicing with death there,
weren't you?
212
00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:21,359
You forget, Cyril, I've had years
of marital combat experience.
213
00:14:44,053 --> 00:14:45,513
Hello!
214
00:14:47,593 --> 00:14:49,752
I didn't get this suit from here.
215
00:14:49,753 --> 00:14:52,652
I thought
I didn't recognise the material.
216
00:14:52,653 --> 00:14:56,552
This is 30 Bob Tailors,
afore your time.
217
00:14:56,553 --> 00:14:58,272
Manager had a bald head.
218
00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:01,672
His daughter went for
a cookery teacher.
219
00:15:01,673 --> 00:15:04,472
I thought I'd come in for a new one.
220
00:15:04,473 --> 00:15:06,252
Well, how would you like it, sir?
221
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:09,713
Oh I don't care,
as long as I get it!
222
00:15:11,273 --> 00:15:12,393
Sure.
223
00:15:42,673 --> 00:15:44,153
You got the time, lad?
224
00:16:09,413 --> 00:16:11,232
What is it now?
225
00:16:11,233 --> 00:16:13,673
Can't you do something
without asking... What?
226
00:16:19,833 --> 00:16:21,352
Pour him a cup of tea.
227
00:16:21,353 --> 00:16:23,032
He hasn't asked for a cup of tea.
228
00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,952
Do as I say, pour him one.
229
00:16:24,953 --> 00:16:26,552
What do you think he wants?
230
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:29,872
He might want a coffee. Well,
he's never asked for coffee before!
231
00:16:29,873 --> 00:16:32,413
He's never been dressed
like that before, either.
232
00:16:44,833 --> 00:16:47,152
It's aftershave, does tha like it?
233
00:16:47,153 --> 00:16:52,872
I do like it.
I keep telling him to get some on, that big ugly devil there.
234
00:16:52,873 --> 00:16:55,152
She forgets you've got to
face a dart team.
235
00:16:55,153 --> 00:16:58,212
Yeah, he thinks he's irresistible,
smelling of chip fat.
236
00:16:58,213 --> 00:17:00,952
Tha don't think I've gone
too far, like? Too far?
237
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:03,433
You look like a dressed-up haggis!
238
00:17:05,073 --> 00:17:09,752
You've done right, love.
They could all do with smartening up a bit round here.
239
00:17:09,753 --> 00:17:13,633
He thinks he ought
to have an anaesthetic before you remove his underwear.
240
00:17:14,913 --> 00:17:16,212
For washing, that is.
241
00:17:16,213 --> 00:17:18,833
He can't get it off quick enough
for messing about!
242
00:17:23,073 --> 00:17:24,672
Has tha been following me?
243
00:17:24,673 --> 00:17:29,212
It's something you will have to
get used to if you continue wearing things like that.
244
00:17:29,213 --> 00:17:31,832
Aye, how much do you have to
pay a week on that lot?
245
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:35,232
10 bob. Oh yes, and how are
you going to rake up the deposit?
246
00:17:35,233 --> 00:17:39,672
Well, I had a treble come up,
six quid. It's nowt to do with thee.
247
00:17:39,673 --> 00:17:43,172
Enough to keep you in the lap
of luxury for about 40 minutes.
248
00:17:43,173 --> 00:17:44,472
And where's your ferrets?
249
00:17:44,473 --> 00:17:47,232
Ah, tha's been snooping, I see.
250
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,952
They're all right.
They're in the outside lav.
251
00:17:49,953 --> 00:17:52,212
By hell, that's irresponsible!
252
00:17:52,213 --> 00:17:55,232
There could be
an appalling accident there.
253
00:17:55,233 --> 00:17:58,072
They're all right,
they're wrapped up warm.
254
00:17:58,073 --> 00:18:00,873
And have you got them in
Harry Lauder hats as well?
255
00:18:03,073 --> 00:18:05,032
It's aftershave.
256
00:18:05,033 --> 00:18:10,232
Ivy, give us two teas, love,
and something sticky for a bun.
257
00:18:10,233 --> 00:18:12,012
Do you want a bun?
258
00:18:12,013 --> 00:18:14,352
No, I've not got any appetite.
259
00:18:14,353 --> 00:18:17,232
Not much taste, either.
260
00:18:17,233 --> 00:18:21,072
And why didn't you go
to that 30 Bob Tailors?
261
00:18:21,073 --> 00:18:24,772
I would have,
but there were that barney over the suit I got married in.
262
00:18:24,773 --> 00:18:26,992
You're not still paying on that?
263
00:18:26,993 --> 00:18:30,592
Just the last two instalments,
that's all there were.
264
00:18:30,593 --> 00:18:34,232
I kept up the payments until
she ran off with that flaming Pole
265
00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:37,632
and I thought, "Right,
let that twit pay for it."
266
00:18:37,633 --> 00:18:41,832
You've not been all that fortunate
in your choice of women, have you?
267
00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:45,433
You haven't struck that celestial
note of harmony, as it were.
268
00:18:46,913 --> 00:18:49,112
No, it's true.
269
00:18:49,113 --> 00:18:52,472
She were all right
that worked in the crisp factory...
270
00:18:52,473 --> 00:18:55,873
till they started flavouring
everything with cheese and onion.
271
00:18:57,193 --> 00:18:58,872
But by and large, it's true.
272
00:18:58,873 --> 00:19:00,632
But you still keep on trying.
273
00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:02,592
Why should I go through life alone?
274
00:19:02,593 --> 00:19:05,112
Because you are old,
ugly and repulsive.
275
00:19:05,113 --> 00:19:07,032
I'm not all that old.
276
00:19:07,033 --> 00:19:09,192
Besides, you got to keep trying.
277
00:19:09,193 --> 00:19:11,513
Anyway, it keeps
my mind of Mrs Batty.
278
00:19:14,593 --> 00:19:18,392
Cyril here manages to go through
life without the comfort of a woman.
279
00:19:18,393 --> 00:19:20,832
I should think so!
Has tha seen his landlady?
280
00:19:20,833 --> 00:19:24,872
She makes the finest
batter pudding, I'll have you know, in this entire area!
281
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:28,992
I take this point, Cyril. Is it
enough for a lasting relationship?
282
00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:30,972
I have been there 12 years.
283
00:19:30,973 --> 00:19:33,772
Does tha believe in destiny?
284
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,312
Ah, now that's what
you learn in the Far East.
285
00:19:36,313 --> 00:19:40,932
"And the moving finger writes,
and having writ, moves on."
286
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:45,672
I should think it would
move on after writing some of that stuff on the bus shelter.
287
00:19:45,673 --> 00:19:49,712
Perhaps is my destiny
to end up with a woman.
288
00:19:49,713 --> 00:19:52,272
You need someone.
289
00:19:52,273 --> 00:19:54,972
It's not only the physical side...
290
00:19:54,973 --> 00:19:57,312
Fetching her coal in, you mean.
291
00:19:57,313 --> 00:19:58,912
You know what I mean!
292
00:19:58,913 --> 00:20:01,172
You need somebody there,
293
00:20:01,173 --> 00:20:02,792
to shout at you.
294
00:20:02,793 --> 00:20:05,192
Hey, take mine. Hey!
295
00:20:05,193 --> 00:20:07,072
You don't know when you're well-off.
296
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,032
What time
do them Bradford buses run?
297
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:12,712
On the half-hour. Well,
maybe she will be on the next one.
298
00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:14,113
Can I borrow your hanky?
299
00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:17,913
I advertised for
this housekeeper, you see.
300
00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:22,632
If we get on,
you know, we hit it off,
301
00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:25,312
well, I might not be around as much.
302
00:20:25,313 --> 00:20:28,512
Oh dear, I can just picture
the domestic scene -
303
00:20:28,513 --> 00:20:31,272
arm-in-arm they saunter
into the setting sun,
304
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:35,632
pursued only by debt collectors
and a pair of chattering ferrets!
305
00:20:35,633 --> 00:20:38,152
Do you know anything
about this woman?
306
00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:40,032
I don't want to.
307
00:20:40,033 --> 00:20:43,032
That's part of the magic,
isn't it, finding out?
308
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,352
Romance is a lottery.
309
00:20:45,353 --> 00:20:47,952
If you want to gamble,
stick to horses.
310
00:20:47,953 --> 00:20:50,233
He does, take a look at his women!
311
00:21:55,433 --> 00:22:00,072
Bloody romantic, this is(!)
4.10 in the afternoon.
312
00:22:00,073 --> 00:22:03,353
Well, I don't what else
we can do till bedtime.
313
00:22:15,433 --> 00:22:16,873
With tha bare hands?
314
00:22:19,833 --> 00:22:21,752
They all left me a bit of summat.
315
00:22:21,753 --> 00:22:24,832
I bet they couldn't wait,
could they?
316
00:22:24,833 --> 00:22:26,472
It's more than you'd do.
317
00:22:26,473 --> 00:22:28,272
You've no assets.
318
00:22:28,273 --> 00:22:31,352
I've got my magnetic personality.
319
00:22:31,353 --> 00:22:33,352
You're a wastrel!
320
00:22:33,353 --> 00:22:36,032
There's that an' all.
321
00:22:36,033 --> 00:22:40,552
There'd be no security wi' you.
Tha'd have a roof over tha head.
322
00:22:40,553 --> 00:22:42,592
It leaks!
323
00:22:42,593 --> 00:22:44,033
Not all over.
324
00:22:55,093 --> 00:22:58,712
It wants another cup of tea.
325
00:22:58,713 --> 00:23:02,552
Are you getting anywhere?
Well, I'm getting splashed a bit.
326
00:23:02,553 --> 00:23:06,112
Looks like you've got
one of nature's hearty eaters there.
327
00:23:06,113 --> 00:23:09,392
Come on, Sid, what does thou reckon?
328
00:23:09,393 --> 00:23:11,992
How does it look to thee?
329
00:23:11,993 --> 00:23:13,952
Hungry.
330
00:23:13,953 --> 00:23:15,632
Aye, I know that.
331
00:23:15,633 --> 00:23:18,952
Well, I know it's not new, like,
332
00:23:18,953 --> 00:23:20,832
but I've seen worse.
333
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:22,393
Only with thee.
334
00:23:24,233 --> 00:23:26,192
That's what I mean.
335
00:23:26,193 --> 00:23:27,312
I've HAD worse.
336
00:23:27,313 --> 00:23:30,753
You've had pneumonia, but you don't
want to go steady with it, do you?
337
00:23:34,913 --> 00:23:39,493
Come on, it's not all that bad,
from some angles.
338
00:23:42,493 --> 00:23:43,552
Eh?
339
00:23:43,553 --> 00:23:47,033
It's no good asking my opinion. I
mean, you've seen my judgment in...
340
00:23:50,113 --> 00:23:51,192
How many sugar?
341
00:23:51,193 --> 00:23:53,092
Six. Six?
342
00:23:53,093 --> 00:23:54,953
She should have some energy, anyway!
343
00:24:01,433 --> 00:24:04,033
Here. Put it down, then.
344
00:24:22,993 --> 00:24:26,293
Look, that were taken
of me at Maplethorpe.
345
00:24:28,553 --> 00:24:29,632
Urgh!
346
00:24:29,633 --> 00:24:32,393
Get... Pleuch!
347
00:24:36,693 --> 00:24:39,892
Look, it's no use
coming to me for security.
348
00:24:39,893 --> 00:24:43,112
Unless tha's ready for a mad,
irresponsible escapade,
349
00:24:43,113 --> 00:24:44,552
tha'd better get off now.
350
00:24:44,553 --> 00:24:46,432
Don't worry, I shall.
351
00:24:46,433 --> 00:24:49,312
Look, there's some blokes
you can settle down with
352
00:24:49,313 --> 00:24:53,233
and there's other blokes like me
that you come to for thrills and excitement.
353
00:24:54,793 --> 00:24:56,553
You and Errol Flynn!
354
00:24:57,913 --> 00:25:00,032
Have you got owt in the Post Office?
355
00:25:00,033 --> 00:25:03,832
I just bought you a plate of
mushy peas, what more do you want?
356
00:25:03,833 --> 00:25:06,112
No insurance? I don't believe in it.
357
00:25:06,113 --> 00:25:07,912
What do you believe in, then?
358
00:25:07,913 --> 00:25:12,673
I believe that under all that
mad chatter, tha's a real sexpot.
359
00:25:17,953 --> 00:25:21,752
Well, where are you taking me?
You promised me a night out, didn't you?
360
00:25:21,753 --> 00:25:24,672
You've had it, this is it.
361
00:25:24,673 --> 00:25:27,592
You must be joking!
362
00:25:27,593 --> 00:25:33,252
You don't think
you're sweeping me off my feet with just one plate of mushy peas?
363
00:25:33,253 --> 00:25:36,152
Come on! Let's go.
364
00:25:36,153 --> 00:25:40,953
Where to? It's your town,
swinger, lead the way!
365
00:25:58,113 --> 00:26:00,952
Hello, my little passion flower.
366
00:26:00,953 --> 00:26:03,352
She's not got your washing out,
I see.
367
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:05,312
She don't look
much of a washer to me.
368
00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:08,672
I shouldn't need anybody if
you'd co-operate occasionally,
369
00:26:08,673 --> 00:26:13,253
melted a bit sometimes, let me run
my fingers through your curlers.
370
00:26:41,953 --> 00:26:44,392
Hey, she went off!
371
00:26:44,393 --> 00:26:46,112
She took all my new stuff wi' her.
372
00:26:46,113 --> 00:26:50,392
There you are, you see -
every cloud has a silver lining.
373
00:26:50,393 --> 00:26:52,513
Don't jump!
374
00:26:54,593 --> 00:26:58,112
Your left hand oar.
Your left hand oar!
375
00:26:58,113 --> 00:26:59,593
Starboard, do you mind?
376
00:27:04,073 --> 00:27:06,152
Tha's going around in circles!
377
00:27:06,153 --> 00:27:07,993
Hark who's bloody talking!
378
00:27:15,113 --> 00:27:19,192
Here, grab this. Me arm's
fixed to my shoulder, you know?
379
00:27:19,193 --> 00:27:22,312
Don't stand on that!
It makes you wonder
380
00:27:22,313 --> 00:27:26,152
how they get big ships through
small holes. Here, grab it.
381
00:27:26,153 --> 00:27:27,672
He'll have us in!
382
00:27:27,673 --> 00:27:29,472
Shut your face!
383
00:27:29,473 --> 00:27:32,953
Look lively! Get it in!
384
00:27:35,813 --> 00:27:37,672
Get off! Come here!
385
00:27:37,673 --> 00:27:40,353
I've got to get over there.
386
00:27:41,433 --> 00:27:43,633
There we are. You'll have me over.
387
00:27:47,273 --> 00:27:48,613
Hey up!
388
00:27:49,813 --> 00:27:51,552
She's buried three husbands.
389
00:27:51,553 --> 00:27:53,213
Were they all dead?
390
00:27:55,073 --> 00:27:57,412
She were a brandy drinker.
391
00:27:57,413 --> 00:28:00,112
I thought I'd get her drunk
and have my way with her.
392
00:28:00,113 --> 00:28:03,272
You disgusting creature!
What happened?
393
00:28:03,273 --> 00:28:05,672
She had to carry me home.
394
00:28:05,673 --> 00:28:08,872
Then this morning she went off with
all my clobber.
395
00:28:08,873 --> 00:28:10,612
It's not funny!
396
00:28:10,613 --> 00:28:13,233
It's hilarious, you dozy clown!
397
00:28:14,484 --> 00:29:15,098
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