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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,240
Oh. He's late again. I knew it -
3
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,480
he's not only unsavoury,
he's unpunctual as well.
4
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,080
It's a bit early for Compo.
5
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:31,760
He's not had the practice of getting
off to work like we used to have.
6
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,320
Oh, there you are! Ah, come on in.
7
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:38,880
I can't stand people who prat about
the crack of early morning thingy.
8
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,320
I won't be a minute.
9
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:45,880
You'd think he'd unglue himself
from his tattered blankets on an occasion like this.
10
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:50,920
Especially since it's
his relative who's picking us up. Who's also late, you'll notice.
11
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,000
Oh, stop looking at your watch. I'll
bet he's another shifty Simmonite.
12
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:59,200
I'll bet you'd be a misery
if you had to hire out rowing boats.
13
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,880
Phwoar! They're all the same,
his lot. Drain on the economy.
14
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:10,200
If ever you've been near his feet,
you'll know when I say "drain", I mean "drain".
15
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:14,680
He's all right.
There's a sort of luminous quality to the seat of his trousers -
16
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,960
and you must admit
he does wear a funny hat.
17
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:21,120
I think there's still
a place in this country for people who wear funny hats.
18
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,280
And he's good when it comes to
cleaning me bike.
19
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:27,520
When does he ever clean your bike?
He doesn't, but you can always count on him for a bit of rag.
20
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,760
Well, of course you can.
That's his suit!
21
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:34,760
I only hope he'll smarten himself up
a bit this morning, that's all!
22
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,860
I know it's a stately home,
but we're only visiting.
23
00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:40,880
I knew it'd only inflame
your feudal tendencies.
24
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:45,920
Well, they don't want any
scoffy peasant loping all over their reduced circumstances.
25
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:49,480
And I only hope that relative of his
has some manners as well.
26
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:53,920
Being a member of his family
should be a notifiable industrial disease.
27
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:58,080
Put your sandwiches in here. It'll
give an executive air to the day.
28
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,120
What have you brought, by the way?
29
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,520
Cheese. Oh, really?
I've brought a little pate, myself.
30
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:08,460
Cyril, you've a tendency to go
very Reader's Digest.
31
00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:11,400
COMPO COUGHS HARSHLY
32
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,960
Ah, there's no pleasure like
lying abed like it used to be
33
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,720
when I was supposed to be at work.
34
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,600
Just look at him!
He looks like cardboard in the rain.
35
00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:28,000
Well, at least he's got up.
Yes, right up my nostrils.
36
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,760
Wellies are optional for stately
homes - you don't have to wear them.
37
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,920
I've cleaned 'em!
I walk through every puddle.
38
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:36,960
On all fours, by the look of it.
39
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,600
Couldn't you have got dressed up
just for once?!
40
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,680
Well, you cheeky bat, I AM dressed.
What do you think this is?
41
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,120
Some sort of tourniquet, I imagine.
42
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,440
Well, I'll stand stuffy.
43
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,120
I wouldn't recommend it.
44
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,880
Not till you've loosened this a bit.
45
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,080
You know, I think I liked you better
BEFORE you were purple.
46
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:58,280
Yeah, well it's the last time
I get dressed up, duke or no duke.
47
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,040
I put this on special!
And at no small risk.
48
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,020
Because if this is round your neck,
49
00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:05,760
what, we ask ourselves,
is holding your trousers up?
50
00:03:08,620 --> 00:03:11,480
Hah! Somebody's clothesline.
Mrs Batty's.
51
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,160
Sentimental value.
52
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,880
Yeah, well I thought I'd wear it
next to me skin. Nice(!)
53
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,220
He's thieved it.
54
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:22,240
Well, she refused point-blank
to discuss her knicker elastic.
55
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,280
Well, nobody smokin', then?
BLAMIRE SIGHS
56
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:32,360
Well, just because we're having
a day out, there's no need to get niggly with the nicotine.
57
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:36,680
And he hasn't even shaved.
They dressed like that for the French Revolution!
58
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,020
If the duke's at home,
he'll think you're swarming him. Not visiting him!
59
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:43,240
Well - I hope tha's brought
tha own sandwiches.
60
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,320
These'll not go round.
61
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,920
They'll not go round in public,
I hope!
62
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,020
Here - put 'em in here
to keep 'em out of sight.
63
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:55,280
And don't you dare ask for them
when anybody's looking!
64
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,120
If all goes well,
you can rendezvous secretly and pass them over in the gents.
65
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,280
What have you got in 'ere?
Potted meat.
66
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,880
Have you left it in the jar(?)
67
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,520
Cyril's got pate.
68
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:10,280
Well, he should get to t'doctor's
instead of spreading it about.
69
00:04:11,820 --> 00:04:14,720
I'll tell you who's not about -
your relative. Where is he, then?
70
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,360
What, our Chip?
He'll be here when he's ready.
71
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:21,760
They've got kids to look after,
they ain't got all day to ponce about like us.
72
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:26,280
Wife, kids and us three to pick up?
Must have a decent-sized car.
73
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:30,680
Is it possible that one of his lot
should have given up the family tradition of worthlessness?
74
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:35,160
Been accidentally overexposed
to a broadcast on behalf of the Conservative Party.
75
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,240
I wonder if HE'LL bring pate.
76
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,720
Aaah!
77
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,220
Ah, well. Come on! Let's go wait for
him down at t'caff. Aye, come on.
78
00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:46,480
What with your feet, and them
ferrets... Ergh! Stretch me legs.
79
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,440
I feel as though I've been
sleeping with them in a reef knot!
80
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:56,240
Suppose we miss him altogether?
He'll know where to find us.
81
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,040
I told him if we were late
we'd be in Sid's caff.
82
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,580
Compose yourself, Cyril.
I haven't seen you like this
83
00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:04,240
since you were approached
by that Jehovah's Witness.
84
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,780
I get them now and again.
I know, I've seen you scrattin'.
85
00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:09,640
Jehovah's Witnesses! Oh...
86
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:14,240
They don't bother.
It's about all I do get calling at t'house these days.
87
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,840
Them and that lot what keeps
coming and taking back me telly.
88
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:22,920
I've no time to be
stood on the front doorstep discussing biblical criticism.
89
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:28,120
Especially with old hands
who are notoriously swift with the Watchtower.
90
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,040
What puzzles me
when I think about life,
91
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,120
is where does all that fluff come
from that gathers in your navel?
92
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:41,320
Don't just stand there like Hudson's
Bakery. Local bloody landmark(!)
93
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:45,840
Are you going to shift
or do I have to go to t'council for a bloody demolition order?
94
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:51,120
Why don't you go to night school
instead and learn euthanasia, you bloody thing? Oh, go on, get lost!
95
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,280
We're only half open.
96
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,040
All right, give us
three half-cups of tea.
97
00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,580
Sid...!
98
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:03,240
Here, keep your molars off.
Get away, I ain't had any breakfast! Do you ever?
99
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,600
Mmm. Sometimes I have
a bit o' dripping.
100
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:10,440
Would you believe it? 1973,
the age of the computer, and he's still eating dripping.
101
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,380
Well, tha don't know
what tha's missing.
102
00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:14,240
Gravy's a dying art.
103
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:19,200
SID AND IVY BICKER
Some people ought to get their mouths double-glazed!
104
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,400
You're early this morning,
you lot, aren't you?
105
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,640
Aye, we're having a day out.
We're going to Upperdyke Hall.
106
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,000
If somebody I know's relative
gets round to picking us up!
107
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,580
Have tha got any dripping, Sid?
That went out with the Depression.
108
00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:35,940
Nay - Sid went out
with the Depression. Then he goes and marries it.
109
00:06:35,940 --> 00:06:38,240
Huh. Tha's not far wrong, either!
110
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,200
Wish I could get a day out
now and again.
111
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,080
Do you know, I never go out
on me own, me.
112
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,180
Come on, Sid, don't exaggerate.
What about national service?
113
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,600
HORN TOOTS
114
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,800
CHILDREN CHATTER, DOG BARKS
115
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,800
You've woken him up, Chip.
He shouldn't be, not with all that swill inside him.
116
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,480
I could hear him sloshing every time
we went round the corner!
117
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,880
He's just like his dad, a 14-pinter.
118
00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:08,000
Who's a 14-pinter? Eh(?)
119
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,920
Aye... They must be in the cafe.
120
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,740
I've been meaning to talk to you,
our Connie, about wearing longer dresses.
121
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:22,040
You'll go mad if I do.
122
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,800
All right, you lot, come on -
in the back. CHILD: Oh, no...
123
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,160
Come on. In you go.
Come on, budge up...
124
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,600
Watch the dog! Come on. Right...
125
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:36,680
And how was they able to build
places like Upperdyke Hall? By plundering poor folk like me!
126
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,760
You could plunder him all day long
and all you'd get was itchy.
127
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,480
We were in a big house in the Army.
128
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,000
Glasshouse(?)
No, it weren't like that at all.
129
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,800
It were like a castle. It had little
tiny windows and dark corners.
130
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,880
Oh! Barbara Castle.
131
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,600
BLAMIRE LAUGHS
Oh, we had to guard it.
132
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,000
That must have been a sight.
You on t'battlements.
133
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,359
It were t'training centre
for Army typists.
134
00:07:58,359 --> 00:08:02,960
By 'ell! You were there, weren't you?
135
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,400
Army typists(!)
136
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:09,440
You old warhorse. Do your ears
still twitch at the sound of the massed Olivettis(?)
137
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,560
Well, I didn't ask to be posted
there. I wanted to be near me mate.
138
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,040
Where'd he got to?
Hospital, he had deformed feet.
139
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,800
What a war record. Fancy pitting that
against the master race!
140
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,000
Well, we won, didn't we?
No thanks to you!
141
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,480
Be fair, Cyril. Maybe his mate was
the brains behind the second front.
142
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:30,600
Maybe he was sitting up in bed
plotting strategy... scratching his deformed feet.
143
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:34,160
Oh, but he had a good thing
going with black market petrol.
144
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,400
He used to buy it off the Yanks,
then flog it to this vicar
145
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,040
who was trying to combat sin
146
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,800
within the regions of
the American Airfields,
147
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,940
and he didn't know how to
cope with it on his bicycle.
148
00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:48,140
Lucky for you you didn't come
face to face with the enemy.
149
00:08:48,140 --> 00:08:50,960
We had some Gerry prisoners
billeted near the big house.
150
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,760
'Ello, close combat stories now, eh?
151
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:58,240
One of 'em built me a crucifix out
of a bullet. They were all right.
152
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,040
They were better than our sergeant,
I'll tell ya that.
153
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,540
Where was he from?
154
00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:04,000
Wales. Oh, well.
155
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,680
I give it to a bird in the village,
but it were no good,
156
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,480
it didn't get me anywhere.
157
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:14,240
You know, they were getting
too much stuff off the Yanks.
158
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,240
If it didn't have a flamin'
oil well or a ranch,
159
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,360
it didn't stand a chance at all.
160
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,800
So we had to go back to Lucy,
she were our corporal cook.
161
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,800
She had blood all down her apron.
162
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,640
And you wouldn't imagine the things
she could do with a whistle.
163
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,360
Hello! Hello, Chip, 'ow are ya?
You all right?
164
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,840
Don't go out just yet,
she's changing a nappy,
165
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,240
it's a terrifying sight.
166
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,600
How's the family then, all right?
Aye, multiplying.
167
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,900
Dad, can I have some
ice cream for t'dog?
168
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:45,160
No, you can't. Go out.
Get back in the van.
169
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:50,200
Van? I didn't get a right look at
'im, but I think he were one of ours, they usually are!
170
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,160
Oh, great. Dripping!
171
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,600
That's our Chip.
172
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,640
All right, come on, you lot.
173
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,320
Hurry up and get in.
Come on, you lot.
174
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,440
Come on. Watch me feet!
175
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,160
All right, gentlemen?
176
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,320
DOG BARKS
177
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,720
Mind that dog, he eats clothes.
I'm not kidding, corduroy even!
178
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:18,720
He's supposed to eat rabbits, but
no chance. Not unless he finds one in a tracksuit. Mind the doors!
179
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,560
He's a lovely boy.
180
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,920
We've got none, you know.
All I can do is mother 'im.
181
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,440
You can have one of ours,
we've got a van full.
182
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,360
He's nowt but a big kid himself.
They're all alike, love.
183
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,240
Say goodbye to your Auntie Ivy.
Ta-ta!
184
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,640
If I had my way,
we'd all be sterilised. Ha!
185
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,320
Let's go, come on!
186
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,719
Stop 'em, Chip, they'll fall in.
187
00:11:31,719 --> 00:11:36,300
They won't fall in. I've 'ad 'em
playing on the roof and everything,
188
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,440
Hey, you kids,
don't go too near the water.
189
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:42,500
I bet he hasn't even got a licence
for it. What, for biting her ear?
190
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,900
Road fund licence. I told you.
191
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:46,320
It's expired.
192
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,500
Well, I expect it slipped his mind.
193
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,280
Since 1967?
194
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,400
There's a good dog, Abbey.
195
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,720
Of course, this would be completely
outside my experience
196
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:39,960
had I not once been inside the area
offices of the National Pool Board.
197
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,600
Can you feel the sense of history?
It's marvellous.
198
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,760
I bet they got mice.
199
00:12:53,914 --> 00:12:55,434
That is a Constable.
200
00:12:55,434 --> 00:12:57,794
It must be CID in that outfit.
201
00:12:59,314 --> 00:13:00,914
Unless it's a police woman.
202
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:04,714
I knew a police woman sergeant in
Huddersfield wi' a face like that.
203
00:13:04,714 --> 00:13:08,514
A painting by Constable,
you tatty 'erbert.
204
00:13:08,514 --> 00:13:10,794
She threw me out of a boozer.
205
00:13:10,794 --> 00:13:13,894
You've had an interesting life.
206
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:17,194
Yes, he has. Never wasted
any of it on work, did he?
207
00:13:25,674 --> 00:13:28,714
They call her Muriel.
Who told you that?
208
00:13:28,714 --> 00:13:31,674
She did. This police woman sergeant.
209
00:13:31,674 --> 00:13:37,074
She was sat outside this boozer and
210
00:13:37,074 --> 00:13:39,654
Rubbish! He's talking rubbish.
211
00:13:39,654 --> 00:13:41,594
She fancied you. I think she did.
212
00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:47,474
Out of all them fellas in the pub,
it was you that she selected to toss out on the pavement. I thought it!
213
00:13:47,474 --> 00:13:52,754
Compo's going to be here all night,
214
00:13:54,354 --> 00:13:56,514
Do you know,
I'd never have though of that.
215
00:13:56,514 --> 00:13:59,314
It just come to me.
He's a bigger liar than...
216
00:13:59,314 --> 00:14:01,994
No, no, no.
It's a very touching little story.
217
00:14:01,994 --> 00:14:03,474
He was touched all right.
218
00:14:03,474 --> 00:14:07,154
I've seen him flapping his arms, and
trying to fly off the wash house.
219
00:14:07,154 --> 00:14:11,314
Shows grit. Scientific curiosity.
Shows grit all right, a face full.
220
00:14:11,314 --> 00:14:15,714
Well, I had hole in me jersey.
You've always had hole in your jersey.
221
00:14:15,714 --> 00:14:18,314
On a dewy morning,
it looked like a spider's web.
222
00:14:18,314 --> 00:14:19,674
COMPO GROANS
223
00:14:19,674 --> 00:14:22,514
There was a time when
I had the scientific curiosity.
224
00:14:22,514 --> 00:14:24,554
During old Fosdyke's lessons.
225
00:14:24,554 --> 00:14:28,394
I was very impressed by
the behaviour of iron filings.
226
00:14:28,394 --> 00:14:31,354
All them invisible patterns
in the air.
227
00:14:31,354 --> 00:14:35,154
It makes you think. Maybe the
Almighty's got a plan, after all.
228
00:14:35,154 --> 00:14:39,654
Or is he just passing the time
embroidering his doily?
229
00:15:19,594 --> 00:15:21,874
Wehay!
230
00:15:40,154 --> 00:15:42,014
DISTANT VOICES
231
00:15:44,074 --> 00:15:47,014
HE SPLUTTERS
232
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,234
COMPO COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
233
00:15:47,649 --> 00:15:49,689
Ugh! You two.
234
00:15:53,289 --> 00:15:55,689
In years to come,
archaeologists round here
235
00:15:55,689 --> 00:15:59,249
may discover traces
of a culture based upon greyhounds
236
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:04,249
and extra-marital sex.
The aristocracy certainly know how to live.
237
00:16:04,249 --> 00:16:08,089
Every stupid pillock knows
how to live, you just keep breathing in and out.
238
00:16:09,449 --> 00:16:12,449
You know it's just a habit.
You could break it if you tried.
239
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:16,049
I was referring to style,
you evil goblin.
240
00:16:16,049 --> 00:16:19,529
Here! That's where I've seen him,
squatting on toadstools,
241
00:16:19,529 --> 00:16:22,849
being unpleasant to fairies.
There it is.
242
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:25,649
Style, refinement, culture.
243
00:16:25,649 --> 00:16:29,129
What he means is they all used to
loll about in their golden wellies.
244
00:16:29,129 --> 00:16:31,369
All I needs is money.
245
00:16:31,369 --> 00:16:35,889
Never. You're not telling me
that if you had money, you could producea place like this?
246
00:16:35,889 --> 00:16:38,129
I'd be satisfied if he bought
his own fags!
247
00:16:38,129 --> 00:16:41,929
It's easy, you just pick up a phone
and order a palace.
248
00:16:41,929 --> 00:16:44,489
Hey, that'd fetch Mrs Batty running,
eh?
249
00:16:44,489 --> 00:16:47,449
I wouldn't want it like this any
road.
250
00:16:47,449 --> 00:16:51,049
I'd have some right pigeon pictures
251
00:16:51,049 --> 00:16:54,289
You can see it, can't you?
A betting shop in cinemascope.
252
00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:57,369
The only bloke in England with
ferrets on his crest.
253
00:16:57,369 --> 00:17:03,249
Yes, I should clap me hands
and order Mrs Batty to be brought before my golden throne.
254
00:17:03,249 --> 00:17:06,169
I'd give her a whole wing.
255
00:17:06,169 --> 00:17:09,769
I give you three guesses who'd get
parson's nose.
256
00:17:09,769 --> 00:17:12,969
Aye, she'd be after me then would
Mrs Batty, eh?
257
00:17:12,969 --> 00:17:16,969
I'd put it to her straight, as soon
as she finished curtseying,
258
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:20,329
I'd say, "Righto, Nora, come on,
let's be knowing."
259
00:17:20,329 --> 00:17:23,829
How much do I owe you for
this clothes line? Get off.
260
00:17:23,829 --> 00:17:29,449
Wrong century, that's my problem,
you see, born too late for the age of elegance.
261
00:17:44,494 --> 00:17:46,374
LOUD BELCH
262
00:17:46,374 --> 00:17:49,694
Uh-oh, certain rumblings
in the catering trade.
263
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:53,774
The dog won't bite, but if you're
feeding the kids watch your fingers,
264
00:17:53,774 --> 00:17:57,014
especially this one, he's got teeth
like his mother.
265
00:17:57,014 --> 00:17:59,014
Look! She can't keep her hands
off me.
266
00:17:59,014 --> 00:18:02,414
Aye, we're all sexpots us simonites.
267
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,094
We know, look at your Albert.
268
00:18:04,094 --> 00:18:07,194
Aye, well, that were a mistake.
He thought he knew her.
269
00:18:07,194 --> 00:18:09,694
Well, couldn't he shake hands
like anybody else?
270
00:18:09,694 --> 00:18:13,334
Kids, off you go and play. Shaun,
take the baby for a walk.
271
00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:17,194
Come on, then. Give him some grass.
Don't go near the water now.
272
00:18:17,194 --> 00:18:19,894
You stay with your uncle.
Come on, lad.
273
00:18:20,214 --> 00:18:23,614
Ah, here, there you are, Julian,
274
00:18:23,614 --> 00:18:29,254
there you see your first man eating
pate, that's potted meat for Tories.
275
00:18:30,654 --> 00:18:35,894
She breeds like a duck, but she's
kept her figure, hey? I should have kept it away from you.
276
00:18:35,894 --> 00:18:40,414
I can't stand fellas who
obliterate the ends of paragraphs with HP Sauce.
277
00:18:40,414 --> 00:18:42,894
Have you finished here then you lot?
278
00:18:42,894 --> 00:18:45,654
Well, we have if you're going to get
violent.
279
00:18:45,654 --> 00:18:47,854
Well, take your mucky mess with you.
280
00:18:47,854 --> 00:18:51,254
She'd make a right bouncer that one.
Must be the duchess.
281
00:18:51,254 --> 00:18:55,054
Hey, duchess! Don't forget,
he's with us, tha knows.
282
00:18:55,054 --> 00:18:58,594
I shall deny it whoever you are.
283
00:19:01,134 --> 00:19:04,134
Where's the father?
He ought to be doing this.
284
00:19:04,134 --> 00:19:06,094
They've gone off on their own.
285
00:19:06,094 --> 00:19:08,534
They don't get much time on
their own.
286
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:11,134
They get quite enough
by the look of this lot.
287
00:19:11,134 --> 00:19:15,094
Julian, wipe you hand! Not on
my coat, there's a good lad.
288
00:19:15,094 --> 00:19:17,754
Use your hankie. Oh, not on there!
289
00:19:17,754 --> 00:19:22,454
Oh my god! Shut up whittling, Cyril.
Hold the water.
290
00:19:25,854 --> 00:19:29,194
CHILD WHINES
What did you say?
291
00:19:29,194 --> 00:19:32,254
Oh, now he wants to be picked up.
292
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:37,014
Well, pick him up, there's plenty
of places you can use for handle.
293
00:19:37,014 --> 00:19:39,254
Come on then, hey up.
294
00:19:39,254 --> 00:19:43,794
Oh dear, how can he be hungry
after eating all that lot.
295
00:19:43,794 --> 00:19:46,054
How's the baby?
296
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:51,294
Seems nice enough. But I think
they're more attractive when they've got all their fur.
297
00:19:51,294 --> 00:19:53,794
This is no way to see a stately home.
298
00:19:53,794 --> 00:19:57,854
He's eating again, I don't know
where he puts it.
299
00:19:57,854 --> 00:20:00,694
I can tell you where he puts it,
all down my trouser leg.
300
00:20:00,694 --> 00:20:04,054
They're completely out of control
these children.
301
00:20:04,054 --> 00:20:07,214
Oh, and they get a piece of string
and put it on the dog.
302
00:20:07,214 --> 00:20:10,334
Skin's funny stuff when you think
about it.
303
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:14,894
We started off like animals,
but we're going to finish off more like fruit.
304
00:20:14,894 --> 00:20:20,254
In summary, there is a set of six
stairs of Chippendale pattern.
305
00:20:20,254 --> 00:20:24,174
Closely following the pattern in
the cabinet maker's own book,
306
00:20:24,174 --> 00:20:27,294
The Director, published in 1754.
307
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:33,574
The earlier periods of oak and
walnut are represented by a fine set of six Dutch chairs.
308
00:20:33,574 --> 00:20:34,974
Come on. Just a moment.
309
00:20:34,974 --> 00:20:39,094
Let me remind you of Olly Aspinall,
to improve himself,
310
00:20:39,094 --> 00:20:42,174
and finally became a first class
prat. Shh.
311
00:20:44,694 --> 00:20:48,214
This staircase gives onto the
family's own private quarters
312
00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:49,454
whilst in residence.
313
00:20:50,094 --> 00:20:53,854
The present Earl is a man of wide
cultural and sporting interests,
314
00:20:53,854 --> 00:20:55,494
and, er...
RUSTLING
315
00:20:55,494 --> 00:21:00,254
Ah-ha. One moment. Just a moment,
your lordship, I have the keys.
316
00:21:05,174 --> 00:21:06,974
Just one moment, your lordship.
317
00:21:10,254 --> 00:21:12,494
Shan't keep you a moment,
your lordship.
318
00:21:12,494 --> 00:21:14,614
It's...it's these keys.
319
00:21:14,614 --> 00:21:18,614
I keep telling them it's obvious
they ought to be marked.
320
00:21:19,694 --> 00:21:21,694
But we don't always get
the same set.
321
00:21:21,694 --> 00:21:24,654
Our housekeeper gets
her fingers in them.
322
00:21:24,654 --> 00:21:27,574
I'm coming as fast as I can,
your lordship.
323
00:21:27,574 --> 00:21:29,854
She thinks she owns the place.
324
00:21:29,854 --> 00:21:33,814
Gets away with it because
certain parties fancy her.
325
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:37,054
And you should see
where she's allowed to park.
326
00:21:37,054 --> 00:21:41,974
We've got to leave our cars where
the great snorting British public
327
00:21:41,974 --> 00:21:43,254
can swarm all over 'em.
328
00:21:43,254 --> 00:21:46,614
Ah! Ah.
329
00:21:46,614 --> 00:21:49,454
Will you move back please,
just move back a little bit.
330
00:21:49,454 --> 00:21:53,094
Give us a little bit of elbow room,
come on. Get back there, that's it.
331
00:21:59,974 --> 00:22:03,354
I should fetch a shovel, old lad,
he's crapped all over t'carpet.
332
00:22:09,214 --> 00:22:11,894
No idea how to behave
on Ducal premises!
333
00:22:11,894 --> 00:22:13,374
Come on, at the double.
334
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:17,414
Oh, give over! No idea.
335
00:22:19,854 --> 00:22:21,774
Oh, they're coming.
336
00:22:21,774 --> 00:22:23,854
Hello. How are you?
337
00:22:23,854 --> 00:22:27,214
I'm not going in there. Come on!
338
00:22:27,214 --> 00:22:28,974
Here you are, lad, take care of dog.
339
00:22:31,134 --> 00:22:34,714
What would a lass like you do
for another barley wine? Nothing.
340
00:22:34,714 --> 00:22:37,534
Now, think twice before
you make a decision like that.
341
00:22:37,534 --> 00:22:39,854
It's too important
for snap judgments.
342
00:22:39,854 --> 00:22:41,174
Well, it's been a change.
343
00:22:41,174 --> 00:22:43,374
It's been a catastrophe,
a humiliation.
344
00:22:43,374 --> 00:22:45,734
Economical, though.
It don't cost much.
345
00:22:45,734 --> 00:22:48,254
Well, I enjoyed it.
Out in fresh air.
346
00:22:48,254 --> 00:22:51,334
Fresh air? You've been swilling ale
for the past two hours.
347
00:22:51,334 --> 00:22:54,134
Here, put your sleeve in here.
348
00:22:54,134 --> 00:22:57,454
Put your arm in there.
Stop waving it about!
349
00:22:57,454 --> 00:23:00,254
I can insert me own arm,
thank you very much.
350
00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:03,854
Here, I'll get Chip
to run us home past the woods.
351
00:23:03,854 --> 00:23:04,854
All right, Chip.
352
00:23:04,854 --> 00:23:06,174
All right, Compo.
353
00:23:06,174 --> 00:23:09,574
Yeah. There were at time when
I knew every inch of them woods.
354
00:23:09,574 --> 00:23:12,174
And the shortest way through
Rosemary Sutcliffe.
355
00:23:12,174 --> 00:23:14,134
Well, everybody knew that.
356
00:23:14,134 --> 00:23:15,414
I didn't.
357
00:23:15,414 --> 00:23:16,854
Everybody normal.
358
00:23:16,854 --> 00:23:19,134
I was perfectly normal,
thank you very much.
359
00:23:19,134 --> 00:23:22,714
I remember during the war,
I had plenty of offers.
360
00:23:22,714 --> 00:23:25,974
But I sweared an oath
to be faithful to Ann Shelton.
361
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:33,774
While the others were out carousing,
I was sitting, playing her records.
362
00:23:33,774 --> 00:23:35,174
You stupid pillock.
363
00:23:35,174 --> 00:23:38,774
You wouldn't understand.
You've never had any finer feelings.
364
00:23:38,774 --> 00:23:41,454
I've had finer feelings than that.
365
00:23:41,454 --> 00:23:43,334
She didn't even know you existed.
366
00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:45,534
Oh, yes, she did. I wrote to her.
367
00:23:45,534 --> 00:23:48,714
And one Monday night,
on the forces programme,
368
00:23:48,714 --> 00:23:51,254
she sang My Yiddische Momme
just for me.
369
00:23:51,254 --> 00:23:53,814
Oh, it's pathetic.
370
00:23:53,814 --> 00:23:56,714
It was a beautiful relationship.
371
00:23:56,714 --> 00:24:00,334
You know, I went into battle
with her letter on my person.
372
00:24:00,334 --> 00:24:01,914
She wrote to you?
373
00:24:01,914 --> 00:24:04,254
Yes. The letter said,
"dear listener",
374
00:24:04,254 --> 00:24:05,974
and the "dear" was underlined.
375
00:24:05,974 --> 00:24:09,014
The trouble was, I was torn
between here and Anne Ziegler.
376
00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:11,614
Why, didn't you fancy Webster Booth?
377
00:24:14,134 --> 00:24:18,054
You know what it's like.
When peace comes, you drift apart.
378
00:24:18,054 --> 00:24:21,174
The trouble was, they spoilt me
for other women.
379
00:24:21,174 --> 00:24:24,654
Her down at the rates office
seemed lacklustre by comparison.
380
00:24:24,654 --> 00:24:27,734
Of course, there were
the usual physical things.
381
00:24:27,734 --> 00:24:29,974
You know what it's like in wartime.
382
00:24:29,974 --> 00:24:31,934
Yes, it was peacetime, only darker.
383
00:24:33,014 --> 00:24:36,934
The night before battle,
one's thoughts drifted towards...
384
00:24:36,934 --> 00:24:37,934
Desertion?
385
00:24:37,934 --> 00:24:40,174
..Brief episodes of the flesh.
386
00:24:40,174 --> 00:24:41,854
Medical inspection.
387
00:24:41,854 --> 00:24:44,974
Ah! What what did you feel
when you got to t'tropics?
388
00:24:44,974 --> 00:24:47,614
I had prickly heat.
389
00:24:47,614 --> 00:24:54,074
Oh, very romantic(!) A giant moon,
and him scratching his bot!
390
00:24:55,214 --> 00:24:57,474
Just think, Cyril,
if it wasn't for the war,
391
00:24:57,474 --> 00:25:00,214
you'd have given up all
the golden moments of your youth
392
00:25:00,214 --> 00:25:01,494
for a life of dedication
393
00:25:01,494 --> 00:25:04,334
in the service of the Huddersfield
Coke and Gas Company.
394
00:25:04,334 --> 00:25:06,294
Well, I was sinking into the pension.
395
00:25:06,294 --> 00:25:08,274
Oh, you reckless sod!
396
00:25:09,294 --> 00:25:11,534
Anyway, I was perfectly normal.
397
00:25:11,534 --> 00:25:13,614
What, in them plus fours?
398
00:25:13,614 --> 00:25:17,014
Well, they were considered very smart
in those days, especially in my set.
399
00:25:17,014 --> 00:25:20,534
Your set?! You mean that spotty kid
that worked for t'tram company?
400
00:25:20,534 --> 00:25:23,374
His father had a car!
Very rare in them days.
401
00:25:23,374 --> 00:25:26,174
You shoulda seen it -
looks like somebody's shed!
402
00:25:26,174 --> 00:25:29,294
You must've been a right
youngblood in those days, Cyril,
403
00:25:29,294 --> 00:25:31,774
with your little 'tache,
and your first trilby.
404
00:25:31,774 --> 00:25:33,534
Soon passes, doesn't it?
405
00:25:33,534 --> 00:25:37,874
Aye. You don't get a lot of time
given for being 19.
406
00:25:41,534 --> 00:25:44,534
SINGING
407
00:25:46,574 --> 00:25:49,474
SINGING CONTINUES
408
00:25:50,474 --> 00:25:51,474
CHEERING
409
00:25:54,294 --> 00:25:56,274
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
410
00:26:03,214 --> 00:26:06,214
All the best, ta-ra.
411
00:26:08,494 --> 00:26:10,814
Here, time you and I were home.
412
00:26:10,814 --> 00:26:12,574
Oh, no!
413
00:26:12,574 --> 00:26:15,174
One for t'road.
414
00:26:16,494 --> 00:26:21,214
Here's wishing me every success
with my daily trouble and Mrs Batty.
415
00:26:21,214 --> 00:26:22,294
In that order?
416
00:26:24,294 --> 00:26:26,694
No, not necessarily.
417
00:26:30,274 --> 00:26:35,134
Here's to me brother-in-law, who
shows deep tact and understanding
418
00:26:35,134 --> 00:26:36,574
by keeping out of me way.
419
00:26:44,014 --> 00:26:46,174
Well, here's to the lady
420
00:26:46,174 --> 00:26:50,294
that managed the NAFFI
in Oswestry during the war...
421
00:26:50,294 --> 00:26:52,374
the one with the glasses.
422
00:26:53,125 --> 00:27:53,165
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423
00:27:53,215 --> 00:27:57,765
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