All language subtitles for How.to.Be.a.Man.2013.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG.Eng

Hey, little buddy.
It's your dad.

If you're watching this,
I'm probably dead.

But this is the first
in a series of videos

where I'm gonna show you
how to be a stand-up guy.

I'm gonna teach you how
to fight, like, literally fight,

and how to stand up
for yourself.

I'm gonna teach you
about, you know, your word

and character
and all this stuff.

And I'm not just gonna
yell at the computer,

I'm gonna have--
I'm gonna film it myself

and demonstrate live
exactly how to do everything.

Um...

How am I gonna do that?

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Fuck.

MAN:
Hike!

What did you close
your eyes for?

Can't expect to catch
a pass with eyes closed.

BOY:
I didn't.

MAN:
You flinched. I saw you.

You don't think
they gave me this ball

for flinching, do you?

Every college in the east
had a scout there that day.

Last one. Basic thrust.

Hold it here. Hold it here.

And we're gonna start
building...

MAN:
Are you satisfied
with the way you play football?

MOM: Bryan?
Oh, shit.

Bryan?
Bryan, come down here.

I'm coming. God.

I just saw this post.
It's an old friend of mine.

He's looking for a cameraman
to help him make a video.

I don't know.
Should call--

What do you mean
you don't know?

And wait a minute,
what are you doing here?

Don't you have
your own place?

Didn't I move you
into your own apartment?

I don't have Internet.

How much is Internet?
It's, like, a hundred dollars.

Oh, then, like, you need a job
and, like, you need money.

You think people are standing
out on the street

handing out jobs
to film majors?

By the way, how much did you
make up in your room today, huh?

Yeah, you're probably
masturbating to some MILFs.

Oh, gross, Mom.

Who is this guy?
Mark McCarthy.

He was a really funny comic
back in the late '80s.

He was on Arsenio Hall
and everything.

And now he works
for an ad agency.

He works for an ad agency?

You don't wanna make commercials
because you're too artsy?

It is a last resort.

That's what you do when
you can't get any other work.

Oh, shut your mouth,

you smell like marijuana.
You are calling him.

MARGOT:
So, what are you gonna do today?

MARK:
I have errands all day.

MARGOT:
Well, if Housewives comes on,
I'm not waiting.

I'm not a Housewives guy.

If you wanna have an affair
with them, that's fine.

I'm also
pretty confident about it

because I know
you can't get pregnant.

That is true.

Once you pop a baby in,
it seals up and then--

You don't worry
about affairs after that.

Like, I could get jizzed in,
like, three

or four times a day
and you would never know.

Don't say that.

You could go off
and run your errands

and I could just be like,
"Jizz in me."

And it's, like,
you wouldn't know. I'm pregnant.

♪ I'm not listening
to this stuff ♪

To a lot of guys,
this is a turn-on.

Some guys, they wanna jizz
in a pregnant lady.

Okay. I tuned back in
and it's still going.

They wanna pop it in--

Like, what if the baby--?

What if they jizzed
in the baby's mouth?

Hi, I'm Bryan.

Hi. Mark.

What kind
of movie is this?

What kind of head is that?

Are you a light bulb?

You look like a handsome Chinese
man stuffed into a child's body.

And that hat.

How much is that hat?
Uh, I don't know.

I think it was like 15 bucks.
Fifteen bucks.

Here. Here's 20 bucks.

And you can keep the change...
Why?

...because I don't wanna look
at that all day.

Let's go.

So, what's your deal anyway?
Are you--?

Are you, like, a little kid?

What do you mean? I'm 22.
Twenty-two.

Wow.

How did you hear
about this?

Actually,
my mom showed it to me.

She's Facebook friends with you.
She showed me your post.

Your mom
is Facebook friends with me?

Yep.

Wow. I'm old.

I'm old enough
to be your dad.

That's intense.

What's her name?
Barbara Gershgorn.

Barbara Gershgorn.
Yeah.

She worked at a comedy club
in the '80s

and she said
you did a lot of stand-up.

Is that her right there?

BRYAN:
Yeah.

She looks a lot
like a chick I used to fuck,

but older.

If she is
who I think she is,

she had this thing
with her pussy

where it was like a horse
eating an apple,

and it would sort of
devour your cock, like--

Her pussy would give you
a blow job

and you were almost worried
it's gonna pfft,

pop off
and go flying in her.

Those were the days, man.

I was on Arsenio,
did coke with Sam Kinison.

Now I watch reality TV and feel
guilty if I'm up past midnight.

So when do we get to the part
where you tell me about the job?

Is not a job.
It's an opportunity.

So you're not gonna pay me?

Yes. I am gonna pay you

in knowledge.

Um...

I need you to film me
teaching you

everything to know
about life.

And I need you to do it now

because I'm not
gonna be around for long.

Why? Where are you going?

Heaven. I'm dying.

I have breast cancer.

Are you joking?

My aunt just died
of breast cancer.

First of all,
I don't make jokes like that.

Secondly,
I'm not thrilled about it.

If it was up to me,
I'd have a way cooler cancer,

like rock 'n' roll cancer,
all right?

If we keep talking about it,
I'm gonna have a bad trip.

Men can get breast cancer?

Yes, they can!
Let's move on!

All right.
So, what do you need me to do?

Okay. I need you to film me

giving a bunch of life lessons
to my unborn son.

Isn't that--? Isn't that kind of
like that Michael Keaton film?

"Isn't that kind
of like Michael Keaton film?"

People make videos for
the future all the time, okay?

Is called a time capsule.

Now, pull out your camera
and start filming.

I'm gonna start
the video series

at the age where he'll start
understanding videos.

So I'm thinking, like, 11.

I've got a prosumer HD cam
and this Flip.

Which would you like me
to use?

I don't know. I don't know
you're talking about.

But yeah,
just start filming.

I wanna observe
boys' natural habitat.

Don't want people
to get the wrong idea.

That's what the sign's about.

BOY 1:
Left, left! Right, right!

MARK:
Okay.

BOY 1:
Yeah. In the face, in the face!

MARK:
You see that?

BOY 1:
Don't be a pussy.

The thing about bullies is,
they're always gonna be there.

You understand?

All you have to do to end
a bully is bonk him on the nose.

That's it.

Even if you get in a fight later
and you lose the fight,

the fact that you were
that much trouble

means he's never gonna mess
with you again.

Now,
I know what you're saying.

"Dad, what if I do get
in a fight? How do I fight?"

Great question.
Let's show you. Okay?

When someone attacks you
and it's gonna go down,

you just gotta be super-fast
and go, "Oh, shit, here we go."

Employ a super-fast combination,
then get the hell out of there.

Because what that does
with the brain is,

it bonks it
against the skull.

And that does
way more damage than just boop.

You wanna go boo, boo, boo.

So the poor brain goes
bam, bam, bam.

And that's when you get
a pass out. Okay?

And it helps to use bad grammar.
It makes you sound tougher.

"Look,
I don't want no trouble."

Right?

Now, once you know that,

once you have the basics
of fighting down,

all of a sudden,
bullies aren't so intimidating.

The fight isn't a big deal.

It's a very uncomfortable
six seconds

and then it's done.
It's just like diarrhea.

The way a dog
can smell fear,

a bully can smell
confidence.

Now, when you see a bully,
you're just sort of like,

"Hey, buddy,
what's going on?"

"Oh, cute, he's a tough guy.

You're being-- Look, everyone,
we got a tough guy here."

And then he senses that,
and gets freaked out.

There's nothing easier
than taking down a tough guy.

Because he's not really a tough
guy if he's acting like one.

Let me show you.

Get your stuff.
Let's go to this pack.

BOY 1:
You're not even hitting him.

Come on,
kick the shit out of him.

Hey.
Don't you be filming me, bitch.

You two faggots
wanna get fucked in the ass?

What are you doing
with that camera?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

BRYAN:
Mark! What is going on?

MARK:
Bryan!

BOY 1:
Right there.
You're gonna get it.

BOY 1:
Yes!

BOY 1:
You motherfuckers
are going to jail!

You're going to jail!

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪

Oh, cramping, cramping,
I'm cramping.

I'm cramping.
I'm cramping.

Ah, ow, ow, ow.

Dude,
we just beat up children.

It was collateral damage.

If you're making an omelet,
you gotta break some eggs.

You punched a kid in the nuts.
Yeah.

Did you hear him? He said
he was gonna fuck us in the ass.

He was a rapist.

Let's get out of here.
Okay.

Why would anybody eat
in a tapas place?

"Oh, I'm in the mood
for one oily meatball.

One piece of bacon."

I wouldn't mind bringing my oily
meatballs to a topless place.

Oh, my God.
What is that?

Wow, full turnaround
you just had.

No, it wasn't for her.
It was for her socks sandal--

Oh.

I can't believe you care about
women's clothes.

Like you're so metrosexual.

That's not women's clothes.
She's dressed like a German man.

She has sandals and socks on,
like a weird

goth from Stuttgart.
This is, like,

still a thing with you.

That was a beautiful girl.

You're like a hair
above being gay.

MARK: I would not fuck her.
MARGOT: Wow.

These are amazing, sweetie.
Thanks for making them.

Yeah.
Thanks so much, Mrs. McCarthy.

They're delicious.

So, what are you guys doing,
anyway?

Um, we can't tell you.
It's a surprise.

For me?
No.

Then why can't you tell me?

We just can't.

MARGOT: Okay.

Well, that's good, actually,

because I was worried
I was gonna have to,

like, expend the energy caring,
and I just--

I don't have that time today,
you know?

I'm, like, really busy.

I've got a lot of things
to think about,

like why do my feet hurt
so much?

She doesn't know I'm dying.
Why are my toes so fat?

Do I still have ankles? I don't.
I don't have ankles anymore.

It's just, like, leggy...

Okay, pal.
If you're watching this tape,

you're probably a new teen,

you've got tons and tons
of zits

and your pubes
look kind of weird.

This is around the age
where you start developing

your funny bone, okay?

You're gonna have riffs
with friends.

They're gonna get
more and more advanced.

There's two categories
with friend riffs,

either I'm gonna fuck you,
or I'm gonna kill you.

The peak, top, coolest,

best joke you can have
with a buddy is this:

Heh. "I was just reading in this
magazine about this guy

that super wants to sleep
with his best friend.

It was so stupid.
I was like, 'What? Ha-ha-ha.

I don't know.
Why are they--?

It was a questionnaire.

'Why are they talking
about this? Weird.'"

And if your friend is hilarious,
right? He'll go, "Really?

What did--?
What did it say he should do?"

Ha-ha-ha. Okay?

Once you got there,

you're at the very top
and everything else is gravy.

What else? What else?
What else?

Astrology. If a dude asks you
about astrology,

you shouldn't even know
your sign.

Astrology
is for babysitters.

The second someone asks you
about astrology,

you just go, hmm.

And walk off.

Also, never say
"Like, literally" okay?

Those are the two
worst things you can say.

"Like" means "sort of."

And "literally"
means "exactly." Okay?

"Like, literally"
is a contradiction.

That's how you know
you're with a bad dude,

because he's not
holding himself as a man.

A man has decorum, okay?

A man presents himself
properly.

And that means you have to dress
like you're in control.

Let me see this
for a second here.

Now, this is Bryan,

he's no son of mine,
but he's not a bad guy.

But I'm seeing
a lot of problems here.

First of all,
what is all this extra fabric?

Do you find your clothes
by the side of the road?

You look like someone who lost
maybe 200 pounds an hour ago.

And these.

These shower shoes
the kids are wearing today.

What if you're walking
and you get in a fight?

"My God,
get this guy out of here."

Look at that.

Dude.
Okay? You need to be apt.

You need to be able
to move around.

You know what
we're gonna do?

We're gonna get you
a whole new look

starting right now,
all right?

You're gonna look
like a man,

then I'll teach you
to act like a man.

♪ We don't give a fuck
This is real shit, nigga ♪

♪ We don't give a fuck
This is real shit, nigga ♪

♪ We don't give a fuck
This is real shit, nigga ♪

All right,
let's get started.

♪ If I really give a fuck ♪

♪ About how you felt
About how I wear my jeans ♪

♪ Fuck that ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel better knowing
That my crew is origin ♪

♪ In hindsight
I saw that your crew ♪

♪ Was trying to dress
Like mines ♪

♪ In tight pants ♪

♪ In hindsight
I saw that... ♪

Well, there's nothing there
I wanna--

♪ Was trying to dress
Like mines ♪

♪ In tight pants ♪

♪ In tight pants ♪

There.
Your makeover is complete.

Thank you.

Let's just do
this top button here.

It makes you look
like a sexy murderer.

Heh.
Wow.

Do you need those glasses?
For reading and driving.

Okay, you shouldn't read
when you drive.

Oh, all right.

MARK:
This is a man.

Bryan came in here dressed

like a mentally ill assassin
at a sleepover

and he's leaving here a man.

You look good, buddy.
How do you feel?

Thanks, man.
I feel great.

How you feeling?

How do I feel?

I feel bad.

I'm dying.

I do think
she looks better.

It's funny, though,
how, like, they reformed them,

but she's wearing as much
eyeliner as she always was.

But at least she has, like,
a softer lip, which I like.

You can't do eyes and lip,
you know,

because then
it's just too much.

You gotta just pick one because,
otherwise, you're like--

It looks like you give BJs
on the first date, right?

Mark.

WOMAN 1:
Get your * * * * out of my f.

WOMAN 2:
You better watch yourself.

MARGOT:
Mark?

Yeah?

MARGOT: Doesn't she look better?
Mm-hm.

She's cute now.

MAN:
We're gonna have to get
everything out there.

Heh. Nice shirt, cowboy.

Hurry up.

MARK:
Okay, grooming for a man
is very simple.

You take your soap bar,
you lather up your pubes.

That's how you get
a lather going,

with the friction, right?
Then take those suds

...and peel back your foreskin
and wash your head like that:

You do your balls.
You get down there, all right?

You turn around, you get
your ass crack, all right?

And then it's just
diddley diddley dee.

One armpit,
doodle doodle doo.

One armpit. Done.

No shower for a man should
be more than one minute long.

Oh, morning, honey.

What are you guys doing?

I told you.
He's filming with me.

Why?

He's doing
a documentary on me.

Why?

On-- On comed--

On people
who used to be comedians.

Well,
that sounds pretty boring.

That sounds boring?

You're saying
I'm boring?

Well, we're boring.
Sort of, yeah.

I don't know about you,
but I consider boring

to be about the worst thing
you can be.

Well, sorry, but that's what
you are now, so get used to it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.
Once I poop this baby out,

there's not gonna be any
late-night partying, okay?

There's not gonna be doing
whatever you want

or your stupid,
like, fart jokes.

No more fart jokes?
Okay, got it.

You don't get
to do shit anymore.

I'm home, you're home.
We are boring!

Fascinating.
Time to grow up, okay?

I'm having a child,
I don't need two.

Oh, okay. I get it now!
I'm boring and I'm a child!

I'm a boring child!

Yeah, bingo, you got it!

You're being
basically insane!

Get out of my bathroom.
I'm sorry.

Hey, little buddy.
This is your dad's office.

This is where I worked
before I died.

I've got a boner theme

that's going throughout
the whole office.

I know it has
kind of a rapey vibe.

And I keep all my rapey vibes
in here,

so things don't get
too out of control.

This holds 98 percent
of everything I own.

The rest is all bullshit.

Hey, guys. I told you
about the documentary

I'm doing,
so I assume that's cool.

Yeah. Yeah.

Whatever.
So great, we're all here.

CarPast is a thing
where you can check out

the history
of a used car online,

see if it's been
in any accidents.

Damages you might not
necessarily see cosmetically.

Can I do my thing? Because
I already have this nailed.

Great. Go.

All right, I'm gonna need
a prop. Let's use you, Rob.

Your body is perfect
for this.

Okay. Guy's
at a used-car lot, right?

He's looking at cars,
dubious chap.

Hmm.
"I don't like that one."

Hmm. He's smart.
He knows what he's doing.

Then he sees this third car.

We don't acknowledge that it's
a hot chick in a car costume.

Okay, imagine these
if they were perfect tits.

And she's got that thing on

where, you know,
when you can't see correctly?

When you have a costume on,
you have to go like that:

I love--
That's comedy gold right there.

And so I look at her,

and I'm treating her
like any other car,

and I go, "You all right?"

And she goes,
"Yeah, fine. Fine."

And then we sort of draw out
a stare where I'm going:

And then
she's sort of going:

And then, bloop, some sweat
comes from her face, right?

And then I decide
to test my hunch and I go--

And I just start pushing
on her stomach, right?

And then, as I'm pushing, worst,
grossest, food poisoning fart.

Like:

And I just go, "I knew it."

You're kidding, right?

No.

Wait, are you kidding?

Okay. All right, no, no.
I mean, that's--

It's fine for us
joking around in here,

but if we sent them that,
the client might think we--

Well, they might question
our competence.

I thought I was gonna get
a hundred high-fives here.

You're not gonna take it
to the client?

TONY:
Too much bathroom humor
for this brand.

You guys do your job, okay? I do
my job. My job is being funny.

You don't get funny.
Sorry, okay?

Who here has been on Arsenio?
Hands up.

One person.

This is a half-a-million-dollar
commercial.

I am not sending them
a fart joke.

Farts are comedy gold,
you idiot!

So wait,
I'm-- I'm gonna run around

defending your farts now,
is that it?

Look at a Ben Stiller movie.
Talk to the South Park guys.

We don't love it.
We don't like sitting,

typing out fart jokes,
but they pay the bills.

Look at anything
that's made money.

It has a fart joke in it because
it goes back to cave days, brrt.

Everyone laughed at that.

Okay.

Relax, all right? I'm not
sending that to the client.

It's not like
I'm firing you.

You can't fire me.

I can, actually.

Because I fucking quit!

What is Arsenio? Is that...?

I hope you got all that. I hope
you filmed every fucking drop.

Really? You're quitting
over a grade-school joke?

It's not about
toilet humor, Tony, okay?

It's about you
preventing me from doing my job

because you don't get
that art takes risks.

That computer
doesn't belong to you.

You know what?

Fuck you, dude!

Really? Ho--? Are you gonna
do this to me every week?

Just-- Will you just be a man
and apologize?

And we can move past this.
Be a man and apologize?

You want me to apologize?

Okay. How's this
for an apology, Tony?

Did you hear that?
That was my worst fart

and it still got a laugh.

I'm sick of pretending
I'm not talented.

Ugh! Fuck!

You guys like comedy?
Why not?

I don't like women
for one very simple reason.

They don't fart.

So I can't relate to them.

Farting is my everything.

It's what I live for.

And I don't just love the smell
of my own farts,

like I know you guys do.
I see you.

I know you scoop 'em.

I know you sit on the toilet
and you go,

"Whoa, that one reeked,"

and you enjoy it.

I'm with you on that,
obviously.

I like the smell
of my friends' farts.

If a friend lets one
rip in the car,

I don't want the windows
wound up.

I wanna enjoy it
like a rare cheese.

I'm interested
in its origin.

"Did it burn your anal lips
when it came out?

Did you know it was gonna be
this bad?

That has a very sort of
powerful after-tang to it.

It's got a roadkill
kind of vibe.

Do you eat dead rats?"

I'm sort of a fart gourmand.

I'm like the Mario Batali
of farts.

I quit my job for this.

Yup.

I quit my job,
got a pregnant wife,

and I'm dying
of male breast cancer.

Dude, I slayed.

Yeah, the part where
you were telling the truth.

Yeah, duh. Ever heard of
"It's funny because it's true"?

That's a lesson for you.
I never lie.

Always tell the truth.

Hey, Mark, can I talk to you
for a second?

Curt.

Did I kill or did I kill?

Yeah, sure,
you killed it, baby.

I wanna thank you
for letting me perform.

Okay.
Problem is you were required

to bring 15 heads to the club
and you only got six, so...

Seven.
He didn't pay.

Okay,
take me to comedy jail.

You owe me $135.

I still can't believe
I'm dying.

It's not sinking in.

My dad's still alive.

I never knew my dad.

Really? That blows.

Does your mom know
who he is?

No. She wasn't really...

A little tiny bit of a slut.

Hold on.

When I first met you
I was joking around

about being your dad,

but I'm starting to think
it could be true.

What year were you born?
1990.

Wow, that's when I was really
wasted and doing a lot of drugs.

And that picture
of your mom looks

pretty familiar.

Where have you been?
Guess what I did tonight.

Doing stand-up and killing.

Well, I mean, it was...

I killed. Killed.

Ah. I didn't know
you still wanted to do comedy.

It's who I am.
I just got out there on-stage

and I realized this is
what I'm about, you know?

Okay. Well, as long as it
doesn't interfere with your job.

Pfft. I quit my job.

What?

No, this is a new beginning.

Are you serious?

You quit your job?
Oh, my God.

You quit your job
that gives you benefits

and a salary while
your pregnant wife is at home.

Are you trying
to give me a miscarriage?

I'm going to storm out of here
very slowly.

I'm trying to be true to myself,
setting an example for the kid.

Why would you do that?
You need to relax.

That is a fucking
stupid thing to do!

I'm following my passion.

Your passion is stupid!

Shouldn't you--?
Take out the camera.

I got something.

Get it out now.

All right.

Hey, buddy.

You're probably
in your late teens by now,

and that means
you're super-horny

and all you can think about
is women.

I want you to know

that women are very hard
to deal with, okay?

They just
sort of spew emotions

like this big tsunami
of diarrhea.

You have to get out of the way
when that happens

and sort of grab your surfboard
and ride the waves

and sort of
manipulate the...

...the insanity
to work for you

in a way
that's not easy to do.

Uh...

Actually, cut. Cut.

I have an awesome idea.
Follow me.

WOMAN:
We don't deal with them
unless they pay less.

All right, all set.

Okay.

The hardest thing in the world
to do is the cold call.

What's a cold call?

Cold call-- You gotta let me
finish here, okay?

The cold call is when
you don't know the chick at all

and you're walking up to her and
saying, "Hey, how you doing?"

Just by doing that,
you're 100 percent admitting

that you're there
just because she's pretty.

You don't know anything
about her personality,

and so, what you're doing
is walking up and saying:

"Hi, I'm shallow."

That's a big hurdle
to get over.

The crucial thing here
is that you understand that it--

Women don't want some
nice, sweet, corny guy, okay?

They want a man.

They wanna be safe.
They wanna feel protected.

All right? That's your job.

They wanna be rescued.

They want a knight.
They want--

We have to save
the damsel in distress.

Yeah.

The problem is,

what kind of danger
are they in in a bar?

Yeah.

You know, there's no damsel
in distress.

No, there's no-- Yeah.

Princess in a high tower.

So, what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna fabricate

the princess
in the high tower, okay?

Sure.

Son, when we come back,

Bryan here
is going to be doing

what I like to call
the "wasted wingman."

Okay, cut.

What is that, exactly?

Okay, do you see
those girls over there?

Yeah.

I need you
to totally creep them out.

Dude, I don't wanna do that.

Yes, you need to be
a wasted dude

that is bumming them out
so I can rescue them.

Dude, I'm not gonna do that.

I'm your father and I'm telling
you you have to do that.

You're not my dad.

Well, I may have just cum
in your mom's cunt.

Man, enough of that shit.
Come on.

It's my dying wish.
You ever heard of death row?

They eat whatever
they want for their last meal.

They'll have ice cream
and steak, whatever.

This is my ice cream steak.

After I moved him across
the country in a U-Haul.

Oh, my God.
Wait, what did you say?

Hi. That's really se--
That's really sexy.

That's really--
It looks really good.

You know, I think you guys maybe
take-- Take a bath together.

What the hell, man? Well--

Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing?
Hey, fuck you.

No, fuck you, motherfucker.

Act like I just whispered
something super-scary.

Get out of here.

What are you drinking?

It was a gin and tonic,
but don't worry about it.

I'm worried about it.
And what about you?

Same.

MARK:
Two gin and tonics, please.

Oh. I'm glad
you are strangers.

If you were my wife,
I would've murdered him.

Not-- I'm not married.

I'm just saying like if I--
My sister or whatever.

Because your adrenaline
is like:

Were you scared?

Yeah, I was a little bit.
Sort of.

Did you hear about that bum
on Bowery recently,

stabbed a guy in the eye
with a fork at Moby's tea shop?

Yeah, the guy just said,
"Can you move, please?"

The bum goes, prrt.
WOMAN 1: Oh, God.

Through his eye
into his brain.

I'm more scared of drunk guys
than I am of gangsters.

With a gangster,
you think he might have a gun,

a bum definitely has a fork.

He doesn't have anything to eat,
but he's got a fork.

You were fucking amazing,
by the way.

Dude,
I don't remember anything.

Literally, I just shut off
and went into autopilot

and watched myself
from outside my body.

See that thing I did
where I said,

"What if we were married?"
Threw a wife thing in there?

You slip into the friend zone
if you don't do that.

Yeah, yeah,
but you had them laughing.

What if you're just
not funny?

The secret to humor
is brutal honesty, right?

With some vulnerability
on top,

and then just a sprinkling
of insightful commentary

or some kind of pun
to tie it in a bow at the end.

Mm.

Like,
I actually am scared of bums.

But sometimes
I get nervous, you know?

I-- I get shaky,
my voice, it trembles.

Do you know
about shitty tits?

It's the best-kept secret in the
history of picking up chicks.

Are you ready?

If you're intimidated by a girl
and she seems too hot for you.

just imagine her

having the worst breasts
in the entire universe.

But I don't just mean not great
tits, I mean the worst sagging,

wrinkly, veiny,
Star Wars bar monsters

with huge lumpy nipples and
a giant cavernous belly button

with coarse hairs
going down in a big hair trail,

and big,
like, broom bristles.

Zit, zit, zit.

Like a homeless
Romanian 90-year-old

who's dying of tumors.

Oh, my God,
you're gonna make me puke, dude.

Are you a virgin?

That's, like--
Oh, my God, you are!

Oh, my God, I have
so much knowledge to impart.

I don't know where to begin.
Okay.

If you feel
like you're gonna cum too soon,

imagine Kevin Spacey's head,
7 feet tall,

floating above the bed,
and just focus on that.

Uh, if she takes you home,
that means "yes."

Oh, and "no" doesn't mean no.
Three "noes" means no.

One "no" is like, uh, maybe.

Two "noes"
is you're not doing a good job.

Three "noes"
is get out of there, give up.

You have to understand
with women.

You can totally subjugate them,
defile them, abuse them.

You can make them
a colostomy bag for your cum

if, and this is a big if,

if you treat them
like a human being after.

You wipe your cum
off the face.

"Oh, no,
who did this to my baby?"

You know? You have to make her
breakfast. Have to eat her out.

Dude,
it's so much to remember.

Don't know how to eat
out a chick, do you?

Dude, of course.
I mean, come on.

That wasn't even close.

What do you mean?

Okay.

What you just showed me
right there was this:

I'm just like you, buddy.

I wanna get in there.
I'm hungry.

I'm a pig at the trough.

Okay? But you're like an eel

going into someone's body.
That's freaky for a lady.

Right?
You gotta ease her into it.

Imagine she's like a wild,
crazy horse.

You don't go, "Hey,
crazy horse," tickle, tickle.

Like, grab his nuts. Bssh.

They'll just kick you
out of the way. You have to go:

Shh.

"It's okay, Crazy Horse,
stay calm."

You start her
at the very beginning, okay?

Brrt.

You just lay your tongue
on her vagina

just like a wet rug.

Just plop it down, okay?

And then you know
what you do?

Nothing.

One-1000,
two-1000, three-1000.

We're just sitting there,
she's thinking,

"Okay. Now he's not a hungry
beaver eating out my corn,

but what's going on
down there?

Nothing is going on.

Oh, no, wait, something
is going-- Oh, what's this?

We're moving right to left.

We've got some momentum here

and we're probably starting.
Okay, we're st--

What happened?

Uh-- Oh, I guess he sto--
Oh, here we go again.

Oh, there's a fast one.
No--"

Uh--

You see? You're building
anticipation here.

You have to be
totally unpredictable.

So you're starting and then:

"Oh, I'm done.
I'm not doing it anymore.

No, I'm back.
Now I'm going fast."

Windshield wipers,
windshield wipers.

Oh, now the battery's low...

So now she's going,

"Is he gonna eat this thing
or what? Come on."

That's sending
the blood down.

All the nerve endings
are getting blood.

Everyone in the body, "Hey, hear
about this pussy-eating thing?"

And everyone goes to the vagina.
"Oh, I gotta check this out."

Around now you start feeling
some juices going.

Once you feel the juices,

that's the time
to ramp it up a bit,

and maybe, just maybe,
see, you don't even know,

maybe get a frequency going.

"Oh, boy, here we go.
Now we're cooking with gas.

Doot doo doo, doot doo doo.

Now we're gonna go to the end.
Now we're feeling some--"

What--?

Just wait it out.

"What is he doing?"
Now you start feeling this.

"Oh, my God. Oh, please."
Anticipation, "Lick it."

"I might. I might just get up
and go to work right now.

I might go up
and have a bowl of cereal."

"No, I'm not. Now, I'm--"
And then she's like,

"Oh, fuck, thank God.
He's not giving up."

Now we're gonna go to the finish
line. We feel the quivering.

It's just a mound of mucus.

And it's time to do
the whole beaver thing, right?

Just start like that.
Go as fast as you can, right?

Yeah.

Wrong.
Now, the final 10 percent,

we do what's called
"the man in the boat isolation."

Okay, so you just
wanna focus on this guy.

The man in the boat?

The clit.
You see, there's all kinds

of labia and hair
and crap around there.

So you just wanna push all
that aside with your mouth

and just focus on the man
in the boat.

And now you just start
giving him.

And you're just--
Punching bag, speed bag.

Bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda-bdda.

And you just slap the shit
out of it. "You fucker.

You owe me 300 bucks.

You keep lying about it."
Bam, bam, bam.

You suck it all in
and you create a vacuum.

And you're just going,
boom, boom, boom.

And it's going, "Holy shit."

And rrt, and it's gonna hurt,

okay, because your tongue's
exhausted.

But you gotta go for the goal.
You keep going, rrt.

"Oh, Jesus Christ."

Now you're going
fucking bananas on it.

Now you're that beaver
eating the corn.

"Oh, fucking..."

And then,
once it's all over,

instead of getting up
and going, prrt, you go, whew.

And you go back to that wet rug
from the beginning.

You just bookend it
with that.

Just lay it down there
for a few seconds.

And you're done.

And now she's yours,
forever.

MARK:
Whoa.

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's go get some coke.

What is this place?

It's a gay bar.

What, like, with gay people?

No.

I was just staring. You know,
so I'm in the other seat

and I'm just staring.

Still, he got really angry
about the whole thing.

And I was sitting there,
I was like--

Hey.

I don't know
if you guys remember me.

I used to come in here
all the time. I'm Mark.

Mark.

Yeah, you're Jo.
Jo.

Sparkles.
Yeah.

Just give me a 20 bag.

It's another 60,
it's 80 bucks.

You don't do
20 bags anymore?

Yeah, I do 20 bags,

if you take a time machine
and go back 30 years.

What are you talking about,
20 bags, this guy?

Oh, man,
that's so much blow.

There. Thanks
for the year's supply of coke.

Let me see your dick.
Oh, come on.

Are you kidding me?
You're still doing that?

Eh. Quick. Just quick.

Fuck.

This is humiliating.

Here we go.
Not bad.

Turn--
Flip it over a little--

Okay. All right.
Let me see your dick?

Me?
Jo: Yeah.

No. I'm not doing that.
Just pull it out for one second.

Just flash it, zoop.
BRYAN: No.

Quick shot of your cock.
Just let me see your cock.

Do you want coke or not?
No, I don't, actually.

It's all right.

Really?
Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.

It's all you.
Take it. All right, guys.

Thanks a lot.

What was that?

I know, right?

It looked
like a Rob Zombie clown

joined Tenacious D
or something.

No, you let him
sexually assault you.

Uh, I don't see it that way.

And you said "thank you."

Cops have a mental vocabulary
when it comes to crime, okay?

If they see you tapping out coke
on your hand

or using a key bump,
they go:

"Hey, I know what that is.
I have a trigger."

But when you do
something crazy,

like what I like to call
a palm bump...

Oh, man.

...they just see
a mentally-ill guy

slicking back his hair,
right?

You just do it in public
like that?

Do what?
I just went like this,

and I thought
about something and I'm--

Eh. Uh...

It's called perceptual
blindness.

When the Indians first saw
the boats come with Columbus,

they didn't see anything

because their brains didn't have
a department for that.

So they couldn't
handle them.

They just went, "I see nothing,
just an ocean."

What do you mean?

You can become invisible
to cops

if you do cocaine
in a weird way.

You're gonna lose some
on your face, but--

Can I try?

Sure.

Wow, you have a gift.

You have a tiny bit on your nose
and that's about it.

Okay. Let's do bar etiquette,
number 37.

This is the 340th rule
of page A, section B.

Wow, that's a lot of them.

Man in a bar doesn't have
a credit card, has cash,

orders the cheapest beer
around.

Can we get two
of your cheapest beers, please?

Okay? You notice I didn't have
a fruity drink, okay?

I'm not trying
to disguise the fact

that we're eating
rotten barley and oats.

Yeah.
You understand? This is poison.

We're here basically
at a alcohol crack house

to poison our bodies.

They don't do that
with heroin.

They don't have
strawberry heroin, right?

I don't know.
We should get some heroin.

What, dude?
Yes.

And I'm not getting a wine

or a cocktail
or some sort of fruity drink

where you have
to hold the stem.

"Oh, the stem.
I have a little flower.

I'm a smart lady,
I'm a businesswoman."

We don't do that, right?
Get that guy out of here.

Get that guy out of here.
Those are stupid.

With your credit card
cocktails.

Ladies,
I would like to introduce you

to a fucking asshole.

This guy came up to me outside
and he said,

"I would like to apologize,
dude. I was wasted."

I go, "Wrong gender, man.

You got to apologize
to those two girls in the bar."

Yeah.

I'm really sorry,
I was really drunk,

and it's really stupid
and I'm sorry.

Whatever.
We are totally over it, right?

We are.
We're over it.

Beautiful.

GIRLS:
We're over it. We're over it.

The trio of victims
accept your apology.

Whoa.

I don't remember you
being as hot.

Did you do something
since we were last here?

I have to talk to you.

If we talk, I'm gonna have
to talk like this...a blind man.

Every time I look at you,

it's like a flashbulb
went off

and I can see your face
everywhere.

BOTH: Stop.
It's like staring at the sun.

You know what I want?
I want Sharia Law in here.

Can we get two burkas
for the ladies, please?

Oh, my God.

This is getting too intense,
I can't hack it.

It's too much.
It's like Medusa in reverse.

What, they're, like,
turning statues into people?

Yes.
That's what they're doing.

Look at this guy. He's bugging
you when he's drunk.

Now he's sober,
he's a metaphor nut.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Whoa, Dude, what are you doing?
I'm having some fun, my man.

GIRL:
Please tell me you have coke.

MARK:
That is so.

This is really good shit,
it's super-strong.

Really?
Yeah.

It's gonna make
your whole face go numb.

I'm just gonna break it
in for you.

Aah.
Pa-koo-ahh!

There you go. There's that
and there's that.

Oh, my God.
You're so fucking hot.

Oh, I wanna see your tits
so fucking bad.

Let me see your tits.

Holy fucking shit,
they are so perfect.

Oh, my God.
I love your tits.

I love your fucking tits
so much.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, take it out.

Oh, my fu-ckin' God.

MAN :
The fact that you believe
it's gonna happen,

and some of that is delusion
and some of that--

WOMAN:
God bless you.

MAN:
Some of that
is just perseverance

and faith
and all those good things

that people try not
to believe in anymore,

but it works, and one day

something changes
and you feel better.

WOMAN:
And you hit it. I don't think
it's a delusion at all.

Rolling Stone said maybe
our next Richard--
Right?

MARK :
I love your fucking tits
so much.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck, take it out.

Oh, my God.

Come on, are you kidding me?

Oh, great.
The-- My Clarks fit in with--

Vintage Nikes, those--
Just throw those on the--

Ow! You just hit me.

Those are my custom
Chuck Tayl-- Ow!

You just hit me
with a steel-toed boot.

Can I get some clothes,
please?

Those are yours. That's a shoe.
Oh, great. I'm not a millipede.

Okay, we're good for shoes.
I'd like some pants.

Oh, for fuck sakes.

Are you--?
Why are you filming this?

Do you wanna talk
about what just happened?

Absolutely not.

Your wife
just kicked you out.

Yeah? Well, maybe
she's collateral damage too.

Don't film this.

I don't have anything--
BOY: That's him!

You.
Kick my son in the nuts?

I don't know who that is.

That's him, Dad.
Sure as shit.

MARK:
Oh!

Get him!

Okay. This is a big man.

One more for the road,
bitch.

Fuck. Ugh.

Why didn't you have my back?

Ever heard
of having a homey's back? Ugh.

See that guy sucker punch me?
Yeah.

Oh, great.
Now I'm that guy.

You know
what a fight face is?

After every fight,

guys wanna look
like they're not fazed,

so they'll go:

"Did you see that guy
sucker punch me?

What a bitch."

But their adrenalin
is pumping so much

that instead of going
like this:

They go like this:

They go, "Do you see
that guy sucker punch me?"

It's a fight face.

Wish I had--
Do you have any weed?

No.

My balls still kill.
Oh, dude.

Weed is good for that, I heard,
and glaucoma.

I don't know.
Hey, turn on the camera,

I got an idea.

All right.

Let's do a whole drug guide.

Cool.

He's getting older now.

He's gonna need
to know the basics.

Hey, buddy, um,

don't eat ice cream when
you're growing up, by the way.

I'm having this

because I was just
in a fistfight

with some guy.

I wanna tell you
about drugs.

Now, if you're 14
or something,

don't listen to this.
You're too young.

If you're getting older
and they're around,

don't do them,

but if you do do them,
here's the basics:

Weed is good. It's funny,

it's bad for homework,
and bad for your grades, okay?

It's for having sex
and watching horror movies

and laughing
with your friends.

It's not for doing homework,

and don't be stoned
at school, okay?

Cocaine is fun,
it's an easy way to get laid,

but it turns your dick
into a baby sock.

Heroin is Russian roulette.

Every time you do it,
you're just going,

"Gee, hope I don't die."

If you shoot it into your veins,
you will die.

Have you--?
Have you done heroin?

Of course I've done heroin.

Why would I be giving heroin
advice if I haven't done it?

You don't believe me?

No. You just said
that you'd die.

Let's get some heroin right now.
Come on, we're getting heroin.

WOMAN:
Hello.

Hey, is Gary there?

He's at work. Who's this?

He's at work? Where?
Is he back at the restaurant?

Who is this?

GARY:
Okay, great. No, no, no. You--

No filming here, okay? Sorry.
Gary. Mark?

Comedian? Arsenio?

Holy shit, Mark!

My God. Didn't recognize you
with the beard.

Weird, eh?
You look good.

You look amazing.

It's been a long time, man.

Holy shit. Is this your kid?
No.

Dude, are you famous now?

I'm still doing comedy,

but I'm not partying as much,
I'll tell you that.

Yeah? Good, man. Me too.
Me too. I got clean.

I just had my big chocolate cake
last week.

Tasted really good, man. I'm--
It's a whole new life for me.

Yeah. You want a cappuccino?

They have
the best cappuccino.

I'll get you some.
You take a guido pill?

You're Mr. Italiano now.

You-- Come on, I'm half-Italian.
You didn't know?

I'm mezzo Italiano.
MARK: Hey.

This place kind
of brings it out of me.

MARK:
Get the fuck out of here.

"Hey, get the fuck out--"
Ha, you're funny still, man.

That's bad.
Why?

In NA,
cokeheads get vanilla cake

and junkies
get chocolate cake,

but not after being clean
for a long time.

That's great.
No.

Alrighty. Alrighty. Alrighty.
Hey.

Hey, I gotta say, man,

seeing someone
from the old days,

it's weird, right?
So weird.

Fucking weird.

It's bringing back some
memories too, you know? I'm--

We used to do some wild shit,
he and me, you know?

Really fucked-up shit.

How old are you?
Twenty-two.

Twenty-two.
I can speak in front of him?

It depends
what you're gonna say.

Remember Linda Kim?

Oh, her tits.

Linda Kim's tits,
they were these fucking--

They-- They were long.
MARK: Yeah.

They drooped down,
like, beneath her pussy.

I was titty-fucking her,

she leaned forward,
I'm like, "What the fuck?"

I looked down,
she put my dick

into her pussy
through her fucking tits.

I was titty-fucking her.

It was fucking amazing.

She died--
You know, she died last year.

What?

Yeah. She choked to death.

What are you talking about?

On a fucking dick.
I don't keep track of Linda Kim.

Man. Shit.

How's the cappuccino?
Best in the world, right?

It's--
Could you get us heroin?

What's that?

It's for this documentary
we're doing.

You're making a documen--

That's some Arsenio shit
right there, right?

That's some new material.
That's very funny.

Not so much, really. But--

I'm not kidding.

You came here
to get heroin from me, Mark?

That shit almost killed me.
I'm not gonna get you fucking--

What do you want heroin for?

It's hard to explain.

We just thought
we'd get some contacts

and we would go do it,
not you.

I got rid of all my contacts
when I got sober, man.

I'm-- I am happily clean.

I think you should leave, okay?
I'm sorry.

Cool. Sorry.
Yeah. Sorry.

We'll just--
We'll go to the park

and we'll figure it out
eventually.

You're not gonna go
to the park.

Chicken walkers cut that shit
with rat poison,

it could kill you.

We're big boys, okay?
We can do this.

You're not gon--

Ah, Gesù Cristo.

Okay, I don't have
their number anymore,

but I know these guys,
they live on Flatbush,

but you cannot go there
by yourself. They'll kill you.

Flatbush? By Rita's old place?
Yeah.

Your house? Your old house?

I stayed in the house for
two months without leaving.

I can see how you thought
I lived there.

MARK:
Wow.

That's perfect now.

Listen to me, listen to me.

You cannot go there
by yourself. I--

They will fucking end you.

They've killed men
in that house.

All right.

Mar-- Come on.
You're not going.

All right. Sure.

Good.
So you're not gonna go.

Look, we got this.

Thank you so much
for helping out.

Okay. You know, but--
We were never here.

I shouldn't have
fucking said anything, man.

We appreciate your help.
You're not gonna go, right?

You look good.

Imagine this
never happened, okay?

Poof! Big cloud of smoke.

Arrivederci.

Thank you.

God, grant me serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,

courage to change
the things I can.

Ah, motherfucker.

GARY:
Don't look at 'em.
Don't look at 'em.

Don't look at 'em.

All right, this is it.
So, guys, just-- Just--

I'm gonna
go get your fucking drugs.

I want you to stay here.
Don't move.

Do not fucking make eye contact
with anybody, okay?

And don't bring your camera out.
These people feel disrespected,

they will swarm you, they will
surround you, beat you,

spit in your mouth.
They'll take turns.

It's like a dominance thing,
I don't understand it.

All right.

So--

Are you kidding me?

Bundles, fool.
Give me a fuck--

Yes.

Fuck.

This turned
into a weird fucking day, man.

It did, right?

Man.

BRYAN:
Man, this is so fucked-up.

I know.
I wish you could get this.

I wish you had hidden cameras
in your backpack.

I don't care
about the filming, dude.

What we're doing here,

why we're here,

who we're giving money to,
it's just fucked.

Will you stop
being such a fucking pussy?

A man is only as good
as his word, right?

I said I was gonna do something,
I followed through.

It's called character.

You're learning
a lesson here today.

Open your hand.

There's your heroin, all right?
Thank you.

Clean cut. Welcome.
You're a good man.

You're a good boy.
Holy fuck.

Don't look at 'em. Don't look
at 'em. Don't look at 'em.

BRYAN:
We can do this here,
but if my roommate comes back,

he's gonna freak.

Okay. Turn the camera on.

Hello, son. This is heroin.

If you do this,
you'll be like me, and I'm dead.

We've got about one, two,
four, six, eight, nine?

We've got nine bags here
for some reason.

And most junkies would do

this whole bundle
in one session and be dead.

So I'm gonna show you
just from a key bump

how bad and how evil
this drug is.

Haven't done this
in a long time.

Okay, watch this.

Oh, that's a big one.

It makes you say weird things
because it stings.

I want to know what the things
that I said are.

They might be Chinese.

And our buddy, Bryan,
is gonna do a little bump too.

I'm not doing that.

It's my dying wish.

I gave you a dying wish
last night.

No, I said, "I think that
was one of my dying wishes."

You didn't. You didn't.
I said "wishes."

Wishes.
You said "wish."

Yeah, but it's one
of those words, listen.

My dy-- I have a lot
of dying wishes.

That's not how you say
"wishes."

Wishes.
No. That's not
how you say "wishes."

No, you say it clear.
You have good diction.

Wishes. I'm kind of sloppy
when I talk and I go:

"Hey, I have a lot
of dying wishes."

Well, it doesn't matter.

I gave you a dying wish
last night. It's--

I'm dying.

Is there any chance at all that
that could give me an overdose?

No.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you should feel the nod
in about five seconds or so.

It's really evil.

♪ Every morning's
Another chance ♪

I'm gonna puke.

Film this.

Film this.

♪ Owning nothing
In the world ♪

♪ Maybe then a lightness
Will come to you ♪

Oh, it's not that bad,
actually.

♪ Come ♪

♪ To you ♪

Um, Bryan?

What are--?
What are you doing?

What the fuck?

What is--?

Who is this old dude?
Shut up!

Bryan, you're not being
a very good roommate right now,

and I would really appreciate it
if you could please--

BRYAN:
What the fuck?

Oh, I'm hungry.

Try some of this.
It's space food.

No.

It's like eating a steak.

Hey. Gary?

Jesus Christ, Gary.
What happened?

You know, man,
I'm just standing here.

No, no, no. What the fuck
happened to your face?

My face?

You're all fucked-up.
Your lip's split open.

Oh, man, the guy--
Yeah, these guys--

They came out of nowhere and
they fucking beat me up, man.

They took my shit.
What guys?

The dealers
from the other day, man.

One of them spat
in my mouth, man.

It fucking sucked.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Bryan, turn the camera on now.
You need to learn this.

This is called
having your homey's back

and doing what's right.

Hey, hey, hey.

♪ Express yourself
Express yourself ♪

♪ Express yourself
Express yourself ♪

♪ Put your
Put your back in it ♪

♪ Put your, put your
Put your back in it ♪

♪ Put your
Put your back in it ♪

♪ Put your, put your
Put your back in it ♪

♪ Now, put your, put your
Put your, put your ♪

♪ Put your back in it
Bend over, touch the floor ♪

♪ Get your, get your, get your
Get low, now ♪

What's up, niggas?

No!

No!

BRYAN:
No, no, no!

Fucking Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ!

What do you think
you're gonna do, huh?

You stupid motherfucker!

What the fuck?

Heh. Look at my shirt.
It's totally spotless.

Fuck your shirt.

We could've died back there.

I know.
Don't you feel alive?

I've never felt more alive.

How did I end up here?

How did I end up
with this fucking fool?

How did you trick me
into listening to you?

I'm done.
What?

We gotta finish.

Finish what?

They have the camera.

Finish this fucking
bullshit project

that's just
ruining people's lives?

Come on, man,
don't be a coward.

Be a man.

Be a man? Be a fucking man?

You just got your friend
back on junk!

You lost your job
and your wife

who's not even gonna tell
your son about you!

You thought she was gonna
show him these tapes?

Why would she do that?

You'd be a fucking
awful father.

If you are my dad,
I'm glad you were never around.

Having you for a father would
be worse than no father at all.

♪ If a penny rolls away ♪

♪ I will have lost
Everything? ♪

That's how it was
with Jeff Foxworthy, you know.

He was working, I don't know,
real estate or some boring job

and then he tells his wife,
"I wanna do comedy."

And she supports him.

They probably have
a tough time,

and I think
they even had kids at the time.

But he kicks ass
and the next thing you know,

he's got
the Blue Comedy comedy tour.

MARK:
He's got his own cable guy.

He's even in that
shit movie Cars.

Is there any more of this?

MAN :
Well, it is time to choose.

Will it be Ayel,
who is a pyromaniac,

smokes marijuana every day...
Gross.

and slept with her
male friend's girlfriend?

Man, let's get out of here.

And go where?

Let's go to a bar.

Let's pick up
some fucking chicks, man.

Pick up chicks?

Man, we live
in New York City,

why are we sitting here
watching TV?

A man who searches in haste
will never be found.

Once you discover yourself,

it is they
who will be picking you up.

You sound like a fat chick
trying to be sexy.

Fuck off.

Okay.

Sandwiches are big.

Whoa.

Must have been easy
to invent shit back then.

Hero sandwich.

Can I get a beer?
What do you want?

Can I see your wine list?
Thanks.

So, uh...

Thanks.

Hmm.
Listen, there's something

I've been meaning
to talk to you about.

Um... the other day,

when you and that old guy
were passed out--

Oh, man, I don't even
hang out with him anymore.

That's good. I don't want
people like that in my life.

Yeah. Yeah,
I'm sorry about that, man.

I really barely remember it,
I was so fucked-up on heroin.

Yeah.

Heroin?
Yeah. It's crazy.

It's-- I mean,
it's a really long story.

Uh-huh.

Just so you know, um,

hard drugs in my apartment,

kind of a no-no.

Wait, in your apartment?

You know if a cop saw that,

then I'm an accessory
to, like, literally...

fuck.

What are you talking about?

What are you even saying
right now?

And another thing,
it's not your apartment.

It's my apartment.

I invited you
to live with me.

Here we go with a classic
Capricorn overreaction.

Classic.

I want you to move out.

To what?

No. Listen, I don't think you're
understanding me right now.

What I'm saying--

No. I understand perfectly.

I don't wanna
be around you anymore.

You're moving out.

No, I'm not.

You can't make me. Heh.

Okay, there's two ways
this can go down.

Option one:

you pack your shit up
and move out.

Option two:
I beat your ass right now

and then you pack your shit up
and you move out.

What if I want option two?

Well, that's a great option.

I actually prefer
that option.

Do you wanna have a short one
here in the bar

or you like to go outside
and have a real fight?

Fuck you, man.

You're a idiot!

Oh, so you don't want
to fight?

I thought you just said
you wanted to fight me.

Did you hear that guy?

He called me "a idiot."

BOTH: Heh-heh.
I know.

It's ironic because it's such
an idiotic thing to say.

Yeah.

I should've known
he was a douche

when he started talking
about astrology.

You know what?

I'm, like, borderline obsessed
with that shit.

But even I have to admit
that when guys are into it,

it's, like, really
not a good look.

Right? I mean, it's a game
that guys should just not play.

It's like hopscotch.

And I don't think girls
actually believe in it, either.

If you're in love with me,

it's not like you wouldn't
marry me because I've--

You found out
I was a Scorpio or something.

Oh, so we're
getting married now?

No. No, I mean,
we're not getting married

for, like, a year.

What happened
to your eye?

♪ Why do I find it
So hard ♪

♪ To move on ♪

♪ Feels a crime ♪

I thought I could
help people, you know.

I just ended up fucking up
everybody's life.

Fucked up my own life.

I'm like the King Midas
of shit.

Everything I touch
turns to puke.

It's actually good
that I'm dying.

The world would be better off
without me.

My son won't know
what a fuck-up I am.

Was.

Are you gonna eat that?

WOMAN:
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I just realized
something really important.

And I have to do it

and I'll be right back,
I promise.

Trust me.

Where are you going?

Mark?

Mark.

Wake up.
You were right. Mostly.

No, you were right.

I'm a total deadbeat.

You're better off
without me.

No. No, I'm not.

You were right about girls
and about how to dress

and about following your dreams
and not taking shit.

Oh, and also astrology.

You were right
about your character

and making your word
mean something.

Really?

Yeah.

This is you.

Okay.

Okay.
So this is what you taught me.

Yeah. I'm an idiot.

It's all a pile of shit.

No, it's not. It's not.

Just this little piece.

This piece here.
You see this?

That's collateral damage.

That's shit.

Because that says:

"Do whatever you need to do
to get the job done.

Fuck people over.
Do whatever it takes."

That's not what a man does.

A man takes responsibility
for his actions.

All of his actions.

That part's bad.

But all this is good.

Oh.

All this is good?

Don't do that.

You started this thing
thinking you knew everything.

And I've learned a lot
from you,

but I also learned
what not to do.

So now you can learn
from that.

Do you get it?

That's a trip.

Because now,
I'm learning something from you.

Put that shit down.

Come on, buddy. Get up.

So the other day,

I was reading
this message board.

This guy made a post

where he was working
on a documentary.

And he's working
with an older guy.

Oh, yeah?

He doesn't know what to do.
He's feeling all complicated

because he's getting
all these feelings.

Yeah.

And he's been working
with this guy

so long now that he, like--

He really wants to fuck him.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

That's so stupid.

I know. It's so dumb.

So the guy in the message board
was asking if--

What he should do
about this guy he wants to--

Old dude he wants to fuck?

Yeah.

So, what did everyone say
he should do?

Dude.

You're gonna get
your wife back.

I know.
Yeah. Right now.

You gotta go tell her the truth.
Never lie, remember?

She doesn't wanna see
my face right now.

Since when
do you just give up?

You know,
Zach Braff made this movie

where he camps out
on this girl's--

Yeah, The Last Kiss.

So Zach Braff, he camped out
on this girl's lawn for

three days.

Margs doesn't have a lawn.

Well, she's got a sidewalk.
That's good enough.

You know what? You're right.

You're right.

Let's go.
This one's all you.

I've got
unfinished business.

Okay.

All right.

I can't believe
you picked up that dog shit.

It wasn't dog shit.

Gary?
Is this the methadone clinic?

Cool job, man.

Hey, buddy. Buddy.

Can you spray me?
I'm filthy.

Aah! Get the face.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna go
get my wife back.

Do you know if you can get
DNA samples from feces?

Why?

Do you have AIDS?

Okay. Wait, wait.
No.

Ow, ow! My hand. My fingers.

I have cancer.

Is that some kind of joke?

What do you call that?

That's your nipple.
No. That's my nipple,

that is a weird piece of gum.
What did the doctor say?

Internet said I have
six to eight months to live.

The Internet?
Are you fucking stupid?

I was trying to record videos
for our unborn son

so he'd have those
when he got older to live by.

That's like the Michael Keaton
movie that nobody saw.

He was not the first person
to think of that.

I don't think
he thought of it.

He was in it,
and it was a stupid movie.

I started out doing videos
for him as a young boy...

You're not dying.
You didn't even see a doctor.

I'm dying,
so I made a bunch of videos

to show our son
what it's like to be a man.

Then he could watch those.
When I started out,

I did normal stuff,
like playground stuff,

and then as it got older,
I got into the party scene

and I kind of got sucked in.
Yeah.

Yeah. You face-fucked
a little girl in a bathroom.

I am so sorry.

Is she alive?
What happened to her?

She's probably fine.

I saw the tape.
It looks like a snuff film.

Look, what's important is,
I let you down

at the most important time
of our lives,

and I'm so fucking sorry
about that, Margs.

I don't expect you
to forgive me, okay?

I'll move next door.

I'll earn my place
back into your heart, okay?

I'll do everything right,
I'm gonna be there for him,

whether you forgive me
or not, okay?

You do that
on your own time.

I'm gonna be better.

I'm gonna be a real man.

Eventually, it's gonna get back
to like it was when we would--

When we first Frenched.

Maybe you wanna French
a little tiny bit right now.

Fuck off,
you fucking fucker!

My water just broke.

It went up my nose.
Oh, it burns.

DOCTOR:
You're doing great, Margot.
Gonna be just a few more hours.

Hang in there, okay?

Hey, Doctor. Doctor.

WOMAN :
Paging Dr. Bender...

I know you're busy
and everything,

but I have this lump
on my breast

and WebMD says
that it's breast cancer.

Are you trying to be funny?
No.

I know this isn't exactly
your department--

You don't have
breast cancer.

Did you drink
my fucking apple juice?

Push. I can see the head.
Fuck!

DOCTOR:
One more push, Margot.

MARGOT:
No, no, no!

Get this fucking thing
out of me! Fuck!

It's a girl.

Whoa.

You wanna cut
the umbilical cord?

Uh...

No. You-- You do it.

♪ What do, what do, what do
What do I do? ♪

It really is. You can see
the vagina and the genitalia.

♪ What do, what do, what do
What do I do? ♪

♪ Check one,
Check one two ♪

People talk so much shit
on Merlot,

and I'm like,
"It's a good wine."

♪ Born to a fighter
On the deep South side ♪

I'm gonna do white Pinot.
What about you?

♪ The cost of a family
Meant your blood and tears ♪

♪ Fourteen hours
In a world of gears ♪

♪ Your daughter, your son
The joy of your life ♪

♪ They're all that remain of
Your cherished wife ♪

Hey. Heh.

I've got-- I'm--
I'm making a painting.

Are you--?
Are you recording me?

♪ Courage, your name means
Something to me ♪

♪ These heroes
They last through time ♪

♪ Courage, your name means
Something to me ♪

Mwah.

So have you seen
your kid's dick?

Did you look at it
or, like, stare at it or--?

It's a girl, so...
Oh, okay.

♪ But because of your example
You inspired me ♪

♪ Sacrifice
In the midst of pain ♪

I swear,
you look so familiar.

I get that a lot.
Because you're so pretty.

Oh, shut up.
You have a gorgeous mouth.

♪ You carried it
With you when you came home ♪

♪ Every day was
A courage fight ♪

♪ A colored soul
In a world of white ♪

♪ Courage, your name means
Something to me ♪

♪ These heroes
They last through time ♪

♪ Courage, your name means
Something to me ♪

♪ A champion
Of the daily grind ♪

♪ Not because of
A movie or a magazine ♪

♪ But because of
Your example you inspired me ♪

♪ Sacrifice in the midst
Of pain ♪

♪ You bring a tear in my eye
When I hear your name ♪

Delicious.

♪ Go ♪

♪ Courage
It means something to me ♪

♪ These heroes
They last through time ♪

♪ Courage, your name means
Something to me ♪

♪ A champion
Of the daily grind ♪

♪ Courage, your name means
Something to me ♪

♪ These heroes
They last through time ♪

♪ Courage, your name means
Something to me ♪

♪ A champion
Of the daily grind ♪

♪ Not because of a movie
Or a magazine ♪

♪ But because of your example
You inspired me ♪

♪ Sacrifice in the midst
Of pain ♪

♪ You bring a tear to my eye
When I hear your name ♪