All language subtitles for How toBe

(RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(RINGING)

(DOG BARKING)

MAN 1 ON RADIO: And so,
at 6:59 on a beautiful
morning, here in Eugene,

we pause for a moment to bring
you the latest national news.

MAN 2: Good news again
for the nation's housewives.

that the cost-of-living index
rose only 1.2% in the month
of August.

Dr. Fenton Cooper,

one of President Carter's
leading economists,

vacationing in Bermuda,
stated that if this
trend continues

we may see inflation held
to less than 18% this year.

18%.

Meanwhile,
in Washington today...

Oh, Fenton,
that is wonderful news.

...$2.5 billion increase
in the defense budget...

Now I know I can
go to the Safeway
in January

and still get bread
for under $5 a loaf.

On Wall Street the stock
market is down six points...

Come on, honey,
time to get up.

Hi.

Mmm. Hi.

How do you feel?

Like this.

Mmm.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Robert,
I've got something
really dumb to tell you.

Do you know,
for the first time since
I've had Laurie and Billy,

I'm late.

So am I.
It's almost 7:00.

Robert.
Mmm?

Robert.
Yes?

Do you love me?

No, Jane,
I don't love you.

I love your car
and I love your garage

and I love
going to sleep here
three nights a week

'cause we can't
afford a motel.
Babysitter.

That, too.

And because
your children
might go bananas

if they were to wake up
in the middle of the night

and see their
divorced mommy

lying in bed with
some lovable stranger

they've been calling
Uncle Robert for two years.

Robert, uh,
I hate to be pushy
first thing in the morning,

but we've gotta get married.

We'll get married as soon
as old man Wheeler retires

and makes me
manager of the store.

Honey,
you've been telling me
that for nearly a year.

It's not fair.

I love you.

(MEWING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Don't bother, Charlotte,
I'll find him.

Can't you redeposit
the check?

It's already been returned
insufficient funds twice,
Mrs. Bailey.

Albert!

Albert, I have to talk to you.

ALBERT: First take off
your clothes and hop on
the table.

Albert, this is your wife,
not your nurse.

You know, you'd think after
being married for nine years

to the funniest vet
in southern Oregon,

you'd have developed
a sense of humor.

Oh, Jesus!
Jesus, you taste good!

Why do you always
taste so good?

It's those damn mints
you carry in your purse,
isn't it?

Okay, lock the door,

and we shall proceed to
turn your unexpected visit

into an X-rated
commercial for Certs.

Albert,
I haven't even
had breakfast yet.

Stop licking my face,
you dumb dog.

My God,
even the animals
here are oversexed.

Yeah, they are.

Remember, Louise,
a good man is hard to find,

and a hard man is
good, good to find.

Albert?
Mmm-hmm?

I need $1,000.

I wrote some checks
for merchandise yesterday.

Yes, Ye Olde Antique Shoppe,
mmm-hmm.

When's that silly
store of yours gonna
start showing a profit?

This year, I promise.

That's what you said
last year, Louise.

Albert,
just write me a check.

Louise,
we're being audited by
the IRS. You know that!

The accountant says
no more checks for anything,

for two weeks.
Screw the accountant.

Not my type.

Albert, you're a doctor.

You must have cash
hidden somewhere.

I did. Remember?

I gave it to you last month.

Lent.
Gave.

Louise, isn't it about time
you admitted it?

Admitted what?
You're a terrible
businesswoman.

Albert, I need $1,000.

Please don't
make me beg for it.

We'll talk about it tonight.
Later.

After dinner.
Over a bottle
of Dom Perignon.

Under the covers.

(LAUGHING) Darling,
you don't have to get
me drunk to sleep with you.

I love sleeping with you.

Sometimes I think
it might be the only thing

No, Louise.
We have something
else in common. Money.

My ability to make it
and yours to spend it.

the perfect example
of the half-liberated
American woman of the '70s.

"I wanna do my own thing,

"as long as my husband
pays for it."

Albert,
I am not a perfect
example of anything.

I am also
not the Barbie doll
you think you married.

I'm a grown-up,
human being wife

and I deserve
to be treated
like one.

Do you understand?

Okay, quit stalling.
Come on, let's do it!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Jesus, I love it
when you talk French.

NATALIE ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
Elaine,
this is Natalie Pokempher.

We're gonna be doing a show
for the first anniversary
of the Valley River Center,

and I need you
to help out backstage.

I mean,
you're just so organized

and I absolutely
won't take no for an answer.

Think about it, okay, Elaine?
Goodbye.

(BEEPS)

MILLARD:
Hi, honey, this is me.

Look, uh, don't bother
to make dinner tonight.

I won't be home.
Uh, Elaine... This is...

Well, look, it's-- it's
nothing you've done...

SUSAN: It is so
something you've done,
you selfish bitch!

You never cared for
or appreciated Millard.

Susan, stop!
Give--Give me back the phone!

Elaine, look,
please try to understand.

I--I know you're
going to be upset

about this for
a little while.

But, you're still
a--a damn attractive woman,

and--and there's
a lot of other fish
out there in the ocean. Oh...

You bastard!

(DISTORTED VOICE
ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

(RING CLINKING)

And then,
after he did in

the checking
and savings account,

he emptied
all of your jewelry

out of the safety-deposit box

and handed me the key.

Is there anything left?

Uh, yes, uh...

There's $480 left
in the Christmas club.

I'll take it in cash.

You can't.

Not until December 10.

Oh, shit.

Elaine, he'll be back.

As soon as they run out
of clean socks and underwear,

they always come back.

I don't want him back.

What makes you think
I want the rotten
son of a bitch back?

I want you to
get this lousy bank
to lend me some money,

or at least extend
my MasterCharge limit.

Oh, Patty,
you've got to help me.

I'm broke.
I'm flat-busted broke!

The house and car payments
are due on Monday.

I need money.

You know how banks operate.

They only lend money
to people who don't need it.

Elaine, would you
let go of my hands?

People are staring.

(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm sorry.

Well, everything checks out,
Dr. Travis.

In fact, by my calculations,
the United States government
owes you $11.19.

You can take us
out to lunch.

Except for one small item.

What's that?

The deductions you took
on your wife's hobby.

My wife doesn't
have a hobby.

Oh, sure she does,
the, uh, the antique thing.

Oh, yes.

Ye Olde Antique Shoppe.

That's a business,
Mr. Pike.

I don't think so,
Dr. Travis.

You gave Mrs. Travis
a total of $36,532 in
the last three years.

Loaned.
He didn't give her anything.

It was a business loan.

Well, according
to what I see here,
not a very good one.

Unfortunately,
as we look at it, Dr. Travis,

when a husband
gives his wife money
to start up a business,

and that said business
doesn't show a profit

within a reasonable time,

it is not
a legitimate business.

It's a business, Mr. Pike.
I swear it.

Louise works at it
six days a week,
15 hours a day.

This January,
when she had the flu,

she went to work with
a 104-degree temperature
in the snow.

I'm sure.
Uh, but isn't it customary...

I'll tell you.

When you built your
animal hospital in, uh...

1968. July 11, 1968.

Good.
Where'd you get the money?

The bank here in town loaned
me the initial down payment.
$10,000.

Mmm. Did you pay it all back?

Right on schedule,
yes, sir!

Plus interest?
7%.

How much interest
are you charging
your wife, Dr. Travis?

It's a hobby, Dr. Travis.

And that means that you owe
the United States government

taxes on $36,532,
plus penalties and interest.

Oh, my God!

Unless we can
prove otherwise,

that it was
a legitimate
business loan.

Oh, sure. Unless you can
prove otherwise. Quickly.

She's ugly, Eddie.

I've seen her.

How could he? I mean,
she's only 19 years old.

Forget about Sinatra,
she doesn't even
remember The Beatles.

Men are fools.

Okay, I-- I'll admit it.
So maybe I was a lousy cook,

and I probably
spent too much of
his money on clothes,

and I never really said
I liked the buildings
he designed.

I used to call him
Frank Lloyd Wrong.

Twice last month I fell asleep
when he was making love to me.

But is that
any reason to leave?

Nobody's perfect,
for God's sakes.

Did you love him?

Nine years ago I loved him.

I loved him
when I married him.

But lately,
it's been like

trying put toothpaste
back into a tube, you know?

I'd like 'em back right
before dinner on Sunday.

After dinner.

You're not gonna win
the Little League championship
without some batting practice.

Ask Mom.

Baseball broke,
cover came off.

Well, buy him another one.
I can't afford it.

Buy it,
I'll pay you back.

No, pay me back.
Pay me more.

Look, I--I don't
wanna talk about this
in front of the kids but...

Then don't. Come on.

Lookit, Tom,
I need more money.

I cannot swing it
on $200 a month
child support anymore.

Whoa! That's the deal
we made when you left me.

That's what
the court order says.

You divorced me,
remember?

$200 a month
four years ago has my kids

drinking Kool-Aid
instead of milk twice a day.

All right, I don't wanna
hear this bullshit, Jane.
Now, I mean it!

Now, I got it rough, too!

Come on, guys,
in the back seat,
everybody.

Do you know
how hard it is to survive

on a high school
football coach's salary?
Why don't you ask for a raise?

Whoa, with a one-and-nine
record last year?

Don't be insane.

Let Sally go to work.

My wife already has a job.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah!

She takes care of me.

You know,
you're really lucky

that I'm still around
to help you at all.

Did you hear
what happened to
your friend Elaine?

Good night, Eddie.

Drive carefully,
Mrs. Houghton.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, perfect.

(MAN CHATTERING ON RADIO)

Good evening.

Good evening.

How would you
like to tell me one
I've never heard before.

The bionic man
can't get it down.

Wanna step
out of the car,
please, ma'am?

You've heard it before.

How many drinks you have
this evening, ma'am?

What makes you think
I've been drinking,
Officer?

Do you have
your license
with you?

Yeah, it's in my wallet.

Wanna get it for me,
please?

Take it out for me,
please.

Miss Houghton,
is your present address,

this 17 Willowbrook Lane?
Is that it?

Uh-huh.

Miss Houghton,
are you aware
that you, uh,

ran a stop sign
back there on, uh,
Main Street?

Are you gonna
give me a ticket?
No.

First, I'm just gonna
ask you to do a little
test for me.

A test?
I'm gonna ask you
to blow up a balloon.

Oh, I really don't wanna
blow up any balloons.

I mean, the party's over.

What's your name?

What?
Your name?

John Heintzel.

What do your
friends call you?

Jack.

Jack, I really wanna
have a cup of coffee

with someone I can talk to.

What do you wanna do?

I could use
a cup of coffee.

Why don't I follow you
to your place.

No, that's no good.

(MUTTERS)

What?

My wife is there.

You're married?

Yeah, isn't everybody?

No.

No, some people are single,
some people are--are
separated.

Some people are
just damned abandoned!

So why don't you
get back into your car

and go home,
where you belong.

You goddamn son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
ma'am, ma'am. Hey, hey.

Lousy, cheating
son of a bitch!
Hey, hey!

Listen to me!
Oh!

You swing that purse
one more time,

I'm gonna
put you under arrest,
do you understand that?

Arrest me.
I want you to arrest me.

Because when you arrest me,

I know I'm entitled
to one phone call

and you know
who that phone call's
gonna be to, don't you?

Don't you?

Miss Houghton, you--you
have a good evening, okay?

In the future,
I want you to try to
drive a little more carefully.

Good night.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

My God, so soon.

...ten-speed bike.
That's about all
I can handle, sorry.

Would you like
some coffee?

Thank you.

It's 25 cents.

Hi.
Hi!

How's business?

Got 39 cents for his
Right Guard deodorant.

Have you seen
a lawyer yet?

I saw a lawyer.
What'd he say?

You want it in detail
or just the bottom line?

Well,
can you sell the house?

Community property,
the same with the car.

Would you like
some more coffee?

Oh, sure, thanks.

Can you borrow against
Millard's life insurance?

Not without
his signature.

Can you attach
Millard's salary?

Millard doesn't
get a salary.

He gets a commission on
every building he designs.

(SIGHS)

You're getting
rid of it, I'm glad.

What can you do?

I can move
into his apartment.

Millard has
an apartment?

No, the lawyer.
He made me an offer.

What did you say?

Well, he's kind of cute,
so I said yes,

until I realized
he meant as his maid.

Help is hard to get.

I know.

Come on, Elaine,
don't give up.
Remember?

Eugene High
knows how to fight,

even if it takes
all night!

Come on, Louise,
you remember!
Oh, Lord.

BOTH: So we'll scratch
and bite till we knock
'em out of sight!

Yay, team!

No wonder we never
won a game.
Oh.

We still haven't.
Oh, God.

(GUN FIRING)

Jesus, what the hell
was that?

(SCREAMING)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Save the fish!

Hello, Natalie.
Look, there's a little one.

Elaine, I dropped by to see

if you changed your mind
about helping us

for the shopping
center anniversary show

and I found this.
How much?

You don't really
want that, Natalie.

Oh, I need it
for protection.

Every week I drive home
from art school,

and this big
oversexed animal
follows me in his car.

Last night
he almost caught me.

What would you do
if you were me?

Drive slower.

MAN: I've got four of them.
Anybody else?

(WHOOPS)

I've got one.

Elaine, how about
the anniversary pageant?

(GUN CLICKS)

We're all meeting at
my house Monday morning.

I'll call you, Natalie.
I promise.

I'll give you 10 bucks
for this racquet, Elaine.

It's a deal, Jerry.

Say, did Millard
have any balls?

No, I can't.
It's too easy.

Uh, in there,
next to the freezer,

the yellow can,
all you can find,
go with the racquet, okay?

JANE: Well, what is it?
A ball filled with real money?

It says,
"The entire gross

"of the first day of
the anniversary sale

"here at Valley River
Shopping Center

"is going to be put inside,

"and the person who guesses
closest to the amount

"will win a two-week
all-expenses-paid trip to
Hawaii for the entire family."

Gosh, if I entered
that contest,

and I won four and an eighth
round-trip tickets to Hawaii,

and I cashed it in,
I'd have nearly $2000.

Why don't we
just become hookers
and rent a motel room?

We'd starve to death.
There's 12,000 college girls
in this town giving it away.

I know. We could kidnap
Natalie and her husband
would pay us $100,000

not to send her back.

That's a good idea.

My treat.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Louise.

Oh, I don't know.

There's just got to be
some way we can make money.

We could
make porno flicks
and all wear masks.

No, Robert and I got
bombed out one night.

We put a little "I love you"
tattoo on my ankle.

Okay, we'll wear masks,
you wear socks.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

What do you think
about a doggie bag
for the butter?

Aw, the hell with it.

No, Albert,
I'm not in the mood.

When will you
be in the mood?

Probably not
for a long time.

I'm very depressed.

Albert,
I think I'm going
to lose the store.

Louise, I swear to you,
there is no money.

If you only knew what is
going on in that hospital.

It's not only the IRS.

I'm in deep
financial trouble,

and I need you to hold me,

to hug me, to kiss me.

To reassure me
that everything isn't
as hopeless as it looks.

The only thing that's
hopeless, Albert, is that
you're horny 24 hours a day.

Prices aren't just going
sky-high at gasoline stations
and supermarkets, you know.

The cost of
medicine alone

has tripled in
the last five years.

Do you know what
I did today, Louise?

Do you?

I sold a used flea collar
to a cocker spaniel. Yes!

And tomorrow,
I may remove
a cat's appendix,

whether he wants me
to remove it or not!

Why? Because
I need the money!

No, baby,
I'm not horny.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of
what I'm turning into.

And I need the touch
of the woman I love

to make me feel
clean and decent again.

Albert, you're so full
of shit, but I love you.

Come here.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who could that be?

If we turn out the light,
maybe they'll go away.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

No, Albert,
I better get it.

All right. Uh...

(STAMMERING)

(STUTTERING) Before you
answer the door, Louise,

there's something
I forgot to tell you!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(DOG BARKING)

Yes?

Mrs. Louise Travis?

That's me.
Here.

What's this?

It's a summons.

For what?

I think you're being sued.

By whom?

Your husband.

I thought you said
you wanted to have
a family.

Well,
I didn't figure
it would be so soon.

God,
if only I had $25,000,

I could buy old man
Wheeler out myself.

That's all he wants,
$25,000.

That could be our store.

It's all my father's fault.

I could kill him for what
he did in World War II.

Who, Max? The ex-Marine?

I thought he was a big hero,
helped, uh, beat the bad guys
single-handedly.

That's what he did wrong!

If we'd lost the dumb war,

then the Japanese
and the Germans
could've lent us

the $600 billion
to rebuild our economy

the way we lent it
to them to rebuild theirs.

That way,
we would have the Sonys,
we would have the Toyotas,

and we would
have the Mercedes,

and they could have
the DC-10s and the Edsels

and Lawrence Welk.

How much money
did you say you needed?

$250.

You have $24,750
in the bank?

I've got $57 in the bank.

I, uh...
I need $250 for you.

What for?

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me
you were going to sue me?

I was going to tell you.
I was going to tell you.

I was just about to
when the doorbell rang.

I'm sorry, baby,
but I had no choice.
I really didn't!

Please, don't be angry
at me, Louise!

How dare you apologize
when you're taking me
to court!

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Jump up and down
and scream, yell!

Would that
make you feel better?

Yes, 'cause I hate
punching a coward.

Louise, they say
the $36,000 I loaned you...

Gave me, Albert.
How many times do I
have to tell you, gave me?

Loaned you!
Gave me!

Loaned!
Gave!

(GRUNTS)

Louise.

Louise, stop it!

It's not me,
it the rotten government!

If I don't sue you,
they're gonna nail me

for thousands of dollars
in taxes I don't have!

I love you.
You love me?

Yes. And I know
how you must feel,

but try not to
take it personally.

It's only business.
Can't you understand that?

Of course I understand that.

And this is only personal!

Next time you wanna
go in business with me,

just knock on
the door to the den

'cause that's
where I'll be living.

Louise. You're making
too much out of this.

It's all very simple.

I sue you, you go bankrupt,
we're even.

Even? We're even, Albert?
Yeah.

You put me out of business
with a bankruptcy sign in
the window of my store

for everybody in town
to see and we're even?

No, Albert, we're not even.
We'll never be even!

Louise, remember
what Lincoln said.

"A house divided against
itself cannot long stand."

He also said,

"You can fool
some of the people
some of the time,

"but you can't fool
all of the people
all of the time."

He also said,

"With malice toward none,
and charity to all."

And the last thing
he said, Albert, was,

"Look, honey, I've got
these two great seats
for the theater tonight."

Why did I
bring up Lincoln?

Louise, come back.
I love you!

LOUISE:
Kiss my ass!

Right! I wanna make up!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

How you doing,
Miss Houghton?
Hi, Mike.

Jesus, nine cents
more from last week.
That's incredible!

Well, it's not us.

I'm still making the same
amount of money on a gallon
of gasoline as I did in 1958.

You must've made
a bundle in '58.

I'll switch to regular.

No, I'm sorry, ma'am,
you can't do that.

See, your car
takes lead-free.

The regular gas,
the nozzle's too big.
It won't fit in your tank.

Well, shove it in.
Use Vaseline if you have to.

No, you see,
the idea is to keep
your car free from pollutants.

(SQUEAKING)

I'm sorry, Mrs. Houghton,

but, your, uh,
card's been cancelled.

What?
Yeah, it-- it's
in the new book.

Well, here, let me see...
Oh, oh, oh!

I can't let you have it.
It's a $25 reward.

Mike,
did I mention that
my husband's out of town?

I heard he ran away
with his secretary.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Do you know
what that does to
a woman's confidence?

No, but it sure does
lousy things to her credit.

A girl needs a strong,
virile man

to help her get back
into the swing, you know?

You know, Mrs. Houghton,

I have no respect for a woman
who does it for money.

Let alone gasoline.

How much do I owe you?
73 cents.

I'll write you a check.

I don't believe it!

Mom threw you out
and moved a friend in?

When?

This afternoon,
1320 hours.

What's his name?

His name?

His name is Shirley.

That's right, your mother,
age 64, has joined the Sun
City Gay Liberation Movement.

But that's impossible.

All I ever remember
Mom telling me was

how much she loved you
and--and that she would
never look at another man.

Of course, she never did
mention another woman.

What about you, Dad?

Have you always
been faithful?

Oh, baby, Semper Fidelis,
ever faithful.

In the Marines or in
the bedroom, 36 years.

Well, now, where can I bunk
till this crazy broad decides
to go straight again?

There's a lovely little
Holiday Inn right around
the corner.

Oh, honey,
come on, now, give...

Give the old sarge
a--a second choice?
Hmm?

Maybe you could stay here
with me and the kids.

Hey, that's a great idea!

Yeah,
I'd be like a father.

I'll teach 'em
everything I know.

What's-- What's
the battle plan?

Dad, do you remember
that old couch

from Camp Pendleton
that you and Mom

gave me and Tom
when we got married?

It's still in the den.

Oh, Pendleton, the...
Oh, yeah.

Oh, do I remember that.
Where are the blankets
and the sheets?

The hall closet,
top shelf.

Hall closet, top shelf.
Aye, aye, Captain.

Hey, don't look so worried.

It'll only be
a little while.

I... I'll stay
out of your way.

You won't even know I'm here.

And, uh, uh...

I'll keep my mouth shut.

Okay, Dad.

Hi, Fred.
Is there something
I can help you with?

Wait, don't tell me,
it's Aggie's birthday
this Sunday, isn't it?

I'm gonna have to take
these from you,
Mrs. Travis.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, Fred, I mean,
you can't take anything.

You have to pay for it.

You know, this is an authentic
19th-century English
jailer's ring.

I got another one around
here somewhere.

I'm sorry, Louise.

"By order of the
Ninth District Municipal
Court of Eugene, Oregon,

"no business transactions
can occur on the premises
known as

"Ye Olde Antique Shoppe,

"until such time
as the case of

"Travis v. Travis
is adjudicated.

"Signed, Judge Towers."

I'm sorry, Louise,

but this court order says
I have to take the keys
to the store.

Oh, my God.
I'm locking the front door
until further notice.

Hi, Mom.

Don't "Hi, Mom" me.

What are you doing here?
It's nearly 4:30!

You're supposed to
be at the dentist!
I went already.

Don't give me that.

Lookit,
I'm not gonna have one
of my kids growing up

with crooked teeth because
he's afraid of a little pain

when his retainer
is tightened.
Mom, that's my pitching arm!

Right! Now, listen,
get on your bike and go
to the dentist, right now!

I can't!
What do you mean, you can't?

Okay, I'll take you,
you little coward.

I'm not a coward!

Here. The dentist
told me to give you that.

He said
not to come back
till you paid the bill.

ELAINE: Damn, I'm out of gas.

Shit.

WOMAN:
Automobile Club.

I'm sorry,
but all our agents are busy.

Please stay on the line
and enjoy highlights
from Oklahoma!

Oh, Jesus Christ! Come on!

Hello, Louise.

I know what you said
on the phone, Elaine,
but it won't work.

We've got to make it work.
What choice do we have?

We have a choice.

We can all go
back home now
and go to sleep.

Look, I don't know
if it can be done.
Not in seven days.

This thing has to be
carefully thought out.

What have we got to lose?
I mean, the worse that
can happen to us

if we get caught
is that we'll go
to jail, right?

Yes, Jane,
for a very long time.

WOMAN ON PA:
Security to entrance four.

Okay, here it is,
bottom line.

In seven days, we've got
to figure out how to get
to the Money Ball,

how to get into it,
how to get the money
out of it

and how to get away
without being caught.

Come on, Louise, think.
There's got to be some
way to get to that money.

LOUISE:
Only one way.
From underneath.

We'd have to dig a tunnel
from the bank of the river
to under here.

Then once we got here,
we'd still have to
figure out a way

to cut a hole
up through the floor
and get the money out of it.

God, it's gonna be tough.

Let's take a walk,
okay?

Why are you being
so negative, Louise?

I'm not being negative,
I'm being realistic.

I mean, one,
how do we do it?

I mean, we've gotta plan
this out, step by step.

Two, if there is a way,
can we do it?

I mean, are we
gutty enough to do it?

Oh, look, if men
are gutty enough to
do it, I don't see why...

Men are gutty enough
in the movies, Elaine.
In the movies.

I mean,
where in real life
did you ever see,

hear or read
about anybody

getting away with it?

The Brinks Robbery,
Miami Beach!

It was Boston, and once
they caught one of 'em,
he confessed in five minutes.

The other seven are doing
10 years-to-life.

It'll be tough.

I'll be in charge of
phase one of the operation,

Elaine, you be in charge
of phase two, execution,
if we ever get that far.

What should I do?

I--I don't know.
Besides getting
knocked up,

what's your specialty?

Hey, I--I am an expert
in one area.

I mean, I don't know
if it'll do us any good,

but you never know
with the river nearby.

What's that?
I can row a canoe.

That is my specialty.
I was canoe counselor at camp.

We used to get into
these canoes at night
and sing old Indian songs.

♪ Oh, the moon shines
on the pretty red wing

♪ The breezes sighing

♪ The red birds cry... ♪

I canoe better than I sing.

I mean, there it was.

Is that incredible?

Wait a minute, Elaine,
say that again.

We don't have
to dig a tunnel?

I just found Millard's plans
for the shopping center
and guess what?

They done dug one for us.

I know.

Uh, operator, if he's not
at the Howard Johnson's
Motor Lodge in Omaha,

try the one in San Diego,
and if he's not there,
try the one in Denver.

Millard loves
their ice cream.

Thank you.

Richard, you're his partner.
Where'd he go?

Oh, I wish I knew.

You know,
that son of a bitch
still owes me $20

on the Oregon State-
S.C. game last Saturday?

And what brings you here?

The truth?

The truth is I'm trying
to get this drawer unlocked.

Millard always kept
some dimes in here
for the parking meter.

Elaine, what's really
in that drawer?

I don't know,
but it's locked,

so it must be
something interesting.

Oh, yeah? Let me try.

Okay.

Let's see. Let's see.

Okay, this is
the conveyor belt.

The garbage runs
along the conveyor belt.

It goes all the way
behind the stores

down here to the river
where it's picked up
by a barge.

This is the tunnel.
It goes all the way
to there.

Oh, this is gonna
be scary.

I've never
stolen anything
in my entire life.

You stole my notes
for the Latin final.

That doesn't count.
I got a D on that.

Jane, this time,
we've got to get
an A, all right?

I know.
An A.

You realize
that we're talking about
nearly a million dollars here?

Okay, look.
Here's where
the Money Ball is,

right above the central
air conditioning unit.

That's the closest
store there.

JANE: I wonder what it is.

LOUISE: I don't know,
but I'll sure find out
tomorrow.

I'll just throw these away.

Are you crazy?
Give 'em to his
little brother.

MAN: Little bummer's got
two different-sized feet.

I swear, the left one's
a whole size bigger
than the right.

Must be inherited.
Did you see
his mother's boobs?

(LAUGHS)

WOMAN ON PA:
Will the owner of a blue '79
Pinto please move your car?

You're blocking the exit.

I can't wait for you
to meet everybody.

We are doing
the entire history
of Oregon in one hour.

I can do it in 15 minutes.

MAN:
Step, touch. Step together.
Step, touch. Step together.

Nancy, arms.
Step together. Step.

Turn, step, turn.
Step, touch, step.
NATALIE: Hi, everybody.

ELAINE: Hi.

My friend,
Elaine Houghton.

We work very
well together.

This is Tim Lundy.
How do you do?

He represents
the owners of
the shopping mall.

And this is the stage manager
of the entire production,
Aaron.

Hello, Aaron.
Leon.

Leon, I'm sorry.

Leon. That's
what I said. Leon.

Won't you sit down,
Mrs. Houghton?
Thank you.

MAN:
Step, touch, step together.

Girls, smile, step together.

Step, turn.

Come on, ladies.
Three lines,
three lines, please.

Hold it.
Three tight lines.

All right, from the top.
Five, six, seven, eight.

And then we go
to the big Indian scene,

uh, where they break
the treaty.
They break the treaty?

Yeah, followed
by the Indian wars,

then the Civil War,
followed quickly by
the Spanish-American War,

World War I
and World War II,

and then to the
Rose Bowl game of 1959

where we beat Michigan
in the last 70 seconds
with a field goal.

MAN: Leon, will you get
that goddamn piano
into the pit...

Excuse me.
...and plug in
the goddamn guitar?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

MAX: Out!

Batter up!

BOY: Billy!

Hi, Grandpa.

Shut up and hit!

The major lights are fused
to the master fuse box.

That means
the overhead theater lights,
the mall and the Money Ball.

I can plunge the entire
shopping center into
total darkness

with one flip
of the switch.

(ALL CHEERING)

Attaboy, Billy!
Two more runs batted in!

Now all we have to do
is figure out how to get

the money
out of the Money Ball.

Yeah.

Stop at third!
Stop at third,
you dummy!

MAN: Get it!
Yeah, get it!
Come on! Yeah!

You're out!

No way!
I slid under the tag!

You blind son of a bitch!

He tagged him in the thigh,
you friggin' idiot!

I saw Bad News Bears.

I thought that was
the way the kids talked.

Nobody calls
my son out when he has
only one more home run to win

for the League Championship!

Do you understand me,
you old fart? Do you?

MaHaney,

I have been
wanting to do this
for the past five years.

(GRUNTS)

That's for touching
an umpire!

(GROANS)

And that's for
leaving my daughter!

And that's
for making me
lose my temper

in front of
these sweet kids,

you chicken-shit wimp!

How much did you say
you needed for Robert?

$25,000.

Plus a down payment
for an apartment in
Sun City for Max Hitler.

$10,000 more.
$35,000.

$36,000.

You'll need $1,000
for Tom's bridgework.

He'll definitely sue.

Phase two
is now in effect.

Now that we know that
it's physically possible
for us to be thieves,

we've gotta
find out if it's
psychologically possible.

You first, Jane.
Me?

Stick up a Safeway alone?

Why not? I mean,
everybody knows me,

the checkers,
the managers,

even the box boys wave at me
when I come in.

"Hey, here comes
the old coupon queen again!"

I meant the one
in Medford.

Don't say anything,
just point.

Is that real?

No, it's a model
Millard made 15 years ago

when he was an Eagle Scout.

With a real gun,
you do 5-to-10.

With that one,
1-to-5.

Thanks, Elaine.

The least
you could do is
say you're sorry.

It's been 15 minutes.
I told her to only
get a few things.

What the hell
is keeping her?

Steak, $8.95.

Nuts, $1.29.

Grape-Nuts, $1.26,

cookies, $1.43,

paper towels, $0.35,

paper towels, $0.35,

water pistol, $1.09,

socks, $2.25,

toilet paper, $0.79...

ELAINE: Well, at least
you didn't get arrested.

JANE:
No, not until the $285 check
I wrote for the food bounces.

That was last night.
I'm in charge today.

Oh! God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm such a klutz.
I don't believe it.

Here, let me help you.
Here.

There.

Oh, thank you.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, I can't believe this!

I'm so... Oh!

ELAINE:
You were great
with that canoe.

I was surprised.

JANE: So was I. The current
in that river is a bitch!

ELAINE: How the hell
are we gonna empty
that big ball?

(WHIRRING)

I know
how to get the money
out of the Money Ball.

How?
Suck!

WOMAN ON PA: Attention,
the mall will be closing
in 10 minutes.

10 minutes, please.

I know we've only
got two days to go,

but I don't know why
you guys are so mad at me.

You know I can't
afford a babysitter,

and Max is at
a Senior Citizens for
Reagan meeting tonight.

Jesus, Jane, this is
a royal pain the ass.

I mean,
tonight's important.

We're psychologically
testing ourselves by
robbing Wheeler's,

and you bring
your kids along.

Can't you leave them
home just once?

Are you serious?

The last time that
I left those two alone,

Billy took nude pictures
of Laurie with his Polaroid

and sent them in
to Playboy magazine.

It's dangerous.
Oh, I see.

You bring 'em
along on a robbery
where they'll be safe.

LOUISE: Well,
we're only stealing
from Robert's store.

JANE: Well, that's right.
I mean, it's family.

When did you get
Robert's keys?

Last night.
How did you do that?

They were in his pants,
he wasn't.

Ah, the old
backseat of the car
in the garage, eh?

No, we had to give
that up ever since
my father moved in.

Remember Old Mill Road?

Foreplay heaven.

It's still cheaper
than a motel.

More creative.

Do you wanna play
Evel Knievel?

Sure.
Okay.

You play Evel
and I'll play
the motorcycle.

Come on.
Okay.

(WHISPERING) Okay, Louise,
you go get the power saw.

Right.

Where's the power saw?
Oh, over on that shelf.

Okay. We'll go get
the vacuum cleaner.

Right.

Where's the vacuum
cleaner?

It's over there.
Okay.

(SHUSHING)

Billy and Laurie,
you get back in
that car this minute!

(ALARM BLARING)

Jesus Christ!

Get down!

What do we do?
Why don't we go
out the back door?

Right!
Where's the back door?

Come on, I'll show you.
This way.

Hurry up.

(EXCLAIMS)
Hold it!

What's goin' on here?

Uh, listen,
it's not gonna
be easy to explain.

Suppose you try, little lady.

Ah, yes.

Maybe we all
better give it a try.

Why don't we
just tell the truth?

Elaine, tell the officer
the truth.

Right.

Uh...

(OFFICER CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)

It's a game.
It's a scavenger
hunt for charity.

Oh, God, not you again.

Jack, how sweet
of you to remember.

Hold it!

Jack, I haven't
had a drink in a week.

Maybe tonight I don't
get slugged in the head
with a purse, huh?

You know,
I've gotta report this.

Jack, can't you
bend the rules a little?

I mean,
it's not like
we were stealing.

All this stuff came from...

Came from
Jane's fiance's
hardware store.

He's the manager.
Isn't that right, Jane?

Oh, right, absolutely.

Robert Logan.
See, these are his keys.

Wheeler's Hardware Store.
Wheeler's. This is the key.

Look, she even
brought her kids.

Would anybody
in their right minds

bring their kids
to a robbery?

Really.

Jack, if you turn us in,
we'll look like imbeciles.

Robert will yell at Jane,

Louise will catch
hell from Albert,

and I'll...

I'll, um...

How about you?

Well, I don't have anybody
to holler at me, not anymore.

Forget you ever saw us,
okay?

I don't know about this.

I'll owe you one.

You'll owe me two.

Whatever.

Look, I was drunk
the other night,

my husband just
walked out on me.
I was crazed.

I didn't know
what I was saying.
I know what I'm saying now.

Ask Louise.
I've-- I've known
her since high school.

Louise, do I ever
go back on my word?

Does she ever
go back on her word?

Never.

Thank you.

God, three martinis
and it doesn't help.

I still feel like a tramp.

Did you see me
practically rape that
policeman on the street?

Lainie, I'm sorry
about the burglar alarm.

I mean,
I just sort of panicked
when I saw Billy bouncing...

That's just it, Jane.
Professionals don't panic.

Oh, cut it out, Elaine.

If there's one thing
we can do without tonight,

it's your superior,
bitchy attitude.

Louise, please.
No name-calling.

I can't stand it
when my friends fight.

I didn't call her a name.
"Bitch" is not a name?

I said, "bitchy attitude."

Oh, don't try
and apologize, Louise.

I take it
from where it comes.

Elaine, what's really
bothering you?

I'm scared.

Jane, I'm sorry.

Oh, Jesus, I don't know
what's the matter with me.

Yes, I do.

I'm coming apart
at the seams.

I'm a totally
unloved, unglued,

totally rejected
basket case.

Good night.

Hi.

I thought it might be you.

I just, uh,
wanted to make sure
you got home safely.

How's your wife?

Well, uh,

you may not believe this.

I mean,
a man of my charm
and, uh, sensitivity,

but, uh, she left me.

Can I buy you
a cup of coffee?

No.

But you,
uh, can come in
and I'll make you one.

That's a deal.

I don't know.

You put on your "A woman
needs a man like a fish
needs a bicycle" T-shirt,

and you poke away
at him year after year,

needling him
with a vengeance.

And then one day
he trades you in

on someone with
a softer voice and skin.

So here I am.

Waking up alone every morning
and it's the pits, Jack,
it really is.

Come on, let's go.

Where?

The bedroom.

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

Well...

You know, I'm...

I'm not real good
at explaining how I feel,

but when
I saw you tonight,

my--my throat was dry.
I--I could barely breathe.

I--I thought you felt...

Well, what now...
What is it you want, anyway?

A neurosurgeon
or a stockbroker
or something like that?

No, Jack,
it has nothing to
do with economics.

I'd go to bed
with a garbage collector
if he said the right thing.

All--All I know is
that I'm crazy about you.

I would like to
hold you in my arms,

I'd like to make love
to you all night.

And in the morning,

while you're still asleep,

I'd like to go down
to the kitchen,

make the orange juice
and coffee

and bring it to you.

You said the right thing.

And you won't
be disappointed.

Which way?

Not here.

Why not?

Well,

a lot of
neighbors wondering
why there's a police car

parked in my driveway
all night.

Smart lady.

A private one.

CHARLOTTE:
It's not your fault, Albert.

Two careers in a family
are almost impossible.

Unless the woman is
in the same business
as her husband.

Like a doctor
and his nurse.

ALBERT: It's not easy
to be married to Louise.

When I met her in college,

a chili dog and a coke
made her happy.

Doing her own thing
meant baking me
chocolate chip cookies

every Sunday morning

after we spent Friday night
and all day Saturday
in the sack.

You know what I used to do
during the first years of
my marriage to Conrad?

No.

After we'd make love,

I'd get out of bed,

go into the bathroom,

soak a towel in warm water,

come back to bed
and wash him off.

That's the difference
between a European

and an American woman,
Albert.

You can buy
chocolate chip cookies
in a supermarket, Albert.

No, not like these.

She used to put nuts
and raisins into them.

And now she's gone.

Moved into the den forever.

Where did I go wrong?

It's not your fault, Albert.

But let's not talk
about her anymore tonight.

It's taken me seven years
just to get you up here.

No, don't.

It wouldn't be fair to you.
I still love her.

You're a very
attractive woman.

And I'm getting,
I admit, very turned on.

But we'll hate ourselves
in the morning.

Oh, I could never
hate myself for this.

Did you really
get out of bed in
the middle of the night

and get a warm,
wet towel?

Yes.

I think I'd like that.

Mmm, I know you would.

But there are
no wet, warm towels
up on this hill, Charlotte.

Oh, we'll work
something out, Albert.

ROBERT: I'm four days
away from losing my job,

and you're still talking
about having a baby.

Jane, I love you, but...

Robert, you're not
gonna lose your job.

I'm gonna get you
the $25,000.

We're gonna get married,
and then I'm gonna...
Where?

Where are you gonna
get that kind of money?

From my family.

Jane, your father
borrowed $10 from me

when I came to
pick you up last night.

Well, not him.
From my mother.

Your mother is living
with a lady named Shirley.

They've adopted
a black baby.

Last week she hocked her
wedding ring to buy a crib.

ELAINE: Why did this
have to happen to me?

JACK: How did you
get your foot caught
in the glove compartment?

I don't know.

We'll have to call
the damn Fire Department.

Oh, forget
the Fire Department.

I need a crowbar.

Crowbar.
That's a good idea.

You wait here. Well...

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Whoops. Sorry.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, you wouldn't happen
to have a crowbar

or maybe a little heavy-duty,
uh, screwdriver?

Robert, is that Albert?

It can't be Albert.

I mean, if it were
your dog's foot,
I'd know what to do.

Yeah, but what would
I be doin' up here
with a dog?

It is too Albert.

But that's not Louise.

Come on.

I found a vet.

Hi--Hi, Albert.

Elaine?

Hi, Jane.
Oh, my God.

Is that you, Jane?

I'm trying to
get your best friend's foot
out of this glove compartment

I only hope the two of you
remember that the next time
you see you-know-who.

He means his wife.
Shut up, Charlotte.

It won't come out.
How did you get it
in there like that?

Look on page 62
of the Kama Sutra.

(SCREAMING)

Take it easy, baby.
Take it easy.

Jack? Hi.

Jane?
You two know each other?

How does he know
your name?

Will someone
please get my foot out of
the goddamn glove compartment?

Here, I'll get it out.

My children get in
more trouble than this
every five minutes.

(GROANING)
Just turn a little there.

That's it.
Easy.

Slipping it out.
Here she comes.

Thank you, Jane.

You're welcome, Elaine.

The drawing at
the Money Ball
is at 9:00.

10 minutes later,
the place is closed.

That means at 8:40,

I have to here,
in the backroom
at Thom McAn.

Elaine,
you have to be here,

backstage
at the light switch.

And, Jane, hopefully
you'll be here in the canoe.

Now,
it all has to be done
with split-second timing

because at 9:10 on the nose,

we gotta be out of there
and on our way home.

With the money.
Or the police.

All right,
now let's run it
down again from the top,

make sure we got it right.

At 5:10, wearing
my black corduroy
Calvin Klein jeans

and my favorite
Yves Saint Laurent shirt,

I leave home,

walking east
on Bluebird Lane.

Where at 5:33,
I pick you up

with the vacuum cleaner
in the backseat of my car.

We head for
Valley River Center.

Uh, meanwhile, at 6:15,
I finish feeding the children.

I get into my car
and I head up Highway 9.

I get off at Mazda Lane.
Next stop, the river.

You forgot to mention
the garbage bags
and the canoe.

What do you think I am,
stupid?

Naturally, I have
the garbage bags
and the canoe.

At exactly 7:10,

I put the canoe
into the water

and I start paddling south.

Good.

Meanwhile, Elaine and I
have arrived at Valley
River Center at 6:05,

and parked
in the northeast
corner of the parking lot.

This is going to be easy.

That's what
they told Nixon.

Where I let you
out of the car.

You take care
of the power saw,

I'll take care
of the vacuum cleaner.
Check.

Check.
Check.

Tomorrow!

MAN ON TV: Here they are!

You going so early?

I thought I'd do some
window shopping before
the show.

Your dinner's
in the oven.

Take a good look.
Who's it gonna be?

(MAN WHISTLING ON TV)

You're still mad at me,
aren't you?

If you're worried about
eating the food, Albert,
don't.

I stopped poisoning it
two days ago.

The hell with the food!

Why is your half
of the big bed still
empty at night, Louise? Why?

Remind me to tell you
about it sometime.

No, not sometime, now!

You tell me now
or this marriage
is over!

You walk out that door
without telling me

what the hell is going on
between the two of us,

and you won't find me here
when you get back!

You wanna know, Albert?
I mean, you really wanna know?

Yes, I really wanna know!

It's a long story.
Oh, I like long stories!

They usually have
happy endings.

All right, sit down.

I'm sitting.

No grabbing!
Sitting. No grabbing.

I was brought up to believe
that women should fall in love

with the best possible
good provider available
that they could stomach.

I was wrong.
I don't wanna know.

No, let me finish.

There you go.

That's right.

Possible flush.
Ooh!

No help there,
no help there,

pair of Jacks,
no help there.
Jack's bad.

Oh, Billy, in bed, 9:00.

Up to you, Billy.

See your quarter,
raise you a half.

Hey! Where the hell's
the damn beer?

LAURIE: Hold your water,
old man! It's coming!

Good grief!

I'll see your quarter
and raise you a dollar
here, big feller!

You're bluffing, asshole.
You don't have jackshit!

Will you listen
to my kids?

They talk like
your third platoon.

Well, it's better than
talkin' like those sissies

in the school he goes to
in the neighborhood.

♪ Roll me over
in the clover ♪

Okay, that's it.
Over. The end.

Lookit, I love you
very much, Dad,

but I'm sorry,
it's just not
gonna work out

with you
being here any more.

What'd I do?
What'd I say?

Hey,
didn't I do everything
I said I was gonna do?

Didn't I keep
my mouth shut?

Wasn't I like
a father to these...
I taught them everything.

I taught him
how to play poker.

Dad, you're just
gonna have to leave!

I will find you money,
I will help you find
a place to live, but...

I will, I promise.
But I'm warning you.

If this country
is ever attacked again

and we gotta go through Iwo
and Guadalcanal and Tarawa,

these kids are not
gonna be ready.

We're gonna have to
discuss this tomorrow.

Right.
Last hand of the evening.

All right now.
Here you go.

JANE: Laurie,
you get in bed.

Okay. It's okay.
Calm down.

Calm down. It's okay.

(CLICKING)

(CLICKING)

(GRUNTS)

Friggin' electric company!

Power and Light Company.

Thank you.

(RINGING)

Yeah?
ELAINE: My--My power
just went out.

Could you send a repairman
over here right away?

Oh, what's your name?

Mrs. Elaine Houghton.

Uh, Elaine Houghton.

17 Willowbrook Lane?
Yes.

Uh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Nope, nothing's wrong
with your lights, lady,

you didn't pay your bill.
$29.18.

Oh, my husband just left
on a hunting trip to Nigeria.

He must've forgotten
to send you the check.

I'll put it in the mail
tomorrow morning.

Now, would you please
turn the lights back on?

Uh, lady,
you're gonna have to talk to

the business office
about that.

Uh, I don't have
the authority to...
What's the number?

953-3000,
but they don't open
till Monday at 9:00.

This is an emergency!
It always is.

No, I'm serious!

Um, my mother
is a very sick woman.

She's in the bedroom
next to me
with her kidney machine,

which runs on electricity,

which has kept her alive
for seven years!

This wonderful,
84-year-old woman.

What's that, Mama?

The machine isn't going
"topacata, topacata,
topacata" anymore?

Oh, my God!

No, no, I'm not talking
to Oral Roberts
on the phone, Mama.

It's too late for that.

But the man
on the other end
of the phone cares.

You do care, don't you?

You will turn the power
back on, won't you?

Lady, that was beautiful.

Really terrific.

I mean,
I've been here seven years,

and that's the best
I've heard yet.

Great performance.

But, look, all is not lost.

Thrifty Mart is open 24 hours.

What good will that do?

They sell beautiful candles.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

I'm waiting
for a station wagon,
on account of the canoe.

Well, I had to
get rid of it in order
to fix Billy's retainer.

I know all about
you and Charlotte up
on the hill that night.

Nothing happened, Louise.
I swear it.

Not even a little
foreplay between you
and Fraulein Nurse?

Nothing below the waist,

and I was thinking
about you all the time.

Don't look at me that way,
Louise.

You have my word
of honor as a doctor

that I have been
completely asexual
since you moved into the den.

Except for
one small wet dream
which you were the star of.

Mmm. I'd like
to believe that.
It's the truth.

It's also the truth that
our problem is the same one

that nine-tenths
of the married couples
in this country are having,

and it's not sexual,
it's financial.

No, it's psychological.

You all want us to
remain your little girls,

and the only way you can
do that is by controlling
the purse strings.

You were happy when the IRS
put the squeeze on me, Albert.

Admit it.
I was not.

You wanted me to fail!

Louise, for Christ sake,
I love you!

And you love me.

How can you let
an argument over money
destroy our marriage?

Albert, it's not the money
I'm talking about!

It's the way you treat...

Money.
Oh, my God, the money!

The goddamn money!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

You can't talk to them.

Elaine!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

ELAINE: How late are we?
LOUISE: Not bad,
less than an hour.

♪ Oregon!

♪ Let's have a show
about it, Oregon!

♪ Think you should
know about it

♪ Here is a story
in all of its glory ♪

(DRUMS BEATING)

Your attention.
Your attention, please.

If you will come
to the Money Ball in
the center of the mall,

you will witness the next
Valley River Center's deposit.

We're expecting over a half
a million dollars, folks!

Once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

the Valley River Center
wants you to know
that this is your money!

All the money that you'll
clearly see in this Money Ball

will be pumped right back
into your community.

That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Valley River's way
to fight inflation!

(CHEERING)

Okay, okay.

Elaine,
where the hell
have you been?

I'm sorry
I'm late, Natalie.
Late?

We're just
freeing the slaves.

It's 1841 already.
We're almost a state.

Oregon didn't have any slaves.
Where did you get the slaves?

Are you sure?
I'm positive.

Well, it's too late now.
Here, I've been handling
all your light cues for you.

(EXCLAIMING)
Hey, there. Hey.

Up to?
What, I scare you?

I'm not up to anything.

Where, uh,
where's your friend tonight?

Elaine...
Uh, Mrs. Houghton.

Is she coming over tonight?

She's very busy.
Uh, she's in the show.

This show here?
Yeah? Really?
Yeah.

Oh, great.
Maybe I'll, uh,
see her after the show.

Yeah.

I gotta
hang around all night
in case somebody gets cute

with all that money
flying around up there.

Gee, I don't think anybody
would be foolish enough
to try something like that.

Officer, uh, Heintzel.
Heintzel, yeah.
Jack Heintzel.

Remember me? Huh?
From the other night?

Wheeler's Hardware?
I nearly arrested you

and your two friends, right?
Remember?

Yes, I do remember that.

You should remember,
you bad girl.

Well, gee.

I've gotta really
be running.

Okay, well, see you.

Oh!
Whoa, got you!

No, you don't.

Well, kind of.
I mean... Well...
I mean, thanks.

Yeah.
I'll see you later.

Damn it!

♪ Coming in on
a wing and a prayer

♪ Though there's one
motor gone

♪ We can still carry on

♪ Coming in on
a wing and a prayer ♪

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Number three,
ladies and gentlemen!
This is deposit number three.

Don't forget,
ladies and gentlemen,
you gotta keep coming.

You gotta keep coming,
because we have one more
to go!

One more deposit to go.
Don't forget, folks,
you gotta keep coming!

ELAINE: Oh, hurry up, Louise.
We're running out of history.

♪ The red birds cry

♪ As the Pawnee saw
her brave a-sleeping

♪ The red birds... ♪

(GROANING)

(FARTING)

(WHIRRING)

MEN: We're going to build
a new bowling alley!

Jeez.

And a new nine million
dollar football stadium!

And put 10 more beds
in the old hospital.

(BOAT APPROACHING)

Son of a bitch!

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God,
I'm gonna be late.

Look at all that
beautiful loot!

Look at all of those
beautiful prizes,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's your fortune.
Beat the high cost of living.

That's the final deposit,
ladies and gentlemen.

The Money Ball
is now filled!

(SAW WHIRRING)

Well, folks,
how much money
do you think is in there?

Take a free guess,
and you may be one of
our lucky prize winners.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Don't forget,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is the time
to make your guess.

The money is all in there.

Don't forget the
wonderful prizes we have.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is
a really once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity,

so now's the time
to make your guesses.

How're they going to get
that money out of there?

Turn it upside down,
I guess.

(WHIRRING)

(SQUEAKING)

(SCREAMING)

What the hell was that?

MAN: I said move it. Come on!

Oh, my God,
they didn't go out.

Wait a minute, everybody!
The show isn't over yet!

Uh...

What happened?
The lights went out.

Just the stage lights.

(STAMMERING)
Ladies and gentlemen, uh...

Please, don't leave.

We have this wonderful
finale for you.

Children from the state
orphanage with hope
for the future.

Talk to them.
I'll get us some light.

Hi!

Louise!

The next time we do this,
we're going to steal
an Indian first.

Then he can
do the paddling.

Did you remember
to bring the bags?

What do you think
I am, stupid?

Is there
anybody out there
with a flashlight?

Ah, if anybody has
a flashlight out there,

I'll show you
what the future of
this town's going to be like.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Thank you. Uh...

Well, here it is 1980,
and, uh...

Here we are.
Out of work, in hock.

Prices going sky-high.

About the only thing
we have left

are the clothes
on our backs.

And how long do you think
they're going to last, huh?

(CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

That was 1980. Uh...

How about 1981, huh?

(CROWD CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

Are you ready for 1982?

(CROWD ROARING)

Plug in the other end.

(WHIRRING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Are you ready for 1984?

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

That was 1984.
Do you want to see 1986,

or should we skip
right to 1990?

(CROWD ROARING)

Okay, turn it off.

Okay.

What the hell's
going on up there?

You! You, the big
good-looking guard,

next to the Money Ball.

Come on up here and help me.

She meant me!
The hell she did!

(CROWD ROARING)

Hey!

(CRASHING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Jeez!
What do you see?

Natalie Pokempher's
rear end.
What happened?

I don't know,
but I think we better
get the hell out of here.

(ALL YELLING)

Stop, stop, stop! Stop!

Stop?

(LAUGHING)

Okay. Let's go.

JANE: Okay, get in
and shove us off.
LOUISE: Okay.

Oh!

We did it, Louise!
We did it!

(LAUGHING)
I know it, I know it!

Louise!
Well, the seat's wet.

(SCREAMING)
Will you...

(YELPING)
Oh, Louise, you never
stand up in a canoe!

I can't swim!

Don't worry,
I've got the money.

I said, I can't swim!

Oh, my God!

I'll be right there, Louise.
I'm coming!

Jane!

(YELPING)

Oh!

Where the hell
have you two been?

I've been looking
for you for hours!

Hi, Elaine.
Hi, Elaine.

"Hi, Elaine."

Is that all you can say,
"Hi Elaine"?

Look at me.

How much money
did we get?
Two bags.

But they floated away.
You see, the canoe overturned.

And I can't swim.
I mean, it was
Louise or the money.

So where's the money?

What was going on up there?
I mean, we've been sitting
here for hours

trying to figure it out.

You wanna know
what was going on up there?

I'll show you what was
going on up there. $21.

And that's not all.
They don't even know
they were robbed.

I mean, it's bad enough
we didn't get the money,
we don't even get the glory!

They think
it was an accident.
It's covered by insurance.

And after all
we went through.

After all
you went through?

I exposed myself to
half the men in this town

to protect your cover,

and all I get
is a lousy $21.

$7.
We divide it, Elaine.

Remember, that was
our original agreement.

Everything we get,
we divide three ways.

One-third, one-third,
one-third.

Stop me, Louise,
I'm going to kill her.

Honest to God,
Jane, you just had
one lousy thing to do!

Why don't you calm down?

You blew it!
Everybody else did their part.

You lost the goddamn money!

Everybody else...

Shut up!

Look, the bag!
It must've got
stuck in the bushes!

(SCREAMING)

It's the money!

I thought you said
you couldn't swim?

I forgot.

Jane, you go get the money.
I'll save the genius.

Could we divide the money
right up, Elaine?

Jane, you swim, now!
Because that way
I could get a new dress.

I'll get the money
right now.

ELAINE: $22,140, $22,160,

$22,180...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, my God.

Morning.
Oh, thank God
it's only you.

(LAUGHING) What do you mean?
What's wrong?
Nothing, nothing.

I was just
in the neighborhood,
and I thought I'd come by

and see how you were
after last night.

Oh, I'm fine.
How are you?

Well, uh, for a man who's
taken five cold showers
in the last 12 hours,

I'm doing pretty good.

Can I, uh...
Can I come in for a minute?

A whole minute?
20?

What for?

(STAMMERING) Well,
it's about that striptease
you did last night.

I didn't get to
see the finish.

Matter of fact,
we never finish
anything, do we?

No.

I don't think
we're going to, either.

What do you mean?

Well, because I'm not really
interested in spending time

with someone who only wants
to spend 20 minutes with me.

the neighborhood
is filled with unhappy,
sexually unfulfilled ladies.

(STAMMERING) Wait,
what are you talking about?

(SIGHING)

Now, I meant what I said
the other night.

I'm crazy about you.
I want to be with you
all the time.

Then my phone number
is 375-1096.

And seeing as how
you have a phone in your car,
it won't even cost you a dime.

Okay.

Bye, Jack.

$22,200,

$22,220,

$22,240...

(PHONE RINGING)

$22,260.

Hello?

Hi.

Friday night
would be terrific.

8:00 is fine.

Yes, I'll dress up, too.

No, I love Chinese food.

ALBERT: Louise! Where are you?

I'm in the bedroom, Albert.

Oh, God, it's nice
to see you back in here.

Are you planning to
stay here for a little while?
It's a possibility.

Look, Louise.
I have a surprise
for you in my pocket.

I've seen that surprise
before, Albert.

Not this one,
you haven't.

What is it?
It's from the IRS.

I convinced them
Ye Olde Antique Shoppe is
not a hobby, it's a business.

You open that store
tomorrow morning.

Albert.
Oh, Albert, thank you!

Wait, wait.
We have to talk first.

Talk before sex?
Albert, how beautiful.

One thing.
Ye Olde Antique Shoppe has
to show a profit every month.

It will. Albert,
I promise it will, it will.

Take your clothes off.
No.

No?
Ask me in French.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

God, I love you!

(GASPING AND GRUNTING)

Let me get rid
of this tie.

Pull it off!

ROBERT: It's true,
all brides are beautiful.
Thank you.

Robert, why are you
locking the door?

We're married, remember?

I know, but
your little monsters
are only 20 feet away.

Our little monsters.

Still, it's a lot
better than my father.

Yeah. God, I only
hope he'll be happy
in his new apartment.

Yeah. I only hope that
you'll be happy with him

working for you
at the hardware store.

Jane, one small question.

Yes. The doctor says
that as long as you're
not too passionate,

we can make love
through the middle
of the sixth month.

And as long as I'm not
too passionate, through
the middle of the seventh.

But that wasn't
the question.

Oh.
Baby, where did you
get that money?

Oh, that. We stole it.

Louise and Elaine
and I stole it from
the Valley River Center.

You know,
Louise needed it
for the antique store,

and Elaine needed
it for Millard...
Okay, okay, okay.

But you know,
someday you're going to
have to tell me the truth.

Oh, that feels really good.

I haven't done
anything yet.

I know. It feels good not to
be in the back seat of a car
for the last two years.

Where in the hell did
you get the money, Jane?

I already told you,
we stole it.

Louise drilled a hole
underneath the platform.

Stuck a vacuum
up in that hole
and just...

Sucked that money out.
Okay, okay.

We took it out a conveyor belt
by the river where I came
up with a canoe.

Mmm-hmm.
But Louise stood up
in the canoe, so it sunk.

Everything was lost,
and Elaine came up,
really pissed off.

Starts yelling at us,
and Louise spots the money!
Mmm-hmm.

So we put all
the money in...