All language subtitles for Hack My Life s03e10 To Tell a Lie.eng

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed
to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks
make it worse,

stop what you're doing
immediately!

[ Screams ]

R. Hack"...

Looks like
quite the burn.

It really hurts,
Dr. Hack.

But some aloe Vera
should do the trick.

Not so fast, Dr. Hack.

Who are you?

And what are you
doing in my er?

I think you meanmy

I'm the new c.E.O.
Of hack memorial hospital.

And my first
order of business

was slashing
the aloe Vera budget.

You fool!

Can't you see this man
is in pain?

Quick.
Give me that burrito.

What are you going to do?
Have him eat his feelings?

[ Laughs ]

By placing aluminum-foil
wrapper around the burn,

I can conduct heat away
from the body and into the air.

Looks like you are
as good as they say.

I guess I'll have
to keep my eye on you.

Only if I get
to keepmy

on you.

[ Gasps ]

Is it just me, or did it
get hotter in here?

It's you.

Narrator: "Dr. Hack" --
if you can't stand the heat,

get out of the hospital.

-Tonight...
-Oh-ho!

...on "hack my life"...
Whoo.

Kevin:
B.v.p.'s got a sandwich hack

that'll make
peanut-butter lovers go nuts.

[Bleep] It's crazy!

Kevin: Plus, we show you how
to win father of the year

without doing any work.

Brooke: And a hack master
finally gives Kevin

the ass-kicking he deserves.

-Oh [bleep]
-Get ready to run...

...jump...
-[ Grunts ]

...and shimmy.
-They're so tight.

Oh [bleep]

Brooke: "Hack my life"
starts now.

Mm. Interesting.

Where were you on
the night of September 7th?

I'm pretty sure
I was with you.

Lies!

All lies!
[ Sighs ]

We're all familiar with the
intimidating lie-detector test.

But can this supposedly
infallible system be gamed?

I don't know,
Van poppelen, can they?

Get the light
out of my face.

Sorry.
Right now.

This is gaming the system.

Lie-detector tests
have been used

to ferret out
criminal activity since 1921.

The machines work by
measuring your body vitals

that respond to stress.

Today, Kevin and I are going to
take a real lie-detector test.

We'll each be using a hack
while we're being questioned,

that should help mask
our true stress levels.

The goal, of course,
is to beat the polygraph machine

and get away with
the crime of the century.

Earlier today,
Brooke and I risked

life and limb to pull of
a death-defying heist.

We stole our boss's lunch
from the fridge.

Long story short,
it's in our best interest

to beat
this polygraph test.

Yeah, otherwise we're
in serious trouble.

To fool this machine, I'm gonna
try to make the responses

to the control questions,
my "truths,"

look exactly
the same as my lies.

And to do that,
I'm going to use

the age-old method known
as the Booty clench.

I'm going to be
tightening up my downstairs

every time I tell the truth.

Now, that should throw off
the machine's accuracy.

All right, for my hack,
I'm going to take a thumbtack,

place it point-side
up in my shoe.

Every time I tell the truth,

I'm going to step
down on the tack,

which will elicit
a pain response,

which should have the same
reading as when I lie.

Ow.

Kevin: We'll be asked a series
of yes-or-no questions

by polygraph examiner
Dan ribacoff.

And the test
has now begun.

Are you currently
in the seated position?

Yes.

Are you in
the seated position?

Yes.

Is your first name Kevin?
Yes.

Is your first name Brooke?

Yeah.

Do you know for sure
who took your boss's lunch?

No.
Do you know for sure

who took
your boss's lunch?

No.

Did you take
your boss's lunch?

No.

Do you know the whereabouts
of your boss's lunch?

No.

Did you answer
all of the questions

on this test
truthfully?

I mean, it's easy
to tell the truth

when it wasn't
your idea.

Did you answer
all of the questions

on this test truthfully?

Yes.

And my [bleep]
is exhausted.

All right, kev.
I don't know about you,

but I think I crushed it.

I can tell you're
lying right now.

Dan, what happened?

Well, Kevin,
for your test...

There's deception
indicated.

You failed
your polygraph test.

Damn it.

Brooke, for your test...

You failed.

Oh-ho!

Your hacks were
extremely obvious.

And in a polygraph,

we would call that
intentional distortion.

Damn it.
In this case,

what you're seeing is that
I'm purposefully misleading you.

Right.

Did it read as though

I was stepping on a tack?

Because that hurt.
It did.

Every time you caused
yourself pain,

you had a significant
reaction.

Which I know is not
a natural reaction.

Okay.
So, I think it's clear

from the results
of these two polygraph tests --

you're both guilty.

Get my lawyer
on the phone.

Yeah.

[ Crash! ]

Peanut butter and jelly.

The most classic couple
in culinary history.

But peanut butter
pairs well

with a ton of other fillings.

Today, I've got a hack
for making nine different

peanut-butter sandwiches
at the same time.

It's like a nine way
in your mouth.

[ Whistles ]

All right. So, let's start
with our first ingredient.

Which is classic
smooth peanut butter.

And I'm going to make
a strip vertically

on 1/3 portion of the bread.

Next, some hazelnut spread.

And we'll do some crunchy
peanut butter...

-Ooh!
-...For a different texture.

Are you smooth or crunchy?

I really think it says
a lot about your personality.

[ Laughter ]
This is really coming together.

I'll start in with
the strawberry jelly.

Whoo!

Now we've got
marshmallow fluff.

All the moms watching out here,

do not send your child
to school with this sandwich.

[ Laughter ]
You're just opening

some portal of hell.

Last but not least, honey.
-Ooh!

By keeping one side of your
ingredients vertical

and the other horizontal, when
you push the bread together,

even though it's
six ingredients,

it's going to create nine
different flavor combinations.

[ Applause ]
[Bleep] It's crazy!

Ooh. This is so exciting.

And look, it's like a classy
little peanut-butter appetizer.

Oh, my god.
Wedding idea.

Passed apps.

There you have it.
Ta-da!

It's a peanut-butter party.

[ Audience ahhs ]

Oh.
That's my jam.

And my honey.

[ Laughter ]

And my marshmallow spread.

And my...
You get it.

I'm going to keep eating.

-Ugh.
-Up next, we've got

parenting tricks to bring up
baby, the hacktastics way.

-Hello.
-And...

[Bleep] Damn!

...a martial-arts
master shows Kevin

how to turn anything
into a lethal weapon.

When the the hack bites back.

Narrator: Next time, on
a heart-pounding "Dr. Hack"...

[ Thud ]

[ Gasps ]
The elevator's stuck.

Yeah, this place
has gone to hell

since the new c.E.O.'S
budget cuts.

Somebody help!

Don't worry. I'm sure we can
find some way to pass the time.

[ Romantic music plays ]
I'm claustrophobic!

And i'm
nine-months pregnant!

Oh, my god!
You're right!

Let us out of here!

Quick. Put your thumb
in your mouth and blow.

Are you sure
you're a doctor?

There's no time, woman!
Just do it!

Okay!

As you blow, pressure builds
in your abdomen,

which stimulates the vagus nerve
and lowers your heart rate.

Oh.
Thank you.

I'm much calmer now,
Dr. Hack.

But my heart
is still racing...

For you.

Mm.

Oh, I felt a kick!

[ Both laugh ]

Narrator: Stay tuned to see
what else kicks,

on the next "Dr. Hack."

So, you're going for a stroll
through the park,

minding your own business,
then suddenly --

oh! It's a mugger!

[ Laughs ] Oh, god!
Yes!

Wham-oh!

Oh. That's Jeff Christian.

He's a martial-arts expert.

He's going to teach us
how to hack our self-defense.

This is hack masters.

So, Jeff, uh, I looked
at your business card earlier.

It says,
"professional ass-whooper."

How do you get that title?

Well, I've been doing
martial arts for a long time --

since 1973.

I've been teaching martial arts
in New York City

since '94.

That's a lot
of board breaking.

It's a lot of throwing people
around, which is a lot of fun.

Okay. So, here's the thing,
you're looking at me,

and I'm not a big man.

So how can I
possibly defend myself?

Well, fortunately,
size is not the issue.

I do a style called
bujinkan budo taijutsu.

It's a Japanese style.

One of the most
effective weapons is the ones

that your opponents
don't know that you have.

As you walk through your life,
you can look around you

and see different objects
that are absolutely, 100%

useable as weapons.

What do you have
in your pockets?

I have, uh, I have my life
savings, which is nothing.

And I've got a smartphone.

Well, the cell phone is actually
one of the most popular hacks

that people unknowingly
carry about with them,

because they have it
all the time.

So, if I'm here, I'm holding
this like I normally would.

And then you'd come up,
right, at this point.

Different striking points --
collar bone.

You can hit
right one the head.

Right on
the back of the hand.

Very small bones
back there.

Ooh!
Collar bone.

Yep! Okay -- oh [bleep] Jeff.
Head. Right?

Okay, can confirm --
[Bleep] Damn!

[Bleep]

Although those things
are very, very painful,

that actually hurt!

That's very light contact.

So you can imagine
if you actually really

hit somebody with that.

What if I don't
have my cell phone?

Well, maybe
it's raining out.

Oh, okay. Yeah.
Got it.

All right.
So, what are you gonna

do a poppins and just fly away
and avoid the assailant?

In a perfect world, yes.
But otherwise,

it can be that you just use
this to block off people.

You can actually
hit people.

And the other thing
is this hooking action here.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's also another thing.

Or this hooking action.
[Bleep] Jeff!

[Bleep]

I reach into my pocket.
I've got a fistful of coins.

All right. Well, there's
a couple of different things

that we can do
with this, right?

But the easiest thing to do --
if you say,

"hey, give me your money,"
and I reach into my pocket

and I pull out the coins,
and I throw it at your face.

Oh.

So, a fistful of change
hitting you in the eyes

is enough to be able to give me
enough time, again, to get away.

Book it down the street.
I'm saying to you -- ah!

Yep!

Jeff, thank you so much
for sharing your techniques.

My pleasure.
You're a true hack master.

My pleasure, man.
Appreciate it.

Good luck.
Oh. Uh, uh. Sir!

Aaah!

Oh, sh-- okay!

Okay! [Bleep]
Do something, Jeff!

Kevin:
Sometimes even extraordinary couples face ordinary problems,

couples like Helen and Humphrey
and their brand-new baby.

Raising a child isn't easy.

But these two
are determined to pass on

their hacking knowledge
to the next generation

because they are
the hacktastics!

After a trip to the store,

Helen returns home with her
little bundle of joy

and dozens of grocery bags.

-Oh.
-To juggle heavy load,

this power mom reaches
for a diaper!

By wrapping it around her elbow,

Helen hacks herself
a hands-free carrying cushion.

Nothing crappy about that, mom.

Speaking of diapers,

smells like a change
is in order.

But somebody forgot
to buy baby wipes.

-Oh [bleep]
-Don't worry, mom.

Dad's on it.

He slices a roll of paper towels
in two

and places half
inside a plastic tub.

Then he pours in a soapy
solution of baby shampoo

and water, removes
the cardboard core,

and presto change-o --
hacked baby wipes!

Too bad there's no hacking
your way out of changing duty.

An empty diaper means
an empty belly.

And judging by the tears,
little Henry is h-angry.

But feeding baby and putting
all those groceries away

is going to call
for a serious balancing act.

That's why Humphrey
reaches for some ribbon!

By tying one end of the ribbon
around Henry's bottle

and the other the handle
of his baby carrier,

Humphrey hacks it
so that his boy

can hit the bottle himself.

Bottoms up.

After snack time
comes nap time.

But these tired parents
will need some help

getting little Henry to sleep.

Fortunately Humphrey's
got just the tools --

ribbon and a power drill.

He double-wraps the ribbon
around an Allen wrench

to avoid tangling,
attaches it to the rocker,

and tapes the drill
into the on position.

Now little Henry can keep
rockin' all night long.

With parental supervision,
of course.

Way to go, mom and dad!

You two now have the evening
to do whatever you like.

[ Snores ]

Including that!

Sleep well, hacktastics!

Close your laptop and throw
your smartphone down a well.

Brooke:
We're bringing the Internet's craziest hackers to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

The Internet is full of gifs,
memes, and porn.

But if you dig deep enough,
you can find the good stuff.

We're talking
about hacks, of course.

Like this one,
which promises to revolutionize

the way you pick up poop.

The poovak is
a pooper-scooper vacuum

that makes picking up
your dog's waste easier,

cleaner, and more dignified.

The poovak's patent-pending
design takes advantage

of the suction power
of a leaf blower,

to vacuum up pet waste.

The engineering brains
behind the poovak

is Jerry robichaux
from tuscan, Arizona.

All right, Jerry, now, as much
as we love our pets...

Who's mama's favorite girl?

Her name is winnie.
Hello, winnie.

...scooping poop can be
a huge chore.

And my dad just uses, like,
an old-fashioned shovel

and goes around
the backyard,

and he throws it
in the neighbors' yard.

Okay. Well, he's
a terrible human being.

But, Jerry, how did you
hack this product together?

About four years ago,

I was having trouble,
uh, maintaining the yard

'cause we had just
adopted a second dog.

I created this to help us, uh,
take care of the yard.

I started with a shop-vac,

with a stick attached to a hose,

and I tried to collect --
you know, it was on the ground,

and it kept getting
stuck in the hose.

And then I ended up throwing
it away after I tried this.

-[ Laughs ]
-I'm glad. I'm glad you did.

And I said, "well, I need
a nozzle as short as can be."

You just put
a leaf blower on top.

You've got your handle built-in.

And all you have to do is
just momentarily pitch the unit

to pick up whatever's there.

I have a question.

Is there a switch
that reverses the air flow

if you'd like to
shoot [bleep] at people.

I'm thinking about
the holidays coming up

and what to get my dad.

We want to avoid that.
[ Laughs ]

Jerry, I want to put
this thing to the test.

I've got a veritable
pupu platter here.

So, we've got chocolate-covered
almonds, doughnut holes,

and a brownie.

Delicious.

Let's vacuum some [bleep]

[ Vacuum whirrs ]
Feel the power of this.

Scoop it along in.
Get in there.

Can I make a suggestion?

Oh, yes.
By all means.

I think your nozzle's
upside down.

-Oh.
-Oh.

It's working, Jerry!

I'm going to fire
this thing up

to the high setting and tackle
this little pile of hate.

Beautiful.

Oh, little Debbie!

Oh-ho!

Took it like a champ.

Three for three!

Brownie points
for your invention.

Jerry, you are
a hacking genius.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to clean up
the dessert trays now, so...

Oh, okay.
I'll see you.

-Up next...
-Oh, god.

...hacks to give you a leg up
when slipping into skinny jeans.

This might be the closest
ever hack vs. Hack.

-Boink.
-And find out which of these

wing-eating methods yields
the meatiest results.

Oh, it's raining
bleu-cheese dressing.

Better stay dry.

Brooke: When "hack my life"
returns.

Narrator: On the dramatic
conclusion of "Dr. Hack"...

Hack memorial hospital
is bleeding money!

I'm shutting it down!

You can't do that!

My father, Dr. Hack sr.,

built this hospital
with his own two hands!

And a series of ingenious
workarounds.

She's just grumpy 'cause her
heartburn is kicking in.

[ Groans ]
Too many burritos.

There's something I've wanted
to say to you for a long time.

Would you like some gum?

Is it my breath?

No. Well...

Not just that.

Chewing gum sends saliva,
which is alkaline,

back down your esophagus,

neutralizing acid reflux.

Heartburn receding.

Hmm.

Plus you now have
kissably minty breath.

You know, this hospital
wouldn't be in financial trouble

if you didn't keep getting sued
for sexual harassment, Dr. Hack.

Well, call our lawyer
because we're about to have

another law suit
on our hands!

[ Tearing ]

[ Moans ]

Narrator: "Dr. Hack" --

curing and causing
problems of the heart.

Welcome, everyone,
to the first ever

"hack my life"
skinny-jeans showdown.

[ Cheering ]

Today, we're joined
by three professional models,

who are no strangers
to struggle of trying

to put on a pair of skinny,
skinny jeans.

-It's real.
-Oh, it's real.

Well, ladies, I have
some great news for you.

Because today we have some hacks

that might end these
skinny-Jean woes forever.

It's hack vs. Hack.

So, as professional models,

does changing quickly
ever come into play?

Yeah, definitely.
A lot of times.

Ladies, I think
it's about time.

Are you ready
to see your hacks?

-Yes.
-Ready.

Okay. Here we go.

Brooke: First up is Alicia,

who will be using a pair
of thigh-high nylons.

The silky fabric should
reduce friction.

And you should be able to glide
your pants on over them.

Kevin: Next is Audrey, who will
be using baby powder.

You want to apply
a thin layer of baby powder

all over your legs.

That should absorb
any excess moisture,

get those jeans right on.

Brooke: And to establish
a control time,

we'll have onyi put her jeans on
without the help of a hack.

She'll be using
the traditional method

we like to call
the skinny-Jean shuffle.

Jump into your jeans.

You do a little shimmy,
you suck, and button.

I think I'm a pro
at the skinny-Jean shuffle.

-Oh?
-Yes.

-Okay, okay.
-Okay.

Ladies, are you ready to face
your quick-change challenge?

-Yes.
-Let's do this.

Yes.

-Well, are you ready to begin?
-[ Laughs ] Yes.

In three, two, one.

Race!

-About two seconds.
-Jeans off the hanger.

Okay. Now, this part
is crucial.

It's the jump...

-Jump.
-Jump.

-Oh, is that the shimmy there?
-Those are so tight.

This is what
we do to ourselves.

-You can get it all in there.
-One more!

-Oh.
-Okay, it's on.

Oh! All right.
All right.

Ooh, these are
real skinny jeans.

No one said
this was easy.

Looks like
we're buttoned up!

-Okay.
-And that's time.

That is 59 seconds.

-Oh!
-Just shy of a minute.

That looked pretty epic.
You're out of breath.

I am so out of breath.
[ Laughs ]

But you clocked
in at 59 seconds.

Let's see if anybody
can beat that.

Alicia's first up
with the thigh-high hack.

-Are you ready?
-I'm ready.

Hack!

-Okay. All right.
-Right now, getting those

thigh-highs on.

So, the point of this
is they're a very layer,

which will make
your legs smooth.

This is already slowing
things down right here.

Yeah.

Both thigh highs are on.

I believe in you.
Your magic is real.

Okay, I need to see.
You're 40 seconds in.

She likes that.

-Oh, wait!
-Those are really skinny jeans.

-They're so skinny.
-Very skinny.

Do you feel kind of weird

that we're just watching
girls get undressed

and then
dress themselves?

Can't believe I haven't had
to enter my credit card.

I can see the outline
of the thigh high, like,

underneath the jeans.

All right.
That is it, Alicia.

Time is up.
Hack is done.

Unfortunately
it's not fast enough

to beat onyi's control time
of 59 seconds.

Next up, Audrey
and the baby-powder hack.

59 seconds.
That is the time to beat.

Here we go.
Three, two, one. Hack!

Okay, we've got a lot
of baby powder on the floor.

We've got
a bit on the legs.

Okay. Whoa.
We're applying more.

We're making so there's
a nice thick layer.

This is too, uh, messy.
Oh, but they're on!

Oh, but look at how
quickly those go on!

They are on!
That was lightening fast.

But now -- okay,
that's 26 seconds in.

Are we calling it?
We're calling it.

Wow.
Whoa.

Wow.
Whoa.

Baby powder
takes it home!

For our winner,
we have this.

-Oh.
-I'm a Jean --

-oh!
-You're a Jean-ius!

So, the next time you need to
squeeze into those skinny jeans,

treat your thighs
like a crime scene.

Give them a light,
powdery dusting,

and you're good to go!

Brooke: Open wide, hackers.

It's time to feed.

Kevin: Up next, we sink
our fangs into your hacks

for getting meat off the bone.

Oh, my god!

I fear for your safety
right now.

When the hack bites back.

Brooke, what are you doing?
That is not how you eat wings.

I'm trying my best,
but it's really hard

to get the meat off these tiny,
brittle little chicken bones.

Well, you're in luck,
because today's all about

maximizing your meat.

This is hack mail.

Today we're testing
three hacks

from some very hungry
and very wing-savvy viewers.

Whichever hack gets the most
meat off the wing bone

will be
awarded our coveted...

Together:
Hack seal of approval.

Our first hack --
bill in El Paso, Texas.

He writes...

"Meat umbrella" is definitely
in the urban dictionary.

[ Sighs ]
Just look it up.

Okay. So, you push
from one end...

Yeah. I started with
the fat end of the bottom.

If you put, like,
the pointier end down below,

you don't have as much
base to work with.

Right.
Down the bone we go.

You know, this is why
I grow my fingernails out.

Just...
Oh, beautiful.

Oh, it really
just slides off.

Look at that beautiful
meat umbrella.

Look at it!

Damn.
That was actually efficient.

Boink.

Going to dip
my chicken flaps.

Dip. Dip.
Oh, so good.

Just like mistletoe.
Mmm.

Hack number two comes
from Lance in Kansas, Missouri.

Hashtag -- #crushedit.

[ Muffled ]
It's hard to talk.

Where's my meat?

Okay. So, the idea
of the vampire teeth

is that
the plastic is so sharp

that if you chomp
down on the meat,

it should help separate it
from the bone nice and easy.

All right,
what Kevin's trying to say is...

Trying?
...When you have

sharp canines,

they are designed
to tear meat.

Yeah.
It's time to feed.

God.

You look like nosferatu.

It's far enough
in your mouth.

I'd take bite.

Uh.

This is a horror movie
in and of itself.

Is it working?

No. It's not working.

I fear for your safety
right now.

Didn't work.

That is
a bull[Bleep] hack.

Oh, my god.

Lance, I don't think
you really did this.

I don't think you had vampire
teeth in for a Halloween party.

I think you made that up.

I think you did this
to hurt us.

You took advantage
of our kindness, Lance!

Now, bill's method...
Okay.

...the veritable
meat umbrella.

I felt like that was
the quickest method

of getting the meat
off the bone.

Another bonus
of the meat umbrella

is a wonderful
meat-umbrella handle.

Yeah. A little
grip-and-dip.

So, I think there's
a clear winner, Brooke.

We've got to give it to bill
and his meat umbrella.

You win our...

Together:
Hack seal of approval!

If you have an idea
for something unappetizing

Kevin and I can
put in our mouths,

just go to trutv.Com/hacks.

Or just come find me
at any i-5 rest stop

north of the grapevine.

Ask for me by name.

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