All language subtitles for Hack My Life s03e09 Hack-a-Bye Baby.eng

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed
to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks
make it worse,

stop what you're doing
immediately!

What I like most
about this job

is getting the chance to help
someone in their darkest hour.

Same.

And I like to think of us
as life-hackers and life-savers.

Man:Attention all units.

We have a request
for immediate assistance.

Caller is recently divorced
and lonely.

I repeat, very lonely.

We're on it.

[ Sirens wailing,
radio chatter ]

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

♪♪

-Hello?
-Are they home?

[ Gasps ] Oh, god.
We're too late.

Too late.
We need an ambulance, stat.

What?

Oh! No, I'm --
I'm fine. Oh!

Sir, you want to tell us
what's going on here?

When my wife left, she took
everything, even the over racks.

Now how I am supposed to heat up
my frozen pizza?

Hey, Jack?

You want to check the coat
closet for some wire hangers?

-Already on it.
-Beautiful.

All right, sir, I want you
to take these hangers

and hang them
from the top of your oven.

You're doing great.

Now, you want to go ahead and
balance that pizza between them.

Wow. Did -- did I just
hack myself an oven rack?

You sure did.

Well, maybe I am good for
something after all, Brenda.

♪♪

-Tonight...
-Yeah!

Hackers, are you ready?
[ Whistle blows ]

Kevin:
We hit the ice to test hacks for handling slippery

What the [bleep]
-oh!

-Candace Bailey stops by...
-Congratulations.

...for a hacksperiment

that could determine the gender
of your unborn baby.

Brooke flips her [bleep]

When we game the automated
telephone system.

Eat a [bleep]
[Bleep] face! Oh!

And we shove strange things
into our mouths,

all in the name
of hacking.

Get your game face on,
hackers.

-Oh, no!
-[ Laughs ]

This is "hack my life."

Kevin,
what are you doing?

Stop pussy-footing around
and get out here!

It's just ice!

Yeah. It's ice!
So one wrong move -- boom!

You break your coccyx.
Oh, my god.

Your coccyx
is going to be fine. Don't talk about my coccyx!

Today, we're testing out

three hacks to prevent a fall on
even the slickest of surfaces.

Oh!
It's hack vs. Hack.

[ Cheering, bell dings ]

Welcome, everyone, to the "hack
my life" frozen face-off!

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Today, Jeremy, Ben, and Nate
will be competing

to see which hack can keep them
the safest and the sturdiest

as they attempt to navigate
our icicle course.

Our first hack
is grippy socks.

You can pull them
over a boot or a shoe

and create extra traction.

Our next hack is sandpaper.

You're gonna want to cut this to
be the same shape as your shoe,

secure it with some duct tape,

and this gritty texture should
give your shoes some extra grip.

Our third hack -- screws.

Use a screwdriver to
sink several half-inch sheet-metal screws

into the sole of your shoe.

The idea is that the screws will
dig into the surface of the ice

and give you a more solid base.

Right off the top.
Jeremy, what are you thinking?

I think I'm gonna go
with the sandpaper.

Ben, what's your hack?

I want the socks.
Okay.

Nate, the way our show goes
is if you're last in line,

that's the hack you get.
-Yeah.

No choices here, so...

Well, I'm actually pretty
excited about that,

'cause I can use the screws
as more like a blade,

so I may actually
be able to skate.

Okay, guys.
Let's lace up these hacks!

♪♪

Kevin:
All right, gentlemen.

Here is how this frozen face-off
is going down.

You'll begin
by taking out the trash,

winding your way down the ice
to those garbage bins.

Brooke: Then you'll pick
your morning coffee and paper

and zigzag your way through
our slippery slalom course

and into home.

All right, gentlemen.
Helmets on, trash bags up.

Hackers, are you ready?

On the count of 3, 2...

[ Whistle blows ]

-Whoa!
-Ah!

Looks like a slight stumble by
Nate in his screw shoes

right out of the gate,

but he's making up time
and now he's in the lead.

Brooke:
Sandpaper close behind.

Grippy socks not really gripping
anything at all.

Go, Ben.

Ooh!
Oh, he's got his bags in the garbage.

Lots of speed
with the screw shoes,

but he's sliding everywhere
on the turns.

And look out --
here comes grippy socks.

Oh, but not without slamming
into the backboards first.

Sandpaper's really catching up,
though.

Lots of great traction
with that hack.

And those grippy socks -- still
not living up to their name.

Oh, slow!
-Dripping!

-Oh!
-Down goes screw shoes!

That slippery slalom
just took Nate right out.

But he's back up!
He's back up!

Oh [bleep]

Coming down the final stretch,
it is neck and neck!

It is so close
into the final turn,

and Jeremy comes
with a slide across the finish,

some spilled coffee.

Nate just behind
and that is --

oh, wait. Wait up.
Hey, Ben.

Oh, no! [ Bleep ]
[ Laughing ] Oh, no!

Everybody okay?
Everybody survive?

-I'm great.
-Yeah, we're great.

Ben,
let's start with you. I crossed the line.

You did make it over the line.
Take me through your hack.

It didn't work
from the very beginning.

It was frozen on the bottom.
They were warm, but...

Brooke: Okay. Right.

For the actual, like,
running and stuff, no.

Nate, walk us through the
screws on the bottom of your shoe.

So, the top speed was there,

and the
acceleration wasn't as great,

but the maneuverability
was just the worst.

I felt myself
going horizontal.

Just so you know,
it was beautiful.

-Thank you.
-It was...

Jeremy,
with your sandpaper...

The sandpaper got great
traction, got great speed,

and great maneuverability.

Super comfortable.

And it's not iced over
like Ben's grippy slippers?

No, it's --
ice will build up,

but as you walk,
it'll kick it off,

and as long as the sandpaper
grit is still there,

I think the traction
is pretty spectacular.

Congrats to you, Jeremy,
and your sandpaper shoes.

You win
the coveted golden snow shovel!

[ Cheering, bell dings ]

♪♪

[ Projector whirring ]

♪♪

Announcer:
The adhesive bandage --

protector of wounds,
remover of arm hair,

but would you believe
these sticky strips

are also a hack from history?

Ancient Egypt.
Believing that evil spirits

could enter the body
through open wounds,

healers dipped pieces
of lint into honey

to hack
and easy-sticking bandage.

By the power of sekhmet,
I declare you healed.

Sweet!

Flash-forward 900 years to...
Ancient Greece!

Hippocrates
notices that cuts rinsed out

with alcohol
tend to heal faster.

Nurse!
Fetch me 50 ccs of ouzo, stat!

So he begins treating wounds

with a sticky compress
of wine-soaked fig leaves!

But the antiseptic bandage
we know doesn't appear until...

New Jersey!
1920!

Earle dickson, a buyer
for a medical supply company

is helping his wife
dress a cut on her finger

when suddenly,
inspiration strikes!

Don't bleed out!
I'll be right back!

Raiding the medicine cabinet,

earle sticks several
small gauze squares

onto a roll of medical tape

and cuts into strips.

Weeks later, earle pitches
his new creation

to his bosses
at Johnson & Johnson...

I call it
"the bandage helper."

...who immediately buy it
and re-brand it as the band-aid.

Flash-forward to today!

Thanks to earle's savvy hacking,

38% of all wound care products
sold in america

are adhesive bandages.

Though they may not
repel evil spirits,

they remain a bloody-good
hack from history!

Sample, please.
Kevin: Skip the doctor's office.

Up next, we see
if a little hack science...

Ooh!
Ooh, there it is!

...can predict
the gender of an unborn baby.

Brooke: Plus...
[Bleep] You, Dave.

...find out which hack I swear
will help you beat

automated answering systems.

I think that may have been
my favorite [bleep] of all time.

When the "hack" comes back.

We now return to "hack 911."

Oh, boy.
This guy again.

Hack 911,
we're coming in!

Everything okay, sir?

No!

I opened up
this bottle of wine,

and I don't have anyone
to share it with.

It's gonna go bad,
just like my marriage!

Nothing's going bad
on our watch.

Just give me the condom
out of your wallet, sir.

What?
What are you talking about?

You're a middle-aged man who's
just gone through a divorce...

There it is.

Buy rolling a condom down
the neck of the bottle,

it will allow the wine
to breathe while

preventing too much air
from getting in.

This will keep your rosé fresh
for about a week.

A week, huh?
Well, that's enough time

for Brenda
to realize her mistake

and come back to me, right?

Sure is.
It's, uh...

Have a good one, bud.

"Hack 911" --
to protect & hack.

-Hello?
-Sorry, I didn't get that.

Say "yes" or press 1.
-Just press 1.

-I'm pressing 1.
-Trying saying it.

1, 1, 1, 1, 1!
Number 1!

Oh, my god!
Hey, hey, hey!

Today, we're gonna teach you
how to bypass that dreaded

automated recording
because this...

Is gaming the system.

You know when you dial
a company's 1-800 number

and you get all those robot
voices screaming at you?

They're not there to help you.
No, they're there to delay you

so the company
can handle more calls.

So today, we're gonna call
a customer service number

known for its excruciatingly
long wait times.

Yeah.
It can take up to six minutes

to get past
an automated robot,

so anything less will
be considered a hack.

Hack #1 -- secret code.

According to the Internet,
you can use the code #0#0

to bypass most
automated phone systems.

All right.
Let's finger-blast skynet.

-[ Sighs ] What?
-I'm gonna try the code.

I'm an automated system

that can handle
complete sentences.

How can I help you today?

Okay, please hold while
I transfer you

to the next
available specialist! Oh!

Ah!
Hey!

#0.
Pound through it!

Boom!

Time for hack #2,
the operator hack.

For this one, all you've got
to do is say "operator!"

And that should automatically
get you through to a human.

I'm an automated system that
can handle complete sentences.

So, tell me.
How can I help you today? Operator.

[Keyboard clacking

oh, that's gross.
They have fake typing noises?

Please bear with me
just a moment.

Please press 1
for technical support,

press 2 for help
with a recent order,

and press 3 for sales.

I feel like you're still
talking to a machine,

and the whole point of this
hack was to talk to a human.

Operator!

Please tell me your reason
for calling today.

Operator.
[ Keyboard clacking ]

Please bear with
me just a moment.

[Instrumental music playing

[ buzzer sounds ]

Should we try hack #3?

We should definitely move
on to our final hack.

For this one, we're
gonna harness our rage

because many of these machines
are designed to sense anger

in your voice.

You shout
something naughty,

the machine's gonna get you
right to a human.

So, we're gonna swear
at some robots?

[Bleep] Yeah!

Let's do this.
Let them have it.

Are there any children
watching right now,

which is most of
our core audience,

put on some earmuffs.

Your call may be recorded
for...

[Bleep] You!

Eat a [bleep]
[Bleep] face!

So, tell me,
how can I help you today?

[Bleep] In your ass.
[Bleep] You, bitch!

You [bleep]
I can hear your voice,

but it doesn't sound like
you're talking to me.

[Bleep] Pissed, you bitch!
Okay.

Eat a [bleep]
let me transfer you

to the next available
specialist.

Boom!
[Bleep] Right, you're going to.

Hi, this is David. Can I have
your order number, please?

[Bleep] You, Dave!

Oh! Oh!

Okay.
When performing the hack,

be careful that the hack stop
once you've achieved your goal,

which is speaking
to a human being, Brooke.

Oops.

Well, we learned that
as annoying

as those
automated phone systems can be,

they can be gamed!

Sometimes it's as easy as
just punching in a secret code.

Just swear up a storm.

You're [bleep] right,
Brooke.

♪♪

Hey, TV friends!
This is my real-world friend.

This is Candace,
and we worked together,

like, five years ago?

-Yeah.
-On "attack of the show!"

You are in fact pregnant.

Clearly.
So what if I told you

that there were
some fun hacks

that would help you determine
the gender of your child

that don't even require you
to leave your living room.

Would you believe me?
No way.

I wouldn't believe me, either.
But this is a hacksperiment.

All grown up now,
aren't we?

Yeah! You're
still single, though, right?

Okay. Yep.
Great catching up.

Let's get into the bit,
Candace!

In this bag, I've got
three different hacks

that should help us determine
the gender of her child.

At the end of
our hacksperiment,

Candace will reveal
the true gender of her child,

and we'll see
how our hacks compare.

You know, my mom
actually wanted me

to try some of these
weird things

that would tell me
if I was having a boy

or a girl, so I'm excited!

Our first hack is
a fetal heart rate monitor.

This will show us the heart
rate of your unborn child.

140-160 is the
heartbeat-per-minute range

that supposedly dictates
that you're having a girl.

Below that,
you're having a guy.

The logic behind this hack,

which may
very well be flawed

is that girls are smaller,

and that includes
their hearts,

so their hearts have
to pump even faster,

they have to beat
more times per minute

to get the blood to circulate.
And us boys...

You just have
these massive hearts.

Big ol' hearts.
They got two of them in a sack!

Oh! Okay.

You hold this.
All right.

All right, I've never done it
to myself, so, we'll see.

You'll find it.
Okay.

[Heart beating

ooh! There it is!
You hear it?

There it is!
That's the heartbeat!

Oh, looks like
it's under 140.

You're having a boy.

I don't know.
I'm not telling you.

For our second hack,

I'm gonna need some string
and a wedding band.

For what?

Here's how this works.
Take our wedding band.

Beautiful. Wow.
Oh, thank you.

What's he do?
Shut up!

And let the ring dangle
from said string. Mm-hmm.

If it goes
in a circular motion... Uh-huh.

...around your tum-tum...
Mm-hmm.

...that means it's a girl.

-Okay.
-If it moves like a pendulum

swinging north and south,

that means it's a boy.
Okay.

I'm not gonna move
my fingers at all.

Okay.

So that's swinging
back and forth.

-Mm-hmm.
-That's like a kid

on a swing right now.

See, now it's doing the opposite
of what it was just doing.

That's definitely circular.

I mean,
if this were an 8-ball,

it would say
"outlook uncertain."

That's pendulum-like.
I think you're having a wookiee.

[ Laughs ]

Candace, do you want
to call this?

-Inconclusive?
-Yeah.

This is terrible.

Our final hack is...

The old urine test.

The theory behind this hack
is that if you have a boy,

it's gonna raise the acidity
level of your urine.

And we're gonna add
some baking soda to it,

and if the baking soda
begins to fizz...

[ Inhales sharply ]

What is it?
...It's a boy.

Sample, please.
There you go.

That's your urine,
isn't it? Sure is!

That's what you asked for,
isn't it?

I kinda did.
Ready to find out if it's a boy?

I'm excited.
Here we go.

Oh!
Just waiting on that fizz!

There is no fizz,
is there?

No, there's totally
not any fizz.

That's a girl!

So now I'm confused 'cause
we have a boy, an inconclusive,

and a girl! [ Laughs ]
-Yeah.

So can we get
to the results?

We can!

I'm having...

...a girl!
-Ha!

[ Cheering, bell dings ]

Congratulations.
Thank you!

Yeah, and congrats
to our hack, as well,

because putting some
baking soda in urine

will give you
the exact same results

that a doctor would.
You can have this.

Oh, I'm more
interested in this.

[ Laughs ]
Gross, though!

Brooke:
Coming up, we test your hacks

for shoving corn
into our holes.

Kevin: Remember,
the Internet's forever.

See which one
nearly kills Kevin.

-[ Coughs ] God.
-No one should do this.

-This is a prank.
-When the "hack" comes back.

We now return to "hack 911."

Man:This is dispatch. Over.

We have a request
for immediate assistance

from officers mack and Jack.

Caller says
that it is urgent.

Yeah, we're on it.

Oh, come on.

Man, am I glad
to see you two.

You know, three calls
in one day, sir.

That's a new record for us.

It's just that,
ever since Brenda left,

I can't really sleep at night.

Will you cuddle me?
-Ugh.

That's against protocol.

Also, it's weird.

Why don't you, uh, lie down
diagonally on this cover for me?

Let's go.
Very good.

All right, now, I'm going
to take this left corner

and tuck it under
your right hip.

-Up!
-Very good.

Now, this bottom
corner up over your feet,

and then hand me
that right corner.

We'll tuck that
under your left-hand shoulder.

Very good.
All right.

Now, you want to try and toss
and turn for me now, sir?

-I can't.
-Exactly.

Constricting the limbs
is a known stress reliever,

and it will help you
fall asleep faster.

[ Yawns ] I am getting tired.
Fading fast.

I'm not divorced in my dreams.
-Mm.

You know, it's moments like
this that make this job worthwhile.

[ Snoring ]

"Hack 911" --
to protect & hack.

[Screaming, gunshots

[ whispering ] What'd I miss?
Is Leo dead?

[ Sighs ]

You know, maybe if you'd
watch the movie

instead of paying attention
to your popcorn,

you'd know
what was going on.

I don't want to get butter
all over my hands. It's gross.

Listen, butterball,
it's your lucky day

'cause we've got some hacks

to keep those fingers
nice and clean

in today's hack mail.

All right, friends. Here's how
this hack mail is going down.

Brooke and I are gonna
attempt to eat our way

through these greasy
buckets of popcorn

without making a mess
of our hands.

The hack that keeps
our fingers the cleanest

while delivering the most corn
into our holes get our...

Both:
Hack seal of approval!

And the nominees are...

Chopsticks.
In popcorn.

Yeah!
Get it going!

Yeah, that feels
comfortable.

You're not getting that butter
all over your hands.

You can keep constant contact
with that movie screen.

Clean hands.
Also, portion control.

I'm eating at a decent pace.
It's quiet.

I'm not disturbing anybody.
I think it's a good hack.

Hack #2 comes
from Todd in bath, Ohio.

He says...

Okay, Todd.
Game on.

Yeah, I think mouth
outside the tube is the way... No. [ Laughs ]

I think that's the only way
it's going down, Brooke.

I know
we're trying to avoid it,

but I feel like
that's what's happening here.

Remember,
the Internet's forever.

I want each breath
to be my last.

Oh!

[ Coughs ]

God.
Okay.

Yep.
No one should do this.

Stay away from this.

Our last hack comes from Miguel
in Charlotte, north Carolina.

Miguel knows us so well.

Here we go.

Okay, that easily
holds a large.

Oh, looks like
pelican's mouth.

My chest is nice and warm.
I'm hands-free.

If I want it a little
closer to my head...

I appreciate your commitment,
but for me,

I think just put the bucket
or the bag right on in.

Now, would you actually
do this in real life?

God, no!

This is a prank, basically.
-Yeah.

So there's one every time
we do this segment.

Might have been
two this time, Brooke.

Now, our first
hack, we laughed at.

Laughed at.
Chopsticks!

Judged it
right out of the gate.

We owe you a big apology.

The chopsticks
were very portable.

You're not choking
and you're ruining a hoodie

and getting popcorn
everywhere.

Val, you win our...
Both: Hack seal of approval.

If you folks at home
have hacks that you want

it's oh-so-simple.

Just got to trutv.Com/hacks
and send them in.

And, hey!
You might break Brooke!

[ Chuckles ]

I'm Brooke.

Man: Check, check, 1, 2.

So, you're on your way
to a romantic picnic,

and that's when
your hot date calls

and says "hey, sweetheart,
don't forget the wine opener."

And you're halfway there.

So what are you gonna do?

We're gonna put hidden
cameras everywhere and see

if the strangers of New York

will lend you a hack.

Miss, do you have a hack
to get into a bottle of wine?

-No.
-Nothing.

Did you see a wine opener
over there by any chance?

Do you guys have one on you?
-No. Sorry.

Something to pop a cork?
It's non-alcoholic.

I'm not a degenerate.

Sir, do you have bottle opener
by any chance?

Why don't you try
to push it with your thumb?

-With my thumb?
-Your thumb.

Try pushing in.
That work?

Do you have strong thumbs?
I'm a porcelain doll.

Like, I'm a very weak man.

I don't mind you
thumbing the bottle.

Nope, I don't
think it's going in.

Yeah, no, I --
-maybe shake it?

I don't know.
-I've seen this on yachts

in hip-hop videos, but I don't
think it was with wine.

It's not working.
[ Buzzer sounds ]

Aah!

Miss. Hi.
How are you?

-Good, how are you?
-I would be so much better

if I could get
into this bottle of wine.

I have a lighter.

All right, so the idea
is if we light,

this is somehow going
to loosen up the cork?

-Yeah.
-And make it come out?

They probably think
I'm performing street magic now.

[ Laughs ]

The cork is on fire.

That is nice and toasty now,
but I don't think it's...

No.

Is that even safe to do?

[ Buzzer sounds ]

I just want to drink you
so bad.

Sir.
-Yes.

Um, listen.
Bottle of wine.

I need to get into it
and I don't have a opener.

Well, I don't have
an opener, either,

but I have a set of keys.

♪♪

So you're thinking
of jamming that in there.

-Jamming it in.
-Okay.

Getting some leverage
on it,

and then maybe
pulling it out that way.

Okay.
That's working.

At an angle.

And then I think...
-Whoa!

Oh! I hear it!

Or maybe that's cicadas.

I think I got it.

Oh! I see it!

See if you can
pull it out with that.

[ Cork pops ]

Aah!

There it is.
[ Bell dings ]

You just made my evening
and probably my morning, so...

Thank you.
Thank you for lending me a hack.

-Here's to your date.
-[ Laughs ] There was no date.

She never existed.
[ Laughs ]

Brooke: Huddle up, hackers!
It's make-or-break time.

Tricks to take your tailgate
from worst to first

when the "hack" comes back.

Kevin: There are two types
of people in this world --

those who embrace hacks,
and those who reject them.

To see which type
gets better results,

we're doing to do
a side-by-side comparison

in hacker vs. Slacker.

Hacker Max
and slacker Max are both

tailgating today's
championship game.

The fans are getting rowdy,

but it's not game time.
They're just hungry.

Slacker Max's tiny grill

can't cook up burgers
fast enough

to feed all the fans,

meaning they'll eat anything,

even these undercooked burgers.

Meanwhile, hacker Max has more
than enough grilled meat

to feed a football team.

That's because he put
glowing-hot charcoals

inside a cinder block

to hack himself a hibachi.

The kabob is up and it's good!

Slacker Max's friends
are leaving it all on the field.

Literally.

The paper plates slacker Max
serves his food on are so flimsy

that they're spilling good
grub all over the parking lot!

Hacker Max, on the other hand,

knows that the best offense
is a good defense.

By cutting beer-bottle-sized

holes in the middle
of his plates,

he hacks his way to
a perfectly balanced meal.

Clean hacks, full fans.

Can't lose.

Slack Max's supply of booze

is warmer than a standing o
from the hometown fans.

His cooler can barely
hold more than a six-pack.

Hacker Max, meanwhile,
has ice water in his veins

and frosty-cold beer
at the ready,

thanks to his
homemade beer fountain.

Made by balancing
three kiddie pools

on top of each other,
this alcoholic attraction

can keep dozens upon dozens
of cold ones cold.

Don't be like slacker Max!

Be like hacker Max and start
hacking your life today!

[ Raspy ] Ahh, thank you.
That was refreshing.

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