All language subtitles for Hack My Life s03e07 Jump the Line.eng

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed
to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks
make it worse,

stop what you're doing
immediately!

Male announcer: The following is
a paid advertisement

for ultra silk auto shine.

Every car owner wants
that showroom shine,

but who wants to shell out
for expensive waxes?

Introducing
ultra silk auto shine.

It's the car Polish
you already have

because it's hair conditioner.

Grab a bottle
of hair conditioner

from your bathroom and mix it
with two cups of water.

Lather, rinse, and repeat
as many times as you like.

Thanks to the lanolin
in you conditioner,

your car will only get shinier.

Just look at that glossy finish.

Is that my car,
or is it Salma Hayek's hair?

[ Chuckling ]
I honestly can't tell.

Kevin: Tonight...

Nards!

Kevin: ...Your mind is
about to get blown.

Brooke: We show you
how to hack your way

to the front of any line.

Holy [bleep]
that was amazing.

Ohh, mama!

Brooke: Kev and I leave it
all on the lawn

in a head-to-head
leaf-clearing battle.

Come on you [bleep] losers.

Kevin:
Plus, a hack so good,

I can't even believe
my own eyes.

Hacks never work
like that!

That's insane!
-[ Laughs ]

Kevin: It's all starting
right now.

Don't die on me,
you son of a bitch.

Brooke:
This is "hack my life."

♪♪

Did you know
the average American spends

72 years every year
waiting in line?

Sounds like three days
too many, Brooke,

which is why, today,
we're gonna show you

how to stop wasting
your life in line

and how to cut
to the front every time.

This is
gaming the system.

As a civilized society,
we've come to accept lines

as an essential
but annoying part of daily life.

But today, we're gonna change
all that by showing you

how to game your way
to the front of any line,

anytime, anywhere.

And by "we,"
I mean my friend Grant.

Yeah, not Brooke and I.

What's going on, Grant?
-Hey. How're you guys doing?

Well, Grant, you've got
the toughest job today.

You're gonna be the guys
who is cutting in lines.

Are you concerned?
Are you nervous?

In New York City, yeah.
I don't want to get beaten up.

-[ Chuckles ]
-Let's get to the hacks.

All right, so, here's
how this is all going down.

Grant's Mark is a popular
New York City lunch joint,

and the line here can get
upwards of 45-minutes long.

Grant's first hack today is the
"I'm a foreign tourist" hack,

where he'll pretend
he doesn't speak the language.

I think I'm gonna go
with no English at all.

Just, "burger? Yum."
-Yum.

Copy that, Grant.
We're excited for this one. Got it. Okay.

All right, here we go.
He's sizing up the line right now.

You can see he's looking
for the lone victim.

Where is it?
He's finding the weak link. Oh, god.

He's gonna try
to exploit it. Look at that line

This guy right here.

[ Sheepishly ]
Excuse, excuse.

Um, burger?
-Yes.

Yum.
Yum, yum, yum.

"Yum, yum, yum"!

-Yummy!
-And he's in.

Oh, look, look! She's
telling the people, like --

she's not gonna allow
for that.

Look, she's thinking
about it.

You can see
she's thinking about it.

She's wanting
to yell at this guy.

I feel like
he should get bold

and try and jump
a few more in line.

Let's see if you can leap-frog
like five more people.

Grant:
All right, here we go.

Burgers.
Burgers.

Grant: Burger?

Burger here?
-Yeah.

Hang in there.
Hang in there.

But burger here?

"Line"?

Oh, god,
this is so awkward. [ Chuckling ]

This is amazing, though.

Looks like
they're giving up.

He's done.
He's in.

You just cut off, like,

a good 10-minute wait
right there, man.

The "I'm a foreign tourist"
hack is a...Burger, yum!

Burger!

[ Ding! ]

Our second hack is the
"hey, I'm your friend" hack.

Brooke: This is where
you saunter up

next to someone in line
and pretend like you're friends

before the people
behind you can catch on.

They look lonely.
Let's give them a friend!

Hey, dude.
How are you?

-Sorry?
-How you doing?

[ Chuckling ]
I'm doing all right.

How are you doing?
-Doing well, man.

God, glad to be
out of that meeting.

That was stupid.

Perfect. Perfect, Grant.
You're killing it.

I think these people
are waiting, actually. Yeah, yeah.

-I think they're waiting.
-Oh, no.

We've been here
for 15 minutes.

Grant: Aw, man, you got to play
me dirty like that, dude?

[ Both laugh ]
We just got out of a meeting together.

We're good.
-I really don't know this guy.

I don't know him.

Kevin: Grant, try more friendly.
Talk about the weather.

Ask them if they're watching
"westworld."

Have you seen "westworld"
by any chance, the new show? [ Laughs ]

Not yet.

It's fantastic.

Oh, my god, that guy looks
like he wants tokill

you're w-- oh.
Okay, all right.

Aw, poor Grant.

Grant: Oh, man,
he was not having me.

[ Buzzer ]

Okay, so, not everybody need
a friend in this world, Brooke.

Sure don't.

Now, our third hack is
the justify method.

According to studies,
people are more likely

to give you a free pass when
you explain why you're cutting.

So, for this hack,
Grant is going to pretend

that he royally screwed up
his new boss' order -- ugh!

If he doesn't fix
that lunch right way,

he's gonna get fired.

You better hack like
your job is dependent upon it,

because it is, Grant!

Right. Sorry.

Oh, god.
This one's making me so nervous.

Grant: Hi. I am so sorry
to bother you.

I got
my boss' order wrong.

Is there any way
I can go before you?

I'm so sorry
for cutting you guys.

Grant: My boss is
a frickin' [bleep] Though.

Is that okay?

He's in it.
Wow!

Oh, my god, he just --
wow!

Holy [bleep] Grant.
That was amazing!

[ Ding! ]

-Hey!
-The hero of the day!

-Whoo, man of the hour.
-Hello, hello.

-Well played, buddy.
-Thank you very much.

-Two out of three.
-Two out of --

yeah, I was super-excited.
-Not bad at all.

Now, look,
the, "burger, yum," approach,

as well as the justify,

"my boss is going to fire me"
approach -- yes.

Did one feel worse
than the other?

Yeah, the one
about the boss.

I felt bad ;cause
I'm just, like, giving them

a sob story
about a fake boss, but --

yeah, you're lying.
You were lying to their face. Yeah, "a sob story," sure.

"Oh, so sad" --
you were lying to them

and taking advantage
of their kindness. [ Laughs ]

Your boss really sounded
like an [bleep] yeah.

He was.
Yeah, well, you know what? He got his damn burgers.

Thank you, Grant.
-Yeah, we did.

♪♪

[ Projector clicks, whirs,
fanfare plays ]

Male announcer: High heels --

squisher of toes,
lengthener of legs.

But did you know
these skyscraping shoes are

also a hack from history?

Ancient Egypt --

butchers find themselves
up their ankles in animal guts.

To avoid wading
through all that blood,

they attached wooden arches
to the soles of their sandals.

By osiris, these shoes are
the "tutan-bomb-UN."

Male announcer:
But heels as we know them

don't appear
until 16th century persia.

Soldiers need a way to stay
on their horses during battle,

so they add a platform
to the back of their boots,

giving them the edge they need
to stay in saddle.

My heel game is
on point.

Male announcer: High heels
quickly spread to venice,

where male aristocrats used them
to appear more powerful.

I'm literally looking
down on you.

And female courtesans wear them
to stand out.

Why don't you come up
and see me sometime?

High heels grow in stature

and height throughout Europe,
until --

Paris -- 1791.

Noted short person
Napoleon bans high heels

for being elitist.

Off with their heels!

They become unfashionable
until --

Paris -- 1954.

When French designer
Roger vivier attaches

a metal rod
to the heel of a shoe,

and the stiletto is born.

So, here's to you, high heels.

You've helped people rise
above the rest for centuries.

And for that, you are
a hack from history.

Kevin: Coming up...
That's insane! [ Laughs ]

...a hack you need to see
to believe.

I was wack for thinking
it wasn't a hack.

Brooke: Plus, think
you're ready for this jelly?

Nards!

Hacks for making an air-tight
pb&j when we return.

♪♪

Male announcer: The following is
a paid advertisement

for wash-Ka super clear.

Big windshield wants
you to believe

you need to spend big money
on their precious blue fluid.

What's in that stuff anyway?

Introducing wash-Ka super clear,
the first

and only windshield-wiper fluid
made from vodka.

Just combine vodka, water,
and a dash of soap, then mix.

[ As Connery ]
The name's man -- "pitch man."

And my car takes wash-Ka
shaken, not stirred.

[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ] You can spend
upwards of $5 a gallon

on regular wiper fluid...
[ Buzzer ]

But why would you?

Wash-Ka is foolproof, 80 proof,
and 100% on the house,

because you've
already got vodka.

Male announcer:
Must be over 21 to order. Please wipe responsibly.

You know, almost four
out five people require

some sort of corrective lens
to see better.

Well, today,
we're testing out a hack

that could put ophthalmologists
the world over out of business.

This is hack or wack.

For today's hack or wack,
I'm joined

by three true visionaries --
Anne, Melissa, and Jack.

What would you say
if I told you I had a hack

that could improve your vision
without expensive Lasik

or glasses or contacts?

-I'd say, "let's try it."
-Cool. Bring it on.

The hack is
the fistocular.

Go ahead.
Try it on. Right?

So, the theory
behind the old fistocular is

that you're narrowing
the beams of light,

you're focusing them
onto the most sensitive part

of your retina, and that
should help improve your vision.

Or so they tell me.

That's definitely wack.

Your gut's probably right,
but for the sake of it,

let's test this.

Anne, could you please
cover your left eye?

Starting with line 1,
you may begin.

"E."

"E."

Okay.

Fire it down there.

If I'm gonna be honest --
I can't see the first letter.

[ Laughs ]
I know it's an "e," but, like...

[ Laughs ]

"F," "p."

I think
they're both f's.

T-o-z.

L-f-e-d.
[ Buzzer ]

P-e-c-f-d.

E-d-c-p-z?
[ Buzzer ]

"F."

Yeah, that's
what you're getting. [ Laughs ]

And the rest is pretty much
just a gray square.

Kevin: All right,
here are the results so far.

Without fistoculars,
Anne read to line 7,

Melissa made it to line 5,

and Jack barely saw past line 1.

Let's see what happens
with the fistoculars.

"Anay"?
"Unney"?

Anne.

Anne, the doctor
will see you now.

Okay, so, cover
that eye again. Okay.

And then, let's see
the fistocular.

F-e-l-o...

P-z-d.

Yes.

Dare we attempt
line 8?

M-n --

just want to confirm
you're on a line 8.

Yep, I'm on line 8.
[ Chuckling ] Okay, all right.

Keep going then.
You're doing great.

F-p-o-t-e-c.

Okay, hey,
t-e-c- was right. Great!

-Fistocular -- go ahead.
-All right.

You can start at the top.

But I'm even more sure
that it's two f's now.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man! Oh, man!
So, check this out! [ Laughs ]

I just did it really tight,
and it actually helped.

-What?! No. No, don't.
-This is crazy.

So, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no.

I just did it so tight.

E-d-f-g...

Uhh...something-p --
z-p?

-Yeah, it is z-p.
-Yeah!

You chart-memorizing
son of a bitch. No, no, I'm not lying

this really works.

No, I don't believe
any of this.

P-e-c-f-d.

E-d-f...

C-z-p.

[ Laughs ]
That's so weird.

-No. No.
-Yes, it really works.

-Yes, it does.
-No!

Hacks never work
like that.

That's insane!
-[ Laughs ]

No, yeah.

Give me line 6
one more time.

E-d-f-c...

[ Laughs ]

Z-p.

I am shocked.

Anne, you went from 20/25 vision
to 20/20 vision.

Melissa, you went
from 20/40 vision

to 20/30 vision --
not bad.

Jack, I thought you were
totes [bleep] with me. No.

No, it really --
-it really worked for you?

Yeah, I was, like, probably
the most skeptical,

I feel like, too.
[ Laughter ]

You went from 20/100 vision
all the way to 20/25.

Like, that's
a mild miracle.

Okay, hack or wack --
Anne, we'll start with you.

-I'm gonna say hack.
-Melissa?

-It's a hack, yeah.
-Jack?

It's a hack!
Yeah, it's wild.

Amazing!
The hacks have it.

The fistoculars are,
in fact, just that.

It's a hack.

♪♪

Can you hack your way
out of a jam?

Let's find out
in today's pop quiz.

♪ Oh, yeah, p-b-j,
time to put it in my mouth ♪

Yeah.

Aw, nards!

Have your subpar
sandwich-making skills

left you in a sticky situation?

Jelly's the best part.

Guess I'll just go hungry.

Easy, buddy.

I've got a hack that will save
your sloppy sandwiches.

Let's see if you can guess
what it is in today's pop quiz!

Right on, quizzes are my jam!
[ Chuckles ]

Leaves the puns
to the professionals, chief.

Right.

Brooke: Okay, what can you add
to your sandwich

to keep the jelly
from squirting out the sides?

Is it "a," baking soda,
"b," toothpicks,

or "c,"
more peanut butter?

You didn't help me
before, peanut butter.

Get out of here.

Toothpicks would literally hold
the sandwich together.

But I've been burned
by you before.

Baking soda dries things out.

Yeah, baking soda.

[ Buzzer ]
What, are you nuts?

The answer is actually "c,"
more peanut butter.

Come on.

All you have to do is take
two pieces of bread

and cover each with
a thin layer of peanut butter.

Then, add another layer
of p.B. To one of the slices,

but only along the edges.

Now just scoop in some jelly
and close everything up.

Hey, this is great!

Thanks, pop quiz lady!

That's
what I'm here for.

[ Muffled ]
Hey, while you're here,

do have any hacks for keeping
this

I'm gonna leave.
Now.

Bvp out.

Kevin: Close your laptop

and throw your smartphone
down a well.

Brooke: We're bringing
the Internet's

craziest hackers to your TV.
[ Modem beeping, buzzing ]

It's worldwide hacks.
[ Ta-da! ]

[ Mouse clicks ]

No one should spend time
on the Internet.

It's a cesspool
of reaction gifs,

cat photos, and other crap
my mom won't stop posting.

Which is why we're here,
to perform the public service

of trawling through the garbage
to find some brand-new hacks,

like this one
from a landlocked hacker

from Indianapolis,
Indiana.

So, what we are going
to do today is

we are gonna build
the best splash pad ever.

♪♪

See you guys!

Joining us now from Indianapolis
is Nathan levenhagen.

Hi!

Hello, there.

-Hello, hello!
-What's up, Nathan?

All right,
first thing's first --

Nathan, how old are you?

I'm 11 1/2.

Nathan, I think you're
officially our youngest hacker.

Well, that's great!

-Yeah, it is.
-Yeah, we love it.

You're already hacking
a whole bunch of crazy things.

What have you got
behind you?

This is the do-it-yourself
splash pad.

Next-generation fun
right here. Yeah!

What kind of activities do you
do you do in the splash pad?

Kids like
to splash around in it.

You can, like, put
an inflatable slide

and slide down it
into there.

As you can see,
I got a big backyard,

so I can run
all the way down there

and just skim across.

Can we see it?
Let's see it!

I hope this doesn't end up
on liveleak.

Like, I hope this is
something you post on YouTube.

I hope this isn't, like,
a fractured tailbone.

Oh, my, he's got
a running start.

That is a running start.
Oh, to be young. Oh, boy.

Whoa!

-Yes.
-Yeah!

All right, Nathan.
That was cool.

That was like some Marty mcfly
floating-skateboard stuff.

-[ Laughs ] Yes!
-I loved it!

How do I make one
in my backyard?

Basically,
you're gonna have to start out

with 14 pool noodles...

-Pool noodles.
-...Fat pool noodles,

not the little, skinny ones.

Then, you link them together
with the clothesline.

Then, you take the tarp,
put it on top of that.

And then, just stake the tarp
down all the way around.

And then,
just fill it up with water.

Nathan, how do you learn
how to hack and make things.

Do you read books
or do you watch YouTube videos?

Well, it's just in me.

I'm a creative guy,

and I can build stuff.

I love hacking!

Right on.

Well, Nathan, thank you so much
for hacking and keep cool.

-Yep, thank you.
-And we'll see you soon.

We're gonna come on down
and just crash

on the splash pad
for a couple weeks.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, maybe.

[ Both laugh ]
See you, guys.

It's a "maybe."
It's a "maybe."

It's like when I call
my parents and say,

"hey, can I come visit
for the holidays?"

-"Mm, maybe."
-"Maybe," yeah.

Ha!
Kevin: Watch your back hackers.

My lumbar!

Up next, we discover the
hackiest way to clear your lawn.

[ Laughs ]
Hacks, baby!

♪♪

Female announcer: The following
is a paid advertisement

for breeze blaster extreme.

How often has
this happened to you?

You part your car
on a sunny day,

and when you come back

the interior is hot enough
to fry an egg.

[ Woman shrieks,
dramatic tones play ]

Running the a.C. Can help,
but who's got time for that --

not to mention the strain
it puts on your car's battery.

Don't die on me,
you son of a bitch.

Sweat no more because
now there's a better way.

Introducing
breeze blaster extreme,

the easy-breezy way
to cool your car.

Here's how it works --

first, roll down
the passenger-side window.

Then, just open
the driver-side door

and slam it
back and forth a bunch.

Watch as breeze blaster's
patented cooling technology

pushes hot, stale air
out of your car

while pulling in fresh air
from outside.

It's like
your car's a night club

and you're the bouncer.

Sorry, only cool air allowed.
[ Laughs ]

Call in the next 20 minutes,
and you'll get

the breeze blaster extreme
absolutely free.

Better yet, don't call,

because if you have a car,
you already own one.

The breeze blaster extreme --

it's just a car window
and a door.

♪♪

[ Slump! ]

[ Slurp! Ahh! ]

[Sighs] Fall, it's one of
my favorite time of year. Kevin: [ Grunting ]

Pumpkin spice lattes,
chunky, cable-knit sweaters,

the lovely,
colorful foliage.

Oh, it's lies --
lies, lies, lies!

And today, we're gonna teach you
how to fight back

against mother nature's
seasonal vomit

with tools
that actually work!

This is hack vs. Hack.

[ Bell dings ]

Welcome to a lawn divided.

Today, we will wage a battle
to see whose leaf-blowing hack

is moreleaf-al.
[Lethal]

Our challenge is to scoop
as many leaves as we can

off of this here lawn
and put them

into these here bins using
the hacks that god gifted us.

What will you be using,
Ms. Brooke?

Well, Kevin,
I'll be kicking your ass

with an electric fan

and a really, really long
extension cord --

you know,
like a hacked leaf blower.

-Oh, sure, just like that.
-Just like it.

Well, while you're providing
a gentle breeze for your leaves,

I will be dominating you
with this.

It's a piece
of cardboard.

I don't know.

You're looking at it going,
"oh, it looks like

a piece of garbage,"
but actually

it's an upcylcled, bulldozing,
leaf-eating badass

that is gonna be powered
by my feet.

Well, kev, one man's trash is
another man's trash.

Okay.

I see a bloodbath
in your future.

[ Whip cracks ]

[ Whoosh! Whoosh! ]

3, 2, 1 -- go!

[ Grunting ]

Aha!

[ Laughs ]
Hacks, baby!

Hah! Yeah!

Just, uh...

Ohh-ho, mama!

Hah! Hah! Hah!

You know what? We're
just getting heated up here.

Okay.

One more here.
Let's go ahead and --

Brooke, my bin is pretty full.
You mind if I use yours?

Looks like you got
plenty of room.

Come on,
you [bleep] losers!

[Bleep] Damn it.
I don't lose these things.

Okay.

Maybe if I oscillate.

Here, let me just check
the setting on my cardboard.

-Shut up.
-Oh, wait, there are none.

I could really get used to
this whole season thing, Brooke.

Ohh, my lumbar!

[ Ding! ]

So, how are we gonna
do this, Brooke?

Because visually --
very close to call.

Brooke, I'm gonna speak
to my hack for a second.

The cardboard was free,
required zero power,

did a pretty good job
of cleaning up the leaves.

I mean,
my bin runneth over.

How was your hack?

I just spent a lot of
money on a fan that I ruined for next summer,

and, uh,
it didn't do Jack [bleep]

I think the clear winner of this
hack vs. Hack is cardboard.

[ Ding, ding!
Crowd cheering ]

I mean, no question.
Not even gonna fight you.

I'm gonna be a good loser.

Brooke, you're
a great loser.

Thank you.

-You're the best loser.
-Thank you!

Kevin: The hack mvp award --
a heisman for the household.

Today, we salute an item
that's in the middle

of every championship
celebration, the cork.

Throwing away your corks?

[ Buzzer ]
That's a fowl!

All it takes is one notch
in the top of a cork

to hack it into a chip clip.

Stale snacks are out of here!

Every athlete needs water,

but that h2o should be
hydrating you,

not your table.

So chop up a cork,
fire up the hot-glue gun,

and let those slivers form
a decorated defensive line

against water rings.

Whoo!

Kevin: Need a way
to keep track of your memos?

Cork's there with the assist.

Just cut some stoppers in half

and arrange artfully
atop an old window frame.

Looks like you just hacked
a bulletin board

to hang in your hall of fame.

Team coming over
for a post-game banquet?

Slice the top of a cork,
jot down your teammates' names,

and watch as that stopper
slides in safe under the tag.

Guess who's coming to dinner.
It's Michael.

So congratulations, cork.

You may be small,
but your hack game is huge,

and for that
we name you our hack mvp.

We're not calling it quits
yet, hackers.

Oh, hello?

Another successful hack
is calling.

I'm gonna hack your smartphone
when we return.

♪♪

Hey, friends,
welcome to let's make a thing,

where one man's trash is
another man's treasure.

Let's see what Mr. Box has
for us today.

[ Gasps ] Oh!
What a joy!

It's not even my birthday.
But what a thoughtful gift.

Because with these balloons,

I can hack together
a super-cool smartphone case.

All I need are some balloons
and a smartphone,

a 2x4, some horse glue,

a blowtorch, duct tape,
glitter, and thumbtacks.

Kidding -- I just need
a balloon and a smartphone.

Take your balloon.
Inflate said balloon.

♪♪

I love a good balloon knot,
but not today

because we need to slowly
let the air out of this thing

as we firmly press
our smartphone into the balloon.

Here we go!

All right, I'm gonna
slowly let the air out,

and as it gets near the bottom,
I'm gonna press even harder,

as you can see,
so the latex balloon starts

molding around it.

I'm gonna let it all out.

And look!
We made a thing!

Here we go.
There's your cellphone case.

Yeah, this looks ridiculous,
but this is gonna protect

your phone
from small scratches and dings

for a fraction of the price

as one of those
fancy store-bought ones.

Bonus hack -- you get
a super exclusive filter

whenever you try
to take a photo.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

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