All language subtitles for Hack My Life s03e02 Good Guys Finish First.eng

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed
to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks
make it worse,

stop what you're doing
immediately!

Narrator: On a brand-new season
of "Dr. Hack"...

Is there a doctor
in the house?

Yes -- me! Kitty foxwell,
expert veterinarian.

What seems to be
the problem?

It's my cat.

[ Meows ]

Hermione.

She's got...

Hair balls.

Sounds serious.

I'll have to give her
a thorough examination.

[ Yowls ]

Does it have to be
that thorough?

I'm a doctor, damn it.

I know what I'm doing.

[ Meows ]

Next time Hermione
grooms herself,

she'll lick off
the petroleum jelly.

[ Squishing ]

That lubrication
of the digestive tract

should keep hair balls from
coming out the wrong end.

Wait a minute.
Did you just...Hack my cat?

Mm.

Hacks are my thing.

Two can play that game.

[ Foxy music plays ]

You do like to play,
don't you?

Oh, I play.

Hard.

Meow.

Woof.

[ Growls ]

See who bites first
on the next "Dr. Hack."

Brooke: Tonight
on "hack my life"...

Kevin: Did you see that?

Prepare for take-off.

It's wheels up
for these flight attendants

as they take on hacks
for fixing busted bags.

Nope, nope.
Ooh, it's ugly. Oh, very ugly.

Kevin goes fishing for hacks
in a New York City sewer.

Oh! Oh! No!

Kevin: And find out which
of these whisking hacks

is the cream of the crop.

It [bleep] worked!

Open wide
for your daily dose

of time-saving tips
and trips.

I'm going to hack me
some of that.

This is "hack my life."

Well, hello, everyone,

and welcome to the first-ever
"hack my life" roller-bag derby.

[ All cheer ]

Today, we have three
flight attendants

who will have to navigate
a course that replicates

rushing through an airport
with a carry-on bag.

Indeed. However,
there is one catch --

every bag has a busted wheel.

-Oh.
-Oh.

This is a hack vs. Hack.
[ Bell dings ]

To help us determine
which broken-wheel hack

works the best,
we're joined by Sabrina,

Anderson, and Jeannie.

Here's the thing -- the axle
on every bag is intact and fine.

The only part that actually
broke was the wheel,

so that's what we're gonna
try to approximate

with these three hacks.

Hack number one --
duct tape.

Just cut it into strips
and wrap them around the axle

till you've made a wheel.

-This one's interesting.
-I didn't see this coming.

It's got a belt.

The hack here is to roll it up
and then tape the sides

to keep it from unraveling.

And, last but not least,

we took one of kev's
little toy cars.

Tie it to the axle
with some twine,

and you should be
good to go.

See all your wheels
turning, huh?

What are you all thinking?
Sabrina.

I think I want to
go with the car.

Really?

A little, cute, little car.
It has wheels, so...

Okay.
...Should be fine.

Kevin:
Anderson, what about you?

I'll take the duct tape.
Man, I'm from the hood.

We can make anything
with this duct tape.

[ Laughter ]

-All right.
-Last,

-but certainly not least...
-No.

Jeannie, what do you feel
about this belt?

Um, it's a little small,

but good things come in
small packages, you know?

Yes.

I have been saying that
since prom night.

[ Laughter ]
Shouting out.

All right, all right,
all right.

Oh, it looks like Jeannie's
wheel's coming along.

I guess you want
a nice, small, thin belt.

If you don't have that,

you could probably just cut up
one of your own belts.

Sure, or steal one
from a child.

Sabrina, how's it going
with the car and twine?

I think the best way
is to go with the twine

around the axle
and the frame of the car.

If this works, it's the most
adorable one, that's for sure.

It really is.

How are you doing with
your wheel there, Anderson?

Anderson:
Man, I'm doing pretty good.

You know,
got a little bit to go,

but, you know, I think it's
gonna be perfect once I'm done.

-Mm.
-How's it spinning?

-Yeah, give it a -- ooh.
-Oh, man.

-Uh-oh.
-Ooh!

Like a little
roller-blade wheel.

I think it's time
to compete.

♪♪

Good luck to all three
of you.

No biting, no kicking,

and keep the wheels down
the entire time.

Are you guys ready?

-Oh, yeah.
-Ready.

-Let's go.
-On your marks,

get set, roll!

[ Whistle blows ]

Everyone's off and running and
heading for the security line.

Brooke: [ Laughs ]

Okay, Anderson
just cuttin' them off.

Wait, wait, wait a minute!

Looks like the tape wheel's
not having any trouble

on those tight turns.

Okay, Jeannie's...

Ooh, ooh,
caught up on a cone.

...taking a cone out.

Let's go, let's go!

Next up for the attendants --
the parking lot.

And they are going --
oh, gravel!

Oh, through the gravel!
Just dragging it on through.

I don't think the toy car
held up with the gravel, though.

It looks a little loose.

Ooh, but that's not the case
for Anderson's tape wheel.

It's still going strong into the
concrete curb at the taxi stand.

-Whoa!
-Jeannie's not doing so great.

I really don't think
the wheel's rolling

so much as it's just
mushed up and dragging.

Yeah.

Anderson still in the lead.
Oh, oh.

He's heading for the pool
of milky,

dirty New York City water.
Right through the drink.

Jeannie's gonna need a massive
tail wind to catch up.

Wow! So close!

Anderson in first place,
Sabrina second...

By a hair. Oh.
Jeannie says, "out of my way."

And there we go.

Oh!

The bags are up,
and that's time.

That was fast.

That was a 25-second race,
guys.

Let's go down the line,

'cause everybody
completed the course. Sure.

Anderson,
how's your tape hack?

Is that still intact?

Yeah, it's still intact.

Good and sturdy, still.

Jeannie,
what about your belt?

[ Sighs ]

Oh, man.

It feels like
an optical illusion,

because your hand is
brushing by it,

but I do think that the belt
has ceased to roll.

Sabrina, you look like you had
a car accident over there.

Yeah.
It looks pretty brutal.

But it did work
through the race.

-It was an adorable idea.
-Still cute.

But I don't think
that's gonna

stand the test of time.
Still cute.

-Wow.
-Definitely not.

Everybody ran a great race, but
there is a winning hack today.

Anderson, congratulations
to you and the duct tape!

Whoo!

[ Bell dings ]

You're the champion
of this hack vs. Hack.

"Hack my life" would like to
present you with a neck pillow.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.
-Right?

Even smells good.
I like your perfume.

Oh. I'm not wearing any.

That could be me.
I'm sorry.

-Oh, this you?
-Yeah.

-[ Laughs ]
-Smelly boy.

[ Squish! ]

[ Slip! ]

[ Sloop! ]

[ Gulp! Twinkle! ]

[ Beep ]

Check. 2, 3, 4, 5.

Oh, no!
Dropped my keys in the sewer.

Nothing great about that.

That's why I got hidden cameras
everywhere, my friends.

We're gonna see if people
on the streets

can lend me a hack
and get these sewer keys back.

That is disgusting.

You guys know how to get keys
out of a sewer, by any chance?

Uh...
Nothing?

Sir? I got a problem.

Keys. Sewer.
See them there?

They're right there.

Got a tape measure on you?

Yeah. Okay.
I can go fishing with that.

[ Bugle plays fanfare ]

You want to guide me on in?
Teamwork makes the dream work.

Okay, here we go.
Here we go.

-Oh! Oh! Oh!
-All right.

-Oh, they're moving.
-Pull it up.

Ohh.
They're so precarious.

-Easy.
-Yeah.

Oh! Oh! No!

Nooo!

[ Groans ]

Yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

Sewer keys.
I got keys in a sewer, people.

Miss? Sorry to bother.

Do you --
I-I got keys in a sewer.

Oh.

I could try this thing.

[ Chuckles ]
A soda tab?

Yeah.

Sure.

I feel like you need
a string.

I don't know if I --
I could rip out a shoelace.

[ Bugle blows ]

Put the narrow end
of the key in here.

Like, the bottom end.

All right, here we go.

Just sewer fishing.

If I catch anything,
you're welcome to eat it.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my.

Oh, it's close.

[ Groans ]

Ooh.

-Oh.
-Ohh.

Yeah, it's just not
catching, is it?

Ugh!
Well, thank you, though.

Ugh!
Well, thank you, though.

You don't happen to have
anything that can get keys

out of a sewer, do you?

If you can find a dry cleaner
around here.

Like that dude
right there, maybe? Yeah.

Sir? C-Can I bother
you for a second?

I've got an issue, and you might
have a solution right there.

I got my keys in the sewer.

And so far, everybody
that's come by has been like,

"oh, just get a hanger."

I don't have a hanger...
But you do.

[ Bugle blows ]

Okay.

Untwist it.

Okay.

I made a car antenna
once out of one of these.

Oh.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

-Oh.
-Oh, that's it.

That is so it.

I don't want to make it
worse than --

no, no, you got it.
This is gonna work!

Easy does it.
Easy does it.

Ha ha ha!

Oh!

[ Ding! ]

Thank you.
You made my day.

Hey, just hold onto
your keys.

They're here, man.
They're here.

-They're not going anywhere.
-Hold on to 'em.

Keys are through the grate.
Isn't that great?

[ Laughs ]
Whoops.

Let's whip it.

Loosen up those wrists,
hackers.

We're about to figure out
the fastest way

to whip cream
in hack mail.

Brooke: Plus, Kevin tests
a haggling hack

in gaming the system.

Is there a discount
for puns?

Will he wind up laughing
all the way to the bank?

Find out when the hack
comes back.

[ Pinging ]

♪♪

Narrator: The claws come out
on the next "Dr. Hack."

[ Siren wails ]

What are you doing here,
Dr. Hack?

I can't stop thinking
about you.

I've never been
out-hacked before,

especially not
by some animal quack.

My patients may be cuddlier
than yours,

but that doesn't make me
any less of a doctor.

I'll have you know,
I cuddle with all my patients.

What happened to your hand?

Some cat in the waiting room
took a swipe at me.

[ Cat meows ]
Let me take a look.

[ Foxy music plays ]

Mild bleeding.
No wedding ring.

Is that a proposal?

I propose you make me
the happiest woman on earth...

And put this tea bag
on the scratch.

[ Groans ]
Feels better already.

That's because the tannins
in the tea restrict the flow

of blood to the finger and speed
up the healing process.

It even works on bruises!

Does it also work
on hickeys?

Dr. Foxwell, there's an
emergency in the waiting room!

An emergency.

Let's go.

Narrator: To be continued
on the next "Dr. Hack."

Hey, Brooke,
how's it going?

Not good. I can't get
this cream to whip.

Yeah, you've been doing that
for like 15 minutes.

Yeah, I know.
My arm's killing me.

Why don't we put the bowl down
and put the fork down,

and let's back away.

We're gonna get
through this...

In this week's
hack mail.

Today, my hypoglycemic friend
and I are going to test

your hacks for whipping cream
when you don't have a mixer.

Now, the hack that gives us
the stiffest peaks

with the least amount
of effort will be awarded

a highly caloric...
[ Clears throat ]

-Hack seal of approval.
-Hack seal of approval.

Okay, here we go.

Our first hack comes to us

from Scott in Columbus, Ohio.
Scott writes...

Ooh.

Take that
to "shark tank."

All right.

We got three forks attached to
a chopstick with a rubber band.

It looks pretty sturdy.

Let's whip some cream.

Here we go. You just
got to get a lot of air.

You got to lift
and get a lot of air.

That's what helps it
emulsify, right?

Exactly. Mm-hmm.

Air supports the fat
in the cream.

[ Grunts ]

But I think it's thickening
a little bit.

I've got a stick whisk
of my own that I brought.

Oh, okay.
Do you want to get in there?

Pop in there, I can just...
I'll give you the --

this is the industrial-mixer
version.

Look at that.

Way to go.

Well, here we go.
Moment of truth.

And it's a glaze.

That's a soup.

Okay. All right.

Hack number two comes from
James in New York City.

Mmm!

Well, I know someone who
can pump for 90 seconds.

Yeah.

Okay.

Keep pumping, chump.

I need you -- could you
not look at it

and just look at me,
please?

Directly in my eyes.

[ Pumping accelerates ]

[ Funky music plays ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckles ]

Gunh!

Kev, it looks
really stiff.

Oh. Hey, what do you know --

the French-press hack
looks pretty good.

Look at that. It's not even
moving around in there.

There wasn't really
a whole lot to this hack.

It was kind of hard
to mess up.

Throw some cream in a French
press and go to town.

Just go to town, yeah.

Peak test -- go!

Ooh.

All right, that's --
it's better.

Here we go. Our third
and final hack comes to us

from Wendy in Jacksonville,
Florida.

Okay.

Now, this aerator here --

I didn't even know
these came off.

They do.

And to create more air
as we shake it,

I'm just gonna drop it...

[ Clink ]

...Whoo, right in here.

Well, that's enough.
Say when.

And then you're gonna take
just a pint glass,

to serve as your lid.
Put it in at an angle and --

on you.

Okay, sure.
Yeah, I bartended.

Let's go.
Let's get this started.

I'm just gonna...
Okay, where we at?

Has it been 30 seconds?

It's been like 3, Brooke.
It's been about 3 seconds.

Okay.

This sucks.

You got this.
You got this, Brooke.

Come on.

Channel your inner
Tom Cruise.

Yeah.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Sighs ] Okay.

I think that was
30 seconds, right?

You think that was 30?

Well, get in there with a spoon.
Let's see.

Moment of truth, everybody.

Ready?

Yeah!

Here we go.

Boom!

What?! That is some
legit whipped cream.

-Brooke!
-It worked!

[ Laughing ]

It [bleep] worked!

Oh, it's so good!
It's so good!

And that took
the least amount of time.

Whoo!

Sorry, to our other hacksters,
but, Wendy,

you and
your cocktail-whipped-cream hack

get our...

-Hack seal of approval.
-Hack seal of approval.

[ Hiss! ]

[ Creak! ]

[ Twinkle! ]

[ Bubbling ]

[ Pop! ]

It's time to take
your daily dose of hacks

in today's pop quiz.

Oh. This is just impossible.

Stevie, have you seen
my pill cutter?

I can't get this broken
in half.

[ Pop! ]

Don't fret, gram gram.

I know a hack to slice
those pills in two.

It's time for a pop quiz.

[ Fanfare plays ]

Ooh, I love quizzes
and puzzles.

[ Pop! ]

To cut that big old pill,
should you use,

"a," a credit card,
"b," an elastic band,

or, "c," a pair of doggie
nail clippers?

[ Squeak! ]

Well, since I only use
my credit card for emergencies,

and this is an emergency,

I'm going to pick "a,"
the credit card.

[ Buzzer ]

So close.

But the answer is actually
"c," the doggie nail clippers.

The round shape of the clippers
are the perfect size

to wrap around a pill.

Just dust them off...

[ Blows ]

...place the pill
in the clippers,

and slice right down
the middle.

Well, would you look
at that.

It works like a charm!

Like a hot knife
through butter.

Oh, butter.
You know, that reminds me.

It was 1934...

[ Pop! ]

Actually, uh, I got to
get going, granny,

but it was wonderful
chatting with you.

...some people
didn't even have food.

Oh, no.
My bubble's floating away.

And they would come to buy
these cookies.

See you next time on pop quiz.

It's amazing.
He was an amazing baker.

Up next...
Quit flushing your money away.

We show you how to save big
on your next renovation

by gaming the system.

You're a good guy,
I'm a good guy.

How about
a good-guy discount?

Kevin: Plus, the hangover cures
big sobriety

doesn't want you
to know about

when the hack bounces back.

[ Retches ]

[ Pinging ]

♪♪

Narrator: On the thrilling
conclusion of "Dr. Hack"...

[ Groans ]

What the hell happened?

My dog went on the floor,

and then I slipped in it
and sprained my ankle.

-I know what to do.
-I know what to do.

Get me the baking soda from
the break-room fridge.

And I need a cabbage
from the crisper.

You guys make a good team.
How long have you been together?

-Oh, we're not.
-Oh, we're not.

So it's one of those
will-they-or-won't-they

sort of things?

Well...

We don't have time
for this nonsense.

I'm gonna sprinkle
the baking soda on the floor

to soak up the urine
and the smell.

And I'm going to hack a compress
out of the cabbage leaves.

Leaves, stat!
[ Snap! ]

They contain an
anti-inflammatory compound

that should reduce swelling.

[ Grunts ]

I can walk again.

Good.

Now walk on out
of here, pal.

Dr. Hack and I have important
business to attend to.

Right this way.

We do?
Yes.

[ Door closes ]

Meet me in my office --

and bring the cabbage.

There's gonna be lots
of swelling to reduce

by time I'm done with you.

[ Funky music plays ]

Narrator: "Dr. Hack" --
he's turning over a new leaf.

The price of retail goods is
marked up by an average of 50%,

which basically means the last
time you bought something,

you probably paid too much.

Well, not anymore, my friends.

Today, the good guys
are fighting back.

It's time to game the system.

Today's hack
is the good-guy discount,

which basically means
if the salesperson

believes you're a good guy,

that might knock a couple bucks
off the total price.

Yeah, it's that simple.

Today's Mark
is a hardware store.

So, let's see if we can
save a couple dollars.

To test this hack,

I'm gonna pose as a homeowner
who's remodeling his bathroom.

My goal is to get the
salesperson to warm up to me

with some small talk and charm,

and then I'm gonna ask
for a good-guy discount

on my purchase.

And what, pray tell,
shall I be buying today?

One of these bad boys.

Pardon me, sir.

Hi. How can I help
you today?

Well, I'm doing
some remodeling.

Okay.

I don't know squat about
toilets. [Chuckles]

No pun intended.
[ Chuckles ] No, it was intended.

But I do know nothing
about toilets,

and I need one,
so I'm hoping you can help me.

Okay.

I didn't introduce myself,
I'm sorry. I'm Kevin.

Rudy.
Rudy. Pleasure to meet you, Rudy.

Absolutely.

This one here
is American standard.

They look fairly similar,

but this one looks a little
bit lower than the other guy.

Am I crazy?

It is.
It's 14 inches.

That's why we call it
the "low rider."

Okay.

And this is the standard
17 inches.

So, like, let's say I went
with this guy --

this is about as standard
as it gets, right?

Well, try it out.
Yeah? Okay.

I mean, I know with cars
you kick the tires,

but these guys,
you know...

[ Laughs ]
See if it's comfortable. Okay.

I actually use --
oh, okay.

Well, Kevin,
this unit is $299.

You're [bleep] me, Rudy.

[ Chuckles ]

$299?

Uh, yeah. It --
it is $299.

Ooh.

But it's a fantastic model.

I knew it'd be
a little pricy.

That's a little outside
of the range

that I wanted to be in,
unfortunately. Uh...

It's actually a good price.

I'm sure it is,
but, unfortunately,

it's a little outside
of where I wanted to be.

Now, listen, you're a good guy,
I'm a good guy.

How about
a good-guy discount?

What's a good-guy discount?

[ Chuckles ]

It's a thing where,
you know, you're a good guy

and I'm a good guy, so you go,
"hey, let me see what I can do,"

or maybe you have, like, a --
I don't know, like,

an employee discount
or something you could do?

Give me a minute,
all right?

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Rudy.
Appreciate it.

[ Sighs ]

Okay. [ Sighs ]

We don't have
a good-guy discount.

But I can give you
an open-box discount,

which means I can give you
a new unit

for the floor-model
display price.

Okay.

That's 20% off.

That's fantastic.
What is that?

Comes out to $239
plus tax.

I appreciate that.
Let's do it.

Ring me up.
Let's do it.

Okay, come on.

[ Ding! ]

Ha ha ha! The good-guy
discount -- it works!

It's a thing.

And not because you used
those magical words,

but because people are people.

So, if you're nice
and remember their name

and establish a rapport,
and want to save a couple bucks,

it never hurts to ask.

[ Snaps fingers ]
That's how you game the system.

♪♪

Kevin: Close your laptop

and throw your smartphone
down a well.

We're bringing the Internet's
craziest hackers to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

[ Windows fanfare ]
[ Click! ]

Welcome to worldwide hacks --
a veritable show-and-tell

of the best hacks
the Internet has to offer.

Today's hack comes from
a Florida urologist

who puts an interesting spin
on the 7-iron.

Announcer:
Introducing the uroclub.

It looks like
an ordinary golf club,

but contains a reservoir
built into the grip

to relieve yourself.

The uroclub comes with a towel,

and appears that you are
just checking out your club.

Kevin: Coming to us now
via Skype,

the man behind this crazy hack,
it's Dr. Floyd seskin.

Dr. Seskin, I want to
thank you so much

for joining us on the show.

So, you essentially
hacked a mobile urinal.

Right.
that's what it is.

Where did you come up with
this magnificent idea?

I'm a urologist.
[ Click! ]

Several years ago,
I was sitting with a patient

after I had operated
on his prostate.

Before the surgery,
he would intentionally

slice his ball into the woods

just so he could
relieve himself.

And that's when it hit me.

Announcer:
Order now -- the uroclub,

the only club in your bag

guaranteed to keep you
out of the woods.

Does anyone use this
as like a putter,

you know, at the same time?

Well, it's a 7-iron,

because I needed to
get something

that wouldn't stand out,

and I would get about 500cc
of volume in the handle.

That's about
the average bladder load?

Yeah, I would say so.

Does this look healthy to
you, because I don't --

Kevin.
Kevin [bleep] Damn.

Drink some water.
Yeah.

Well, the demo on this one
should be self-explanatory,

but just for the folks
at home...

You know, you'd have your
privacy towel on, of course.

Then you just
pour one out for the homies.

Whoo!
Makes me got to go.

[ Click! ]

You have a pretty good stream,
I might add.

Thank you. Normally, this
costs 20 tokens on a webcam,

but I'm doing it
for free, doc.

And there we go.
Not a problem.

Hey.

This seal should be secure
enough that I could

turn this golf club
upside down...

I certainly hope so.
...I'm not gonna get any leakage?

Okay, and...

[ Drum roll ]

You're good.

Yay!

Oh, it's good, doc!
It's so good!

Congrats to you
and your pipe fitter.

Dr. Seskin, thank you so much
for creating the uroclub

and sharing your hacks
with us.

Bye.

[ Click! ]

[ Retches ]

Hang in there, people.
Go ahead and make it a double.

Hacks to heal your hangover
when we return.

[ Pinging ]

♪♪

Kevin: There are two types
of people in this world --

those who embrace hacks
and those who reject them.

[ Sniffles ]

Brooke: To see which type
gets better results,

we're going to do
a side-by-side comparison

in hacker vs. Slacker.

[ Snoring ]

Hacker Sam and slacker Sam

both went to
a bachelorette party last night.

[ Alarm beeps,
rooster crows ]

But slacker Sam wakes up
feeling like there's

a rabid badger
in her stomach.

That's because she ended
the evening with pizza in bed.

Those olives
and extra garlic

sure tasted better
six hours ago.

[ Retches ]

[ Bell dings ]

Hacker Sam, meanwhile,
wakes up with pep in her step...

[ Birds chirping,
harp strums ]

...and detoxifying vitamin d
in her system

because she munched on
whole-grain toast before bed.

Good call, hacker Sam.

Time to hit the bathroom.

Slacker Sam starts her morning
routine with a cup of Joe.

Too bad coffee
is a diuretic

that will drain
her already-depleted system

of nutrients.

And, contrary
to popular belief,

a cold shower won't
help her wake up.

It only provides a temporary
jolt of adrenaline.

[ Woman screams ]

[ Bang! ]

Hacker Sam, on the other hand,
cranks up the hot water

to hack her shower
into a personal sauna.

Getting toxins out of her system
will be no sweat.

Plus, as she steams,
she sips on tomato juice,

which is loaded with lycopene,
to reduce inflammation.

Tomato, to-mah-to.

Anyway you slice it,
it's a great hack.

Slacker Sam's headache
just won't quit,

so she makes a lunch date
with the couch

and a bag of frozen peas.

[ Moans ]

Looks like this slacker
is down for the count.

But hacker Sam is ready to
rise up and meet the day.

Before heading out,
she does a quick headstand

to stimulate her nervous system
and increase mental alertness.

Now, that's using
the old noggin.

Don't be like slacker Sam.

Be like hacker Sam and start
hacking your life today.

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