All language subtitles for Hack My Life s03e01 Hacky Holidays.eng

The holidays tend to be our
busiest time of the year.

Yep, people wait
till the last minute

to decorate
or wrap presents,

and then something
goes wrong.

And that's
when they call us.

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

Go, go, go, go!

♪♪

Oh, I-I don't know
what happened.

I spent an hour
stringing up lights on the tree,

and then,
they just stop working.

You guys got to do
something.

I'm just gonna
need you to relax,

and we'll take it
from here.

Oh, no.

I mean, look at it.
Look at it!

What'd I say
about relaxing?

All yours.

All right, let's see.

[ Gasping ] There it is.

Look at that.
Found the perp.

Let me see there.

Oh, yeah, still warm.

All right,
you cut the power? Mm-hmm.

I got
the aluminum foil. On it.

Sir,
next time this happens,

I want you to take a piece
of aluminum foil like this. Man: Huh?

We're gonna roll this up,

and we're gonna stuff that

right into
the electrical socket,

and that's gonna
complete your circuit

and get power flowing right back
to the rest of the line.

See that?
Plug's in place!

Everybody clear!
Clear!

[ Gasps ]

You saved my tree!

Just doing our jobs.

[ Woman screams
in distance ]

Oh my god,
that sounded like my wife.

Let's roll.
Go, go, go, go!

Oh, my god,
what happened?

Kevin: Tonight...

All: Hacky holidays!

Kill me.

...your holidays
are about to get hacked.

Both: Santa!

Brooke: Kevin turns old junk
into new year's decorations.

[ Snap! ]

Kevin:
Brooke's holiday helper

goes to town
on candy cane hacks.

Have you ever had
minty meat before?

[ Audience exclaiming ]

Plus, your hacks
for keeping calm --

get the ultimate stress test

as we relive
our worst holiday memories.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong withyou?

Brooke: It's the most wonderful
time of the year.

Everybody ready?

Kevin:
This is "hack my life."

Welcome, everyone.

It's our holiday
hack-stravaganza,

and I'm celebrating
the only way I know how --

by some good, old-fashioned
nut hackin'.

[ Bell dings ]
This is hack vs. Hack.

Today, we have
three very different hacks

for cracking your way
inside of a walnut

without a nutcracker.

I'm joined
by three friends.

I've got Kelly, Grant,
and Patrick here,

and the three of them
are nuts about nuts, yes?

-Very true.
-Correct.

-Very much so.
-Good.

Ready to meet
your hacks?

Ready.

Here are your hacks!

Mm-hmm. Yep.
[ Exhales sharply ]

So, we've got
the trusty hammer,

got a screwdriver,

or you can take
a second walnut,

place them seam to seam,

give them a squeeze
using it's own shell against it.

And...

All: Oh!

Patrick,
which hack would you like?

I think I feel
most comfortable with

the screwdriver.

Here you go, sir.
Your hack. Ooh, thank you.

Grant?

You know, I think
I'm a nut to nut guy.

So, you don't need
anything.

You have everything.

I have everything I need
right here.

You got
some powerful hands.

That means, Kelly...

I get the pink,
powerful hammer.

Here's how the contest
is going to work.

You're each gonna have
60 seconds

to hack into as many walnuts
as you can.

We're gonna weigh the nutmeat
at the end.

Person with the largest amount
is the winner.

Pretty simple.

However,
shells are not going to count.

Very important.

If I see shells in there,
there will be hell to pay.

60 seconds on the clock.

Ready?

Three...

Two...

Hack!

♪♪

That's the way.
The hammer's getting in.

I already see the hammer
cracked open.

Oh, Grant got one.

Grant: I totally got this,
I think.

Interesting technique -

he's keeping one walnut
in his hand,

replacing the second nut
with each go.

Patrick's getting in there.

Patrick: I like how easily
that lifts and separates.

Kelly's hammer is making shells
fly everywhere.

She's getting through
a lot of walnuts.

Grant looks like he's
searching for a decoder ring.

Why won't this open?

Is fatigue
becoming an issue here?

I'm a little dizzy,
but I'm gonna get --

actually,
I just need some protein.

Oh, there you go.

Patrick's screwdriver hack
is really pulling double duty.

He's able to pop open the shell
with no problem.

And then he scoops it out
nice and quick.

15 seconds!

Come on, guys!

Nut up!

Grant:
There literally -- Kelly: Aah!

There's so many nuts!

Don't crack
under the pressure!

Final walnuts, guys,
come on.

Five...
No! Aah!

Four...
No!

Three...

Two...

One, that's time!

That is time, hands up.

Hands up.

Friends, it's time
for the moment of truth.

Let's find out who got
the most walnut meat.

Grant, why don't you
hand me your bowl.

Thanks, buddy.

Definitely see
some good, intact nuts.

Good job with that.
Hand method seemed to work.

I wonder what this guy
is here, though.

Grant: It's a flake.

No, that's a joke.
Kelly: That's definitely a shell.

Kevin:
That's a foul, is what it is. Let's get it out of there.

And...

1 ounce on the button.

Good job, Grant.
[ Grunts ]

Very good. Very good.

Patrick, your actual nuts
are pretty intact. Patrick: Mm-hmm.

You think you're gonna beat
Grant's one ounce?

I'm confident I will.

Let's find out.

♪♪

Handily.
1.3 ounces of nut meat!

Kelly: Whoo.
Thank you.

Kevin: Kelly, do you believe
that this bowl

represents more than 1.3 ounces
of delicious walnut meat?

Yeah.

Here we go,
moment of truth.

Is it 1.3 ounces or more?

Come on, hammer!

♪♪

2 ounces of nutmeat!
Oh!

No!
2 whole ounces!

Kelly, that means, not only
do you get bragging rights,

but you're going home
with the golden nutcracker.

There you go.

Hey, nutcracker,
how do you feel?

[ As nutcracker ] So good.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

Kevin: The ball drop --
shiny symbol of the new year,

and spherical reminder
to make resolutions.

But did you know
the ball drop tradition

is only possible
thanks to a hack from history?

Portsmouth, england. 1829.

British sailing ships

navigate using timepieces
called chronometers.

Only each ship calibrates
it's own chronometer,

leading to catastrophe.

So, captain Robert wauchope
of the royal Navy

hacked some scrap metal
into a giant sphere,

and hoisted it
on top of a flagpole.

I call it the "time ball".

By lowering the ball every day
at exactly 1:00 P.M.,

he makes sure
that every ship in the harbor

can set their chronometer
at the same time.

Flash forward to
New York City. 1907.

New York times
Adolf ochs

is preparing the company's

annual new year's
fireworks display,

when his paper
breaks a huge story.

Needing something
to set off at midnight,

ochs bought the timeball
and inspiration strikes.

My resolution is to stop
stealing ideas,

on January 2nd.

He has a timeball built
atop the times building,

and in a stroke of brilliance,
festooned it with light bulbs

so it can be seen at night.

The crowd loves it,
and a tradition is born.

This is way more fun
than fireworks.

So here's to you,
new year's ball drop.

To this day,
you remain the only good reason

to hang out in Times Square,

and a hack from history.

Brooke: Coming up,
me and Tom scharpling

make peppermint candy powder,

or as we like to call it, pcp.

What do you think
the street value on this is?

Well, we can find out.

Kevin: Plus, take your
office holiday party

from failure to festive.

Hacks for having a cool yule
in the workplace when we return.

♪♪

Narrator:
We now return to "hack 911."

[ Woman screaming
in distance ]

Oh, that sounded
like my wife.

-Let's roll!
-Go, go, go, go!

Karen, what happened?

It was like an avalanche.

I went to reach for
one wrapping paper roll,

but they all
started falling.

I feel so cold.

Pulse is normal.
No visible signs of paper cuts.

How's it looking in there,
Mac?

It's all clear.

You got eyes on
a garment bag, by any chance?

Uh-huh, bingo.

All right, Karen,

now I'm gonna need you
to stay calm for me, okay?

What we're gonna do is

put these wrapping paper rolls
in the garment bag.

It's a great way
to keep your rolls organized,

and it will prevent something
like this from happening again.

That's it.

Now, Karen, I want you
to give your toe

just a little wiggle
for me.

My legs!
I can feel them!

♪♪

All right, you're okay.
Oh, thank god.

It's a Christmas miracle.

[ Man groaning
in distance ] What was that?

Mac: Is there somebody else
in the house?

♪♪

♪♪

[ Crash! ]

The holidays are over,

and all you've got
left to show for it

is an empty bank account

and a ton of
leftover candy canes.

[ Audience booing ]

Luckily,
I've got a hack

to turn
that peppermint surplus

into the gift
that keeps on giving.

And here today to help me
is my friend

Mr. Tom scharpling.

Hi.
Hey.

Thanks for joining us
in the lazy cook kitchen.

Thanks for having me
in the lazy cook kitchen.

So, Tom, do you cook?

I get impatient
at a drive-thru,

let alone in a kitchen
trying to actually make stuff.

I've got a hack
that I know you can handle.

We are going to take
candy canes,

put them
into a pepper grinder,

and make
delicious peppermint dust.

[ Audience exclaiming ]

My lovely sous chef
over here

already prepped
some candy canes.

I'm gonna give you
a tenderizer. Oh!

I'm gonna use
a rolling pin.

Shall we bash?

Yeah.

♪♪

Yeah!
Mm.

Whoo!

Street value on this is --
huh.

Now that we've got
our grinders assembled,

I've got some cupcakes.

[ Gasps ]

They're so boring.

One, two, three.

It's raining peppermint.

It is raining peppermint.

So minty.

These are adorable,
don't you think? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

No, no, no.

Next, we're going to use
the peppermint dust

to spice up
some savory, salty bacon.

So, to get started
I've got four ingredients --

a pinch of black pepper,
garlic powder, cayenne pepper,

and once again,
peppermint dust.

Essentially, we're gonna make
a sweet and salty bacon rub.

What do you think?

If you're gonna let your
freak flag fly and eat that,

more power to you.

I'm gonna stick
with the cupcakes. Okay.

Now,
if you would do the honor

of just sprinkling the rub
down each strip of bacon.

Ooh.

I like what you're doing,
Tom.

So, have you ever had
minty meat before?

[ Audience exclaiming ]

Sure.

It's not my first time
eating some minty meat.

[ Laughter ]

So, our bacon
is completely covered.

It looks amazing,

and I'm gonna pop it
in the oven.

You just stand there
and look pretty, okay? Okay.

[ '80s funk music plays ]

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ yeah ♪

[ Record scratches ]

And we already
have some done.

[ Audience "oohs" ]

Come on, candy bacon?
What's better than that?

Nothing, I say.

Tom, you've been
such a great help.

I've made us this
peppermint candy cane vodka.

Thank you.

Cheers to you, Tom.
Cheers to you.

Hacky holidays, everybody.

Hacky holidays.

Mm-hmm.

Visions of fairies
dancing through your head?

Yeah, I'm allergic
to peppermint.

♪♪

Kevin:
Sometimes, ordinary people do extraordinary things

all in the name of hacking.

People like knoll.

He's the chair of his office's
party planning committee.

This year,
Gina grincherson in accounting

shrunk the holiday party budget
three sizes smaller.

Knoll's not worried, though.

He'll find a way
to throw a cool yuletide bash,

because he's a hack hero.

Step one --
giving the conference room

a festive makeover.

Too bad Gina spent the money
earmarked for decorations

on boring office supplies.

But knoll knows how to stick it
to her with memo pads.

Using post-its like pixels,

he creates a low-fi fresco of
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

Now, that's a bright idea.

[ Twinkle! ]

Though knoll
is crazy for Christmas,

he makes sure other faiths
are represented, too.

By slicing four limes

from the company kitchen
in half,

he hacks the base of
a citrus-themed menorah.

Blowing money on memo pads

isn't the end of
Ms. Grincherson's humbuggery.

[ Audience booing ]

She also
nicks the good stuff

in favor of
bargain basement booze.

Good thing knoll is here

to put some pep
in everyone's step.

Peppermint, that is.

By soaking the breath mints
from reception in vodka,

he turns that rotgut hooch

into a Christmas-infused
cocktail.

Eat, drink,
and be very merry.

The party is poppin',

but knoll wants everyone
to get into the spirit.

So he combines leaves
from a plant at his desk

with cotton balls
from the office bathroom

to make mistletoe.

Will it be enough
to warm Gina's frosty heart?

Close enough.

Way to go, knoll!

You truly are
a holiday hack hero.

Brooke: Up next, resolve to be
more creative in the new year.

Let's make a thing.

Brooke:
Kevin teaches you how to hack your own confetti poppers.

Kevin: Plus, holidays
got you wrapped tight?

Oh, fudge.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Bleep ]

Hacks for reducing stress,

when the hack comes
bouncing the [bleep] back.

Narrator: We now return
for the Holly jolly conclusion

of "hack 911."

Both: Santa!

Ho, ho, oh my stomach!

[ Groans ]

Oh, no.
Talk to me, St. Nick.

Tell me
what's going on here.

I can't stop eating
cookies and milk.

Only,
I'm lactose intolerant.

Oh, yeah, his belly's shaking
like a bowl full of jelly,

and it's not 'cause
of the holiday cheer.

All right, Santa,
I'm gonna need you

to open your mouth
and say, "ahh."

Ahh.
Ahh...perfect.

All right, now, go ahead
and suck on that for me.

A candy cane?

But why?

Well, peppermint.

It helps the stomach muscles
to relax.

That's gonna get the fats
that break down acids flowin'.

Ho! Ho!

I'm starting to feel like
a right jolly elf again!

Now, why don't
you sit on Santa's lap

and tell me what
you'd like me to bring you?

Yeah, I'm Jewish.

And I'm a grown-up,
so I can't.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey friends,
welcome to let's make a thing,

where one man's trash
is another man's treasure.

Let's see what Santa
left for us this year.

Ha! Ho!

Toilet paper rolls.

And I don't know about you,

but when I think of a toilet,
I think of a party.

So let's hack these bad boys
into something useful and fun,

like confetti poppers
to ring in the new year.

Here's what we're gonna need.

We need some
curling ribbon or string,

tissue paper,
and some cracker snaps.

They sound like
a gluten-free treat,

but really they just do this.

[ Snaps loudly ]

Now, what you're gonna
want to do is

cut a nice little slit
into the roll --

not all the way through,
but about halfway or so.

So, this little slit

is where all the confetti's
gonna burst forth

like an alien
from a chest cavity,

but more festive.

Next, I'm cutting
a 7x7 piece of tissue paper.

Next up, I'm gonna take
my cracker snap

and put it on my tissue paper,

then take take the slit
from the toilet paper roll

and affix it right on top
of that cracker snap,

and I'm gonna roll it up.

So, here's where
the tissue paper is overlapping.

I want to secure it.

Now, you could use a glue stick,

you could use a piece of tape --

however you want.

The whole point, though, is

to make sure that
the tissue paper stays together

and doesn't pop open
prematurely,

'cause that can be
embarrassing.

So, now we got to fill it
with confetti.

Let's fill her up.

♪♪

Look at this.

I'm throwing my own
mini-celebration.

Yay!

So, now we need to secure
the ends of our confetti popper

with some string.

I want to make sure this thing
is nice and secure.

Mmm!

Does this look like
a new year?

Sure does, huh?

Congratulations.

It's time to call out
all your friends.

You just made a thing.

And I know Brooke
really wanted to be here,

but she said no.

[ Clears throat ]

Everybody ready?

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

Hacky new year!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, wow!

Well, best party ever, huh?

Kevin:
Close your laptop and throw your smartphone down a well.

Brooke:
We're bringing the Internet's craziest hackers to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

Welcome everyone
to worldwide hacks,

your number one source

for all the stuff
we can't believe exists.

This week's hack
comes just in time

for the hell
of holiday travel.

It's a pillow you wear
on your face.

It's the ostrich pillow.

Man: This is Ken, dreaming away
with his ostrich pillow,

a perfect companion
to nap pretty much anywhere,

be it for
an express power nap at work

or for a good snooze
on a long-distance journey.

Joining us now, the co-creator
of the ostrich pillow.

It's Ali ganjavian.

Pleasure to have you here,
Ali.

Ali:Hey, guys,
thank you for having me.

How does this improve
upon a regular pillow?

The way we decided
to hack power napping

was basically to say,

"let's just create a product
that you can just

slip over your head
and sleep at your desk."

We had, I think,
32 different designs.

We decided on this option,
because we thought

it was actually
the most comfortable one.

I'll see you
on the other side. Okay.

You look like
a "star wars" character.

I would say you look
pretty good right now.

I feel really good.

Oh, these are
for my hands to go into? Exactly.

It's for your hands to go into,
so you can --

this typical gesture
of sleeping at your table

at work or at school.

There you go.

[ Soft music plays ]

Well, he's out,
so it's just you and me.

Let's talk.

It's that
special time of year

that involves a lot
of hellish holiday travel.

You're stranded in a car.

You're stranded on trains.

You're stuck in the airport.

This seems like
an amazing solution.

Airports can be
such busy places. Yeah.

Just popping that
on your head,

it can increase
that sense of coziness.

You know, like,
when you put a hoodie on,

and you feel like, "ahh,"
it's the same principle.

Absolutely.

I mean, I feel like with
the stress of the holidays, too,

say you're having dinner
with everybody

and your racist uncle
is going off like usual,

I think I might pop one of these
right on my head,

drown him out.

I legit
started to fall asleep.

I'm happy to hear that.

Yeah, me too, man.
I'm happy to have it.

I mean, I think you've
successfully hacked a nap.

So congratulations.

It's so nice
to meet you, Ali.

Thank you for having me
on the show, guys.

Yeah, Ali,
I'm not gonna say goodbye,

but I will say,
"goodnight, sir."

Good night.
Oh!

Good night!

Good night!

Brooke:
Let it all out, hackers.

[ Squealing sound ]
Oh, yeah!

This is what it sounds like
in my soul.

We test your hacks
for deflating holiday stress

when "hack my life"
returns.

♪♪

From arguing with family
at Thanksgiving

to making out with strangers
on new year's Eve,

the holidays are
a five-and-a-half-week gauntlet

of stressful
social interaction.

That's why we are trying out
your hacks for diffusing stress

in today's hack mail.

All right, friends, here's how
this is going to work.

Brooke and I
will each relive

a terrible, horrible
holiday memory.

The one that just fills you
with so much stress

you want to burst.

And the hack
that does the best job

of relieving that stress

will win our
hack seal of approval.

Hack number one comes to us

from Ronnie
in Toms river, New Jersey.

He says...

Blowing into a balloon.

Let's conjure up
a stressful memory.

Sure.

I have a father,
and he loves to drive.

But in his old age,
he's having some afflictions

like loss of hearing,
loss of eyesight.

That plus old motor skills

equals scared Kevin
in the back seat.

I'm really stressed
'cause of --

and you can't tell him
that he's a bad driver,

'cause he'll snap.
Kevin --

is your ego so big,
you can't -- Kevin --

now's a good time to pick up
the balloon and blow. Oh.

[ Blows ]

Well, now I'm focused on
my fear of passing out.

It's really hard to accelerate
the pace of your breath.

Perhaps blowing up a balloon

taps into some
deep-breathing techniques.

Try to blow it up
in a rage.

You can't even --

I don't know about you,

but I kind of feel less stress
making this noise.

[ Squeaking sound ]

Ah.

This is what it sounds like
in my soul.

Hack number two comes
from Mallory in Minneapolis.

Okay,
rubbing the earlobes.

We got to pack some tension
into them,

so what have you got

kicking around
the old bvp holiday vault?

You know, one year,

I really wanted to go home
and see my folks,

but I couldn't afford to,

and I chose to pet sit
a chihuahua in queens.

And I ate
all their lean pockets,

and I felt so guilty
about it.

I remember I ran across, like,
six lanes of traffic

to go replace
the lean pockets.

[ Voice fading ] That was
my Christmas Eve dinner.

Then, it was my
Christmas morning breakfast.

The chihuahua
was humping my leg.

The heat didn't work,

and I kept hoping there'd be
a Christmas miracle. Oh, god!

So that's
my holiday story.

I'll just get two hands
on this ear. Oh, wow.

You're going ham!

You're going ham
on those lobes!

I just --
I just want to let it go.

You should.
It was a long time ago.

How do you feel?
[ Exhales deeply ]

It did a little something
for me.

Just 'cause I felt like I was
concentrating on the earlobes

and not
my infinite sadness, but...

Our third and final hack
comes from Carole,

a mother of four
in San Antonio, Texas.

Carole writes...

Okay, well I was gonna
share a personal story,

but I'll be honest.

Reading about Carole,

boy, that fills with enough
stress for several holidays.

Oh, I'm turned up
to an 11.

Yeah, so,
let's dig in, shall we? I think, uh -- yeah.

So what's your method?
I'm gonna start with some small squares.

Oh, that's very sensible
and organized of you.

[ Bleep ]

Here's one square.

[Bleep] Basket.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, fudge.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Bleep ]
Aah!

You [bleep] [bleep] bag!
Aah!

Suck it! [Bleep]

[ Extended bleep ]

[Bleep] Hole.

I'm ready to calmly
talk about these hacks,

how about you?

[Bleep] Yes.

Uh, at first,
I wanted to say,

"let's report Carole
to the authorities."

But, there is some method
to this madness.

Yes.
I feel good.

Whoo!
Oh, my gosh!

The minute
the holidays are over,

you can stock up
on discounted wrapping paper

and just go
[Bleep] nuts!

So, swear and tear,

you get our hack...

Both: ...Seal of approval.

You got some hacks
you want to see on our show,

go to trutv.Com/hacks
and send them in.

[Bleep] Yeah!
Okay.

This is
a sweet [bleep] hack.

Yeah!

Happy holidays!
Happy holidays!

[ Grunts ]
[ Bleep ]

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