All language subtitles for Hack My Life s02e18 The Doctor Is In.eng

Kevin: On a very special episode
of "Dr. Hack",

[ doorbell rings ]

Dr. Hack,
making a house call.

Thank you for coming,
doctor.

I got myself
into some hot water.

Hmm.

I burned my finger
making tea.

Can you help, Dr. Hack?

Yes, I can.

Apply this mustard to the burn
and let it dry.

It contains acidic acid --
a component of aspirin

that reduces pain
and inflammation.

Like this?

No.

Like this.

♪♪

Mm.

Ow.

What is going here?

Kevin: Has Dr. Hack
been caught with his hand

in the mustard jar
for the last time?

Find out when we return.

Brooke:
Tonight, on "hack my life"...

Step right in, easy to win.

Brooke: Sick of feeling like
a loser at the carnival?

Oh!

Kevin:
An insider shows us

how to game the system
and win big.

Ah!

Plus...
-Thrash!

...hair gel hacks that could
survive a rock concert.

Oh [bleep]
[ Whistle blows ]

Brooke:
Soccer hacks that'll have your team kicking major ass.

[ Boing! ]
Ugh.

Kevin: And the hack to turn
bottom-shelf bourbon...

Bottoms up, guys.

...into top-shelf booze.

De-fense, De-fense!

Get hack-cited.

Brooke:
It's "hack my life".

5, 6, 7, 8...

[ Rock music plays ]

Ah! Stop!

Stop.
Just take five, you guys.

Everybody knows rock stars

are supposed ruin hotel rooms,
not their hair.

But you can't shred a sweet solo
without messing up your style.

Or can you?

We're going to find out right
now in this "hack vs. Hack"!

Today, we are pitting
two hair gel hacks

against each other
in head-to-head combat.

In this corner, Philly rocker
and mohawk star, Sean!

Philly rocks!

And his opponent,
Toronto thrasher, Ms. Ashley!

♪♪

Now, you guys are no strangers
to the mohawk.

-Yep.
-Oh, yeah.

What do you normally use
to style your hair?

Gel, hair spray.

Pomade Clay, spray mousse --
all of it.

It's tough
to be a rock star.

Someone's gotta do it.

So, today we have
two very different hacks

that could take the place
of hair gel in a pinch.

Ashley, you've got...
Glue.

Love it.

What about getting it out?

Just some hot water,
conditioner -- it should work.

All right, you've got it.

Now, Sean, you've got something
very different.

Gel toothpaste.

At least I'll be minty.

I mean, I'm really excited to
see if this holds up.

Folks, the rules for this
hack vs hack are very simple.

You will make the best mohawk
that you can, using your hack.

You will then thrash about like
a true rock star for 30 seconds

and when time is up, whoever's
mohawk is standing the tallest

will be declared
the winner.

Pop it right in there --
wasting no time.

Sean with globs of gel
toothpaste in his hair.

It is dripping down his face.

Asheley's getting the glue
in there.

And to be clear, this is not
a timed competition,

but I do appreciate
the rock-star hustle.

This is good.

You're going down, girl.

Yeah, right.

♪♪

You've used this before,
Ashley?

No, but I'm going to, now.

It's holding so well.

[ Whirring ]

Sean's still smiling?

It's tingly.

Yeah. Okay.

We're done applying the hacks.

Now Sean and Ashley will wield
their plastic axes.

30 seconds on the clock.

May the rock gods
smile favorably

upon your disgusting heads.

3, 2, 1. Thrash!

[ Rock music plays ]

Okay. All right.
Sean is crushing the chords.

But there is toothpaste melting
down his forehead.

Ashley's hair isn't moving
at all.

Back up, Ashley.
Back it up.

All right, five seconds!

4...

3...

2...

1...

That is it!

That was exhausting for me,
and I was merely observing.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

The front part of the 'hawk

is just trying to
reach out to me.

Just like a tentacle in hentai,
it's trying to absorb my soul.

It dyed your hair white.

Eyebrows are kind of
burning a little bit.

I will never do this
to my hair again.

[ Laughter ]

We gotta see what happened
with Ashley.

Ashley,
what do you think?

Yeah.

Kind of looks like it did
exactly when you started.

Looks great.
Going to use this all the time.

In the battle of
toothpaste vs. Glue...

The clear choice was glue.

Congrats, Ashley,
you win our hack vs. Hack.

And as your prize,

you get to lead the band through
one final jam sesh.

[ Rock music plays ]

Oh! Geez.

♪♪

[ Clatter ]

All right, everybody,

today's the day we stop effing
up omelets in a frying pan.

[ Crash! ]

All you need to hack yourself
a perfect omelet

is a plastic bag.

So, what do you say?
Let's getcrackin'.

[ Sloop! ]

Get it?Crackin'...
Eggs.

[ Canned laughter ]

I'm going to take the plastic
bag, place it inside a bowl.

I'm going to crack two eggs
into the bag.

What you want to do is manually
scramble the eggs.

Mm, doesn't this look delicious?

[ Canned laughter ]

'Kay, let's put some ingredients
in here.

As always, I'm putting cheese
in this bitch -- you kiddin'?

And for a little bit of health,

we'll add some tomatoes,
as well.

Hmm. Just give it a nice,
sensual squeeze.

It feels...

Oddly familiar.
[ Audience member wolf-whistles ]

So now you're going to seal up
your bag,

but leave a tiny little vent
on the side.

You don't want the bag to fully,
like, blow up once it's cooking.

Take this bag and just place it

ever-so-gently
into the boiling water.

Once you've dropped your omelet,
go live your life --

for 13 minutes.

When you come back, you're going
to have a perfect omelet.

[ Ticking, ding! ]

Let's get this guy
out of the pot.

Ooh.

Egg-cellent.
[ Canned laughter ]

You guys!

We hacked an omelet
in a plastic bag!

This is perfection.

I'm going to cook the rest of my
food in plastic bags forever.

Nice and steamy.

Kevin: Up next...

[ Whistle blows ]

...soccer hacks that'll
turn your backyard

into a major-league powerhouse.

Brooke: And...
-Go!

...we take tumblr out
to the ball game.

My ass is raw.

Tricks to cushion your junk
in the trunk when we return.

Kevin: On the next chilling
installment of "Dr. Hack"...

Dr. Hack, I presume.

Honey,
what areyou

I have a toothache.

PerhapsI

what, you want me to rub mustard
on my tooth?

No, I want you to rub
an ice cube...

Here -- between your thumb
and index finger.

Like this.

♪♪

It's an acu-pressure point that
corresponds with the mouth,

while the cold sensation
neutralizes the pain.

Is the same side
as your toothache?

-Uh-huh.
-Then we're doing this right.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, Dr. Hack, we thought
you might be here.

I have a migraine.

Let's get you inside,
stat!

-Oh, come on.
-Damn it.

Kevin: Will our doctor be able
to hack her headache?

Tune in to find out.

De-fense, De-fense!

I could use some of that defense
right now -- on my derriere.

My ass is raw!

Ohh.

'Cause these bleachers,
they're so tough.

Fortunately for you, kev,
today we're testing out

some hacks to cushion
your butt cheeks.

This is tumblr's hack mail.

Hack #1 comes from Sandra.

You could also just sit
on a bag of rice,

but, hey, whatever.
I guess it wouldn't be a hack.

We got a big ol' sack
of rice here.

Oh, wow!
Sorry about that.

Yeah, that's heavy.

We got a pillow case.
Ready?

Yeah.
Hold on -- oh.

I'm going to pour it
from up high.

Okay.
It's more visually appealing.

Yeah.
We're getting it.

Okay.
That's probably enough.

Man,
this gets pretty heavy.

Well, you want it heavy-duty
for that Booty.

That was the entire
"birds and the bees" talk

that my father gave me.

That's good advice, dad.

You want to try this out?

Just really like...
Oh.

...move around,
get some...

Oh, yeah.
Oh, I really li-- hello!

Oh, one was
standing upright?

One grain really...
Figured it out.

This is way more
comfortable

than the harsh steel
of the bleacher.

Sandra, you really catered
to our needs.

Hack #2.
Alex writes...

All right, Alex.

These are the regular gel packs
you'd throw in your freezer

to get them nice and cold
and use them as a compress.

You know what, I think
we could size them

and slip them
into our pockets.

Okay.
I'm a two, right?

Am I a two row?
You're a tight three.

Okay.
Or a loosey two.

I'll take that
as a compliment.

Yeah.
Like so?

Yeah.
We have touchdown!

All right, let's see.

Stuff the whole thing
in there.

I can do, like,
a three by three.

Three by three?
Ooh!

What?
I punctured it.

I'm trying to do
an a-b test.

A -- cold steel,
no gel pack.

B -- really no difference
whatsoever.

Really? Okay.
A -- cold.

B -- waste of time
and money.

Let's move it on to our third
and final hack.

Let's.
Sam writes...

Oh, I bet.

So, on one side --
something that looks like this.

Tennis balls cut in half
and glued to a board.

Flip it over...

You have your vague support
or threat for a team.

Go!
Go!

Go, go, go!

And now,
time for some support. [ Pop! ]

Oh, that's not
a happy baby!

I don't know what kind of butt
this guy has.

Check this out.
Okay. All right.

Ooh, daddy no likey.
Oh, no!

I think it's braille
for "uncomfortable".

That's what my butt
just read. Yeah.

Okay, well, let's review.

Let's.
Shall we?

Starting with
the tennis balls,

since it's fresh in our minds
and our butts.

Left quite an impression...
On my ass.

I did not like
the way it felt.

No!
I'm not a fan.

What about the gel packs?

The gel packs,
they can explode --

it looks like
you wet your pants.

Might as well
just buy a cushion.

That leaves us
with our last hack,

the pillow cased
filled with rice.

It was comfortable,
it contoured to your body.

I felt like it was
cheap, easy.

Sandra, congrats to you

and your pillow case filled
with rice hack.

You just got our...

Both:
..."Hack seal of approval"!

If you're watching this
right now and thinking,

"oh, man, I want my hacks
on the show"...

Right.
...Well, stop dreaming, silly.

Just go to our website.

It's easy.
It's...

Check it out and submit.

Good hustle, Tommy!

There's no one
out there, Kevin.

Is this even a stadium?

[ Crickets chirping ]

Kevin: Sometimes ordinary people
do extraordinary things,

all in the name of hacking.

[ Whistle blows ]

People like Susan.

Since she's started coaching
her son's soccer team,

she's led the pint-sized pelés
to four straight championships.

Now the drive for five is on

and Susan wants to add another
trophy to that shelf.

Because she's a "hack hero"!

Susan wants to make sure

the team starts off
on the right foot.

That's why she's hacking apart
this old yoga mat

to create comfy cleat insoles!

Now her team will be
blister free

from kickoff until
the final whistle blows.

Time to take the field.

And boy, does this team know how
to make an entrance.

Susan knows practice
will determine

if her team sinks or swims.

And that's why she's harnessing
the power of pool noodles!

By bending those flexible tubes
into all sorts of shapes,

Susan creates an agility drill
obstacle course

that keeps her players
on their toes.

Let's go!

[ Moans ]

Kevin:
Uh-oh, looks like

there's an injury on the pitch.

Susan's son has a cramp,

and she can't lose him
to the disabled list.

So she nurses her all-star back
to full health with...

Pickle juice!

It may be bitter to swallow,

but those electrolytes
in the brine

loosen up that leg cramp
in record time.

When it comes to scoring goals,
speed is all well and good,

but Susan knows that accuracy
matters most.

To make sure the team
is on target,

she's hacked two holes
out of a shower curtain --

to create a penalty-kick
practice target.

Hey, you better get that
right foot under control

by game day, kid.

Both: Look out!

Kevin: Yikes!
Coach takes a vicious header.

Thankfully, Susan's son
makes a fast break

towards the cooler and grabs
a home-made ice pack!

The slushie mix of
rubbing alcohol and water

helps get her head
back in the game.

Great work out there, coach!

By harnessing the power of hacks

you help your team achieve
all its gooooooals!

Hack on, hack hero.

Brooke: Time to game the system,
hackers.

It's a quarter and a plate.
There's not a lot you could do.

But there is.

Kevin: A carnival insider
reveals a trick

to help you clean up
at the coin toss.

[ Cheering ]

Brooke:
When the hack comes back.

Kevin: Tonight, on the climactic
conclusion of "Dr. Hack"...

A migraine is no fun,

but there is something
we can do to help.

First, you're going to want
to dim the light.

Then play some music
to set the mood.

[Mellow music plays

and finally, find a comfortable
place to lie down!

[ Gasps ]

Oh, Dr. Hack...

[ Beep ]

Oh, my goodness.
I feel so much better.

We should lose your meds
more often.

I thought
that might do the trick.

The brain chemicals released
during orgasm

act as a [chuckling] very
powerful, natural painkiller.

That can relieve cluster
and migraine headaches.

Oh, no, Dr. Hack!

I think I feel another migraine
coming on.

Me too.

[ Sighs ]

Kevin: [ Seductive voice ]
The doctor is in.

[ Mellow music plays ]

Step right up, win
the pretty lady a prize.

Hey, you know, carnivals
have been around

since the late 1800s.

There's over 200 years
of fleecing your 401k

so you can win an oversized
stuffed Teddy bear.

It's a system rigged
against you.

But can these
games be gamed?

We're going to find out in
today's "gaming the system".

To help us pull the curtains
back on these crooked carnivals,

we're joined by gino,

a man with over 23 years
of experience

in the carnival game.

There's a notion that, like,

all carnivals are crooked,
but is that the case?

Yes, that's correct.

Really?!
They're all crooked?

Yeah, absolutely.

Dart at the balloon.

Two darts will have
a sharp tip, one won't.

Is the three pointer --
is that corrupt?

The long-range,
they bend in the rim.

Ping-pong ball into a vase,
I win a fish.

By the morning it's dead.

So today, we're tying
to hack the coin toss.

It's a plate and a coin.

-Yeah.
-You can't rig that.

Right? You'd think, but
the plates, they're waxed.

Slicker than a hockey puck
on ice.

You guys want to try it out
to see for yourself?

Yeah.
That's more money for me right there.

Okay, hold on,
I got something.

Oh!
Ah!

So, as you can see, far harder
than it appears to be.

How do you game this system?

It's a quarter and a plate.
There's not a lot you could do.

You'd think that, right?

But there is something
you can do.

Soap and gum.

Remember, the problem is
the plates are very slick. Right.

Soap isn't slick.

It will slow down the coins
and some will stick.

What about gum, though?

You chew some gum,
stick a little of the gum

on the bottom of the coin.

You throw the coin,
if it lands on the gummy part,

what do you think
is going to happen?

It'll stick.

Let's try it out today,
see what happens.

Soap these bad boys up.

I think Kevin's got the slicker
hack of the two.

Mine's a little messy
and obvious.

I am trying to
sort of, like,

get some of the gummy residue
on the coin itself.

All right, I'm ready to do this.
Are you?

Oh. Why -- Brooke.

Soaps up.

Nope.

Ah!

[ Cheering ]

All right!

Winner!
Boom!

It works.

Oh!

You're actually excited,

but you're kind of screwing
yourself out of a job, gino.

Okay.

Can't have bounce.

[ Cheering ]

She gets the big one!

Whoa!
There goes another winner!

[ Bell dinging ]

You gave us good tips --
they worked.

We got two soapy coins
on the plate.

Brooke got one gummed up
on there, as well.

But would you be able
to spot these hacks?

So, the gum is clear.
The soap -- almost invisible.

I'd go with the soap.

Gino, thank you
for the expert hacks.

And keep in mind the next time
you're at the carnival,

you can, in fact,
game the system.

Step right up --
give me that back.

Oh, wait a minute.
Hey, who's next? Come on over!

That's fair, you did cheat.
You did cheat.

-Cheat?
-Hey, you ready?

Kevin: Our winning streak's
not over yet.

Mama found a solution
to all her problems.

Brooke:
Up next, see what a little vanilla can do for your booze.

Where did that shot
take ya?

[ Stammers ]

Kevin:
When the hack stumbles back.

Ahh, delicious, sweet,
smokey bourbon.

The fancy stuff tastes so good,
but it costs so much.

I got a hack that'll turn
bottom-shelf bourbon

into top-shelf booze.

And all you need
is a little smoke.

All right.
This is "spot the hack".

Today we're going to
see if bar patrons can tell the difference

between the expensive stuff

and the cheap bourbon
that we've hacked

using a few
household items.

First, you're going to need
a very cheap handle of bourbon,

which you can buy at your finest
gas station or grocery store.

Yeah, there we go.

Mama found a solution
to all her problems.

Yeah.
750 on that.

To make our hacked bourbon
taste high end

I'm going to add 3/4 of
a teaspoon of vanilla extract.

That is to emulate the taste
of the sugars

that are released
when bourbon is aged.

Oh, yeah.

So, the liquid smoke sort of
gives you that hot wood taste.

It's powerful, so you want
three dashes at most.

Sherry -- aged wine.

One tablespoon.

Why is that going in here?

'Cause it just tastes,
like, old?

Oh, drinkers!

Let's go, alcoholics.

Come on up, three gentlemen
here. Hi.

Here's two more.

Do you think you can tell
the difference

between cheap bourbon
and expensive bourbon?

I think I know what's good
and what's not.

We've got a top-shelf
bottle of bourbon.

We also have
a "hacked" bourbon.

That means we did
something to it

and it will taste like
the expensive stuff.

Take a shot of each
and spot the hack.

So we're going to do a shot
of "a".

Cheers, to your health.

Great, this one's great.

Tastes pretty good.

Yeah, a little smokey,
little sweet.

That's legit.

That's legit?

High-end legit.
Okay.

Let's take a shot
from tray "b".

Kevin:
Mm, being an adult is fun!

Okay.

Ah, memories.

Where did that shot
take you?

[ Stammers ]
A blackout maybe.

[ Laughter ]

-Hmm.
-Uh-oh.

Oh a big "hmm"
from captain confident.

He don't know!

It's closer than I thought
it would be.

It has an aftertaste.

An aftertaste of...?

Pee.

Okay.
Just a urinary after-taste.

I don't think anyone
peed in there.

Which tray do you think
has our hacked bourbon?

"B" is the hack.
I'll bet anything on it.

"B" -- we believe "b"
was hacked.

I will say "b"
is also the hack.

I'm going to say "a"
is the hacked.

I'm going to say "a"
is the hack.

Agree.

Everyone just got so glossy
in the eyes.

Kevin: You can sense it
right away.

All right, guys,
moment of truth.

The hacked bourbon is...

Oh!

"B" was the hack!

Oh, wow.

Yes!

Yeah!

I thought "b" was
the expensive stuff.

Do you want one
for the road?

Oh, my god, yeah.

It's already
in a to-go jug.

Even better.
Thank you.

Four out of seven people
were able to spot the hack.

Which, technically means
it failed,

but the cheap stuff
tasted pretty good

when we were done with it.

We may not have elevated it
to top-shelf,

but we brought it up
to a nice middle.

Good enough for any lady
I've swiped right on.

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