All language subtitles for Dan Vs s01e16 Elises Parents.eng

What ho, yon Chris?

Uh, hi, Dan.

What are you wearing?

Elise is picking up her parents
at the airport

and I'm cleaning
the house again.

But the Renaissance Faire
starts today.

Ah, that explains the armor.

A mighty lord cannot travel
hither and thither

without his fool.

I really can't go
this year, Dan.

Elise has been freaking out about
her parents' visit all week.

Oh, but we go every year.
It's our thing.

It's your thing, and frankly
I've never understood why.

You hate crowds.
You hate price gouging.

You hate foppery.

But you put it all together
and it really works.

You've got to come.

If you don't,
who'll carry my stuff

and dance stupidly
for my amusement?

- I'm sure you'll be fine.
- I hate Elise's parents!

Look, they're only
in town for a week.

We can go to the Renaissance
Faire after they're gone.

It ends in a week.

Come on.

They've got mutton.

I do like mutton.

No, I can't go.

Look, we're just going to have
to miss it this year.

But-- but...

wenches.

Who's the little guy
in the costume?

You remember Dan.

I thought he was the world's
ugliest garden gnome.

Don, be nice.

Dan, you remember
Elise's parents,

Don and Elise Sr.

Ah, yes,
the fun police.

Did you dust
under the lampshades?

Yes, but she's not
going to check under the--

She always checks.

Aren't you a little old
to play dress-up, son?

Who are you supposed to be,
the queen of England?

Just kidding!

ELISE'S PARENTS!!!

So, Chris, how's your...

"career" going?

Um, swimmingly.
Great.

So you're still unemployed?

Not still. Again.

So how's the chain
of cupcake stores?

Business is fine.

In fact, we're thinking
of opening a store out here.

That's great, Dad.

Please, call me Don.

Maybe we could hire Chris
to work at the store.

Sure, we'd be taking you away

from a promising career
in unemployment.

Dad!

He didn't mean
anything by it, Junior.

Mom, I have asked you
not to call me that.

Why not?
It is your name.

My name is Elise.

My name is Elise.
Hence the Junior.

Is there someone in your...

yard?

I thought this neighborhood
looked shady.

It's Dan.
I'll take care of this.

Unhand me!

You have two seconds
to explain yourself.

Are you okay, Elise?
You seem tense.

Of course I'm tense!
My parents are here

judging every single aspect
of my life!

Yeah, they're horrible.

I mean, look what they
turned you into.

See?

So how is Dan these days?

We haven't spent any time
with him since the wedding.

He's a lot more easygoing
these days,

does a lot of gardening.

As I recall, his best man toast
was about how marriage is a scam

and you and Elise Jr. would
be divorced within the year.

Well, he was wrong about that.

Yeah.

I just want to go

to the Renaissance Faire
with my best friend,

and your parents are
getting in the way of that.

You think they're
inconveniencing you?

Ever since I was a kid,

nothing I've ever done
has been good enough--

straight As,
full scholarships,

captain of every conceivable
team the schools had--

everything, never enough.

Why do you think
I became the top operative

in a shadowy
quasi-governmental organization?

- Wait. What was that?
- What? Oh. Never mind.

The point is my parents
will have a perfect week

and for once not have anything
to criticize me about.

You know
you married Chris, right?

Well, what am l
supposed to do

with this bag
of common household rats?

Don't you even think about it.

Come on. I spent all day
collecting these little guys.

Let's establish
some ground rules.

One, you will not mess up
my house in any way.

Fine.

Two, you will
not cause my parents

bodily harm of any kind.

Three, you will not
set anything they own on fire.

Oh, come on!

Four, if and when you
engage them in conversation,

you will be polite and pleasant.

If you aren't,
they'll need dental records

to identify your body.
You get me?

Joke's on you.
I don't have dental records.

And take those rats
somewhere else!

What to do?
What to do?

Enough with the sirens already!

I'm trying to think!

Stupid police.

Stupid police.

I have a crime to report.

My friend's in-laws
are foreign spies.

I need to have them
deported immediately.

That's not our department.

FBl handles espionage.

Oh, did I say spies?
I meant counterfeiters.

That's the Secret Service.

- Gunrunners?
- ATF.

Unless they're
with organized crime.

We have
a joint task force with--

That's it!
That's what I meant!

They're in the Mafia!
Could you arrest them, please?

I assume you have
some hard evidence.

Of course I do.

Wait. Define hard evidence.

Something that proves
conclusively

that your allegations
have merit.

Of course I don't have that.

What I have
are wild accusations.

What you have
are jail cells and handcuffs.

- Let's work together.
- I'm sorry, sir.

We can't open an investigation
without something concrete.

Fine. You want proof,
I'll get you proof.

We'll be here when you do, sir.

Apparently, Mr. Mumbles,

this is going
to take some doing.

But don't worry.
I'm up for it.

They won't give me a wire, fine.

Not bad.

What do you think,
Mr. Mumbles?

I'll just do this again
tomorrow before I leave,

and--

Or I'll just sleep like this.

We can put the counter
right here

and a display case on that wall.
Chris, what do you think?

I don't know much
about the cupcake industry, sir.

Oh, you will.

How did he make that
sound like a threat?

It's mostly the enunciation.

So, Junior,
did you hear about Colby?

Didn't you have
an ex-boyfriend named Colby?

Ah, Colby.

Good kid.

Still sends a Christmas card
every year.

He quit being an astronaut
to go to med school.

Isn't that wonderful?

Hello, family.

What are you doing here?

I was actually thinking
about buying this place myself

for my rat dealership.

One sec.

So...

what was your name again?

Don.

Right. So, Don,
what are you doing here?

I've put a down payment
on this property

for my cupcake business.
I'm going to open a store here.

And why here, exactly?

Good foot traffic.

Not much competition.
Plus it'll be nice

to have someone in the family
working for me.

Junior never had
any interest in cupcakes.

You mean you'd hire Chris?

Yes, Chris would be
assistant manager of the store.

- Wouldn't that be great?
- If we can pull him away

from his busy schedule
of doing nothing all day.

Don, be nice.

Assistant? Then who
would be the manager?

That's the surprise!

We're moving here!

Permanently.

Hey! That's great.

Help me.

Don't worry, buddy.

I've got this under control.

I think you're overreacting.

Overreacting?
My parents are moving here!

I'm sure it will be fine.
You're just freaking out.

They haven't even started in

on the, "When are
we going to see

a little Elise lll
running around?"

Okay, now I'm freaking out.

- What are we going to do?
- I don't know!

We have to get rid of them!

Maybe some kind
of elaborate trick

where they think
they're buying a store here,

but really it's in London!
You dress up as a realtor!

- I'll forge--
- Hon.

- Ooh, or--
- Elise!

You've got
to get ahold of yourself.

Do you know
who you sound like?

Help me.

I have you now, Don.

It's going to hurt when I take
the tape off my actual skin.

Oh, well.

Don.

...someone in the family.

They'll only be in our house
for six more days.

Once again, I've ridden in
on my white horse

and solved everyone's problems.

By tomorrow, your father-in-law
will be in the hoosegow.

Why would Don go to jail?

For being in the Mafia.

I have a tape you need to hear.

Hello? Hello?

Are you silent
because you're ready to listen?

You wanted hard evidence.

You've got hard evidence.

I'm... the... Don...

of the... family.

You mean Mafia family?

Surprise.

I'm going to open... my...
business... here.

You mean
your organized crime business?

Surprise.

What about
the local crime syndicate?

I'm going to... permanently...

cupcake... them.

"Cupcake" is the new Mafia
word for kill,

if you're not hip to the lingo.

All right, sir,
you've convinced me.

So you'll go arrest them now?

Or at least by Friday.

We still need conclusive proof.

What is wrong with you?
Didn't you hear the tape?

Give me an undercover agent.
I'll get them inside,

help them find
your precious proof.

We do have one
undercover agent available.

Louie!

What is it?

New mob boss in town.
You're going undercover.

Yeah! All right!

Louie's our best.
He won't let you down.

It's all in the details,
Mr. Mumbles.

Okay, ready?

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm your new girlfriend Heather.

You don't even look female.

You monster!

Why are you so hurtful?

Look, I'm going in there.

You can either play along
or destroy the whole operation.

Hi, Dan.
Who's your friend?

I'm his new girlfriend Heather.

You didn't tell me
that you had a new girlfriend.

Well, I do.

Also, shut up.

So, where--

- where did you two meet?
- Police station.

Who kicked me?

He means we were both arrested
at the same time.

He was in for public indecency.

I was charged with
involuntary manslaughter,

but I beat it.

Teflon Heather.

So, Don, tell us
about your business.

I understand
Chris is getting made.

Made assistant manager, yeah.

I just hope he doesn't eat
all the profits.

Am I right?

I mean, look at the guy!

So, Don, kill anyone lately?

- Be honest.
- What?

Chris, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Actually I'd like to talk
to you, too.

In private.

What the heck is Dan doing?
And who is that guy?

I don't know.
I think he's a cop.

- What?
- Yeah, Dan mentioned

something about your father
being in the Mafia.

It didn't seem important
at the time.

That's completely ridiculous!

Hey, you don't have to tell me.

Dan, get in here!

My father is not in the Mafia.

- You told her?
- Of course I told her.

I'm sorry to have
to inform you, Elise,

but your father is in the mob.

- He is not!
- The cops think so.

Is that because
you told them that?

That is neither here nor there.

But have you noticed
how polite I've been?

Maybe this isn't
such a good idea.

We had a talk about this.

You want to give Chris
a job, right?

Honestly, not really.

Don, he's our son-in-law.

It's time we brought him
into the business.

Look at the company he keeps.

Do you really want Dan
in our store?

Or Heather?

I'm sure she's a very nice man.

Ow.
That really hurt.

Knock, knock.

Uh, Dan, your date left.

What? She did?

But you haven't been arres--

Heather!

Hey, it's me.

Louie.

Why do you insist
on wearing that dress?

I'm undercover.

I mean that dress in particular.

It makes you look cheap.

The color compliments my eyes.

I understand you have
information for me.

I do, boss.

There's a new outfit
moving in on our territory.

He thinks he can just
move in and take over?

He's wrong,
dead wrong.

We are going to cupcake him.

So this mook thinks he can
just come into my territory

- and take over?
- What are you going to do?

I thought I'd send
some soldiers over

to take him alive,
and then I'd use this on him.

There's no antidote,

and it's supposed
to be quite painful.

Get a squad together.

We strike in two hours.

This isn't good.

You know, maybe working in
a cupcake shop won't be so bad.

Yes, it will be.

It'll give me a chance
to get to know Don,

see what he's like once you
get past that gruff exterior.

There's a gruff interior
that's exactly the same.

Well, at least
I'll be surrounded by--

You won't be allowed
to eat any of the cupcakes.

Wait. I'll be surrounded
by food all day

and not allowed to eat it?

That's the food service industry
for you.

That sounds like one of
the circles of Dante's "lnferno."

Only less fun.

Come on!
I saw it with my own eyes.

Hey, Louie's our best
undercover guy.

Sometimes I've seen him
dress as a woman.

I didn't even know
he was working a case.

But he's in league with the local
organized crime syndicate.

You said the same thing
about your friend's in-laws.

Them, too, but they're
with a different syndicate.

So everybody's involved with
the mob somehow. Is that it?

Sounds like a cop on the take.

Who's pulling
your strings, puppet?

What do I do, Mr. Mumbles?

I don't want
Elise's parents to die.

I just want them to go to jail
for a very long time.

Or move away, whichever.

On the other hand,
if I do nothing,

my problem solves itself.

I'd better think this over
while I watch some TV.

Fine.

I'll warn them
about the assassins.

Why do I always have
to save the day?

Who's there?

Let go of me.

Hi, Dan.

We caught him
sneaking around outside.

- Yeah, he does that.
- Just let me explain.

You can let him go.
He's harmless.

Hi, guys.

I have some good news
and some bad news.

The Mafia is coming to kill all of you
and the police won't help.

- What?
- The Mafia?

Yeah. We should
probably get out of here.

They want to kill Don
with a poison dart.

Why would the Mafia
be after Don?

Um, you got me.

Did you do this, Dan?

If you're making allegations,

you'll have to speak
with my attorneys.

Will somebody please
tell me what's going on?

Dan thinks you're in the Mafia.

- He what?
- That's ridiculous.

Don is not in the Mafia.

The police think differently.

Because you
told them differently!

Allegedly.

And now they're
on their way here?

We should go.

Yes! That's what I've been
trying to tell you!

Go! Never come back!

Is that them?

I'm guessing yes.

Sounds like the kitchen.
Stay here.

Oh, no.

Heather?

His name's Louie.
He's a crooked cop.

And that's Vito Barrelli, head
of the local crime syndicate.

How do you know that?

I read something about him
in the paper?

What's going on in there?

Did you think you could
muscle me out of my own turf?

I-I really don't know
what you're talking about.

Please believe me.

It's too late for that.

Rats!

No!

Everybody freeze!

Thank goodness you're here.

We got reports of a prowler.

Yes, these two men are in
the local crime syndicate.

They attacked us.
There are six more

in the kitchen unconscious.
What happened to Dan?

Poisoned.
Poor little guy.

He's done for.

Dan, are you okay?

Sure. Why wouldn't I be?

I should make one of these
for Mr. Mumbles.

Well, this has been fun.

We'll do it again sometime.

Maybe not all of it.

Are you sure you don't want to
open a store here anymore, Dad?

I've been in Los Angeles
for three days.

The police think I'm some kind
of criminal overlord,

and the mob tried to kill me.
Nah, I'm good.

We'll come visit you soon.
Right, Chris?

Can't wait.

- Are we going or what?
- Dan, polite and pleasant.

Oh, I forgot
my sunglasses inside.

I suppose
I should thank you

for saving my life.

It was pretty heroic.

But, hey, that's what I do.

Well, on the other hand,
if it wasn't for you,

they wouldn't have been trying
to kill me in the first place!

You should let that go.
I have.

Besides, it's your fault
for being in the Mafia.

I am not in the Mafia!

It's all right, Don.
Let him go.

Nice to see you, Dad.

Where did your mom go?
The flight leaves soon.

No, I am telling you Los Angeles
is too hot right now.

Cops are on alert. We have to
set up shop somewhere else.

No, Don still
doesn't know anything.

My son-in-law?

I don't think he even has
what it takes to join the family.

Where is everyone?

We're in the right place.

Hey, look.

Aw, out of mutton?

Wenches on strike?

Oh, no.

There's only one thing
that can cheer me up now.

Dance, fool!

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