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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:08,506 It's just incredible. 2 00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:10,299 - Hmm. - "New Selina." 3 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:11,654 "Now." 4 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:12,885 Oh, it's perfect! 5 00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,587 I don't really get it, actually. 6 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:15,992 Ma'am, we're so far ahead in the polls 7 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,160 and you're not even running yet. 8 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:18,641 SHEILA couldn't agree more. 9 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:20,246 - Hey, Kent's dating again. - Oh. 10 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:22,262 No, SHEILA is my predictive computer model 11 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,666 - for election results. - No. No. 12 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:25,181 Strategic Hypermetric Electoral 13 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,875 - Interactive Logistical Algorithm. - No. 14 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:28,018 - I don't want nuts. - Ah. 15 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,395 I like her more than I like the deaf girl. 16 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:33,072 - Whatever happened to her? - The police have no leads. 17 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:35,345 - All right, here you go, ma'am. - I still need my speech. 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,406 - It's printing, ma'am. - Amy, are you there? 19 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,870 We're all ready for you, ma'am. 20 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,531 Hey! Sweatpants! You can't just walk out. 21 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,366 This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit. 22 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:46,453 All right, quiet, everyone. Mommy's reading. 23 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,085 Okay, the network's been properly fluffed. 24 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,652 Told 'em to expect a surprise announcement 25 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,362 without telling 'em that she's surprise-announcing. 26 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,628 Maybe after the announcement we can finally sit down. 27 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,804 There's still a lot to talk about. 28 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,301 We talk plenty, Amy. 29 00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,803 No, not you, ma'am. 30 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,352 - I was talking about the... - What? 31 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,054 Jesus, I thought you sent that thing 32 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,910 to the 7-Eleven dumpster in the sky already. 33 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,897 It's just we've been so busy with the campaign. I don't wanna... 34 00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,340 Waitin' for the thing to get into fucking college? What are you doing? 35 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:13,605 - Okay, Leon, - Yeah? 36 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,315 I'm still... I'm not sure about this part 37 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,698 where I say I wanna be president for all Americans. 38 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,530 - I mean, do I? You know? All of them? - Mmm-mmm. 39 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:24,616 - How about "real Americans"? - Oh, yeah, that's good. 40 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,827 And then we can figure out what I mean later. 41 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,128 Ma'am, I don't have a copy of the speech. 42 00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:30,441 Okay, I don't know what she's saying, 43 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:31,776 so, here. 44 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,292 Ma'am, the voters need to know clearly 45 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,298 and definitively why you want to be president. 46 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:37,388 In your own words. 47 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,152 If you want me to use my own goddamn words, 48 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,262 - then write me something to say. Okay? - Yes, ma'am. 49 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,222 Oh, and take out the stuff about immigration 50 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:44,914 'cause I feel like it's a little too issue-y. 51 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:45,938 Okay. 52 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,527 Hello, Iowa! 53 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,482 - I'm... - Selina Meyer. 54 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,895 - Wait a minute. Where is everyone? - Maybe they're hiding. 55 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,822 What... 56 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,244 Amy? Where are you? 57 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,663 At the airport. Where are you? 58 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,226 I mean, there's only one fuckin' runway! 59 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,116 I'm at the airport! We just landed! 60 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,918 - That's not possible. - Right now I'm standing here, 61 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,088 with my dick in my hand, 62 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:14,666 in Cedar Falls, Iowa! 63 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:18,299 - Ma'am, we're in Cedar Rapids. - No! 64 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:21,722 - This is supposed to be New Selina! - Now! 65 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,975 If Mohammed Atta 66 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,106 had you people booking his travel, 67 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,062 he'd still be alive today. 68 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,613 Which from his perspective, 69 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,534 would be a massive fuck-up. 70 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,972 Yeah, it didn't go very well. 71 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,453 - Ya think? - Ma'am, FYI, 72 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:45,905 we're tracking a school shooting 73 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,410 in Spokane, Washington. 74 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,242 - Muslim or white guy? - Don't know yet. 75 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,813 - Which is better for me? - White guy. 76 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:51,837 Fingers crossed. 77 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:54,960 Okay, guys, what happened at the airport today 78 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,508 can never, ever happen again. 79 00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:01,213 And so, as such, I have had a... Okay. 80 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,389 I have had Amy prepare 81 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:06,013 a full autopsy of the last campaign 82 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,890 to specifically identify 83 00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:09,971 problem areas within the organization. 84 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:11,601 - Hmm. - Okay? So, Amy? 85 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:12,692 Thank you, ma'am. 86 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:15,234 I have put together a summary list 87 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,607 of what I discovered were the most egregious 88 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,342 - flaws in our organization. - I said this already. 89 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,573 This is what I just said. 90 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,659 - Yeah. - Great. 91 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,118 First and foremost, 92 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,742 there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate 93 00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,323 to take responsibility for mistakes. 94 00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:30,283 What? No, you were the one that made mistakes. 95 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:31,993 What else? Go on. 96 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,124 Uh, second, there was a culture of blame 97 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,672 which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms. 98 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,420 What dumb asshole said that? 99 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:41,218 Number three, an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies 100 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:42,990 - and share ideas with campaign staff. - Okay, yeah. 101 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,694 - Four... - All right, autopsy is now over. 102 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,098 Forget about it. Oh, my... 103 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,675 How many pages is this, 500? 104 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,886 How about I write 500 pages 105 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,972 about how you need to start wearing concealer? 106 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,681 All right. 107 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,002 Ames, can I get a copy of that? 108 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,610 Guys, this is not going to be a repeat of my last campaign. 109 00:03:58,697 --> 00:03:59,778 I am New Selina. 110 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,026 - Now. - Exactly. 111 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:03,574 So I'm gonna shake things up. I'm gonna hire Keith Quinn. 112 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,868 Well, he's already doing oppo for Kapoor's people. 113 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,234 Then offer him campaign manager. 114 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,808 I thought I was your campaign manager. 115 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:10,323 I thought I was going to Cedar Falls. 116 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,079 - Cedar Rapids. - Ma'am, we have 117 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,813 another candidate announcing for president. 118 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,437 Oh. All right, well, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say white guy. 119 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:19,165 I was reminded of another innovator 120 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,546 by the name of Jesus Christ. 121 00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:22,636 Thank you. 122 00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,462 Two wheelchair guys behind him? 123 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,764 What, we didn't get the point with the first one? 124 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:29,120 - I got it. - One wheelchair guy, good for you, 125 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:31,205 two wheelchair guys, shame on me. 126 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:33,937 Okay, Keith fucking Quinn? Are you kiddin' me? 127 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,753 I heard the last campaign that guy joined, he had the entire staff fired. 128 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:37,984 I knew she'd cut my balls off, 129 00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,106 I just thought it would be after we lost Iowa. 130 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,109 Huh. Campaign's ahead of schedule. 131 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,361 Ma'am, the Meyer Fund is now completely wrapped up, 132 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,238 but there were some accounting issues 133 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:47,569 that didn't resolve cleanly. 134 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,056 All right, but that's Andrew's department, 135 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,446 so you could just give him a call. 136 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,977 His cell phone number now seems to belong to a Portuguese gentleman. 137 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:54,771 Ma'am, your non-announcement this morning 138 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,913 has given us an excellent opportunity to fix your speech. 139 00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,293 - Why do you want to be president? - Leon, I've got this. 140 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,343 It's all in my head, so just don't worry about it. 141 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,634 Sorry. 142 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,966 Why would you want to be president? 143 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,969 - As the child of a Native American... - Okay, I get the gist. 144 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:11,847 Is Little Richard ready to go and meet some voters? 145 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,680 Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop. 146 00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:16,685 It's just a few more months in Iowa... 147 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,127 ...and then we're gonna 148 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,313 hide him when we get to New Hampshire. 149 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,443 No, no crying. 150 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,151 Mom, you cannot tell the baby "N-O." 151 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,198 "N-O" is a negative rejoinder. 152 00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:29,027 We don't want to constrain Little Richard developmentally... 153 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,641 What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an asshole? 154 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,665 For instance. 155 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,549 You're supposed to say, "That's not our plan." 156 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,041 I don't even know where to start. 157 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,494 - Well, Child Services is a good place. - All right... 158 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:41,456 Here. Take... Go back to Mommy number one 159 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:42,902 or two or whatever. 160 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,213 Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mom-Mom. 161 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:48,262 You didn't want to go with Mommy and Agent Palmiotti? 162 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,805 So sorry. 163 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,251 Catherine. 164 00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,976 Okay... 165 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:55,498 I'm sorry about that, Gam-Gam, ma'am. 166 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,809 Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression. 167 00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,516 - How can you tell? - Well, the haircut. 168 00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:01,817 It's been tough on both of us. 169 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,190 - Particularly on our sex life. - Okay. 170 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,843 - I've gotta get out of here. - We still enjoy sex in the mornings, 171 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,450 but in the evenings, hardly ever. And rarely penetrative. 172 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,993 - Amy? - Ooh, Amy. 173 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,079 - Amy. - Mmm-hmm? 174 00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:14,451 I, uh, just had to get away from 175 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:15,998 "Blue is the Most Annoying Color." 176 00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,792 CNN has the current Spokane death toll at six. 177 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,086 - Leon! - Yes. 178 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,628 Okay, I need a statement. Spokane. 179 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,515 - Standard thoughts and prayers? - Bull's-eye. 180 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,041 - Ma'am, the speech? - I know. 181 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,219 Amy, why would you want to be president? 182 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,297 - So I can nuke America. - Mmm-hmm. 183 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,285 - That's actually not bad. - Pretty good, actually. 184 00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,676 I love you, New Hampshire! 185 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,262 And that's why I'm skipping the Iowa caucus. 186 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:39,563 Because I want you, my home state, 187 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:40,890 to pick the next president, 188 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:44,193 and not because my polls are low there. 189 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,817 And just wait until you see how we juice the economy 190 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,194 with my new seven-eight-nine tax plan. 191 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,742 No, it's nine-eight-seven tax plan. 192 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,615 It's 9% sales tax... 193 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,558 The candidate thinks it's funnier that way. Wait for it. 194 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,039 Why was six afraid of seven? 195 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:58,536 Why? 196 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:02,541 Because of my seven-eight-nine tax plan. 197 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,003 You know what I always thought the funniest number was? 198 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,800 Eleven. 199 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,197 Did you guys know that I got married? 200 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,634 Who wants to meet my brand-new smokin' hot wife, Beth? 201 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:14,285 Beth, come on out here. 202 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,471 This is my wife. And my stepson, Clay. 203 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,393 Clay, come on up here. 204 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,833 - Go ahead, say something. - Oh, no, thank you. 205 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,126 Yeah, no, you have to. They'd love it. 206 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,812 You have to. 207 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,064 - Look at how hot she is! - Jonie! 208 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,396 - Yeah, I get sprung. - Oh, gosh! 209 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:30,277 Thank you all so much. 210 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,575 My Jonie, he just swept me off my feet. 211 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:35,369 And I know that when he's elected president, 212 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,948 he's gonna sweep all of the dirt out of Washington, so... 213 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,520 We're just gonna need to find a broom 214 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,786 that's tall enough for him. 215 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,917 I just want to make it clear 216 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,964 - that she does do all the housework. - I do. 217 00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:49,570 Thank you, New Hampshire, thank you for coming. 218 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,880 Thank you! 219 00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,763 The wife is really helpful. 220 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,761 She humanizes him, if that were possible. 221 00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,592 Like sunglasses on a dog. 222 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,223 His favorabilities are up 11%. 223 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,929 Hilarious. 224 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,903 That bump could carry us right to Super Tuesday. 225 00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,524 Uh-oh. - Stay away from us. 226 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:06,817 You're lucky my wife is here, 227 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,519 or I'd give you a berserker beatdown 228 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,230 and I would wipe my ass with that dumb-looking cardigan. 229 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,656 It's a sweater-vest. 230 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,199 What the hell was that? 231 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,764 I thought you'd gotten a handle on the screaming-at-random-seniors thing. 232 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:19,280 Oh, what, my ex-stepdad? That guy's such a douche nark. 233 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,615 That's your stepfather? 234 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,575 Yeah, he thinks he can just come down here 235 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,958 and bask in my meteoric success just because he's my wife's dad? 236 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,289 Wait, I'm... So, he's your wife's dad. 237 00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:30,045 You said he was your stepdad. 238 00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,215 Yeah, Beth's my stepsister. 239 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,342 Did you guys not know that? 240 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,347 Oh, no. 241 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:38,595 - Oh, no, no. - No. 242 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,052 Yeah, her dad married my mom for like a year when I was 11. 243 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,559 You're killing me, sir. 244 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,059 Look, the point is, he's a dick. 245 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,561 He gave me a D in math 246 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,392 because I have dyslexia, but for numbers. 247 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:51,024 And he forced us to go on all these family vacations 248 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,400 to stupid Hawaii. 249 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:53,981 - Which island? - The big one. 250 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,408 Did you do no oppo research 251 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,406 on our own candidate? How did this not come up? 252 00:08:58,496 --> 00:08:59,765 The same reason it didn't come up 253 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,872 that he moisturizes with Minotaur semen! 254 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,936 It's not one of the standard questions that you ask! 255 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,396 I don't know what the big deal is here. 256 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,412 It's not like Beth and I did anything, 257 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:10,293 unless you count her walking in while I was whackin' off all the time. 258 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,590 I wish I was still in prison. 259 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,417 Are you kidding me? 260 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,298 You 80-story sky raper! 261 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,720 Excuse me, Teddy. 262 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,431 May I speak to you over here for a moment? 263 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,224 Now? Thank you. 264 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,562 Teddy, we talked about this. 265 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,608 - I'm sorry, sir. - The only reason you were hired 266 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:31,026 is because Mr. Tanz told me you were the best, and because... 267 00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,695 Because of my court-ordered chemical castration. 268 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,614 That's right. 269 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,487 This doin' anything for you? 270 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,489 Right there? You like that? 271 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,696 Not even a little tickle? Not even a little move? 272 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:44,143 - Jonie, you ready to head home? - Look, Jesus, Beth, I'm working! 273 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,534 Someone gets so cranky when he doesn't eat. 274 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:47,869 You're cranky. 275 00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,578 - I have Goldfish. - Thank you. 276 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,914 - I have string cheese, too... - I want Goldfish. 277 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,671 - Can I have some? - No. Get your own. 278 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,299 Well, it is such an honor to be here in... 279 00:09:57,388 --> 00:10:00,756 - Lurlene. - Um, Lurlene, and to shake hands 280 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,807 - with Mayor, um... Biscuit. - Biscuit. 281 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,851 Gosh. I didn't have my breakfast this morning, 282 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,146 I will admit, so that makes me quite hungry. 283 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,730 And I'll tell ya something, um, it's not the... 284 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,437 No, I don't want this... The first time in politics 285 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,272 that I've had to shake hands 286 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,927 with a complete dog. 287 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,943 Madam President, how do you respond to people 288 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,902 sick and tired of politicians offering nothing 289 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:25,080 but "thoughts and prayers" when it comes to mass shootings? 290 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,830 Um, well, uh... 291 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:33,707 My heart goes out to the families of the victims, 292 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,339 and I want to offer them my, uh... Um... 293 00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,010 - Mindfulness - Mmm. 294 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:42,135 and, uh, meditations... 295 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:44,968 - Unto the Lord, on their behalf... - Mmm. 296 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,164 - Mike McLintock. BuzzFeed magazine... - I know who you are. 297 00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:48,804 - ...print edition... - Okay. 298 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,981 - Madam President. Now, will... - Yes. 299 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,067 Sorry, this is a menu. 300 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,337 - All right - Hold on a second. 301 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,797 Great question, Mike. Uh, that's all the time 302 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:55,881 - we have, folks. - Yeah. 303 00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:57,633 The president looks forward to continuing to meet with 304 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,635 the good people of Iowa as she contemplates the future. 305 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,178 - Thank you so much, everybody. - Thank you. 306 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,784 Mike, I really need you to post 307 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,362 at least 10 pieces a day to the site. 308 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,642 You know, when you say "a day," do you mean a day a day? 309 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,453 - Hi. - Hi. 310 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:15,790 - Mike. Workin' for the enemy, huh? - Yeah. My new gig. 311 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:18,092 - It's really nice to see you, Mike. - Yeah. 312 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:22,096 I've been meaning to email ya. 313 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,720 Google always filters out my emails, they think I'm a bot. 314 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:28,052 Yeah. Well, Ellen's doin' good. She's learnin' Mandarin. 315 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,604 You know, we night even adopt another, uh, kid. 316 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,147 "Lurlene." I mean... 317 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,600 Even the name sounds like it's on meth. 318 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,937 Who in their right mind would live in this ashtray's anus? 319 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,791 Well, me. I was lucky enough to be born here. 320 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,573 What? You are from Lurlene? 321 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,637 I just didn't want to brag. "Boasters are roasters," 322 00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,139 my Grandma Splett would always say. 323 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,995 She had a form of rhyming dementia. 324 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,868 It's called Lyndrome Syndrome. 325 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,950 - Really? - I'll bet she made that up. 326 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:54,628 Oh, okay. It's showtime at the baby Apollo. Let's go. 327 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,706 Hey, Richard, is chocolate bad for dogs? 328 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,916 - Oh, no, not bad. Deadly. - Okay. What? 329 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:00,501 Hello, Lurlene. 330 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,883 Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns. 331 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,839 But they're both equally good people. 332 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,814 Isn't there some way they can both be president? 333 00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:08,852 Fortunately, no. 334 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,894 No! Little Richard, don't pull Mommy's hair. 335 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,346 "That's not our plan," Mother. 336 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,976 All right, fine. Here. Take it. 337 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,338 Madam President, will you be announcing your candidacy today? 338 00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:19,319 No. I mean, that's not our plan. 339 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,021 What? You're not planning on running? 340 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,739 I've always been a big fan of Selina Meyer's, 341 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,057 but it's time for some new blood. 342 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,788 Is this what I came to Iowa for? 343 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,810 - It's everywhere, ma'am. - Well, except BuzzFeed. 344 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,201 They led with the story about the dog mayor in a coma. 345 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,295 - Oh, my gosh. - Ma'am, please don't make Catherine 346 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,752 feel any worse than she already does. She's suffering from... 347 00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:42,175 - I know. Postpartum depression. - Catherine has postpartum depression? 348 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,740 - I didn't notice anything. - I thought she was in a good mood. 349 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,924 Ma'am, we have to announce immediately to counter this. 350 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,762 Why not announce at the Statue of Liberty? 351 00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:50,496 - You love standing next to ugly women. - Yes! 352 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,763 Okay, call Senator Talbot, see if she can introduce me. 353 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,334 'Cause we could use the color, don't ya think? 354 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:56,940 Could I get a quote for my article? 355 00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:59,109 God damn it, what is Mike doing in here? 356 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,438 And why does he have a good idea now that he's not working for us? 357 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,635 Does anybody have time to sit for an interview real quick? 358 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,525 - A blurbicle? - No. Get out of here. 359 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,532 I'll go announce at a white supremacist compound if I have to. 360 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,284 There gotta be tons of them around here. 361 00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,707 Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho. Iowa is mostly meth labs. 362 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,830 Well, that's mainly just a difference in branding. 363 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,084 Uh-oh, there's our new leader. - Keith Quinn in da house! 364 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:22,507 Okay, well, screw your wigs on tight, Team Dipshit, 365 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,927 you're about to see how a campaign is really... 366 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,431 - No, that's not him. - What do you mean? 367 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,077 - I mean that's not him. - It's not him. 368 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,636 - That's Keith Quinn. - No, that is not Keith Quinn. 369 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,062 - Not him. - Ma'am, it is him. 370 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,014 I thought Keith Quinn was someone else! 371 00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,350 - Someone else. - It is not my job 372 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:42,687 to know what Keith Quinn does or does not look like! 373 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,487 - Amy... - Ma'am, look who's here. 374 00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:45,906 - Keith! - Yes! 375 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,154 - Keith Quinn! - That's me! 376 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:51,032 And I'm so just amazed to see you. 377 00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:52,558 I was shocked to get the call to come here. 378 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,574 - I bet. - But so happy. 379 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,080 I want, uh, Kent to show you where your office is. 380 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,605 - Oh, sure. - It's gonna be right next to mine. 381 00:13:58,629 --> 00:13:59,836 I hope that's okay with you. 382 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,026 Where else would it be? I'm the campaign manager, right? 383 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,916 Yeah. 384 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,343 And I want you to whip everybody into shape. 385 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,055 - Okay... Good. - Brought all my whips! 386 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,633 But let me just say thank you so much. 387 00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:15,344 - Oh... - This is a really big step up for me. 388 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,179 Oh... Oh... 389 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,043 - Right this way, Mr. Quinn. - Welcome, welcome, welcome! 390 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,434 Thank you! Fire him. 391 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,938 He's deader than democracy, ma'am. 392 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,817 Wait a minute. No! The press cannot know 393 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,398 that we've made another mistake. 394 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,404 I'm so sorry. What's happening? 395 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,076 Amy hired the wrong guy. 396 00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,869 So who's running the campaign? 397 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,571 - Keith Quinn, obviously, Amy. - Okay. 398 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,373 But he cannot know that I've never seen him before 399 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,996 in my entire life! 400 00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,623 So everyone's gonna report to Ben, 401 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,705 he's gonna be the secret campaign manager. 402 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,756 Congratulations, Mr. Cafferty. 403 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:48,301 My thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Spokane. 404 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,845 What happened today was a tragedy. 405 00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,843 But here is the hard truth, 406 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,141 sometimes hotshot lacrosse players 407 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,436 who think they own the cafeteria can bring this on themselves. 408 00:14:57,522 --> 00:14:59,809 Congressman, will your wife be joining you today? 409 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,310 Uh, no, not today. Just me. 410 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,761 Will she be joining you at the senior center this afternoon? 411 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:07,109 No, so stop asking questions about my wife. It's not like I murdered her. 412 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:08,958 - Is your wife okay? - Look, I challenge you. 413 00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:11,470 Go ahead. Try to find one thing that's wrong with my marriage. 414 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,827 Send out your top guys, have 'em follow me around. 415 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,266 - Did you marry your stepsister? - God damn it. Who told you? 416 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,828 Is Beth Hennick's father your stepfather, Lloyd Hennick? 417 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,331 - I married my half-sister. - No, stepsister! 418 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,253 Whichever one, when I bone her 419 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,456 she doesn't give birth to a pile of legs or whatever. 420 00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,337 You know what? If you wanna attack somebody, 421 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,793 attack my cousin Ezra. 422 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:30,718 He's the one who fingered her in high school. 423 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:33,263 We wanna thank the firefighters, the real heroes! 424 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,591 Amy, I put off getting an abortion once, 425 00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:36,801 and now I've got Joaquin. 426 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,247 I thought if I just talked to Dan, then... 427 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,271 Shh! 428 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,644 Fuck my parents! I thought Kent snapped. 429 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:44,558 - Not today. - Staff meeting. 430 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,004 Why can't we do it in the conference room? 431 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,940 Because, Amy, your hire, Keith Quinn, 432 00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:50,898 is in the conference room having what he thinks is a staff meeting, 433 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,053 but we're actually having the real staff meeting in here. 434 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,739 - Meyer for president. - Oh, boy. 435 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,661 I really thought my 50s would be about me 436 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,892 fuckin' and suckin' my way through the Shorenstein Center. 437 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,769 - You and me both, ma'am. - Ma'am, we need to pick 438 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,125 a location for your announcement. 439 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,577 Can you text Gary, please? 440 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:05,357 He's been gone for an hour. I need that smoothie. 441 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:06,381 Yeah. 442 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,798 - Ma'am, I've got it. - Okay. 443 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,750 We do your announcement where you historically 444 00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:12,507 announced your first run for the presidency nine years ago. 445 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:13,883 Um... 446 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,464 Susan B. Anthony's birthplace? 447 00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:16,969 - Oh. - I love it. 448 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:18,800 - What is in this? - Bourbon and Smartwater. 449 00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,306 Woman, hero, suffragette, 450 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,388 bringing the Selina Meyer story full circle. 451 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,895 - Yes. - You know what? I kinda love it. 452 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,879 - Okay, we'll figure it out in the air. - Yeah, yes. 453 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,213 - And not a word of this leaks. - No. 454 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:29,423 - Did you text Gary? - I did. 455 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:32,440 There was a shooting at a Home Depot and they closed the interstate. 456 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,149 Jesus, Mary and Jamba Juice! 457 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,825 I really wanted that smoothie. 458 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,639 - I know you did. - Hey! Where's everybody goin'? 459 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,996 She loves what you're doing. Just keep on crackin'. 460 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,791 Okay. 461 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:45,164 Oh, hey, I'm still waitin' on that Wi-Fi password. 462 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,416 I haven't eaten all day. 463 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,193 Ma'am, any comment on the latest shooting? 464 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,583 It's an absolute outrage. 465 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,463 I mean, frankly, somebody needs to do 466 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:53,885 something about these shootings 467 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:56,634 because I cannot take any more of this. 468 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,681 Powerful words. 469 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,607 Check this out. Connecting rooms. 470 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,421 Well, they got me bunkin' with Gary. 471 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,964 You should see all of Selina's dresses in here. 472 00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,524 At least I hope they're hers. 473 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:13,981 I'm thinking of having this baby, 474 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,941 and I'm not asking anything of you, 475 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,513 literally nothing, but I do want the baby 476 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,680 to know that you're the father. 477 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,286 But I don't want your last name 478 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,080 because I've always loved the name Meagan 479 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,435 and I don't want people to think 480 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,075 that I was going for Mee-gan Ee-gan 481 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,855 because that sounds like someone who gets ass-fucked 482 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,586 on the Major Deegan in a limerick. 483 00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:31,841 Whoa. 484 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,089 I like the name Meagan, too. 485 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,677 Although the Deegan's always congested. So... 486 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,680 Yeah, the Cross Bronx is much better for butt stuff. 487 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,222 Okay, well, just sleep on it, or whatever. 488 00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:48,056 - Okay, good night, Dan. - Night, Amy... 489 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:50,938 - Ugh. - Oh! 490 00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:53,862 Why do I have to tell people why I want to be president? 491 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:56,031 I mean, I don't want to hear about their jobs. 492 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,700 These are toxic. I'm gonna throw them out. 493 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,903 Ooh, ooh, ooh, I've been wanting to ask you, 494 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,286 have you seen how Amy is hovering over Dan? I think they're hookin' up. 495 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,368 Dan is not dippin' his pen in that ink stain. 496 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:11,375 Plus, she's getting kinda fat in the front. Did you see that? 497 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:13,707 It is literally all I can think about. 498 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,802 Ugh... 499 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,297 - Hey, Gary. - Mmm-hmm? 500 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,471 Why would you want to be president? 501 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,389 To give it to you, of course. 502 00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,808 Oh, that's good. God. 503 00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:27,478 I know what I want to say, but I can't find the words. 504 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,932 What if you talk and I type? How about that? 505 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,795 You just say it out loud, and then I'll just type it. 506 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,880 - How about that? - Okay. Yeah. Let's try that. Okay. 507 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:37,193 - Great, great, great. This is fun. - Well, from the time I was a girl... 508 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,616 "From the time I was a pretty girl..." 509 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:40,818 - No, not pretty girl. - No. 510 00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,368 "From the time I was a girl." 511 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,616 But you're so pretty. 512 00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:45,538 I know. 513 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,992 But anyway, I have fought... 514 00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,042 - Oh, good. Good. - ...every day... 515 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,086 - So good. - ...to make America a... 516 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,916 - A very good place. - No, don't finish my sentences. 517 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,361 I thought that's where you were going. 518 00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:57,446 You don't know where I'm going. 519 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,470 To the White House! 520 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,115 You know what I would like to tell people, 521 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,552 - but obviously I can't? - Say it here. 522 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,178 - I should be president... - Yeah? 523 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,887 ...because it is my goddamn turn! 524 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,142 - I was the game-changer... - Yep. 525 00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,474 I took a dump on the glass ceiling, 526 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:15,732 and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club. 527 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,858 - Muff. - But for three years 528 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,406 Hughes kept me chained to a radiator... 529 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,325 - Mmm. - ...in some basement in Cleveland. 530 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:26,246 So as far as I'm concerned, America owes me 531 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,166 an eight-year stay in the White House, 532 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:32,164 and this time, I want a war! 533 00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,995 Yes! 534 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:37,044 All right. Do you want me to read that back? 535 00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:39,171 - Oh, we can't use any of that. - Oh. 536 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,753 I mean, it sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich. 537 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,304 Like Evita! 538 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,599 Okay, just put down something about how I want to give 539 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,267 the American people a better deal 540 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:48,685 or some fuckin' crap like that. 541 00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:50,103 That's very Kennedy-esque. 542 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,397 John, not Teddy. 543 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,063 Or the rapey one. 544 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,519 Or the one that killed that little girl. 545 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:00,651 Amy? 546 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,949 Hey, can I come in? 547 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,652 - I need to talk to you. - Come in. 548 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,697 Hey. Um, just a quick heads-up, 549 00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:10,143 you might want to keep this door closed. 550 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:11,283 I'm gonna fuck Mike's boss. 551 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,538 My spidey sense tells me 552 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:15,211 she's gonna yelp like a seagull in a bread factory. So... 553 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,877 Yeah. 554 00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,425 Stick it in there good, pal. 555 00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:22,343 Only way I know how. 556 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,393 That lobby bar better be open! 557 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:35,016 I'm gonna have it all by my fucking self! 558 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,560 What is she talking about? 559 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,815 Probably a cheesecake or something. 560 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,947 You said it, not me. 561 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,990 All right, nighty-night. 562 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,616 Oh, shoot. 563 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,163 Hey, Dan. 564 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,785 It's your roomie, Gary. 565 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,367 Uh, I forgot my key. 566 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,000 Hey, Dan? 567 00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,710 My heart medicine's in there. 568 00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,762 Oh, good, there you are. 569 00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:14,938 Okay. I need coffee and any kind of egg-white frittata. Okay? 570 00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:16,835 Put your jacket on. This isn't a homeless shelter. 571 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,816 Yeah. 572 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,728 Hmm. 573 00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,859 Oh, Ames. Ames. Hey, uh... 574 00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:28,702 Listen, 575 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,700 I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy 576 00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,827 to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker 577 00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,909 struggling to pay off her college loans, you know? 578 00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,709 I appreciate the soul-searching. 579 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:38,565 But if you wanna go Dutch or whatever on the abortion, 580 00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,455 just hit me up on Venmo, okay? 581 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,381 Oh, and you know what? Make it public, okay? 582 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:43,468 Shows I'm a gentleman. 583 00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:49,597 - Oh, thanks, guys! - We love you, Selina! 584 00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:53,472 Wow! This place has feminine symbolism 585 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,928 spurtin' out of its dickhole. 586 00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:57,514 All right, boys, let's go launch this rocket. 587 00:21:57,608 --> 00:21:59,669 Let's just hope it's the Columbia and not the Challenger. 588 00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:01,650 Both exploded, killing all aboard. 589 00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:03,697 Okay, whatever. The one without the schoolteacher. 590 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:07,653 What is going on here? Where is the stage? 591 00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:09,721 This was all supposed to be done like six hours ago. 592 00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,097 And, I mean, the tents aren't even here. 593 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,517 Well, I'm guessin' those were supposed to be put up four or five hours ago. 594 00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:14,701 You want the stages up first. 595 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:16,366 Ma'am, it... 596 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:18,326 - It turns out back in 2008... - Yeah? 597 00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:21,913 ...your campaign did not pay the bill for your announcement. 598 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:24,249 - I... I... - I want you to meet Nick Spooner, 599 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,183 - uh, he owns the tent company. - Okay. 600 00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:28,754 - Hello, Mr. Spooner. - Spooner. 601 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:31,761 If you could just set up the stage, it... 602 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,969 Your Honor, I totally respect your office 603 00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:36,873 - and your service to this country... - Thank you. 604 00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:39,017 ...as former Commander-in-Chief of the armed services. 605 00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:40,519 Well, it's my pleasure. Thank you. 606 00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:42,396 And I want to say that I love America. 607 00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:44,443 - Mmm-hmm. - However, 608 00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,317 I am sick and tired 609 00:22:46,407 --> 00:22:48,023 of these hoity-toity people, 610 00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:49,824 - like yourself... - Oh, okay. 611 00:22:49,910 --> 00:22:53,654 ...prancing in here with this la-dee-da attitude 612 00:22:53,747 --> 00:22:55,329 and total disregard 613 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:56,935 - for the working-class people... - Right. 614 00:22:56,959 --> 00:22:58,416 ...of this country, like myself. 615 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:00,209 Truth to power. Good for you. 616 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,208 My aide, Mr. Walsh, 617 00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:03,960 would like to speak with you... 618 00:23:04,049 --> 00:23:06,587 - Yes, yes, yes. - Your aide? Uh, yeah. 619 00:23:06,677 --> 00:23:08,339 Your hat is so fun. 620 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,591 The "B." Have you been to Barbuda? 621 00:23:10,681 --> 00:23:13,344 Can we just pay this townie and get on with it, please? 622 00:23:13,434 --> 00:23:15,551 It's too late now. The press is already arriving. 623 00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:19,103 So the national press is now arriving 624 00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:23,024 to this giant metaphor for 625 00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:25,477 a clusterfuck of a campaign. 626 00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:26,812 Actually, it's a synecdoche. 627 00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:29,398 Technically, it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck. 628 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:34,077 If I ever needed a miracle, it is right now. 629 00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:37,122 Uh, ma'am, there's been a mass shooting in a mall in Phoenix. 630 00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:38,602 Twenty-seven people have been killed. 631 00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:40,208 - Oh, my God. - Oh... 632 00:23:45,549 --> 00:23:47,256 Oh! 633 00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:50,211 This can work for us? 634 00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:52,421 Yes, because we couldn't possibly announce now 635 00:23:52,514 --> 00:23:54,176 out of respect for the victims. 636 00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:57,471 Halle-fucking-lujah! 637 00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:59,553 Praise the rational equivalent of Jesus, 638 00:23:59,647 --> 00:24:02,481 what Bonhoeffer would call the spirit of beloved community. 639 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,525 We have to send that shooter a nice thank-you card. 640 00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:07,589 Actually, he shot himself before he could be apprehended. 641 00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:08,899 I'll send something to his wife. 642 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:10,150 Actually, he shot her first. 643 00:24:10,324 --> 00:24:12,510 I am literally shaking from this. 644 00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:13,741 I can't believe it! 645 00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:14,827 Hey, guys! 646 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:19,410 This is our chance to get in front of the marriage story, 647 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:20,660 - shape the narrative. - Okay. 648 00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:21,995 All right. 649 00:24:22,086 --> 00:24:24,203 Whoa. What was that? 650 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,583 I'm just adjusting your mic. 651 00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:29,007 I was chemically castrated, remember? 652 00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,887 As adults, you met again 653 00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:36,715 - at Nancy's father's funeral? - Right. 654 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,175 He was just so tall 655 00:24:38,268 --> 00:24:40,555 that I fell in love with him that night. 656 00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:43,855 And, um, two months later we were married. 657 00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:46,649 In a normal marriage. 658 00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,522 Not weird or disgusting at all. 659 00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:49,612 Normal. 660 00:24:49,697 --> 00:24:51,654 So what would you say to someone who might ask, 661 00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:55,199 "How can they marry? They're step-siblings." 662 00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:57,197 I'm not her brother, and I never was. 663 00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:58,823 Except for that one year. 664 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:00,496 It's exactly what Woody Allen did. 665 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,824 I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is, 666 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:04,659 and if you're gonna criticize us, 667 00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,621 then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen 668 00:25:07,715 --> 00:25:09,001 and the little Chinese girl. 669 00:25:09,091 --> 00:25:10,252 - Exactly. - Yeah. 670 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:12,675 I would like to offer my thoughts and prayers 671 00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:14,548 for the victims and their families. 672 00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:16,504 And I realize that there are those who say 673 00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:19,215 that thoughts and prayers aren't enough. 674 00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:21,392 - But prayer works, believe me. - Yes. 675 00:25:21,478 --> 00:25:22,764 It worked for me today. 676 00:25:22,855 --> 00:25:24,391 Amen. 677 00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:28,983 And... 678 00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:32,733 And this may not seem like the right time, 679 00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:36,237 but I have to say that I love this country. 680 00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,318 I think we all do. 681 00:25:38,412 --> 00:25:43,532 And I am sick and tired of all these hoity-toity people 682 00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:46,459 prancing around with their la-dee-da attitudes 683 00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:49,413 with complete disregard... 684 00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:52,169 Regard for the rights 685 00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:55,627 of normal, working-class men and women! 686 00:25:55,721 --> 00:25:56,928 Yeah! 687 00:25:57,014 --> 00:26:00,007 And that is why I wanna be President 688 00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:01,716 of the United States of America! 689 00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:05,391 And my candidacy begins 690 00:26:05,481 --> 00:26:07,473 right now! Thank you! 691 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,808 - Did you write that? - Yes. 692 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:12,610 This is the bill for Mr. Spooner, the old work plus today. 693 00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:14,278 Yeah. I'm not paying that. 694 00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:19,576 So, at the center of all of this emotional turmoil 695 00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:23,280 is Beth's father and Jonah's stepfather, 696 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,080 - Lloyd Hennick. - He was a monster. 697 00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:26,908 Mr. Hennick, would you join us, please? 698 00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:28,459 - Hi. - What? 699 00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:30,628 - Have a seat. - What is he doing here? 700 00:26:30,714 --> 00:26:32,192 - Did you know about this? - No. 701 00:26:32,216 --> 00:26:34,208 - Hi, Jonah. - "Oh, hi, Jonah." 702 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:35,792 Lloyd, is there anything 703 00:26:35,886 --> 00:26:38,219 you would like to say to your son... 704 00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:40,797 Your stepson, Jonah? 705 00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:43,474 Yes. Jonah, I have always tried to be there for you. 706 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,017 That's why I bought your first car 707 00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:46,936 and paid for all six years of college, champ! 708 00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:49,292 How come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick? 709 00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:50,557 You failed eighth grade math? 710 00:26:50,651 --> 00:26:52,267 You know, my mom never loved you. 711 00:26:52,361 --> 00:26:53,588 You know that? She told me that. 712 00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,228 Thanksgiving 1996. 713 00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:57,133 We'd love to have him back, you know, by himself. 714 00:26:57,157 --> 00:26:59,069 - It'd be great. - Eat a dick. 715 00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:00,970 Nancy, ever since the kids have gotten together, 716 00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:04,032 it's just reminded me of how much I miss you. 717 00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,285 - No! No, no, no! No! - Oh, I'm... 718 00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:08,162 Do not touch her! No! 719 00:27:08,252 --> 00:27:10,585 Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else. 720 00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:12,788 You are gonna die alone. Get up. No. Move over. 721 00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,818 - Do you want me to move? - Yes, you guys switch. 722 00:27:14,842 --> 00:27:16,333 How does this make you feel, Nancy, 723 00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:17,426 - with... - Well, it... 724 00:27:17,511 --> 00:27:18,551 It makes me feel terrible. 725 00:27:18,595 --> 00:27:19,927 I miss him! 726 00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:22,596 - I miss you! I miss you! - No, no, no! 727 00:27:22,683 --> 00:27:23,719 No, no, no, no, no, no. 728 00:27:23,809 --> 00:27:25,766 I'm gonna be president! I'm gonna be president! 729 00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:28,391 - I'm gonna be president! - What? 730 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,437 Actually, since this segment first aired, 731 00:27:30,524 --> 00:27:32,436 Jonah's numbers are up over 3%. 732 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:33,642 He's tapped into something. 733 00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,021 Yeah, his stepsister. 734 00:27:35,112 --> 00:27:36,273 Well, it's playing big with 735 00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:37,820 non-college-educated white males, 736 00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:40,148 and college-educated white males. 737 00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,108 Basically, white males. 738 00:27:42,202 --> 00:27:43,784 This entire country 739 00:27:43,871 --> 00:27:47,035 is getting more disgusting by the second. 740 00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:48,852 That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook. 741 00:27:48,876 --> 00:27:51,835 Okay, can we just talk about how I pulled 742 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,004 one of the all-time campaign announcements 743 00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:58,424 - out of my lily-white anus? - Kudos on that, Gary. 744 00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:00,155 - What? - The field could not be any clearer. 745 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:01,795 Ma'am, you need to see this. 746 00:28:01,889 --> 00:28:05,678 I believe that our country will always be a shining beacon of hope... 747 00:28:05,767 --> 00:28:07,579 - Oh, God, he looks good. - ...for our own people 748 00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,640 and those who will learn from our example. 749 00:28:09,730 --> 00:28:12,473 And that is why I would like to announce my candidacy for the office 750 00:28:12,566 --> 00:28:14,043 of President of the United States of America. 751 00:28:14,067 --> 00:28:17,902 That! Right there! That's the Keith Quinn I was talking about. 752 00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:19,904 Move! 58144

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