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1
00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:08,051
I've been thinking...
2
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,922
-Ugh.
-No.
-Again?
-No!
3
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:12,403
Previously on
"Kevin Can Himself"...
4
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,233
No!
5
00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:18,409
If I could start over,
and go somewhere else...
6
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:19,932
Sam.
7
00:00:19,976 --> 00:00:21,195
So, what did I miss
the last 15 years?
8
00:00:21,238 --> 00:00:22,544
What's this?
9
00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:24,633
We're moving.
10
00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,765
Wake the hell up.
The account's empty.
11
00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:29,072
We decided
we're staying.
12
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,334
We did?
13
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:44,087
So, this is, what?
Seven days in a row?
14
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:47,047
You're sweet to notice.
15
00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,961
It's my new ritual.
16
00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:51,486
A scone, a book,
and some peace.
17
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:52,922
Are you new to town?
18
00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,924
No.
Lived here all my life,
19
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:57,796
but I just never had
any time for myself.
20
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,798
But since
my husband passed...
21
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:02,366
Oh, I didn't realize.
22
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:04,151
I'm a widow.
23
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,109
How'd that happen?
24
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,154
Oh, I killed him.
25
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,593
Oh.
26
00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:13,116
Good for you, honey.
27
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,379
It's gotta be tough
not getting caught.
28
00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:16,902
How'd you do it?
29
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:25,476
I don't know
how I did it.
30
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:36,792
What the hell
is happening?!
31
00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:39,142
It's Belichick Hoodie Day!
32
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:42,014
-What?!
-It's Belichick Hoodie Day!
33
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,018
Oh, no.
34
00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:48,804
You okay, babe?
35
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,501
Definitely concussed.
36
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,808
And any other day,
that'd bother me.
37
00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:55,027
But not today!
38
00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:58,205
Don't you wanna
ask me why?
39
00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:01,033
Wh--
Because my genuine
Bill Belichick sweatshirt --
40
00:02:01,077 --> 00:02:03,166
cut at the sleeves
like a boss
41
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,168
and worn to at least two
Pats games --
42
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,388
is arriving today!
43
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:10,782
And, uh, how much you pay
for a torn hoodie?
44
00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,871
I cannot and will not
put a price
45
00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:16,005
on what the greatest coach
of all time means to me.
46
00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:19,835
Okay, well, what price did
the Internet put on it?
47
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:23,752
More than our wedding,
less than our car.
48
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:27,016
Oh! I was having
the nicest dream.
49
00:02:27,059 --> 00:02:28,974
Come on!
You can sleep anytime!
50
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:32,108
This is like
Christmas morning!
51
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,849
Okay, well, then,
where's my present?
52
00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:35,416
Your present?
53
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:39,028
Well, I'm the gift
that keeps on giving, baby!
54
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:41,857
Belichick Hoodie Day!
55
00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:06,969
I killed him.
56
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:50,317
Hey.
57
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:57,324
It's, uh --
It's Bill Belichick Hoodie Day.
58
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,108
Oh, yes.
59
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:00,849
But I celebrate
privately.
60
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,421
Well, have a good one.
61
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,651
Hey,
where's our breakfast?
62
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,697
You're not supposed
to have favorites.
63
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,176
Kevin's my husband.
64
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,570
Yeah, Neil,
breakfast is for family.
65
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:28,659
See, Kevin's the husband,
I'm the father-in-law.
66
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:29,791
Yeah,
and I'm like a brother.
67
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,314
No, you're more like
a cousin
68
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:34,317
who just got out of jail
for stalking.
69
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,972
And everyone's secretly kind of
hoping he goes back.
70
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,191
How is Keith?
Bad.
71
00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:40,715
Hey, babe?
72
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:42,020
Can you go see
if my package is here yet?
73
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,239
Can't you do it?
74
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,373
I'm in the middle
of something.
75
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:49,593
Aw, man, I really need
this hoodie.
76
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,682
The old self-esteem took
a real hit this week
77
00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,555
when the camera
on my phone flipped to face me.
78
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,208
So many chins.
79
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:59,211
That's just baby fat,
bro.
80
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,475
Thanks, brother.
81
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:05,217
Well, I checked,
and no package yet.
82
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,655
Ugh!
This is taking forever!
83
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:10,788
What sins did I commit
in a past life to deserve this?
84
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,703
Past life?
85
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:17,012
Hon, you know what happens
when you try to be funny.
86
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:20,929
Kev, I think I hear a delivery
truck coming down the street.
87
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:22,713
Now he can get up.
88
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,933
Aw, man,
it's just an ambulance!
89
00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:26,630
-On our street?
-Please don't be for me.
90
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:29,894
Please don't be for me.
91
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:32,854
Hey, the new neighbors
have packages on their stoop.
92
00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:34,377
What gives?
93
00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:36,031
I saw her moving in,
and I am not a fan.
94
00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:37,946
Bad vibes there, bro.
95
00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:39,251
Ooh, bad neighbors.
96
00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:42,254
What would that be like?
97
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:43,908
You trying to
be funny again?
98
00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:45,823
No.
99
00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,564
Good.
100
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,392
And Neil's
probably right.
101
00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,091
I went over there
to be neighborly.
102
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:54,397
Uh-huh.
You know, make sure
they know
103
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,660
who's the alpha
on the street.
104
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:59,707
Hope you also told 'em
who's the beta.
105
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,012
And you know what they said
when I asked them
106
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,058
what their
favorite football team was?
107
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:04,276
Manchester United.
108
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:05,756
Boo!
Hiss!
109
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,455
-Football is football.
-I mean, really,
110
00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:10,195
is nothing sacred?
111
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,485
Hi. I was hoping
to do s--
112
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:24,008
Hey, there's no eating
in here.
113
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:26,141
This is a "liberry."
114
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,838
Of course.
Sorry.
115
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,449
Um...
116
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:37,152
Um, you want a napkin?
117
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:38,806
Oh, no, I'm fine.
118
00:07:38,849 --> 00:07:42,418
Um, I was hoping to do
some computer research.
119
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,203
I'm writing a book.
Mm.
120
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:47,989
It's a romance novel,
actually.
121
00:07:48,032 --> 00:07:50,992
It's about a woman
who's sad.
122
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:54,561
She's very sad, and she just
wasted the last 10 years
123
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:57,564
of her life
on this terrible marriage.
124
00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:59,522
Very pathetic.
125
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,916
It's very depressing
in the beginning, but, um --
126
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,572
But then, one day,
she realizes what she wants --
127
00:08:05,615 --> 00:08:07,748
truly -- and she has
this brilliant plan.
128
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,446
She keeps playing
perfect housewife,
129
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,579
but in the meantime --Affair with her neighbor?
130
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:13,580
What?
131
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:15,799
No.
132
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:19,020
She decides
to kill her husband.
133
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:21,718
Why wouldn't
she just leave?
134
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,199
Leave?
135
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,549
Like it's easy?
136
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,421
Like he'd just let her
take the $194 she has
137
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,032
and buy a bus ticket
to Jersey?
138
00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:32,424
What -- No.
What would she do?
139
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,383
Sleep on the street?
140
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,776
No, he'd find her anyway.
141
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:38,561
And maybe she doesn't want
to leave.
142
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,954
Maybe this isn't about
leaving at all.
143
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:43,610
Maybe she wants him dead,
and he deserves it.
144
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:46,700
How is that romantic?
145
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,353
It's aspirational.
146
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:54,316
Computers are in back.
147
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,926
Thank you.
148
00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:51,503
Hi. Excuse me?
149
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:52,983
Sir?
150
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:57,031
Um, sir?
151
00:09:57,074 --> 00:10:02,384
Hey, sorry, um,
how did you get past the, uh --
152
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,603
the firewall?
153
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,912
Sorry, excuse me?
154
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:09,870
Hey.
155
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,741
Oh!
156
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:16,441
Oh, shit.
157
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:17,704
Uh --
158
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:29,324
You okay?
159
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,761
Um... I don't know.
160
00:10:31,805 --> 00:10:34,329
I've never found
a dead body before,
161
00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:36,287
so I don't really know
if I did it right.
162
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,941
"Did it right"?
163
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,595
Well, I just didn't realize
I'd be so rattled.
164
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,249
Better than being used
to it.
165
00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:43,077
By now,
an OD is welcome.
166
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,514
At least oxys
aren't a mess.
167
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:48,343
We got this call once --
300-pound dude,
168
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:50,475
dead in his fourth floor
walk-up for like five months.
169
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,260
Wait,
this guy overdosed?
170
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,696
Yeah.
171
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,177
But he was wearing
a Patagonia vest.
172
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:58,527
-Okay?
-Well, he could afford
to shop at REI.
173
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,181
He wasn't living
on the street.
174
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:03,097
Yeah, there's no type
for this sort of thing anymore.
175
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,360
All kinds of people OD.
176
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,709
Really?
177
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,363
Sure.
178
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:09,581
So...
179
00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,801
like, anyone c--
180
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:17,154
Garbage men, cable guys,
could be on oxys?
181
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:19,461
Yeah, grandmas,
frat kids.
182
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:22,377
Three of my cousins.
183
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:25,119
I don't remember the last time
I was shocked by an oxy OD.
184
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,599
But that 300-pound dude
leaking through the ceiling?
185
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,428
That was a surprise.
186
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,169
So, how'd you do it?
187
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:35,129
I killed him with oxycodone
and made it look like an OD.
188
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:36,608
Brilliant.
189
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,313
Hello, Allison.
190
00:11:45,356 --> 00:11:46,749
Hi, Dr. Gaetz.
191
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,056
Thank you for, uh,
seeing me so quickly.
192
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,754
Of course. Kev carried
the bowling team on Thursday.
193
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,756
I owe him one.
Ah.
194
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,976
So, uh, first up, we're gonna
get your height and weight,
195
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:57,978
and then we'll --Oh, do we have to?
196
00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,676
'Cause I'm just -- I'm just here
with some back trouble.
197
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,678
Yep. Still need your height
and weight.
198
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,941
-Come on.
-Take off my shoes.
199
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,551
It really doesn't matter.
200
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,778
So, you're having
some back pain.
201
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:20,478
Yeah, um, lower back, mostly,
on the right-hand side.
202
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:24,265
I have to, uh, carry a lot
of boxes at the package store,
203
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:26,833
and it think I must have just
kind of tweaked last week
204
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,661
carrying a box of Olde E
onto the hand truck.
205
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,057
I know I should wear a brace,
but I have a hard time
206
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,190
admitting when I need help.
207
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:45,852
My, uh --
My Uncle Chu--
208
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:49,029
Well, you know Chuck.
209
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,466
Um, he has a slipped disc,
210
00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,860
and said that there's some pills
that, um,
211
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,600
seem to be
really helping him.
212
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,305
Allison.
Mm-hmm?
213
00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:07,743
You know,
pain medication,
214
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,397
it's not given out
lightly.
215
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,791
Yeah, no, I --
Yeah, and I --
216
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,314
I wouldn't expect
that you --
217
00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:15,490
They're only given out
for people in real pain.
218
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:18,667
Of course.
219
00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:22,845
These types of pills
get abused very often.
220
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,195
Yeah, I've heard.
221
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:28,503
I've -- I've heard that is --
It's awful.
222
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,464
Yeah.
Ugh, yeah, yeah, right.
223
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:34,901
I am --
I'm fine, and I don't
224
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,859
want to get mixed up in all --
all that.
225
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:39,906
I haven't even tried
acupuncture yet, so --
226
00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:42,560
You talk to Kevin
about this?
227
00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:44,954
Uh, about my back?
228
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,087
I'm sure he'd want to chat
about it --
229
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:50,133
your..."pain."
230
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,918
I could call him with you
if you'd like--
231
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,571
No, no, no.
232
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,747
I -- I don't want to
bother him with all that.
233
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:57,053
I am -- I'm fine.
234
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,750
Allison.
235
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:01,666
I think what you really need
is to talk to someone.
236
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,843
Maybe not Kevin,
but a --
237
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,236
a girlfriend or a --
a book club.
238
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,369
You got a book club
where you sit around
239
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,588
with wine
and chat about things?
240
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,547
Eh, not really.
241
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,550
Well, maybe a coworker.
242
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,465
Before you try...
243
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,467
acupuncture,
244
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:20,903
I think
you need to talk.
245
00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:28,868
That'll be $75
for today's visit.
246
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:31,914
Yeah, sure.
247
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,797
You know, if you're looking
for a good person --
248
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,887
someone to talk to --
I know someone.
249
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,105
Great with this sort of thing.
250
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,585
-A-A professional.
-No, thanks.
251
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,674
I don't do therapy.
252
00:14:52,717 --> 00:14:55,198
It's worth considering.
253
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:57,635
Yeah, well, just the thought
of paying a stranger
254
00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,420
to listen to me complain --
I --
255
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,030
I-It's not like that.
256
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,858
Well, it's just,
it's not for me.
257
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,207
I swear, she helped
my sister-in-law.
258
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:05,600
Same thing.
Alright?
259
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:06,949
Needed a little something
for herself.
260
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:07,776
Maybe not the greatest
marriage --
261
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:09,386
Oh. Thank you.
262
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:36,718
Oh. Ugh.
263
00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:39,677
No, no.
I got it.
264
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,028
Yeah, I'm --
I'm not sure why I'm the one
265
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,856
hauling all the boxes
back and forth.
266
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,815
Even though I got
15 years on you.
267
00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:49,165
-It's fine.
Sorry.
268
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:52,299
Uh, my back's been hurting
a little bit.
269
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:54,866
How's Uncle Chuck's back
been doing, by the way?
270
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,043
Uh, well, you know.
271
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,261
Waiting for
the insurance company
272
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,394
to approve the surgery
on his bulging disc,
273
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:03,484
and still saying
the procedure's "experimental."
274
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,007
I mean,
they know he needs it.
275
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,008
I don't know what
the big experiment is.
276
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,488
So...
Right.
277
00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:09,794
He's pretty much laid up
asking for meatball subs
278
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:11,666
and whiskey rocks
from the couch.
279
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:14,712
But it's fine.
280
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:17,367
You still, uh, dole out
his pain meds, or...?
281
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,195
Ugh.
282
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,805
Chuck says it makes him
feel like a child,
283
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,633
having me be in charge
of him, so...
284
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:24,026
Yeah.
285
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,375
He insists he can
handle it himself
286
00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,160
and I don't wanna
argue anymore.
287
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:31,686
Allison.
288
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,601
Huh?
289
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:35,690
Are you giving up?
290
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:39,302
Uh, how do you mean?
291
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,303
B--
292
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:44,264
What's going on here?
293
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:45,743
Oh, uh --
294
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:48,398
You like like
10 miles of bad highway.
295
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:51,445
It's, uh, actually
my new favorite.
296
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,708
Oh, it --
it's got stains.
297
00:16:53,751 --> 00:16:55,318
I know.
298
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,581
I like 'em.
299
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,540
Okay.
300
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:02,673
Thing is...this sweatshirt
is actually a--
301
00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:05,589
I mean, you've got a good shape
going on under all of that.
302
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,678
Don't just
let yourself go.
303
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:10,681
It's not fair to Kev
to just give up.
304
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:14,337
Not fair to Kev?
305
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:17,210
Look, I should be wearing
orthopedic shoes
306
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:19,081
from Hawley Lane
for my plantars,
307
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,170
but Chuck says they make me
look like a night nurse
308
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:22,780
coming in
to change his diaper.
309
00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:24,173
Mm.
So what do I do?
310
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,306
I go over to Target,
I get myself nice flats.
311
00:17:26,349 --> 00:17:29,526
I deal with my arches
on my own time.
312
00:17:29,570 --> 00:17:31,789
Okay, well, you know you don't
have to do that, right?
313
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,314
'Cause that's --
that's crazy.
314
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:35,489
No, honey.
315
00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:38,666
That's marriage.
316
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:43,366
Uh, h-h-has Kev
seen this new look?
317
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,673
-No.
-Oh, good.
318
00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:47,109
No, I just wear this here.
319
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,589
Oh.'Cause I -- I get cold.
320
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,547
Yeah, yeah.
321
00:17:50,591 --> 00:17:52,767
Well, okay.
322
00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:55,161
I'll pick up a space heater
from Lowe's.
323
00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:56,901
Warm you right up.
324
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:37,551
Ugh.
325
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:38,856
...the minute I saw them!
326
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,294
They took it!
I know they did!
327
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:43,731
-What's going on here?
-Oh!
328
00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:45,994
I've got a terrible feeling
about something.
329
00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:48,170
Let's check it out,
shall we?
330
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:50,520
Alexer?
Where's my stuff?
331
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:55,438
What the hell?
It works for you!
332
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:56,613
Well,
it's not "Alexer."
333
00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:58,441
It's "Alexa."
334
00:18:58,485 --> 00:18:59,747
That's what I'm saying.
335
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,357
Alexer.
336
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:04,012
Alexer,
where's my stuff?
337
00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:07,581
What am I doing wrong?!
338
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,757
Speaking English.
339
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,977
Okay, try this.
Say "Alexer."
340
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,631
Alexa.
341
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,198
There ya go.
342
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:18,983
Alexa,
where's my stuff?
343
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:22,465
One shipment was
delivered for Kevin today.
344
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,250
Foul play!
345
00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:26,252
My Belichick hoodie --
the closest thing
346
00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,645
I have to a child --
was stolen!
347
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,125
Ugh.
You don't want children.
348
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,040
Remember?
You said it pulls focus
349
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,433
from what really matters
in life --
350
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:35,086
your needs.
351
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,698
That sweatshirt was gonna be
my test case --
352
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,656
my pride and joy.
353
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,920
Instead, it's probably stuffed
in the neighbor's closet.
354
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:46,272
All cold and alone.
355
00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:49,710
Not even knowing
I'm trying to find it.
356
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:51,451
It knows, Kev.
357
00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:54,280
Damn foreigners
are tearing my boy apart!
358
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,717
Pete, you blame hurricanes
on foreigners.
359
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,284
Are you sure it's them?
360
00:19:58,327 --> 00:20:00,938
Maybe it was just a mistake
with the mailman.
361
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:03,593
Allison,
whose side are you on?
362
00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:05,726
Sanity's.
363
00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:09,251
Well, it's obvious
what has to be done.
364
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,253
Set UPS on fire.
365
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:14,474
-No.
-Set the neighbors on fire.
366
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,345
No!
367
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:19,696
Neil, we don't let you
do fire anymore, remember?
368
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:21,132
I know.
369
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:23,004
But still...
370
00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:24,832
the flame...
371
00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:28,531
she calls to me.
372
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,534
We have to have
a Revolutionary War reboot!
373
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,144
I love a reboot.
374
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:35,451
This is almost as good
as the new "CHiPs"!
375
00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,366
Rebels versus Redcoats.
376
00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:41,109
Stealing that sweatshirt was
as bad as the Boston Massacre.
377
00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:42,980
Worse!
378
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:45,722
You guys said the same thing
about cinnamon gum.
379
00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:48,421
It's too hot.
380
00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:51,772
Gum is meant to be minty
and refreshing.
381
00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:52,773
It's on!
382
00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,383
Pat, go to the salon.
383
00:20:54,427 --> 00:20:55,558
Get those leftover
Roman candles.
384
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:57,212
-We're gonna need ammo.
-Roger that.
385
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,214
You left the fireworks
at the salon?
386
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,911
There's so many times
I wanted to use them!
387
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:04,524
We don't let you
do fire anymore!
388
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:05,786
Let's go, men!
389
00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:07,309
We got a war to win!
390
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:08,528
Yes! Ow!
391
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:09,572
Oh! Hernia!
392
00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:10,965
Alright, I'm good!
393
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:12,923
-You alright?
-I'm good!
394
00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:14,969
We're men!
395
00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:16,666
U.S.A.!Ow!
396
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:19,756
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
397
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,541
U.S.A.!
398
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:22,716
Hi.
399
00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:23,717
Hey.
400
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,589
Hey.
Oh.
401
00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:28,983
What's up?
Nothin'.
402
00:21:29,026 --> 00:21:30,985
'Cause I've been dying
to show you, uh --
403
00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:32,595
-Just, like, show someone.
Can it wait?
404
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,031
I gotta get to the salon
and start looking
405
00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:35,729
for those Roman candles.
They're buried
406
00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:36,991
in the crawl space somewhere
and I'm gonna hit my head
407
00:21:37,034 --> 00:21:39,776
at least three times
trying to get 'em.
408
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:43,737
You're actually gonna help them
with that?
409
00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:45,347
Yeah.
410
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:46,783
Oh.
411
00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:49,264
What?
No, nothing.
412
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,483
I just thought
that we were, uh --
413
00:21:50,526 --> 00:21:53,442
"We"?
414
00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:55,531
I never really thought of us
as a "we."
415
00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:01,494
Yeah. Right.
416
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:03,147
My mistake.
417
00:22:05,889 --> 00:22:08,196
So why the hell you tell me
about the money, then?
418
00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,980
About Kevin?
419
00:22:10,024 --> 00:22:11,242
I called the bank,
and you were right.
420
00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:14,289
The money's gone.
421
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,378
You blew up my life.
Was that just for fun?
422
00:22:18,946 --> 00:22:20,643
No.
423
00:22:24,255 --> 00:22:27,476
I felt sorry for you.
424
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,436
Convincing yourself all
your dreams are gonna come true.
425
00:22:30,479 --> 00:22:32,176
That you were destined
for something bigger than this.
426
00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:34,788
That you were gonna
be happy.
427
00:22:34,831 --> 00:22:37,094
It was hard to watch.
428
00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:39,880
I'm bad
with cringe comedy.
429
00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:43,884
Okay. So, I'm an idiot
for wanting something,
430
00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:46,016
and you're fine
with hitting your head
431
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:48,584
looking for the Roman candles
for the rest of your life?
432
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,373
Yes.
433
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:56,375
You felt sorry for me.
434
00:23:29,059 --> 00:23:30,060
They're oatmeal raisin!
435
00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:31,888
Oh!
Ugh!
436
00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:33,629
Why would you put fruit
in a cookie?
437
00:23:33,673 --> 00:23:35,849
Mixed messaging!
438
00:23:35,892 --> 00:23:37,720
Like a dessert
with homework.
439
00:23:37,764 --> 00:23:40,897
Yeah, it's like putting
a vegetable in a -- a cookie.
440
00:23:43,944 --> 00:23:45,946
Oh, dear God.
441
00:23:45,989 --> 00:23:48,035
No need to invoke
the Lord.
442
00:23:48,078 --> 00:23:49,471
The neighbors stole
my jersey,
443
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:52,909
so I rightfully stole
one of theirs.
444
00:23:52,953 --> 00:23:55,172
Pretty sure we got the Big Man's
blessing on this.
445
00:23:55,216 --> 00:23:58,088
After all -- eye for an eye,
tit for tit.
446
00:23:59,873 --> 00:24:02,136
Look, does it always have to be
"tit for tit"?
447
00:24:02,179 --> 00:24:03,877
Can't just you let
some things go?
448
00:24:05,356 --> 00:24:07,576
This is a Revolutionary War,
Allison.
449
00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,099
Could you imagine
if George Washington
450
00:24:09,143 --> 00:24:11,493
just "let things go"?
451
00:24:11,537 --> 00:24:14,104
Yeah, I can.
We'd be Communists.
452
00:24:14,148 --> 00:24:16,977
Oh, honey.
Not even close.
453
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:18,848
Well, look at me.
I had a tiff with a friend,
454
00:24:18,892 --> 00:24:21,155
so I baked some cookies
to make peace.
455
00:24:21,198 --> 00:24:23,505
-What friend?
-They're made up.
456
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:26,160
Just like leprechauns.
457
00:24:26,203 --> 00:24:27,378
You taught me that.
458
00:24:27,422 --> 00:24:30,381
Ouugh!
459
00:24:30,425 --> 00:24:32,558
It was on the doorstep.
460
00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,560
It's a message.
461
00:24:34,603 --> 00:24:37,693
You want
to let it go now, Allison?!
462
00:24:37,737 --> 00:24:39,303
So, what is the message,
exactly?
463
00:24:39,347 --> 00:24:41,262
That they're not
playing around.
464
00:24:41,305 --> 00:24:43,351
Look at this!
465
00:24:43,394 --> 00:24:47,007
It's clearly a Deflategate dig,
and it is not taken well.
466
00:24:47,050 --> 00:24:49,009
Again, not even close.
467
00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:51,272
Grrrgh!
468
00:24:51,315 --> 00:24:52,534
Wait up!
469
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,014
Drgh!
470
00:24:59,019 --> 00:25:01,238
Really.
471
00:25:01,282 --> 00:25:03,327
What friend
are these for?
472
00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:05,242
Uh, someone who doesn't pretend
to hate things
473
00:25:05,286 --> 00:25:07,723
they like just to be
one of the guys.
474
00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:10,596
Jesus, are you
an after-school special?
475
00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:13,555
Come on.
476
00:25:13,599 --> 00:25:16,427
It's someone I can
actually talk to.
477
00:25:16,471 --> 00:25:19,256
-Hi.
-Oh, what the hell?
478
00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:20,954
No, I know.
I just came to apologize.
479
00:25:20,997 --> 00:25:22,346
Careful, Marcus.
480
00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:23,609
Barbie might break
your nose this time.
481
00:25:23,652 --> 00:25:25,741
Okay. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
482
00:25:25,785 --> 00:25:27,351
Come here.
What are you --
483
00:25:27,395 --> 00:25:29,005
Look, I was in a terrible
place that day,
484
00:25:29,049 --> 00:25:30,616
and I made
a huge mistake.
485
00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:32,139
I've never actually slapped
anyone before --
486
00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,271
Whoa, no, no, no. Hold on.
You didn't slap me, tough guy.
487
00:25:34,315 --> 00:25:36,404
I was fine.
Okay.
488
00:25:36,447 --> 00:25:38,624
Uh, of course.
489
00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:42,584
Either way, I was very rude,
and, um,
490
00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:45,544
so I wanted
to make it up to you.
491
00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:47,371
Are you serious?
492
00:25:47,415 --> 00:25:48,634
I dunno.
493
00:25:48,677 --> 00:25:50,244
Everyone likes cookies.
494
00:25:50,287 --> 00:25:52,812
It's a good gift.
495
00:25:52,855 --> 00:25:54,030
You're not gonna be
a pain in the ass
496
00:25:54,074 --> 00:25:55,336
asking me for coke now,
are you?
497
00:25:55,379 --> 00:25:58,469
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
498
00:25:58,513 --> 00:26:01,081
Gave me some interesting ideas,
but, uh,
499
00:26:01,124 --> 00:26:03,387
I feel like my body's
still recovering.
500
00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:05,825
No, uh...
501
00:26:05,868 --> 00:26:07,043
I want oxys.
502
00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:08,523
Jesus Christ.
503
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,481
Just like
10 to 15 pills.
504
00:26:10,525 --> 00:26:12,701
I've already tried to get
a doctor to give them to me --
505
00:26:12,745 --> 00:26:14,703
Of course your first thought
was to ask nicely.
506
00:26:14,747 --> 00:26:16,183
He just sent me to a therapist,
and I --
507
00:26:16,226 --> 00:26:17,663
I need these.
508
00:26:17,706 --> 00:26:20,187
I'm in very real pain.
509
00:26:20,230 --> 00:26:22,406
Marcus,
use your rape whistle.
510
00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:24,974
Okay.
Private conversation.
511
00:26:29,762 --> 00:26:33,069
Look, I don't have
that shit on me, okay?
512
00:26:33,113 --> 00:26:34,636
I -- I'm not that guy.
513
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:39,206
But, uh, I can hook you up
with one.
514
00:26:39,249 --> 00:26:41,687
Really?
515
00:26:41,730 --> 00:26:43,166
Oh, my God, okay.
516
00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:45,908
Thank you.
517
00:26:45,952 --> 00:26:49,390
Be on the 14th Street
overpass at midnight.
518
00:26:49,433 --> 00:26:51,087
Tonight.
Okay.
519
00:26:51,131 --> 00:26:52,219
Don't try
to pay in cookies.
520
00:26:52,262 --> 00:26:55,091
N-No.
521
00:26:55,135 --> 00:26:56,876
No, okay.
522
00:26:56,919 --> 00:26:58,486
Uh, thank you.
523
00:26:58,529 --> 00:27:00,053
Mm-hmm.
524
00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:06,059
Uh, hey, I know it's not cash,
but, uh, do you think
525
00:27:06,102 --> 00:27:08,496
that he'd think that this hoodie
was worth something?
526
00:27:11,499 --> 00:27:13,370
Oh, it looks awful.
527
00:27:13,414 --> 00:27:16,547
Uh, t-this was --
this was worn by Belichick.
528
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,117
Bill Belichick?
529
00:27:21,161 --> 00:27:23,729
My, uh -- my husband paid
Lord knows how much for it,
530
00:27:23,772 --> 00:27:25,165
but God forbid I ask.
531
00:27:25,208 --> 00:27:26,949
Lady.
Um, Allison.
532
00:27:26,993 --> 00:27:29,169
I don't want to know your name
or your story.
533
00:27:29,212 --> 00:27:31,693
I don't care.
Right.
534
00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:33,739
Now get the hell
out of here.
535
00:27:33,782 --> 00:27:35,523
Okay.
Bye-bye, now.
536
00:27:35,566 --> 00:27:36,567
Yes. Goodbye.
537
00:27:36,611 --> 00:27:38,700
Okay.
Okay.
538
00:27:38,744 --> 00:27:42,182
-Thank you.
-Thanks for the raisin cookies.
539
00:27:42,225 --> 00:27:43,923
Don't worry about
washing the bowl.
540
00:27:50,364 --> 00:27:51,582
-Gah!
541
00:27:52,975 --> 00:27:54,760
-What are you doing?!
-Gotta protect my lady.
542
00:27:54,803 --> 00:27:55,761
Can't be too cautious.
543
00:27:55,804 --> 00:27:57,632
Well, can't you?!
544
00:27:57,676 --> 00:28:00,069
Not when the neighbors lit
our garbage cans on fire.
545
00:28:00,113 --> 00:28:01,941
They what?!
Why would they do that?
546
00:28:01,984 --> 00:28:04,421
Well,
after Knife-In-Football-Gate,
547
00:28:04,465 --> 00:28:06,946
I had one of those strokes
of genius.
548
00:28:06,989 --> 00:28:09,731
I shoved a cherry bomb
inside a soccer --
549
00:28:09,775 --> 00:28:12,821
soccer! --
550
00:28:12,865 --> 00:28:15,302
ball, and I put it
on their front lawn.
551
00:28:15,345 --> 00:28:16,782
A true message.
552
00:28:16,825 --> 00:28:19,610
What, that soccer blows?
553
00:28:19,654 --> 00:28:20,873
Solid.
554
00:28:22,178 --> 00:28:24,746
What?
N-No.
555
00:28:24,790 --> 00:28:26,617
That they cannot mess
with me!
556
00:28:26,661 --> 00:28:29,490
And that message
was received.
557
00:28:29,533 --> 00:28:31,013
You should have seen it.
558
00:28:31,057 --> 00:28:33,015
The sparks!
The colors!
559
00:28:33,059 --> 00:28:34,800
Little flaming hexagons
flying everywhere.
560
00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:38,586
It was -- It was --
It was spectacular!
561
00:28:38,629 --> 00:28:40,980
But I also burned
their lawn.
562
00:28:41,023 --> 00:28:42,459
You lit their lawn
on fire?
563
00:28:42,503 --> 00:28:44,157
-I heard about that.
-It's fine.
564
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,028
A little singe will
just make the grass
565
00:28:46,072 --> 00:28:47,769
grow back twice
as lush --
566
00:28:47,813 --> 00:28:50,946
if it's anything
like my foot hair.
567
00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:52,513
So, that's when they torched
our garbage cans?
568
00:28:52,556 --> 00:28:53,601
Yeah.
Can you believe it?
569
00:28:53,644 --> 00:28:55,603
It's practically arson.
570
00:28:55,646 --> 00:28:56,909
Well, you lit their lawn
on fire!
571
00:28:56,952 --> 00:28:58,388
They stole
my sweatshirt!
572
00:28:58,432 --> 00:29:00,216
You burned down
their pergola!
573
00:29:00,260 --> 00:29:04,264
Irregardless, this is all just
ramping up so fast,
574
00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:05,831
we had to beef up
security.
575
00:29:05,874 --> 00:29:06,832
And that's our security?
576
00:29:06,875 --> 00:29:08,355
Well, the bat is step one.
577
00:29:08,398 --> 00:29:09,791
Step two is--
578
00:29:09,835 --> 00:29:12,228
Ah, Neil returns
with step three.
579
00:29:12,272 --> 00:29:13,534
I sent him to my guy.
580
00:29:13,577 --> 00:29:15,666
He's former SWAT.
581
00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:17,059
Neil, what are you doing?
582
00:29:17,103 --> 00:29:19,366
Well, this is what
your guy gave me.
583
00:29:19,409 --> 00:29:20,976
Kev!
You caved!
584
00:29:21,020 --> 00:29:23,152
Wha?
585
00:29:23,196 --> 00:29:25,024
You got me a dog?'Course not.
586
00:29:25,067 --> 00:29:26,808
My "No Pets" rule stands.
587
00:29:26,852 --> 00:29:30,029
I refuse not to be
the cutest thing in this house.
588
00:29:30,072 --> 00:29:31,639
Impossible, babe.
589
00:29:31,682 --> 00:29:33,989
Besides,
that's not a dog.
590
00:29:34,033 --> 00:29:35,295
That's a mistake.
591
00:29:35,338 --> 00:29:36,992
Neil, I-I sent you to my guy
to get,
592
00:29:37,036 --> 00:29:39,995
like, a rifle
or a crossbow or something.
593
00:29:40,039 --> 00:29:41,692
Yeah, well, your guy said
this was the most weapon
594
00:29:41,736 --> 00:29:43,520
I could handle.
595
00:29:43,564 --> 00:29:45,696
It's something.
Is it?
596
00:29:45,740 --> 00:29:48,699
I don't know.
He looks tired.
597
00:29:48,743 --> 00:29:50,179
Maybe a little slow.
598
00:29:50,223 --> 00:29:51,833
Yeah.
599
00:29:51,877 --> 00:29:54,836
And lazy.
600
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,317
Doesn't seem like
McRoberts material.
601
00:29:58,971 --> 00:30:02,104
Dog, you're here
on a trial basis.
602
00:30:02,148 --> 00:30:04,498
No name till you're
off probation.
603
00:30:04,541 --> 00:30:06,239
And no cavortin'
with my wife.
604
00:30:07,675 --> 00:30:09,111
Okay,
so, what's step two?
605
00:30:09,155 --> 00:30:10,330
Huh?
606
00:30:10,373 --> 00:30:11,679
Well,
step one's the bat.
607
00:30:11,722 --> 00:30:12,898
Step three is the dog.
608
00:30:12,941 --> 00:30:14,769
So what's step two?
609
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:17,903
Oh, I installed a full
DING security system outside.
610
00:30:17,946 --> 00:30:20,470
Cameras at every door,
motion-sensored.
611
00:30:20,514 --> 00:30:21,732
I've got it wired, babe.
612
00:30:21,776 --> 00:30:23,604
I'm feeling diligent,
613
00:30:23,647 --> 00:30:24,605
focused.
614
00:30:26,172 --> 00:30:28,783
You got chips there?
615
00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:30,741
-I brought them from home.
-Did you, now?
616
00:30:30,785 --> 00:30:31,830
You know what they say
about sharing.
617
00:30:31,873 --> 00:30:33,527
No.
Gimme.
618
00:30:47,541 --> 00:30:48,934
God damn it.
619
00:31:05,733 --> 00:31:07,300
Hi.
620
00:31:07,343 --> 00:31:09,258
Good boy.
621
00:31:09,302 --> 00:31:10,520
Hmm?
622
00:31:10,564 --> 00:31:12,348
That's a good boy.
623
00:31:12,392 --> 00:31:13,610
What's this?
624
00:31:13,654 --> 00:31:15,047
Yeah,
you're a good boy.
625
00:31:18,311 --> 00:31:20,356
Well, actually, no.
626
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:21,444
That's not a nice thing
to say.
627
00:31:21,488 --> 00:31:24,056
I'm sorry.
628
00:31:24,099 --> 00:31:27,102
Good boys don't get
to do anything fun.
629
00:31:27,146 --> 00:31:28,712
Trust me, I get it.
630
00:31:31,802 --> 00:31:34,109
This is my first time
sneaking out of a house.
631
00:31:36,677 --> 00:31:39,810
Why'd I wait so long to do
something like this, huh?
632
00:31:39,854 --> 00:31:42,813
It's exciting.
633
00:31:42,857 --> 00:31:44,380
It'll be a good story.
634
00:31:49,211 --> 00:31:51,126
Oh.
635
00:31:53,215 --> 00:31:55,957
Hey.
636
00:31:56,001 --> 00:31:57,828
You wanna know
another good story?
637
00:32:01,049 --> 00:32:02,921
I stole the goddamn hoodie.
638
00:32:05,793 --> 00:32:07,577
Don't rat me out, okay, pal?
639
00:32:11,016 --> 00:32:14,410
Thank you.
640
00:32:14,454 --> 00:32:16,238
You stay there.
641
00:33:05,287 --> 00:33:06,593
Uh...
642
00:33:06,636 --> 00:33:08,073
You Marcus' girl?
643
00:33:08,116 --> 00:33:10,118
Yeah.
Well, no.
644
00:33:10,162 --> 00:33:13,817
I'm not his girl, but --I got ya.
645
00:33:13,861 --> 00:33:16,429
Uh, how do you wanna
do this?
646
00:33:16,472 --> 00:33:18,692
Uh...
647
00:33:18,735 --> 00:33:21,695
However you'd normally do it
is good, I guess.
648
00:33:21,738 --> 00:33:24,306
Money first?
649
00:33:24,350 --> 00:33:26,091
Sounds good.
650
00:33:26,134 --> 00:33:28,397
W-What do you want to pay --So, wha-- Oh.
651
00:33:28,441 --> 00:33:30,530
You g--
Uh, y-you go first. Sorry.
652
00:33:30,573 --> 00:33:33,924
Uh, $200?
No way.
653
00:33:33,968 --> 00:33:35,752
Most girls in your position
would be kissing the ground
654
00:33:35,796 --> 00:33:37,015
I walk on
for that price.
655
00:33:37,058 --> 00:33:40,757
Well, I'm not most girls,
so...
656
00:33:40,801 --> 00:33:42,237
$120, final offer.
657
00:33:46,850 --> 00:33:48,678
Get in.
658
00:33:58,688 --> 00:34:00,560
Uh, where we going?
659
00:34:00,603 --> 00:34:02,170
We can't do this
right here.
660
00:34:15,009 --> 00:34:16,576
Oh.
661
00:34:20,710 --> 00:34:22,973
S-- Uh--
So, you got the stuff?
662
00:34:23,017 --> 00:34:25,541
Oh -- Oh, I got your stuff
right here.
663
00:34:25,585 --> 00:34:27,848
No, wha--
What the hell are you doing?
664
00:34:27,891 --> 00:34:29,371
Oh, right.
665
00:34:29,415 --> 00:34:32,070
Marcus said you were
into that sort of thing.
666
00:34:32,113 --> 00:34:33,810
"Oh, no, Mister.
I'm not that kind of guy."
667
00:34:33,854 --> 00:34:36,335
What?! No! No!
I'm not gonna have sex with you!
668
00:34:36,378 --> 00:34:38,728
Marcus said I --
I would have sex with you?!
669
00:34:38,772 --> 00:34:40,948
E-- That's usually
what the money's for, yeah.
670
00:34:40,991 --> 00:34:43,907
Oh, my --
No, I'm not a prostitu--
671
00:34:43,951 --> 00:34:46,301
Marcus said
that you'd sell me pills.
672
00:34:46,345 --> 00:34:48,173
Like, drugs?
673
00:34:48,216 --> 00:34:51,306
La-- Lady,
I sell life insurance.
674
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,747
Marcus was trying
to get back at me, so it --
675
00:34:57,791 --> 00:35:00,141
I'm sorry, I have to go.
676
00:35:00,185 --> 00:35:01,490
Whoa, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
Ah!
677
00:35:01,534 --> 00:35:02,752
God damn!
Oh!
678
00:35:02,796 --> 00:35:04,363
What the hell?!
679
00:35:04,406 --> 00:35:06,626
I-I -- I --
I was just trying to tell you
680
00:35:06,669 --> 00:35:07,975
there's a child lock
on that door.
681
00:35:08,018 --> 00:35:09,324
Oh, my God.
682
00:35:09,368 --> 00:35:11,413
You --
You broke my frickin' nose!
683
00:35:11,457 --> 00:35:12,806
I'm so sorry.
684
00:35:12,849 --> 00:35:15,156
Here, here, here.
685
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:16,984
Ow! God!
Oh!
686
00:35:17,027 --> 00:35:19,813
Gah!
Jesus Christ, lady!
687
00:35:23,860 --> 00:35:26,211
The least you could do
is give me a handjob.
688
00:35:26,254 --> 00:35:27,951
Oh.
689
00:35:27,995 --> 00:35:29,518
No, thank you.
690
00:36:18,088 --> 00:36:19,264
-Allie.
-Hey.
691
00:36:19,307 --> 00:36:21,353
-Uh, it's late.
-Yeah, sorry.
692
00:36:22,919 --> 00:36:25,226
Um, how are you?
693
00:36:25,270 --> 00:36:27,489
Uh...
694
00:36:27,533 --> 00:36:30,579
Uh, I don't really know
how to answer that question.
695
00:36:30,623 --> 00:36:33,234
I know that I am supposed
to say, "I'm good.
696
00:36:33,278 --> 00:36:34,714
How are you?"
697
00:36:34,757 --> 00:36:36,933
Anything more than that
is just rude.
698
00:36:36,977 --> 00:36:38,500
No one actually wants to know
how you are.
699
00:36:38,544 --> 00:36:39,806
It's just a way of saying,
"Hello.
700
00:36:39,849 --> 00:36:42,243
I'm good, how are you?"
701
00:36:42,287 --> 00:36:45,464
Uh, but I actually
wanted to...
702
00:36:45,507 --> 00:36:48,118
talk.
703
00:36:48,162 --> 00:36:49,598
To me?
704
00:36:49,642 --> 00:36:51,252
Yeah.
705
00:36:51,296 --> 00:36:54,124
Thought maybe you were mad
or something.
706
00:36:54,168 --> 00:36:57,302
Why would I be mad?
707
00:36:57,345 --> 00:36:58,651
Right.
708
00:36:58,694 --> 00:37:00,870
Sure.
709
00:37:00,914 --> 00:37:01,871
You want a coffee
or something?
710
00:37:01,915 --> 00:37:03,743
Uh...
711
00:37:03,786 --> 00:37:05,745
After the night I had,
I'd say an Irish coffee,
712
00:37:05,788 --> 00:37:08,095
but I don't want
to make you do that.
713
00:37:08,138 --> 00:37:09,618
I can muscle through.
714
00:37:09,662 --> 00:37:12,273
Well -- No, I was being --
I was being rude.
715
00:37:12,317 --> 00:37:14,101
Impossible.
716
00:37:14,144 --> 00:37:17,409
This is really for me.
717
00:37:17,452 --> 00:37:20,977
I used to love mixing drinks
for you.
718
00:37:21,021 --> 00:37:24,154
Remember our, uh,
white trash margarita?
719
00:37:24,198 --> 00:37:25,982
Yeah.
720
00:37:26,026 --> 00:37:28,158
Yellow Gatorade
and tequila.
721
00:37:28,202 --> 00:37:30,596
-With a maraschino cherry.
-Ugh.
722
00:37:30,639 --> 00:37:33,642
Of all the drinks I miss,
that one's pretty high up there.
723
00:37:38,386 --> 00:37:39,866
Thank you.
724
00:37:41,911 --> 00:37:42,956
Mmm.
725
00:37:42,999 --> 00:37:45,306
Mm.
726
00:37:45,350 --> 00:37:49,484
So, you wanted to talk?
727
00:37:49,528 --> 00:37:52,095
Yeah.
728
00:37:52,139 --> 00:37:55,055
About?
729
00:37:55,098 --> 00:37:58,014
Uh...
730
00:37:58,058 --> 00:37:59,842
Something that isn't
the weather,
731
00:37:59,886 --> 00:38:04,325
or my aunt's foot ailments,
or the feud with the neighbors.
732
00:38:06,632 --> 00:38:08,198
I've had the worst...
733
00:38:10,375 --> 00:38:11,985
decade, really.
734
00:38:12,028 --> 00:38:13,334
Like, I can't believe
how much time
735
00:38:13,378 --> 00:38:15,423
I've spent
talking about nothing.
736
00:38:15,467 --> 00:38:18,600
And now that I feel like I
actually have something to say,
737
00:38:18,644 --> 00:38:21,168
um, the closest thing
that I have
738
00:38:21,211 --> 00:38:24,693
to someone who cares
is a dog.
739
00:38:27,609 --> 00:38:30,308
I care.
740
00:38:30,351 --> 00:38:33,615
Just that you knew me
before --
741
00:38:33,659 --> 00:38:34,964
W-When we were younger.
742
00:38:37,532 --> 00:38:39,882
I had friends, right?
743
00:38:39,926 --> 00:38:42,450
Yeah.
744
00:38:42,494 --> 00:38:44,800
Yeah, I feel like
they all had names
745
00:38:44,844 --> 00:38:49,152
that started
with J, K, and L.
746
00:38:49,196 --> 00:38:52,155
Katie, Kelly, Lauren,
Lindsay --
747
00:38:52,199 --> 00:38:53,418
-Julie.
Jess.
748
00:38:53,461 --> 00:38:54,636
They liked church.
749
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:56,377
They loved church.
Mm.
750
00:38:56,421 --> 00:38:57,770
And your friends
in the swim team.
751
00:38:57,813 --> 00:38:59,293
Well, no.
752
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:00,207
Those girls didn't really
like me.
753
00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:02,035
I was a bit --
754
00:39:02,078 --> 00:39:04,385
bit competitive.
755
00:39:04,429 --> 00:39:05,778
"Was"?
756
00:39:05,821 --> 00:39:08,433
Okay.
757
00:39:08,476 --> 00:39:09,825
And I had the people
at the restaurant,
758
00:39:09,869 --> 00:39:12,872
and I had you.
759
00:39:12,915 --> 00:39:16,876
I just don't know when I got
so isolated from everyone.
760
00:39:18,921 --> 00:39:20,662
Wish you'd been here
for the last 10 years.
761
00:39:20,706 --> 00:39:23,622
I mean, I'm not sure
that would've actually helped.
762
00:39:26,799 --> 00:39:30,324
Why?
763
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:32,805
People who think they're
cut off from everyone
764
00:39:32,848 --> 00:39:36,112
are actually often walling
themselves off from the world.
765
00:39:36,156 --> 00:39:37,592
Okay, can we not?
'Cause I've already
766
00:39:37,636 --> 00:39:39,768
turned down therapy
once this week, so --
767
00:39:39,812 --> 00:39:41,379
No, yeah.
Sure.
768
00:39:46,166 --> 00:39:48,124
I'm just saying,
769
00:39:48,168 --> 00:39:52,085
when you talk about wishing
I'd been here...
770
00:39:52,128 --> 00:39:53,478
you're the one
who pulled away.
771
00:39:56,916 --> 00:39:58,700
I pulled away?
772
00:39:58,744 --> 00:40:01,355
Okay,
I mean, you were gone
773
00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:02,704
way before I got married,
okay?
774
00:40:02,748 --> 00:40:04,097
Uh-- How are we talking
about this?
775
00:40:04,140 --> 00:40:05,707
I just wanted someone
to talk with.
776
00:40:05,751 --> 00:40:07,709
Did you, though?
777
00:40:07,753 --> 00:40:09,494
'Cause from where I'm sitting,
you wanted someone
778
00:40:09,537 --> 00:40:12,671
to listen and nod
and agree with you.
779
00:40:14,934 --> 00:40:16,849
You know what?
780
00:40:16,892 --> 00:40:19,634
I take it back.
781
00:40:19,678 --> 00:40:21,506
I'm good.
How are you?
782
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:32,473
Wha--
Have we been robbed?
783
00:40:32,517 --> 00:40:35,650
That is
absolutely correct.
784
00:40:35,694 --> 00:40:37,173
Shouldn't we be calling
the police?
785
00:40:37,217 --> 00:40:39,828
Oh, simple Allison.
786
00:40:39,872 --> 00:40:42,265
This is all a part
of my master plan.
787
00:40:42,309 --> 00:40:43,876
Okay, well, the last time
you said that,
788
00:40:43,919 --> 00:40:46,661
we had to cut down the oak tree
to get you out of it.
789
00:40:46,705 --> 00:40:50,360
That tree was an eyesore
for 300 years.
790
00:40:50,404 --> 00:40:52,362
Paul Revere planted it.
791
00:40:52,406 --> 00:40:54,364
Just listen.
792
00:40:54,408 --> 00:40:56,584
The security system picked up
some of those damn neighbors
793
00:40:56,628 --> 00:40:58,064
lurking outside the house
last night.
794
00:40:58,107 --> 00:40:59,369
Really?
795
00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:00,893
Wh--
How do you know it was them?
796
00:41:00,936 --> 00:41:03,852
Uh, he was wearing
the hoodie.
797
00:41:06,725 --> 00:41:09,031
That's tough, babe.
798
00:41:09,075 --> 00:41:10,903
Thank you.
799
00:41:10,946 --> 00:41:14,210
But as I was trying to lure
an entire family of skunks
800
00:41:14,254 --> 00:41:15,995
under the neighbor's house,
801
00:41:16,038 --> 00:41:19,215
I realized that that security
footage gives me all the ammo
802
00:41:19,259 --> 00:41:20,913
I need to go
to the insurance company.
803
00:41:20,956 --> 00:41:23,742
So, ta-dah!
804
00:41:23,785 --> 00:41:25,744
Kevin, we agreed
you'd give up magic
805
00:41:25,787 --> 00:41:28,703
when that playing card
punctured your eardrum.
806
00:41:28,747 --> 00:41:31,750
Allison, I can't even hear you
to agree with you.
807
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,537
This is the magic
of insurance.
808
00:41:36,581 --> 00:41:38,626
I talked to the guy
about my stolen hoodie
809
00:41:38,670 --> 00:41:42,195
and all the, eh -- wink --
other stuff missin' here.
810
00:41:42,238 --> 00:41:44,719
Guy's coming down later today
to take claims on everything.
811
00:41:44,763 --> 00:41:48,027
TV, Wade Boggs rookie card,
your father's ashes.
812
00:41:48,070 --> 00:41:49,550
-Kevin.
-I'm just kidding.
813
00:41:49,594 --> 00:41:51,596
He's not worth anything.
814
00:41:51,639 --> 00:41:54,599
No, I mean,
isn't this fraud?
815
00:41:54,642 --> 00:41:55,991
No way.
816
00:41:56,035 --> 00:41:58,603
Our stuff
is actually missing.
817
00:41:58,646 --> 00:42:01,649
I mean, maybe if you went over
to Neil's garage...
818
00:42:01,693 --> 00:42:03,695
Ugh....it might all be in there,
but who knows?
819
00:42:03,738 --> 00:42:05,131
Not I!
820
00:42:05,174 --> 00:42:06,480
Y-- No, no, no!
And not you!
821
00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:08,047
I am not going
in Neil's garage.
822
00:42:08,090 --> 00:42:10,005
-I am taking Bill out.
-Whoa, whoa.
823
00:42:10,049 --> 00:42:12,965
Who's Bill, and where
are you taking him?
824
00:42:13,008 --> 00:42:16,011
Bill is what I named our dog.
Where is he?
825
00:42:16,055 --> 00:42:18,753
Oh, uh, that whole
security system wasn't working.
826
00:42:18,797 --> 00:42:21,364
The cameras were blurry,
the dog was a bum,
827
00:42:21,408 --> 00:42:24,280
and the bat broke when Neil
and I were smashing watermelons.
828
00:42:24,324 --> 00:42:25,543
I scrapped all of it.
829
00:42:25,586 --> 00:42:27,022
All of it?
830
00:42:27,066 --> 00:42:28,763
-Even the dog?
-I took him back to my guy.
831
00:42:28,807 --> 00:42:31,026
I expect I'll get
some sort of store credit
832
00:42:31,070 --> 00:42:33,855
once he finds "Bill"
tied to his porch.
833
00:42:33,899 --> 00:42:35,814
You abandoned the dog?
834
00:42:35,857 --> 00:42:38,773
When I left, I gave him
half my bacon, egg, and cheese.
835
00:42:38,817 --> 00:42:41,254
If that's abandonment,
abandon me every morning.
836
00:42:42,821 --> 00:42:45,084
With that insurance money,
I can get the hoodie
837
00:42:45,127 --> 00:42:47,956
that Belichick wore
in the 2017 playoffs.
838
00:42:49,741 --> 00:42:53,048
So, that other hoodie --Keep it, foreigners!
839
00:42:53,092 --> 00:42:55,311
Put another win
on the board!
840
00:42:55,355 --> 00:43:00,360
In the game of life,
it's Kevin 632,
841
00:43:00,403 --> 00:43:03,232
Life 3.
842
00:43:03,276 --> 00:43:05,060
New Belichick Hoodie Day,
baby!
843
00:43:05,104 --> 00:43:08,324
Yay-uh!
844
00:43:56,198 --> 00:43:58,592
Oh, um, excuse me.
845
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:00,942
Is there a therapist office
in here?
846
00:44:00,986 --> 00:44:03,945
Therapist?
847
00:44:03,989 --> 00:44:05,381
Ah, yeah.
848
00:44:05,425 --> 00:44:07,862
Just, uh, ask for a wash
like Barb gets.
849
00:44:07,906 --> 00:44:09,951
She'll hook you up.
850
00:44:09,995 --> 00:44:11,605
She'll "hook me"...
851
00:44:14,086 --> 00:44:15,653
Oh, it's drugs.
852
00:44:33,888 --> 00:44:35,368
One sec.
853
00:44:48,076 --> 00:44:52,602
Shit.
854
00:45:02,787 --> 00:45:05,572
On the next
"Kevin Can Himself".
855
00:45:05,615 --> 00:45:06,878
Kevin and Alison
together forever.
856
00:45:06,921 --> 00:45:09,881
Seeing you again
makes me feel a little guilty.
857
00:45:09,924 --> 00:45:11,752
Oh, yeah?
858
00:45:11,796 --> 00:45:13,754
You got a special occasion
you want to look nice for?
859
00:45:13,798 --> 00:45:16,148
Jenn, this is Alison.
Alison, my wife, Jenn.
860
00:45:16,191 --> 00:45:18,063
We've actually
met before.
861
00:45:18,106 --> 00:45:20,500
We're in that mutually assured
destruction territory now.
862
00:45:21,936 --> 00:45:23,242
What the hell's
been going on with you?
863
00:45:23,285 --> 00:45:24,591
Something in me
just snapped.
58727
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