All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S08E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Parenting is exhausting.

- You're tired because you were
up until 5:00 in the morning

playing a game on your phone.

- It's not a game.

It's a realistic
pizza parlor simulator.

It's very different.

There's no winning.
- Then why do you play?

- To earn pizza points
to get better toppings.

- What's up, Peralta?

- Hey, Trudy Judy and dog Judy.

what's going on?
Are you puppy sitting for Doug?

- Well, I was, but I need you
to take him for me,

because I'm going on
a little vacay,

and let's just say

there's going to be
some activities

that aren't suitable
for a little dog.

Mm!

Like parasailing.
- Oh.

Thought you were building
to something much more sexual.

- Nope, just really pumped
for parasailing.

Also, there's gonna be
a lot of [bleep],

but the dog's okay with that.

Here.
- Ugh.

As much as we would love

to take care of this
extremely unneutered animal,

we can't,
because I'm too allergic.

- Wait, why isn't Doug Judy
taking care of dog Judy?

Is he out of town or something?

- Oh, no, you didn't hear?

Doug got arrested.
He's going to prison.

- Wait, what?

- Doug got arrested.
He's going to prison.

- Yeah, no, I heard you.
I was just processing.

- Aw. You want to hug a dog?
- Oh, my God.

It's, like, a third of him.

♪

- Sup, Peralta?
- Hey, what's going on?

Why didn't you tell me
you're in jail?

Did you not want me to find out
who arrested you?

Is there another cop
in your life?

- No, none of these pigs
mean jack to me.

No offense to Evan.
You've been great this week.

- I don't understand.
I thought you went straight.

- I did. I got a job.
I have a wife.

But the other day,
I was driving

to the new mega Target
in South Orange, New Jersey

because they have 50% off

whole-home mesh
wireless systems.

- With a rebate?
- No.

Discount taken
at register.

- Oh, you gotta hit that.
- I know.

And on the way over there,

a guy rear-ended me
and the cops showed up.

Turns out I had a warrant out
for my arrest.

- But we wiped
your criminal record.

- You wiped my New York record.

I stole a car in Trenton
five years ago.

- Well, you still
should have called me.

I could've helped you out.
- It wouldn't have mattered.

There's a lot of evidence
against me.

I left a picture of me
at the scene of the crime

with a note bragging about
how I did it.

- Ah, well, yes,
that would make it difficult.

- Impossible.

They're moving me
to South Woods prison tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- I know.

But you know
what really bums me out?

I had no warning.

I only wish that I had known
it was gonna happen

so I could've had
one last moment of joy

before I get taken to jail.

But alas...'tis not to be.

- Wait a minute.
What if it...'tis to be?

What if I drive you to prison?

We could have
one more adventure!

- Honestly, Jake,
I don't see how it's possible

to have fun on a trip
to prison.

- Yeah, it sucks, but I dunno,
maybe for just a few hours,

you could focus on the journey
and not the destination.

- "Focus on the journey,
not the destination."

I like that; did you steal it
from a car commercial?

- No. It was an Instagram ad
for a travel bidet.

Look, I know it's not perfect,
but if you say yes,

I promise I will plan
some sexy-ass surprises.

- How sexy we talking?

- How sexy you got?

- Is that a '79
Pontiac Trans Am?

- Sexy-ass surprise number one.
We're riding in style.

- I can't believe
the Department of Corrections

was cool with you
taking your friend to prison.

- Well, I can
be very persuasive.

I got the guy and his family

a six-day pass
to Pirate's Cove Waterpark.

- So many days in the water.

The family's gonna be pruney.

- Yeah, it wasn't a good bribe.

- Well, let's hit the road.
- Up-bup-bup.

Before we do that.
There's another surprise,

but I'm gonna need
your hands free for this one.

- Wait, you got a pen?

I'll show you a little trick
I learned from a magician

who, for legal purposes,
shall remain nameless,

but is unquestionably
a mind freak.

-
Criss Angel.

- I can neither confirm
nor deny--bam!

Your cuffs and your pen, sir.

- That was incredibly fast.

Consider my mind freaked.

On that note, it is time for
sexy-ass surprise number two.

A classic Jake and Judy
outfit change!

♪ Ah!

♪

- I'm feeling this print.

- I thought you might.
We got tigers and toucans.

- Tigers and toucs!
- Ooh.

And now,
for the pièce de résistance.

-
Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Little French.
I like where this is going.

- And voilà.

- "PB" and "&J."

- Pontiac Bandit and Jake.

Go together
like peanut butter and jelly.

- It's never coming off.

Except for in a couple hours

when I have to check
into prison for five years.

- Buh-bup-bup--
journey, not the destination.

- It's never coming off.
- That's the spirit.

Let's ride.

♪

- Mind if I DJ?
- I was counting on it.

Bust out those banging
bar mitzvah beats, bruv.

- Let's see what you got.

Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill,

really a lot of Taylor Swift.
- Pfft, I'm over her.

I barely even memorized
all the lyrics to "Folklore."

- What's SAS3?

- I'm glad you asked,
mon frère.

That track is sexy-ass
surprise number three.

- Okay, so I know this
audio engineer

who's friends with a guy
who's roommates with a guy

who gets lunch for a guy
who's friends with a guy

who knows Drake.

And he laid down a beat for us
to write a song to!

- Drake laid down a beat
for us?

- What? No, no.
The friend did.

The Drake thing was just
to establish his credentials.

- And it worked.

That dude's, like, six spots
removed from Drake.

He's the real deal.
- Mm.

- ♪ Uh

A lot of room for uh's.
I like that.

- I thought you would.

- ♪ Doug and Jake
rolling down the street ♪

- ♪ PB and J
a tasty little treat ♪

- ♪ Two cool dudes
making sandals for your feet ♪

- What?
- I was going for the rhyme,

but now I kind of feel
like it's a good idea.

- Love it.

♪ Making sandals that last
is our ideology ♪

♪ Made real by our patented,
strapless technology ♪

It's magnets.
- Okay!

♪ Yo, you can wear 'em
on the beach ♪

- ♪ Wear 'em on a hike

- ♪ Wear 'em on a Peloton
exercise bike ♪

♪ Doug and Jake,
two best friends ♪

♪ With the premium, open-toed
shoes for men! ♪

♪ Rah!

-
That was crazy.

We never even rehearsed
and just did it perfectly.

It was like
Jackson Maine and Ally.

- I call Ally.
- Aw, I wanted Ally.

Okay, it's time for
sexy-ass surprise number four.

Let me ask you this.

If you could eat any meal
on Earth, what would it be?

- Cheeseburger cracker
flavor Combos,

Philly cheesesteaks from Pat's,
Popeye's biscuits,

McDonald's fries,
Wendy's nuggets,

Sonic tots, fountain Coke,

and of course,
my mama's sweet potato pie.

- Oh, wow.

That's actually
a very tall order,

which I completely filled.

- What?
You smorgasborded it?

- I smorgasborded it!

-
You know what this calls for?

- What's that?
- Foot slap!

Ooh!

- How did you find
cheeseburger cracker Combos?

Weren't they discontinued?
Tell me the whole story.

- A bodega in Queens
had an old box.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Kind of makes me sad, though.
- How come?

- One day,
it's out in the world thriving,

and then poof,
gets pulled off the streets.

- Ah.

Well, I mean, it's not like
it's gone forever.

You know, it'll be back
in circulation soon.

- Maybe, but sometimes
when a product

is taken off the shelves,
it never returns.

- It's gonna be okay.

I promise I'll visit
the Combos every month.

- The Combos will be
very grateful for that.

They're lucky to have
a friend like you.

- Charles?
- Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Why are you alone
with a criminal

who's escaped you
multiple times?

- Seems like a loaded question.

- Oh, that's not even
half my load.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God. I'm too late.

You're already seduced
by Doug Judy's wiles.

- Okay, I appreciate
the concern,

but Doug has changed.

This was an old crime, and
he's already owned up to it.

He's not trying to escape.

- He's already out
of his handcuffs.

- Just so we can do
our sweet-ass outfit change.

- Tigers and toucans!
- Tigers and toucans!

- Obviously, they're fantastic,
but Jake, by trusting him,

you're putting your job
on the line,

which means you're also
putting my job on the line.

- How so?

- Because if you get fired,
I will swim out into the ocean

until I'm too tired
to swim back

and I will sink to the bottom
and then I won't have a job.

- Oh, my God.
All right.

Well, I'm already
driving him to prison,

so there's nothing
I can do about it now.

- Oh, yes, there is.

Welcome to the Boyle bus.

- Why we getting
in this wack ride?

- Charles refuses to accept
what close friends we are.

He thinks you're trying
to escape

and that your crew's on
the lookout for the Trans Am,

so he insisted we switch
into his weird family bus.

- That's ridiculous.
- Isn't it?

- It doesn't matter
what vehicle we're in.

- That's what I said.

- I'm gonna escape from you
either way.

- Exactly.
Wait, what was that?

- I still don't understand.

What do you mean
you're escaping?

- Sorry, bro.
Plan is already in motion.

Trudy came to you.
You took the bait.

- Come on.

If you were really trying
to escape,

why would you tell me?

- Honestly,
I didn't like lying to you.

You're a good friend.

- Well, if I'm such
a good friend,

why are you trying
to escape from me?

- I'm not trying
to escape from you.

I'm trying to escape
from prison.

Let me ask you this.

Do you know why
I stole that car?

- Because you
"love doing crimes."

That's me directly
quoting your catchphrase.

- First of all, my catchphrase
is "slurp, slurp."

- You've never once said that.
- I say it constantly.

Second of all,
me "loving crime"

is classic empty bravado.

The truth is I was arrested

when I was 22
for something stupid.

When I got out,
nobody would hire me

because I had
a criminal record.

My dreams of being a landscape
architect were out the window.

- That was your dream?

- I wanted to be the Black
Edward Scissorhands.

- Oh, that's great.
- I get all that,

but that's not
what this is about.

I mean, you could have escaped
from anyone,

but you chose to set me up.

And now my job and my name
are all on the line.

You used me, Doug.
You're a bad friend.

- You're the bad friend.

- I got you a tracksuit.
Tigers and toucs.

- Might as well be a jumpsuit.

A prison jumpsuit.

You're taking me to prison.

The fact that you thought
I'd go willingly

means you don't know me at all.

- Oh, please.
I know everything about you.

- You didn't know
my catchphrase.

- You have never once said
"slurp, slurp" before today.

- That you believe that
is so hurtful.

- Okay, well, there's clearly
only one way to settle this.

- Ignore him and take him
directly to prison.

- A high-stakes trivia contest

to decide who's
the better friend.

- What?
- If I win,

you agree
not to try and escape.

- But if I win,
you agree to let me go.

- Deal.
- That is a bad idea.

I cannot let you take
this risk, Jake.

- It'll be just like game night
at the Camden Senior Center.

You can be Estelle Minderman.

- She's my favorite emcee.
Damn it, I'm in!

- Charles!

- The name of the game
is called,

"Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe,
Are You Fo' Real

Or Just Fo' Show?"
- Little wordy.

- Each contestant will answer
and ask ten personal questions.

Whoever gets the most
correct answers

will be crowned
the better friend.

- Also, there is that whole
"going to prison or not" thing.

- America can't relate

to the prison stuff;
it's too real.

It's a game about friendship,

and may the better friend win.

Jake, you will ask
the first question.

Begin!

- What is my middle name?

- You tell people it's Zack,
but it's really Jeffrey.

- No, it's Zack,
like Zack Morris.

- Point for Doug.

- What is the name
of the alter ego

I use for fancy crimes?

- Lord Poncy Cumbershire.

- 'Tis correct.
- Point for Jake.

- What is my favorite
Knicks memory?

- When they fired Phil Jackson.

- Mm.

Yeah, that was a good day.

- What is the most
embarrassing thing

that's ever happened to me?
- Oh, when you were

cut out of that season
of "Real Housewives"

where you were dating Ramona.
- I wasn't embarrassed.

I was just disappointed
at the way it was handled.

- Yeah.

What is my least favorite word?

- Buttress.

- It just makes me picture
a mattress with a butt.

- What is my least
favorite thing?

- Meringue because it looks
so much better than it tastes.

- It's a trick food!

♪

- Doug's up by one.

Jake, you need to answer
the final question correctly.

Otherwise, he wins.
Doug, lay it on him.

- Hmm.

Jake Peralta,
do I have an earring?

- Um.

What?
- You heard me.

We've been in the car
for three hours.

You've known me
for seven years.

Do I have an earring?

- Oh, no.
I'm drawing a blank.

I can kind of picture
a diamond stud.

- That'd be a good look.

- Or maybe a gold cross
or a little hoop.

- I do have versatile ears.

- Now I'm just seeing it
pretty clearly with no earring.

Ah, this is hard.

But I'm gonna go with my gut
and say...

yes, you do have an earring.

Nothing but lobe?
This whole time?

- Since the day we met.
-

- I guess I know you better
after all.

- Or do you?
- Wait, why are you smiling?

- Because we played you!

If you actually knew me,
you would have known

that I only agreed to do
"Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe,

Are You Fo' Real
Or Just Fo' Show?"

in order to stall.
- I was in on it.

"Estelle Minderman"

is the code word we use
for when there's a twist,

because when Estelle hosts game
night at the Senior Center,

she always makes sure one
of the games has a sexy twist.

- And when I was writing
my answers into my phone,

I was secretly texting
Captain Holt

our vehicle description
and location.

Backup is already on the way.

Wait,
why are you smiling now?

- Because I played you.

I knew you would text
for backup.

So I changed your contacts
while I was DJ-ing.

Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill,
really a lot of Taylor Swift.

So when you were texting
Captain Holt,

you were actually texting
Trudy Judy.

- State troopers
are on their way.

Sincerely, Raymond Holt.

- Now my crew knows exactly
where we are

and exactly what we're driving.

Because I know you mo'.

Slurp, slurp.

- What do we do?
We can't outrun Doug's men.

Boyle bus tops out at 50.
-

I'm calling Holt for help.

- Go for Trudy.
- Oh, damn it!

- Yeah, I changed
all the numbers.

- Come on.
Charles, give me your phone.

All right, all right.

- Peralta, what's going on?
- Sir, I need your help.

Doug Judy tricked me and now
his crew knows our location

and they're on their way
to help him escape.

- Hey, Captain Holt.
- Doug says hi.

- How many times have I warned
you not to trust that man?

- A lot of times.

But honestly, you tell me
not to do things so often,

I kinda just tune it out.

- If Doug Judy escapes,

I can't help you;
you will be fired.

- Okay, I know I messed up.

But can you at least
get us some backup?

- Send me a pin
of your location.

I'll have state troopers
rendezvous with you.

Do Judy's men know
what car you're driving?

- Yes. They--no.
Not for long.

- What the hell is this?

- This is the front
of a Galaxie 500

welded to the back of a Datsun

with half its windows
and no trunk.

It's all I could afford.

- You really think you're gonna

make it to the prison in that?

- Well, we only have
38 miles left.

So sorry, Judy,

but it looks like I have
the upper hand now.

- Door fell off.

So what you want to talk about?

- Nothing.
We're not talking anymore.

No. No, no, no.

No phone call for you.
- She's calling for you.

- Yeah, it was gonna be
another fun road trip surprise.

But you don't deserve it.
- Sup, Rosa?

- ♪ Judy,
Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy ♪

- No, no, no, no, there's no
singing for him now.

- But you made me learn
such a long song.

It has 35 verses
and no chorus.

- I know. I'm sorry.
But plans have changed.

- Let me guess. Doug wasn't
excited about prison

and now he's trying to escape?

- Yes.
- You know it.

-
Good luck, Doug.

-
Thank you for planning that.

What's the next surprise?
- There isn't one.

You ruined it.
There's no more fun.

- So that's how it is?

When it's gonna end
with me in prison,

we can have a good time.

But now it's gonna end with me

riding off into the sunset
a free man,

and we're all moody?

- You're not escaping.

And if you did,
I would lose my badge.

- Maybe it's for the best.
You'd make a dope realtor.

- I don't want to be a realtor.

- You're telling me you don't
want to sell a penthouse

to Zayn Malik and then party
with him afterwards?

- I mean...
that does sound kind of cool.

- Next thing you know,
you're the go-to guy

for all of One Direction's
property needs.

Whoo!

- No! There's too much tension
between Zayn and the others.

You're selling me a pipe dream.

- All I'm saying is you're more
than just your job.

- You know, it doesn't matter.

It still doesn't give you
the right to get me fired.

- Honestly, seems like a small
price to pay for my freedom.

Think about it.
That's all I ask.

- Oh, finally.

- Captain Raymond Holt
called in for backup.

We're supposed to escort you
to the prison.

- Copy that.
Thanks.

- What are y'all wearing?

Tigers and toucans.

Yessir.

- Interesting.
And why isn't he cuffed?

- Uh, don't worry about it.

Peralta knows I wouldn't
physically overwhelm him.

What's happening here is more
of a mental overwhelmsion.

- There's been no overwhelmsion
of any kind.

- And yet I just tricked you
into thinking

"overwhelmsion" is a word.
- No.

- Stay in contact
if you need anything.

- Thank you.

- Hey, if we're not gonna talk,

can we at least
play some music?

Oh, I can get with this.

Oompah-oompah-oompah-oompah,
oompah-oompah-oompah.

- What are you doing?
- Wow.

I can't have
a diverse musical palate?

- I'm not sure what
you're so happy about.

I have backup now.

- I'm choosing to focus

on the journey,
not the destination.

- Suit yourself.

Wait a minute.

This isn't part of your plan.
Is it?

Are the state troopers
actually your guys?

- Sounds like something
I would do.

- I mean, how would you
even have contacted them?

Unless somebody messed
with Holt's phone.

- Classic Doug.

- No, it's crazy.
You're just bluffing.

- Also classic Doug.

- Rerouting.
- Rerouting?

- It's probably nothing.

I'm sure we're going down
a side road

away from the prison
for a good reason.

- Hey, this is Peralta.

Why'd you guys just turn?
Where are you going?

- This is the way
to the prison.

I'm heading into a trap.

Aren't I?
- Hard to say.

- But if those are your guys,
what are they waiting for?

- Don't know.
- But if they're not your guys,

where are we going?
- Unclear.

- I'm calling Charles.

- What's up, Peralta?

- No!
All right, Jake, stay calm.

This all makes sense.
You called for backup.

Then Holt said backup
was coming.

And now they're here.
These guys are real.

If you can't trust them,
you can't trust anyone.

- You're right.
That's good logic.

- I can't trust anyone!

♪

Okay.
We lost them.

I gotta know,
were they actually your guys?

- Nope.
- Damn it! I knew it!

Whatever.

It doesn't matter anyway.
We're almost there.

We're just taking
a different route.

- At the next intersection,
turn left.

- Wait,
this doesn't look right.

- Sure, it does.

We just took a different route,
like you said.

Came in the back way.

- Yeah, but prison
should be visible.

- You have reached
your destination.

♪

- Uh-oh.
-

Slurp, slurp, Peralta.

- Slurp, slurp.
-

- I don't understand.
How did this happen?

- Remember when I switched out
your contacts?

I also changed the destination
in your GPS.

- So we've been driving

to the wrong place
this whole time?

Everything else
was just a distraction?

- I wanted you to focus
on the journey,

not the destination.

- Oh.
- Yeah. I got that from you.

- Dumbass.
- He's not a dumbass, Trudy.

It was a brilliant plan.

- Yeah, that hinged on him
handing you his phone

and not noticing that
he was driving directly to us.

- Yeah, but there was also
some mental misdirection.

- It was a bit
of a chess match; it's true.

- Yeah, a chess match
with a dumbass.

- All right, we gotta move.
Judys, you get in the SUV.

I'll take care of the cop.

- What do you mean,
"take care of him"?

- Shoot him in the face.
- What?

Doug, who are these guys?
- I don't know.

Trudy, who are these guys?

- Well, your old crew split
when you went legit,

so I put a ad for goons
on the internet.

- TaskRabbit?
- Craigslist.

- Trudy, never contact
Craigslist crooks.

- He's a cop.
He's seen our faces.

- It's okay.
He doesn't care about you.

He doesn't even
know your names.

- It's Vince Thompson.
- Don't tell him!

- Look, I'm just after Doug,
that's it.

- Yeah, he's gonna forget
all about you,

guy whose name
I can't even remember.

- It's Vince Michael Thompson.
- What is wrong with you?

- Look, you can let us do
what you hired us to do

or you can join your buddy
in a ditch.

- Fair enough.
Enjoy the ditch, Jake.

- "Enjoy the ditch"?

Those are your final words
to me?

- Hey man, it's not a game,
and I'm not Estelle Minderman.

Life is about choices,
difficult choices

that sometimes--now!

- All right, nobody move!
Stay where you are!

- See you later, dumbass!

♪

- I'll take the prisoner.

- Oh, can you actually
give me one second?

Thanks. Look, Doug,

I'm sorry
it's gotta be like this.

If you're mad at me, I get it.

- I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at myself.

I should never become friends
with a cop.

I mean,
how'd I expect this to end?

- Well, regardless,

thanks for saving me back there

with the Estelle Minderman
thing.

- I wasn't gonna let them
hurt you, Jake.

We're PB and J.
- We're PB and J.

- Yeah.

- I want to hug you,
but you're cuffed.

- You can hug me.

♪

-
Okay, you can take him.

I'll see you soon.

♪

- Peralta, there's a call
for you.

- Oh, is it a casting agent
from "Double Dare"?

I submitted it as a kid.

Maybe they're finally
calling to put me on the show.

- You think they'd be calling
30 years later?

- All right, fine.
I also submitted to the reboot.

- It's not "Double Dare."

It's an inmate
from South Hills state prison.

- Doug Judy.

Hello?
- Hey, Peralta.

What's good?
- Hey, Doug, are you okay?

- I wanted you to know,

and I've been thinking
about it a lot--

I didn't mean what I said.

I'm glad I met you.

Sure, it ended badly,

but we had some good times
along the way too.

We went on a cruise together.

- We flew on Mark Cuban's jet.

- We ate at a restaurant
next to Gail from "Top Chef."

- Yeah, and then you got

so mad at her
about "Last Chance Kitchen."

- I wasn't mad.
I just think it's insane

that they make you go online
to watch it.

The point is I wouldn't trade
those moments for anything.

I'm choosing to focus
on the journey.

- Wait a minute.
What language was that?

- I don't know. Maybe Dutch.
There's a lot of that in here.

You know how active
the Dutch mafia is in Jersey.

- Judy.
- Okay, fine.

Surprise! I'm in Amsterdam!

I escaped from prison.

My wife and I
are living the life here now.

Amsterdam is great.

Jake, they got
universal healthcare,

legalized marijuana,

and the workers are treated
so much better.

But you know
what the best part is?

- That you're a free man again.

- No. Stroopwafels.

They're, like,
these wafer cookies

with caramel in between.

- Oh, yeah, I think I've
seen those at Trader Joe's.

Well, look, I guess
I'm happy that you're happy.

- Well, I owe it all to you.
- What do you mean?

- I think you know what I mean.
- Nope, no idea.

- Really? Because after
we hugged goodbye,

I noticed your pen

was in my pocket.

- Oh, that's weird. It was?

- Uh-huh, and then I used it

to mind freak myself

out of my cuffs
and then out of jail.

- Well, then I guess
it's certainly lucky

that it ended up
in your pocket.

- I wonder how it got there.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess we'll never know.

- Well, however it got there,

I'm glad it did.

I love you, Peralta.

- Love you, too, Judy.

- Tigers and toucs!

- Tigers and toucs.

- Not a doctor.
-