All language subtitles for About.Pie.2021.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX] eng

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Okay.

I'm swimming up stream
a bit here but...

I really do love LA.

I mean, it's okay.

You don't like it here?

No, I do, I like it,
it's just...

there's too many people.

The traffic, it's insane.

The smog is out of control.

Yeah, but we have nice beaches.

People are pretty mellow
so I'd give it like a 50/50.

-Ey, I'll take 50/50.
-Good.

At least you don't hate it.

Yeah, yeah.

Want some?

No, I'm good.

Okay, you're good.

Let's get some pie!

No, I'm too high to be
in public right now.

I can't, I can't do it.

Why didn't you stop us
from getting so high?

I don't know.

-Yeah, I'm really high too.
-I know.

-This is your fault.
-I'm sorry.

Ugh.

Yeah, I'm high.

Damn.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna make pie.

-We're gonna make pie?
-Yeah.

-Like you and me?
-Yeah.

-Together?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, you and me, uh-huh.
-No, we are?

All right.

I'll just take your word for it.

Get it excited for it.
Right now.

-Can you drive?
-I'm good.

I'm good, I'm good.

You can't get pie
but you can drive?

-Right, right.
-Okay.

¶

We're not gonna miss these.

Okay and then for the pie crust.

I don't know, just add water.

¶

Stocks are down.

Which ones?

Uh, the red ones.

¶

Seriously? You still watch
Mel Gibson movies?

Oh, absolutely.

But the whole Jewish thing!

What? I mean, it's art.
It's art.

You wouldn't stop watching
Disney movies, would you?

Mmm, well turns out
he's not quite the bigot

everyone thought he was.

Well, there's gotta be a better
example out there anyway.

-No, no.
-No.

¶

And you know,
I've always thought

that if Mel Gibson and I like
just got to know each other

a little bit,
could turn him around

on the whole Jewish thing.

Right.

¶

Coming in hot.

There you go and one for me.

So ready.

Me too.

-Ugh, okay, yes.
-Here we go.

-Oh.
-This is so bad.

So bad.

It's like really bad.

Don't gag.

No--I'm serious.

Don't you--

Oh my god.

No, no, wait it gets better.

It just tastes
way too authentic.

It tastes kind of sweaty.

It tastes like the inside
of my dogs mouth.

It tastes like when
grandma wants you to stay

but you make up an excuse
but leave anyway.

It tastes like the bottom
of Gandhi's feet.

Yeah it does.

Are you still eating it?

No, no, no.

In cash, yeah.

How long is that going to take?

Okay, all right, thank you,
thank you, bye.

Okay, it's going to be
about an hour.

Well, what do you want to do?

¶

-So addicting.
-Is it?

-This is all I ever need.
-It's over.

I won't move after this day.

¶

(knocking)

¶

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

-Mmm, it's good.
-Mhm, it is.

-It's like really fucking good.
-It's so good.

Well, you are really high
though.

I'm really high.

(chuckling)

So why do you like pie so much?

Hm.

¶

Who doesn't like pie.

I wouldn't trust someone
who doesn't like pie

or dogs.

You always do pie
on the first date?

Hm, I try to, you know.

Why?

¶

It's easy.

It's cheap.

Sometimes--
and this has happened,

sometimes there's no spark,
sometimes it's just not there.

Sometimes I don't like her,
she doesn't like me.

I'm a little anxious,
she's a little boring.

Okay, what's the worst date
you've ever been on?

Let's not call it the worst date
or the best worst date.

-Maybe just the weirdest date.
-Okay?

Cause in the end
I kind of have a good time.

Right, right, right, okay.

-Tell me more.
-Okay, all right.

I think it was like
two years ago.

We're meeting at Dupar's,
I mean, we were getting pie.

Wait, were you wearing
your date-night-shirt?

-This shirt?
-Yeah.

-No.
-Mhm.

-Met her on Tinder.
-Naturally.

And in all of her pictures
she's wearing

very cute,
like pixie-type things.

-Does that make sense?
-Yeah, yeah.

But I was into it,
I was into it.

So wait, what was she wearing
when she rolled up though?

Oh like head-to-toe goth.

Nothing but.

I mean, black dress,

black lipstick,

black veil over her eyes.

-The whole thing.
-Oh my gosh.

And--and I'm not--I'm probably
exaggerating to an extent

but I remember her
just being a foot taller.

Just like looking down at me.

-Wait what did you do?
-What do you mean,

-what did I do?
-Well, did you leave?

-No, no way.
-What? What?

No way, there's rules you know.

You sign up for pie you get me.

Or you sign up for me
and you get some pie.

-One or the other.
-One or the other.

And like I said, it ended up
being a pretty good time.

I would've missed out
on meeting a perfectly decent,

perfectly sweet person.

¶

Wow.

-For real.
-That's sweet of you.

-I have my moments.
-Rare.

This pie is so fucking good.

I'm gonna finish this whole
thing and jump off the roof.

-Uh-oh.
-Oh your hair.

You should wash it.

Aw, lady trying
to save the tramp.

Oh, well can't a lady try?

She can.

¶

Sorry, I completely
lost my train of thought.

What exactly did you want
to talk to me about today?

Oh, oh, yeah, it's...

so I've been taking
my dates out for pie.

So you've been dating, good.

How have you felt different
since you started dating?

I feel like I've been having
these micro relationships.

Why do you use the word micro?

Because it's another word
for small.

All right, it--it feels like
all simmer and no boil.

Yeah sometimes these
things take time to develop.

Yeah well, sometimes they don't.

It's overstated but you
won't know until you try.

-It is overstated.
-Look,

everyone comes into our lives
for a season,

a reason and forever.

Don't worry about the ones
who will be there forever.

Just enjoy the ones
for a season and...

remember the ones for a reason.

Do you understand
what that means?

It means that no one
knows anything.

Look, this isn't a quiz.

Just think about it.

Take it home with ya.

I can take it home with me.

And remember...

A season, a reason and forever.

¶

(laughing)

Oh yeah, I love this movie!

My great Uncle Chester
was just violently murdered.

¶

(laughing)

¶

(shouting)

(slashing)

(laughing)

So she tells me to like trim up

and I'm thinking to myself,
well all right, fine.

What I'll do--and tell me
what your thoughts are here

cause I'm really curious,
I was thinking about doing

a giant fade and then
I was thinking at the bottom

I'd take some Nair and--Dude,
where are you going?

I have a date actually.

Dude, it was The Empire
Strikes Back night.

Every night's
Empire Strikes Back.

Dude, I got your favorite
popcorn from Trader Joe's.

Like, I thought this was
like planned.

I appreciate it, I have
a date with Jackie Collins.

Like, the Jackie Collins?

The Jackie Collins
from high school.

How the fuck did
you pull that off, dude?

We matched on Bumble.

Barry, Barry, Barry.

Barry, Barry, Barry.

Barry, Barry, Barry.

-Barry--
-This is the best part, man.

(shouting)

Shut the fuck up.

Dude, why are you wearing
that shirt?

Why, what's wrong
with this shirt?

I've known you for 16 years,

I think I met you in that shirt.

You cannot be wearing that shirt

on a date with Jackie Collins.

No, it's--I love this shirt.

It's like blue and red.

Are you taking her
to the batting cages?

Cause that's what
it looks like.

You're taking her
to the fucking batting cages.

No, I'm not taking her
to the batting cages.

That shirt sucks your presence
right out of the room

and you need to change
that shirt right now.

This is a good shirt--
Just don't get in my head.

-This is a good shirt.
-You're embarrassing yourself.

No I'm not,
this is a great shirt.

Are you trying to get laid?

Of course, well, maybe,
this is the first date.

-No.
-It's a great shirt.

Go back in your room,
change your shirt.

I will loan you a goddamn shirt.

-I'm not changing the shirt.
-That shirt,

I'm sorry, it's awful.
It's fucking awful.

It's not awful,
it is a quality--

Dude, this is gonna be
the demise of you!

You need to do this for me!

You are not taking that
fucking shirt out with you!

You're not wearing that shirt.

Go back in your room,
change your shirt.

I will loan you a shirt,
that shirt's awful.

-I'm not changing the shirt.
-You're fucking this up for us.

The shirt's fine, I'm fine,
you're fucking with my head.

-This is awful!
-I'm not changing the shirt.

Why? Are you trying to get laid?

You're fucking this up.

You're fucking this up
for both of us.

Once again, once again.

¶

Can I tell you something
you don't know?

Sure.

What don't I know?

I had a huge crush on you
in high school.

What?

You look like you're having
a stroke right now.

I am having a stroke right now.

You had a crush on me
in high school?

-No, you're fucking with me.
-No.

-I don't believe you.
-You should.

But I think I'm Asexual.

You can reproduce by yourself?

What?

No, is that what you think
it means?

That is what that means.

No, not at all.

I'm--I'm pretty sure.

Hammerhead sharks,
banana slugs and Godzilla

can reproduce by themselves.

-That is not what Asexual means.
-Hell yeah.

Alright, 80 percent sure.

You remember the movie
in the '90s, Godzilla

just laid eggs all by itself.

-No, it means--
-Yup, 100 percent.

-That is not what it means.
-Are you sure?

It means I don't have
sexual feelings.

What?

Yeah, I just don't enjoy sex.

-You don't enjoy sex at all?
-Yeah.

I mean, I've always known
I was different but...

-I've never had an orgasm.
-Uh-huh.

Every guy says,
"I'll give you an orgasm"

-and he never does.
-Right but what happens

-when you're having sex?
-Oh, I let them do their thing.

You just let them
do their thing?

Ugh.

It's completely consensual.

No, not that part,
the other part.

I guess I'm just imagining
if it were me

and someone else telling me
that everything I'm doing

when I'm having sex is not,
like they're not enjoying any

part of it, that horrifies me.

On a really deep level.

I mean, I'm sorry, that sucks.

I'm sorry that you don't
enjoy sex but like fuck,

oh my god, like I can see it.

Sex is awesome.

I mean, I love having sex.

You really don't enjoy
having sex?

Like ever, ugh.

Oh my god, we're making out.

We are making out.

Are you sure?

Yeah, why not?

The whole Asexual thing.

Come on, I said I think
I might be Asexual.

There's only one way
to find out.

If you say so.

(grunting)

(video game chattering)

Yeah! Who's your sensei, bitch!

Nope, it's bow to your sensei.

Whatever, dude.

You always play
with fucking Kirby, dude.

-Such a bullshit character.
-Such a hack.

Ugh, hate the player, boys,
hate the player.

Yeah, whatever
that fucking means.

Oh! Did you see
that Falcon punch?

Ugh, fucker.

Oh, you like that?

Oh, Falcon punch!

Get ready to get fucked!

You guys have serious
fucking shit to work through.

Well, eventually
he'll put pants back on.

Yeah, after I'm done fucking
eating ass right now.

-Fucker.
-Yeah, that's exactly what

I'm talking about,
you guys spend way too much

-fucking time together.
-Dammit!

Ugh, ugh.

Oh, dude, aren't you going out
with what's-her-face?

Yup, I'm going out with
what's-her-face.

Nice, nice.

Are you gonna
put it in this time?

Or are you gonna bite the bullet
and jerk off as usual?

Well, I always bite the bullet
and jerk off

but last time we did some stuff.

So did ya put it in?

Dude, why are you so interested?

I don't know, I mean, trust me,
when he doesn't let laid

we all suffer.

Fuck yeah!

-Yeah, motherfucker.
-Quit plaguing me, dog.

-Ugh.
-Oh, aw damn, come on.

Oh yeah, fuck yeah.

Oh yes!

Suck it bitch! Who's your daddy?

Up top! Yeah, fuck you.

You play with Kirby
and you do the whole like--

if it ever gets down
to one life left

you swallow me, drag me
to the bottom and win.

Fucking hack character.

Such a hack character.

I mean, this has been fun.
It's been great.

Whoa dude, hang on,
we're having a tourney here.

This wasn't a tourney this was--

Dude, we've only been playing
for like four hours.

We're like not even
halfway there.

Why does it always have
to be a tourney with you?

And if this isn't a tournament
what is a tournament?

We need to get to
the hand level.

-The hand level.
-Are you guys like really...

Okay, fine but seriously though.

Like, we're not even like at
like the Donkey Kong level,

dude and you're already
giving up?

I mean, yeah, I'm good
but am I that good?

No.

Accept the challenge.

You won, take the win.

I am taking the win.

But you didn't accept
the challenge.

I mean, I love this,
I love this.

-This was exhausting.
-This was, yeah,

it was exhausting,
I have a date.

Taking her out for pie again,
aren't ya?

As a matter of fact,
I am not taking her to pie but--

-Good, thank god.
-What's wrong with pie?

Everything's wrong with pie,
dude.

-Nothing is wrong with pie.
-You're a grown ass man.

How many times
do I have to explain this?

The pie works.

-The pie works, Garrett.
-Pie is like,

"Oh, I'm gonna go take my
grandmother to Cocos for pie."

No, no, no, no this is
Jackie fucking Collins.

At least fake
like you have money.

-Do something.
-Not everyone can be like you

going around picking up chicks
like a big, sweaty, hairy

-Pepé Le Pew.
-I'm just saying that you--

you need to grow up--
you need to grow up.

-What? Like a bar?
-Exactly.

You need to take her out
to a bar.

-Everyone enjoys pie.
-Who doesn't like pie?

-Pies work for him.
-Okay, in the past

but not with Jackie Collins,
cause this--

Jackie Collins
is not like any other girl, man

and you need to respect her
like that, okay.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

¶

Uh, hoo-hoo.

How ya doing, champ?

Very funny.

It's uh, quite hoppy.

I love this bar
though it's um...

-it's very festive.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-It's fun.

My friends and I used
to come here a lot.

Oh wow, thirsty?

Uh, just a tad.

-So how's your parents?
-Oh they're good.

Both semi-retired and living
their best lives of course.

As they should.

They're always asking
if I'd like to move back home.

Nah, I could not live at home.

All my friends have
like managed to not--

they don't live at home
but they like slowly moved

closer to the neighborhoods
we all grew up in.

-You know?
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-No.

How's your fam doing?

They're divorced
but it's--it's fine.

It's--It's fine.

They're--it's better
that they're, you know,

they needed it but I don't know
what they're gonna do,

I mean, when I one day
get married

and they're forced to be
in the same room

for an extended period
of time but.

Yeah, that's actually all my
parents keep talking about now.

-Yeah?
-When I'll get married.

Yeah, mine have moved on
from the

"When are you getting married"

to the "Please get married"

and eventually the "Don't
die alone" phase you know.

Well, to divorced parent
problems, you know.

Woo!

Well, you can always marry me.

Yeah.

Why is that so funny?

It's not.

I would be so lucky.

Yes, you would.

¶

-(indistinct mumbling)
-Shh, you'll wake up my aunt.

-So this is home.
-Turn the light off!

¶

¶

What's wrong with me, doctor?

-What?
-Oh yeah.

We're mid doing stuff, right?

And she stops and says
"What's wrong with me, doctor?"

What did you say?

¶

Nothing,
nothing's wrong with you.

-Nothing? You said nothing?
-Yeah.

-Why didn't you roleplay?
-I don't--I don't know.

-What's wrong with you?
-I just ignored it.

I don't know what to--
I don't roleplay.

So you're telling me that you're
in bed with Jackie Collins

about to roleplay
and you did nothing?

We did under the pants stuff.

So you did nothing
and you got nothing.

This is literally
the worst day of my life.

The worst day of our lives.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Are you kidding me?

What would you have done?

What would I have done?

Oh let me tell you what--

¶

(moaning)

Oh, we shouldn't be doing this.
It's so wrong.

This is so wrong,
what if my husband finds out?

He won't, babe.

Fuck me, Dr. G!

¶

What's the point?

Are we going to
hang these things by

-highest grossing or not?
-On the contrary,

we're going to go by
best reviewed by critics.

Therefore, we're going to do
The Empire Strikes Back

and then I think A New Hope

and then lastly,
we'll do Return of the Jedi.

¶

(typing)

Hey man, sorry I'm late.

Hey buddy, it's all good.

Next time just um--fuck it,
I don't...

Oh hey, by the way--
ugh man, what are you wearing?

Come on.

You said a collared shirt.
This is a collared shirt.

It's a collared shirt,
that's a stupid collared shirt.

You look like a drug dealer man,
from the '80s

in Miami who's 12.

Well, that's exactly
what I'm going for.

So you definitely have a virus.

Uh, have you downloaded
anything unusual lately?

What would be unusual?

Something in Russian

or Czechoslovakian?

¶

Hey man, gonna need you
to come in over the weekend

-and reset everything.
-Do I have a choice?

(chuckling)

Nope.

¶

¶ If we had forever ¶

¶ I hope we'd just get better,
better, better ¶

¶ That's why it's such a shame,
yeah ¶

¶ The ways we say
the same, same, same ¶

¶ Same, same, same ¶

¶ Next motel ¶

¶ We'll give a try ¶

¶

¶ Ring a bell they'll deny ¶

¶ Lie ¶

¶

¶ When the black
is all you see ¶

¶ Then it falls on me ¶

Fuck! God fucking dammit!

Ugh!

(phone ringing)

-Hi Mom.
-Hi honey.

-This is your mother.
-How are you?

I'm good, you know,
I'm just peachy.

What do you mean peachy?

Like sunburned?

No, not like sunburned peachy,
like--

-how are you?
-I'm okay.

I'm drinking a little new wine.

It's called Rose-y.

Ah, rosé everyday, am I right?

-Have you tried it?
-Yeah, yeah, you know,

-it's kind of fancy.
-It's good.

I'm not sure I--I feel it
at all but...

-How's work?
-Work is good.

Just another day
of being underqualified

and underpaid it's...

You could always go back
to school, sweetheart.

Or do porn.

Sweetheart I love you

but I have seen your penis.

Okay, that's--that's...

yeah, thanks Mom,
I just, I really--

It's a wonderful penis.

All I'm saying is--

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,
ya just--no, okay?

-I gotta go.
-Really? Why?

Because I have a date
and this isn't exactly the--

you know,
pep talk I had in mind.

Okay, okay, I get it.

-I love you.
-I love you too, Mom.

Oh and call your father.

Make sure he's still alive.

God knows who feeds that man.

Uh, okay I will.

Buh-bye.

¶

-That shirt is--
-That shirt.

I mean, our colors
totally match.

-They're great, it's great.
-It's amazing.

They're kind of like
druggie shirts but I mean,

if anything our shirt game
is on point.

-Enjoy.
-Thank you.

-What's your zodiac sign?
-Mine? Uh, Taurus.

Oh my god, literally
all of my friends are Tauruses.

-Are they?
-Yeah.

Hm, that's wow.

Hello, my name is Bailey

and I'm gonna be playing
you guys a song.

Me? I am a Scorpio
with a rising sign of Aquarius.

Well, technically,
the astrological signs

have been shifting over
the last thousand years or so

and like I was a Taurus right?

According to science
I'm actually an Aries.

So what--uh sorry, what'd
you say what was yours again?

-A Scorpio.
-Right, so by the time

you were born
it was actually a Libra.

It's funny,
like I read Aries again

and after I read it enough
it just sounded

exactly the same to Taurus.

And you know how it said
you're sensual?

They never explicitly say
who's not sensual, you know.

Well, you know Aries actually
tend to be hyper athletic,

so you know,
don't worry about it.

I don't even like pie.

¶... For small town kids ¶

¶

¶ Hack up the thistle
like I've always done ¶

¶ I've jumped back down
and I've jumped back up ¶

¶

¶ And we'll drink muddy water ¶

¶ Cause we know it only
makes us stronger ¶

¶

¶ I don't give a damn if you
do or you don't no longer ¶

¶

¶ Run to the hollow
by the old trash plant ¶

¶ The pig farms closed
but kids are still live wire ¶

¶ Run to the river
by the jumping bridge ¶

¶ You'll meet all kinds ¶

¶ When you're a small town kid ¶

¶

¶ And we'll drink muddy water
cause we know ¶

¶ It only makes us stronger ¶

¶

¶ I don't give a shoot ¶

¶ But alright if you do ¶

¶ No longer ¶

¶

(clapping)

Thank you.

¶

Oh, hey, it's you.

No pie today?

No, my pie had other plans.

¶

You played well tonight.

You play well
every night though.

Right, you're there a lot.

Yeah, so are you.

I am, every Thursday.

Every Thursday.

-What can I get you?
-A pilsner.

You got it.

So seriously, why pie?

It's fucking cheap

and it tastes good.

Thanks, I'm gonna leave it open.

Who doesn't like pie?

¶

What happened to that one?

It's a quiche.

You uh, you work for quiche?

Not only quiche.

They feel bad
that they pay us so little so

they make it up in pie.

And you chose quiche?

-It doubles as breakfast.
-Hm.

¶

So seriously,
why do I always see you there?

For the music.

Another round?

Yes but really dirty this time.

Like really dirty.

-Like filthy.
-I got it.

Slap me in the face first
kind of filth.

I got it.

¶

I uh, I never got your name.

Bailey.

Some people call me Bay.

Do you uh, play pool, Bailey?

Do you know how to play pool?

Does it matter?

Okay, so nothing's
gonna happen here

between you and me.

Right, I get it, you're gay.

Yeah, I actually am gay.

Dope.

¶

Pool?

¶

-So music is neat.
-It sure is.

-Is that why you're out here?
-It's why I stayed.

Do tell.

¶

Classic story of another girl
chasing another girl to LA.

Tried and true tale.

So where's this young woman now?

She moved back to Chicago.

Oh yeah?
Is that where you're from?

Sure is.

Good ol' Chicago.

So why'd you stay out here?

Well...

I've been playing music
my whole life

and when she left me for a guy

who worked at the bar
she worked at

I started writing
super depressing songs about it.

Ah, man.

So she was gay and is not--

I don't think
she ever really was gay.

¶

I think it really is just
a phase for some people.

¶

About a year later I found out
that she got pregnant

and moved back.

Had to find out through
a mutual friend of ours.

-Uck.
-She probably did me a favor.

What favor was that?

¶

Well...

Had I not chased her
all the way out here

I wouldn't be working
day in and day out

at a music career
to justify it all.

¶

You got any plans
after this epic game of pool?

Uh, no, normally I'm better

but to answer your question, no.

Oh, normally you're better?

Oh wow.

Normally I'm much worse,
so there you go.

Evens out.

¶

Want to smoke some weed?

Not here.

¶

(sighing)

Okay, so keeping in mind
that I find you unattractive.

-Totally.
-And all penis is super gross.

-So gross.
-Do you want to come back

to my place, smoke some weed
and listen to music

the way it's meant to be
listened to?

In women's clothing?

What?

No.

No.

-Uh.
-No.

-On vinyl.
-On vinyl.

-Are you gay?
-I'm not gay.

-That was kind of gay.
-Isn't everyone a little gay?

You know, never mind sorry, no.

I'd love to...

-do what you just said.
-Cool.

Let's get out of here.

¶

Ah.

It's so big.

What?

Look at all this stuff.

Did I say you could
touch anything?

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Be careful.

Yes, ma'am.

What do you think?

Good, it's like uh,
breakfast at midnight right?

What?

You think I haven't had
quiche before?

I've had quiche.

I'm cultured.

Look at you,
living up to the hipster name.

Shall we?

¶...And run away ¶

¶ I know you're going to...¶

I know a little French.

Oh?

Je suis un espion.

You're a spy?

Is that what that means?

-So what do you do?
-Well, a few different things.

Uh, I'm an IT guy.

¶...All I'm asking you now
is to walk away from my life ¶

You like it?

I don't love it but, I mean...

¶ I bet you got it wrong ¶

¶ The moment you
laid your eyes on me ¶

...I don't sit around
thinking about

when is the day going to end
or you know,

you know,
staring out the window

wishing I would die.

There's worse things in life.

What about you?

Well, between all my little
shows and singing lessons

and some bartending
I barely scrape by.

Yeah but you love it.

Yeah, sometimes I do.

Uh, sometimes I wonder why
I'm doing it.

I mean, I'm not waiting
for the day to end

but I just...

between all my little projects
and...

the progress I think I'm making

and work I find it's all
just blending together

and watching my life in a blur
pass through a bus window.

Now that was some hashtag art.

Loneliness breeds inspiration.

That's what I tell everybody.

-I look like my mother.
-Nice.

¶ I bet you got it wrong
the moment ¶

¶ You laid your eyes on me ¶

I look like my mother.

¶ First and last
gone in my universe ¶

¶ Time to move on
and pack your stuff ¶

¶ And run away ¶

¶

¶ I know you think it hurts ¶

¶ I know you think it hurts ¶

¶ I know you think it hurts ¶

¶ I know you think it hurts ¶

¶ I know you think it hurts...¶

¶

If you can imagine this

you can imagine me
anywhere you want.

(birds chirping)

¶

(computer rattling)

Okay.

¶

I mean, I'm assuming, yes,
people work here,

but not on the weekends,

and that's why
they have me come in.

Siri, how do I open a Dell?

Now playing Adele.

(keyboard clacking)

¶

It's mostly just
unplugging stuff

and plugging it back in.

¶

There's free coffee.

I'm not just gonna eat
people's food out of the fridge.

¶

You got this,
you got this.

You're the man.

Who's the man? You're the man.

I'm the man, yeah.

(humming)

Ooh, blueberry!

(chuckling)

Would you fuck me?

I'd fuck me.

I'd fuck me hard.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

¶

(inaudible)

No!

-No way!
-100 percent, yeah.

It was extremely embarrassing.

How much weed did you eat?

Well, like enough to, you know,
pass out in front of,

in front of everybody,
the stewards,

the steward, you know,

-flight operators...
-You're so cute.

...you know,
whatever they're called.

-Oh, my God!
-Mm-hm.

Well, what else happened?

Well, I woke up,

and people were yelling, "Is
there a doctor on the plane?"

-The whole--
-Oh!

Yeah.

-No, I can barely believe that.
-Top ten.

I know, me too.

One of the most
embarrassing things

that's ever happened to me.

But, uh, like,
they let me lay down,

and they kept bringing me
snacks, like orange juice,

-and all this stuff.
-Oh!

-Did they?
-They did.

-Oh, you're on to something.
-Mm.

(laughing)

Uh, baggage claim was

-extremely, extremely awkward.
-Oh, I bet.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

-This pie!
-Yeah, it's so cute!

-It's like a little shot of pie!
-It's so cute!

It's so cute.

I love it, it's little like me!

(laughing)

-Mm, I'm sorry.
-Oh.

¶

You mind if I take this?

-No, it's okay.
-Okay.

-Yeah.
-I'll be back.

-One sec.
-Okay.

¶

Okay, Dad,
have you called 9-1-1?

No, no, I,

I'm in bed.

You're fine?

You feel fine now?

I'm feelin' better,
I just, when I get up,

I feel like everything
starts spinning around.

Well, all right,
if at any point,

this--it feels--you get worse,

you're gonna hang up
and dial 9-1-1, right?

Okay.

-Okay?
-Yeah, okay.

-You promise?
-I promise!

Well, other than this
life-threatening situation,

how are you,
did you catch the game?

Ugh, the game.

That's probably why I'm dyin'.

Dad, you're not dying, okay?

You're not dying.

Those bums, did you see that?

They lost by 20 points!

But, yeah, that was awful.

They, they, they, they,
they blow this year.

They're just gonna have to
suck for a little while, it's--

You're not dying, the point is
you're not dying, okay?

-I don't wanna hear it.
-Eh.

Dad, I can't do this.

I'm gonna call
the paramedics, okay?

¶

Dad, Dad.

Hey, buddy, how's it goin'?

It's goin', how are you?

Me? I'm fine,
I'm feelin' better!

-Yeah?
-Yeah!

Can you get outta bed? What's--?

Well, I got outta bed
a little while ago.

I got a little woozy,
but I feel okay.

Nah, nah, Dad, come on,
we talked about this.

I'm calling,
I'm calling 9-1-1, okay?

-Ah, come on, don't call 9-1-1.
-No, I gotta.

No, really,
you don't have to call.

-Yes, I do!
-Do me a favor, just stay here

with me tonight, that's all.

Let me look up,
I gotta look up the symptoms.

Like, you, like, I--

Well, you can
look up the symptoms.

I don't know what you
think you're gonna find

-over there, I'm fine!
-Well, I'm just, you know,

lookin' 'em--uh, right, right.

Um, okay, well, it could be

a cold, the flu,

indigestion, gas,

stomach cancer,

gonorrhea,

fuckin' super AIDS, I don't

know why I thought
that would help.

I'm callin', I'm doin' it,
I'm callin' 9-1-1, okay?

-Is that what you wanna do?
-Yeah.

Yes, it is, yes.

Yes, I'm--

You wanna call 9-1-1?

Yeah, I'm calling 9-1-1.

-All right, fine, call 9-1-1.
-I'm--yes.

9-1-1? Yeah, of course,
this is an emergency.

¶

What are you staring at?

¶

Guess you're just
a little out of focus.

¶

Hey, buddy, wake up, wake up!

Wake up!

What's up?

-How you feelin' today?
-Oh, well,

better now that you're here.

All right, well, Robert,

tests came back,
everything looks good.

You do have
an inner ear infection,

which can sometimes lead to

dizziness and nausea
at your age,

but everything else looks good.

So, you're actually in
fairly good health.

Just an ear infection!

That's great news.

That's it?

So let me ask you
a question then.

Why'd I fake
my own heart attack?

Think you need a different
kind of doctor for that.

-Thank you, thank you.
-You're welcome.

All right, we'll get you guys
checked out in a second, okay?

Did you see the pair
of hands on her?

(blowing raspberry)

Someone like her,
I should be

fakin' heart attacks
all the time!

-No!
-Wow!

-Yeah!
-I do know, but no.

You know what,
after lookin' at her,

I don't know why
I fought you to come here.

She's not out of the room.

If I'm gonna die,

I don't give a shit what I say.

One, you're not gonna die.

She just told you that,
and two--

Don't take me home.

Leave me here.

You don't want your
last words to be...

'Cause I'm just gonna stay here.

..."Check out the hands
on Dr. Knockers," okay?

Yeah, that's--I would love that!

Put it on my tombstone,
I don't care.

Doesn't matter, who cares?

(laughing)

Yeah, I saw 'em.

Huh, sucks gettin' old.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, I bet.

You know, dyin' sometimes

just scares the shit outta me?

You're just so you about it
though, you're, you know...

-Well, what am I gonna do?
-...nothin' gets to you.

I know, but what am I gonna do,
freak you out?

-I'm not gonna do that.
-I know, I know, I know.

Look, I want you
to know something.

Dad, it's been such
a long night, I can't.

I know, could you just
listen to me for a minute?

-Yeah.
-Your mom,

she's probably gonna
walk into the ocean,

or do some kinda
hippie bullshit.

Not me!

Uh-uh, I'm goin' out
the way I came in,

kickin' and screamin'.

-I believe you.
-You better believe it.

I love you, Dad.

I know.

(patting)

I am gonna go get some sleep.

Go for it.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

If you're hungry,
have a piece of pie

before you go to bed.

That's a good idea.

-I'll see you in the mornin'.
-See ya, Dad.

¶

(inaudible)

¶

Sweet or savory?

What?

For breakfast,
sweet or savory?

Savory.

Good, 'cause all we have are
eggs, toast, and beans.

¶

So the other night,

I'm watching Return of the Jedi
at my friend's place,

for the 50th time probably,

and there's this big battle
at the end of the movie

between the evil
Empire's storm troopers

and the Ewoks.

And the Ewoks are just
mowin' down storm troopers.

They're killin' 'em
left and right.

And it dawns on me that

every single one
of these storm troopers,

right, is a person.

They're a soldier,
and their entire career

as a storm trooper has
led up to this big battle,

and they're killed
by these little

fuzzy teddy bears.

And then the rest of the movie,

that's all I think about.

Well, clearly, your father's
episode has affected you,

and that's natural.

It turned out he was okay.

So, I mean, I do worry
about him being alone

as much as he is.

How's your dating life?

My dating life is fine.

Are you dating?

Here and there.

What about all the pie dates

-you told me about?
-Right.

I, I want--

We should not call them
pie dates anymore.

Please?

Okay, fair enough,
but they're interesting.

They say something
about your state of mind.

They're fine, in that case.

You're worried about
your father being alone.

Right.

Your father wouldn't be alone
if he hadn't left your mother.

I think deep down,
you realize this.

Are you worried
about being alone?

Uh.

Have you ever thought
about journaling?

No.

Some people like to
write or record their

thoughts or feelings
as a way of archiving them.

Putting their past
experiences behind them.

Why don't you give it a try.

Sure.

Why not?

¶ Don't get too close ¶

What was that about
Aquarians being smarter?

Oh, that they're
smarter than everyone?

Yeah, they're
smarter than everyone.

-Uh-huh.
-It's fact.

But how do you know that?

¶

-'Cause I'm an Aquarius.
-Oh!

You're the only ones who know

that you're smarter
than everyone.

Yeah, otherwise,

the secret would be out,
you know?

¶ Help me fly ¶

This is fuckin' bullshit.

We need to get back on top.

I didn't even know this is real.

With coins,
but they are not real,

but they're coins.

Talkin' about Bitcoin.

The little coins.

(phone ringing)

Okay.

-They're not actual real coins.
-That's what I'm saying,

they're little coins
that are fake.

-Hey, Jackie!
-What up, slut?

How's it goin'?

Just left the bar, going home.

What are you up to?

I am also havin' a beer...

No, it's a thing that exists,
there's cryptocurrencies--

...with friends.

Really?

Don't believe you.

You're at home, aren't you?

Fuckin' liar.

(laughing)

You're gonna
fuck me tonight, right?

-Yeah.
-Yeah!

Come over!

-It is late.
-I'm trying to tell you

about a little coin
you put on the internet.

-That's what I'm saying.
-It's not real!

Shh, you're coming over
already, right?

'Cause I'm down.

Come over right now!

I'm a fuck you!

You're gonna fuck me!

-Or I'm gonna fuck something.
-Okay, yeah, yeah.

-I'll fuck this Uber driver.
-Oh, uh.

-Right now?
-Come over

-right now.
-In 30 minutes, yeah.

Okay, too much talking,
enough talking, bye!

Hello?

Okay.

¶

(heavily breathing)

What's up?

¶

Coffee machine out?

Yup, looks like it.

You try, uh,

unplugging it
and plugging it back in?

It's an I, IT joke.

(awkwardly chuckling)

So it started with

my therapist suggesting that I

-keep a journal.
-Mm-hm.

Um, but, I'm not
a 14 year-old girl...

-No.
-...anymore.

-Yeah.
-So,

I thought I'd try writing
something, you know,

substantial.

-Nice.
-Yeah, I don't know.

You write anything?

I write jokes.

I have a regular spot

every Friday night

in the annex of the Rusty Hole.

Oh.

Can you, uh,
can you tell me a joke?

I have a joke.

What do you call a little person

who is a psychic,

who has just
escaped from prison?

I don't know.

A small medium

at large.

(laughing)

That's...

-Uh.
-You wanna split that cookie?

¶

-Jesus fuck!
-Where you goin'?

I'm goin' out, man.

And I'm wearing this shirt,
I can't--

-Don't.
-What?

Don't start with the shirt.

I'm, I'm getting pie,

I'm wearing this shirt,

-she's buying.
-With who?

-You know who.
-Jackie?

Wasn't that her, like, last
night at 2:00 in the morning?

It was.

What happened?

(heavily breathing)

(sighing)

Dude, fuck that chick.

Seriously.

I'm, I'm trying.

You gotta give me a break.

Like, get her outta your life.

Okay? Seriously.

What?

What I'm saying, okay,
is that, like,

she is taking advantage of you,

and I think that she knows that.

And I, and I really think that
you just need to cut ties.

I honestly--
You're such a great guy,

and I just think that, you know,

life's too short.

Okay.

Sometimes the fucking you get

ain't worth the fucking
you're gonna get.

And I just think that

it's time to just move on, dude.

Are you hungry?

¶

Fucking starving, dude.

¶

(indistinct speaking)

¶

-Okay, one for you.
-Sweet, dude.

Just got a killer match
on Tinder as well.

-Oh, did you?
-About fuckin' time.

You gonna take her out for pie?

More like pizza.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Cheers.

¶

(inaudible)

¶

How do we make delicious,
inexpensive home cooking

a regular part of our lives?

Taste of Home, that's how.

-So grab A Taste of Ho--
-What are you doing?

I'm taking the label off,
it, uh,

-has a price tag on it.
-All right, good,

yeah, that's a good call.

Oh, how late are we?

Twenty minutes, should we knock?

I don't know.

-Well, fuck it.
-Uh, well,

ring the doorbell, right?

-Just ring the doorbell.
-All right, whatever.

I think they have dog--

Well, we'll find out,
I don't know.

-Hi!
-Hey! Hey!

-Hello!
-How's it goin'?

-Hey!
-Good, how are you?

-What's goin' on?
-Come on in!

¶

Okay, everyone.

Here we go.

You two wanna play that?

No ma'am.

Mm-mm.

What?

-Nolan, my love...
-Yes, dear?

...we're gonna put you
over here on chicken duty.

Garret, you're just gonna

wait there until
we have something ready,

and then you can take it
into the living room.

-You!
-Me!

You are gonna be
on appetizer duty

with me!

Yay!

Think you can handle that?

Yes.

-Yes, ma'am, okay.
-There we go.

All righty, let's hop to!

(indistinct speaking)

There's more wine.

-All right, yes.
-Appetizers.

Yes, just nice and pretty.

You are the worst!

I'm okay.

Is that what you
tell all the ladies?

Maybe.

What are you guys doing?

We're gonna go drinking.

Yeah, where the hell
is the wine?

Hey, hey!

No, you're waiting for us

to get something together.

-In the meantime--
-And then bringing it.

We're cooking!

-We're gettin' ready!
-What? Your liver?

Hi!

(screaming)

-Good to see you!
-Oh, my God, look at you!

You look so cute!

-Amazing! Oh, my God!
-Hi!

-So good to see you!
-Oh, our brand,

that was nice of you.

-Oh, they got our brand!
-Yeah, should we open it?

Okay.

Well, let me get involved.

¶

(indistinct speaking)

¶

It's like the first wine
I've had in weeks.

Why, 'cause you still
had the juice before?

-Oh, God.
-No, you didn't.

-You did it?
-I did it.

-I regret it.
-Oh, my God, tell me.

It was horrible,
you know I need my carbs.

-Yes!
-Right, and then none.

-Oh, my God.
-It's just liquids going in.

Yeah, fruits, veggie, nothing.

But you gotta clean it out.

You gotta get all--I mean,
do you know how much

I'm about to eat tonight?

Turkey blackout, bitch!

Ah, it's gonna be so good!

I got these three
clients now, you know.

I guess, to be honest,

it's really just,
it's overwhelming, man.

Like, I want the food baby
to be so exaggerated

that it looks like
I'm like six months pregnant.

And we're all like,
"What happened?"

-Exactly.
-Okay, right.

That's why I wore,
like, the kinda flowy

-material.
-And it's like I'm on this

rotation of, like,
every six hours,

just non-stop,
you know what I mean?

And it's like,
I'm lucky if I only sleep like

four hours a night.

-It's Ryan, right?
-Yeah.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice bow tie.

Thank you, bow ties are,

-bow ties are cool.
-It's pretty red.

Yeah.

¶

(laughing)

And that's why
I'll never go back

-to Tijuana.
-Pipe down, you fools.

-Oh.
-Ooh.

Shh, shh!

-Mom, Mom has a speech.
-Oh, God.

Okay, okay.

Welcome to another annual

-Friendsgiving.
-Whoa, no, no.

Come on, no,
it's not Friendsgiving.

We're not ready to grow up, Mom.

Not this year.

Are you kidding,
I can barely take

-care of myself.
-Do you want me

-to do the speech, instead?
-Yeah!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Welcome to another annual
turkey blackout.

-Yeah!
-Yeah, that sounds about right.

All right.

-Cheers to that.
-Cheers.

Anyway,

as some of you know,

some of us are
coming up on ten years

of being friends
with each other.

-We did it.
-Don't say it out loud!

I know, it's crazy!

And it's because
we love each other.

-We do.
-And we're there for each other

-no matter what.
-Ugh, can we eat already?

And we will always
be there for each other.

You hear that?

-No matter what.
-You talkin' about me?

-Here, here!
-That was right to you.

Quicker we toast,
the quicker we eat.

But it's like this night.

¶

(indistinct speaking)

What number is that?

Uh...

¶

-Did you make this?
-No.

This glass is, like,
five, I think.

I consume pie,
I don't actually make it.

-Yeah, baby.
-How do you do that?

Uh, what?

Love something,
at the same time,

squeeze the fuckin'
life out of it.

Fuck you.

Can I finish my pie first?

(inaudible)

Catch up?

Okay, blackout starting now.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

(laughing)

(indistinct speaking)

No, you feed me, I feed you.

¶

What are you doing?

Oh, just making myself at home.

Uh-huh, I could tell.

What happened?

You and Soph.

Nothing?

¶

What did you do?

Like, literally nothing?

Not like a ghosting
exactly, but, yeah.

Just didn't call.

I know.

¶

You are the worst.

I, I really am.

¶

As long as you know.

(laughing)

¶

(sighing)

¶

You've got this
complex about you,

like you wanna
meet a girl and save her.

Well, I don't know
what to tell you,

but that's not how it works.

You can't just go around
saving everyone.

¶

Can't just go around
saving everyone.

I'm not trying to save everyone.

I'm just trying to save you.

Just you.

I never asked you
to save me!

("save me" echoing)

How's the writing coming?

The writing is okay.

Uh, I haven't, I haven't
been writing lately.

How come?

Um, how do I write
something that I

kind of don't know yet?

The big, the big
question in it is

who does the character
end up with?

So, who do I end up with?

Maybe you don't wanna
end up with anyone.

Maybe.

Seems kinda bleak though.

Maybe you don't want
there to be an ending.

¶

No one likes endings.

¶

Do you remember
the last day of high school?

Of course.

I had a lacrosse game,
and...

(sighing)

...it was such a hard season,

the coach, Ms. Muskin,
she yelled at me

all season long,
"Get the ball!

Go faster, shoot harder!"

Ugh, I was so
ready to graduate

and play in college.

And then after that last game...

(sighing)

...I just sat in
the locker room and bawled.

(inaudible)

'Cause I realized I was never
gonna play for Ms. Muskin again.

I was never gonna

be with my friends, and--

it was over,
and it was horrible.

¶

No one likes endings,

but they're a part of life.

(inaudible)

¶

Man.

You know,

sometimes I come in here

in a pretty even mood,

and I leave just
totally fucked up.

(laughing)

-Yeah, I bet.
-Uh-huh.

-One more service I provide.
-Right, right.

Thank you.

¶

Oh, I didn't see you there.

¶

Hello, students!

Welcome back to another episode

of Moonlight Bakers Club.

I'm your teacher,
Ms. Cherry, and tonight

we'll be baking a peach cobbler.

Let's get started!

All right, bakers,
so first things first,

we're gonna make our pie crust.

So we're gonna bring together
flour, salt, and sugar

and combine until it's
just flakey and perfect.

Next up, we add cold butter
and shortening to the mixture,

process for about 10 seconds

until it begins to look
like a coarse meal texture.

¶

Next step,
we're gonna drizzle in

three tablespoons of cold water.

And once it begins
to clump together, stop.

You may need to add
one more tablespoon

of this cold water
for it to come together.

¶

Roll the dough
with a rolling pin

to about a 12-inch circle

and transfer to a pie plate.

¶

And remember guys, don't
panic if it's not perfect.

You can fix it
in the pie plate later.

It's just baking!

All right, now that
our crust is set,

we're gonna shift gears

and make our peach
cobbler filling.

All right,
to prepare the peaches,

you'll slice or dice,

and then place them
into the pie dish.

Once they're in the pie dish,
you'll sprinkle the peaches

with your sugar, corn starch,

mix evenly,

and spread out
throughout the dish.

¶

To create your cobbler batter,

you'll bring together
in a large bowl

your butter, sugar,
vanilla, and milk.

(inaudible)

From there,
you'll add your flour,

baking powder, and salt
into the mixture

and combine well.

The batter will be thick

with a cookie
dough-like consistency.

Using a spatula,
or your hands,

sprinkle the batter
on top of the peaches

spread out just a little bit.

It doesn't have to be perfect

or cover all the peaches.

And the last step,

bake for 30 to 35 minutes,

or until the crust
is golden brown

and the peaches
are just bubbling.

Let's bake!

¶

(inaudible)

¶

(inaudible)

¶

(inaudible)

¶

(inaudible)

¶

(inaudible)

¶

(cars passing)

¶

Oh, I have a fuckin' moustache.

-Wow, you finally cut your hair!
-Oh, yeah!

-Look at you!
-Thanks for, thanks for,

thanks for meeting me,

and seeing the new me.

Yeah!

Sort of.

I think it's an improvement.

-Thank you.
-You look very nice.

-Aw, you do too.
-Oh, thank you.

-Oh, yes.
-I was feeling festive.

-So festive!
-You know,

you can never go wrong with
a good crisscrossed sleeve.

Or...

A pattern.

...or a pattern!

A bold, strong pattern.

It's a bold,
it's my power shirt.

Good!

It's not, I don't know.

Let's get some ice cream
from Half Baked Ice Cream.

-It's gonna be really good.
-Okay.

I'm really excited.

Oh, it even smells good.

Okay, so don't
judge me on my choices,

'cause I might go
with more than one.

This is your show.

Okay.

Oh, God, this is hard!

They have everything I like.

It's like a whole--There should
be, like, a whole section

just devoted to chocolate,

and then just vanilla can have,
like, one flavor over there

next to the,
next to the gross sherbet.

-That that colorful one?
-Yes!

-Okay.
-That's like eight flavors.

And it's just ice.

-Like, no, it doesn't belong.
-No!

It doesn't belong,
it needs to go.

I'm just gonna agree with

whatever you have
to say anyway, so.

Excellent, that's
the right way to go about it.

-I'm always right.
-Yes.

-Everything.
-You're right.

I could say the stupidest thing,

and you would say...

I agree.

-Or laugh.
-Mm-hm.

-It depends on what comes first.
-Yeah.

Depends on what
naturally happens.

I'm not sweaty.

-I'm fine.
-I'm, uh, it's fine.

(laughing)

-So, question.
-Yes?

Why didn't you call me?

-Oh, right, right.
-Mm-hm.

-Had to happen sometime.
-Yeah, well,

it was real,

you know?

You're--I, I can't
run away from you.

I mean, I know I
ran away from you...

-A little bit.
-...just a little bit,

but, like, I can't, like,
you know, you're my friend,

you know, we've got
the same friend group.

I couldn't, you know,
I had to face it at some point.

Mm.

-Okay, I'll take it.
-You know.

Okay.

Real stuff, huh?

-Real stuff.
-Mm.

With real feelings
and everything.

Right, right.

You're still the worst.

But you have your moments.

Rare.

Rare.

(laughing)

Okay, speaking of real,
I got one more.

Real answer,

why pie?

-Why, pie, huh?
-Mm-hm.

Well, way back when...

Right.

-...I, uh, I met a girl.
-Mm-hm.

-And we went out on a date.
-Mm-hm.

And it was just normal,
it was dinner,

and drinks,
and the whole, you know.

-Wow!
-And it went really well,

so there was a second date.

-Mm-hm.
-And on that second date,

I had to pick something
besides an $80 dinner.

It was a long time ago,
you know.

Right.

And a coffee's kind of
like a business date.

Mm-hm.

And, you know,

drinks are a little
presumptuous,

so I settled on pie.

It's kind of like a nice, easy,

-in the middle thing.
-Mm-hm.

And it was great,
it was a great date,

and we fell in love,

and did all the things,

and then she got sick,

and she died.

I'm just fuckin' with you.

-I'm sorry, she's--
-What the--?

You're--What's wrong with you?

I don't know what's
wrong with me.

-I just like--
-That's horrible!

I saw an opening--She's fine!

-She just, she just moved away.
-Okay, was any of that

-story real?
-All real, I swear.

She just, she just moved away.

She's alive.

Oh, my God!

Oh, you're terr--
I don't believe you.

But when she moved away,
we, like, you know,

it was hard,

you know, we broke up.

-And, uh--
-Mm-hm.

The first, like,
when I started dating again,

the first thing
that came to mind was,

was pie.

And then it just, you know,

-snowballed outta control.
-Right, just, just completely.

-Mm-hm.
-All the way down the hill.

Yeah.

I can't believe you.

You're terrible.

-Okay, you comin'?
-I'm comin'!

(laughing)

But ice cream, though, you know?

-Yeah, always a good choice.
-It's good.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Oh, my God, I got
some of your vanilla in there.

Oh, no!

(laughing)

¶

What do you guys think?

It's good, yeah.

I mean, I like it,
it's definitely the most

relatable thing
you've ever written.

Relatable's good.

It's good, but your character,

I think that there are
contexts and scenes that are

a little bit unrealistic.

-Here, let me just--
-But it--Okay.

-But it really happened.
-Why would a guy

who's tryin' to find love

go on Tinder, and then
go on these pie dates?

It just doesn't make sense.

Everyone goes on Tinder
for one reason.

But that's not necessarily true.

It is fuckin' true,
allow me to tell you why.

Everyone is thinkin'
in binary, bro.

Ones and zeroes,
yes or nos.

Dude, what are you
talkin' about?

Binary?

People go on Tinder dates
for all types of reasons.

It's about the experience.

You know, hopefully you
meet someone that you can,

you know, go on
another date with,

who you like to
actually talk to.

No one finds love on Tinder,
that's all I'm sayin'.

How do you not--

Not everyone can just
live their life without emotion.

Like, you need some
level of emotion to--

Look at me, I'm very happy.

Look at you.

So you guys would watch this?

I'd watch just about anything,
but yes, I'd watch this.

If I didn't know
you were making it,

no.

But my whole point is that

in order to feel
better about myself

out in the real world
and I was just recently single,

sure, yes, I would watch it.

So what's the title?

I don't know,
I had Pie Stories.

Pie Stories?

What about, like, Pieland?

Like Thailand, but Pieland.

-We'll work on that.
-How 'bout, uh,

how 'bout Pie Hard?

Or, or True Pies.

You know, True Lies,
True Pies?

-Like the movie?
-Or, or Pie-o-dome?

Ooh, Pie-o-dome!

Okay, okay, we're rolling.

I was thinking Me, Myself,
and Pie's not a bad idea.

-I like that.
-Thank you, right.

Pies Wide Shut, Pies Wide Shut!

(laughing)

-Oh, sexual.
-Um.

A Million Ways
to Pie in the West.

-Okay.
-But it's not a Western though.

Um.

-No, it's not a Western.
-He's right.

Um, Collateral Pies?

Uh, Pies--

Pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Pirates of the Caribbean?

Pie-rates, Pie.

That's just the name of a movie!

No, like the pie, you know,

-there's a pirate.
-There's no,

there's no joke there.

It's just the name of a movie.

I mean, fuck it.

-How 'bout American Pie?
-Ah.

That's the same thing!

-That's worse!
-Canadian Pie,

-whatever, dude.
-That's nothing.

-That's just a made up name.
-It'll be an appropriation

of American Pie.

-Uh, Romeo Must Pie.
-Oh, yes!

That's, that's like too good.

Right, you see,
you see what I did there?

-That's perfect!
-This is not Shakespeare,

this is modern art.

It's not Shakespeare,
none of this is Shakespeare.

It is so Shakespeare.

The story is the guy
going on fucking social media

-dating apps, like Tinder--
-At a pie place!

Romeo Must Pie!

-Romeo Must Pie.
-What's goin' on, man?

Everyone's--

-Pie-rates of the Caribbean.
-It's not a high-concept idea,

-this is low-concept idea,
the guy's just

-tryin' to get laid.
-Pie-rates, American Pie!

Oh, how come I didn't
think of that?

(laughing)

That's great.

That was good.

That was good.

(laughing)

¶

¶ Post-modernism
took you by surprise

while you were people-watching

at the cafeteria ¶

¶ You were in there

writing a book
about all your nightmares ¶

¶ And God you
looked so serious ¶

¶ But the little boy
was a she ¶

¶ We fell asleep
while watchin' our DVD ¶

¶

¶ Cold tears in the wintertime ¶

¶ That's what
you mean to me now ¶

¶

¶ Cold tears in wintertime ¶

¶ So much that
I almost drowned ¶

¶ It's all over now ¶

¶ It's all over now ¶

¶ My mind keeps
workin' overtime ¶

¶ To clean up the mess
just to ease all the stress ¶

¶ Of those cold tears
in the wintertime ¶

¶