All language subtitles for Five.Bedrooms.S02E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English

When I was 18, you were...

- How old were you?
- No, what I'm saying is...

Jesus! You were three, Ben.
You were three years old.

HARRY: I don't know if I'm built
for sudden sexual adventure.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I think my soul is already

a timid, slightly terrified
late-50s man.

- Stuart.
- (BABY FUSSES)

HARRY: That's Liz's ex-husband.

There is still something
between us, Liz.

And there probably always
will be.

But we missed our time.

BEN: Polished floorboards.

Skylight. Ains, you look like
you're stressing out.

And I know there's
a ton of work to be done.

No. Is it possible that I could
feel the baby move this early?

AINSLEY: As soon as we moved
into the new house,

my baby planning
went into overdrive.

I was certain I'd never be
one of those mothers

who obsessed over
every tiny detail.

But just one week in,

with half our moving boxes
still unpacked,

I found myself making
a short list of cornice options

for a nursery that was still
technically a garage.

I'm torn between
the embossed leaf

and the contemporary Deco -
what do you think?

I'm just focused on
the structural integrity

at this point, Ains.

But Iwas determined

by the time I got to meet you,

everything would be perfect.

- (HEARTBEAT)
- WOMAN: Hmm.

That's what we want to hear.
A good strong heartbeat.

- Oh, and a lovely big yawn.
- (LAUGHS)

Are we finding out
the sex today?

No, we're not, um, but...

..would you find out
and pop it in this envelope?

Of course.

We're having
a gender reveal party.

Oh, lovely.
Everybody's doing it.

Who's everybody?

It's not a big deal! Dad and
Cheryl are gonna be here anyway.

So it's just a bit of extra fun.

Is it, though?
Feels like overkill.

I'm not gonna go overboard
with balloons or confetti.

It's just a simple cake,
it's good, clean fun,
and I'm doing it.

Copy that.

I can't believe
we're as big as an avocado.

- How cute was the yawn?
- Oh, my God! How cute was that?

Oh, what a genius.
Already bored.

Do you think I'm a wanker
if I post this as my
pregnancy announcement?

Ains, you know
I'm gonna say yes,

but this is your moment
with your baby.

You can share it
however you like.

MANJU: Is it so inconceivable

that I might actually know
what I'm doing, huh?

I think you know
exactly what you're doing,

and that's actually what I find
most terrifying.

It's Martin's nephew,
he is a homosexual,

and he has a lovely
speaking voice.

I'm sorry, Mum, it's just...
it...it's not enough notice.

Ainsley's dad and his wife
are staying with us
this weekend, right?

- Yes.
- So we've promised
to be on hand.

- Hello, Manju!
- Hello, hello, hello!

- So, how was it?
- So wonderful!

- Aww!
- (LAUGHS)

The child has your nose.
Thank goodness.

Is it a boy or a girl?

We're actually saving that
for the gender reveal on Sunday,

which you're more than welcome
to come to, Manju.

Is that like a baby shower?

HARRY: Oh, it's, like,
not quite the same, but...

Thank you! Harry's heard of it.

- HARRY: Everyone's doing them.
- Who's everybody?

HARRY: Oh, like, three friends
from uni in the past six months.

I've heard of them.
I don't understand them.

There's not really
that much to it.

Just, isn't the whole notion of
gender stereotypes a bit...

..out of step, you know,
a bit antiquated or reductive?

I think the truth of whether
one is a boy or a girl

emerges only over time.

When Harpreet was born,
it seemed so simple -

a son who will bear many, many
grandchildren. (SIGHS)

But the truth over time
is much more complicated.

OK, Mum, there's actually
no gender confusion here.

I'm just a boy who likes boys.

Then perhaps I'm the one
who has the gender confusion.

AINSLEY: Yeah, it really wasn't
supposed to generate
this much debate.

- (GASPS)
- It's just a cha... What?

Is Lachlan's wife
on social media?

Why?

Uh..."Who's the baby daddy?

"Oh, that's right -
my fucking husband,

"whose child I am
rightfully carrying!"

Exclamation mark,
exclamation mark.

"Shame, shame, shame on you,
you home-wrecking whore."

Full stop.

Oh, and then
it gets really nasty.

They weren't together.
I mean, not once when Lach...

Ains, you don't have to
justify yourself.

Just erase that shit.
Block her.

Don't read it again!
Just delete it.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- (GROANS)

Who is it?

Cheryl! Hello. How are you?

CHERYL: Hello, darling.

I'm a little confused.

I've just seen some
very disturbing comments

on your social media.

I see.

Who on earth is HotYoga84 and
why is she calling you a whore?

Uh... (LAUGHS)

Oh, no, that...that was just
a little friendly prod.

It's nothing to worry about.
I've already forgotten it.

I took screenshots,
if that's helpful.

I don't think it is.

Obviously, I've said nothing
to your father, but...

..I need to know.

Is HotYoga84 married to Lachlan?

Yes, she is.

And is she also pregnant?

She is.

Uh, I would like to stress

that they were
very much separated

when Lachlan and I got together,
so there are no victims here.

- Is that Ains?
- Yes, it is.

And you'll be late.

- Give her my love.
- Dad sends his love.

Oh, please send it back.

He's gone.

Look, Cheryl...
there's...there's really no need

for Dad to know
about any of this,

and...and there's absolutely
no need for concern.

In any case, please call me
if something else comes up.

I'd prefer not to learn about
these things on social media.

- Have you seen my referral?
- Darling, Dad needs help.

Oh, go, go. Yep.
We'll see you tomorrow.

(CHERYL HANGS UP)

I'm gonna reach out to Melanie.

- Why?
- I...don't know.

But I just feel an overwhelming
urge to heal things.

You can't heal Melanie.
She's too far gone.
And she's not your problem.

Well...I don't happen to agree.

Get Dipshit to sort it out!

- LIZ: We good?
- Mmm.

Wow, Lizzie,
that shirt is giving me

laid-back, sexy sophistication.

- Oh. Thank you.
- What am I giving you?

Uh, mate, I'm getting first
class international flight vibe.

(SCOFFS) I don't even
want to go.

- Do not start.
- I'm not starting.

There's no out clause. We made
a commitment to each other.

- Two candidates each
every week.
- Who's on the menu tonight?

Roger, 33. Extensive traveller.

His body is a temple. Acrobat.
And he loves Indian food.

- Interesting.
- Sounds promising.
Lizzie? Who you got?

Uh, 41-year-old Marcus.
Never been married. No children.

Loves exercise, fine wine
and long conversations.

Oh, that could be
a surprise package.

Yeah. Could we just go through
one more time?

I'll emergency-backdoor-call you
at the 45-minute mark...

And I'll return serve
15 minutes later.

I...I don't want to be the one
to say this.

Well, then don't say it.

Are...are you two really
giving this your best shot?

Yeah, clearly. I mean, I can
barely walk in these shoes.

Yeah, but if you've already
sussed out your escape route.

I mean, you're not gonna
learn to swim

while you're hanging on
to the lifeboat, are you?

- Thanks for that.
- Who's the lifeboat?

So, anyway...I'm sorry, Ben.

I mean, you literally
walked out of your bedroom

and into a relationship,
or an alleged relationship.

What do you mean, 'alleged'?

Well, I'm...I'm yet to see
any romantic displays

between the two of you.

I'm more affectionate with you
than Heather.

What are you talking about?
We share a bedroom!

When it comes to romance,
I know what's best for me.

- What about Hazza?
- I know what's best
for him too.

- Come on. Chop chop.
- (SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

Oh. Hey. Is everything OK?

- We're fine.
- (SIGHS)

I thought I could pick up
your dad and Cheryl

if that might be helpful.

- They're driving the car.
- Oh, of course.

- It's why they love the ferry.
- The ferry.

What team does he
barrack for, again?

St Kilda.
But don't mention the footy.

I thought that footy was
a safe zone, Ains.

- Oh! And don't mention
climate change.
- OK.

Or council rates or the
International Olympic Committee.

Are you across this?

When did that...

It's been happening all day.
Several comments.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry, Ains.

Uh...she's been having
a rough trot of late.

- She doesn't mean most of it.
- Oh.

Lovely. Yep. Here's another one.
In all caps, of course.

"Wish Icould have posted
an ultrasound shot.

"Couldn't. I was sick with
the poison of betrayal."

And my stepmother called

to let me know
she'd seen the comments.

- No!
- Yes. Very much so.

- Oh, my God.
- Yes. She hasn't told Dad.

He still doesn't know about Mel
or her pregnancy.

But I need this harassment
to stop.

Yeah. Of course.
Uh, let me talk to her.

AINSLEY: No. Give me her number.
I'll do it myself.

Ains, for your own safety,
let me sort this out.

I promise you,
I'll make it disappear.

Melanie is gonna be the mother
of my child's sibling.

And even if you could,
I wouldn't want you to.

That is beautiful,
but I just worry

you might struggle
to hang on to that feeling

if you actually talk to Mel.

- Are you gonna give me
her number or not?
- No.

AINSLEY: I didn't grow up
with brothers or sisters.

Your grandma really wanted more
kids, but she got too sick,

and then your grandpa
wasn't really coping.

So it was
a pretty quiet childhood,

in a pretty empty house.

But I was determined

you were gonna grow up
surrounded by family.

Official family,
unofficial family.

Friends, friends of friends.

And you were going to have
your brother or sister.

(HEATHER SIGHS)

- Everyone's gone.
- Yep.

Can I just bring something up
real quick?

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

I thought the whole point
of us going official

was so that we would be free
to do...

..more of this stuff
whenever we like,

but we're...we're still
hiding away from the others.

We're not hiding.
I'm just not big on
public displays of affection.

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting a bit of
a 'don't touch me' vibe from ya,

in public, and in the house,
and everywhere except...in here.

I am no way sending you
a 'don't touch me' vibe.

I'm pretty keen
for you to touch me.

Hang on, hang on,
so, what, you're saying

that if I put my arm round you,
plant a kiss on you in company,

you're all good with it?

Go for it. See what happens.

(HEATHER LAUGHS)

So, you've just come out
of a relationship?

Oh, um...

..it was...it was a while ago.

I don't know if it even really
qualifies as a relationship.

(CHUCKLES) We went
on a few dates.

Vihaan and I were together
for nearly three years.

I still miss him.

Aw.

You could be below 15% body fat.

I-I don't know what that means.

It's good.
Well, it's better than good.

Anywhere between 21% and 35%
is healthy. So...

Thank you.

Full disclosure - I had a bit of
a health scare a while back.

- Oh.
- It's mostly cleared up now.

Bowel-related. (CLEARS THROAT)

But I did, in 2015, get to 10%.

Wow.

Have you ever thought about
documenting your physique?

It started in 2001
when I saw, uh...

..Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham
with Shah Rukh Khan.

Have you seen it?

I just fell instantly in love.

And not just with Shah Rukh.

It was the...the saris,
you know, the...the colour

and...and the music.

It all just felt like...
coming home.

Mmm.

You know, it goes off
on the gram. Check it.

Oh, wow. Oh, that's...
that's you.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's... Oh, thank you.

No, that's fine. I mean, I won't
get down to that weight again.

I'm over 40 now and...

..down to one bowel movement
a day.

Still, the one thing I regret
from that time -

I never got
professional shots taken.

Are they not professional shots?

Thank you. (LAUGHS) No.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh. I'm...I'm...I'm so sorry.

Oh, I...I do have to take this.

Uh, Dr Sethi.

LIZ: Sorry to bother you,
Dr Sethi,

but we've had someone come in
with extensive cranial trauma.

Uh, what sort of cranial trauma
are we talking about?

Uh, his head's detached.
It's completely detached
from his body.

- Uh, is he still lucid?
- Yes, very much so.

And, frankly, quite upbeat.
He's not yet, um, deduced
his lack of body.

But we think it would be good
if you were here,

um, when he comes
to that realisation.

- Of course. I'm on my way.
- OK.

For the love of God, please
get me out of here in five.

I've seen 47 pictures
of this man's lats.

- I don't even know
what a lat is.
- Got it.

Roger, I'm s...I'm so, so sorry.

Don't...don't even think
about apologising. It's fine.

You go. Just go. Seriously.
I'll take care of this.

Uh, maybe you can get it
next time.

Oh, that is so lovely.

But I just...I couldn't
possibly. I'm so sorry.

HARRY: I didn't even know
fitness photography was a thing.

LIZ: It's not a thing.

At least, not one that should be
brought up on a first date.

- Nothing you should show.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

HARRY: To be fair,
you'd actually look really good
in those clothes.

- BEN: Wow. Early night.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

Very early. Eh? Both of you.
Couple of duds?

- Oh, my God. Profoundly so.
- Yes!

Yeah. But were they
really duds?

Or just...duds compared to
a cosy night in with your BFF,

pack of Tim Tams?

I see where you're going
with this, but you're wrong.

They were both respectively
and empirically terrible

in their own right.

If you can't nod convincingly,
don't nod at all.

HARRY: Oh, look at that one.
We have to re-create that.

AINSLEY: Do you have a minute?

What the fuck are you
doing here?

I just want to talk to you.

- This is my place of business.
- I know. I'm sorry.

But Lachlan wouldn't
give me your number.

I can make an appointment
if that helps.

- We're fully booked.
- WOMAN: No, we're not.

There's nothing
to see here, Gail.

This very confused woman was
just asking me for directions,

and now I've
given her directions
and she's gonna take them.

Melanie, I understand
that y-you're angry with me,

and I don't even blame you,

but the fact is, our children
are gonna be siblings.

We have to find a way of
being in each other's lives.

- What did she just say?
- Shut up, Mum.

- I will not shut up!
- Are you happy now?!

- Who the hell are you?
- Shut up, Mum! She's nobody!

GAIL: Don't you dare
go out that door!

You posted it
all over social media.

I assumed your mum would know.

As if she'd be on socials!
She still faxes shit!

- Melanie...
- (DOOR OPENS)

Melanie, I am so sorry.
I didn't come here to upset you.

Then stop trying
to rub my face in it!

What?!

You won! OK? He chose you!

I haven't won anything!

I'm not with Lachlan
and I don't want to be.

You're fucking glowing!

I'm bloated,
I'm hungry, I'm nauseous.

It feels like I've sucked a big
bag of metal dicks all day long!

All I eat is fucking shit,
I'm pissing myself...

(SOBS) ..and I can't sleep!

Well, if it's any consolation,
I think I'm sleeping too much.

Go fuck yourself.

(STARTS CAR)

Oh, my God.

Melanie, are you OK?

(GASPS) Look what you've done!

- Are you in any pain at all?
- Yes!

Specifically
from the car just now or...

OK, let's just get you
to the hospital.

I'm fine.

(GAGS)

Oh, OK. We really should get you
seen by a medical professional.

I'm not going to the hospital.
But do you have any food?

At least come back to the house
with me

and let Harry or Heather
check you out.

Jesus Christ!

I just replaced
that bloody bumper

when you drove into
the hard rubbish collection!

Oh, no, I'm fine, Mum!
Thanks for asking!

Where's your car?

MELANIE: Ow! You're hurting
my underarms.

AINSLEY: I'm not touching your
underarms. It's referred pain.

Here we go. Watch your head.

Ow.

What's going on here?

Uh, Melanie had
a little car accident.

- What? When?
- About half an hour ago.

Sorry... OK...

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Sorry. OK. Sorry. Sorry.

You should have gone
to a hospital straightaway.

I don't do hospitals.

You're not feeling
any light-headedness?

No more than usual.

You usually feel light-headed?

- For the past five months, yes.
- OK. Anything else?

A lot of bloating, farting,
constipation, rhoids.

- What are 'rhoids'?
- Haemorrhoids.

- Piles. Nasal congestion.
- OK.

Leg cramps, gastric reflux,
snoring, nosebleeds,

vomiting
and constant generalised pain.

- Did I say vomiting?
- Yep.

I think it's the same
morning sickness thing
Kate Middleton had.

Please tell me
you have an obstetrician.

Yeah. I'm in there every
second day. He's useless.

Yeah, but he's across all this?

(PHONE RINGS)

- You want to get that?
- It's just Gail.

My mum.

She's stalking me
'cause I stacked her car.

She's probably just calling
to see if you're OK.

GAIL: There is a $2,000 excess
on the insurance!

Where the hell
am I gonna find that?!

What the fuck is wrong
with you?!

Oh, uh, Gail, is it?
Hi. I'm, uh, Heather.

As much as I can empathise with
you re the insurance excess,

I'm afraid the bigger picture
here might be

that your daughter
is in worlds of pain.

Saying this as a nurse
and a mother.

I've seen a lot of pregnancies
in my time.

- And she's copped a partic...
- (HICCUPS)

..ularly nasty one.

Well, my pregnancies were fine,
so I'm sure hers will be too.

HEATHER: Yeah, it doesn't
really work like that.

I know how it works,
thank you very much!

When I went into labour...

OK, Ma. Gotta go. Gonna vom.
(HANGS UP)

She seems nice.

I actually am gonna vom.

- OK. Can you get...
- (VOMITS)

Oh!

She's dehydrated to the point
of being disoriented.

She needs a shot of B6, lots of
rest and a shit-ton of fluids.

What kind of fluids?

If this is some kind of plan of
yours to smoke the peace pipe...

I just want to know...

Your old man and Fishlips are
gonna be here in four hours,

staying in that room -
you do realise that?

Yeah, I know that.
What kind of fluids?

Ginger ale might help
with the nausea.

Thank you! Now, please,
keep an eye on her for me.

Hang on! Ains!

and he claims to be
an art collector, a chef
and a philanthropist.

Sounds classy.

Yeah, but is it class
if he's promoting the fact?

At least your date wasn't
engineered by your mother.

Oh, God. Is this a new
rock bottom for me?

No different to being matched
by an algorithm.

An algorithm won't give you
follow-up calls

every half-hour for a month.

Why don't you two just curl up
on the couch right now

and call it a night?

- There's no shame in that.
- Zzt!

- How's Melanie?
- What happened to Melanie?

Uh, she had a light car
accident, so I brought her home.

- She's here now?
- Yeah, she's asleep in my room.

You know we have to wake her up?

She hasn't slept through
the night 82 nights in a row.

Waking her would be inhumane.

We need her out of the house.
Your father is about to land.

What if I found an Airbnb
for Dad and Cheryl?

- Just for the night.
- You're not serious?

Maybe all Melanie needs is
to feel at home for a bit.

She's not getting any support
from anyone.

Does Colin have anyone
in the granny flat right now?

Can we just break down
what's really happening here?

Melanie has terrorised you,
she's trolled you,

she's publicly eviscerated you,

and not only are you
sacrificing your own bed,

you are now proposing

to make your father
endure Colin's granny flat.

I think your instincts
are so lovely, Ainsley.

Just...life isn't...
a Disney movie.

AINSLEY: That's exactly
what Lachlan said. OK.

Here it is. It's available. And
it's listed for $150 a night.

Do not pay $150!

That's ridiculous.

Look, if...
if you insist on doing this,

go to Colin's,
look him in the eye

and knock him down to $70
at the absolute most.

Thank you, Heather.

Don't thank me.
I didn't do anything.

Yeah, you did.

LIZ: Um, we should...
we should get going.

Don't want to be...running late.

Are you gonna get an Uber or...?

HARRY: I might drive.

AINSLEY: More than happy
to give anybody a lift.

(DOOR CLOSES)

And there we have it.

- Harpreet! Oh!
- Hi, Mum.

As per your wishes, we'll
pretend this is just a drop-in.

Those were not my wishes.
My wishes were to not
be set up at all.

And I was very clear about that.

Come, come.
You look so handsome.

Look who's just dropped in.

- Oh! What a surprise!
- Hi, Marty, Marty.

Xavier, this is my son,
Harpreet.

- Harry, please. Call me Harry.
- Harry.

Xavier's my nephew.

Your mother was just giving me
a photographic tour
of your childhood.

And look. Here you are. Wow.

- What are the odds, eh?
- (MARTY AND MANJU LAUGH)

- Terrific stuff.
- MANJU: Absolute magic.

And, Harpreet,
you must stay for dinner, huh?

I...yeah. Yeah, sure.

Can I tempt you to a glass

of this extraordinary red
brought by Xavier?

He's such a connoisseur!

Oh, I really just liked
the label.

(MARTY AND MANJU LAUGH)

So modest, huh?

Erm...Martin, can I trouble you
to help me in the kitchen?

Absolutely.

Hi. And sorry about...

- No. No.
- ..all that.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Are we being...set up?

Were you not pre-briefed
at all?

No, I...I just thought

I was having dinner
with Marty's new flame.

- Were you?
- Yes.

I've been hearing about you
most days for the past month.

Oh.

Well, now that you mention it,
there were a few signs.

Uh, we did seem to linger in
your bedroom on the house tour,

where I got
a very detailed description

of your high school
lacrosse career.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

No, no, don't apologise,
honestly.

I was already a bit obsessed
with your mother.

But this is...
I mean, this is next-level.

If you want to bail at any time,
it's fine. Fully.

Absolutely not. I'm up for it.

I mean, if you are as well.

I, uh...yeah. I...I am, yeah.

Great.

LIZ: (LAUGHS) No.

I...I have been to Italy,
but just only the...

..the touristy places,
you know.

- I've never been to Bologna.
- (LAUGHS)

Well, Bologna is known as
la dotta, la rossa e la grassa.

I...I heard a 'red' in there.

La dottameans 'the educated'.

- Because of the university.
- Oh.

- La rossameans...
- 'The red'.

'The red', yes, because of
the terracotta buildings.

Oh!

I've always fantasised about,
you know, throwing it all in

and just living in a vineyard
or a hill town and just...

Well...I think Bologna would be
a good match for you.

Oh! Sorry. That's my...
Thought I turned this off.

- Sorry.
- Right.

Hey. (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(PHONE RINGS)

Liz, um...

..you're a smart
and charming woman

and you deserve the courtesy
of the truth.

I'm just not feeling
any chemistry.

I'm really sorry.

You're paying.

That's...more than fair.

- Hello!
- (CHERYL LAUGHS)

- Oh!
- Hello. Welcome!

Look at you! (LAUGHS)

- Mwah! Mwah!
- (LAUGHS)

- How was the ferry?
- A bit choppy.

Bathroom was a bit messy
this time.

- Lucky Cheryl had
the Wet Ones handy.
- I did.

Oh, Dad! Mwah!
I'm so happy you're here.

What happened to seeing
the new place?

Well, actually, you'll...
you'll see it tomorrow.

We're just not quite
settled in yet.

And Ben's still working
on the nursery,

so I thought you might like
your own space.

Yeah! Come in!

COLIN: So, you'll find some, uh,
reasonably priced items
in the mini fridge.

And I do offer
a turndown service.

Oh, we're fine.

Breakfast is available
from, uh, 7am.

Uh...continental, of course,

but if you did want to upgrade
to the full à la carte,

then we can absolutely
facilitate you

for a small extra charge.

- Oh, thank you, Colin.
- All part of the service.

(AINSLEY CHUCKLES)

Ahh! Shall we have a cuppa?

Oh, yes.

So, uh, when do we
get to meet Lachlan?

Uh, he'll be there tomorrow.
He's dying to meet you.
Both of you.

I've thought a lot about
what I want to say to Lachlan,

and I wouldn't mind saying it
without an audience.

Oh, Dad, there's really...
there's no need for you
to say anything to him.

It's just a chance for us all
to get to know each other

in a relaxed and enjoyable way.

Sorry, just re
the à la carte menu.

No pressure,
but, uh, I do have to ask

for seven to eight hours' notice

if you do require
the gluten-free option.

- Thanks, Col.
- Yeah.

You're more than welcome to
join us, of course, tomorrow.

Thanks, but I'd, uh, prefer not.

(SIGHS) My wife's still on
with Ainsley's housemate, so...

- Heather?!
- Yeah.

Yeah, that was
my initial response too.

And, uh, I'm sure
you could understand, it's...

..it's left me feeling
a bit sticky.

Mmm. It happened...
some time ago.

It's still very fresh for me.

But, truth be told, you know,
we've all...

..ventured down different
romantic paths,
different journeys.

- Yeah.
- Different destinations.

I've hit a bit of a dead end.

You know, apparently,
Heather's flying free.

- (AINSLEY LAUGHS)
- But we're all grown-ups.

That's right.

But there's still
a bit of chafing.

Yeah.

Dad, I know
that this might all seem

like it's a bit of a tangle.

- And...you know what? It is.
- It is.

But...I'm in
a really good place

and...I can't wait
for you to see it.

So...shall we pop out
and get an early dinner?

We've been up since 5:30.
(LAUGHS)

Oh, no, of course.
Yeah, no. Get some rest.

COLIN: Well, yeah, I'll...
I'll let you get on with it.

See you tomorrow.

Now, are we officially
in the main course yet?

No, we're still very much
in finger food.

OK. I'm stopping.

I would probably, uh, still
feign consumption. Trust me.

(CHUCKLES) Right.

So, how did those two pitch me?

Uh, as a glamorous
nightclub owner.

Very stylish and sophisticated,
of course.

OK. Well, I do manage
a pretty poky little bar.

And this is my A-game in
the wardrobe department, so...

They really oversold me,
didn't they?

No, no. In this case,
Mum seems to have been...

..unusually restrained.

Be careful with the spice
in this one.

Oh, my God!

- I think we've reached peak.
- Oh!

Your mother promised me
several costume changes,

and I think
this is my favourite.

We both get along so well

because both of us have
a great sense of style.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey.

(SIGHS)

Between you and me, we...

..we all thought Marty was
a bit boring, to be honest,

and, uh, possibly
low-key racist,

but Manju has brought him
to life.

Honestly, our family are just
obsessed with her.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Oh.

Oh, sorry, Xavier.
I just need, like, two minutes.

No. Go for it.
I'm not going anywhere.

Except to maybe eat. (CHUCKLES)

LIZ: Thanks for
the bailout call.

- Not.
- HARRY: Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's fine, I didn't need it.
Because hebailed out on me.

How's yours going?

Oh, he might be the most
delightful person I've ever met.

- Oh, my God!
- I know. It's excruciating.

And I'll never admit it, but...

..I think Mum has delivered me
the perfect man.

And he could be alone with her
right now, so I'm hanging up.

Are you telling me you don't
need me to call you back?

(HARRY HANGS UP)

Harry?

that my judgement has proven
to be very superior.

- Mum! He's right there!
- Yeah.

He'll be emboldened knowing
that he has won my approval.

- OK. Goodnight, Mum.
- Here's food.

- Thank you, Manju.
- 'Night, Marty.

- Thank you for dinner.
- MARTY: See ya, Harry.

- Hey, did you drive?
- Nah. Uber.

Oh, I...I could give you a lift
if you like.

Yeah, that'd be great.

She's gonna call you
for a debrief, isn't she?
Like, very soon?

Oh, yeah. She'll, uh...she'll
try and wait till the morning.

But she'll probably buckle
in about 10, 15 max.

Harry, um, I'll just be
completely honest with you.

As much as I love the idea
of being able to say

I was successfully matchmade
by a pair of
60-something-year-olds...

Oh, it's...it's cool. I get it.

No, I...I think
I'd be interested regardless.

Me too.

Yeah? It's not just
the wine talking?

(PULLS DOORHANDLE)

- Car's locked. (LAUGHS)
- Oh! Oh, just...

- Makes it quite hard to get in.
- Yeah. Wow.

(FLOOR CREAKS)

Are you alright?

(SIGHS)

Am I being held hostage?

What?

No.

You just fell asleep
and we didn't wake you up.

Why would you not wake me up?

'Cause you were tired.

Oh.

How do you feel?

Hungry.

(CHUCKLES) Gail's losing
her tiny mind.

She's called, like, 500 times.

I can drive you home
if you want.

Nah, she can wait.

- Mustard?
- Uh, yeah.

Suppose yourmum's a saint.

Wouldn't go that far.

She all over you
about the baby?

She probably would be
if she wasn't dead.

Oh.

Shit.

I was 11, so...
it happened a while ago.

I mean, obviously,
it's really hard

for me to feel sorry for you,
given everything.

MELANIE: Do you ever feel like
you've made a massive mistake?

AINSLEY: Oh, totally.

And not just about the baby.

Pretty much every decision
I've ever made.

Did you ever think about
getting rid of it?

I thought about it.

But I knew I wouldn't
go through with it.

I've wanted to be a mum
since primary school.

I never even thought
about kids, but...

..when I found out
I was duffed,

all I could think about was...

..Lachlan's face
when I told him. (SIGHS)

I'm terrified.

Me too.

- Sorry...
- No, it's fine.

..about all the shit I said
on your socials.

Especially the 'thunder thighs'
bit. That was below the belt.

I didn't see that one.

- Where's Melanie?
- Still in the bath.

You realise
they'll be here soon?

Yeah, I'm very much
aware of that.

But Mel and I really started
to connect last night, and...

..I don't know,
I just didn't want to go
and drop a bomb on her.

- What bomb?
- Whoa! That was quick.

- What bomb?!
- No bomb.

Just, we're having a little
gathering/celebration today

for the baby.

Which baby?

My baby.

You're...having a baby shower?

Uh, no, it's actually
a gender reveal party.

I was planning
a gender reveal party.

But then I found out
you were pregnant,

so I couldn't
go through with it.

I had no idea.

Wait, is...

..Lachlan coming?

Also, uh...

..my father and his wife
are coming,

and it's a little complicated,

because I haven't exactly told
them about you yet or your baby.

I mean, I'm going to, of course.

But he's...he's very
old-fashioned and I'm just
waiting for the right...

So you want me to piss off?

Yeah, that'd be nice.
Thank you.

OK. I'll go get dressed.

You can pretend
I was never here.

AINSLEY: You know what?

You don't have to.

I mean, they're gonna
find out eventually.

Might as well be now.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hello? Ooh-ooh!

- Am I late?
- You're early.

Oh, thank God!

I couldn't sleep.

I nearly texted you. I-I can't
remember who he barracks for.

- Just don't bring it up.
- You gotta give me
something, Ains.

Any easy wins. I'm really
swinging in the dark here...

I invited Melanie to join us.

- What about your dad?
- I'm just gonna tell him.

You can't just...

Ains, this is
a very delicate introduction

to my child's grandfather.

It should be sacred.

I can't be the only one
that's not comfortable
with this situation.

I'm comfortable.

- Me too.
- This fabric feels amazing.

This is festive.
Looks lovely. Hello!

- Oh! (LAUGHS)
- (DES LAUGHS)

Welcome. Hi, Dad.

- Mwah! Hi, Cheryl.
- Hello, sweetheart. Mwah!

- Hi.
- Mr Elling, sir.

So great to finally meet you.
Lachlan. Can I call you Des?

- Not yet.
- Terrific. I want to earn it.

- And you must be
the lovely Cheryl.
- Oh, yes.

Ainsley tells me your scarf work
is second to none.
And I can see why.

Alright.
Well, we'll head inside.

DES: (CLEARS THROAT) Lachlan.

Now, I know that you and Ainsley
aren't together

in a traditional sense,

but you're gonna be around,
in a way.

Ainsley tells me
you're not going anywhere,

which is more than some blokes
would do, so...

- That was good.
- What beautiful words.

I can't tell you how much
they mean to me.

Welcome to the family.

Oh, let me take that, Dad.
Thank you.

(DES SIGHS)

- How was the flight?
- We caught the ferry.

- The ferry.
- Choppy.

- Mmm.
- Ooh.

CHERYL: It opens up, doesn't it?

- Yes.
- Oh, it's very bright.

- Lovely.
- Um...

Of course, you already know
Heather.

- Oh, Heather! Hello!
- Hey, Cheryl. Hi.

- Nice to see you.
- You too.

- And this is Marty and Manju.
- Oh!

- Please, don't stand up.
- (LAUGHS)

Manju is...is Harry's mother.
He's not here at the moment.

And this is Liz and Ben.

My dad, Des,
and his wife, Cheryl.

- DES: Ben.
- BEN: Good to meet you, Des.

CHERYL: Oh! (LAUGHS) Cheers.

Cheers.

Uh, and...and you are?

Melanie.

- Ah.
- (GASPS)

How do you fit into
the equation?

Oh, just in so many ways,
really.

Melanie is actually
Lachlan's wife.

They're separated now.

But you may have noticed
that Melanie is also pregnant.

With Lachlan's child.

(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

- So sorry, everyone. I slept...
- (MURMURING)

You're wearing
the same clothes again.

AINSLEY: Dad, this is Harry.

Ainsley, can we speak privately?

Just before you do,

if I could offer
a little bit of context or...

Uh...just a...

So, uh, Cheryl,
how was the accommodation?

Uh...oh!
It...it was lovely, thank you.

Colin was the perfect host.

And will your gentleman friend
be joining us?

- He's right there.
- What? Huh?

- It's me.
- Oh!

AINSLEY: I'm sorry
that I didn't tell you earlier.

I just...I wanted to wait until
I felt more secure in myself

and the whole situation.

And I do now.

How you ever gonna feel secure
with a man like that?

Well, he...he's made
a lot of mistakes, but...

How you even gonna begin
to explain it to the baby?

I don't know.

I'll figure it out.

It's only a big deal
if people make it a big deal.

And they will, Ains.

I know you always try and find
the silver lining, but...

..people can be nasty.

- Other kids at school.
Other parents.
- I know that.

I just don't think your
optimism's gonna be enough
to get you through this one.

(DES SIGHS)

Why don't we go
for a walk and...

Can I just say, uh, I know
that this is a lot to process,

but there are some
really beautiful aspects
to this arrangement.

What kind of a man...?!

Did you know your wife was
pregnant when you and Ainsley...

No! No, no, absolutely not.
I can assure you of that.

I'm sorry, Lachlan,

but the less my grandchild knows
about you, the better.

AINSLEY: Dad, that is not...
You just...

Ainsley is a beautiful,
trusting soul.

But she got those qualities
from her mother.

- Not from me.
- I know that.

- It's a quality I intend
to bring into my fathering...
- Do not push me!

Would you both stop talking
about me like I'm not here?!

OK? I can handle this.
I'm strong enough.

You made me strong enough.

There are no victims here.

Now, you are gonna be
an amazing grandfather.

You are gonna be a...father.

And that starts right now.

So, put your party hats on,

because we are gonna have
a gender reveal, hm?

And you are both gonna smile,

because this baby is gonna
look back on these photos

and know that he or she...

- Or they.
- Or they. Thank you, Manju.

..are loved.

Now, everyone, get outside!

- (DOOR CREAKS)
- CHERYL: Just keep breathing.

MANJU: Harpreet?
I will not ask any questions.

But I hope you understand now
that I do know about men.

I just... Yes. Thank you, Mum.

One thing I know is,

a man will not buy the cow if
they can get the milk for free.

- Oh, my God.
- That is it.

- (GLASS RINGS)
- Hey, uh, everyone.

If I could just
say something quickly.

This is all a bit of fun.
(LAUGHS)

But, of course, gender means
absolutely nothing, and, uh,

this child will be the light
of our lives no matter what.

- That's it.
- MANJU: Aww!

HEATHER: OK. Alright, let's...
let's cut the cake.

ALL: One, two, three...

Here we go!

- Ah!
- It's a girl! It's a girl!

I'm having a girl too. So...

- Aww!
- Oh, my...

Two girls. It's almost poetic
how fucked you are.

OK, everybody, bunch in.
Family shot.

Des, come into the front.

Yep, everybody bunch in,
nice and close.

Lachlan, just throw your arm
around Des there.

Yep. Smi... Lachlan,
you're not smiling properly.

Smile properly. Better.
OK, ready?

Yay!

Beautiful.

Yeah. It's lovely.

I actually can't...
believe I'm saying this,

but...Mum nailed it.

(HARRY CHUCKLES)

I've never felt more comfortable
with another person.

I mean on...on a date.

He was just...so...

..funny and...

..handsome and, uh, humble.

And he loved Mum. And have I
mentioned he was handsome?

Multiple times, yeah.

I just...I didn't want to leave.

Sorry. I know you probably
don't want to hear this.

Well, of course
I want to hear it.

Oh.

To not wanting to leave.

(GLASSES CLINK)

You're going to love him.

- The oldies gone?
- Yeah, they have.

- The wife's a pain in the arse.
- (CHUCKLES) Always has been.

What happened to her lips?

We don't talk about it.

It was pretty great seeing you
take on your dad like that.

Thanks, Mel.

Were you inspired
seeing me with Gail?

I...think I really was. Yeah.

Just so you know, it's not like
I've forgiven you or anything.

Yeah, that's OK.

As long as our girls
can be close.

How close?

Sisters.

Having sleepovers. (SIGHS)

Trips to Luna Park.

Joint birthday parties.

I don't do
joint birthday parties.

- Split focus is very damaging.
- OK.

But...I do quite like
Luna Park.

I had my 30th birthday party
there.

I was so hot back then. See?

- Oh. Wow.
- I know.

- Look at your legs.
- Thanks.

- Wow.
- I look good in green, don't I?

Yes. Yes. Yep.

Have you...

..have you always had
those boobs?

Next time onFive Bedrooms...

- Shit!
- Benny! Your shoulder?

Unfortunately, looks like you're
gonna have to have surgery.

Probably a full reconstruction.

- Do you have private
medical insurance?
- Yep.

Could we just say it happened
on the Fordham Crescent job?

Ben, this is Sharon.
She's from the insurance people.

Mr Chigwell, your partner tells
me the accident occurred here?

LIZ: I've made
quite a few calls,

and, Ben, you have definitely
committed a criminal act.

- Worst-case scenario?
- Up to two years jail.

(GROANS)