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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
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♪ Songs that made the hit parade
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00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,210
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
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♪ Those were the days
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00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:17,116
♪ And you knew
where you were then
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00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,352
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
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♪ Mister, we could use a man
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♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
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♪ Didn't need no welfare state
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♪ Everybody pulled his weight
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♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
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♪ Those were the days ♪
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Honey, what were
you doin' upstairs?
14
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What else? Going
to the bathroom.
15
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Two more trips to the john today
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00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:07,839
and I'll be in the
Guinness Book of Records.
17
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Still feeling kind of down, huh?
18
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Down? Don't be ridiculous.
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00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,942
♪ I feel pretty, oh, so pretty
20
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♪ I feel pretty
and witty and fat! ♪
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Boy, will I be glad
when this is over.
22
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Me, too.
23
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,423
You, too?
24
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,191
What do you know about this?
25
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:36,268
I was just tryin'
to be sympathetic.
26
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:38,130
If you wanna be sympathetic,
27
00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:41,533
next time I have to go, you
make the trip up the stairs.
28
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,635
That's funny.
29
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:46,539
What's funny?
30
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Nothin'.
31
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I was...
32
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:53,411
It sounded funny when
you first said it, but...
33
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,014
When you think
about it, I mean...
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00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:57,994
Well, you never laugh
when I go to the bathroom,
35
00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,978
so why should I
laugh when you go?
36
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:07,726
Goin' to the bathroom
is very serious business.
37
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,596
It's not as serious as sittin'
in an electric chair, but...
38
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:12,978
Do you want some coffee?
39
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,666
No!
40
00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,713
You know coffee
makes me nervous.
41
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:19,097
All right, all right.
No, no... no coffee.
42
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,808
I think I'll just have
43
00:02:22,877 --> 00:02:25,577
some milk and some Oreo cookies.
44
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,913
That is, unless
you ate them all up.
45
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:33,418
I didn't eat your Oreo cookies.
46
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,420
Gloria, you know
I'm a Ding Dong man.
47
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:42,794
All I know is that something very
strange is going on in this house
48
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:46,398
because last night there were
six Oreo cookies in the refrigerator.
49
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I counted them.
50
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:52,004
But this morning, they seemed
to have mysteriously disappeared.
51
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,506
What are you going
on like this for?
52
00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:57,208
I mean, what... Who
cares? What's the big deal?
53
00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,011
Honey, look.
54
00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:01,279
I know you're apprehensive,
55
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,159
but it's only natural, I mean,
56
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,550
you're a week
overdue... Nine days!
57
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,686
Nine days, nine days.
58
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:11,222
But it's perfectly natural for
a woman to be apprehensive
59
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:13,358
with her first child.
60
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,061
I want you to stop
being so reasonable.
61
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,932
I don't know what
you expect from me.
62
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,435
I don't know what I
expect from you either.
63
00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:25,203
Oh, honey, honey, honey.
64
00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:27,217
It's all right, it's
all right. Hey!
65
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:31,510
You know, it's not that
unusual to be one week overdue.
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00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:32,644
Nine days!
67
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,246
Nine days, nine days. Nine days.
68
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:38,784
Uh, I can understand why
you'd be a little bit scared, but...
69
00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:41,419
Listen, honey.
70
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:44,156
I'm gonna be right there
with you in the delivery room,
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00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,958
helping you to push,
72
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:50,328
wiping away the
ole perspiration,
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00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,397
maybe even making
you smile a little bit.
74
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:53,953
Huh?
75
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,372
How long have you been
parting your teeth in the middle?
76
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,081
Hello. Can I come in?
77
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,349
Hi, Ma. Hi, Mike.
78
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:12,650
Hi, Gloria.
79
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,121
Hello.
80
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,201
What's the matter?
She's a little bit down...
81
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:21,092
Forget it, Michael! I
didn't say anything.
82
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,761
You don't understand.
83
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,796
You just stick to
your Ding Dongs
84
00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:26,998
and keep your grubby
fingers off of my Oreos.
85
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,503
Ma, she's bein' impossible.
86
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:33,149
I can't even talk
to her anymore.
87
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,517
I say, "Gloria, it's
gonna be a nice day."
88
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:36,007
She says it's gonna rain.
89
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,920
I say it's gonna rain, she
says it's gonna be a nice day.
90
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,178
What do you do when
she gets like that?
91
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,582
Maybe you shouldn't
talk about the weather.
92
00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:45,950
I'll see if I can cheer her up.
93
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,620
Well, good luck. Gloria!
94
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,923
Oh, here you are.
95
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:55,026
Yeah, here I am. Oh!
96
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:59,164
You should have seen your
father goin' off on his fishin' trip.
97
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,899
All bundled up.
98
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:05,670
He looked so cute in
his lucky fishing cap.
99
00:05:05,738 --> 00:05:07,572
Which one is his
lucky fishing cap?
100
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:12,044
The one with the big button on
it that says "Lucky Fishin' Cap."
101
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:14,212
Oh, yeah. He wore
that one last time.
102
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,382
He didn't catch anything.
So what's so lucky about it?
103
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:20,152
Well, it was lucky for the fish.
104
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:26,958
Oh, Gloria.
105
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:30,362
I think I know
what's bothering you.
106
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:34,199
You ain't worried
about having the baby.
107
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,835
I'm not? No.
108
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:41,873
You're just startin' to
realize that from now on
109
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:47,311
a whole little human person
is gonna depend on you.
110
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:51,449
You're the one that's
gonna be mostly responsible
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00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:56,020
for what kind of a human
bein' that baby turns out to be.
112
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:01,025
My God, no wonder I'm scared.
113
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,329
Oh, that's why they'd say
114
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:08,467
that a good mother is the
hardest job in the world.
115
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:12,103
Yeah, and it's the only job that
men don't try to take away from us.
116
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,106
I'll bet they would
if it paid enough.
117
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,977
Really? Oh. Yeah.
118
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,118
Oh, Gloria.
119
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:30,388
Your shower tomorrow
is gonna cheer you up.
120
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:34,726
Oh, I'm dying to meet your
girlfriends from your childbirth class.
121
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,461
I don't know, Ma.
122
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:39,263
It's not very exciting to sit around
with a bunch of pregnant women
123
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:40,832
who talk about
their stretch marks.
124
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,869
Hey, Gloria, what do you
say we do our exercises, huh?
125
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,271
Forget it.
126
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:48,540
Honey, we haven't done
them in a couple of days.
127
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:51,276
And what's the point of
practicing prepared childbirth
128
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:53,456
if we don't... We're not
gonna practice the exercises?
129
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,013
Dr. Shapiro says we
should do it every day.
130
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,522
Well, then, do it
with Dr. Shapiro.
131
00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:01,085
Gloria, come on.
132
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,288
Oh, come on.
133
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:08,126
You've been taking
those classes six weeks.
134
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,173
Show me what you learned.
135
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:11,262
Okay.
136
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:12,508
Honey, why don't
you lie down over here.
137
00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:14,332
Got a pillow for
your head right there.
138
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,136
Do they make you have
the baby on the floor?
139
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,872
No, Ma, this is just
for the exercises. Oh.
140
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,373
There you go, honey.
141
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,787
Now it's my job to
help Gloria relax. Oh.
142
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:28,190
That's right, 'cause like he keeps
telling me, "We're in this together."
143
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:29,214
Ha!
144
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,585
All right. Contract
your right arm.
145
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,821
See that, Ma?
146
00:07:36,889 --> 00:07:39,957
Her right arm is tense, but
the rest of her body is relaxed.
147
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:41,859
See?
148
00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,808
She's learned to
respond to my commands.
149
00:07:43,863 --> 00:07:45,308
And when she goes into labor,
150
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,799
her mind won't be on the
pain, it'll be on the exercises.
151
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,836
Oh, my.
152
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,339
I'm glad I had
Gloria when I did,
153
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:58,309
'cause I don't think I'd know
enough to have a baby today.
154
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:06,317
Another thing that I have to know
is how to control Gloria's breathing.
155
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,720
And I also have to know what
to do in case of hyperventilation.
156
00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:13,758
Is that something
like crossventilation?
157
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:18,830
Uh, no, Ma. Hyperventilation is
caused by uncontrollable breathing.
158
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,966
Like this...
159
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,046
You see that? That
comes from tension.
160
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,315
Hey, Coach, your little
lecture just put my arm to sleep.
161
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,579
Wake it up, would you?
162
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,274
That's another thing.
163
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,654
In prepared childbirth they call
the husband the coach. That's me.
164
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,878
Oh. Michael!
165
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,547
Sorry, honey. Sorry.
166
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:36,948
Release to touch.
167
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,194
There you go. Oh.
168
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,751
Okay, contract your left leg.
169
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:44,222
You see, Ma, when a
woman goes into labor,
170
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:46,725
very often there can
be hyperventilation,
171
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:49,827
and that comes from exhaling
too much carbon dioxide.
172
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,808
So what I do is I bring a paper
bag with me into the delivery room.
173
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:55,300
That way, she can
breathe into the bag
174
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,603
and she inhales the carbon
dioxide that she was exhaling before.
175
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:00,579
Do you understand?
176
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,711
No.
177
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:11,282
When I had Gloria I breathed
whatever was in the room.
178
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:17,722
You mean you have to take a
paper bag to the hospital with you?
179
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:20,191
Yeah, well, the paper bag
is inside the goodie bag.
180
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,394
The goodie bag, what's that?
181
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,762
I'll show you.
182
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:27,499
It's what the husband
brings along to the hospital.
183
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,934
It's got everything
in it. Everything.
184
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,702
Here we got the...
185
00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:34,772
The paper bag here, in
case of hyperventilation. Oh.
186
00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:38,376
And we got a stopwatch in here.
That's to time the labor pains.
187
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,679
And we got a rolling pin here.
188
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,058
See, I roll this
on Gloria's back
189
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,949
in case she's got
back labor, like this.
190
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,986
Oh, that feels good. See?
191
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:49,553
Ooh!
192
00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:54,893
And we got some snacks
in here for the husband.
193
00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:57,461
We got some peanuts.
We got some pretzels.
194
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,364
We got some potato chips.
195
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,634
You see, I'm gonna
have a six-pound baby
196
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,503
and he's gonna have
an eight-pound lunch.
197
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:08,572
Michael, my leg! Oh,
I'm sorry, honey. Sorry.
198
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,242
Release to touch.
There you go. Ah.
199
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:14,812
Okay, contract your left
arm and your right leg.
200
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:17,982
Ah, no, no, no. Honey, I said,
"Your left arm and your right leg."
201
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:20,952
You said my right
arm and my left leg!
202
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:24,623
All right, all right, all right.
Let's just say I was wrong.
203
00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:26,736
What do you mean, "Let's
just say you were wrong?"
204
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:27,880
You were wrong!
205
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:31,629
All right, all right,
Little Mother.
206
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:41,539
Don't you patronize me,
Michael Casimir Stivic.
207
00:10:41,607 --> 00:10:44,842
Gloria, Gloria, just calm down.
You're a little bit emotional.
208
00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:48,246
Just relax. Contract your
left arm and your right leg.
209
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,381
No.
210
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:53,751
Gloria, I'm ordering you to contract
your left arm and your right leg.
211
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,331
Well, what if I don't?
What's gonna happen?
212
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,315
Are you gonna call off the baby?
213
00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,724
Now hear this!
214
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:02,226
This is your coach speaking.
215
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:05,455
Forget the fact that you are having
personal problems with your husband.
216
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,376
I am speaking to you
strictly as your coach
217
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,045
and I'm telling you to contract
your left arm and your right leg!
218
00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:11,914
Now hear this. This
is your wife speaking
219
00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:13,950
and she would
like to tell her coach
220
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,485
to contract his own left arm
and right leg and then shove 'em!
221
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:16,607
Whoa!
222
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:22,024
Now hear this. This is
Edith Bunker speakin'.
223
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:25,717
Now, Mike, you stifle yourself.
And you contract yourself!
224
00:11:34,961 --> 00:11:37,161
Now we'll change the subject.
225
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:41,565
Mike, do you have enough
film for the shower tomorrow?
226
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:44,301
The shower's not tomorrow,
Ma. The shower's on Sunday.
227
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,610
Tomorrow's Saturday.
228
00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:47,249
I'm going to the
basketball game tomorrow.
229
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,074
Oh, no. No, the
shower is tomorrow.
230
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,944
That's right, I told
you that last night.
231
00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:54,946
No, you didn't.
232
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,600
Well, is going to a
basketball game more
233
00:11:56,624 --> 00:11:58,393
important than taking
pictures at my shower?
234
00:11:58,417 --> 00:12:02,887
No, no. Who wants to go
to a dull old basketball game
235
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:06,323
when I can have the time
of my life at a fun-filled fiesta
236
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,861
takin' pictures of a
pack of peppy preggos?
237
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:13,564
You don't wanna be there?
238
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:16,000
You don't want to be there?
239
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:24,075
Gloria, now you're both
overtired and overwhelmed.
240
00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:25,843
And overdue!
241
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,790
Gloria, where are
you goin'? To bed!
242
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,780
Great, great, go to
bed! I'm goin' out.
243
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:32,383
Well, you go out there!
That's right, I'm goin' out.
244
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:35,320
That's right. I may not come back
until my kid graduates high school!
245
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:38,022
That's too soon!
Make it college then!
246
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,134
Go longer!
247
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:51,002
Bananas pureed with rum.
248
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,638
Bananas with wheat germ.
249
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,509
Blueberries with blackberries.
250
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,136
Michael.
251
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,017
Michael, wake up! What?
252
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:30,441
What's the matter? Is it time
yet? Where's the goodie bag?
253
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,915
You know I can't
sleep when you snore.
254
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,385
That's funny.
255
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:41,886
It didn't keep me awake.
256
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,688
Sorry, I'll try to stop.
257
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,279
Good night. Good night.
258
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,044
Michael. What? What's the
matter? What's the matter?
259
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,701
You're snoring again.
260
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,040
It's funny, must have
happened when I was sleeping.
261
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,842
I'm sorry.
262
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:05,342
I'll try to stop, I swear.
263
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,574
Good night. Good night.
264
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:17,121
Michael! What? What?
265
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,190
What...
266
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,304
What, are you gonna tell
me I was snoring again?
267
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:24,662
That's right. That's impossible.
My head barely hit the pillow.
268
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,976
I can't help it.
You were snoring.
269
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,702
Now, Michael, I have to get some
rest for my baby shower tomorrow.
270
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,136
Hey, hey.
271
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,538
Take it easy. Take it easy.
272
00:14:34,608 --> 00:14:36,340
I'll go to sleep on my stomach.
273
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,109
I don't snore when I
sleep on my stomach.
274
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:40,017
I hope not. All right.
275
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,101
Good night. Good night.
276
00:15:03,637 --> 00:15:04,746
Michael.
277
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:11,175
Yes, sir. I caught you.
278
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,363
I caught you that time. I
deliberately stayed awake.
279
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,312
What do you got
to say about that?
280
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:17,247
You were snoring. Oh, no.
281
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:20,618
No way, Gloria. I set the
trap, you fell right into it.
282
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:23,387
You just resent the fact
that I can sleep and you can't.
283
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,757
Why can't you just
admit you were snoring?
284
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:26,857
Because...
285
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,929
All right.
286
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,130
All right.
287
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,132
I was snoring.
288
00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:36,278
No, you weren't.
289
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:39,370
I hate you!
290
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,539
You're driving
me into a lunatic!
291
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:45,409
Let me tell you
somethin', Gloria.
292
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,438
This is no way to
make friends in bed.
293
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:51,682
Now I understand
294
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:53,885
that you're a week overdue.
295
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,688
Nine days! All right,
nine days, damn it!
296
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,392
But I'm not gonna be
pushed around any longer.
297
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,928
Oh, blow it out your goodie bag.
298
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:07,731
Where are you goin'?
299
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,678
I'm just gonna have
a little snack here.
300
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,535
What are you talking...
301
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,849
You're not... Don't eat that.
You're not supposed to eat that now.
302
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:16,118
That's for when we
go to the hospital.
303
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:22,880
So this is where my Oreos went.
304
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,217
I just said I didn't eat them.
305
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,952
But you didn't say that
you knew where they were.
306
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:33,124
I didn't have any Ding Dongs. I only
put those in there for the time being.
307
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:35,237
What are you doing? Are
you gonna eat that now?
308
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:36,871
I'm just gonna eat the
white stuff in the middle.
309
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:38,195
I'll put the cookie part back.
310
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:45,269
What good is the cookie part unless
it has the white stuff in the middle?
311
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:48,972
Look what you're doing. You're
breaking the cookie up and everything.
312
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:52,643
Look, why don't you just
stop eating and go to bed, huh?
313
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:55,151
Why? So I can lie there
and listen to you snore?
314
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:57,981
Honey.
315
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,651
Honey, you... you...
You didn't mean that.
316
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:05,856
Why don't you just lie down,
relax, contract your left leg?
317
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:08,070
Aw, contract your own left leg.
318
00:17:08,094 --> 00:17:09,871
As a matter of fact, contract
your whole snoring nose
319
00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:12,255
and suck it right
up inside your face.
320
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:25,809
You know, I'm trying very
hard not to lose my temper.
321
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:27,578
And I...
322
00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:32,349
I understand that
your nerves are frayed.
323
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:35,719
And I'm trying to do
everything to make you happy.
324
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:38,122
Uh, I'll tell you
what. Tell you what.
325
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,424
I won't go to the
basketball game tomorrow.
326
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,627
I'll stay home and take pictures
at the baby shower. Isn't that nice?
327
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:47,831
Don't do me any favors. I don't
want a martyr at my baby shower.
328
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,268
As a matter of fact,
329
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,976
I don't want you to be my
coach in the delivery room.
330
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:58,509
All right.
331
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:00,678
All right.
332
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,713
Great, that's nice.
333
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,148
That's real nice, Gloria.
334
00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:06,428
Maybe... Maybe you don't even
want me in your bedroom, huh?
335
00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:09,654
No. No, I don't want
me in my bedroom.
336
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:11,155
I'm gonna go sleep next door.
337
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:12,823
You're not goin' anywhere.
338
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,094
Release to touch, Meathead.
339
00:18:17,163 --> 00:18:19,063
Hey! Hey!
340
00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:22,344
You leave this house I swear, not only
will I not be at that baby shower tomorrow,
341
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:24,535
I will not be home for
dinner tomorrow night!
342
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,604
Then you'd better take along a
pocketful of Ding Dongs, you dodo.
343
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,848
All right, calling all preggos.
344
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,483
We gotta finish
opening the presents.
345
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,186
Gloria, where are you?
346
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:43,494
I'm coming.
347
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:46,201
Hi, Sylvia. Hi.
348
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,292
Oh, I left the light
on in the john for you.
349
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:51,641
I've been up there four times
already. I can do it in the dark.
350
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,566
Here you are.
Gloria, that's mine.
351
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,935
Feels like a football helmet.
352
00:18:58,003 --> 00:19:00,471
But it's square, Irene.
It's for square-heads.
353
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:03,207
Oh, look at that.
354
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,396
Yeah, here's another
bow for you. Thank you.
355
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,917
Isn't that darling?
356
00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:18,055
Oh, there's a poem here.
357
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:20,324
"The size is right
for sitting pretty
358
00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:22,526
"'Cause a baby's
tush is itty-bitty."
359
00:19:24,097 --> 00:19:25,596
Thank you, guys.
360
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:29,133
That is nice.
361
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,034
Would you please
stop kicking me, pal?
362
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:36,373
Oh, oh, the baby likes its
present. It's clappin', too.
363
00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:39,677
No, he's kicking 'cause
his father's not here.
364
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:43,113
Oh, let's make way
for the next nifty gifty.
365
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,515
There's only two left.
366
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:45,716
Vikki.
367
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,084
Hey, Vikki.
368
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:49,231
Uh, well, wait a minute,
this is your present. Hold it.
369
00:19:49,255 --> 00:19:51,154
I can't hold it. Believe me.
370
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:56,460
Gloria, you don't look happy.
371
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,769
Aren't you having a good time?
372
00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:59,997
Oh, yeah. I'm
having a good time.
373
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,045
But I'd be having
an even better time
374
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:06,389
if I knew Michael was havin' a
rotten time and that's the truth.
375
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,373
Look, Gloria.
376
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:10,585
This is from your mother.
377
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:13,210
Oh, yeah. Here you are.
378
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:16,447
Edith, you read the card. Oh, I
don't have to, I know it by heart.
379
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:19,683
It's a poem. I wrote it myself.
380
00:20:19,751 --> 00:20:22,786
"Pink is for girls,
For boys it is blue
381
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:25,923
"But whatever you
are, I'll always love you."
382
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:29,907
Oh, wait a minute. There's more.
383
00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,397
"Dear baby girl,
384
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:36,133
"Sugar is white, Grass is green
385
00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:39,503
"To your mom you're a
girl, To me you're a queen."
386
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,072
Ma, that's great.
387
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:43,507
But what if it's a boy?
388
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:46,043
Oh, that's the third verse.
389
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:48,345
"Dear baby boy,
390
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:50,747
"I think that I shall never see
391
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,550
"A poem lovely as a tree
392
00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:57,321
"I hope you'll like
this present, see,
393
00:20:57,389 --> 00:21:00,024
"'Cause I don't know
how to crochet a tree."
394
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,328
That's great.
395
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:07,158
Here, Sylvia, you
wear a bow, too. Okay.
396
00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:10,980
Oh, Ma. WOMAN 1: It's beautiful.
397
00:21:11,004 --> 00:21:12,403
It's gorgeous.
398
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,938
"Pink is for girls. For
boys there is blue."
399
00:21:15,008 --> 00:21:17,441
Thanks, Ma. SYLVIA:
Gosh, that's lovely.
400
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:19,409
I hope Mike likes it.
401
00:21:19,478 --> 00:21:20,644
Mike who?
402
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:27,150
Mike Stivic, your
husband, you know.
403
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,734
Oh, yeah, him. I don't
wanna talk about him.
404
00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:34,891
Oh, Gloria.
405
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:39,129
Lots of wives have husband
trouble when they're pregnant.
406
00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:41,531
Even Archie, when
I was carryin' you,
407
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,867
wasn't as sweet as he is now.
408
00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:49,019
I find that hard to believe.
409
00:21:50,209 --> 00:21:52,876
Ma, is Gloria okay?
How's the baby?
410
00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:54,078
Michael!
411
00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:56,247
Gloria, where's the baby?
412
00:22:00,053 --> 00:22:01,293
Sit down.
413
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,521
I was at the game.
414
00:22:03,589 --> 00:22:05,601
An announcement came
over the loudspeaker
415
00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:07,491
paging Dr. Shapiro.
416
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,593
And I said,
417
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:13,330
"That's my wife. My
doctor's having a baby."
418
00:22:13,399 --> 00:22:16,400
There must be a hundred
Dr. Shapiros in New York.
419
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,313
Yeah, but when your
wife is a week overdue
420
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,177
and your doctor is Dr. Shapiro,
421
00:22:20,239 --> 00:22:22,472
any doctor can be
your Dr. Shapiro.
422
00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:25,009
Mike, you're breathing too fast.
423
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:26,977
Ma, he doesn't look too good.
424
00:22:27,046 --> 00:22:28,991
There were five phones. Three of
them were busy, two were out of order.
425
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:30,647
I tried to call.
426
00:22:30,716 --> 00:22:32,282
Michael, calm down.
427
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:33,650
Gloria, he's hyperventilating.
428
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:35,820
He's not even pregnant.
429
00:22:35,888 --> 00:22:38,522
Michael! Ma, go get a paper
bag. I can't stop! I can't stop!
430
00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:42,192
Get your coat off!
431
00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:51,935
Not so fast.
432
00:22:52,004 --> 00:22:53,681
Make believe you're
having labor pains.
433
00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:54,849
I think I am.
434
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:56,240
Here's the paper bag,
435
00:22:56,309 --> 00:22:59,710
and I got a bigger one
if he needs more air.
436
00:22:59,778 --> 00:23:02,124
Inhale, inhale. Just breathe
easy into that, honey.
437
00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:04,915
Exhale. Michael, take
it easy, sweetheart.
438
00:23:04,984 --> 00:23:08,352
Inhale. Exhale. I'm sorry,
honey. This is all my fault.
439
00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:11,388
I've been so rotten in
the last few days. Inhale.
440
00:23:11,457 --> 00:23:13,990
I'm really sorry, honey. Exhale.
441
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,404
I didn't mean all the
bad things I said. Inhale.
442
00:23:16,428 --> 00:23:18,306
Oh, I need you to be my
coach in the delivery room.
443
00:23:18,330 --> 00:23:20,742
Exhale. I really need
you there, honey.
444
00:23:20,766 --> 00:23:23,126
And I love you so,
so much. Inhale.
445
00:23:23,769 --> 00:23:25,689
And I'm sorry. Exhale.
446
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:27,337
Michael.
447
00:23:30,443 --> 00:23:32,709
Michael, please tell
me you forgive me.
448
00:23:33,979 --> 00:23:35,178
I forgive you.
449
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:36,413
Oh, honey.
450
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,652
What are they doing,
starting a second one?
451
00:23:44,690 --> 00:23:49,726
Oh, no. Gloria's just
fixin' Mike's ventilator.
452
00:23:49,795 --> 00:23:53,063
Come upstairs. I'll show you
the baby's room. Oh, yeah.
453
00:23:54,033 --> 00:23:55,665
Oh, it's so cute.
454
00:23:55,734 --> 00:23:56,934
Oh, boy.
455
00:23:57,002 --> 00:23:58,335
Are you feeling better now?
456
00:23:58,404 --> 00:24:00,404
Yeah, yeah. I'm
all right. I'm all right.
457
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,239
Boy, you know, I got...
458
00:24:02,308 --> 00:24:06,410
I got so scared when I heard
them paging Dr. Shapiro.
459
00:24:06,479 --> 00:24:08,719
All kinds of crazy thoughts
went through my head.
460
00:24:08,781 --> 00:24:10,814
I'm sorry I put you
through all that, honey.
461
00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:13,495
That's all right, that's
all right, that's all right.
462
00:24:13,519 --> 00:24:15,586
You know, honey,
463
00:24:15,654 --> 00:24:20,090
I know I'll never understand
everything you're going through.
464
00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:24,361
Hey, if it'd make you
feel any better, though,
465
00:24:24,430 --> 00:24:27,630
I did have six pickles with
my hot dog at the ballgame.
466
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:30,767
You know somethin' else? What?
467
00:24:30,836 --> 00:24:33,237
I was noticing the other day,
468
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:35,586
I think I'm gettin'
stretch marks over here.
469
00:24:35,641 --> 00:24:37,341
Mike.
470
00:24:59,131 --> 00:25:01,376
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
471
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:02,832
before a live audience.
35521
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