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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
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♪ Songs that made the hit parade
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00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:11,209
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
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♪ Those were the days
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♪ And you knew
where you were then
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00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,352
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
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♪ Mister, we could use a man
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♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
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♪ Didn't need no welfare state
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♪ Everybody pulled his weight
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♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
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♪ Those were the days ♪
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Ten down.
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"French word for
'yes', three letters."
15
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It's easy. Oui.
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W-E-E.
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EDITH: Archie!
18
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Come on in, Edith,
the door's open.
19
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Oh, would you open
it for me, please?
20
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My hands are full.
21
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,611
Aw, jeez, what the
hell did she buy now?
22
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I'm comin', Edith.
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Oh, thanks, Archie.
24
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Here, would you
hold those, please?
25
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,630
Two brooms? Wasn't
one enough to fly home on?
26
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:39,197
Ferguson's Market was
havin' a one cent sale.
27
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If you bought one broom, they
give you another one for a penny.
28
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:46,004
Yeah, but how could we use
two exactly-the-same brooms?
29
00:01:46,072 --> 00:01:50,175
Well, I was figurin' on
givin' one to Mike and Gloria.
30
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Aw, jeez. Well, give
them the penny one.
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00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:58,149
I can't remember
which was which.
32
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,388
The one they
gave you last, Edith.
33
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Look at all the toilet paper.
34
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:07,692
You got enough for
a trip to Mexico, here.
35
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:15,800
Guess who's comin' over to
Mike and Gloria's house tonight?
36
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:19,471
To their house?
The Chicago Seven.
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No, Sybil Gooley from
Ferguson's Market.
38
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Aw, jeez, the short-change
artist at the checkout counter.
39
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,692
What did they
invite her over for?
40
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She invited herself.
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See, she can predict,
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00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:38,056
if Gloria's baby is
gonna be a boy or a girl.
43
00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:39,624
How is she gonna do that?
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Oh, I don't know
how she does it.
45
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It's some kind of
a mysterious gift.
46
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:50,302
Well, I've heard of mind
readers, but never a belly reader.
47
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:52,704
Oh, Sybil can do it real good,
48
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she inherited it from her
mother and her grandmothers,
49
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'cause she's the seventh
daughter of a seventh daughter.
50
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,948
Ain't that interesting? Hmm.
51
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:05,583
I wonder what that means?
52
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:09,254
It means she's always last
on the line outside the can.
53
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:14,526
Hi! Hi, Daddy. Hey,
Ma, guess what?
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I'm showin'. Showin' what?
55
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Can't you see?
56
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,867
Oh, I'm sorry, Gloria, but
I don't see nothin' showin'.
57
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,169
Showin' what?
58
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,815
Ma, but... I'm sure you can see.
59
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,707
Maybe if I turn this way, huh?
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00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,776
Well, I know what
you mean, Gloria,
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00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,613
but I don't see nothin' yet.
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00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,594
But, Ma, I've been waiting
four months for this moment,
63
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,629
don't tell me you can't see it.
64
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:43,822
Oh, sure! Yeah.
65
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:48,293
Oh, yeah, there's a little
somethin'. Yeah, you're showin'.
66
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:49,861
Showin' what?
67
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,662
Daddy, the baby!
68
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,631
Don't do that to your father!
69
00:03:55,302 --> 00:03:58,970
Gloria, come on
upstairs with me.
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00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:02,107
I got a surprise
I bought for you.
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Ma, what is it?
Oh, I can' tell you,
72
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:08,713
it's bad enough I know, 'cause
it spoiled the surprise for me.
73
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:13,418
If you're gonna do anymore showin'
up there, pull down the shades.
74
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,921
Hi, Arch, is Gloria here?
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00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:18,230
Yeah, she's upstairs showin'.
76
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,992
Showin' what?
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What you've done.
78
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,399
Oh, you mean the baby's showin'?
79
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:32,003
She thinks it's the baby,
looks like a big lunch to me.
80
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:35,173
How do you like that,
she's showin' already.
81
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,709
Gee, I wonder when the
baby's gonna start to kick?
82
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,846
As soon as he finds out
his old man's a Polack.
83
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,886
All right, that's it.
Goodbye, I'm leavin'.
84
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,455
Oh, come on, come back.
I didn't mean nothin' by it.
85
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:53,091
You know your grandson
is gonna be half Polish?
86
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,061
Yeah, but I didn't
think we had to tell him.
87
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,641
How you gonna talk to him? You
gonna call him a Polack? No, no.
88
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:00,943
You gonna tell him stupid
little Polish jokes? No, no.
89
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:04,569
You're gonna say, "Sonny boy, you know
why they don't make ice cubes in Poland?
90
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,217
"Because the scientist who
invented the formula died!
91
00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:08,573
No, no.
92
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,019
"Isn't that funny, little boy?
93
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,821
"You wanna hear another
funny one, little boy?
94
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,990
"You know why they don't
have fly swatters in Poland?
95
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:17,249
"Because it's against the law
to kill the national bird!" No, no.
96
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,529
I ain't gonna tell him
that, no. Isn't that funny?
97
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,064
That's real funny, Arch. Is that the
way you're gonna talk to your grandson?
98
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:26,491
No, no, no! I ain't gonna hurt his
little feelings with things like that.
99
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,994
Let me tell you somethin', anybody
who makes a Polack crack to my grandson
100
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,797
gets a shot in the mush from me.
101
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:35,166
I hate people that are always
callin' other people names.
102
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:37,702
Now, your Irish mix.
103
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,871
Your Irish mix are
very big on that.
104
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,740
With all their jokes, see.
105
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:45,176
And the mafia. Now, the mafia, they're
the ones that started the Polack jokes
106
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:49,280
to take the heat
off of the dagos.
107
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,384
No, I don't want no more of
your racial jokes around here,
108
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:57,489
because I can't stand people who
are always knockin' minororities.
109
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,930
What's the matter, my fly open?
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00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,813
Gloria, you better
get down here,
111
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,682
I can't stand being
with this guy alone!
112
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:26,618
Come on down, will you?
What are youse doin' up there?
113
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,319
Be down in a minute!
114
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,356
Gee, they're showin'! What are
they showin'? What is there to show?
115
00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:34,170
I don't know, Arch, she's not
supposed to show for another month.
116
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,895
Hey, I hope the
baby's not too big?
117
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:40,264
What do you mean, big? Babies
only come in one size, little.
118
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,700
Arch, what I mean is
that Gloria's a little girl.
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00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:45,047
I just hope she doesn't have
much pain when she gives birth.
120
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,572
Oh, well, well, you can't
get around that, Meathead,
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00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,975
because women are supposed
to have pain in childbirth.
122
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,811
I mean, that's one of
God's commandments.
123
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,115
One of God's commandments?
124
00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:00,918
Yes. Yes, I said the Bible.
If you read it, you'd know.
125
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:04,655
It's right in the beginnin'
there, in the book of Generous.
126
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,725
The Lord said to the women,
127
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:10,762
"In pain, shall youse
bring forth children."
128
00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:15,132
God said "youse"?
129
00:07:17,336 --> 00:07:19,037
Yeah.
130
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:23,541
He must've been hangin' around the
Lower East Side of heaven that day.
131
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,845
There was no New
York, in heaven, dopey.
132
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:30,215
He said that in the Garden of Eden,
when he told Eve not to eat the apple.
133
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,983
But she ate it anyhow.
134
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,153
And the snake was
there, and he rattled on her.
135
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:39,323
And then God ever
after punished women
136
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:42,894
by givin' 'em, here, what
do you call, your labor pains.
137
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,530
First God tells women
to be fruitful and multiply,
138
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:47,376
then when they do,
he makes 'em suffer.
139
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,800
That doesn't make any sense.
140
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:52,036
It ain't supposed to
make sense. It's faith.
141
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:53,437
Faith! Don't you know that?
142
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:55,272
Faith is somethin'
that you'll believe
143
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,976
that nobody in his
right mind will believe in.
144
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,918
Can't you see that?
145
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:10,622
So, "In pain, shall youse
bring forth your children"?
146
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:14,325
Yes. Because Eve ate
the apple, like I told you.
147
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:17,429
How do you know it wasn't
a peach or a kumquat?
148
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,897
Because God didn't
invent them fruits yet.
149
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:23,034
He started with the
A's. A for apple. Get it?
150
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:30,108
If he started with the A's, how
do you know it wasn't an avocado?
151
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:33,322
Because it wasn't. Now, you
know how I know that? How?
152
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,113
Because, look, what
you got, right there.
153
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,282
That's an Adam's apple,
not an Adam's avocado!
154
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,088
Get ready, everybody!
155
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:46,390
Gloria's gonna model
her new maternity blouse.
156
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:50,028
This is the way she's gonna
look in her ninth month.
157
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:58,235
♪ Let me entertain you
158
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,707
♪ Make you smile
159
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,778
♪ A few tricks, some old
and then some new tricks
160
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:10,515
♪ I'm very versatile
161
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,983
♪ Oh, I wish that I could
shimmy like my sister Kate
162
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,497
♪ Boom! Oh! Cut that out!
163
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,265
♪ She shimmies
like a jelly on a plate
164
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,568
♪ And when she
shimmies on the bus, y'all say
165
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,559
♪ They say, boom shaka laka
laka boom shaka laka laka boom ♪
166
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:26,197
What is this? The
disgustin' follies, here?
167
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,401
Congratulations, Mr. Stivic,
168
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:32,537
you are now the proud father
of a bouncing five pound pillow.
169
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:35,173
Aw. Aw, look, honey,
170
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,075
he looks just like you,
171
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,544
he's got your nose
and your eyes.
172
00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:42,380
He's got his whole
head full of feathers.
173
00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,919
Now, listen, cut it out.
No more with this foolin'.
174
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:51,422
Archie, they're just havin' fun.
175
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:55,193
You ain't supposed to have fun
with nothin' as delicate as childbirth.
176
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,174
Let me tell you, little girl, havin' a
baby, that ain't no barrel of monkeys.
177
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,232
Oh! Gloria, that ain't true.
178
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:05,669
Havin' a baby can be one of
the happiest times of your life.
179
00:10:05,738 --> 00:10:08,039
Yeah, Michael and I
have been talking about it.
180
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,540
And when my time comes,
181
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,443
he's gonna make things as
pleasant as possible for me.
182
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:15,412
How's he gonna do
that? Leave town?
183
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:18,783
No. I'm gonna have
natural childbirth.
184
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:21,130
And when the baby's born,
Michael's gonna be right there
185
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,054
in the delivery room to see it.
186
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,189
Wait. Wait.
187
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,258
Wait. Wait.
188
00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:29,928
He's gonna be what?
189
00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:33,564
You heard me. He's gonna be
right there. Aren't you, honey?
190
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,367
That's right.
191
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:40,638
You gonna be in there
watchin' a terrible thing like that?
192
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:44,275
Archie, it ain't terrible.
193
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,944
Oh, lots of husbands today
194
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:50,147
are with their wives when
they're havin' their baby.
195
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,483
I read an article about it once,
196
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,552
in the Reader's Digest.
197
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:58,089
It was called "I
Am Mary's Uterus."
198
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:16,607
What the hell has a musical
instrument got to do with this?
199
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,184
Daddy, you don't understand.
200
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:29,620
I understand that a father ain't
supposed to be in the delivery room.
201
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:33,224
Jeez, even the doctors are a
little ashamed to be in there.
202
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:38,262
I mean, that's one of the
reasons they wear their masks.
203
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:42,467
Daddy, Michael wouldn't miss this
experience for anything, would you, honey?
204
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:44,035
That's right.
205
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:47,505
Yeah, these days,
206
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:51,775
young husbands enjoy
bein' in the delivery room,
207
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:54,912
watchin' their babies
come into the world.
208
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,481
Yeah. Michael doesn't
wanna be in a waiting room
209
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,151
and then have some nurse
come hand him a bundle,
210
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,054
like it was an order
from Colonel Sanders.
211
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:06,090
Well, why does he have
to be in the delivery room?
212
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:10,328
Even the Colonel don't jump into
the pot to watch the chickens cook.
213
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:14,499
Daddy, you're
bein' really silly.
214
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,400
Michael's lookin'
forward to this.
215
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:18,470
Aren't you, honey? Right.
216
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:23,707
I'm warnin' you, buddy, you better
not go into that cuttin' room there.
217
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:25,343
You'll pass out in there.
218
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,879
Did you ever see them
snippin' an umbiblical cord?
219
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:30,582
You'll pass out in there.
220
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,418
Daddy, would you
stop tryin' to scare him?
221
00:12:33,487 --> 00:12:37,155
Michael can't wait for the
big day, can you, honey?
222
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,323
Right.
223
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,959
Ah, well, you're
crazy, the two of youse.
224
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:45,163
The whole world is goin'
to hell in a bucket, jeez!
225
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:48,199
What's the use of talkin'?
No sense of decency no more.
226
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:52,970
Hey, even when Arthur the cat
had kittens, we stayed away from her.
227
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,672
Well, we had to.
228
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:59,243
Arthur didn't like it 'cause
you was always steppin' on her.
229
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:02,747
Daddy never understands
anything that's new or different.
230
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:06,283
He doesn't realize what a thrilling
experience this is gonna be for you.
231
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,418
Yeah!
232
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,222
So, honey, why are
you bein' so quiet?
233
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,930
Why don't you tell
him how you feel?
234
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,727
Oh, uh, you're
doin' fine without me.
235
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,628
Michael, speak up.
236
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:21,365
Uh, well...
237
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:24,269
To be perfectly
honest with you, I, uh...
238
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:25,904
What?
239
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,873
Well, I... I never, uh...
240
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,386
I don't know how
I'm gonna react.
241
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,443
I've never been in the
delivery room before.
242
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,144
Neither have I.
243
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,792
Yeah, but, honey, you're
gonna be there for a reason.
244
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,595
Me? I'll just be standin' around,
gettin' in everybody's way.
245
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:44,922
You get in the way in there,
you're liable to lose an organ or two.
246
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:48,092
I'm getting the feeling that
you're not exactly thrilled
247
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,828
about this beautiful experience
we plan to share together.
248
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:54,232
Honey, uh, I... I never
was exactly thrilled.
249
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,167
But you kept saying
you were thrilled.
250
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,613
Wait a second, wait a
second, wait a second.
251
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:59,348
No, no, you kept
saying I was thrilled.
252
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,883
And I was hoping I would be.
253
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:04,242
But, uh, to tell
you the truth, uh,
254
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:08,612
I don't think I can be in the
room with you when you deliver.
255
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:12,850
You didn't mind being in the room
with me when you placed the order!
256
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,986
Now you wanna back out!
257
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:17,866
Oh, Gloria, try to understand.
258
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,992
Oh, I do. I understand.
But tell me one thing.
259
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:24,728
When I'm in that delivery
room, how do I back out, hmm?
260
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,306
Ah.
261
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,010
Great meal, honey.
262
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,451
That pot roast was never better.
263
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,760
Really outdid
yourself tonight, Gloria.
264
00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:01,499
Oh, that meal was tops!
265
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:02,911
Thank you, Michael.
266
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:04,001
You're welcome, Gloria.
267
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,214
I love you.
268
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,637
Thank you.
269
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:12,209
I wanna tell you that
this has been a gala day.
270
00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:15,179
And a gal a day's
enough for any man.
271
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,214
Oh, come on, honey.
272
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,216
We've always talked
things out in the past.
273
00:15:19,285 --> 00:15:21,018
Don't give me the
silent treatment.
274
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,988
You realize it's been hours
since you said one word to me?
275
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:27,325
Oh, you want one word?
I'll give you one word.
276
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:28,859
Chicken. Oh, come on.
277
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,072
Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!
278
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,162
Gloria!
279
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:36,134
You're acting
childish. No, you are.
280
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:39,904
You don't even have the guts to be with
your own wife when she's having your baby!
281
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,051
You just wanted
all the fun, huh?
282
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,607
Hit-and-run.
283
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:50,014
But when the chips are down and
I need you there, where are you?
284
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,116
Nowhere.
285
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:55,186
I was better off with
the silent treatment.
286
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,089
Gloria, try to put
yourself in my place.
287
00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:00,758
No, you put
yourself in my place.
288
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:02,493
Now, what if you
were having the baby?
289
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,829
And you'd planned on me being
there and then I backed out on you?
290
00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:07,999
What would you think of me?
291
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,345
I'd think you were
chicken, like me.
292
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:12,548
Gloria, just because I don't
wanna be in the room with you,
293
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,238
doesn't mean I
don't want the baby.
294
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,573
I want the baby.
295
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,975
Oh, you want a
baby? Okay, chicken.
296
00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:20,277
Here's an egg, go hatch one.
297
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:21,778
Hello!
298
00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:23,847
Oh, Mike. Hi!
299
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:27,251
I brought a cake over for
when Sybil Gooley gets here.
300
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,852
Gloria's in the kitchen.
301
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,989
Oh. Gloria?
302
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:34,258
Oh, hi there, Meathead. Hi.
303
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,227
What are you so
down in the mouth for?
304
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:39,797
You made the right decision
to stay out of that cuttin' room.
305
00:16:39,865 --> 00:16:42,133
You took my advice
for once in your life.
306
00:16:42,201 --> 00:16:45,369
All I got to say is,
congratulations, put it there.
307
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,721
First time in six years
I shook your hand,
308
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:07,524
you've been walkin' around
with an egg in it the whole time?
309
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:13,331
The sink, the water, the
towel, something, huh?
310
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:16,034
Look at what this
guy done. Jeez.
311
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:18,436
Oh, boy, I can't wait
to taste that cake, Ma.
312
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:21,172
I can't wait for Sybil
Gooley to get here
313
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,320
and tell us whether you're
gonna have a boy or a girl.
314
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,544
Oh, Ma, you don't really
believe in that, do you?
315
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,480
Aw, jeez, you're still on
that Sybil Gooley malarkey?
316
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:33,250
Oh, it's gonna be fun,
you gonna love it, Archie.
317
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:35,519
It's like a magic show.
318
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:38,523
If you believe in it, it's fun.
319
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,025
Oh, if she's such a hot
predictor, how come at the market,
320
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:42,738
she's gotta open
up the paper bags
321
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:46,897
to tell whether you
bought cherries or grapes?
322
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:50,835
That's 'cause she only does
babies, she don't do fruits.
323
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:54,739
I wish she'd get here,
324
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:58,142
I'm anxious to find out
what you're gonna have.
325
00:17:58,210 --> 00:17:59,477
Ain't you, Mike?
326
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:02,179
If he was, Ma, he'd be in
the delivery room with me.
327
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,248
Hey, you know, this
is a nice chair here,
328
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:06,551
let this be my chair
when I'm over here, huh?
329
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,053
That must be Sybil Gooley.
330
00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:12,990
Aw, jeez, the dame
with the x-ray eyes.
331
00:18:13,058 --> 00:18:14,992
Hi, Sybil! Come
on in. Hi, Sybil!
332
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:17,260
Let me take your coat. I
came straight from work.
333
00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:20,698
Listen, I'm readin' a lady in
her eighth month at 9:00 sharp.
334
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,366
So I got 20 minutes tops.
335
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,179
Hi Archie, where's
Gloria? Hi. Hi.
336
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:25,981
She's in the kitchen. Yeah,
but before you see her,
337
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:28,839
I want your expert opinion
on somethin' here, Sybil.
338
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,708
Have a look at that.
339
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,658
What do you think I'm
gonna have, a boy or a girl?
340
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:39,349
You? You're gonna
have twin six packs.
341
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:42,820
Why don't you sit down?
342
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,200
Yeah, oh, but not in my chair,
Sybil, over there, huh? Here.
343
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:48,425
Hot coffee! SYBIL: Oh,
Gloria, there you are.
344
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,872
Oh, hi, Sybil.
You look adorable.
345
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,607
Thanks. Listen, I
ain't got much time.
346
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,241
So, come on, let's see
what we got over here,
347
00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:54,977
lay down on the couch and
give me your wedding ring.
348
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,734
Get out of the way, Mike.
349
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,815
Well, I don't see how you're
gonna see into a girl's stomach.
350
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,440
Unless she's got a
keyhole for a bellybutton.
351
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:05,209
Listen, I never miss,
and I'm never wrong.
352
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,355
I'm gonna give her
the ring on a string test.
353
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:08,813
Well, how does it work?
354
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,348
You hold the
string over the baby,
355
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:14,051
and if it swings back
and forth, it's a boy,
356
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,320
if it swings in a
circle, it's a girl.
357
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:19,323
Now, everybody quiet. Shh!
358
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,558
Shh. Shh.
359
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:23,794
Shh! Shh.
360
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,964
What is this? Lights
out at the reptile house?
361
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,905
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm,
beginnin' to move.
362
00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:37,608
It's beginnin' to move,
it's startin' to move.
363
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,288
There it goes, there it goes.
364
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,545
Ain't this mysterious?
365
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,880
Yeah, it's crapola, too.
366
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,718
Here it goes. It's
movin'. It's movin'.
367
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,065
It's movin', it's
movin' back and forth.
368
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,400
Yeah. It's startin' to
move back and forth,
369
00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:55,170
What's that? That means,
that's means it's gonna be a boy.
370
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,172
Gonna be a boy? It looks
like it's gonna be a boy.
371
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,963
Yeah, yeah! It's gonna be a boy!
372
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,898
Here it goes, it's a boy!
373
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:03,266
It's a boy!
374
00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:05,714
No, no, it's not gonna
be a boy. Hey! Wait a...
375
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,415
What are you doin'? What?
376
00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:09,051
No, it's startin' to go round.
377
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,586
It's round. It's goin' around.
378
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,821
When it goes in a circle
that means it's a girl.
379
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:14,489
Don't let it do
that! It's a girl.
380
00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:16,981
When it swings in a
circle, it's gonna be a girl!
381
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,262
Well, make it go the
other way, back and forth.
382
00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:21,785
Daddy! Shh!
383
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:24,700
Don't do that, you're
blowin' it into a female.
384
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,335
Back and forth, back
and forth. No. In a circle!
385
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,926
In a circle! Will you
stifle yourself here?
386
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:32,240
Shut up, everybody! It's
swingin' back and forth.
387
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:34,442
Back and forth. Come on.
There it is. It's goin' back and forth.
388
00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:35,626
It's gonna be...
389
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:38,469
I think it's gonna
be a... Gloria.
390
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:40,148
Gloria... Huh?
391
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:42,184
Keep it goin'! It's
no question about it.
392
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,019
It's swingin' back
and forth. Yeah.
393
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:47,178
Yeah. It's gonna be a boy!
394
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,612
A boy!
395
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:52,582
There it is. I'm a winner,
we're gonna have a boy.
396
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,263
I thought you said
it was crapola?
397
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:58,522
Well, yeah, until I seen
it with my own eyes.
398
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,759
I was hopin' it would be a girl.
399
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,628
But boys are nice, too.
400
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,340
Well, listen, it didn't
take much time,
401
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:06,909
I got some time
for coffee and cake.
402
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,198
Oh, good! Okay!
403
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,667
Hey, Sybil.
404
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:12,414
Uh, Ma tells me that
you have three children?
405
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:15,006
No, four. Everybody
forgets Melvin.
406
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,551
How come they forget Melvin?
407
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:19,676
He was born durin' a garbage
strike, so nobody noticed.
408
00:21:19,745 --> 00:21:21,545
Why? Why do you ask, Mike?
409
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:23,380
Well, uh,
410
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:26,684
when you were givin' birth, did
you... did you have much pain?
411
00:21:26,753 --> 00:21:28,285
Sure, I had plenty.
412
00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:29,865
But you got nothin'
to worry about.
413
00:21:29,889 --> 00:21:31,255
It ain't gonna hurt you.
414
00:21:31,324 --> 00:21:33,124
Certainly she had pain.
415
00:21:33,192 --> 00:21:35,993
I told you that,
it's in the Bible.
416
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:40,097
They mentioned me in the Bible?
417
00:21:40,166 --> 00:21:42,767
The Lord, in the Bible,
said to the women,
418
00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:45,770
"In pain shall youse
bring forth children."
419
00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:47,383
And you know why
the Bible said that?
420
00:21:47,407 --> 00:21:50,674
Yeah, because the
Bible was written by men.
421
00:21:50,743 --> 00:21:54,945
That's right.
Matthew, Mark, Luke...
422
00:21:55,013 --> 00:21:58,883
Sure, there wasn't no
Patty, Maxine or Laverne.
423
00:21:58,951 --> 00:22:00,962
Here's your beer.
Yeah, you're a good girl.
424
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,820
I know.
425
00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:05,923
You men, you're such
cowards, you're so afraid of pain.
426
00:22:05,992 --> 00:22:09,026
If you had to give birth,
nobody'd ever get born.
427
00:22:09,095 --> 00:22:10,661
Can I ask you somethin' else?
428
00:22:10,729 --> 00:22:14,899
Uh... Your husband, was he
with you in the delivery room?
429
00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:17,501
My Harry?
430
00:22:17,569 --> 00:22:19,469
Let me tell you
somethin' about my Harry,
431
00:22:19,538 --> 00:22:22,572
with our first three babies,
he drove me to the hospital,
432
00:22:22,641 --> 00:22:24,041
but with our fourth baby,
433
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:26,176
when I said "Harry, it's time",
434
00:22:26,245 --> 00:22:30,080
he hands me the keys to the car.
435
00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:32,160
So your husband wasn't
with you in the delivery room?
436
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:35,452
Oh, no. My Harry couldn't
do somethin' like that.
437
00:22:35,521 --> 00:22:39,590
Then he missed the
biggest thrill of his life!
438
00:22:39,659 --> 00:22:43,727
Oh, I'll never forget
when Gloria was born.
439
00:22:43,796 --> 00:22:46,163
Don't make this long, Edith.
440
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:47,765
That hurt me.
441
00:22:49,969 --> 00:22:52,703
The doctor said it was so easy.
442
00:22:52,771 --> 00:22:54,938
He started telling jokes!
443
00:22:55,007 --> 00:22:57,741
And me and the
nurses was all laughin'!
444
00:23:00,646 --> 00:23:05,082
And then I heard
the baby's first cry.
445
00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:10,887
Oh, my, look, I got goose
pimples thinkin' about it.
446
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:12,901
Do you remember that, Sybil?
447
00:23:12,925 --> 00:23:16,126
Oh, they was the most thrillin'
moments in my whole life.
448
00:23:16,195 --> 00:23:18,529
I was only sorry that my Harry
449
00:23:18,598 --> 00:23:20,831
wasn't there to hear it with me.
450
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:23,300
I was lookin' at the doctor.
451
00:23:23,368 --> 00:23:27,537
And I could see the whole
miracle of Gloria's birth
452
00:23:27,606 --> 00:23:29,306
right in his eyes.
453
00:23:29,374 --> 00:23:32,676
And the only thing
I could think of was,
454
00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:35,079
I wish they was Archie's eyes.
455
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:37,081
Oh, leave me out of it.
456
00:23:37,149 --> 00:23:38,682
That hurt me!
457
00:23:41,487 --> 00:23:44,088
Listen, Sybil, I don't
care about nothin' else,
458
00:23:44,157 --> 00:23:46,434
but the ring in a
string test was swell,
459
00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:48,125
I just hope it works.
460
00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:50,527
Well, listen. If you
want a second opinion,
461
00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:54,598
I can always give
her the Drano test.
462
00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:57,779
The, uh, t-the what? The
Drano test? What's that?
463
00:23:57,803 --> 00:24:01,404
Well, you pour a little
Drano into a porcelain dish,
464
00:24:01,473 --> 00:24:04,041
and the pregnant
woman spits into it.
465
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:06,543
And then what happens?
466
00:24:06,612 --> 00:24:10,480
What happens is, there's a
dish I ain't never gonna eat out of.
467
00:24:13,219 --> 00:24:15,097
Oh, honey, are you sure? Yes.
468
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:18,389
Yes, I figured, there'll be plenty of
room for me in that delivery room,
469
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,923
I won't get in anybody's way.
470
00:24:19,992 --> 00:24:23,171
Oh, come on, that's not the
reason you changed your mind.
471
00:24:23,195 --> 00:24:24,527
No.
472
00:24:24,997 --> 00:24:26,796
I figured,
473
00:24:26,866 --> 00:24:30,400
if you're gonna see our
baby's birth in somebody's eyes,
474
00:24:31,070 --> 00:24:33,503
I want 'em to be mine.
475
00:24:33,572 --> 00:24:34,904
I love you.
476
00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:36,740
Unless I pass out.
477
00:24:38,944 --> 00:24:43,179
Well, if you do, I'll have the doctor
give you mouth to mouth resuscitation.
478
00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:46,283
Make it the nurse and
you got yourself a deal.
479
00:25:06,839 --> 00:25:09,150
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
480
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:11,007
before a live audience.
37873
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