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Previously on
Childrens Hospital...
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00:00:02,514 --> 00:00:05,149
And then we'll insert this
tiny camera into your son's
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00:00:05,184 --> 00:00:07,251
urethra and take pictures
of his urinary tract.
4
00:00:07,286 --> 00:00:09,821
- What happened?
- I lost another one.
5
00:00:09,855 --> 00:00:11,856
Ooh, it never gets any easier,
does it?
6
00:00:11,890 --> 00:00:13,591
- We're not gods.
- No.
7
00:00:13,625 --> 00:00:17,361
- We're just men and women.
- Ah, yeah.
8
00:00:23,168 --> 00:00:24,402
Attention, staff.
9
00:00:24,436 --> 00:00:26,070
I had that awful nightmare again.
10
00:00:26,105 --> 00:00:29,006
All right, people,
looks like a building collapsed
11
00:00:29,041 --> 00:00:31,809
downtown and two critically
injured patients have been
12
00:00:31,844 --> 00:00:33,978
rerouted here for emergency treatment.
13
00:00:34,012 --> 00:00:37,381
I'm putting my best doctors on it...
Dr. Maestro, Dr. Richie,
14
00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:39,217
Dr. Flame, Dr. Fantastic.
15
00:00:39,251 --> 00:00:40,384
Hey, hey, hey!
16
00:00:40,419 --> 00:00:42,720
Dr. Downs, and that's it.
17
00:00:44,590 --> 00:00:48,259
Mm, looks like somebody forgot
their cough drop, Dr. Spratt.
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00:00:48,293 --> 00:00:50,394
Ooh.
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00:00:50,429 --> 00:00:51,395
God!
20
00:00:51,430 --> 00:00:54,198
Let's show them what
Childrens Hospital is all about.
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00:00:54,233 --> 00:00:55,032
Do it!
22
00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:58,503
Doctor.
23
00:00:58,537 --> 00:00:59,604
Okay.
24
00:00:59,638 --> 00:01:00,671
You're a great surgeon.
25
00:01:00,706 --> 00:01:03,574
- Oh.
- Mm.
26
00:01:03,609 --> 00:01:05,376
This is why you went
to medical school.
27
00:01:05,410 --> 00:01:07,979
Yes.
28
00:01:08,013 --> 00:01:09,780
Why is this part happening?
29
00:01:09,815 --> 00:01:13,985
Your pupil dilation suggests of
high bortiaphine levels, Captain.
30
00:01:14,019 --> 00:01:16,120
Lieutenant, am I gonna make it?
31
00:01:16,155 --> 00:01:18,723
Fear the borg may have
contaminated your bloodstream
32
00:01:18,757 --> 00:01:19,957
with nano probes, sir.
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00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:20,791
Wow.
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00:01:20,826 --> 00:01:21,792
Good day, doctor.
35
00:01:21,827 --> 00:01:26,130
I am Lieutenant D'Ghor Koru,
medical officer on the starship Nivoa.
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00:01:26,165 --> 00:01:29,467
- While attending a starfleet event nearby...
- Um, you mean the
37
00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:31,469
"Nerd-Con" at the convention
center next door?
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00:01:31,503 --> 00:01:32,904
Okay.
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00:01:32,938 --> 00:01:35,907
Listen, Dildo, your friend is sick,
you've never touched a tit
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00:01:35,941 --> 00:01:39,610
in your life, and he needs a doctor...
A real doctor, one who's been laid.
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00:01:39,645 --> 00:01:42,180
Now, I would do it, but come on.
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00:01:42,214 --> 00:01:44,015
Look at me.
43
00:01:44,049 --> 00:01:46,117
Look at you.
44
00:01:46,151 --> 00:01:47,885
Ah!
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00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,655
These are tits.
46
00:01:50,689 --> 00:01:54,792
Do she think meant she would do it,
like do us or... or do the procedure?
47
00:01:54,826 --> 00:01:55,927
- Procedure.
- Yeah.
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00:01:55,961 --> 00:01:58,729
Dori, find another doctor
to treat the dork in room 7.
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00:01:58,764 --> 00:02:00,398
Not gonna happen.
50
00:02:01,466 --> 00:02:02,567
Somebody please help me!
51
00:02:02,601 --> 00:02:04,202
There's something wrong with my son.
52
00:02:04,236 --> 00:02:05,536
And what is your name, sir?
53
00:02:05,571 --> 00:02:06,337
Jeffrey Ross.
54
00:02:06,371 --> 00:02:07,438
"Jeffrey Ross. "
55
00:02:07,472 --> 00:02:08,873
And occupation?
56
00:02:08,907 --> 00:02:13,110
Insult comic and roastmaster general.
57
00:02:13,145 --> 00:02:14,345
I'll take it from here, sir.
58
00:02:14,379 --> 00:02:15,179
Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
59
00:02:15,214 --> 00:02:17,715
We need a nurse, not
Florence Nighting-whale.
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00:02:20,686 --> 00:02:21,586
You know what?
61
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:23,688
You could play a
house on "House. "
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00:02:25,691 --> 00:02:26,791
Oh, this is fun.
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00:02:26,825 --> 00:02:28,292
I've never roasted a pig before.
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00:02:30,429 --> 00:02:32,897
Somebody please help my son!
65
00:02:32,931 --> 00:02:34,632
Thank you!
66
00:02:34,666 --> 00:02:36,667
They were rushed here from
the building collapse.
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00:02:36,702 --> 00:02:39,670
This flagpole fell and pierced them
both without hitting any major organs.
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00:02:39,705 --> 00:02:42,873
I don't want to be stuck next
to this useless old dude!
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00:02:42,908 --> 00:02:44,208
I pity you, son.
70
00:02:44,243 --> 00:02:46,510
Doctors, my name is Hubert McGraw.
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00:02:46,545 --> 00:02:48,879
I'm 67 years old.
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00:02:48,914 --> 00:02:54,552
I've lived a good life, and I want you
to know I made peace with my God.
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00:02:54,586 --> 00:02:58,189
You guys better save me, or my dad's
gonna sue the crap out of this place.
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00:02:58,223 --> 00:03:00,625
Could someone please
help me with my son?
75
00:03:00,659 --> 00:03:03,027
I haven't seen this many guys on
one pole since I went to that
76
00:03:03,061 --> 00:03:04,662
party at Andy Dick's house.
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00:03:06,265 --> 00:03:07,898
Somebody please help my son!
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00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:10,935
Oh, my God,
that's insult comic Jeff Ross.
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00:03:10,969 --> 00:03:12,336
I'm a huge fan of his.
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00:03:12,371 --> 00:03:14,071
Hey, you guys got this, right?
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00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:16,474
You just want to treat
Jeffrey Ross' son, don't you?
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00:03:16,508 --> 00:03:17,375
No, no, no.
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00:03:17,409 --> 00:03:21,312
I want to not treat Jeffrey Ross'
kid so he has to stay here longer.
84
00:03:21,346 --> 00:03:24,248
We can enjoy his particular brand
of ball-busting as long as we want.
85
00:03:24,283 --> 00:03:25,349
Great idea, Blake.
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00:03:25,384 --> 00:03:27,618
With any luck,
that kid will slip into a coma.
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00:03:27,653 --> 00:03:28,786
Oh, yeah.
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00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:32,156
Much like I do whenever I watch a
roast Jeffrey Ross doesn't host.
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00:03:36,762 --> 00:03:37,595
Okay.
Cool.
90
00:03:37,629 --> 00:03:39,964
Dr. Spratt, you have to help.
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00:03:39,998 --> 00:03:42,033
No other doctor wants
to treat the nerd.
92
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,668
You have to see what's going on.
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00:03:45,570 --> 00:03:49,674
Much like I... much like I wa...
a roast that he doesn't host.
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00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:52,276
Oh, oh, oh.
95
00:03:53,879 --> 00:03:56,580
What is going on?
96
00:03:56,615 --> 00:03:57,982
God, I hate you two!
97
00:03:58,016 --> 00:03:59,684
What means this word, "hate"?
98
00:03:59,718 --> 00:04:02,920
Where the hell is the
bionic arm I asked you for?
99
00:04:02,954 --> 00:04:04,755
It doesn't exist, you idiot.
100
00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:06,624
- Call security.
- Yeah, okay.
101
00:04:06,658 --> 00:04:09,627
Here, hold this incision open
while I insert the transinducer.
102
00:04:09,661 --> 00:04:11,162
What? No! No!
103
00:04:15,901 --> 00:04:17,034
Wait, what's happening?
104
00:04:17,836 --> 00:04:19,170
What?
105
00:04:19,204 --> 00:04:20,771
I feel... I feel strong.
106
00:04:20,806 --> 00:04:23,007
I implanted a transinducer, Captain.
107
00:04:23,041 --> 00:04:24,875
It's fighting the borg's techno-virus.
108
00:04:24,910 --> 00:04:26,010
Thank you, Lieutenant.
109
00:04:26,044 --> 00:04:28,946
Starfleet Command will be made
aware of what you did here today.
110
00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:31,849
Why are you still
talking like this?
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00:04:31,883 --> 00:04:32,717
Like what?
112
00:04:32,751 --> 00:04:35,786
We are merely talking to
each other with the honor,
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00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:39,023
respect, and admiration that
we've earned through years of
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00:04:39,057 --> 00:04:41,662
serving together.
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00:04:43,528 --> 00:04:45,496
That was beautiful.
116
00:04:51,536 --> 00:04:54,538
Oh, no.
117
00:04:54,573 --> 00:04:56,407
Oh, man. This is awesome.
118
00:04:57,676 --> 00:04:59,677
Thank you so much.
119
00:04:59,711 --> 00:05:01,178
Let's just ease this off.
120
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:05,616
Yeah, he had a fever, an upset stomach,
and then he just passed out.
121
00:05:05,650 --> 00:05:09,286
Listen, I just have got
to tell you how excited we
122
00:05:09,321 --> 00:05:10,454
all are to have you here today!
123
00:05:10,489 --> 00:05:11,622
Yeah, it is exciting.
124
00:05:11,656 --> 00:05:14,058
- I mean, you are the king.
- You're the king.
125
00:05:14,092 --> 00:05:15,493
What happened to you, by the way?
126
00:05:15,527 --> 00:05:16,527
What do you mean?
127
00:05:16,561 --> 00:05:17,161
Here it comes.
128
00:05:17,195 --> 00:05:19,497
The last chick I saw walking
like you was Pam Anderson after
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00:05:19,531 --> 00:05:20,331
she banged Tommy Lee.
130
00:05:21,633 --> 00:05:25,803
I have a degenerative
nerve disorder that's slowly
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00:05:25,837 --> 00:05:28,005
crippling me... started with my legs.
132
00:05:28,039 --> 00:05:28,472
Yeah.
133
00:05:28,507 --> 00:05:29,507
Can you help my son now?
134
00:05:29,541 --> 00:05:30,641
Do me now. Do me.
135
00:05:30,675 --> 00:05:32,209
How am I possibly worthy of insults?
136
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:33,811
Chief, we need you guys.
137
00:05:33,845 --> 00:05:35,379
We have a situation here.
138
00:05:35,414 --> 00:05:37,681
What started out as a routine
multiple pole impaling has
139
00:05:37,716 --> 00:05:39,617
become a socioracial minefield.
140
00:05:39,651 --> 00:05:41,385
We can only save one of the men.
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00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:42,885
This is a P. R. nightmare.
142
00:05:42,954 --> 00:05:45,089
If we save the white kid,
the press labels us racist.
143
00:05:45,123 --> 00:05:47,425
And if we save the old
jazz musician, then we'll
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00:05:47,459 --> 00:05:49,126
lose the young white
male in his prime.
145
00:05:49,161 --> 00:05:52,296
Either way, we're in danger of
inciting a real race war here, Chief.
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00:05:52,330 --> 00:05:54,698
- Your call.
- My instinct is to let them both die.
147
00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:57,300
- Let me kill them.
- Yeah, do it. Go for it.
148
00:05:57,369 --> 00:05:58,634
Wait! No! No. No.
149
00:05:58,703 --> 00:06:01,238
What if someone finds
out we let them die?
150
00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:05,009
We're doctors and, damn it,
we took an oath to first do no harm.
151
00:06:05,043 --> 00:06:09,647
And that's what I intend to
do in there... no first harm.
152
00:06:09,681 --> 00:06:12,783
Who's with me?
153
00:06:13,752 --> 00:06:14,718
Wet.
154
00:06:14,753 --> 00:06:16,387
What's the story, Nurse Beth?
155
00:06:16,421 --> 00:06:17,054
Is it working?
156
00:06:17,088 --> 00:06:18,489
The heart rates are falling.
157
00:06:18,523 --> 00:06:19,089
Ah!
158
00:06:19,124 --> 00:06:21,859
Well, we gave it a good shot,
but one of these guys is gonna die.
159
00:06:21,893 --> 00:06:25,329
I'm happy and content to give my
life in order to save another.
160
00:06:25,363 --> 00:06:29,700
Besides, I have terminal cancer,
and it'll mean I'll be able to
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00:06:29,734 --> 00:06:32,703
reunite with my dear, sweet Louise.
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00:06:32,737 --> 00:06:33,370
Okay.
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00:06:33,405 --> 00:06:35,039
I guess it's clear what we need to do.
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00:06:35,073 --> 00:06:35,973
Thank you, doctor.
165
00:06:36,007 --> 00:06:37,107
Sorry, white kid.
166
00:06:37,142 --> 00:06:38,676
He just said you should save me!
167
00:06:38,710 --> 00:06:41,111
The choice is between
tomorrow's headlines reading
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00:06:41,146 --> 00:06:45,131
"Beloved grandfather, war hero, and
black American lives through a tragedy"
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00:06:45,142 --> 00:06:48,819
or "Doctors save hate-spewing,
crappy-music-loving date rapist. "
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00:06:48,854 --> 00:06:49,753
We choose the latter.
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00:06:49,788 --> 00:06:50,754
No, the former.
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00:06:50,789 --> 00:06:51,755
What'd I say?
173
00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:52,957
You said the latter.
174
00:06:53,625 --> 00:06:54,592
Let's do this, guys.
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00:06:55,227 --> 00:06:56,427
Do your worst, sir.
176
00:06:56,461 --> 00:06:57,161
Okay.
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00:06:57,195 --> 00:06:58,429
Uh, hold on. Hold on.
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00:06:58,463 --> 00:06:59,296
Okay, okay, okay.
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00:06:59,331 --> 00:07:01,999
You're so handicapped,
that you need your own parking space,
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00:07:02,033 --> 00:07:03,267
preferably one near the door.
181
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:08,172
I haven't heard this many bad
jokes since Seinfeld first tried
182
00:07:08,206 --> 00:07:09,106
airplane food.
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00:07:10,308 --> 00:07:12,109
Can you please help my son?
184
00:07:12,143 --> 00:07:13,944
Chief, Dr. Downs, you're needed in the O. R.
185
00:07:13,979 --> 00:07:16,280
Hey, listen, Jeff,
why don't you come with us, huh?
186
00:07:16,314 --> 00:07:19,283
It would be an honor to watch you
employ the healing power of laughter.
187
00:07:19,317 --> 00:07:20,584
We'll treat your son.
188
00:07:20,619 --> 00:07:21,552
I'll be right back.
189
00:07:21,586 --> 00:07:23,787
- All right! We got him!
- We got him!
190
00:07:23,822 --> 00:07:24,655
Let's go.
191
00:07:24,689 --> 00:07:26,657
Hang in there, buddy.
192
00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:33,464
- My chooq is still hard.
- Yeah.
193
00:07:33,498 --> 00:07:36,634
It wants to dock with
your Tag'Nor again.
194
00:07:36,668 --> 00:07:37,968
Dock it.
195
00:07:38,003 --> 00:07:39,136
Dr. Spratt?
196
00:07:39,170 --> 00:07:40,170
You're needed in the O. R.
197
00:07:40,205 --> 00:07:41,338
N... needed?
198
00:07:41,373 --> 00:07:42,940
What means this word, "needed"?
199
00:07:42,974 --> 00:07:47,978
Come on!
200
00:07:48,013 --> 00:07:50,548
Ensign Spratt, set phasers for stun.
201
00:07:50,582 --> 00:07:52,583
I don't know how to do that.
202
00:07:52,617 --> 00:07:54,752
Doctors, kindly step
away from these men.
203
00:07:54,786 --> 00:07:56,287
Lola, what are you doing?
204
00:07:56,321 --> 00:07:58,722
What I should have been
doing this entire time...
205
00:07:58,757 --> 00:07:59,557
Getting a boyfriend.
206
00:07:59,591 --> 00:08:01,458
And saving these men's lives.
207
00:08:01,493 --> 00:08:02,893
Yes, and that.
208
00:08:02,928 --> 00:08:05,429
We can't save the both of them!
209
00:08:05,463 --> 00:08:09,900
I have taken a sworn oath to save
every life I come in contact with!
210
00:08:09,935 --> 00:08:12,870
Now step aside!
211
00:08:13,905 --> 00:08:14,572
Whoa!
212
00:08:14,606 --> 00:08:15,806
Get a load of these guys.
213
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,710
You look like so-and-so
and so-and-so had a baby.
214
00:08:19,744 --> 00:08:22,379
Hey, that's...
What was it, laundry day?
215
00:08:22,414 --> 00:08:23,581
I don't know.
216
00:08:23,615 --> 00:08:25,382
Something's wrong with me.
217
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:28,452
Too many insults in my head at once.
218
00:08:28,486 --> 00:08:33,157
Hey, have you ever noticed...
What was it?
219
00:08:33,191 --> 00:08:34,925
Bea Arthur's dick.
220
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,727
- I'm shutting down.
- No, Jeff.
221
00:08:36,761 --> 00:08:38,629
- I'll be here all week.
- Jeff.
222
00:08:38,663 --> 00:08:41,365
- That's my time, folks.
- No!
223
00:08:41,399 --> 00:08:42,099
Joke overload.
224
00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:43,067
We lost Jeffrey Ross.
225
00:08:43,935 --> 00:08:46,036
And now these two are dead.
226
00:08:46,071 --> 00:08:47,538
This is our last hope.
227
00:08:47,572 --> 00:08:51,775
If I can reverse the polarity on
this phaser, we can get them back.
228
00:08:51,810 --> 00:08:56,413
But if I'm even a microsecond off,
it could tear a hole in the
229
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:59,283
fabric of space.
230
00:08:59,317 --> 00:09:01,685
Do it!
231
00:09:02,387 --> 00:09:03,721
Aah!
232
00:09:03,755 --> 00:09:05,356
Oh, he's doing it!
233
00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:08,792
Ah!
234
00:09:08,827 --> 00:09:11,495
Aah!
235
00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:13,163
Hey.
236
00:09:13,198 --> 00:09:15,366
Son of a bitch! He did it!
237
00:09:21,973 --> 00:09:24,575
What the hell is going on here?
238
00:09:24,609 --> 00:09:27,845
You trusted these men's
lives to this guy?
239
00:09:27,879 --> 00:09:29,246
This place is full of doctors.
240
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:35,219
This is criminally irresponsible.
241
00:09:37,555 --> 00:09:40,257
Hey, we just got roasted.
242
00:09:41,059 --> 00:09:43,961
Captain Stern and Lieutenant Koru,
ready to beam up.
243
00:09:43,995 --> 00:09:45,696
No! Don't go!
244
00:09:45,730 --> 00:09:48,999
But the galaxy needs me,
just like you are needed here.
245
00:09:49,034 --> 00:09:53,303
I understand.
246
00:09:53,338 --> 00:09:55,172
- So, we're cool?
- Oh, yeah, we're good.
247
00:09:55,206 --> 00:09:58,575
Okay, great.
248
00:09:59,411 --> 00:10:00,878
Ready to be beamed up.
249
00:10:00,912 --> 00:10:02,179
Oh, no, they...
I... I told them.
250
00:10:02,213 --> 00:10:04,581
Oh, sorry. Never mind.
251
00:10:04,616 --> 00:10:05,916
I'm not trying to be a dick.
252
00:10:05,950 --> 00:10:07,718
- They just hate it when you...
- No, no, I get it. I get it.
253
00:10:07,752 --> 00:10:09,720
Okay.
254
00:10:14,459 --> 00:10:17,227
Um, I may...
I'm gonna move my car.
255
00:10:17,262 --> 00:10:19,363
- Yeah, I'm gonna...
- I think I parked behind you.
256
00:10:19,397 --> 00:10:20,431
You parked behind me?
257
00:10:20,465 --> 00:10:21,198
I did, yeah.
258
00:10:21,232 --> 00:10:22,533
I'm gonna get some soup.
259
00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:27,938
I'm gonna move my car,
'cause I have the access... I guess...
260
00:10:54,784 --> 00:11:02,505
Sync by honeybunny
www. addic7ed. com
261
00:11:05,276 --> 00:11:11,515
We fool around, we joke, and...
Two people died today.
262
00:11:11,549 --> 00:11:14,752
Attention... I totally
don't get "Robot Chicken. "
18906
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