All language subtitles for LA.to.Vegas.S01E09.Overbooked.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-QOQ

- Do the new uniforms feel weird to you?

I am so itchy.

My body is actively rejecting this uniform.

This job ruins everything.
My skin. My dating life.

Would you like to vent
about your dating life?

Yes. You remember Bryan,

the cute chef that I met?

Well, we still haven't found time

to have our first date.

I was supposed to see him last night,

but then we got delayed in Reno.

Oh, honey. If your plans hinge on Reno,

there's something wrong with your plans.

No, the problem is when you spend

60 hours a week in the
sky, it is impossible

to have a normal relationship
with a regular person.

Can't have relationships
with airline people, either.

- Hot dammit.
- What happened to you?

Love happened to me.

It happened to me hard,

and not in the good way.

Gwen left me for another man.

Oh, no. Who's Gwen?

She was the air traffic
controller I fell for.

She left me for a limo driver named Rod.

He probably used a line on her like,

"My car's not the only
thing longer than average."

- God, that's a good line.
- I get it, Dave.

Love is the worst.

The absolute worst.

It's like, "Why even try?"

The universe is a cold bastard.

Sounds hard.

I deal with systemic racism every day.

Least you're getting laid.

Damn right, I am.

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

Is it me, or is the gate
more crowded than usual?

Well, there's a big MMA fight tonight.

- Ah.
- McKnickerson-Kang II.

It's a rematch. The Irish Volcano

versus the Emerald of Samoa.

This is huge betting weekend for me.

Well, it is a lot of men.

It must be a good weekend for you, too.

No, fight nights are
usually dead at the club,

so we have our intramural softball game.

It's a makeup against Momshells.
They canceled last week

- due to custody hearings.
- Yeah.

Hope they're ready to
lose two weeks in a row.

Dear God.

I'm in charge of snacks.

Stop... fighting... back.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

I'm a little busy here.

I just need to know where to put this.

Oh, come on, dude. Bryan.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought since we can't

schedule a date in the world,

I'd bring a date here.

Oh, you brought a date?

That seems cruel, but fine.

She's getting a middle seat.

Bad phrasing.

I meant we could have a date at your work.

I bought tickets to fly
back and forth all weekend,

which you'll either find charming

or use as grounds for a restraining order.

Well, lucky for you, I
can't afford a lawyer,

so I have to find it charming.

But really...

I don't know what to say.

I mean, this is, like, the sweetest thing

- anyone's ever done for me.
- Miss?

Can I borrow your shoes
to go to the bathroom?

I have to go explain society to someone,

but I will be back.

Well, uh, you know, take your time.

I'll have a-a whole date waiting
for you when you're ready.

You're gonna have to handle
the comms today, Alan.

I don't think I can bear
to hear Gwen's voice.

Oh, Gwen's not working this week.

She told me she was going on vacation

with some guy named Rod.

Said he's taking her to Poundtown?

If she says it's nice,

I might take myself to Poundtown.

Oh! Excuse me...

That is unexpected reveal.

You bought him his own seat?

Yeah. He gets real whiny

when I try putting him under the plane.

Yeah, still better

than sitting next to chatty Canadian.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

I think you might have taken my seat.

Nope. Don't think so.

Okay, well, th-that is my seat,

because that's my NPR tote
bag, and that's my-my book.

- Oh, this book?
- Yes. It's-it's actually

a gripping tome on some
of the nicer points...

Oh, my God!

Wow. Well, now you have a problem with me

and with the Pasadena Public Library.

But no matter. I will find another seat.

Hmm.

So sorry to keep you
waiting. I'm all yours now.

Well, I hope you brought your passport,

because our date begins
by you getting whisked away

to Argentina circa 2012.

Now, you can't bring in
a whole bottle of Malbec,

but you can smuggle it
in three ounces at a time.

Ronnie, we have a problem.

Oh, I'm in Argentina right now, Colin.

Oh, look, it's the restaurant guy

from the restaurant.

What's all this, then?

Just a little makeshift plane date.

'Cause who doesn't love a shampoo-y finish

under a buttery Chard?

Is there a problem, Colin?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Um, that guy over there took my seat.

Okay, well, just find another one.

Well, that's the problem.

There aren't any.

Oh, God.

Don't tell me we're...

- Overbooked?
- By four people.

I talked to the gate
agents, who blamed ticketing.

Then I talked to ticketing,
who blamed the Web site.

Then I talked to the Web
guys, who hacked my Twitter.

I blame the gate agents.

They love calling names
off the standby list

and watching the world burn.

It's ironic, isn't it?

The plane is overbooked,

yet the seat in my heart remains vacant.

Don't tell the gate agents

because they'll stuff two people in there.

Well, I guess we have
to deal with this now.

All right, everyone.

Like a '90s rap video,

this plane's got too many butts.

So four lucky people

willing to take a later flight

will receive $100.

Ooh!

Okay, two hundred...

and fifty...

five dollars.

Come on, guys.

The average round-trip ticket
on Jackpot costs, like, $12.

With that money, you
could buy yourself, like...

How many flights will that buy?

If I could do that math, do
you think I'd have this job?

We're holding out for big money.

Big money? This is Jackpot.

They buy refurbished
seats from plane crashes.

This is all we're authorized to give.

Please, someone take this deal,

because it only gets worse from here.

All right. I'm sorry,
everyone, but Jackpot protocol

says until four of you take the offer,

there's no food, no drinks

and no bathrooms.

Now you understand why I oohed

when she offered the money.

- Hey, I'll give you five bucks for the...
- Ew, no.

No, for the water.

I'm dying here, and they
won't give us anything.

- I'll sell it to you for $20.
- Deal.

Just wondering, what
made you say, "Ew, no,"

and, uh, how much for that?

Uh-uh.

Okay, I'm ready for more date.

Don't you have to focus on getting

four people off this plane?

Nah, someone's gonna crack.

In the meantime, we've had shampoo.

- What's for conditioner?
- Well,

I'm glad you asked.

Is that supposed to be sushi?

May I present to you
freshly caught Swedish Fish

on Rice Krispy Treats.

I call it the Hudson News Roll.

I know how much you like crap.

I love crap.

Ronnie, report to the cockpit.

Aw, crap. I'll be right back.

Hey, Dave, we are totally on
top of this overbooked thing.

I'm sure people are
gonna start dropping soon.

I'm actually not sure why they haven't yet.

Cheez-Its are $10. Waters are $20.

I do not make change.

I don't care about that.
I called you in to talk

about how love is the worst

and to rip up photos of our exes.

I don't actually have any photos
of Gwen, so I had to improvise.

I'm sorry, Dave.

But I'm actually feeling pretty
hopeful about love right now.

You're abandoning me, too?

Traitor. This is you now.

Sorry, Alan.

I know how hard you worked on that.

Listen to me, Caroline, this
is the gate agents' fault.

You're the gate agent.

It's your fault, Caroline.

Then come in here and talk to me.

Well, I'm not coming out there.

Fine.

We'll meet in Switzerland.

I don't know what's taking
you sky waiters so long,

but we need this gate.

Believe it or not, other
flights need to take off, too.

The world doesn't revolve
around you and your little plane.

We would've been long gone if
you hadn't kept tossing bodies

in here like it was a Malaysian rickshaw.

Well, when corporate calls to ask

why their entire schedule's delayed,

I'll be telling them it's
because you couldn't handle

your business, Bernard.

You keep my name out of
your ramen-breath mouth.

It's not ramen.

It's pho.

Ronnie, two things.

Caroline has a surprisingly
international palate.

she's gonna pin this all
on us if we don't take off soon.

Why won't any of these people leave?

I don't know. I mean, who
cares this much about a fight?

If you offered me 250
bucks to get off this plane,

I'd be knee-deep in Red Lobster

- Cheddar Bay Biscuits by now.
- We need to do something.

We already have Jackpot's second
worst on-time departure rating.

Any worse and we lose to Tampa.

Tampa, Ronnie!

Well, what are we supposed to do?

We already took away everything.

Not everything.

Let's see how long they last without AC.

Sir, since we're overbooked,

would you mind stowing your
wooden boy to free up a seat?

Hey, I paid for this
seat. I'm sittin' in it.

Hey, can we talk like humans?

I mean, he should move.
He's not even real man.

Neither are you, and you're not getting up.

That is so immature.

You're using dummy to be mean to me?

"Dummy"? This dummy's got
three sold-out shows at the Rio

this weekend, you trash-humper.

Hey, what did you just call me?

Nothing.

Trash-humper.

That's slander!

I don't do that with trash!

Oh, no? Then what are you
doing with that can of Pringles?

Oh, I'm using this as my wallet.

I don't know what you're up
to, but your vibe is all wrong.

I'm trying to get four
people off this plane.

Are you with us or against us?

I don't know what you mean, Bernard.

I'm just a clueless stripper.

Uh-huh.

One eyebrow is already raised.

Don't make me raise the other.

- Do you mind, bro?
- Oh! Excuse me.

Um, I don't know where you
expect me to stand though.

It's a packed plane, and
this gentleman took my seat.

Aye, well, he's a Kang fan.
They don't respect anything.

Hey, you talking about us?

Yeah, maybe I am. What
are you gonna do about it?

Okay, let's calm down!

Hey.

Hey!

I was just about to sneak you a water.

I swear, not all dates with me

will end in an epic struggle for survival.

But no promises if we
move into a relationship.

Ronnie, this is crazy. I should go.

I mean, I am the only person on this flight

that doesn't actually need
to be in Vegas, and you seem

- so stressed.
- Don't you dare.

You are the one person I
actually want on this plane.

Ronnie, new problem.

I mean, there was a problem,
but I solved it, so it's fine.

Yeah, the-the two groups of
angry shoulders in the cabin

were getting ready to
fight, but I averted disaster

by pointing out we should
all be supporting the troops.

- It's the ultimate sacrifice.
- They're protecting our freedom.

So they're fine, for now,

although I would keep an eye on them.

As my father once said,
a watched pot never boils.

That's right. My father was the homemaker.

Well, now I have a fight to worry about.

Great, that's just one more thing...

I'll be right back.

When those guys almost
fought, what set them off?

Well, it was a number of factors.

Uh, cultural differences,

performative masculinity,

me. It was... it was me.

Great! Go do that again.

What-what do you mean?

You sweet, devious genius.

If they fight, we have a
reason to kick them off.

Hold on, how am I supposed
to make them that angry?

Just tell them one of those things you say,

like "A-a touchscreen will never
replace the feel of a book."

So you just want to hear a
bunch of men loudly agree?

Go!

I hear you're carrying.

That depends.

Am I talking to Dave or Captain Dave?

I'm just a guy whose
feelings got out of the pen,

and now I'm looking for
some chocolate cowboys

- to round 'em up.
- I've got what you need.

Not here.

I know a place.

Hey, Nichole!

Can you please help me? I'm very thirsty.

I'm sorry, Artem.

Business is booming. I'm all out.

Hey, buddy, you want a sip of this?

Oh, thank you. That's very generous of you.

Oops.

How can you be so cruel?

I'm just a simple man
trying to get to Vegas

so that I may spread the
ashes of my beloved father

in the canals of the Venetian.

Was your dad a trash-humper, too?

Who was your mom, a wadded-up napkin?

Ronnie!

So, I don't want to cause any trouble, uh,

but I believe I heard
some of the Irish fans,

uh, insulting your-your Samoan heritage...

...insulting your Irish heritage...

...and referred to Samoa
as Earth's third nipple.

They also said that Liam Neeson
is aging into an old woman.

...saying that Samoa is barely a Guam.

And they said your music sounds like

a "busted-ass ringtone."

And they said the most common blood type

for a Samoan is chocolate milkshake.

Come on. Seriously, Artem?

You're fighting with a puppet?

Well, he started it.

Miss, I'm as surprised as you are.

I politely explained that my dummy

is too valuable to be stowed.

He just started yelling and sweating at me.

That is untrue! And, yes, I know

I'm doing both things right now,

which doesn't help my case, I know.

Look, I know everyone's going

a little crazy right now, but don't worry.

We're gonna be getting people
off this plane any minute.

I hear you're talking smack, Lucky Charms.

I'm just saying that you
and your wee buddies here

should stop ruining this for
everyone and get off the plane.

I'll send you off this plane in a body bag.

- At least I fit in a body bad.
- You're dead meat.

Hey, stop! Hey, come on, guys. Back off.

I-I don't think you understand
what we're trying to do here.

Look, the whole point of watching MMA,

is to get your aggression out
in a healthy, non-violent way.

Now, for me, that's hate-whisking

a stiff-peaked meringue.

For you guys, that's
watching Kang-McKnickerson.

Now, those guys fight so you don't have to.

That...

actually makes sense.

Okay. We'll let Kang and McKnickerson

settle this for us then, will we?

What just happened?

Ronald, this is not resolved!

Ah, what's wrong? Miss
your mommy, trash-humper?

What did you just do?

Uh, saved the day.

Those guys were about to kill each other.

Yes. That's what we want.

If they fight, we can kick them off.

If we kick them off, we can leave.

Well, if I knew that was the plan,

I still would have stopped it,
because that's a terrible plan.

Physical violence was our
best chance out of here.

Now no one's gonna fight.

For the last time, I'm
tired of your insults!

What the...?

- What are you doing?
- You little... you little...

Oh. I do have a fetish.

Careful I bruise like a peach.

Yeah.

Well, that's three off.

We just need one more person. Any ideas?

- I'll do it.
- Not you, Alan.

Oh. The...

Hey. Hey. So, uh,

obviously, this didn't really

turn out the way I planned.

Uh, the whole "date on a plane" thing

was obviously a bad idea.

- I think I'm gonna go.
- No.

No, Bryan, don't.

I'm-I'm so sorry about before.

Ah, look, y-you're stressed.
It's-it's cool, I get it.

I just, I think it's better
for everybody if I leave.

We'll figure out something else.

I-I'll call you.

Bye.

Is there any chance he meant that?

Oh, sweetie. I think you
know my sarcastic reply.

Good news. We got four
people off the plane.

Well, three people and
one pre-wish Pinocchio.

- But we can take off.
- Great.

Now I have to talk to ATC and remember

that Gwen's not there
because she's with Rod.

Why him?

I've been saving up my miles.

I could have taken her to Poundtown.

Oh, Dave. Okay, look.

When it comes to love, there
are two types of people:

Kangs and McKnickersons.

Kangs play defense,
protecting their hearts,

throwing out the occasional jabs.

But McKnickersons leave themselves open

to taking those bigger swings.

What are you saying? Put
money on Kang in the third?

No. I'm saying you're a McKnickerson.

You're always throwing emotional haymakers,

which leaves you open

to some pretty painful gut
punches, but that's okay.

Because when you connect,
you're gonna connect big.

You're gonna find love.

You're too good of a guy not to.

You know, I've been
piloting planes for so long,

sometimes I forget how
to pilot my own life.

Okay, but don't say stuff like that,

because it makes me feel
like I'm wasting my time.

Hmm.

Well, Dave, I'm back with you.

Love is the worst.

Bryan did everything
he could to make it work

and I still screwed it up.

Maybe it's not the job, maybe it's us.

Hmm. Might be us, but it's not me.

Sorry, Ronnie. The bitter
Captain Dave caterpillar

has emerged from his grief
cocoon as a hopeful butterfly

looking for a sexy flower to pollinate.

Bees pollinate, stupid.

Butterflies do it, too.

- They're just less efficient.
- You're a traitor.

Alan, do you have any
Dave drawings in that pile?

Um...

Is this a nude?

I didn't pose for that.

You didn't not pose for it.

Where did everyone go?

You'll never believe this.

The fight's off.

Kang missed the weigh-in.

He was on the Jackpot flight out of Tampa.

They never even left the gate.

We're not the worst.

Bye, guys. I'll see you next week.

Wait. You're out, too?

Don't you have to work this weekend?

Not anymore. I made a fortune today.

Which reminds me,

this is for your troubles.

Bye.

We're all gonna be working
for her one day, aren't we?

I know this sounds crazy,

but, um, that's actually my seat.

- Ugh.
- Flight 334...

Remind me never to run
out of ink in front of you.

Do you fancy a-a drink and a talk?

I don't know if I want to talk,
but I definitely want a drink.

Okay, perfect. Well, how about this:

you finish whatever you're doing here,

and I'll meet you at the bar.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Okay.

Excuse me, miss, is this
what you're looking for?

Bryan.

Hi. Uh, wh-what are you doing here?

We said we'd figure out
things later, and I figured out

that if I bought a ticket on Southwest,

they'd get me here in half
the time as it takes Jackpot.

Yes, but do they also lose your bags?

I thought that if we can't make a date work

out in the world, or on a plane,

the least I could do is take
you to dinner in Terminal Three?

- You still need this?
- No.

Great.

God, the airport has so many good options.

I know.

Love is the worst.

I know, buddy.

Rip these up, it might help.

Who am I tearing up?

I don't know. Alan sucks at art.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, hey, there, eh.

This is my first time to Vegas.

Do you want to know the rules about hockey?

What's your name, eh? You got to speak up.

I blew an eardrum out at a
Rush show a few years back,

and then I took a puck to the other ear.

Oh, bit of a shy guy, huh?

That's all right. I'll do all the talking.

I got a lot to talk aboot.

You ever have poutine? I don't like it.

But I eat it.

Ronnie!