All language subtitles for Im.Dying.Up.Here.S01E10.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[Bill] Previously
on I'm Dying Up Here...

A well-fitted shoulder
lies flat!

- That motherfucker.
- That's your joke.

I want you to write
more stuff for me.

This club is the only runway
to Carson.

One thing's a little clearer--
I'm not funny anymore.

Whatever, nigga.

You don't ever
get to call me that.

- [Goldie] What are you?
- Excuse me?

I have no idea
what the fuck you are.

You're gonna be on TV.
That's huge, man.

You could be headlining
at King Theodore's.

[Ron]
You were in the trades?

"Girls Are Funny Too"
was announced.

[Goldie]
Cut the stand-up?

Stand-up is what
this show is about.

You're fired, Goldie.

♪ Edwin Starr's "War" ♪

♪ War, huh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ What is it good for? ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ War, huh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ What is it good for? ♪

Edgar, ten bucks. You're gonna
jump ship for ten bucks?

Gabe is going up
six nights a week.

That's 60 bucks, cash.

- [Sully] That's Gabe.
- [Bill] Gabe's a hack.

[Edgar] Yeah, plus,
Mitch is showing up now.

Something else about Teddy's--

that motherfucker
Barton Royce is over there.

Man is no good.

[Edgar] If enough of us go up,
what's she gonna do?

She's got to let us play
both clubs eventually.

[Sully]
And--and--and she has to pay.

[Nick] A few defections,
and you think

suddenly Goldie's just gonna
drop to her knees?

Comics from all over
the country come here

to Los Angeles
to go up at Goldie's.

- Every day.
- I hate to burst your bubble,

but we're just funny widgets.

[Edgar]
Fuck the money.

Mitch at King Theodore's
is a game changer.

It's not a monopoly
anymore.

Yeah, but nobody
from Teddy's

has been picked
to go up on Carson.

- [Sully] And it only takes one!
- [sniffs]

[Bill] And you're not
the one, Sully.

- [laughter]
- [sniffs]

Truth be told,
it's not like

anybody from Goldie's has been
on Carson in a while neither.

♪♪

[women imitating sheep bleating]

[Cassie gasps] Oh.

There you are.

How many times have I told
you girls about curfew?

[Cassie]
This is Hollywood.

[sighs]
There are wolves everywhere.

Oh, God.

- [Marty] What the hell?
- Don't let me stop you.

- Aw, come on.
- Marty, Marty.

- [man] Cut.
- This is not the time or place.

Marty, let me,
will you, please?

[Marty] No, we shoot
in less than a week.

Really? You want to burn
the television bridge?

This is suicide,
and you know it.

Beats a lynching.
Get out of my way, Eli.

My God, this is worse
than I thought.

How ridiculous
do you feel, huh?

Honestly, have--
have they even told you?

I have been fired.
Hmm?

They said
you were consulting.

Oh, was that the word
these cowards used?

No, fired.
They got rid of me

so that they could
manipulate you

without anybody here
to protect you.

Goldie, that's exactly
why we fired you,

so that we could manipulate
these girls

into the opportunity
of a lifetime.

I was tossing and turning
all night long.

I woke up this morning,
and I realized

my best female comics that--

Do they even let you do
any stand-up, Elayne?

One line of stand-up?
Nothing? Anywhere?

[chuckles]

How does this prove
we are as funny as men?

All this proves is
we are the fucking sheep

they think we are.

This is the opportunity
of a lifetime

he's talking about.

Come on, girls,
we'll come back to Goldie's.

We'll do
some real fucking humor.

Come on!

[Marty]
Stay right there!

Goldie, we've got a contract.
We will sue your ass!

So sue me. You got my lawyer
standing right--

- [Eli] Oh, jeez.
- [woman] Is she okay?

- Get the fuck away from me.
- Fuck this. God--

- Goldie, are you okay?
- [Goldie] God--

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Come on, girls.
Come on, let's go.

[Goldie]
God damn it.

[man]
Take 15, everybody.

[Marty]
Where's that tall one?

Where's the tall one?
You. You should be up there.

[Goldie] Fucking morons.
That's what you get for working

with people don't know
what the fuck they're doing.

For Christ's sake.

[sighs]
Jesus.

They have no idea
what we're trying to do.

Isn't this what we're
trying to do?

You, Carson, isn't it all
so we can get to this?

If by "this," you mean
this idiotic outfit

and doing so-called comedy
you don't believe in.

Goldie, they're giving me
more money

than I've ever seen
in my entire life

while putting me
in front of millions of people.

You brought me here,
you changed my act,

and you told me
that this was my ticket.

Now you got fired,
and...

I'm supposed
to follow you again?

Where?

Where are you going?

Well, there's one way
to find out.

Hmm?

♪ somber music ♪

[scoffs]

♪♪

[man]
That looks great.

So, a friend of mine
from back east

recently graduated
from, uh, barber college.

Barber college.

[laughter]

Now, isn't that
just a little pretentious?

I mean, even doctors
only go to med school,

but somehow a one-year course
on how to cut hair

requires the word "college"
after it, right?

- [laughs]
- Like, the degree of difficulty

between a shag haircut
and open heart surgery

is just that much more.

- I know, the only thing
the two have in common

are high instances
of malpractice.

Ha ha! Shim sham!

All right, everybody,
this is Kenny in the AM,

and we're gonna be right back
with comedian Gabe Schwartz.

Now, listen up.
He's gonna be performing

all week long
at King Theodore's,

so check him out.

But first, a little help
with your morning commute

from The Pretenders--
"A Broken Heart"...

Wah, wah!
"Cries."

Funny bit,
that barber thing.

[both] Oh, thank you.

♪ Songs about the changing
of the world ♪

What?

It's a secret?

I'm sitting here
with a pad and a pencil.

♪ Baby, it's growing ♪

♪ Just where it starts ♪

Okay, Maestro.

Eva Gabor's
getting divorced.

I need three jokes
by traffic and weather.

♪ For me ♪

♪ No songs for me now, baby ♪

♪ Telling how ♪

♪ A broken heart just cries ♪

♪ Telling how my broken heart
just cries ♪

♪ serious music ♪

♪♪

Hey.

♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ Climbed up the water spout ♪

♪ Down came the rain ♪

♪ And washed the spider out ♪

♪ Out came the sun ♪

♪ And dried up all the rain ♪

And the itsy-bitsy spider...

Climbed up the spout again!

[sighs]

[laughter]

It's a little light.

Few more defections.

[scoffs]

Fuck.

Promote, uh, Abel...

Howe, or Lindsey
up from the Cellar.

They're--they're--
they're ready. [sniffs]

Abel and Lindsey are, uh...
working Teddy's.

They still want to go up here,
but we all know your policy

on working clubs
in the same zip code.

I could bring up Adam.
He's doing...all right.

I am not rushing him
to fix a leak in the lineup.

Ungrateful bastards.

[chuckling] They're willing
to blow off Johnny Carson

for ten bucks a set.

- Yeah.
- Ten bucks.

[sighs]

Uh, I guess...

a lot of 'em don't see it
that way.

Exactly how do they see it?

That you haven't had a guy
on Carson since Clay.

And that maybe now
there are other ways

to, you know, get there.

What do you mean, Mitch?

[laughs] Trust me, he's just
window dressing over there.

Shut the door behind you.

[applause and wild laughter]

I've been working on my look,
because in Hollywood,

we all know
that's what's most important.

So I think we can all agree
that my look is

synonymous with one thing.

Say it with me--bad boy.

- [laughter]
- Yeah, this collection

is actually my, uh,
"don't mess with me" sweater.

Full house, my man,
just like I promised.

- I've had 'em before.

- Oh, by the way,

all the electricals are
up to fire code--

passed with flying colors.

You fixed the wiring?

No.

Good work, Barton.

[both laughing]

[doorbell rings]

[Billie Holiday's
"God Bless the Child" playing]

♪ Mama may have ♪

Bar's open.
Pour you one?

Thanks, I know
my way around.

♪ But God bless the child
that's got his own ♪

♪♪

♪ That's got his own-- ♪

Cheery.

She had 70 cents
in her bank account

when she died.

Screwed at every turn.

Ah, the fuckers.

[sniffs]

- Goldie.
- Eh?

Word's out about you and
"Girls Are Funny Too."

Yeah?
And what's that word?

Well, that's why I'm here.

You tell me what to say,

and that's what you'll read
in tomorrow's Reporter.

CBS is saying
"creative differences."

[sighs, chuckles]

There's nothing
about creativity.

It's all about commerce
and compromise.

They should all be taken out
and shot like gutter rats.

Okay.

Now...

why don't you tell me...

what you want me
to print?

[sighs]

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪

They ruined it.

They took
an original idea

and covered it
in bright lights

and sucked all the originality
out of it.

Karen Cozwell--
she's funnier than shit.

She didn't make the cut

because she wasn't
pretty enough.

It's--
[scoffs]

They chose style
over substance,

looks over funny,

and crushed it

from a fucking belly laugh

into a sideways grin.

If the people in charge
of television

were in charge
of medicine,

we'd all be dead
from fucking syphilis.

Now that we've got that
out of our system...

Friend to friend,

what do you want me
to print?

Friend to friend?

Every fucking word.

"Hired only as a pretty face"?

That's all
Goldie thinks I am?

And...we're back.

Today I have
a special guest.

You've seen him
at Goldie's on the Strip.

He's a very, very funny man,
Mr. Bill Hobbs!

Oh, it's great
to be here, Kenny,

at the ungodly hour
of seven in the morning.

[laughs]
I've been here since 4:30,

so shut up!

Now, Bill,
last time I saw you

I was in a fetal position
while you kicked me.

Yeah, and I was
punching you

in that big, doughy face
of yours.

Ha ha ha!
Been kicking and punching

anybody interesting
lately, huh?

Anybody we've heard of?

No, not lately.

All my exercise has come
from being a pallbearer, Kenny.

Sadly, my father passed away
recently--heart attack.

I'm--I'm sorry to hear that,
Bill.

Ah, thanks,
I appreciate that,

but I got to tell you, being
a pallbearer is a great workout.

You know, people thought
that I was crying,

but I was actually sweating
profusely.

And just so people know
the difference,

you don't usually grunt
when you cry.

I didn't really get cremation,
Kenny, until I had to haul

my father's body
up a hill to his plot.

I did lose my dad, but, uh,
I also lost five pounds.

Ho ho.
I'm sorry to hear that.

But you know what?
Great note for me.

My dad's a solid 365.

I'm gonna keep that
in mind.

Listen, we're gonna be back
with the master of dark,

comedian Bill Hobbs,
right after sports and weather.

Hey, Billy,
what do you say

we take a few calls
when we come back?

I say let's do it,
preferably obscene.

- Obscene it is,
on Kenny in the AM.

All right,
I got to take a leak.

Hey, grab us
a couple coffees.

Me? Coffees?

You're a waiter.
Is it that big of a stretch?

Milk, two sugars.

[Kenny] Fuck.

[door closes]

[groans]

[note pad thuds]

[clears throat]
Coffee?

I'm good.

Cool.

Bill?

Sorry about your dad.

Thanks, man.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[indistinct chatter]

[Nick clears throat]
Thanks for coming.

Mm. Never too proud
for sloppy seconds.

[inhales sharply]
So, seriously...

you and super agent Brenner?

Let's just say it was a...
mutual parting of the ways.

[chuckles]
"Mutual"?

- Yeah.
- Mm.

[laughs]

Nick, this town's only big
in square miles.

In reputations,
it's slightly fucking smaller

than a postage stamp, man.

Why the fuck ask?

- You know why I'm here Nick?
- [clears throat]

Huh? Fear and desperation.

Yeah. Comic's cocktail
of choice, man, seriously.

Every day you know that
you grow less special,

and I fucking love that.

I love that, because I can sell
that guy, huh?

'Cause that guy?
That guy'll fucking listen.

That guy'll do
whatever the fuck it takes

to stay in the game, man.

So let's face it...

where else he got to go?

Right?

[crunching ice]

It's why we're here.

Good. Well, let me see
what I can dig up.

Oh, in the meantime,

lose the badass
bullshit, okay?

[inhales sharply]
Seriously...

it's a fucking buyer's market
out there, Nick.

I'll call you.

[Goldie] Next Monday?

I tell you I need
30 pounds of frozen drumsticks

by the weekend, and you are
telling me next fucking Monday?

Oh, fuck.

[Goldie]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, bullshit!

Are you listening, Peter?

Does anybody
in this fucking town listen?

Peter, I am all alone here,
all right? Alone.

Everything falls
on my fucking shoulders.

So, if you want to help,
here's what I need--

reciprocity,

a fucking sliver
of the loyalty

that I have shown you
over the fucking years!

Not in word, in deed.

You get me
those goddamn drumsticks!

[receiver slams]

[laughter]

Hey, listen,
it's nothing wrong

with still being a virgin
after 20, all right?

[laughter]

But I do love living
in L.A., though.

I do.
Don't get me wrong, okay?

It's beautiful.
The weather's perfect,

the women are--mmm, yes.

[crowd cheering]

And--and all the tourists
are thoroughly convinced

that I'm that one black guy
from that thing.

I'm--I'm serious.
In here, I'm just Adam Proteau.

But out on Hollywood Boulevard,
oh, I'm Sidney Poitier.

[laughter]

[Adam]
I'm Ben Vereen,

Richard Roundtree,

Harry Belafonte.

The one I don't understand
though is--is Lena Horne.

- I don't--
- [laughter]

Wait. Do y'all see it?

[cheers and applause]

What if I--

[cheers and applause continue]

[Adam] He's like,
"I see it! I see it!"

[laughter]

Now, my stepdad's name
was Parnell.

Now, it ain't a man alive named
Parnell that's not an asshole.

[laughter]

[Adam]
Even the white ones are bad.

Get the fuck offstage.

That's right, Parnell
used to be in a bad mood

about every fucking thing,
even Christmas.

How the fuck are you mad
at Christmas?

Oh, so what you're telling me
is Baby Jesus got frankincense,

myrrh, and gold for His birthday
when He was born?

Shit, all I got was a smack
on my black ass when I was born.

[laughter and applause]

[Adam] Didn't even give me
a birth certificate.

All I got was titty milk
and a name tag.

[laughter]

And my name was
spelled wrong.

Who the fuck is Darnell?

But it wasn't
just Christmas.

It wasn't just Christmas
and Santa Claus, all right?

It was also the Tooth Fairy.

Now, all of my friends would get
coins from the Tooth Fairy

when they put a tooth
under they pillow.

I put a tooth under my pillow,
I ain't get shit.

Seriously, and I would try
to complain...

complain to Parnell--
"Hey, the Tooth Fairy

didn't leave me shit
under my pillow."

His response was, "Look,
the Tooth Fairy gave you

a roof over you head
and three square meals."

[unamplified] If you don't want
to lose another one,

you gonna get--

[cheers and applause]

And that's just how it goes.

Matter of fact, Parnell,
ladies and gentlemen.

Adam Proteau!

This bitch right here--

- [cheers and applause]
- Adam Proteau. Ha ha.

Fucking dickhead.

[cheers and applause]

Friends, Romans,
lady right there--

you with them big-ass titties,
lend me your ears!

Hey! Adam, what the fuck
do you think you're doing?

I'm putting it to a vote.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, your time is up,
get the fuck down from there.

- Is it, Ralph?
- It's over.

[crowd booing]

So let's take it to a vote!
This is America, right?

- [cheers and applause]
- Yeah. Okay.

Now, should I continue?

[loud cheers and applause]

Or--or--or--
this is a democracy--

should we give Ralph back
his stage?

[crowd booing]

- [Arnie] Ralph, calm down.
- Where the fuck have you been?

You see what's happening
in here right now?

I ain't never seen nobody
pull some fucking bullshit

like this motherfucker
just pulled.

Ralph, shut
the fuck up, okay? Shush!

- Make me shut the fuck up.
- You mad?

- Why--why would I stop?
- Come on.

They was loving me in there.
Why would you stop that?

It don't give you the right
to run the fucking light.

What do you mean
run the light?

You know how many comics
I done seen run the light?

- Those motherfuckers earned it.
- Not five minutes.

- Not ten minutes.
- They earned it.

- Not--they didn't earn shit!
- They earned it!

I don't understand.
Whatever, dog.

You sound like a fucking
broken-ass record.

You need to listen
to this broken-ass record!

Fuck your broken-ass record.
How about--

Earn some shit, motherfucker.
How about that?

How about you just tell us
what's really pissing you off?

Oh, tell us, then.

Tell us what's
pissing you off.

- Tell us, motherfucker.
- You mad 'cause I'm passing

your old ass,
and it's really pissing you off

'cause all that's over my head
is blue skies.

Only thing you got over yours
is this fucking ceiling.

- Motherfucker, I'll--
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

No! No! No!

You're fucking both
pissing me off!

No fighting
in the Cellar stairwell!

You're fucking banned
for a week!

Fuck you, Arnie!
You ain't Goldie!

I am tonight!

Look, I know you got to have
your King Kong moment up there.

- My what?
- What the fuck, Arnie?

Choose your motherfucking words
more carefully, man.

Listen, I think we all know

that I mean
when he climbed the balcony,

it was kind of like
King Kong climbing

the Empire State building, okay?
It's a good fucking analogy.

Shut up. Shut--
Arnie, shut the fuck up.

Shut up, shut up!

Okay, Goldie gave me
extra time in the Cellar.

Yeah, 30 minutes, not 40.

How about we go talk to her
about it, then, huh?

She doesn't want to talk
to you, man.

You may think you're
the center of the universe,

but you're sorely mistaken.

You know what?
Fuck both of y'all.

Take your punishment
like a man, pussy.

I'm taking my punishment...

right the fuck
out of this place.

"The doorbell rings.
Angie goes to answer it.

When she does, Benny enters with
a letter and hands it to her.

He's still nervous,

but nothing like he was
on his first day."

"I thought you might be
waiting for this,

so I wanted to hand-deliver it
to you personally,

because I am all about taking
care of the people on my route."

"Mm-hmm.

You've got to use the bathroom
again, don't you, Benny?"

"What? No--

What gave it away?"

[laughter]

"Your hand-delivered letter,

it's a circular
from Lamps, Lamps, Lamps."

[laughter]

"Yeah, but they're 20 percent
off, and if I'm being honest,

a little more light in here
wouldn't hurt."

[laughter]

"Benny, is this gonna be
a regular thing?

You've been on this route
a week,

and you've already used
our bathroom four times."

"It's not my fault.
It's Mrs. Wilmore.

She keeps giving me food to-go,
and trust me,

when she says it's to-go,
she ain't kidding."

[laughter]

"And as Benny hurries
toward the bathroom,

he suddenly pauses."

"Can I borrow
that Reader's Digest

I delivered yesterday?

There's a article in there
I really want to finish."

[laughter]

[laughter]

[blues music playing]

[laughter and chatter]

♪♪

Mm-hmm.

Look, Barton, I want
my name on the marquee.

Forty-five minutes at 9:30,

75 bucks a set,
and four nights a week,

guaranteed.

Well, well...

Your eyes are
so wide open now,

you're gonna need
sunglasses, baby.

[laughs]

Oh, you're just in time.

I need you to take this
to the house.

Listen, before you hear it
from somebody else,

I want you to know
that I was acting

on behalf of what I thought
was best for the club.

What the fuck did you do?

Adam--

he kind of...
left last night.

What do you mean left?

He and Ralph had a big argument.
He went over his time.

He climbed up on the balcony
like King--Arthur,

so I suspended him
for a week.

You what?

Look, you asked me to step up,
to take charge.

I asked you to set
the fucking list,

not start a coup.

Where'd he go?

When he left,

where did he go?

If marquees are
any indicator...

Teddy's.

Get out.

Okay.

For good.

You are fired, Arnie.

♪ dramatic music ♪

So should I take
the money out?

Fired, Arnie, fired!

Like you don't
work here anymore.

Done, gone, out!

♪♪

[groans]

Just do your fucking job.

Got it.

[door opens, closes]

♪♪

♪ Chicago's "Make Me Smile" ♪

♪ Children play... ♪

- [Eddie] No?
- [Maggie] No, I don't.

It makes me think of Arnie's
stupid Chinese joke.

You guys aren't gonna believe
what just happened.

Mm. You saw that Pointer Sister
with the braces again?

Better. I was at dinner
with my agent, Stacy,

and, um...
they want me back.

- The show?
- Yep.

For how long.

I-I don't know. Stacy said
at least five or six episodes.

- What? Five or six episodes?
- Wow.

- Yes.
- That's--

that's almost
the entire thing.

- I know!
- [laughs] Amazing.

- [coughs]
- I told you.

- You did.
- Mm-hmm.

You were right.

- Pull my hair.
- Mm-hmm.

- [Maggie and Ron] Mm-hmm.
- That's great.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'll pull your hair.
- Mm-hmm.

- You like that?
- Yeah.

- When I pull your hair?
- Mm-hmm.

♪♪

I'm taking four...

Oh, no, take two.
Why not?

Congratulations.

♪♪

[strumming guitar]

♪♪

Hello?

[Teddy laughs] Oh!

I thought somebody turned
the air-conditioning on.

[Teddy laughs, sighs]

Drink?

[scoffs]

I get it, Teddy.

You want to be
on everybody's radar,

but now you are
on my radar,

and that is not a fucking place
you want to be.

I moved to L.A.
because everyone told me,

"Hey, it's laid-back."

I didn't start this.

You did, with your
fancy fucking partner.

But you turned it
into a turf war, Goldie.

- Mm-mm-mm.
- Oh, yes, you fucking did.

Yeah.
And you're right.

Yeah, I'm stuck with that
asshole on one side of me

and you, another fucking
asshole, on the other side,

and here I am.

So, if you're not
gonna be sociable

and have a drink with me,

you can get the fuck
out of my club.

[chuckles]
Your club.

Now, that's
a funny fucking joke.

Goddamn right it's my club.

There's my name in neon.

You stay down here
at the shit end of the Strip

and keep that pimp
the fuck away from my kids.

- Or what?
- Oh, not what. When.

You should be
a little more careful

who you get
into bed with, Ted.

♪ ominous music ♪

♪♪

[Miles] Hey, FYI...

[sniffs]
I took a little peek.

It's number three
all the way.

- [scoffs]
- Seriously.

Honestly, I have been
on hundreds of dates.

I have never asked
a woman once,

"If you could be
any kind of pie,

what kind of pie
would you be?"

[sighs] Nick, I know
this isn't what you had in mind.

- Yeah.
- Huh?

We are rebuilding
a bridge here,

not just between you
and potential suitors,

but between you and me.

Dating Game is
a decent gig, man.

A lot of young comics
and actors want this.

Fucking Marcia Brady was on
last week.

Yeah.
It's all about exposure.

Seriously.

Huh?

- Yeah.
- All right.

So number three, huh?

She'd be a nine if it wasn't
for the slight acne scarring.

You're gonna kill it.

[Marty] You see how
the whole thing is red?

I love that.
I want--I want that red.

I love those costumes.

I want a lot of that
in the posters.

Anyway, you get this light,
and I want them shot from below.

I want to--I want
to look up at them.

Excuse me, Marty.

Cass, look at you!

You look great, honey.

Oh, well, wait till you see me
once I find my pants.

[both laughing]

Guys, would you excuse us
for a second?

Thank you.

What's up, Cass?
What can I do for you?

Oh, Marty.
[chuckles]

They've added
another sketch.

Yeah, the trucker sketch.
I know, it's hilarious.

What about it?

Well, that's
eight sketches now

at five minutes apiece,
so that's 40 minutes.

Add in commercials
and that leaves

about five minutes
for stand-up.

That's one minute per girl,
and we were told

we were each gonna get
about five minutes.

Okay.

- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Okay. [chuckles]

You're gonna smile pretty
into the camera,

you're gonna read
your lines,

and I'll take care
of the math, okay?

So, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna let go of your hand

and go do my job.

I suggest you do the same.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- [Marty] Hey, the call went up.
- Piece of shit.

["The Dating Game Theme"
playing]

[applause]

Bachelorette number three,

if you could be any kind of pie,
what kind of pie would that be?

Um...

probably strawberry rhubarb.

[laughter]

Bachelorette number two,

if we were
on a deserted island...

[laughter fades]

Sorry, you know,
I'm gonna go back

to bachelorette
number three.

Number three,
why a strawberry rhubarb pie?

Well, because I'm
a little bit sweet

and a little bit sour.

- [laughter]
- Okay.

I don't know why
that's funny, but--

Hold on.

No, you motherfucker.

Bachelorette number three,
uh, another question for you.

- How do you feel about drugs?
- [man] Cut!

- I'm sorry?
- [crowd murmurs]

Drugs, you know,
heroin, pot, LSD,

- that sort of thing?
- [man] Stop recording.

We are going to Acapulco
after all,

and, yes, while sunsets and
walks on the beach are nice...

- [man] Just play the music.
- Oh, after we ditch

that chaperone, I wouldn't mind
kicking it up a notch.

You know what I mean?

Find a hotel by la hora,
see if we--

[man] Let's go.
We need security.

- [man] Grab him. Grab him.
- I'm going. I'm going.

[man] All right, let's go.

[theme music playing]

- Three.
- Seriously? Huh?

Good night, John-Boy.
You fucking schmuck!

Sometimes
I'm a little bit sweet.

Sometimes I'm a little sour.

You don't think you're
overblowing this a bit?

It's gonna take more than that
to take you down.

You're an institution.

Yeah. Used to be you couldn't
get a reservation

at the Brown Derby, too.

Yeah.

You ever miss the old days,
Mitch?

Yeah.

What was I, like, 24
when I first met you?

[chuckles]

Hostess
at Toots Shor's place.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was good times, huh?

Seems like
when you reach my age,

there's a lot more to look
backwards on than forwards.

How can I help?

I need to stop
this King Theodore revolt.

I need you to put
one of my kids

on The Tonight Show.

Bill Hobbs, this Friday.

[scoffs]

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪

[sighs]

♪♪

I have always been a big fan
of the impossible.

♪♪

I still need two more
whiskies on the rocks.

[Sully] Oh, man.

- Man, he is fucked up.
- Oh, oh. [whistles]

- [laughs]
- Oh.

Down goes Frazier!

Oh, you got to love a guy
who knows when to quit.

- You gonna help?
- Well, my dad just died.

You know what--White men keep
dropping dead around you.

[Sully sighs] We should
just put a bed there.

[Ralph] He'd just pee on it.
Look at him.

- [Sully] Here we go.
- [Ralph] All right. Fitz.

- [Sully] Come on, Fitzy.
- [Ralph] Get up. Damn.

Come on, man,
drink up, to us.

I mean, what the fuck?
Like, good things are happening.

I got this TV gig, and,
you know, you're writing

for that big-time
morning-radio DJ

that you kicked the shit out of
and is kind of a prick.

You know, I eat shit
for five bucks a joke

so Kenny Vesey can take
all the bows.

No applause,
no recognition,

no creative satisfaction.

It really fucking sucks.

[sighs] All right,
I'll see you at the apartment.

Come on, Eddie.

Everyone, you all know Kim,
I take it.

Now, Kim's gonna be
leaving us,

because Kim thinks
that rules are arbitrary.

Whims, laminated
and posted,

to be adhered to
when her mood hits her.

Good-bye, dear.

All right.

Now, here are the rules,
loud and clear.

Anyone punching in
anyone else's time card

is fired.

And if you don't like it,
you can leave.

Every drink poured,
measured, and delivered

must be accounted for.

And if you don't like it,
you can leave.

Every nickel that touches
your palm

better be in mine
when you punch out.

And if you don't like it,
you can leave.

Any questions?

Good.
Finish up and go home.

What the fuck
was that about?

Law and order,
plain and simple, baby.

No, you can't fire Kim.
No, that's not cool.

She's been with me
since the beginning. No.

Teddy, Kim is gone,

and if you don't like it...

Thanks for "KROQ"-ing,
Lisa from La Cañada.

Okay, who do we got next,
caller?

[Ron] Uh, Roni.

Hey, how are you, buddy.
Where you "KROQ"-ing from?

[Ron] Uh, Belmont.

Belmont? I bought a dog
in Belmont. What's going on?

[Ron] Uh, yeah, hi,
I just wanted to say that

that last joke you just did
about G. Gordon Liddy--

hilarious,
just great, great stuff.

Ha ha! Well, thank you.
I do my best.

Yeah, you know the quality
of comedy that you put out

on a daily basis
i-is really mind-blowing.

I mean, do you have writers,
or do you do it all yourself?

Well, Roni Baloney,
it's called Kenny in the AM,

not Kenny and Company
in the AM.

[Ron] Right,
that's funny, though,

because, you know,
I happen to know for a fact

that all your material
is written by Eddie Zeidel,

who's a regular
at Goldie's on Mondays

and Donimirski's Polish Deli
in the Valley

on Tuesdays and Wednesdays,
so, you know,

if anybody wants to see
the fist inside the puppet,

you should really go see
Eddie Zeidel--

Okay, sorry about that,
everybody, we get some...

[blows duck call]

At this time
in the morning.

Now, we're gonna be right back
with Kenny in the AM

right after this.

That's funny.

Is that a fucking friend
of yours?

Uh, more like a brother.

Yeah? Really?

Well, you...

are fucking fired.

Now, you get your little
fucking hebe ass out of here

before I fucking toss
it out myself!

Really?

Really.

[heavy rock music playing]

[Kenny moaning in pain]

[woman]
Think we should go in there?

You wanted to see me?

[Goldie]
Yeah.

You need to be over in Burbank
in an hour.

[scoffs]
Why Burbank?

You got The Tonight Show...

tomorrow night.

They want you to come by,
run through the material.

Wha--

Franklyn Ajaye got a cold,
Mitch called,

they needed a replacement,
so I told them you were ready.

Jesus Christ.

♪ sentimental music ♪

Congratulations, Bill.

[chuckles]

♪♪

I'm not big
on the word "deserve."

I figure you get what you get
in this life, but...

after the year you've had...

I think you do deserve it...

♪♪

Because you're loyal.

You always have been.

♪♪

I will never forget this,
Goldie.

I swear.

♪♪

You mean that?

More than anything.

♪♪

Close the door,
would you, Billy?

Yeah.

♪♪

[man] Three! two!

[TV theme music playing]

[applause]

♪♪

Thanks, y'all!

Can't wait to take off
these fucking shoes.

I think I'm allergic
to this wig.

[Sally] Congratulations!
Great show!

Thank you.

I got to say,
that was really exciting.

Well, you were incredible.

Really?
I couldn't tell.

The whole thing feels
sort of like a blur.

[laughs]
Welcome to television.

So what's next?

Pardon?

You know,
now that this is over,

what are you
gonna do next?

I'm sure you'll have
hundreds of options.

[Ralph] Are you sure we should
be celebrating this early?

You still have 15 hours
to fuck this up.

[laughter]

- Hey--
- Hey, listen, unless I get

bumped 'cause
Carol Channing's fucking limp

eats up all my time,
I will be sitting

on Johnny's couch
tomorrow tonight

laughing with the man.

- [laughter]
- Ha ha, man, you're not getting

the fucking couch.

The only way you will
get the couch

is if The Tonight Show has
a yard sale.

Please.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Walter.

What's up, man?

I want to go up.

Come on,
Al's the last comic,

and it's lights out.

Look, man, I don't care if it's
just me and the cockroaches.

I need to go up.

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

All right, man.

[Al] Nicer car--
I just don't understand it.

Why would she leave me?

[Edgar] At least you get to wear
that fucking suit.

Oh, shit,
look who it is!

[Bill] Huh? Oh.

[Ralph] That's what
a TV star look like.

- Hey!
- Come over here, girl.

[Edgar] Grandpa-size set
of balls, I will tell you that.

[Sully] Wow.

[Ralph]
What's why we love her.

- [Ralph laughs]
- [Edgar] Jesus Christ.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

I tried to call you, but--

Yeah, I was over at
"Girls are Fucking Idiots Too."

Oh, it's a documentary now?

- Oh, yeah, you heard?
- [laughter]

Let's celebrate her.
Some real TV cred.

[scattered applause]

All right, all right,
I know it's 2 a.m.

and it's late,
but we've got

one more comic
coming to the stage.

So make some noise
for Nick Beverly.

[scattered applause]

Good morning.

- [Ralph] No.
- [Cassie] What is he doing?

- [Ralph] Fucking Nick.
- [Edgar] Look out.

- [Ralph] Showing up at 2 a.m.
- [Nick] All right.

Got the cream of the crop, huh?
2 a.m.

This is
"Confessions of a Junkie."

Oh, shit.

That's right.
I'm a junkie.

Been clean
about a month now.

"Clean's"
kind of a relative term,

'cause now I'm doing
methadone.

Going from heroin
to methadone

is like going
from fucking Raquel Welch

to fucking
a jar of peanut butter

with her face drawn on it.

[laughter]

When you're a junkie, man,
your priorities,

they just get
all out of whack.

You know, they're fucked.

You'd do anything
for that fix.

I remember one Mother's Day.

My gift to my mom

was just to steal
something small from her.

- [scattered laughter]
- You know, five dollars

or less,
'cause she's my mom.

It's her special day.

[vacuum cleaner running]

[Bill] Hey.

- Um... [clears throat]
- [Bill] Shut it off.

[Edgar] What the fuck?
Come on.

My, uh...
[clears throat]

My ex and I came--

[vacuum cleaner stops running]

[scattered applause]

[sighs]

[Bill] Go ahead, Nick.

[Ralph] Yeah, come on, Nick,
you got it, baby.

- Whoo!
- [Cassie] Come on, Nick.

Okay.

Sex on heroin--
let's talk about it.

[Bill laughs]

Sex on heroin's weird.

♪ upbeat music ♪

It's like you're asleep,

and every five minutes,
you're getting woken up

because someone's fucking you.

[laughter]

♪♪

[Sully] Be cool, be cool.

[Bill] I'm gonna be cool.
Shut up.

- [man] Good afternoon.
- Hi, I'm Bill Hobbs.

I'm here to do
The Tonight Show.

- [Sully] Wow.
- [man] Thanks.

[groans] Look at this, man.
Fuck, it's the big-time.

Yeah.

You scared?

Shitless.

But it's a dry shitless.

Mm.

- Good?
- [man] Here you go.

- Thanks.
- [man] Have a good one.

Ahh. Suck it in, Sull.
You'll never be here.

- Thank you so much.
- [laughs]

Listen up!
Show of hands--

how many people want to see
Bill fail tonight?

[people murmuring]

Now, how many people
really want to see him eat shit?

[people cheering loudly]

Okay, tone it down.
It's The Tonight Show.

We need to celebrate
one of our own,

even if it's Bill.

[Maggie] Guys, we have work
to do in here.

Yes, you have to take
your little party to the Cellar.

All right, you heard
the pretty lady, to the Cellar.

All right.
Tonight's on Ron!

[Ron grumbles comically]

[Edgar] All right,
thank you very much.

Ralph, you coming?

I'm gonna catch up
with y'all later.

[rock music playing,
indistinct chatter]

♪♪

I ain't here
to give you shit.

Oh, social call, then?

Ah, something like that.

Look, I'm gonna talk,
you gonna listen,

and then I'm gonna leave.

Cool?

When I was your age,
I joined the military.

Was gonna be a career man.

Then the war broke out, and
they shipped my ass off to 'Nam.

Did two tours,
saw all kinds of shit,

but the one thing that I saw
over and over again

were kids put into situations
they had no idea how to handle.

What, you saying this 'cause
you feel like I ain't ready?

We still in the "you listening"
part, you dig?

♪♪

There are people--and they were
just kids back then--

in places right now
'cause of me.

Homes, jobs, families.

I'm proud of that.

I took care of them.
I saw them through.

♪♪

Then there are kids
in places because of me...

I'm not so proud of.

What, like,
graves and shit?

Yeah, graves and shit...

and here.

♪♪

Can I tell you something
I ain't never told nobody else?

Of course.

Man, I'm only 17 years old.

You're shitting me.

No, I'm serious.

I took my--my stepdad's
Eldorado after my mom passed,

and I drove to L.A.

Slept in it,
met Carl, sold it.

Damn.

♪♪

Look, man, I didn't mean
that ceiling shit

that I said the other night.

- That was just me being mad.
- [scoffs]

I know.

[scoffs]

It's too bad
that shit is true.

You got a God-given gift.

You gonna be big, Adam,
real big.

I mean, most of us...

[scoffs]
These motherfuckers,

we gonna be climbing
and climbing...

till we just hanging
by our fingertips.

We gonna need somebody to stomp
on 'em before we see the light.

- [laughs]
- You know what I'm saying?

- [laughs]
- Yeah.

Well, well, well...

You thinking
about coming over, too, Ralph?

Look...

you take care of yourself,
you hear me?

Yeah.

Think about it.

It would be an honor

to have a prominent nigger like
yourself grace up our stage.

You said that word
like you were white.

Maybe because
when I'm talking to you,

I mean it like I'm white.

[Ralph chuckles]

♪♪

[band playing
"The Tonight Show Theme"]

♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

[woman] Oh, my God. Honey,
I need you faster than that.

[music ends]

[Johnny]
We're back.

Because you've been
such a great audience,

we have a treat for you.

He's a new comic,
first time on The Tonight Show.

Currently performing
at Goldie's

on Sunset Strip.

Please give him a nice welcome.
Bill Hobbs.

[cheers and applause]

[band playing
"The Tonight Show Theme"]

Got a minute?

Sit.

We wrapped last night.

- Congratulations.
- [lighter clinks]

What are you?

Come again?

You asked me that.

I was sitting right here.
It was right after Clay died.

And, uh, I didn't know
the answer then.

But...

I do now.

I'm all ears.

I am whatever it takes.

[scoffs]
Is that supposed to wow me?

Goldie, you...
[groans]

...got your pound of flesh
in the trades.

What more do you need?

You come in here all swagger
and cigarette smoke

when one good breeze
would knock you on your ass.

Oh, because you're
the only tough one?

[sighs]

What do you want, Cass?

Hmm?

I want to go
back up here...

on your stage.

Like nothing happened?

No.

Like a lot happened.

[lighter clinks, clicks]

[lighter clinks, thuds on desk]

[exhales deeply]

Okay.

I'll see what time I can
open up for you in the Cellar.

[chuckles]

[sighs] The Cellar.

[scoffs]

There a problem?

♪ serious piano music ♪

♪♪

Good.

Stick around.
Bill's gonna be on soon.

They're setting up the TV
down there.

I hear it's turning
into quite the party.

♪♪

Thank you.

- [Sully] Come on, man, more.
- [Bill] What?

[Sully]
Come on, what was it like?

- [Sully] Come on.
- [Bill] Honestly?

Yeah.

I don't know
if anything in my life

will ever make me
as happy as this.

Like, what are you thinking
when you're standing up there?

[sighs]
Truthfully?

Yeah.

How I wish my dad
was there.

I know.
You'd think,

after what he did,

how we were always
at each other's throats--

but I swear to God, Sull...

...it was the happiest moment
of my life,

and more than anything,
I wanted to share it

with the person
who couldn't have cared less.

Why are you so sure
he didn't care?

Because he could've
been here.

He chose not to.

♪ gentle music ♪

♪♪

Hey, you mind if
I drop you off at Goldie's?

I'm not sure I want to watch
tonight with everyone.

♪♪

Actually, um...

I don't think I want
to go either.

♪♪

Great.

♪♪

- [Ron] Al!
- [Arnie] Al, put it up.

- [man] Crank it up, man.
- Up, up, up, up, up.

- [man] Lower it a little bit.
- Guys, we're in a cellar.

Is he gonna get
the couch, folks?

Is he going to get the couch?
I say no.

Put your hand
on the metal pipe.

- Touch the metal pipe.
- [Edgar] Two dollars.

[woman]
Hold your breath, Al.

Yeah.

The commercial is almost over.
Hurry up.

[indistinct chatter]

You're up in five minutes.

Bill's up next.

Edgar's got all my money
in his hands right now.

We're still open.

[scoffs]

[indistinct chatter continues

- [man] Here we go.
- [Edgar] Here we go.

Everybody shut the fuck up.

[band playing
"The Tonight Show Theme" on TV]

Shh. I think this
is gonna be Bill.

- [man] Here we go.
- Last-minute bets.

- Shh! Quiet!
- [Johnny] We're back.

We have a treat for you.

He's a new comic, currently
performing at Goldie's

- on the Sunset Strip.
- Goldie!

- [woman] Goldie.
- Yeah!

[Johnny] Please give him
a nice welcome. Bill Hobbs.

[band playing
"The Tonight Show Theme" on TV]

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[woman]
He looks good.

He looks like
a Polish band leader.

I'm not married.

I'm 28.
I am looking, though.

It's just really hard
to find someone

to share your love,
your hopes, your dreams.

Jesus. Camera really does
add ten pounds, right?

Apparently 20 this time,
that fat fuck.

[laughter]

Animals have it right,
you know?

Two dogs meet,
sniff here, sniff there,

they have sex,

then it's immediately back
to chasing squirrels.

No one's mad
that no one called.

- There's never any guilting.
- [laughter]

You're never gonna hear,
"Spike, it's Fluffy."

What's that like?

- "Fluffy, the white terrier."
- [laughter]

You know who Sisyphus is?

Yeah, the guy who had to keep
pushing a boulder up a hill

only to keep having it
roll back down on him.

Like that.

Yeah, but isn't that
pretty much everything in life?

For everyone?

Just instead of a boulder,
it's the sun coming up

and getting out of bed?

[chuckles]

Fuck, you might as well
push it up for Carson

as anything.

Eddie...

and I mean this with love,
fuck Carson.

[Bill] Do you think I was
born yesterday? I'm two.

- [laughter]
- [band playing jazz on TV]

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[applause]

♪♪

He got the fucking couch.
He got the fucking couch!

[all cheering]

[applause]

♪ sentimental music ♪

♪♪

I'm a salesman.

♪♪

[chuckles]

♪♪

[Badfinger's "No Matter What"
playing over stereo at Goldie's]

♪♪

♪ No matter what you are ♪

♪♪

♪ I will always be with you ♪

- That lady was nice.
- [laughs]

- She wanted me.
- Oh, look what I got.

Better get some beer
before the keg dries out.

Oh, she's the finest--

Oh, stop it.
Oh, hi there. Okay.

Ron.
Ron, help me here.

[music continues downstairs]

♪ I will always be around ♪

♪♪

♪ Won't you tell me
what you found, girl? ♪

♪ Ooh, girl, won't you? ♪

[vacuum cleaner running]

♪ Knock down
the old gray wall ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Be a part of it all ♪

♪ Nothing to say ♪

♪ Nothing to see ♪

♪ Nothing to do ♪

♪ droning music ♪

♪♪

♪ As I would give it to you ♪

♪ Nothing would be... ♪

[lighter clinks, clicks]

♪ Nothing would be ♪

♪ No matter where you go ♪

You did good tonight,
Billy.

♪ There will always be
a place ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Can't you see it
in my face, girl? ♪

♪ Ooh, girl, won't you? ♪

♪♪

[Ralph] Speak of the Devil,
and a redhead appears.

[all cheering]

[woman]
Hey! Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill!

[items breaking, men grunting]

- [Arnie coughs]
- What the fuck?

Get the fuck off of him!

- Fucker!
- [both groan]

You all right, Arnie?

- You all right?
- [coughing]

What the fuck
are you doing here?

[scoffs]

I came upstairs
to get more booze,

and I saw him
sneak into your office.

You want me
to call the cops?

No, no fucking cops.

Go get a drink.
I'll be all right.

[Teddy] Oh.
[coughs]

Fuck.

Go on. It's all right.
I'll be all right.

- [Teddy sobbing]
- [door creaks closed]

[lock clicks]

[sniffling]

It's just--
[breathing heavily] Oh, my God.

[rock music plays downstairs]

♪♪

[burps]

[sighs]

♪♪

It's done, Ted.

Come on.

♪♪

You called me, remember?

♪♪

It's better
in the long run, huh?

♪♪

Hmm?

♪♪

Long live the king.

♪♪

[Teddy slurps drink]

♪♪

♪ Looking for a girl like you ♪

Here we go.
Get 'em while they're cold.

[man] Hey!

All right, who wants one?
Who wants--

Hey, don't you owe
a bunch of people money?

- Shut up, man.
- Who do you owe money to?

Oh, he bet you wouldn't
get the couch.

You bet against me?

Are you surprised?

You got it the day before.
What do you want me to do?

- [Bill groans]
- [man] Not a bad bet.

- [man] Yeah.
- Not a bad bet.

Yeah, I shouldn't be surprised.
To Edgar losing again.

[all cheering]

Cheers.

All right, I got your money
if you want it.

So how was the couch?

Warm. Couch was
very, very warm, man.

Carol Channing,
say what you will,

her ass is
an octogenarian fire pit.

[laughter]

Wait, so, Bill,
what did Carson say to you,

like, when he leaned in
during the commercial?

He told me,
"Lose the beard."

- Mm, smart.
- Yeah.

You tell him Cassie
already dumped you?

[all] Oh!

[man] Hey, get out of here!
Come on!

Anyone in here like booze?

[all cheering]

♪♪

All right,
courtesy of Goldie.

Yeah, baby!

[man]
Yeah, buddy!

[man] No, but short.
Man up. Man up!

[all talking at once]

This thing on?

♪♪

[Ralph] ♪ Yeah, he hit it
almost every night ♪

♪ When that moon is
big and bright ♪

♪ It's a supernatural delight ♪

What the hell is that?

[Ralph] ♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪

Whoo!

Bill!

Got the motherfucking couch,
y'all!

[all cheering]

[King Harvest's "Dancing
in the Moonlight" playing]

[singing along] ♪ Everybody here
is out of sight ♪

♪ They don't bark,
and they don't bite ♪

♪ They keep things loose,
they keep things light ♪

♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪

♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

[all] ♪ Everybody's feeling
warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine
and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪

[Ralph singing along] ♪ We like
our fun, and we never fight ♪

♪ We don't dance
and stay uptight ♪

♪ It's a supernatural delight ♪

♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪

[all]
♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feeling
warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine
and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪

[Ralph singing along] ♪ We have
our fun, and we never fight ♪

♪ We don't dance
and stay uptight ♪

♪ It's a supernatural delight ♪

[all] ♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪

♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feeling
warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine
and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪

♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feeling
warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine
and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪

[Ralph] Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪

♪ Everybody here
is out of sight ♪

♪ They don't bark,
and they don't bite ♪

♪ They keep things loose ♪

- [siren wailing]
- ♪ They keep things light ♪

♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feeling
warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine
and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪

- ♪ Everybody's ♪
- ♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feeling
warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine
and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight ♪