All language subtitles for Im.Dying.Up.Here.S01E07.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[Ron] Previously on
I'm Dying Up Here...

The hell are we doing here?

Said you wanted an audience.

But I'm not an alcoholic.

Yeah, don't open with that.

Bill, it's over.
Go home.

Well, I did the one thing
that no comic's ever done.

I got my shit together.

I could put together
a group of women,

make them pee their pants
faster than bad Nielsen ratings.

You could call your special
Girls Are Funny Too.

Edgar, Melvin and I
served together.

Oh, really?
What restaurant?

[laughs]

- I'm not a fucking junkie.
- No, not you.

Who's the cute blonde
you got going up here?

[Marty]
Does the Texas Jew thing?

Cassie's not ready yet.

I got a laugh track says she is.

We agree to this,
the project moves forward?

Green-lit.

[Goldie]
You're in.

You told me that
my act wasn't ready.

Who said anything
about doing your act?

They want the girl from Wink.

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪

[Edgar] Are you having
a good time, ma'am?

Really?
All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians
are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do
a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are you
doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right,
thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly
above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

♪ Al Green's
"Tired of Being Alone" plays ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm so tired of being alone ♪

♪ I'm so tired of on my own ♪

♪ Won't you help me girl ♪

♪ Just as soon as you can... ♪

Right this way.

- ♪ People say... ♪
- [Eddie] Hi.

[Eddie, distantly] Okay, you
guys know what you'd like?

♪ To make you say... ♪

You have a nice day.

♪ That you love me... ♪

♪ Ah! ♪

♪ I'm so tired of being alone ♪

♪ I'm so tired
of being alone ♪

♪ So tired of being alone ♪

♪ Sometimes late at night I get
to wondering about you baby ♪

[Cassie]
My uncle was the town drunk,

which in Wink, Texas
is an elected position.

- [laughs]
- I like it.

Uh, it's one of
those rare positions

where falling down on the job
is actually a requirement.

- [small sound]
- Eh, I don't know about that.

I moved to Wink
when I was ten

after my parents died.

They went to Heaven,
and we went to Wink.

Stop.
No dead parents, I told you.

I know, but some
of this new stuff

is really starting
to play out there.

[Goldie sighs]

This is prime time.

Your parents are out
at a hootenanny,

making music
blowing through a jug.

All right.

Well, what if I just maim 'em?

Building a relationship
with a network audience

is it's--it's like building
any relationship.

You lead with your best behavior

before you shit on their heads.

You stick with the Texas twang,
the wide-eyed innocence

and...[inhales] dating
relatives with funny names.

Well, I haven't used Lum yet.

You are a comedy gold mine,
Daisy Mae.

[lighter clatters]

[with "Texas twang"]
Thank you kindly, ma'am.

- There you go!
- [sighs/groans]

[Ron] Got my 30-day chip today.

[group applauds]

Thirty days without alcohol.

Uh, I also got my
"130 days without sex" chip.

- [laughter]
- Yeah.

That was more of a scar
than a chip.

I mean, if it
hadn't been for a hand job

I got just for shutting up,

we could be talking about
well over a year here.

[laughter]

But, I mean, if you think
I got a drinking problem,

you should see the women that
agree to have sex with me.

They are basically just
vaginas floating in vodka.

- [overlapping groans]
- [bell dings]

Ahh, okay.
That's my time.

Uh, this next guy...
[inhales sharply]

[chuckles] Ooh hoo hoo hoo!
Not for the faint of heart.

He's done some
pretty unforgivable shit.

Let's give a big
Try God welcome to Terry.

Terry, everybody.

[group clapping]

[mutters]

Keep coming back.

Are you kidding?
I love this room.

[all] Hi, Terry.

[performer talking indistinctly]
Jesus Christ!

- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, Lovis.

There's a lot of chatter
about you in here, huh?

The booths are full of suits.

All right.
Thanks.

Your next comedian coming to
the stage is a very funny guy.

Formerly a very funny doorman
here at Goldie's.

Big round of applause
for Joey Spencer!

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- [applause]

All right, thanks.

Manny Martinez, everybody,
keep it going for him.

[applause]

It's okay,
he's the one Mexican here

who's not trying
to steal your job--

[both grunt]

[amplifier feedback screeches]

Joey Spencer,
ladies and gentlemen, huh?

- [crowd commotion]
- Let's keep it going.

I'm Mike Lovis, and I've
been working the door here

at Goldie's
a lot longer than him.

- Ain't that right, shit-stain?
- [moaning]

Sounds like a yes to me.

So I'm in the grocery store
the other day and I see a

- woman start to have a seizure.
- Just get off the--

God damn it!
In the "12 items or less" line.

So I do what any person would do
in that kind of situation.

I start counting
how many items she has

in...her...fucking cart.

- No, no, no.
- [crowd commotion, laughter]

So I'm all like,
"Twelve, 13..."

She had 17 fucking items
in her cart!

Three years!
Three years I worked

- that fucking door!
- Go over here!

And I've been up
in The Cellar one time!

And Joey gets the fucking
Main Stage!

- [Lovis] Fucking bullshit!
- [crowd murmurs]

- All right, Joey Spencer.
- [Lovis] ...fucker!

[Arnie] Keep it going
for Joey Spencer.

[scattered clapping]
[Lovis continues shouting]

Sorry, everybody.

- Um...
- [indistinct talking]

So I was out with this girl
the other night.

Ah!

What the hell's going on
in here?

Lovis flipped out.

Must be some kind of
doorman syndrome.

How 'bout those gas prices, huh?

What's the deal with that, huh?

No--no, no!

[snaps] Ron.
Take the door.

[Lovis] Nixon was--[grunts]

- [mutters] Me?
- That's your name, right?

Yeah, yeah, no, I-I just
didn't know that you knew it.

It was great
catching up with you.

Now grab the fucking door.

[Lovis] Three years, three years
I worked that fucking door!

Yes, ma'am.

[quietly] Goldie told me...
Did you--

- [man] Lovis, it's cool!
- [man] You did good.

[Lovis] Fucking bullshit!
Fuck you!

[Ralph] Now get your fucking
ass out!

[Lovis continues yelling]

[muffled yelling]

Arnie.

Goldie told me
to watch the door.

She knows my name.

Ooh, stirring.

You watching the door,
you need a T-shirt.

What size are you?

Medium.

Oh, we only have smalls.

Why the fuck did you ask?

It's called common courtesy,
douchebag.

All right.

Give Ron a large shirt.

[Joey continues in background]

[loud applause]

[Adam] That is the weirdest sex
ever, the weirdest sex, okay?

Now, ladies, I don't want y'all
to take this the wrong way,

but y'all are fucking crazy.

[laughter]

Always trying to figure
us men out.

You think I'm playing?

When JFK got shot, his wife
jumped on the trunk of the car

- and grabbed his brains.
- [all moaning]

Even when we dead, y'all
wanna know what we thinking.

[laughter, groaning]

Bay of Pigs?
No.

Cuban missile crisis?

Not interested.

Marilyn.

[laughter]

That bitch.

I knew you was
in here somewhere.

You're in some shit
when we get to the house.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat Muzak playing]

[Eddie] I'm from Boston
originally.

Uh, my father
owned a men's shop.

Big sports town, Boston.
Big sports town.

Red Sox, Yankees.
You know?

One of the great rivalries
in professional sports.

Uh, my father,
he hated the Yankees.

You know?

The-the thing my father
detests most, in order,

are the Yankees,
the Nazis,

and ill-fitting suits.

♪♪

Um, my father's very critical

of-of how people dressed.

In fact, when we go to see
the Sox play the Yankees

at Fenway Park, my father
would often direct his insults

at how the Yankees players
looked in their uniforms

rather than
the players themselves.

[chuckles] Hey, Mantle!

[phone rings]

Mantle!

You look like shit out there!

A well-fitted shoulder
should lie flat

and be the same length
as the bone und--

You okay, sir?
You-you need to walk or...

Thank you.

A well-fitted shoulder
should lie flat

and be the same length
as the bone under it!

And should meet the sleeve
of the uniform

right where your arm
meets your shoulder!

Ya bum!

[man] Pick up.

Okay.
Thank you.

You've been a
very well-behaved audience.

[Muzak continues
in background]

♪♪

You good over here?
All right.

Hey, would you guys
like some refills, or--

All right.

- Would you like a refill?
- Decaf.

Okay.

Funny stuff.

Uh, yeah, doing my best.

Kenny Vesey.

Uh, hey.

Eddie Zeidel.

Wait, are you, uh,

are you Kenny In The AM?

Kenny!

Holy shit.
Man.

I-I listen to you all the time
since I've, uh,

since I've been here
from Boston.

I'm a Yankee fan.
But

I'm gonna fight
every instinct I have

and still leave you
a decent tip.

Well, my hand-to-mouth
existence thanks you.

[chuckles]

No, seriously, man, uh...

- You and Klein the other day.
- Mm.

It was so funny.

Jesus, I've known Bobby
since our New York days.

Yeah, we did, uh,

did a lot of coffee shops
together.

- Right.
- Seriously though.

Funny shit.

Especially the closer.

"Closer," huh?

More like
segue to pouring coffee.

[laughs]
Well,

keep at it.

Maybe one day soon
we'll have you on.

- Oh.
- You know what? Here.

Thanks for Babe Ruth.

And thank you
for No No Nanette.

[chuckles]

I can't tell you
how anxious CMA is

to get into the Nick Beverly
business, huh?

Seriously.

Yeah, I'm more of a, uh,
mom and pop operation

right now than a business.

We launch careers, Nick.

- Yeah.
- Seriously, that's what we do.

Look, as a side note, uh,

[sniffs]

I'm a full-service agent, Nick.
Hm?

You say jump.
I say how ♪ high? ♪

Bolivian.
Not so much as a footprint.

Yeah, not much of a coke man,

but a lovely gesture
nonetheless.

Cool.

Just know,

late or loaded,

CMA has got your back, Nick.

Seriously.

Late and loaded, I got.

So why don't we go with
rich and famous, huh?

[snickers]
Speaking my language.

Your wish is my command.

[Ralph] Hey,
I'm gonna hit the road early.

7 a.m. sharp.

You hear me?

Yeah.
7 a.m. sharp.

So that means, what,
you'll be ready by 8?

8:15.
I still haven't packed.

Oh, yeah.
It's your Sonny and Cher gig.

Yeah, baby,
four sold-out shows in Vegas.

Oh.

It's like a boring
white people convention.

Yeah, but I'm gonna be
yawning all the way to the bank

at a grand a gig
to open for those two.

Bring me to Vegas.
I'd be nice to get away.

Well, Edgar already
wormed his way into driving.

I didn't worm my way
into driving, okay?

That's like saying somebody
wormed their way

into painting your apartment.

Comped room at Caesar's?

All the food and drink
you can handle?

You a motherfucking worm,
and you know it.

[laughter]

[Edgar]
It's a little wormy.

[Ralph] First of all,
if you go anyway,

which bed you gonna sleep in?

- [Ralph] Mine or Edgar's?
- [Cassie laughs]

Oh, hey.

Here's a funny prick
you want to know.

Bill Hobbs,
Miles Farber, CMA.

Bill Hobbs, yeah.
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

I seen your stuff.
I'm a big fan.

Seriously.

Yeah, we've already met.

When you passed on repping me.

Uh, yeah, sorry,

I usually don't forget a face.

No, please, forget this one.

That way, a year from now
after I've been on Carson

and you come crawling back
to suck my cock,

I can tell you
to go fuck yourself.

Seriously.

I did say prick.

♪ jazzy music playing ♪

♪♪

You know, Goldie,

I've always liked your club.

Something about it
reminds me of my daddy's place.

[chuckles]

Yeah, all the talent
that's come through here.

Only instead of, uh,
Coleman Hawkins

and Thelonious Monk,

now it's Richard and Carlin.

Different music,
but same energy.

That's lovely, Barton.
You got something on your mind?

- Adam Proteau.
- What about him?

I'm just wondering,
is it wise

you hiding him
in your cellar is all?

♪♪

Carl is a good manager.

And he was
taking care of that kid.

Till you whispered in his ear.

Nobody's casting aspersions.

Boy made his own decisions.

Yeah?

So what are you to him now?

A friend.

No financial entanglements.

Just seems obvious,
so much talent.

And look,
when you got a van Gogh,

you don't hang it
in the cellar.

[laughs]

It's my van Gogh.

I'll hang it
wherever the fuck I want.

Look, Barton, I'm sure
you're a hell of a pimp,

but don't ever come into my club

and tell me
how to handle my kids.

Stick to what you know--

racketeering
and getting Pryor laid.

♪♪

Don't fool yourself, Goldie.

We're both pimps.

Only my whores get paid.

♪ mellow jazz continues ♪

[Ron] So I've been making
the amend rounds lately.

Uh, it's been about eight weeks,
and I'm up to the Cs now.

- Hold for laughs.
- Really?

You know what?
A-at least my audience

can get up and leave;
yours are trapped till they

finish their unpronounceable
sausage specials.

Don't you feel bad
pretending to be an alcoholic

just to work on your material?

[scoffs]
Are you kidding?

It's like one country song
after another in there.

Trust me, I'm providing
much-needed comic relief.

Besides I gotta up my game
now that I'm a door guy.

I mean, Goldie gives those guys
special treatment.

They get to pick their own spots
at open-mic night,

so she's bound to see me.

And when she does...
Carson, here I come.

Hold for the amazing
lack of self-awareness.

A year from now when
me and Johnny

are playing golf together,

I want you to
think back on this moment

when you wonder why
I never ask you to caddie.

[snickers]

[Kenny on radio] All right,
thanks for that call, Sharon.

Now, you heard her, folks.

If you like funnel cakes,
if you like petting zoos,

you are running out of time!

This is the final weekend,
so head on over to that

L.A. County Fair!

Stay tuned, everybody
this is Kenny in the AM.

[Rockin' Horse's "Rock & Roll
Fever" plays on radio]

♪♪

♪ Ever since I was
a young boy... ♪

[knock on door]

♪ I was jumping to Chuck Berry
almost every single day ♪

♪ But Daddy told me son
that stuff will ♪

♪ Go right to your head ♪
[toilet flushes]

♪ But Daddy didn't know
it got me flying like a jet ♪

♪ And I've got
oh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Rock and roll fever ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Rock and roll fever ♪

♪ Really put me there
in the spotlight, yeah ♪

♪ Rock and roll fever... ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh! ♪

[Kenny] All right, Kenny Vesey,
everybody,

and we're talking
to Nick Beverly

on Kenny in the AM!

[chorus over recording]
♪ Wake up ♪

- [inhaling]
- [man] Man, biscuit!

Now, I don't know how
many of you caught it,

but Nick was on
The Tonight Show.

What was that, about a week ago?
How'd that go?

It was incredible.

How bad
was Ed's breath?

Because when I was on, he could
have knocked a buzzard off a

[plays kazoo]
wagon!

It was so bad...

Yeah, I can't say I got
that close,

but Johnny smelled delightful.

I'd like to find a car freshener
that smells just like Johnny.

[laughs] All right.
Speaking of cars,

it's time
for KROQ's traffic and weather

on Kenny in the AM!
[plays woodwind toy]

[chorus over recording]
♪ Traffic and weather ♪

[man continues, indistinct]

I'm just not totally sold.

Are you a fuckin' idiot?

- Doorman's a plumb gig.
- [coughs]

How much money you make
is totally up to you.

It's all a big hustle, Ronnie.

Hey, what's this "Ronnie" shit?

All right, here's the deal,
"Ronnie."

Main room has three levels,
'kay?

Up front, that's your
target range

for comics doing crowd work.

Ideally you want to sit
hot chicks,

old guys with hot chicks,
and homosexuals.

And how will I know
they're homosexuals?

You know,
homo behavior.

Giggling, white wine.

Manners.

The back is noisy
and it has poor sight lines,

so that's strictly
for the rabble.

So the prime seating
is the booths?

Oh, yeah,
that's where you're

gonna make
most of your bread.

Say some high roller comes in
asking about a booth,

you say, "Sorry, pal.

These booths are reserved
for Presidents Lincoln,

Hamilton, and Jackson."

[Eddie] Hamilton
was not a president.

He was the country's
first Secretary of the Treasury,

and he also helped found
the Federalist Party.

Well, cock-a-doodle-
who-gives-a-fuck?

- [Ron sighs]
- Anyway,

I'm doorman supervisor, so
I get 20 percent of your take.

Are you shitting me?

Eh, you'll still make plenty.

That's where I started.
Look at me now.

Not right now, later now.

When I'm dressed.

[bong bubbling]

Hey, fuck you!
I own a Mustang!

[Kenny on radio] All right,
we're back everybody.

Kenny Vesey, we're
talking to Nick Beverly

about Dodger fans...

Ooh, Nick's on.

[Nick on radio]
Only tension during the game

is when it's all tied up
in the middle of the seventh

and they can't find
their cars in the parking lot.

- [laughs]
- [Kenny laughs]

You know Kenny Vesey caught
my act at the deli last night?

Complimented me.
Nice guy.

I got to tell
you something, pal.

I used to go to
a lot of Yankees-Sox games.

And my uncle,
who was a tailor,

all his insults about the Sox

used to be about
how their clothes fit.

Hey, Ted Williams!

A well-fitted shoulder
lies flat

and should meet the sleeve
of your uniform

right where your arm
meets your shoulder!

Ya bum!

[Nick and Kenny laugh]

That's your joke.

I wouldn't be bragging.

[Kenny on radio] I'm gonna
tell you how the term...

That motherfucker.

[Eli groans]

- What? What the hell?
- Jesus.

What--what is all this?

[Eli] Extra, extra.
Read all about it.

Goldie Herschlag,

exec producing
CBS comedy special.

[laughs, inhales]

Finally, news
that's fit to print.

- Madam?
- Apple wine?

- [chuckles]
- Where's the Dom?

Uh-uh-uh.

There's a story.

Well, I hope it's a story
about champagne.

Years ago,
before I had a dime,

I toasted my very first deal
with a bottle

of this fine Boone's Farm
Apple Wine.

And nothing--
and I mean nothin'--

ever tasted as good.

Come here.

[soft laugh]

[glasses clink]

[both] Mmm.

That is yummy.

[giggles]

[breathes deeply]

This is big.

[laughs]
Are you kid--

As your lawyer, I'm telling you,
this is very big.

And don't worry about the Dom,
there'll be plenty of that

tomorrow night
at the Dansaks' party.

- Good, because this is awful.
- [grunts]

You know, uh,
Camille's gonna be there, so...

Course she is.
She's your wife.

To our baby.

- [glasses clink]
- Ohh...

Mmm.

Hey.

I thought you was
moving furniture.

Yeah.

For my people,
beanbag chairs are furniture.

[chuckles]

[Sonny and Cher's
"I Got You Babe" plays]

♪♪

♪ They say we're young
and we don't know... ♪

Hey.

Getting in the zone.

What kind of black dude
are you?

Look, Sonny and Cher
have done me a solid.

I'm opening for the biggest
audience I've ever played for

all because they believe in me.

So forgive me if
I don't share your ire.

"Ire"?

I repeat, what kind
of black dude are you?

The kind that's trying to build
a motherfucking career

and take care of his own

rather than trying
to fix a motherfucking world

that don't give a shit.

Why does everybody think

every black comic
gotta be all in your face

about how black they are?

Can't shit just be funny?

You see, now that sounded black.

Two octaves higher,
I'd pull over the van

so you could hold up
a liquor store.

[laughs]

You'd like that.

The revolution
will be televised,

and I'm hosting
that motherfucker.

♪ Babe ♪

♪ I got you babe ♪

[humming]

[man on radio
talking indistinctly]

[knocks]

Yeah?

I got a scoop
you won't find in the trades.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Arnie,

does everything with you
come with a drum roll?

I-I just talked to
our liquor guy.

He's gonna have one less
stop to make on his route.

Teddy's.

Cut off.

Three months late
on his fucking liquor bill.

Ooh, I like the way
this day is shaping up.

[laughs]

- [surf rock music plays]
- Now this is what I call music.

[chuckles]

[siren wails]

Oh, shit.

♪♪

Just--eh-be cool.

I'm cool.

Don't worry, I'm gonna
take care of everything.

Okay, you do that.

[siren wailing]

You acting jittery as shit.

Just shut up.

[song continues over car radio]

[Edgar] Be cool.

Okay. I got this.

[Ralph] Y-you sure?

Hello, Officer.

License and registration.

Um...

Well, I left it in the van.

I'll just get it.

♪♪

What the fuck?

What the fuck was that?

[Edgar] I panicked.

Now I'm gonna get screwed over

because you panicked over
a couple of fucking joints?

[police radio chatter]

- Dispatch, this is 166.
- [dispatch] Copy, 166.

We've intercepted a vehicle
with two beanbag chairs

stuffed with over 5,000 hits
of THC, copy?

[dispatch] Copy, 166.

Now is the time

you should
start motherfucking panicking.

[clears throat]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[elegant music playing]

Oh, when do I get to meet
Silverman?

Oh, you know Fred
really wanted to be here,

but he had to give a speech

at some, uh,
some animal rights event.

He couldn't switch it around,
so...

And have you met my wife, Lisa?

Lisa, honey, come here,
come here.

This is Goldie.

[small laugh]
Oh, it's nice to meet you.

- Beautiful home you have.
- Oh, thank you.

Everybody, if I could have
your attention please?

One of our honored
guests tonight, Eli Gershman,

his beautiful wife, Camille,

would like to say a few words,
so please.

Camille?

[indistinct chatter]

Thank you.

- Please.
- Thank you, Marty.

In 1961, our oldest,
Christopher, was born.

We wanted to welcome him
into the world

toasting him with champagne.

The only problem was
we were flat broke

after setting up Eli's practice.

Fortunately for us,
that was the year

this delightful
little vintage came out.

Boone's Farm Apple Wine.

[soft laughter]

So now, when good things happen,
we remember back

to when love and a buck a bottle
were more than enough.

[crowd] Aww.

To my darling husband, Eli,

our three wonderful children,

and Eli's formidable partner,
Goldie.

Oh.
[nervous chuckle].

Congratulations.

[Marty] Congratulations.

[glasses clinking]

Delightful, just delightful.

Everybody, let's eat.

[elegant music resumes]

♪♪

Oh, come quick.
I'm drinking the stars.

Look, the story with the wine
was true.

All right, and I wanted
to share it with you.

Just--you know--
without the back story.

I'm not an idiot, Eli.

I know what we have is a lie.

But what makes it tenable:

we don't lie to each other.

Otherwise, I don't know
what the fuck we're doing.

[Ticket's
"Bad Things in the World

Make the Nice Things Nicer"
plays on stereo]

♪♪

♪ I was sitting
on a moonlight vision ♪

- ♪ I was thinking...♪
- How do you know

- who drank out of that?
- I don't.

Ah, sweet mystery of life.
[chuckles]

The comedy world
just got smaller.

You retiring?

- No, he said "comedy."
- Oh, right.

Hey, Gabe, it's past sundown.
Shouldn't you be

in a synagogue, atoning for
being such a fucking dick?

- [chuckles]
- Ooh, that's a good one.

So what happened?

King Theodore's done.

Cut off by his liquor supplier.

Mm, no shit.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Did you hear about
King Theodore's?

Yep, the King is dead;
long live the Queen.

[Fitzy] Hey, Cass.

I read about "Vagina Nights"
in the trades.

I can't tell you how happy
I am for you.

Wow, guys, overwhelmed
with the support, thank you.

Cassie,
you were in the trades?

Yeah and Girls Are Funny Too
is announced.

It's, uh,
it's actually happening.

Christ, why can't
they do a guy's version?

They do; it's called
the fucking Tonight Show.

[laughs] Amen to that.

[scoffs]
Amen to what?

Girls Are Funny Too
is basically

the Negro League with tits.

Funny is funny--that should be
the sole determining factor.

But, hey, if you want to be
a second-class comedian,

then be my guest.

- He's got a point.
- Oh, yeah?

So if there was a
"Jews Are Funny Too" special,

- you wouldn't sign up?
- Yeah, right.

What, if there were a "Black
Guys Are Funny Too" special

or a "Guys With Glasses Are
Funny Too" special or a

"Guys Who Smell Faintly Like
Urine Are Funny Too" special,

you wouldn't jump at it?

It's a good thing he said
"faintly."

- [laughter]
- [Kenny] Man, biscuit!

Thursday morning.
Are we a go?

Yeah, I'll be there, man.

All right, good, you could do
the call-ins with me.

Hey.
You stole my joke, asshole.

[scoffs]
I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm the fucking waiter
who told that joke

at the deli yesterday,
the one you stole

and said on your radio show
this morning.

- Remember that?
- Hey, pal...[laughs]

I don't know what
the fuck you're talking about.

You know what you did.

Kenny Vesey.

He's the youngest comic
to do Carson.

Carson.

Why the fuck would he
steal your open mic joke?

I'm not sure,
why don't you ask him?

- [laughs]
- Come on, man.

He didn't take it.
Plus, we've seen your act.

I mean, who'd want to pick corn
out of that pile of shit?

Look alive, guys.
Eddie, you're up after Ron.

Let's go

Yeah, not with
this jerk-off here.

[chuckles] Fucking
nerve on this little kid.

Ignore him, man, he's
an arrogant little asshole.

[whispers indistinctly]

[Fitzy] What do you call
a Mexican hitchhiking?

- Stranded.
- [crowd laughter]

This next guy
needs no introduction.

[crowd laughter]

Fitzy, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, if anybody
wants an autograph,

he'll be outside
vomiting up cocktail onions

after the show.

- So my mother's a big woman.
- [scattered laughs]

Yeah, just-just not a fan
of exercise.

Little bit of
a drinking problem too.

I-I, actually, I tried
to get her to go to AA,

but she refused when
she heard it had 12 steps.

[laughter]

She-she is really,
really heavy.

She told me when she dies,

she wants to be cremated

so her ashes can be used
to blot out the sun.

[laughter]

No, I mean,
I love my mother,

- but, you know, she's...
- [Goldie murmuring]

[coughs]
She, uh...

she-she is, uh,
she-she's just a big lady.

You know, she-she just-she-
you know, she won't exercise.

But I already said that.
[chuckles]

Sorry, um...

What, uh, what-what else-what...

Um...oh, yeah, so, uh,

so my name-my name is, uh,
my name's Ron Shack,

which, you know,
Fitzy kind of failed to mention.

Uh, hi.

Uh, Ron is, uh, my nickname.

It's-it's, uh,
it's actually short

for "Moron."

'Cause, uh...
[clears throat]

uh, 'cause...

Uh...

You know, people assumed
it'd be short for--

[microphone fumbling]

[tense laugh]
Technical problems.

Uh...

Anybody got
an instruction manual?

Nope?

- [crowd laughter]
- He bombed three times at once.

[Fitzy] We're bringing in
a firing squad

and they'll put you
out of your misery.

Just be honest.

Like-like scale of one to ten,

how bad was that?

Uhh, well, what you want
to hear is that you did okay.

But what you need to hear
is that you sucked.

Which you did.

But that's good,
that's how you get better.

Hey, hey, look at
the bright side.

You know,
after that performance,

short of one of "Jerry's kids"
coming up on stage

and popping a crutch,
you're a lock for a pity fuck.

I panicked.

I saw Goldie watching,
and I just froze.

It-it-it-it was like
one of those-those horror movies

where you try to scream
and-and nothing comes out.

I'm dead.
I'm fucking dead.

It's okay, Ronnie.

It's not that big a deal.

[Arnie]
Yeah, tell that to Lovis.

He bombed in front of Goldie
early on,

and...
look what happened to him.

♪ rousing funk music ♪

Now, look here,
Norton has style.

He shoots that jab
right from his hip.

[grunts] Then he move
all herky-jerky.

You know what I'm sayin-saying?
I'm telling you.

Ali gonna have trouble
timing that boy.

You watch what I tell you.
You know what I'm saying?

Well, speaking of
young, pretty, and black.

[chuckling]

All right, baby.

From Sonja.

Hey, y'all should have seen
this man the other night.

Man, he had the audience
bent with laughter.

[chuckles]

I just had a good set,
that's all.

Hey, never underestimate

the power of charisma.

And that is something
that you have tenfold.

No matter what Goldie may think.

And she could stick you
in the bottom of the well,

you'd still come up with laughs.

[chuckling]

Meaning?

Means she's burying you
in that bullshit cellar.

Hey, man, the Cellar's just
somewhere to hone my style

until it's ready for Main Stage.

[laughs]
Y'all hear this?

[laughs]

The fuck is so funny?

She got you trained.
Hmph!

You wanna buy that jive.

But if you want to
bury your light under a bushel

and keep playin' house nigga to
Miss Goldie, that's your call.

Man, why you always
gotta talk shit to make a point?

I'm sorry, Adam, but I
don't decorate the truth

with ribbons and bows.

All right.
You want some truth?

Try this shit on.

If you want to
make it in comedy,

it's only one place to do that
in L.A., and that's Goldie's.

You sound like you
done found Jesus.

[laughter]

[man] Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!

Maybe I have.

There are other clubs,

just like there are other ways.

Like what?

King Theodore's?

Man can't even
pay his liquor bill.

And what does it matter?

Ain't nobody being
found there anyways.

I gotta go.

[song continues over radio]

Dating was different after guys
found out my parents were dead.

They became afraid
to use the word "parents."

I'd meet a guy's
mother and father

and he'd introduce them
to me as,

"the couple
who did his laundry."

[soft laugh]
It's funny.

Goldie wants
my parents still breathing,

it being network and all.

Mm, I get that.

So can you save it?

I mean,

Cass, this is your life.

I can be a sounding board
and all,

but this is-this is all you.

Yeah, but the stuff she wants
me to say isn't my life.

It's like a cartoon version
of my life.

- Right.
- [sighs]

[exhales]

[sighs] God, I'm so sick
of my stomach

being in knots.

And it's just jokes, right?

Think Henny Youngman
pulls his hair out

every time
he picks up his fiddle?

Yeah, probably.

I mean,
"take my wife...please"

came from someplace.

Henny's wife probably
shit herself laughing

when she first heard it.

- You think?
- Yeah, definitely.

My dad was always disappointed

that I didn't play baseball
as a kid.

Harmon Killebrew
and Sandy Koufax,

they were heroes in our house.

♪ somber music ♪

Jews that could throw the ball,
that was a very big deal.

Hey, you know who
you're talking to, right?

Anyway, I, um...

I got bullied a lot as a kid.

So I was never fully comfortable
around jocks holding bats.

And there was this one day

I was at Fenway
with my old man,

about ten years old.

And it was
the bottom of the seventh,

and he was extra surly

'cause the Sox
were getting creamed

by the fucking Yankees no less.

And he just keeps
getting madder and madder.

And so I look at him
and I say, "Hey, Dad.

What do you call a New Yorker
with a baseball bat

who's covered
in baggy pinstripes?

A piece of shit."

[both chuckle]

Admittedly, it's not
my A material, but...

it's still my favorite.

And why is that?

'Cause it was the first time
I ever made my old man laugh.

[inhales]
Yeah.

♪♪

Jokes are sacrosanct

because they're never
just jokes, you know?

You are always
in there somewhere.

♪♪

[inhales sharply]
Ooh.

You are one serious fucker.

Oh, that's nothin'.

Wait till you hear
my dissertation

on knock-knock jokes.

Oh, yeah?

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?

- Nietzsche.
- Nietzsche who?

Eh, fuck it, don't answer,
what's the point?

Life has no intrinsic
meaning or value.

I'm sorry I bothered you.

You always make me laugh.

[inhales]
Well, it's my burden.

You're a good friend, Eddie.

Yeah, you too.

[funk rock plays on radio]

[sports announcer in background]

♪♪

[man]
Roger Moore is 002 at best.

[mellow rock,
sports announcer continue]

[Maggie] What's that?

Care package?

From my mom.

Stuff from back home
you can't get out here.

♪♪

You eat this?

Yep.
On bread.

Mix it with peanut butter,
it's called a "fluffernutter."

You okay, Ronnie?

You seem a little--

Down?

Pussy-ish.

Thanks, Maggie.

- [chuckles]
- Seriously.

You should work with children.

Is this still about
last night?

You bombed.
Move on already.

Maggie, I didn't just bomb.

I bombed in front of
fucking Goldie,

the one fucking person
that you can't bomb in front of!

Whoa, whoa,
take it down a notch.

I'm not the one
who sucked last night.

You know what, Mags?

Fuck you.

You know what else?

Why don't you wear some
fucking pants to breakfast

like a normal person, okay?

'Cause we get it.

You have a vagina.

[funk rock continues]

♪♪

Really?

Hey,
you get through to Sonny Bueno?

They're at rehearsal.

Sorry, man.

I was--I was really hoping
you'd get us sprung

because I gotta take a shit,

and I can't take a shit
in public, no fucking way.

I mean, y-
You wouldn't understand

'cause a guy like you
can take a dump anywhere, right?

I truly envy that.
[soft chuckle]

What's it like, Edgar?

Being so wrapped up in yourself
that you don't give a fuck

about anybody else?

I care about people.

Who do you give
a motherfucking two shits about

other than yourself?

I care about my friends.

What friends?

The people you sell drugs to?

Those are customers.

You don't have any
fucking friends.

Ralph,

I fucked up,
okay?

But that does not mean
I don't care about people.

You know what we used to call
motherfuckers

like you in the army?

[Ralph chuckles]

"Jack."

That's a special
term of contempt

reserved for those

who only look out for themselves
and not their mates.

That's you, Edgar.

A Jack motherfucker,
through and through.

Ralph.

I am so fucking sorry, man.

- Get the fuck away from me.
- Hey, hey.

Get your ass in a fucking--

[guard] Knock it off!

Both of you!

It's all right, Officer.

Think it's a Vietnam thing.

You tour there?

Twice.

Who you with?

75th Infantry Rangers.

Sergeant Major Ralph Carnegie,
Company C.

Sergeant Jerry Barnsdale.

Long Range
Reconnaissance Patrol.

Find 'em, track 'em, kill 'em.

What happened here,
Sergeant?

Wrong place, wrong time,

wrong person to get
a fucking ride from.

He's right, Officer.

He did not have anything
to do with this, okay?

He's a comedian; he's
gonna open for Sonny and Cher.

He barely drinks alcohol.

How'd you pull that off?

[sighs]

Anyone ever tell you
you're a real piece of shit?

Yeah.
I stopped counting.

We haven't processed you yet.

If you were released now,
it's like it never happened.

You serious?

I mean, I can make my gig.

This offer
doesn't extend to him.

♪ lightly edgy music ♪

I'm good with that.

Ralph, Ralph.

It was me bringing up
your Vietnam shit

that got you out of here.

Come on, you gotta--

you gotta get somebody, Ralph.

Don't leave me in here.

Ralph, please,
come on, Ralph.

You're on your own,
Jack.

♪♪

[background chatter]

♪ somber music continues ♪

♪♪

Buy you a drink, sailor?

[scoffs]
Seriously, again?

What are you talking about?

I don't know if someone told you
that I'm dying or something,

but save your good works.

It's a fucking beer, Bill.

And the agent the other night?

I was throwing you a bone.

You think I need you
to throw me a bone?

Did you come out
of the womb an asshole?

[chuckles]

Go fuck yourself.

Jesus, no wonder Cassie
dumped your ass.

- What the--
- Oh, motherfucker.

Oh, you pussy,
I barely touched you.

Jesus Christ, Nick.

Oh, fuck, not now.

Come on.

[Tom] Anyway,

days blurred
when I was drinkin'.

Holidays, birthdays.

Now that I'm sober,

they're all too clear.

It sure was a lot
easier to face your day

when you weren't sure what
day it was you were facin'.

Hey.
You wanna go up?

Hi, uh, my name's Ron

and I, uh...

My name is Ron

and I-I-I'm not an alcoholic.

[murmuring]

Uh, believe me,

I wish I was because
then at least I could point to

something I was successful at.

[exhales]

Here's some rigorous honesty.

I have been coming here
to work on my stand-up comedy.

I've been using all you
as guinea pigs

while I stand up here
and make up stories--

Jokes. I make up jokes

about being an alcoholic.

[clears throat]

It's fucking pathetic.

I have no idea what it is

I'm-I'm doing anymore.

Wait, Ron.

What?

You sure that's
all you wanted to share?

Oh.
Yeah, um...

I'm really sorry.

No, no.

What I mean is

maybe you need to be here.

So why not use this room
as it was intended,

a place to share
your truth?

My truth.

[exhales]

[exhales] Um...

Okay. Well...

when I was in high school,

I was this overweight dork.

And, I mean,
I had some friends, but

I was never what
you'd describe as "popular."

Um, I ate alone a lot.
Like-like a real lot.

And I guess
I've always kind of thought

if I could be
this, uh, this other thing,

like this-this better,
funny thing,

uh, that-that people
would treat me different,

you-you know, be nicer
or whatever.

And-and you know, and if--
if this better

[sniffs]
if this better, funny thing

was really special,

you know, it could--
it could...

it could
get you out of there.

And people-people
would see you

as that thing.

You know, instead of this thing.

♪ somber music ♪

Um...

♪♪

But--
Ha.

But now I know that
there is no other thing.

And it scares the shit
out of me.

You know, just knowing
that this--

this identity that I

banked on

giving my life its meaning

was bullshit.

[sniffs]

It's all bullshit.

And all that's left

is me.

♪♪

That's all.

You still clap.

[sniffs]
Thank you.

[Nick] Am I right or am I right?
[Bill] You're wrong.

House of Pies is
way better than this shit.

[Nick] Are you fuckin' kidding?
[Bill] No, I'm dead serious.

[Nick] You're not even
eating the crust.

The crust is the best part.

[Bill] Because I don't
like to eat shit.

[Nick] This is the only reason
I come back to Los Angeles.

- [Nick] Mmm.
- [Bill] If you're done

with your pie now,
can we go to the hospital

and get your fucking arm
looked at?

Jesus, Mom.
I told you, it's a cyst.

Can you just relax?

I'm overreacting?

- Yeah.
- I hit you in the arm,

and you howl
like I found your G-spot.

- [laughs]
- Come on.

Where's--hey.

Thank you.

[Muzak playing]

[smacking lips]

What are you doing?

Don't worry about it.

- Oh.
- A little for Mr. William.

And a little for Nicky.

Whoops.

Hey, look, I'm sorry about
what I said about, uh,

Cassie dumping you.

Yeah, I'm sorry that you
got the world by the balls,

but you're too much
of a fuck-up to cash in.

[whispers] Wow.

Just so you know, that is not
how you get in my pants.

No?

All right, let's go
to the doctor; I got shit to do.

Man, [scoffs]

What?

What are you
so fucking pissed off about?

You really resent
my success that much?

Your success?
[scoffs]

Maybe I just
don't think you're funny.

Tell that to Carson.

And we all have

our special little gifts,
don't we, Nick?

Look, I'm so much
fucking funnier than you.

And you just so happen
to be better than me

at being in the right place
at the right time.

- Hm.
- Plus you didn't get the couch.

They ran long.

Fuckin' Joan Embery.

What's that tell ya?

Carson would rather have
a three-toed sloth

piss all over his jacket

then spend ten seconds
chatting with you.

You really think
you're funnier than me?

The fucking Zapruder film
is funnier than you, Nick.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

'Cause I always thought
the beginning kind of meandered.

Excuse me, uh, Doris?

Would you solve
something for us?

If we both tell you a joke, will
you let us know who's funniest?

Who's paying?

He is.

She's the funniest.

Yeah.

[overlapping low argument]

[chuckling] Oh.

I told you I got a new tranny
for my car.

Yeah, I didn't know they were
putting them on the outside now.

- Yeah, they are.
- Hey, blue eyes.

You looking for a date?

Oh-ho, I'm all set,
but thank you, Scrotum O'Neil.

[laughter]

I loved Paper Moon.
You funny.

Ooh, two for two, baby.

That's not fucking funny--
Ask me on a date.

Oh, you want a date, Red?

You know what?
I would, but I promised myself

I would not get involved
with another woman

whose cock is bigger than mine.

[laughter]

- Good one.
- Hey, all beef,

if I wanted to pay 20 bucks
to get fucked in the ass,

I'd just buy a ticket to
a Loggins and Messina concert.

[laughter]

Yeah, I do want to
take you out on a date.

Me, you, and a quiet table
at the Hollywood free clinic.

- What do you say, huh?
- Ooh.

- No?
- Ooh.

I mean, I thought
that was funny.

- Thanks, man. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, if it's a loveless fuck
you're looking for,

maybe it's time you finally
call your father back.

- Ooh.
- Shit.

That's your daddy
he's talking about.

- Okay, okay, stop.
You both funny.

Yeah, we know we're both funny,
but who's funnier?

Well, shit,

junkie's the funniest, I guess.

- What'd you call me?
- Hey, man, back up.

- I ain't judging.
- Yeah? Fuck you, cocksucker.

[knife flicks]
And fuck you, motherfucker.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Look at your arm, man.

It's abscessed--it's comin'
through your shirt.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry
to give away your secret.

Yeah? Fuck you.

All right, you know what?
Nobody's funny.

- How bout that, okay?
- No, no.

Let your bitch-ass friend go.

I'll cut his motherfucking
junkie throat.

Hey, hey,
get in the fucking car.

All right, thank you, ladies.
Have a good night.

Enjoy the repercussions
of your life decisions.

The truth is

you're both some unfunny,
sorry-ass faggots.

Quite a compliment.
Thank you so much.

That's the damn truth,
bitch.

[Nick] Why don't you go suck off
the rest of The Supremes?

- I got you some Supremes...
- You look like Jimi Hendrix

with fetal alcohol syndrome,
you motherfucker!

[tranny]
Yeah, any fuckin' time!

I, for one, am okay with
women breastfeeding in public.

As long as they're okay
with me watching.

[laughter]
Speaking of watching...

[Cassie] Man, I could get used
to having this many people here.

You deserve it.

Your stuff's great.

You're gonna kill.

Thank you.

For what?

Oh, for being such a nice guy.

[Gabe] Ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Cassie Feder.

You ever think that maybe
I'm not that nice a guy?

Not for a second.

[applause]

Whoo!

[Cassie] Gabe Schwartz,
ladies and gentlemen.

[applause]

[Cassie] So I'm sure
you can tell where I'm from.

- [Bill] It's good?
- [Nick] Yeah.

- Hey?
- Hm?

You're bleeding again.

You want me to take you
to that emergency room

or should we get ice cream
this time?

I'm good.

You know, that shit
turned Lenny Bruce

into a strung-out
court stenographer.

Not that I'm comparing you

in any way, shape, or form
to Lenny.

Can't all be Soupy Sales, Bill.

[chuckles]

It's a fucking crutch.

You don't need it.

[Nick exhales] Pain is
essential, and you know it.

All we are
is agony as art.

Who the fuck talks like that?

[laughs] Really?

Nobody gives a fuck
about the depths of your soul.

♪ Lou Reed's
"Perfect Day" plays ♪

It's about funny.

It's about money, fame,

and getting laid by women
way out of our league.

♪ Just a perfect day... ♪

Spoken like a true hack.

Well, so what?

I'm supposed to be
like you and Clay?

Shooting fucking heroin
and then jump in front of a bus

just as the spotlight hits?

♪ When it gets dark
we go home... ♪

You don't deserve any
of the good that's falling

into your aggressively
untalented lap.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

Clay was an accident.

[scoffs]

♪ Feed animals in the zoo ♪

Don't be a fucking idiot, Nick.

♪ Then later... ♪

Clay walked against the light

and jumped in front of
a speeding bus.

People saw it.

♪♪

♪ Oh it's such a perfect day ♪

You're a fucking cunt, Nick.

[unzips pants]

A real asshole.

♪ Oh such a perfect day ♪

Which probably means
we'll be friends for life.

So wake the fuck up.
[urinating]

Be funny.

Not everyone cares

about the darkness
that keeps you up at night.

All right, that's my time.
You guys have been great.

Thank you.

♪ Just a perfect day ♪

[Gabe] Keep it going,
ladies and gentlemen.

♪ Problems all left alone ♪

[chuckling]

Hi.
How are you, sweetheart?

Good.
Whatever joke he just told you

that you were laughing at,

just know he probably stole it.

Okay?
Have a good night.

♪ Oh it's such a perfect day ♪

[Kenny] Excuse me.
Excuse me, please move.

Get the fuck out of the way--

♪ I'm glad I spent it
with you ♪

♪ Oh such a perfect day... ♪

More demand for the Cellar
tonight

than there is for the main room.

You are gonna get me in so much
trouble with the fire marshal.

Spending more time killing it
in the Cellar than Norman Bates.

[Fitzy] This next kid, he's
like a Raisin in the Sun to me.

Give it up for Adam Proteau,
give it up, everybody.

Come on, Adam.

♪♪

Whoo!

♪♪

♪ You're going to reap... ♪

Oh, shit, now.

♪ Just what you sow ♪

♪ song concludes ♪

Six, though, six?

We saw six Ping-Pong balls
come out of her vagina.

- Shut up.
- Here's the real trick though.

The seventh one
came out of her asshole.

[laughs]

I'm serious.

Hey.

What the fuck was that, huh?

- Uhh!
- Oh, shit!

- Oh, oh.
- Hey-hey-hey-hey.

Hey, hey,
what the hell was that for, huh?

He stole my joke!

He didn't steal your shitty
joke, that's in your head.

You're the last person who knows
what's in my fucking head, okay?

You think you're
some great mystery, kid, huh?

You think I don't know
you're trying to fuck Cassie?

- Fuck you I am--
- Fuck me?

Hey, hey.

[man] Oh, shit.

Hey, enough, enough.

You both got your licks in.
Jesus, Kenny--

- Fucking little putz!
- Hey.

[spits]

I didn't know he's
moving on your girlfriend, Bill.

You know what?
I'm glad.

I'm glad I stole
your shitty little joke!

[Kenny] Fuck.

What?

Fuck him, man.

Only scum tries
to steal another guy's girl.

But you did steal his joke?

Yeah, it wasn't even
that good of a joke, man.

Some stupid
fucking baseball thing.

You know what?
Not one call,

not one call
complimenting me on it.

Oh!

♪ The Majestic's
"Funky Chick" plays ♪

Hey, you don't steal another
guy's fucking joke, asshole.

Ow, Nick!

Nicky.
Ah, Nicky.

- Fucking thief.
- Ah, no-no-no--

[Kenny groaning]

- Come here.
- But, Red, man...

Where you going, huh?

- Oh!
- Okay-okay-okay-

Billy, Billy--

Ah! Oh--

So, uh, who we kicking?

[Cassie] Hey.
What happened?

Are you okay?

♪♪

We're not friends.

That's what happened.

[Kenny yelling
in background]

♪♪

You okay?

Maggie, as it stands
right now,

any more warmth and kindness
from you,

and I might slit my wrists,
so...

- I'm sorry about earlier.
- No, I'm...

I shouldn't have
blown up on ya.

I'm sorry, Ronnie,
I was a bitch.

And I promise from now on

I will always
wear pants at breakfast.

Please don't.

Breakfast is only the most
important meal of the day

'cause you show up to it
pants-less.

[giggles]

Mmm.

Actually looks kind of yummy.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

♪ soft music ♪

♪♪

Interesting.

[both chuckle]

My mom always used to
make 'em for me

when I'd have a bad day.

Mm, for me
it was grape ZaRex.

Mm. It's funny how
sometimes those little things

can make you forget.

Forget what?

I don't know.

Everything.

Don't let the shit
get you down, Ronnie.

You gotta ease up, okay?

As my dad used to say,

"Good things happen
when you lighten your grip."

Obviously he wasn't masturbating
when he said that.

[chuckles]

No. [giggles]

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.

Whoa.

You might want to wheel
that delivery back out of here.

Unless it's Christmas.

Uh, is this King Theodore's?

Yeah, you got
the right place,

but, uh, I, uh,

I can't afford to
pay you right now, hoss.

No need.
It's already paid.

♪ Booker T. & The MG's
"Green Onions" plays ♪

Who the fuck is Barton Royce?

♪♪