All language subtitles for How To Get Girls

(triumphant music)

- [Zach] And once again,
Metro City finds itself

at the hands of the
evil Professor Phantom.

- [Ben] But just when
all hope is lost,

out of nowhere comes the
Amazing Duo to save the day.

- [Zach] Oh, look
who came to play.

Do you really think you
two buffoons can stop me?

Hey, what the hell, Ben?

- What?

- Why did you draw
my dick so small?

- What are you talking about?

- My bulge.

Look how much smaller
it is than yours.

And besides, I shouldn't even
be wearing pants in the comic.

- Why wouldn't you wear pants?

- Think about it.

Why do you think no one
ever fucked with Superman?

- Yeah, but--

- Because he wasn't
wearing any pants.

- But he still wore tights.

- Yeah, and imagine
if he didn't.

Do you think anyone would
have tried to fight him

if his dick was just
dangling out there?

No, it would be weird.

- Alright, whatever man.

Just, just be happy.

We just finished the first
chapter in our comic.

- I know, this is insane.

- And if we're lucky,
maybe we'll get to meet

the one and only

- [Both] Stan Lee.

- The comic book legend.

Dude, I can't believe
you're actually leaving.

Can't your dad go to
Antarctica without you?

- I told you, I have no choice.

My dad's setting up some
kind of research base there.

- When do you have
to leave again?

- 20 minutes.

- Do you think we
have enough time?

(uptempo electronic music)

(keyboard clicking)

(speaking foreign language)

- [Zach] The
internet is awesome.

- Mr. Diaz, good morning.

- Hello Linda.

I'm here to pick up Ben.

- Boys.

- Holy shit, the Panga
sisters are so hot.

I wish we could jerk
off to them every day.

- We do jerk off
to them every day.

- Let's take off our tops.
- Okay.

- [Ad Narrator] We're your
guys, guys, guys, guys.

(boys screaming)

- Can I get you a drink?

- No, we're in a pretty
big rush for our flight

and it's 9:30 in the AM.

- Mom, Zach borrowed my
scissors and now there's

little curly hairs
all over them.

- They grow up so fast.

- I'm going to go grab Ben.

- Dude, why aren't they working?

- I don't know.

- Why aren't we stopping?

- I don't know.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Let go.

- Ben, we need to get--

- This is my keyboard.

- My porn.

- Ben, why is your dick out?

- Zach, why are there...

Mom!

- Ben, come on.

We got to move.

- Wait, Ben.

Here, you should
take this with you.

- Really?

But Zach--

- The only thing that's
left is to finish

drawing the pictures
and you're way better

at that than I am anyway.

- Ben, we got to go.

- You're my best friend, man.

I'm going to miss you.

- I promise, I'll
call you every day.

- Promise?

- Promise.

- We got to go, now.

(car tires screeching)

- Ben, enough of this
coloring book crap.

You need to grow up.

- [Zach] So long, friend.

(slow guitar music)

(children playing and laughing)

Kimberly Somers.

The Kimberly Somers.

Man, what I wouldn't
do to touch her boobs.

(clown laughing)

- Nice shirt, nerd.

- Hey Christian.

- What?

Didn't get the invite to
Kimberly's party again?

Faggot.

- What's a faggot?

- That's it.

Everything changes today.

By the time Ben gets
back, I'm going to be

the most popular
kid in the grade.

I'm going to touch
Kimberly Somer's boobs

and I'm going to get girls.

(clown laughing)

Stop it.

Who are you?

- [Female] Oh yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh yeah.

(uptempo music)

- Today's the big day.

- Did you use my scissors
to cut your pubes again?

- Well I certainly
wasn't going to use mine.

- Ugh, sick.

If you do it again,
I swear to God--

- Hey, Marissa, can
you please put on a bra

before you talk to me?

- Awww, but this is the
closest thing you'll ever get

to seeing a girl's boobs.

Thanks for pointing that
out though, dipshit.

- Yeah, that's
what's pointing out.

- Oh, fuck you.

- Suck my dick.

- What did you just say to me?

- I said suck my dick.

- Mom!

Dad!

- Sweetie, what's wrong?

Is everything okay?

- No, Zach just asked
me to suck his dick.

- Wait, what?

- Zach, what the hell
is wrong with you?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a second.

- Is everything okay in here?

What's going on?

- Your son just asked Marissa
to perform oral sex on him.

- Jesus Christ
Zach, is that true?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't
ask her to suck my dick.

I told her to suck my dick.

(all screaming)

- You're going right back
in therapy, young man.

- Do you still have
Dr. Clark's number?

Oh shit, it's on
my old cell phone.

- [Linda And Marissa] Oh, God!

- You're going to give
your mother a stroke

and you know that runs on
her side of the family.

Fucking sick of this.

- Yeah, yeah.

(Marissa screaming)

- It's okay, it's okay.

I saved the number for
situations like this.

(whispering) Fuck you.

- [Linda] Damn you Zach.

(bell ringing)

- How literature
could change history.

Does anybody have
an answer for that?

I know I sure as hell don't.

I wrote that last week.

Kids,

I'm sorry.

Something terrible happened.

You all know our beloved
drama teacher, Mr. Trainor.

He was on safari in Africa
and he was mauled by a monkey.

He has virtually no face.

So it would be very
difficult for him to teach

comedy and drama because it
all just looks like this.

But the thing of it is,

they want me

to direct this season's
version of "The Sound of Music"

in his place.

Thank you.

This could lead to so many
big things in my life.

- Zachary.

- I could be doing
a Toyota commercial

after I do--

- Zachary.

- [Mr. Pomenteer] My version--

- Zachary.

- Hey, Zachary.

- What?

Oh, um, sorry,
sorry Mr. Pomenteer.

- Where was I?

You know, there's a lot of
similarity to the Sound of Music

and Mein Kampf.

(slow guitar music)

- Kimberly Somers.

- Little battles that--

- Hey, Mr. P, sorry I'm late.

- Do you have a note?

- No, it was a
woman's health issue.

- Okay, no need to
say another thing.

I've got three daughters.

Here honey, does this help?

- Oh, um, no, I think
I've got it covered.

Uh, thank you.

- Okay.

(Mr. Pomenteer coughing)

- Those bosoms, I'd eat the
chips from her knickers.

- You know she uses the period
excuse like twice a week.

- What?

Dude, Duffy, she's
not on her period.

She's ovulating.

Look how big her boobies are.

- Did you get the invitation
to her birthday party?

- No.

- You know it's in
three weeks, right?

- I'm aware you Irish dumbass.

Don't worry, I'm going to get
invited to Kimberly Somers

birthday party and once
I hook up with her,

all my problems will be solved.

- Lad, do you have a boner?

- No.

- You're totally
chubbed up right now.

- What?

No, I'm not.

- I can see it.

- Hey, excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Could you guys please
shut the fuck up.

What is so God damn
important that you two

have to talk to each other?

My vodka.

Is there something
you'd like to share

with everybody up here?

- Uh, no, no, no.

- Come on, now.

Let's go.

Go, oh, oh, oh.

I want you to stand right here,
in front of the entire class

and tell me about the
lend lease program.

Come on, stand right there.

Go ahead, proceed.

- Um.

Well, you see, um, the lend--

- Right.

Well, that's really interesting.

What are you doing?

Have you been taking notes on--

(class gasping)

(class laughing)

You're telling me that my
Powerpoint presentation

on World War two
gives you a hard on?

- [Male Student] Dude
got a chubby from Hitler.

- [Student Two] Faggot.

- [Student Three] Seriously
guys, what's a faggot.

- [Female Student] Is it just
me or is Hitler kind of cute?

- [Student Four] Needle dick.

- [Student Five]
Look how small it is.

- [Duffy Voiceover] Is now
an appropriate time to fart?

It's not about the size
of the dog in the fight,

it's about the size of
the fight in the dog.

(class laughing)

That's Mark Twain, guys, in
case you're taking notes.

(bell ringing)

- God, if you're listening,
then why'd you invent boners?

Fucking idiot.

So stupid.

Stall of fame.

(suspenseful music)

That's it.

- [Principal Bowen] What
smells like pot in here?

- Oh, shit.

- Oh, it's me.

Zach, is this your knife?

- No.

- It's got your name on it.

- Listen, if you're thinking
about killing yourself,

don't do it at
school, big liability.

- Noted.

Why aren't you using
the faculty bathroom?

- I'm the principal.

I can take a dump
wherever I want to.

Last week, I took a shit
in the gym bleachers.

Big one too.

You can see it on Pinterest.

Yeah, I just like to come
in here from time to time,

check out the wall, see
how my students are doing.

Oh, Nico Carrino,
two new tallies.

Not bad.

Ah, Adam Chirnu,
one new tally, nice.

Christian Peterson, holy shit.

Six new tallies.

Christian, that's my boy.

- Aww, thanks Principal Bowen.

- Probably banged those
girls on that ski trip.

- Everyone's fucking
looking at you.

Just go fucking pee.

Fuck.

- He's a cool guy.

Why can't you be cool?

- Genetics?

- Yeah, probably.

Oh, that reminds me,
I need to see you

in my office immediately.

- Can I wipe first?

- Yes.

- This has been a weird day.

- Zach, I'm sure you're aware of

why I asked you to come here.

- I swear my boner and
the Holocaust thing

were completely unrelated.

- What?

No, I called you in to talk
about the stall of fame.

- Oh, yeah, of course, that.

- One of my jobs as
principal is to make sure

that all of my
students are satisfied

and I'm sure that you've
seen that you're the only boy

in the school with no
tallies next to your name.

Now, this may feel
a bit personal but,

are you saving
yourself for marriage?

- Oh, are you asexual, because
I have a pamphlet for that.

- No, no, no, of course not.

- Erectile dysfunction?

- No, it's none of those.

Just

there's so many
guys at this school

Why would a girl ever
hook up with Zach Fox?

- Zach, you've got
so much to offer.

The book report you wrote
on The Great Gatsby,

totally changed my
perspective on the frailty

in a post war optimism.

- You read that?

Wow, alright.

Yeah, maybe I do have what
it takes to get girls.

- Well, you better
get a move on because

we're redoing the
bathroom in about a month

and that stall of fame
is going to be gone.

- Wait, seriously?

- Yeah, seriously.

Make a move on those girls, bro.

How are things at home?

- I mean, the divorce
has been pretty damaging.

- [Principal Bowen] I know.

- You know my
parents are divorced?

- You know how on a
laptop, people are paranoid

that people can see through
the camera on your computer?

- You got a pretty nice house.

You want me to
call your parents?

- No, no, no, no, can
you do that over this?

- Do you want to find out?

- No.

- Voice cracked.

- Yeah, I'm going
through puberty.

- That should have
happened a long time ago.

- Boys develop at
different times

and boys often develop
later than girls, too, so--

- Oh, now I'm getting a
biology lesson from you?

- A dude that gets a
boner to the Holocaust

is going to lecture
me on biology?

- No, I--

- You're the weirdo
in this situation.

- I'm just saying that like--

- Alright, that's it young man.

Now go!

Go get some girls!

- Okay, okay, I'll try.

I think you just stapled
by butt cheeks together.

- Another life changed.

Just like that.

Erectile dysfunction.

Yep, I know you well.

(bell ringing)

- Get off of me.

- Get off me.

- Stupid dork.

that golden ticket, I know I
would get in Kimberly's party

and I would kill it.

- Golden ticket?

Is Kimberly's party at
a chocolate factory?

anymore, this is America
and in American high school,

if you're not hot, you need
something else to get popular.

Look at Kyle Koontz.

That kid looks like
Jay Leno's niece,

but ever since he scored
that game winning touchdown,

he's had girls lining
up to sit on his face.

Christian Peterson is
a literal piece of shit

but gets it in because
his dad owns the Phillies.

Joe Mitchhack only slams clam
because he's the number one

drug dealer on the main line.

Brian Delgoti only crushes
puss because he doesn't

know he's gay yet.

Kevin Myers would have
never found Punarnia

if he wasn't internet famous.

And Ezra Sully didn't
start getting laid

until his parents died.

- Yeah, it would have been
her birthday one month

from next Friday.

- [Girls] Awww.

- Man, that guy is so lucky.

So how do girls get to Punarnia?

- What?

What do you mean?

- Like, how do they get laid?

- I mean, they
just like, choose.

- Like out of a hat?

- No, Duffy, they
just like pick.

It's like different for girls.

- Look.

Kimberly's coming.

Go.

Make her your wife.

- Stop it.

- Hey, Kimberly.

Kimbo.

Kimmy Schmidt.

Kim Jong-un.

Kim Possible.

- It's Kimberly.

- Right, right, right, yeah.

So anyway um, a
little birdie told me

you're having a birthday
party in a few weeks.

- I don't know what party
you're talking about.

- Oh, my God, Kimberly,
I just got the invitation

to your birthday party
and I'm so excited.

It's going to be awesome.

Kisses.

What the, no.

- Okay, bye.

See, see you Trish.

- No, doesn't ring a bell.

- Hello, Kimberly.

Zach tells me you're
ovulating, congratulations.

- Alright, N237, right?

- [Ben] Yes, that's it.

- Cool.

Anyway, dude, I'm so
fucking excited to see you.

I can't believe it's
been five years.

- [Ben] I know man.

I missed you so much.

The amazing duo--

- Is back in action.

It's nuts, dude.

I don't even know what you've
been up to all these years.

You never got a
Facebook or called.

- [Ben] Uh, yeah, we
really didn't have

much internet and stuff.

- Right.

- [Ben] Hey, the bus
is pulling up now.

Do you see me?

- Uh, nope.

- [Ben] Yeah, I'm walking down
the aisle of it right now,

I'll be out in just a second.

- Okay.

- [Ben] I just walked off
the bus now, do you see me?

- Just not seeing any...

(chanting music)

(hair swishing)

- Dude, what's up?

- Ben.

You're so tall and pretty.

It looks like Michelangelo
sculpted you himself.

Your jawline is
completely symmetrical.

How did this happen?

- I lost a little bit of weight.

- Are those pecs?

- Uh.
- Are those pecs?

- I, yeah, I think so.

You okay?

- Ah, fuck.

- You okay?

Hey, did you see the shirt?

Look, you see?

You got yours on, right?

- Uh, no.

- Zach, I'm just so
excited to see you.

I've spent the past
five years drawing

all the pictures
in our comic book.

Everything looks amazing.

You're going to love
what I've done to it.

I can't wait to show you.

It's going to be so amazing.

I'm so happy we're
back together.

I've missed you.

What kind of steroids are they
giving people in Antarctica?

- Where are you going?

- Well, I talked to Dr.
Clark this afternoon

and he said he's going to
be able to fit Zach in.

- Well, that's great.

As long as he can keep
his hands off relatives,

he should be okay.

- Zach?

Zach!

- Hey dipshit, look up.

Dad's talking to you.

- Oh, um, sorry guys.

I'm a little out of it today.

- Why?

What's wrong?

Oh, and how was seeing
Ben after so long?

- That's just it, I don't
uh, know if it's going to

work out between the
two of us anymore.

- Ew, gross, you sound
like you two are fucking.

- Marissa, they're not fucking.

- They might be.

- You're not fucking right Zach?

- No, it's not that.

- What is he one of these
stuck up Antarctic pricks now?

(Marty laughing)

- No, he's just physically
a lot different.

- What did his like
little boy titties

grow into full on man boobs?

- No, it's like the
opposite actually.

He got like, really attractive.

Really, really fucking hot.

- Okay, yeah, they're
like definitely fucking.

- We're not fucking guys.

He grew like 10 feet and
developed enormous muscles.

He looks like the Mark
Ruffalo Hulk fucked Thor

and then had a little
Hulk baby and then

that baby fucked the
Edward Norton Hulk

and had his Hulk love child.

- Honey, you're
good looking, too.

- He's okay.

He's like a five, six tops.

- Oh fuck off Dad.

You have no say in
this house anymore.

You and mom got divorced
three years ago.

Move the fuck out.

- You move the fuck out.

- Why would I move out?

I'm not the one
who cheated on Mom.

- You did cheat on her twice.

- Shut the fuck up, Gary.

You're a terrible stepdad.

- He's actually a
really good stepdad.

- Guys, listen, alright.

I don't think you get it.

It's not me who decides
who I'm friends with,

it's the universe.

It's the law of attraction.

Attractive people attract
other attractive people.

Then those attractive
people have sex,

make more attractive
people who are also only

This goes on year after year,
generation after generation,

until the Kardashians are the
last people left on Earth.

God, fuck!

- Uh, honey, could
you, uh, pass the peas?

- Uh, uh, honey, could
you please pass the,

shut the fuck up, Gary!

Does this picture of your sister

arouse you?

- No.

- How about this one here?

- No, but did you get
that from Facebook?

- Let's leave the psychoanalysis
to the professionals,

shall we?

- Okay, so here's the deal.

I need you to maintain at
lease five feet behind me.

Most people at this school
don't even know we're related

and I would like to
keep it like that.

Fuck me in my pajamas.

Who is that guy?

- I told you, that's Ben.

- Hey new guy.

- Oh, my God.

He's like, so hot.

- Yeah's he's
pretty good looking.

- Oh, God, no, he's like the
hottest guy I've ever seen.

- How many guys have you seen?

- He looks like Thor, but
like ethnically ambiguous.

- [Zach] What?

a George Foreman grill
and then eat that dick,

covered in honey mustard.

You know?

- No.

- Oh man.

Like, his face was
like, created by

the dark magic of Voldemort.

- [Zach] These are really
specific references.

- I want to sit on
that magic face.

You know what I mean?

- Still no.

- I want to reenact the
Notebook except we're naked

and then maybe we shit on
each other if it feels right.

We'll make it work.

I don't think it's going to
work out between you guys.

Hang tight.

- Mom, open the trunk, I
got to get my lacrosse bag.

Mom, pop the trunk, I got
to get my lacrosse bag.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

- [Female Announcer] Ethan
Fine to the nurse's office.

Your test results are in
and it rhymes with flirpies.

Thank you.

- Uh oh.

- Hey, what's up man?

What's up?

- Oh.

Okay, you're kind of heavy.

All right, all right, yeah.

This is great.

Whoa, no, head that way.

- Ben, look, I think
you're a really awesome guy

and you have so
much going for you.

I just feel we've gone our
separate ways and maybe it's

best that we move on.

- Who's Ben?

- He's my best
friend, I told you.

- I thought I was
your best friend.

- Dude, you are my best friend.

- Zach!

- But get over there.

- [Duffy] Ow, me lucky charms.

- Zach, dude, I've been
looking for you everywhere.

So, I started
doing some research

when I got back last night.

I found out there's this
Comic Con contest in Dover

for best new original comic.

Anybody can submit their stuff.

The finalists get
to go to Comic Con

and have their comic book
judged by the one and only

Stan Lee.

Ow.

- Are you okay?

- Dude, I just got a head rush.

- Ben, look.

I think you're a
really awesome guy.

You have so much--

- Hey.

You're new here right?

- Uh, well, yeah, no.

I'm not new.

Like, I used to go here,
but not, not here here.

Um, I, my school's
in Antarctica.

And Zach and I used to be best
friends when we were younger.

We're still really good
friends but uh, we went

to school when we
were younger together.

- That's cool.

My friend Christian Peterson
is having an ABC party

on Thursday, you
should totally come.

- Oh, well, thank you, but uh,

Zach and I are going to be
working on our comic book

- Oh, okay, well, I'll
just give you my number

and you can hit me up
if you decide to go.

Oh, and you can bring your
friend too if you want.

- Dude, so, anyways,
Stan Lee is going to pick

his favorite comic book--

- [Jessica Voiceover]
Oh, and you can bring

your friend too if you want.

- Ben, did you hear
what she just said?

- Oh, yeah, I know right.

We'd never go to
that jerk's party.

- Ben, we have to go.

We're talking Christian
Peterson here.

The dude had a three
way with freshmen

in college in middle school.

- T'reeways are awesome.

I've always wanted to have one.

- Duffy get the
fuck out of here.

- I'd rather just work
on our comic book.

- Look, Ben, you're hot now
and when life gives you lemons,

you make lemonade.

- I don't know, Zach.

- Ben, think about it.

- Zach, I'm just
not into that stuff.

You know, the partying,
the girls, the lemonade.

And just what, we're just
going to go get drunk

with a bunch of
people who aren't

- Ben, with great looks
comes great responsibility.

I'm going to be working
on this comic book we've

dreamed about finishing
since we were kids.

- Ben.

- Well, I guess it's
just you and me, buddy.

- Don't touch me
fat Ron Weasley.

- Wait!

- Back up.

- Get out of here.

- Let's take a picture.

You like that?

Go check that.

- Let me see, let me see.

- Go check it.

- Let's do it again.

Wait, back up.

- [Zach] And once again,
Metro city finds itself

at the hands of the
evil Professor Phantom.

- [Ben] Just when all hope
is lost, out of nowhere

comes the Amazing
Duo to save the day.

- [Zach] Oh, look
who came to play.

Do you really think you
two buffoons can stop me?

- [Mr. Diaz] Ben, you in there?

- Uh, just a second.

- Hey, what the hell
are you doing in there?

- Uh, just one minute.

- Benjamin open up
the God damn door.

- Hang on.

- Were you, were you
masturbating in here?

- Uh, yeah, yeah, that's
exactly what I was doing, Dad.

That's exactly what I was doing.

- Ben, have a seat.

We need to have a talk.

Listen, Ben you are a
good-looking kid now.

You should be out
in the real world.

Hell, when I was your age, I
was with a new girl every week.

- Dad.

- Look, all I'm saying
is this is high school.

Make it count.

Don't sit around with Zach
all day playing with dolls.

It's a waste of time.

You hear me?

- Actually Dad, things
are a lot different

between Zach and I now.

We're going to be going
to Christian Peterson's

party on Thursday.

- The lacrosse player?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Didn't he have a three-way
with some college freshmen

when he was still
in middle school?

- How did you know that?

- PTA meeting.

Well.

Good to see you
getting out there,

putting the family
name to good use.

- Thanks Dad.

- Hey, uh,

I want you to have this.

Your grandfather gave this
to me when I was your age

and his father gave it to him.

You shouldn't actually use it.

It's 80 years old and
made out of horse fur.

It's just for good luck.

- Uh, thanks Dad.

Hey, Zach, I've changed my mind.

I'm in.

- [Zach] Hello?

Ben?

- Hello?

- [Zach] Ben, are you there?

- Hello?

- [Zach] Hey, hello?

- Zach.

- [Zach] Ben?

- I'm--

- Dude, I'm so glad you're in.

This is everything
we've ever dreamed of.

- I know, it should be fun.

- Oh, my God, we're going to go

to Christian's party, get girls.

Ben, if we do well
enough, we'll probably

get invited to Kimberly's
birthday party.

- Heck yeah.

I'm just happy I'm able to
spend more time with you.

- Dude, we're going to be
drowning in so much pussy,

we're going to need snorkels.

Ben, we're probably going
to get on the stall of fame.

- Wait, what's the stall?

I, I don't get it.

Like, who keeps
track of all of this?

- No one knows.

All we know is that when
a guy gets with a girl,

a tally shows up
next to his name.

Look, you're on it too now.

You and me, we're the only
people without any marks.

- High school is so weird.

(intercom screeching)

- [Announcer] My
apologies, Ethan Fine,

you do not have flirpies.

Thank you.

- God, the lines at
the urinal get so long

during lunch time.

- Oh, hey, nobody's
using the middle one.

- Wait, Ben, what are you doing?

Ben, get back here.

- What are you doing bro?

- Um, I'm peeing.

- Bro, you trying
to look at my dick?

- No.

- Bro, you trying
to look at his dick?

- Ew, no, no.

- Why, what's
wrong with my dick?

You think it's tiny
because I'm peeing

in the short urinal?

- No, I think you
have a great dick.

- Oh, so now you think
he's got a great dick?

- No, but you, you asked me.

- You're trying to give us each

hand jobs while we're peeing?

- How would that even work?

- What?

You think I'm stupid?

- No, I think--

- Hey, you're peeing on my shoe.

- Excuse me guys, he
doesn't know about

the middle urinal rule.

- That guy peed on me.

I can't believe he peed on me.

- Shut the fuck up, Ben.

- What just happened in there?

- You're not supposed to
use the middle urinal.

- What, why?

- Why?

Because there are just
unspoken rules of high school.

That's one of them.

- There's more?

- Of course.

Juniors can't park
in the Senior lot.

No one can ask the stoner about

their post-high school plans.

Everyone has to like an
attractive girl's pro pic.

- What happens if I don't?

- They'll find you.

- Oh, my God, we have a lot of
work to do before this party.

- Oh, boys.

That was a very
powerful performance.

How would the two of you
like to star in this fall's

rendition of the Sound of--

- What?

- Rendition of the Sound of
Music, which I am directing

myself because, unfortunately,
Mr. Trainor died,

which I had absolutely
nothing to do with.

- Mr. P, I can't hear you.

- Great, got some acoustical
problems to deal with here.

Okay, I said, how
would you like to--

(pop music)

- Alright, first things first,

you need to update
your wardrobe.

Ben, what are you
doing over there?

Come to the guys' section.

- How is that the guys',
there's skirts over there?

- It's 2017, bro.

- Sup bro?

- Okay now Ben, the
park is a great place

to learn to talk to girls.

Look, there's some
jogging over right now.

Check out their boob sweat.

Now, remember Ben,
it's important

to keep yourself well groomed.

- Oh, my fucking God.

Cataline, we're going
to need the lamb shears.

- [Barber] He looks like
the girl from the ring.

- Now, do you want to
have sex with this woman?

- Is that my grandma?

- How about now?

- Who's that?

- That is your grandmother
when she was 19 years old.

- What the fuck
is wrong with you?

- What are these called again?

- Jeggings.

Jean leggings, very
in right now buddy.

- I feel like I'm
wearing girls' pants.

- Yo, oh, whoa, excuse me.

Girls' pants?

What is this, 2010?

How dare you try to
impose the artificial

gender binary
constructed by society.

- Oh, my God.

Wow, it's crazy
seeing you guys again.

It's like we're stalking you.

No, I'm not, I'm not,

we, I'm not saying
we're stalking you

I'm, it's, it's like
we're stalking you.

- If you could be any animal,
would you fuck your sister.

Do you want to fuck
your sister or not?

- We're not like
murderers or anything.

I couldn't harm a fly.

That's not true.

I did actually kill
my neighbors dog once

but I was like five.

I ran it over with my bike.

I wasn't like drunk
driving or anything.

They got a new puppy and
that was a way cuter Maltese

than the first Maltese anyways
so, actually, it worked out.

in the world without
people like you, okay?

I happen to think that
diversity should be celebrated

not smothered, you fucking Jew.

- Officer, I don't understand
the misunderstanding.

The whole point is I was
saying we weren't stalking them

and just looked
exactly like we were.

- Oh hey there fellas.

- Duffy, what are
you doing here?

- I'm getting yoked
for the party.

- You're not going to the party

you fucking diabetic leprechaun.

- Yes I am, try and stop me.

- You're not going.

- Fuck you.

- [Zach] Fuck you.

- Fuck you.

- Fancy shoes,
ripped white jeans,

already wearing a condom.

- Be careful, sweetie.

- Alright mom.

- Make sure you're
home by midnight.

- All right, I will.

- And don't get stabbed by
one of those AIDS needles

I keep reading about
at those parties.

- [Zach] Not a real thing.

- School is so much
more fun nowadays.

- When are you moving out?

- When are you, shut
the fuck up, Gary!

(hip hop music)

- [Ben] How do I look?

- Perfect.

Like sexy Frankenstein.

- Get your asses in there, man.

It's fucking crazy in there.

- [Zach] Holy shit,
Christian's so wasted.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you're going?

- Just inside your party?

- Who do you know here?

- Uh, Jessica.

- Uh, yeah, Jessica Walters.

- Fuck yeah, dude.

Jessica's dope as fuck.

- Yeah, fuck yeah, man.

- I want you fuckers
in my party right now.

- Sick dude.

- Wait, what?
- What?

- Yeah, go to the bar and
take some fucking shots.

- Oh, yeah.

Of course.

- We'll play some pong,
grind on some bitches,

maybe same ones, maybe
different, but who gives a fuck.

- Yeah, who cares?

- But get the hell off
my porch before I knock

you both the fuck out.

- Uh, wait, what?

- Let's get a girl
pregnant tonight.

- I don't want to get a
girl pregnant tonight.

- Dude, I fucking bombed
the SATs last week.

I don't know if I'm
going to college.

- Yeah, the SATs
are really hard.

- They're, they're
not important.

Honestly, the ACT's are
where it's at right now.

- I don't even know how
to spell fucking orange.

- What?

What does that even mean?

You don't know how
to spell orange?

(Christian screaming)

(Zach and Ben fake screaming)

- Look at me in the eyes.

Look at me.

I want you two to be the
best men at my wedding.

Leave.

- Okay, good luck on the ACT's.

- Fuck.
- Dang it.

- God damn it, fucking shit.

- What's up, man?

- Slay dog, yeah.
- Alright.

- I'm glad you got rid
of those fucking nerds.

- Of course.

- Those guys, they
are not like us.

Losers.

- Fuck yeah, dude.

Get in there.

- God damn it.

- Darn it.

- Tits.
- Boobs.

- Alright, text Jessica and
tell her to come outside.

- I didn't save her number.

- What?

How did you tell
her we were coming?

- In person, like with my mouth.

- Mouth?

- That's it.

I'm going to have to
suck Christian's dick.

- What?

- I'm going to suck his dick.

It's our only shot of
getting on the stall of fame.

- Zach, he's not
even going want that.

- Why?

Why wouldn't he want that?

Is it because I'm ugly?

- No, Zach, I'm not saying--

- Is it because my
nipples are weird looking?

- No, Zach, your
nipples are fine.

- Is it because my
nipples are too small?

- No, they're, they're
really a good size.

It's just, it's--

- Why do men even have nipples?

(Christian snoring)

- You know, I was
totally kidding about

the whole dick sucking thing.

(dance music)

Excuse me, guys.

- Excuse me guys.

Excuse me, pardon me.

- [Party Guest] Move.

- [Party Guest Two]
You stepped on my toe.

- [Party Guest Three]
Stop pushing me.

Dude, chill.

- Sorry.

- Holy shit.

Oh my God, dude, this
is fucking awesome.

- [Ben] Do you think
there's any toilet paper

left in the bathroom?

- Wow.

- Why's everybody
humping each other?

- It's called grinding
and it's literally

the best invention ever.

- What?

- Just think about it, right?

No girl would say yes if
a guy just came up to her

and was like oh, could
I rub my covered crotch

all over your covered butt
until I cum a little bit?

With grinding, it's now
under the roof of dancing.

It's really a huge
feat in puberty.

- High school is so weird.

- Kimberly Somers.

Dude, let's go dance.

- Why don't we just wait
here a minute, you know?

Ease into it.

- Bosoms.
- Zach.

- Excuse me, yep, pardon
me, coming through.

- Ben!

Oh, my God.

You look good.

- Hey, Jessica.

- Hold me.

- How are you?

- Ben, what are you wearing?

- Uh, clothes?

- Ben, I told you
this is an ABC party.

- A what?

- Anything but clothes.

- Oh.

- Here, come with me.

- Uh, Zach.

- Come on.

- One time I got so
drunk, I accidentally

sent a tit pic to my mom.

- (laughs) That's nothing.

One time, I got so drunk I
sent a dick pic to my son.

Oh, he's blocked me.

(pop music)

- Dude, my parents
aren't actually dead.

- Really?

- One time I got so
drunk, I had a vasectomy.

I am infertile.

The strange thing is my wife
had three daughters after that.

Said it was an act of God.

You know, I have
an app on my phone,

I can change your grades.

- Bon appetit everyone.

Come and get your
fresh baked brownies.

Made by yours truly,
chef Boyarweed.

- Sup Jess?

- Sup Roger?

I'm trying to loosen him up.

- Nice, Ben.

Dude, sick ankles.

- I know, right?

- You must work out a ton.

- Uh, yeah, thanks.

- What can I get you big guy?

- Uh, well, uh.

Oh, you have mushrooms.

Are you making protein shakes?

- Yeah, made shroom
shots all day.

You want some?

- Uh, yeah, uh, I mean, sure.

Uh, mushrooms are like
my favorite vegetable.

Um, do you have asparagus
that you can put in there too?

Um.

- You're so funny.

- Dude, you're...

Asparagus.

- Like, where do
you even get this?

- Asparagus.

- It's like--

- Who even eats that stuff?

- Hey, where are you from?

- Um, well, I just moved
back from Antarctica.

- Dude, like, like Frozen.

- Oh, my God.

- I love that movie.

- Oh, my God.

- It's so cool how she
picks the nice guys.

In the end, stay the misogynist.

It's progressive as fuck.

- [Jessica] Totally.

- I'm going to put
some Molly in this.

- Uh yeah, uh who's Molly?

- Oh, my God.

I can't even deal with you.

Don't even look at
me, but look at me.

- One time, I got so drunk
I walked in on my wife

with three of my best friends.

She was, she was
going air tight.

Yeah, just a lot of trading
places and high-fiving.

- Is he cute?

- Ew, no.

- Sorry, we have to
go to the bathroom.

- Oh, okay, cool.

I like your trash bag.

Alright, plenty of fish
in the sea to grind on.

Hey.

- Bathroom.

- Twerk on you later.

- Hey, how are you?

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- What the fuck?

Why does every girl have
to go to the bathroom?

(crowd cheering)

- You suck.

Take that.

- Not cool, you're expelled.

- What?

- I'm just kidding.

For that?

Who would expel you
for winning a game?

You're expelled.

Expelled.

Who do you think you are?

Fucking douchebag.

You're gone.

You got me bro?

The fuck out.

- [Guy Wearing Bowtie] Sorry.

- Who wants to do some shots?

(crowd chanting)

(crowd cheering)

- Holy shit, this
dude just chugged down

15 shroom shots in a row.

- Ben, you're an animal.

I've never seen anybody
take more than like,

five shroom shots,
you could die.

- No, a little vegetable
never hurt anybody.

- True dat.

But seriously, you're
probably going to die tonight.

I mean, you like a
quarter ounce of shrooms

and if that doesn't kill you,
the Molly definitely will.

- Ben, come with me.

I want to show you something.

- I'm actually a
perpetrator to manslaughter.

- But seriously, who is Molly?

Is that a baby?

- Check out that
guys fucking ankles.

- So much better
than potato farming.

Best year abroad ever.

In the sweet name of Bono.

- [Lisa] This party sucks.

- Yeah, it's pretty lame.

just to see my boyfriend
get drunk and pass out.

Relationships suck.

Are you in one?

- No, actually.

My last girlfriend was
in the fourth grade.

She wasn't in fourth grade.

Well, she was in fourth grade
but we were both in fourth

grade because we were
fourth graders so.

Um, bad introduction.

I'm Zach Fox.

- Lisa.

- [Party Guest] Heads up.

(glass shattering)

- Oh shit, that almost
hit you in the face.

- What did?

- That foot...

Is she blind?

- Get over there.

- Oh wow, this feels incredible.

Which is weird because you're
totally biting me right now.

This one time, I got bit
by a dog in third grade.

- Huh?
- And I had to get stitches.

It totally sucked.

Does this feel good for you too?

Like, do you feel
good right now?

- Shhh.

Just relax, Ben.

(Ben gasping)

- Dad.

- Shhhh, Ben, relax son.

You better get girls
like your old man

or else you're going
back to Antarctica.

(Ben screaming)

- Ben!

Where are you going?

- Oh my God, is it
really 13 inches?

- Well, uh, 13 erect.

Flacid is only like, I
don't know, 10 and a half.

- Well, I mean, I guess
that's proportional

for someone who's
six four and black.

- Well, I am those things so.

- Hey, do you want to get a
room and go have some fun?

- Uh, yeah, that'd be awesome.

- I can't wait to feel
every inch of your body.

- Wait, feel?

Oh, shit.

- Excuse me.

Pardon.

- [Roger] It's the dude,
that took 15 shroom shots.

- No, no, no.

- Ben.

(crowd chanting Ben)

- Guys, please,
it's a vegetable.

- Ben, Ben.

- It's a mushroom guys,
it's just a mushroom.

Please stop.

- Ben, what the hell?

I think I'm in love with you.

- What the hell, Ben?

- Zach.

- Why'd you draw
my dick so small?

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Yeah Ben, why'd you
draw his dick so small?

- [Zach] Why'd you
draw my dick so small?

- Why'd you draw
his dick so small?

- [All] Why'd you draw
his dick so small?

- I didn't draw it small.

- [All] Why'd you draw
his dick so small.

- Wait, please.

I did, I did draw it small.

I wanted my bone to be bigger.

- Excuse me ladies,
don't mind me.

See, alright, alright.

That's fine, that's
fine, alright.

You can do this Duffy.

Alright, okay.

I must participate in this
some way for it to count.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Uh, having a three way?

- Ugh, whatever.

- Totally counts.

- Hey Jude, have you seen Lisa?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think
she just went tin the closet

with that dude a
few minutes ago.

- Are you fucking serious?

- [Lisa] This is the hardest
penis I've ever felt.

- [Zach] Well it
is my penis so--

- What the fuck?

- [Party Guest] Zach
is getting a broom job.

- Are you fucking serious?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Did you, did you cum?

- Christian, I'm sorry, I
was just trying to fit in.

- I'm going to kick his ass.

- Professor Phantom.

Oh no, Zach.

- You think you can mess
with people's girlfriends

- In all fairness, technically,
I didn't touch her.

- Knock him the fuck out.

- Christian, sweetie,
are you having fun?

- Mom, go back inside
and watch CSI: Miami.

- Susan.

- Hi.

- I hooked up with her last year

- I'm Christian's
brother, that's my mom.

- Then you get it.

(uptempo dramatic music)

- I'm going to fuck you up.

- Think about it, why
do you think no one ever

Because he wasn't
wearing any pants.

- No, what the fuck?

- Holy shit.

That thing is half
tip, half shaft.

- Dude, why'd you stop?

- Punch him in the dick.

- But dude, it's
kind of gay though.

His dick's just
like dangling there.

- Yeah, it'd be pretty
weird if you just like,

- I'm not going to
punch him in the dick.

- Holy shit, it's working.

Yeah, you want some
of this Christian?

Yeah, you want some of this?

- Alright, everybody shut up.

Fuck this, you're dead.

- Fuck.
- Hey.

Professor Phantom.

- Oh my.

(Ben yelling)

(Jessica yelling)

(sign smashing)

- That chick got
knocked the fuck out.

I'm so glad I got
into education.

- What the fuck?

- Ben.

- Dad, Dad, sorry.

- You fuckers are
going to pay for this.

- [Ben] Dad, I'm sorry.

(whistle blowing)

- Laps.

- Our lives are over.

I'm going to have to
transfer to a new school

in some rural town, get a
fucking job as a coal miner,

never follow my hopes
and dreams, not that
there's anything

wrong with being a coal miner.

It's just not the life
I set out for myself,

but now, none of
it matters because

of that stupid fucking party.

- How fun was that
party last night, lads?

- Duffy, you weren't
at the party.

In fact, I had t'ree way.

- Duffy, you didn't
have a three way.

- Well, if I didn't
have a t'ree way,

then how would I know that
they had nipple rings?

- What?

- Yes, nipple rings.

I even cut my finger on them.

Look at it, look at the bandaid.

- Duffy, you cut your finger
on a milk carton last week.

I was there.

- Fine, but I will
prove it to you one day.

Prove it.

Prove it.

- Fucking dweeb.

- Help me.

- You know, maybe I should save
my virginity until marriage.

I'll get to save it for that
one special woman, you know.

Check out Madison Kim, class
president, valedictorian.

It would be like hooking
up with Hillary Clinton,

so accomplished.

Are they coming over right now?

Oh my God, they're
totally coming over.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Ben.

- Hey.

- It's been a while, Zach.

- Really?

I feel like we just.

Yeah, you like that Madison?

Yeah, you want me to vote
for you for class president?

You're going to have
to earn it if you

want me to put my ballot
in your dirty box.

Yeah.

- Anyways, that was pretty
crazy what you guys did

at the party the other night.

- Well.

- Yeah, you guys
know how to have fun.

- Yeah, we love to
party, am I right dude?

Don't blow this.

We're also really chill, too.

Um, like, we love just
sitting and talking about

our feelings at the end
of, end of the day also.

- So um, my parents are
going to be out of the house

all night if you guys want
to, thought it would be

a good idea if maybe you come
over and like study with us.

- Um, yeah, we'd--

- Absolutely.
- Yeah, we'd love to study.

Yeah, we, we're always
studying together.

- Right, all the time.

- We love knowledge.

- Great, so how about
you come over at seven?

I live in the house
right next to Wawa,

so you can't miss it.

- Cool, perfect,
we'll see you then.

- Okay.
- Bye.

- See ya.

Dude, did that
actually just happen?

Did that actually just happen?

Did that actually
just fucking happen?

Oh my God.

Dude, dude, fuck marriage.

Fuck marriage.

Dude, we're getting pussy.

We're getting fucking
pussy tonight dude.

We're getting fucking
pussy tonight.

Oh my God, we're
getting pussy tonight.

You and I are getting
pussy tonight.

- Hey Ben.

- Jessica.

- Oh, my Gosh, I'm so
sorry about last night.

- I know, right?

So much fun.

We should totally
hang out again.

Who are you going to prom with?

I mean like, I'm
not saying like,

you have to go to prom with me.

You totally don't have
to ask me to prom.

It's like, not a big deal,
but like if you did want

I'm wearing purple so
like, I really feel like

we should just like plan ahead.

- Isn't prom next year?

- Shut up.

So like, if there's anything
you want to ask me like,

I'm not saying there has
to be a question you ask me

like, if there is, I'm
just like saying that like,

I'm all ears.

- Um.
- Fucking ask her.

- Does your face hurt?

- That was like,
such a fun party.

Like, totally fun and
honestly, it'll totally

be better by prom.

Like, don't even worry about it.

It's like, I mean,
honestly, even if it's not

better by prom, like, I'm
running for prom queen

and like, I can totally get
the sympathy vote with this

but like, honestly, I'm
just going to need like

a king by my side,
you know what I mean?

- Would you uh,

would you like to
go to prom with me?

- Oh, my God.

Yeah, I mean like, I mean
like, I guess I'd go.

Like, if you're going,
I might as well go.

Oh, my God.

My mom's going to be
like, just like, you know

come by around like
6:30 and like we'll have

the limo and like--

- You mean like 6:30 next year?

- Yeah, Zach.

Like, I just think it's
really good to be prepared.

- Oh, yeah.

Right there, just
rub it in up there.

That's perfect, just
the tip, there we go.

(doorbell ringing)

- [Zach] Hi, Mr. Diaz.

- Sergeant Diaz.

- Right, I'll get it
right one of these days.

I'm here to pick up
Ben for our date.

- Ben!

Zach is here and you got mail.

- I'll be down in a minute.

- So um, how was Antarctica?

- Cold.

Barren.

- And the missus?

I mean, I know she walked out
on you when Ben was a baby

but like, is she
coming back soon?

(light sneaky music)

So have you thought
about getting back
on the dating market?

You should try it.

There's a lot of really
neat apps on your phone

that make it really easy.

- What's an app?

- You don't know what an app is?

- So there's one dating
app that's really cool.

Uh, and it's like you
swipe and then like,

you order a female.

- Like prostitution?

- No, it's not like
prostitution because like,

they have to consent and
you have to swipe right

and consent, you both have to...

Now that I think, it is a
little like prostitution.

- Benjamin!

- Yeah, Ben, come down.

Benjamin.

- [Ben] I'm ready.

- Dude, you look amazing.

- Thanks, Zach.

- You're wearing the
jeggings I bought you.

- Of course I would, man.

- Jesus fucking Christ.

- Yo, give me the keys.

- Hey, Zach, so I got this
letter in the mail today.

- Did the letter
have a vagina in it?

- No.

- Did you pull a
letter out of a vagina?

- No.

- Ben, okay, then who cares?

- Okay, fine, but why
are we leaving so early?

We don't even have
to be to Madison's

for another three hours.

- Well, I thought you could
use a little more practice

talking to single women.

- Where are you going
to find single women

at four in the afternoon?

- God, dude, this place
is fucking incredible.

This is the kind of stuff
that needs to happen

at the career fair, you know?

Like, the world already
has enough surgeons.

Dude, you think I should
talk to the cashier about

getting a summer internship?

- What? No.

- Yeah, you're right, I'm
not qualified for that.

Dude, stop eating that chicken.

Probably has like, chlamydia.

do not accept any major
credit cards, cashiers checks.

- God, dude, that girl's tits.

They're so fake, you know?

Like, they could block a bullet.

Alright, follow my lead.

- Hi.

- You're really good at dancing.

- With the pole and everything.

You look like a firefighter.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, have you ever, have
you ever fought a fire or--

- Nope.
- Cool.

Okay, um.

Can I get four ones back.

It's like a sexy ATM.

All right, uh, is this enough
for a lap dance for my friend?

- Four dollars?

You're kidding right?

- No, is that too much?

- [Candy] I'll do it.

- So my friend's a little
awkward when it comes to

talking to girls so just give
him all the advice you got.

He used to be really
fat when he was a kid.

- Zach.

- Kind of fat, but really fat.

- Advice, huh?

Well the most important thing
is to always be sensitive.

All that slick stuff
is hot for a moment

but girls really just
want to know they can feel

comfortable around you.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's important
to be in touch

with your feminine side.

Ask about how her day was,
what are her hopes and dreams.

- Um, I never thought
about that before.

What's your name?

- Candy, Candy Goldberg.

- Goldberg?

(glass shatters)

(Wouldn't It Be Nice
by the Beach Boys)

(monitor beeping)

(Zach coughing)

- Hey Ben.

- Jessica, what
are you doing here?

- Nothing, just moseying around
through the neighborhood.

I see you're getting a lap
dance from that stripper.

- Uh.

- Looks fun.

I don't care by the way.

I'm a cool girlfriend,
I trust you.

By the way, what tie
are you wearing to prom?

We should match.

- Candy, I know this might
sound kind of crazy but,

I think I'm in love with you.

Um, can I get your number?

- Yeah, sure.

You know, when I'm not
stripping, I'm also an escort.

- Escort to my heart.

- Here you go.

- Mom, Colt won't share his toy.

- Is that your son?

Hi buddy, I'm going
to be your new dad.

My speckle.

- Billy, get your ass back
in the fucking play room.

Maria!

Ven aqui.

- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry senor.

- Guys, I'm so sorry about
that little inconvenience.

- Mommy!

- That said, I do
hope your time here

at the Pleasure Palace
has been pleasurable.

Stay as long as you'd like.

Go to the gift
shop, get a t-shirt,

15 percent off today only.

Whatever you need though,
seriously, let me know.

Okay?

I'm the manager here, all right?

Here's my card.

I'd be happy to take
care of you guys.

- [Colt] Daddy, Billy wants me--

- Colt, I said get back
in the fucking playroom.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Come on guys, you guys think
I'm going to shoot a kid?

- He's acting, it was a joke.

- Sal, you see that?

These guys think I'm
going to shoot a kid.

(gun firing)

- Guys, her implant
blocked the bullet.

It's a strip club miracle.

- Whoa, are you kidding me?

That was so close.

That was so close.

Sal, did you see--

(gun firing)

(everybody screaming)

- What the fuck?

What the fuck?

It's pretty neat they gave
us free t-shirts, huh?

- Are you joking?

our current ones are covered
in stripped blood, Zach.

- Geez, I'm just saying
it's not every day

you get a free t-shirt.

- Come on, come
on, I got to poop.

- Dude, I told you
not to eat the buffet.

Alright, just wait to
shit until you're actually

hooking up with Becky.

- Why?

- Ben, girls can literally
smell pheromones from your poop.

- What?

Where did you hear that?

- I don't know, like GQ or
Nat Geo or Ellen--

- Hey guys.

Oh, you're matching.

Becky, they're matching.

- Um, how was your day?

- Um, it, it was really good.

Uh, how was yours?

- It was okay.

- Good.

- And what are your
hopes and dreams?

- Um.

I just--

Oh my goodness.

I'm so, so sorry.

I totally didn't
mean to do that.

- It's not, it's not.

It's honestly totally--

- Totally didn't
mean to do that.

- It's not like a big--

- I'll get you cleaned up.

- Dude, Ben, she's going
to suck my dick, dude.

- What?

- Dude.

It's like a dream come true.

It's everything we ever wanted.

- I thought we
came here to study.

- Shut the fuck up.

Ben.

Ben, Ben.

Dude, I'm going to finger her.

You think she'll
let me finger her?

How many fingers do I use?

- [Ben] I don't know.

- How many fingers do I use?

- [Ben] I don't know.
- Like one?

- I, Zach, I don't know.

- No, that's not, that's
too little, right?

- What about four?
- Four fingers?

whole fist?
I can't fist her right?

Too much on the
first date, right?

What if it's like,
like that too much?

No, cause it's like uneven?

Coming.

- Take your pants off.

- Okay, oh, wow.

Cool, so much fun.

- Everyone loves this.

- Fun, fun, fun.

It's like the most fun
study session ever.

- I can't believe I got
your pants this wet.

I'm like, really sorry.

- Honestly, it's fine.

They were like, they
were too dry before.

- Anyway, I was telling
Ben all morning like

these are too dry.

- So, um, I'll throw
them in the dryer.

And um, you uh, better
be ready when I get back.

- You better be ready
when you get back.

- I'm already like, ready.

- I'm going to be the readiest.

- So ready.

- I'm going to
ready you all night.

- Yeah, so sexy
when you're ready.

So bye, um, bye.

- Get the fuck up.

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to yell at you.

I didn't mean, I didn't
mean to yell at you.

It's just like, this is
a really important moment

for both of us and I
didn't, I want to give you

the life you deserve.

I don't want your whole
life to be in my hands.

Are you going to
get the fuck up?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

Uh, do you know where
the bathroom is?

- Yeah, down the hall.

- Thank you very much.

(Ben farting)

- Hey.

- Hey, so look at
what I brought.

- So, you are going to
look super cute in this.

- No, silly, this is for you.

- What?

- Why hello there.

- What, what, what
are you doing in here?

- Looks like somebody
wants a blumpkin.

- Whoa, a what?

- A blumpkin for my pumpkin.

- That's even a thing?

- I can smell the pheromones.

- Zach was right?

- I haven't showered
in two weeks.

- That's dirty.

- I know it is.

- I, no, no, no, I don't
mean like in a sexual way.

Like, that's gross,
like you need a shower.

- I'm going to eat that dick.

- Wait, wait, wait,
if you're hungry,

we can just order take out.

Why is this, I feel so weird.

- Zach, are you ready yet?

- [Zach] I don't
want to come out.

- Come on Zach, it's
going to be so much fun.

You look so pretty.

- Really?

- Yes, I could just like,
roll you into a little ball

and just eat you up right now.

- This little thing?

- Come on.

- I'm going to get you.

- Please, stop.

- Why are you running?

- Please stop.

- I'm going to get you.

- Please, please, please.

- I'm having so
much fun with you.

Aren't you having fun?

- Uh, no.

- Playing hard to get, huh?

- Uh.

- I'm going to get you.

I like this position.

Look at you, you're so strong.

Like Donkey Kong.

Let me hear your Donkey Kong.

- Is this normal?

- You like that?
- No.

- Hey, Madison?

What, what are,
what are you doing?

- Um, I'm just going
to second base.

- Um, aren't I supposed
to grab your boobs?

- Zach, um, just, just relax.

- Okay, yeah.

- You know what would
be like really hot?

- What?

- Would just like,
really turn me on?

- What, what?

- If you tucked it
between your legs.

- What?

- If you tucked it
between your legs.

- What?

What?

What the?

What?

Madison, what is going on here?

This has been an
odd make out sesh.

You're being odd right now.

- Why are you saying that word?

Odd?
- That word.

- Odd.

- Stop, that's a weird word.

- Odd.

- You're not saying it right.

- Odd?

- It's like odd.
- Odd.

- Oh my God, I can't do this.

- What, what can't you do?

- I mean--
- What?

- I don't, I'm gay, Zach.

- You're gay?

- Well, I mean, I think so.

I wasn't positive
until now but--

- What, what do you
mean you're gay?

- Well, I always thought
that, like, I might be gay

but I've never been
with a girl before

and then I saw you take your
pants off at Christian's party.

- It was cold out.

- I just thought that
you would be a good

lesbian middle ground.

I mean, you have
really, like, toned legs

and a chubby baby-like belly
and a Wanda Sykes haircut.

So, what I was some,
some fucking experiment?

- Well, it's high school, right?

I mean, like, aren't we
supposed to experiment?

- You objectified me
like, like an object.

- Honestly, this is not nice
to treat men this way, Madison.

We have come a long
way since, you know,

we've, we've come
a long way since,

we've come a long way.

- [Madison] Zach.

(door slamming)

- You ready for this?

- No, no, no.

- You ever seen Dirty Dancing?

- No.

- [Becky] Catch me Ben.

- [Ben] Becky, no!

(metallic crashing)

- Madison, we're home.

- That's it, Madison.

I'm out of here.

You're just like
every other girl.

I'm selling this dress on Ebay.

- Wait, I am so, so...

Daddy.

- Sir, ma'am.

- [Becky] Call me, Ben.

- [Madison] Zach.

- No, Madison, not now.

- Please, just wait a minute.

Please, I'm so sorry.

I know what I did, it was wrong.

I just, I got
confused for a minute.

- Madison, this was my
one chance to finally

get with a girl, was
that so much to ask?

- [Madison's Dad] Why is
there shit on my towel?

- Zach, I promise, I'm
going to make this up to you

and I'm going to fix it, okay?

Being class president comes
with a lot of influence.

(car engine sputtering)

- I hate this fucking car, Ben.

Why doesn't your dad get
a better fucking car?

Blue balls, blue
balls, blue balls.

Dude, my balls look
like they're about to

audition for the Blue Man Group.

I need some Panga
Sister porn ASAP.

Ah, dude.

Awww, Ben, check out
these tentacles, dude.

Ben?

Ben, what are you
doing over there?

- Just, just jerking off, Zach.

- All right, well,
come over here dude.

- I just need a little bit of
alone time right now, okay?

Shit like that happens,
you know, like sometimes

they'll try to like, use your
feminine features and like,

small dick to figure out you're
like, sexual orientation,

but like, don't
worry about it, dude.

Like, fucking shit happens man.

- What makes you so sure?

- I don't know,
dude, I just know.

- You know what, Zach,
ever since I've been back,

you haven't been
right about anything.

All you've been doing
is chasing girls

and you've been dragging
me around so you can do it

and it hasn't even worked.

You wanted to do this,
Ben, just as much as I did.

- No, I didn't, I told
you that I didn't.

But then my dad came
in my room and told me

about how many girls
he got in high school

and he gave me
this horse condom.

- Horse condom?

- You know we got
into Comic Con, right?

Oh, wait, you wouldn't
know anything about that

because anything without
a vagina isn't worth

bringing up to you, is it Zach?

- What?

- [Ben] Congratulations, buddy.

- What?

We wrote this thing
when we were fucking 12.

- Fuck you, Zach.

This is important to me.

You've changed, man.

- Yeah, of course Ben.
I grew up.

What, you thought you
would just come back

You left me and you promised
you would call every single day

and you didn't even call once.

Do you know what it's like
to navigate high school

all by yourself?

Do you?

You know why I care so much
about getting on the stall?

Because I made it.

- First day of Freshmen year,
I sat in that fucking bathroom

and carved every name into
the wall, promising myself

that by the time I was a Senior,
I would have more tallies

next to anyone,
but you know what?

The stall became a
legend and I didn't.

Fuck you, fuck your
letter, and fuck Stan Lee.

- I'm finished, Zach.

I'm done with this.

You can go get
girls on your own.

I'm going to fuck
the next girl I see.

- Mom!

- Marty!

- Gary!

- Get off me.

- Shut up.

- Why are you doing
this to me, man?

- Honestly, my mom and dad
got divorced last month

and I've been taking it out
on all the wrong people.

- My mom and dad
got divorced too.

- Come here, man.

- [Male Student] So inspired.

I wish my parents were divorced.

- Hey, Zach.

- Hey.

- Hey, Zach.

- Hey.

- Sup, Zach?

- What's up, fellas?

- Now, that's the man
who's ready to lead my cast

of The Sound of Music.

Wow, you could be a Nazi.

- I heard he has a huge dick.

- I heard he has two dicks.

- What?

- [Female Student One] I
heard he's great in bed.

- [Female Student
Two] My friend said

he cried during The Notebook.

- [Male Student] I
heard the Vice Principal

gave him a handy, so hot.

- Madison, what's going on?

- You should go
check the bathroom.

- Hey, no running in the halls.

- Sorry Mr. Pomenteer.

(triumphant rock music)

Holy shit.

I made it on the stall.

- Well, Zach, you did it.

You lost your virginity
before graduation.

- Well, I don't think that
was exactly the premise.

- It kind of was.

I mean, you didn't reinvent
the wheel or anything.

- Fair enough.

- I'm just thinking.

(bell ringing)

- Hey, Zach.

- Hey.

Hey, uh, Kimberly.

- We've heard some pretty
interesting things about you

lately, as you know, and
like everyone else in the

whole world knows my birthday
party is on Saturday.

So, yes or no?

- Um, yeah, yes.

- You can come to my
birthday party this Saturday?

- Oh, oh yeah, um,
definitely, yeah.

- Good.

- Yeah, I'm excited.

I'll, uh, I'll get there early.

- Oh, you can just
come when it starts.

- I'll see you.

See ya, Kimberly.

Holy shit.

(dramatic music)

Holy shit.

- Hey, Zach.

- Hey, Zach, looking cute.

- Lisa, look, Zach's here.

- Zach Fox?

Where?

Zach?

- No, he's this way babe.

- Sup ladies?

- Get in the pool dude.
- Hey, Zach.

- Yo, it's Zach Fox.

- Benjamin Diaz.

- Welcome to Comic Con.

(dance music)

- [Zach Voiceover] I finally
made it from dud to stud.

Is it weird this is the
first time I'm narrating?

Normally you'd open
up with narration but

this story became with
two kids masturbating

so I thought that
might be strange.

Also, was the opening too much?

Anyway, back to the party.

Are you having fun at my party?

- Um, yeah, hell yeah.

- Want to come help
me unwrap my presents?

- Of course, yeah,
that'd be great.

- Meet me upstairs in
my room in five minutes.

- Okay.

- Marissa.

- What are you doing here, Zach?

- Partying with
all my new friends.

- Where's Ben?

- Ben, Ben Diaz?

Oh, he's at Comic
Con or whatever.

- Okay, well, just
because you're at a party

with these people doesn't
make them your friends.

I party with them all the
time and I don't think

I like a single one of them.

- Marissa, hi, long time no see.

- Oh, hey, Cathy.

- How's your mom?

How's your dad?

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

- Okay, love the fanny pack.

How do you fit all
your coke in there?

You have a real friend.

Someone that would
spend five years making

a comic about you two.

- What?

- Oh, my God.

Don't lost your
best friend again.

- Know what, Marissa?

And Dr. Clark said I'm
supposed to talk to you.

- Hey.

What took you so long?

I need help unwrapping
all my presents.

- Luckily for you, I used to
gift wrap at a Toys R' Us.

- Nice.

- Here, I'll open the first one.

- Wow.

- [Young Ben Voiceover] But
just when all hope feels lost,

amazing?

Comes the Amazing
Duo to save the day.

Duo?

So long friend.

(Zach and Ben screaming)

Stop.

- What, what's wrong?

- What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Kimberly, we don't know
anything about each other.

I mean, I've wanted to hook
up with you my entire life

because you have amazing,
giant, planet sized breasts.

And now all of a sudden,
you want to hook up with me

because what, I'm on
the stall of fame or

someone told you I
have a big penis?

You know what, Kimberly,
I don't have a big penis.

It's regular at best.

I mean, not small,
but definitely average

for my age, weight, and size.

It's not about the size
of the dog in the fight,

it's about the size of
the fight in the dog.

Mark Twain.

I mean, what do you want a
big cock for anyway, Kimberly?

That could break your vagina.

You only get one vagina.

Right?

Girls only have one vagina?

- Yeah.

- The other one's for periods?

It's like a period hole?

- No, it's all in one.

- I wasn't paying
attention during sex-ed.

Goodbye Kimberly's boobs.

I need to go.

- Where are you going?

- Comic Con.

Hey, um, I almost
forgot to ask you.

How was your day?

- It was okay, I guess.

- And uh, what are
your hopes and dreams?

- I really want to be
a pediatric oncologist.

- Pediatric oncology.

Neat.

Well, um, see you
later Kimberly.

- No one's ever
asked me that before.

- Go get him, Zachary.

Make the t'ree of us proud.

- I will.

- Sergeant Diaz!

Sergeant Diaz!

Hi, Sergeant Diaz.

Told you I'd get it
right one of these days.

- Zach, what are you doing here?

- I was down the street
at Kimberley Somer's party

and I was so close to
finally touching her boobs

but the whole time I
was about to touch them,

all I could think
about was your son.

- Oh, my God.

- Look, I, I know you don't
like me and you've never

wanted me to be
friends with Ben,

but right now, he's the
only thing in my life

that actually matters
and I'm all he's got.

He's at Comic Con about to
experience the most important

moment of his life
and he needs me there

and I'm too drunk
to drive myfself.

What do you say?

Wait, Mr. Diaz, no don't go.

- I'm not driving you back.

- [Zach] You watch the
big game the other night?

- [Mr. Diaz] Which one?

- [Zach] Just like, any of them?

Thanks, Mr. Diaz.

Um, hi, sir.

Um, I know it's not
chill to cut the line

Stan Lee competition and I need
to get in there right away.

- ID?

- Um, I know you're not
going to believe this

but I actually left
my wallet at home.

- You trying to fuck my mom?

- Excuse me?

- I said are you trying to
take that little ass dick

and set it in my mom's coochie?

- No.

You must be a real mother fucker
to think that you can just

come up here, cut in
front of this whole line,

and tell me that
you forget your ID.

This ain't no auto
show convention.

This is Comic Con, bitch.

- Look, sir, I just
need you to find it

in your heart to understand.

I'm just a man standing
in front of another man,

trying to tell a different
man that he's my best friend.

So, what do you say?

- I didn't realize
it was like that.

Or maybe I should
just kick your ass.

- That's how you fight someone

without whipping your dick out.

- But Mr. Diaz, how did you--

- PTA.

- Thanks Mr. Diaz,
I owe you one.

- Go.

- Okay, I'm not
very fast though.

- Drink?

- Eh, why not?

- I put some Molly in it.

- Who's Molly?

- Ben.

Ben!

Ben.

Ben, where are you?

Benjamin, it's Zach.

Ben.

Excuse me, have you
seen my friend Ben?

- [Convention Goer]
Who the fuck is Ben?

- Sorry.

Ben.

- What, what are you doing here?

- I left Kimberly's party
to come here for you.

For us.

- You're too late, the
competition's already over.

We didn't win.

- Wait.

Ben, what do you
mean we didn't win?

- We lost, Zach, Stan Lee
didn't pick our comic book.

- Wait, wait.

- Wait, where are you going?

- To find Stan Lee.

You coming?

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee!

- Excuse me.

- Stan!
- Stan Lee!

- Have any of you
guys seen Stan Lee?

Has anyone, has anyone
here seen Stan Lee?

He has to be somewhere.

Stan Lee!

Are you the Jared Leto Joker?

Why would you pick that?

That's the worst Joker.

- Stan Lee!

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee.

- Zach.

We should just give up.

- Ben, I'm sorry.

- Whatever, dude.

- No, it's not whatever.

I've been a horrible
friend to you

but when you left, dude,
I didn't fucking know

how to survive and then
when you came back,

I got so wrapped up in trying
to get girls and become

popular that I forgot what
was actually important.

- Well, it's not
all your fault Zach.

I mean, when I got back,
I thought everything

would just be the same.

I didn't consider what it was
like for you all these years.

- Dude, I fucked up.

- No, Zach, I fucked up.

- No, Ben, really, I was
the one who fucked up.

- No, I was the
one that fucked up.

- Dude, I fucked up so hard.

- No, I fucked up harder.

- All right, you know what?

We both fucked up.

The only thing I
need to get is you.

- That was a very
touching moment, boys.

- [Both] Stan Lee.

- You're the boys from
the comic book, right?

- Um, yes, Mr. Stan Lee.

Uh, our comic book was
in competition tonight.

- That was good.

Except for all that uh,
villain trying to stop all

hand jobs, that kind of
went right over my head.

Other than that, it was
close call for first.

Who drew it?

- Um, that was all
Ben, Mr. Stan Lee.

- Tell you what, you got
a hell of a talent for

comic book illustration, kid.

- Wow, thank you Mr. Lee.

- Take my card, email my
secretary, we'll do lunch.

- Um, Mr. Lee, before
you go, there's something

I've always needed to know.

- What is it, kid?

- Does Spiderman cum webs?

- No, he webs cum.

- [Both] Whoa.

- Dude, I can't believe Stan
Lee just gave me his card.

- I always thought
it was Stan Lee.

(Mr. Diaz laughing)

- This place is amazing.

Meet my new wife, Molly.

- Dad, what are you doing here?

- We're coming here
every freakin' year.

You too, Zach.

Excelsior.

- [All] Excelsior.

- Look, look, look.

- [Zach] Dude, this is insane.

- Look.

- Oh, my God.

Are those limited edition?

- [Both] The Panga Sisters.

(techno music)

(orchestral music)

(slow country music)