All language subtitles for The.Mick.S02E14.HDTV.x264-SVA

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31, 30,

- 29, 28... you better hustle.
- Ah!

- I'm gonna make it!
- Not a chance in hell.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, you guys,

Alba bet me a hundred bucks
that she could go to the store,

grab some smokes and be
back in under five minutes.

- That's impossible.
- I know!

That's what I keep telling her.

Ugh, she's smoking again?

I-I don't keep track of
what she does anymore.

Coming in hot!

You're never gonna make it.

You might as well just give up.

No! Never!

All right. Ten,

nine, eight...

- seven, six...
- Here I come... whoa! No!

Alba!

- Whoa!
- Yeah!

Whoa! Amazing!

All right... oh.

There she is.

How are you feeling?

I'm alive?

Oh, you have no idea how lucky you are.

Yeah, wish we could say
the same for the Maserati.

You frickin' accordioned it.

That's the third car
you've crashed this month.

All right. Ease up.

You brats have plenty of cars.

There's only one Alba.

you're gonna die.

I am out of control.

- Yeah.
- I need to go to rehab.

- Oh, send me to the Promises in Malibu.
- No.

I-I don't believe in rehab.

It's ruined too many great musicians.

It sucks the zip out of you.

I don't want you to lose your zip, Alba.

I just want you to not die.

I huffed shoe polish yesterday.

- Not in front of the kid.
- Well...

Hey, Ben, you want to go grab some candy

out of the vending machine?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Mickey, I need help.
- All right,

well, you do what every normal person does,

and you go to church.

Since when are you so religious?

I'm not religious at
all, but I like church.

Free donuts, coffee.

Little wine to take the edge off.

Then you confess all the bad stuff you did

and go home guilt-free,
ready to do it all over again.

Didn't your parents make you go to church?

Yeah, they forced us when we were little.

I hated church. It was the worst.

Yeah, you're supposed to hate it.

Then you feel great
once you get through it.

You got to go to church sometimes.

But I don't believe in God.

- Yeah, neither do I. That's not the point.
- No.

- Isn't that the entire point?
- No, the point

is to make yourself feel better,
reset the dials a little bit.

And Alba, when you go back
to church this weekend,

we're all gonna go with you.

I think our souls could
all use a little oil change.

So... this is God's house?

That's the general idea.

Cool.

Where's the kitchen?

I bet he has great snacks.

No more questions for now, okay, pal?

Yeah, the show's about to start.

Okay, here we go. Excuse me.

Hot coffee, coming at ya.

Watch it, move those feet.

Here you go.

- Oh.
- What?

- It's hot.
- I told you.

Got you a donut.

- Coconut.
- Yeah, they're free.

I feel like Jesus is looking
down on me in judgment.

Jesus doesn't judge,
that's his whole thing.

Please rise.

About time.

Can't wait to see this
bloated sack of potatoes

they yanked off the
can to emcee this thing.

Weird.

It's some young bro.

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

The Lord be with you.

And also with you.

Good morning.

Welcome.

Happy Sunday Funday.

I am Father Zach.

Father Z, if you prefer.

And to kick things off, I thought,

why don't we turn to thy
neighbor, and say "what's up?"

Go ahead and give him a dap.

Dap it out. I'll wait.

He's kind of a dork, but I like the energy

- in here, you know?
- Yeah.

Before we begin, please
silence your cell phones.

Unless you're posting a photo of me,

in which case, please, pick a good filter.

Whoa.

Dude's got jokes.

Okay. Let us pray.

I don't get it.

The show's over?

Where's God?

He's, uh, everywhere.

Why can't we see him?

I just wanted to say hi.

Well, you can, you know?

He's in that candle, right there.

So God lives inside the candle?

Well, he's not literally inside of it.

I mean, the candle represents
God's presence in the church.

So they built this whole house...

...for a candle to live in?

Well, no. I mean, when
you say it like that,

it sounds ridiculous, but...

- Has anybody even seen God?
- Okay, Ben,

you're seeing God. All right?

He's in the candle.

I don't think I believe in God.

- Little psycho.
- Yeah.

- Doesn't feel right.
- No.

It sounds smart and
progressive when we say it,

but we're adults. He's a kid;

he's not ready for that yet.

At that age, you got to
be terrified of something

to keep you from becoming a jackass.

We got to nip this in the bud.

The "butt," actually.

It certainly is good to see you, Father.

Father Zach?

- That's me.
- Hi. Mickey Molng.

This is my friend Alba.
She's a world-class sinner.

And we're, uh, wondering if you
got time for a quick confession.

I-I haven't been to Mass
in quite some time.

Well, you're always welcome back.

Can I just say, I thought religion

was just a load of crap, but
that was a pretty great set.

- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- I'm so surprised

how young you are. I thought
priests were, like, what? 90?

Oh, we have one of those. Yeah.

Father McCormick is our head pastor.

Think he's pushing about a thousand now,

but he's still killing it.

I bet. Okay, um...

- I'm gonna head out.
- You're welcome to stay.

Maybe God brought you
here for a reason, too.

Well, that's very sweet,

but I brought myself here.

In a Porsche 911 Turbo.

So tell God thank you
very much, but I'm all set.

Gonna go burn off some of
that good karma. Have fun.

So let me, let me ask you a question.

Are you, like, are you
writing your own stuff,

or are you just, like,
pulling that out of your ass?

Depends on the day.

Ha!

There we go. Oh, yeah.

Hello, you.

I'll take that.

Make a sandwich.

Don't play hard to get with me.

I will find you.

Okay, lettuce there. I'm healthy.

Let's see...

- Tomato...
- Uh, Mickey?

Oh, good Lord.

Alba, you brought home the Lord.

Well, after all that confessing,
it really worked up an appetite,

so I invited Father Zach over for dinner.

It's so good to see you again.

I'm not drunk.

All right.

You want me to make you something?

No, I-I want to... I'm gonna make it.

Ah, it's so late though.

Right?

I'm gonna make it in my bed.

- Can I give you a hand with...?
- No, I'm good. I just...

Good evening to you both.

What time is it?

6:00 a.m.

Why are we up?

Well, because we've got a
breakfast date with the Lord.

Really? What's for breakfast?

Well, there isn't any food
per se, but that's all right,

because we are going to feast on this.

Huh?

I mean, come on. Tell me that's not
proof of God right there.

- The sunrise?
- Yeah, well...

It's not just a sunrise; I
mean, those blazing oranges

and those simmering pinks,
those brilliant reds...

Who do you think made those colors?

My teacher said it's because of smog.

Did God make smog?

Uh... yeah, I guess he did.

- But I thought smog was bad?
- Let's-let's back up.

Humans are responsible for smog.

But then, you know, God made humans,

so I guess God made smog

and then turned it into
a beautiful sunrise.

So, God kind of makes everything?

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

- What about trees?
- Yeah.

- Dogs?
- Sure.

What about poop?

Yeah, okay.

Even diarrhea?

You know what? Let's just
leave it here for the day.

Yeah, let's just take a minute

to gather our thoughts and,
for now, enjoy the sunrise.

All right, I'll stare at the smog.

Ugh, I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Ooh.

What's this?

Why, it's Sunday.

I know how much you like
to watch your football.

- This is all for me?
- Yeah.

Aw, man, that's so sweet.

I knew a little church
would be good for you.

- Ah...
- Look at you being all of service.

Nah, nah, it's nothing.

- Ugh. Make it stop.
- Yeah. I-I go get it.

Look who's here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing? What's he doing here?

Yeah, I invited him.

You know, I think that Father Zach

is a bigger Pats fan than you are.

And on the eighth day, God made Tom Brady.

Yeah.

Isn't football a little rough for a priest?

With all the concussions and murderers.

No, the big hits are the
best part of the game.

Plus, these guys are getting
paid millions of dollars.

This CTE business, I mean, they
know what they're getting into.

Plus, they're wearing helmets.

- Hey, does anyone want a beer?
- Mm...

No. No, thank you.

I would love one.

- Is that all right?
- No, here.

- I'll get you an opener.
- No, no, no, no.

Got one with me.

Whoa, that's cool.

Father Z? What are you doing here?

What's up, Chip? I'm
just watching Tom Brady

spread the gospel.

You rocking the new Durants?

Good eye, bro. My vertical's
insane now. You hoop?

I played a little college ball at UConn,

but I mostly rode the bench.

- You want to shoot around at halftime?
- Hell yeah.

- What a great kid.
- Yeah.

Oh, come on, you got to
wrap up on those tackles!

All right, let's go, TB.
Let's get back in this thing.

Yeah, let's go.

Here we go, Pats!

All right, Ben.

Sometimes a higher being doesn't
always present itself to you

in a church or a sunset.

A spiritual experience can find
you when you least expect it.

Now, for me, it was The
String Cheese Incident.

Red Rocks, '96.

They played for seven straight
hours in 108 degree heat.

A set so divine and filled with love

that your little mind
couldn't possibly grasp it

through mere description.

Luckily, big ol' Jimbo bootlegged it.

Yeah.

This is God?

Well, i-it is if you're a drug addict

and you like to listen
to 40-minute-long songs

and spin around in circles
until you have a seizure.

Shh.

Geez, I'm shredded tonight.

- Let me get some of that K.
- No can do.

- Already took it.
- All of it? Dude, not cool.

- You were supposed to drive back.
- I'm fine.

It doesn't sound very good.

Well, yeah, I mean the
speakers aren't great, you know.

You need a woofer to really capture

the essence of their sound.

Some ketamine would help, too.

Okay. You know what? When
the glockenspiel comes in,

you're really gonna understand.

No offense, but if this is
God, I don't think I'm a fan.

Yeah, that went well.

If he's not gonna open his mind,

then there's not a lot I can do for him.

I don't know. Maybe it's too late.

We're just going about this too abstract.

You know, I mean, think
about it like Santa Claus.

You don't explain to a kid the physics

of some fatso cramming his ass

down seven billion chimneys in a night.

No, of course not.

You-you just drive him to the mall,

get his picture taken
with some child molester,

and eat a couple of his
cookies before he wakes up.

Ben wants to see God...

let's show him God.

Dude, your stroke is frickin'
wet from behind the arc.

Don't tell me you can dunk, too.

Don't worry, I won't. I'll just show you.

Oh! Wow!

What?! Oh, my God.

How did you do that?

It's hot out here, man.

Damn!

Father's got mad ink.

You look like frickin' John Wick.

I didn't know priests could
get tatted up like that.

Yeah, it sounds like you
got some misconceptions

about the church.

You think it's all sinners and judgment.

But the way I see it, every Sunday,

God throws a kick-ass house party

and all the sinners are invited.

I mean, I-I will admit,

it does look cool to be
center stage like that.

- Yeah.
- You must feel like a frickin' rock star.

No, no, no, no. God's the real rock star.

I just feel like I'm a DJ
remixing his hottest jams.

That's all right. That's all right.

- Yeah.
- You know what?

I did have an altar boy
drop out this weekend.

If you feel like subbing on Sunday.

Uh... no-no offense,

but those white dresses
are... are kind of lame.

You know, when you're up there,

you're feeling all that energy,
it doesn't matter what you wear.

You're cloaked in God's love, son.

Off the glass.

Whoa!

Mickey?

What is going on?

You don't just sneak up on somebody...

like that, you know what I mean?

If you wanted a beer, why
didn't you just say so?

Because I can't be myself
in front of that guy.

He makes me uncomfortable.

It's like driving next to a cop.

- Well, he's just a priest.
- He's not.

- He's not just a priest.
- Well...

Priests don't wear normal
clothes and play basketball.

They're old and ugly and mean and boring.

You are the one who told me to go to him.

Yes. I told you to go to him.

Maybe once or something,
not bring him in here.

I think you are overreacting.

Okay, well, how's this for overreacting?

I forbid you to ever see him again.

- Mm-hmm.
- Father Zach

has been so helpful to
me in my darkest hour.

That's what they do.

They find the weakest person they can

- and make them feel like the chosen one.
- Yo!

Guess who Father Z hand-selected
to be his new altar boy?

This guy!

Hey, now!

Let's just hope he praises
better than he dribbles.

You're right.

- I got to work on that.
- You're doing okay. You're doing okay.

- Ah, it could be better. Oh!
- That's good. Oh!

- That's tight, huh?
- Such a great... whoa! Ah!

Look it, I got it. And I gave it back.

- Father McCormick?
- Yes.

Hi, I'm Mickey, new to your parish.

Do you have a second?

- Yes, please come in.
- Thank you.

Listen, um,

I got a problem with one of your priests.

N-Not a kid problem.

Oh, no, sorry. It's about Father Zach.

He's not who he says he is.

That man is leading a double life.

I see. Uh, please, go on.

Just yesterday, in my home,

I watched him drink upwards of two beers.

Oh. Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

You sure about that?

Oh, I'm quite certain.

Nothing wrong with an occasional libation.

Oh.

Would you?

Is it a trick?

- No.
- Oh.

Thank you.

Well, he was definitely
not wearing his uniform.

That's got to be some sort of infraction.

Well, I don't think that is. No, no.

I'm sorry, is there
something I can help you with?

Yes, you can, you can help me
get rid of the guy, you know.

I-I don't like him.

I-I... he rubs me the wrong
way and something's off.

Look, between you and
me, I'm also not a fan.

But unfortunately,
there's nothing I can do.

What are you talking
about? You're the pastor.

You know, you're the boss around here.

N-Not the boss-boss, but-but
you're pretty high up there.

It's not that simple.

Since Zachary joined our parish,

we've had quite the spike in donations.

I see.

Okay.

So it's a money thing.

Now you're speaking my language.

Here you go.

What's that?

That's a Porsche 911 Turbo.

Got a quarter tank of gas and it's parked

right out front in a handicapped
spot, nice and easy for you.

Well, that's very kind,
but I'm not quite sure

what the church would do with a Porsche.

I myself rarely drive.

Eh, you'll pick it right
up or sell it for parts.

Hell, drive it straight
to heaven for all I care.

Just please transfer him.

Well, there is an opening in Baltimore.

Baltimore.

Love Baltimore.

Beautiful city. Stone crabs.

Well, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

Give yourself a little credit.

I think you do know.

But don't do it for me.

Do it for this guy.

I'll leave you two alone.

Mull it over.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena... ♪

Mick.

♪ Maria gratia plena... ♪

What are you doing here?

Just came to enjoy the show.

Got a feeling it's gonna be a good one.

Ah, you bet your sweet little ass it is.

Okay. How you doing, buddy?

Good. Even though God isn't real,

I still like the songs and stuff.

Nice.

Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

You keep your eyes peeled,
you might just see him.

Yeah.

I-I'm having second thoughts.

Yeah, don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous.

It's just an idiotic plan.

Okay, you know what?

We're here, so we're doing it.

Thank you, Alba.

That sounded so beautiful.

Before we begin, I have
some unfortunate news

to share with all of you.

Yeah. Enjoy Baltimore, bitch.

Father McCormick was in
a car accident last night.

He drove a Porsche into a pond.

Uh, miraculously, he survived.

Oh, come on, old man.

So let's please all
keep him in our prayers.

- Oh...
- And in the meantime,

I will be serving as your head pastor.

Oh, well, this is just great.

For today's sermon, I'd like
to talk to you about temptation.

It's everywhere, folks.

Serpents slither among us

and takes many forms.

Apparent strangers, coworkers,

even so-called friends.

Okay, okay. You can stop dancing around.

I'm the serpent he's talking about.

I'm the one who gave McCormick the Porsche.

Wha...? Why would you do that?

So he would cast this man out of our lives

and into the fiery streets of Baltimore.

Damn it, Mickey.

- Those aren't your cars to give.
- Silence, Sabrina!

You, Father "Z," you're the real serpent.

Just slither around my house,

being all casual about religion,
not taking it seriously.

I take it very seriously.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I'm a priest.

Well, whoever you are, Zach,

beer-drinking basketball buddy.

Yeah, whatever mask you
choose to wear right now.

You've turned my friend into something

I don't even recognize anymore.

She has a very serious drinking problem.

Okay, well, now she has a
very serious church problem.

You don't see you just took one addiction

and replaced it with another?

I'm just trying not to die.

Well, news flash: you are gonna die.

You're all gonna die.

Not, I mean, not right
now. I'm not gonna...

That's not what I meant.
You're safe... for now.

I'm not gonna do anything.

She's right. This is idiotic.

If you accept God into your heart,

you'll walk with him in
the kingdom of heaven.

Oh, yeah? Okay, cool.
You got proof of that?

- I see proof of God every day.
- Do you?

I-I-I can't
wait to see it.

Show me. Please. Excited to see the proof.

Go ahead. Let's see it.

Aah! Oh.

Ooh, that's hot. Oh, my...

How can you just stand there? I'm on fire!

I'm on fire!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Stay in school, Ben.

She's awake.

I'm alive?

- By the grace of God.
- It was so cool.

God smited you because
you were being blasphemous,

but then he saved you because
he's merciful and forgiving,

but then, he pointed right at me

and told me to work extra hard in school.

And now, I'm gonna be
the Pope when I grow up.

Okay, we might've laid
too strong of a foundation.

I mean, he literally witnessed
God perform a miracle.

Yeah, we can blow that up
in about two seconds.

I think I'm done with church.

You know, I got way too extreme.

I got to stop that.

From now on, I'm just gonna be chill.

I'm just gonna be super chill.

I'm gonna start meditating, doing yoga.

All right, Alba, you're getting
extreme about being chill.

It's happening again.

Yeah, you're right. I got to chill out.

Yeah, I think I'm done with church, too.

Father Z's just a bummer.

Such a waste of talent.

He could be out there waxing ass,

but instead he's like, "No, we
just feed bread to old people."

Forget that place.

Mm. I don't know.

I might go back.

What?

I-I feel like I've been reborn, you know?

Like I've gotten a-a
new lease on life and...

if that's not proof of God,
I don't know what is.

Yeah, it's either that or the morphine.

Hmm?

They've been pumping you
full of that stuff for hours.

I told them not to hold back.

She can take it.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, well, Alba, be an
angel and, uh, hit me again.

Yeah, I got you. I got you.

- There you go.
- Mmm.