Original subtitles

We said we would change.

Ain't I been waiting, Rick?

Don't make me do this.

I need to know if there is something here worth saving.

It's nice to see that family

is still important to some people.

You hear things about someone,

but they never really add up

until you get them right in front of you, face to face.

How much is this gonna cost me?

Just $15,000, but before we get to the money, you have to...

I wanna hear it from him.

Okay, well he... he is the key to this whole thing, but...

Good, good, because I wanna hear him tell me.

Um, so, have you ever been to the farmer's market?

No.

Hey Charlie, you ready for another?

You know a man of lesser character would've cut me off by now, man.

You're my best customer.

Just wait until your lunch time crowd comes,

you'll forget all about old Charlie.

You are the lunch time crowd, buddy.

Yeah, cheers to that. Shots?

The farmer's market, is like this dope ass place

where they sell a bunch of organic shit.

It's like this big fuckin', uh,...

Think non-corporate free-trade capitalism.

Honest business without the middle man.

- Thanks. - Cheers buddy.

So Nikki was like...

We were thinking that maybe I could open up a stand there, too.

Hey barkeep.

What'll it be, darlin'?

I don't know, what's good?

Order a bloody Mary.

I always like it when girls order bloody Marys.

And why's that?

Because I'd never order one myself, I guess.

They're sexy and something mysterious about them.

I'll have a bloody Mary.

Aww, ain't that sweet?

We've got a flat light beer, a flat dark beer,

something kind of in the middle,

and we got something sort of Belgian.

Sort of?

Yeah, well the light beer comes out of the Belgian tap.

I guess it's the flat light shit then.

A girl after my own heart.

This is gonna blow your mind.

What's the first thing that inevitably happens

when you shop at the farmer's market?

You eat all the delicious fruit!

- Get this. - Three words for you.

Fruit. Cobbler. Stand.

You want me to give you $15,000 for fruit cobbler?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Let's just slow down a little bit,

because I get a feeling you guys might be going a little too fast for me.

So, I buy fruit, let's say an apple or an orange.

Maybe even a pineapple.

Don't like pineapple.

Well, but you could, if you wanted...

Which we've established I don't, right?

So I buy fruit, let's say, an apple or an orange

and your business model is you're going to take it

and you're gonna cut it into slices for me.

If you wanna bring that pineapple back into the mix...

Again, I don't want fucking pineapple,

I want apples and oranges, so tell me, Brian,

how much is this going to cost me, the consumer?

- Two fruits would probably be... - Again, wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to Brian, my brother.

Brian, tell me, how much is this going to cost me

for you to take my apples and oranges

and cut them into slices for me?

Uhh...

Five dollars?

And how much is the knife?

I already own a knife.

So what the fuck is the $15,000 for?

Well, looks like it's just me and you, sugar.

I think it's a fucking awful idea.

Well, this is the first step towards

localizing the return of the goods and services economy.

There are no goods and the only services rendered

is my idiot brother slicing up apples and oranges for me.

Oh he can do a lot more than just slice.

Oh, I bet he can.

No, you weren't there when my girlfriend told me

she was leaving me for a spoon salesman.

If you don't know what a spoon salesman is, well,

a spoon salesman, he sells fucking spoons.

That's what a spoon salesman does.

I'm glad my shitty life's amusing to you.

No, it's not that.

You're just refreshing to me, that's all.

Tell me something, Nikki, why am I even talking to you?

I don't even know who you are.

Dude, don't be like that, she didn't do anything.

No, you didn't do anything. You never do anything.

Only this time, you not doing anything

got you hooked up with some trailer tart

who's trying to take money out of you

that you don't actually have. Well done, bro.

Honey, she told me our relationship had gotten stale.

She said that I was stale.

That's not true. Dude, there's no way. It's a lie.

You know nothing about community building

and creating something organic and beautiful.

That's right, I don't, but the cobbler commander over here,

I'm sure, is well-versed in it.

This is why we never agree, man.

- Exactly. - Just no...

Just wait, just wait, okay, listen.

Don't go. Okay? He needs you.

You know what I think?

I think you need me.

So you put him up to this and that makes you a very, very bad person.

You have a sickness.

I can smell it on you.

Just please.

Get your fuckin' hand off me.

But I hate when that happens.

Where's the bartender?

In the back maybe, how should I know?

Well, you got yourself a full drink there,

I thought you'd be a safe bet to ask.

Trust me, I ain't a safe bet.

Hey! Why don't you make yourself useful

and go get the bartender?

You got that or you need me to write it down for you?

Go get the fuckin' bartender.

Wow.

Yeah, you treat most girls like that?

I don't know, you most girls?

Why don't you turn that ass around,

we'll find out right quick.

Hey, no, what's your problem, man?

Wow.

Wow, your boyfriend's a little drunk, huh?

Maybe you oughta take him home, tuck him in,

before something goes and happens to him.

He ain't my boyfriend.

Well, maybe it's you needs tucking in, then?

I'm sure we'd both like that.

Oh Jesus. Hey! Hey!

What?

There's some fucking asshole out there

lookin' for a bartender and being a jerk.

Well tell him to keep his fucking pants on.

He just grabbed my fucking ass

and he's getting into it with all the other customers,

the few we actually have.

Jesus Christ, okay. I'll be out in just a sec.

Were you...

Were you just masturbating in here?

What? No! No I wasn't masturbating.

I mean, do whatever you want, sometimes when I get bored, I'm not judging.

- Okay, good talk. - But not at work!

Come on, hit me then.

You know you want to.

This isn't the 1970s, okay?

All right.

Cheers.

There ya go.

Officially been provoked.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, well, we really should do this again sometime.

Sit your ass down.

Your move.

Hey, calm the fuck down, okay?

Relax, buddy.

Relax, man.

Relax.

Trust me, amigo, I'm relaxed.

Get sweet pea over here to do me a solid. Yeah, you.

Come on over, I'm not gonna hurt you.

Closer.

Come on.

I wanna feel your breath on my face.

I want you to lock that door tight.

Is there a back door to the exit?

Yeah.

Is that all of them?

Just the one.

When you're done with the front, do the back.

You leave, she dies.

Because I care about these people,

this town,

these streets,

this badge,

this badge means something, Pete.

It's a privilege.

They sleep sound in their beds at night

because they know that I'm out there looking out for them,

and because you're out there with me.

Because that's what we do.

That is what we do.

Meryl fucking Streep.

- Oh. - Uh huh.

Really? Like, uh, like "river wild" Meryl Streep?

I was gonna say "deer hunter," but "river wild" works, too.

Wow. Killed it. Killed it. Yeah.

You should lead with that tonight.

- You think so? - Definitely.

Don's gonna give you thespian of the week tonight.

I crushed it.

- I'm that good of an actor. - Yes.

Toss them in.

What about you?

I actually don't have a phone.

I mean, I got a calling card, but...

Hey Hajiv, that means you too.

Waitin' on you.

There ya go.

Cocksucker.

How about you, compadre?

He doesn't speak English, man.

Yeah? Does he speak gun?

Just leave him the fuck alone.

All right.

You got a name, barkeep?

You know, where are we anyway?

My friend, we're on the clock.

But nobody said we can't make it go a little faster.

We're just gonna check out this bar for a bit.

No, are you serious?

And just grab a few for the road.

No, we can't be drinking on the job.

- Why not? - What are you, crazy?

No, we've been warned way too many times.

- You heard my uncle, -yeah, I heard him, but who's gonna know?

We're just gonna go investigate a few beers

and then we'll be right back at it.

I don't... I do not like it. You know why?

Because we have a good temporary thing going on here you know look?

Do you remember when he called you the worst cop

he's seen in his entire professional life?

He also called us "team foreskin."

- Because we rub him the wrong way. - What?

Look, we're not any good at this, but that's okay.

They gave us guns and badges and the whole shebang, and why?

Happenstance?

No, because we look the part.

So now we, talented actors, are stuck keeping watch over

what is not the most peaceful square mile in all of California.

- No. -I mean this place looks like Chechnya.

- Like that Chinese place. - No, not the Chinese place.

We can either go inside or we can take another loop around the ghetto.

Your choice.

Safety. Potential dying.

Anybody does something stupid...

And she's the one that suffers.

Now you're gonna want to remember this part,

you may walk away from here today,

but run as far as you can and the memories of what happened to her

under your watch will forever be two steps behind you.

And I shit you not.

That is is a fate worse than death itself.

Do we have ourselves an understanding?

I'm looking for some feedback here on this one.

Yes.

Better. Now how about you, Harry Potter?

- Do you think you can handle that? - Leave him alone.

Oh. Oh yeah. I'll leave him be.

I'm serious.

Leave her alone, all right?

Just let her go. I said all right.

Look like you got yourself a fan.

Lucky day.

"Jonny's sweet revenge."

What the fuck is this?

I literally just explained that.

Is this one of your oriental massage parlors?

Seriously?

This place is always open. Yeah, so weird.

Hey, let's bus out and get a smoothie.

- I don't want a smoothie. - I do.

You and your George Clooney hair, get whatever you want.

Why don't you go ahead and get yourself back behind that register there

and we're gonna get started.

Take it easy, man.

Take your time. I've got all day.

What are you smiling at, fuck face?

- Sorry man, nothing - shut up.

Where you get your haircut at? Supercuts?

Why don't you go fuck yourself?

That's it. Now take it and get the fuck out of here.

Where's the rest of it?

That is the rest of it.

Where's the rest?

Guys, I've got like 50 bucks in my pocket, you're welcome to it.

- Did I ask you to speak? - Nope.

No, do not answer. That was a rhetorical question.

I want to see the fucking rest of it, there's gotta be more,

I wanna see the fucking rest.

Ask him if there's a safe.

Yeah, what about a safe?

You got like a safe in here or something?

Yeah. There's a safe in the back office,

but it's fucking empty, you can take my word on that.

The boss is fucking selling the place next month.

We're closing? When were you gonna let me know?

Shut up, tits McGraw.

You can sing me a song later, all right?

I wasn't supposed to say anything,

but given the circumstances...

Look, man, what the fuck do you want from me?

God damn it, Reni!

How the hell was I supposed to know

there's short of 40 bucks in the drawer?

Because this is your fucking idea.

I didn't want to do any of this.

Oh yeah, well it hardly took any convincing.

That's 'cause just like always,

- I just go along with the stupid shit that you do. -Like always?

Oh, I didn't know my life was a complete farce to you, Rick.

Please regale everyone in the bar.

What other stupid things of mine do you blindly go along with?

Oh, hmm, I don't know, how about moving to Los Angeles

so you could open a designer cupcake boutique?

- How about that one? - How was that stupid?

You sold like five cupcakes in the first three months

and they were all to fucking me.

How the hell was I supposed to know

that people don't eat that shit out here?

It's called market research.

Market research? You should ask these guys about that.

They have the market cornered in market research.

Nobody asked you, so shut the fuck up.

Oh yeah, yeah, take all your shortcomings out on other people.

That's so fucking you.

Shortcomings? What are you talking about?

Was I the only one who failed at what I set out to do?

Oh, no, no, I forgot. You are the king of the fucking west coast.

Reni, I work like three fucking jobs

and I go to night school, okay? What else do you want from me?

End the circus, please.

I was going to pay for that chicken sandwich

and give a tip to her because she was really good.

- Thank you. - Shut the fuck up.

What the fuck is your problem?

Sit your fucking ass down.

Sit your ass down.

Hey, hi, over here.

I'm a bit confused.

This beautiful girl right here, she's my girlfriend.

Calamity Jane is supposed to be the victim I make off with

along with the dozens of retirement dollars that we just acquired.

It's a basic fake hostage robbery, you know,

nobody gets hurt. What part of this don't you understand?

All of it, maybe?

You hit me in the face for no reason.

Oh no, there was definitely a reason, okay?

Somebody has to get hit in the face,

and today, that somebody was you.

Now stop being such a whiny little bitch.

That's vintage, Rick.

Everyone, round of applause.

Nope, stop fucking clapping.

Passive aggressiveness at its finest,

hiding behind a veil of spite and sarcasm

bringing others down around you to avoid handling your own feelings.

Doctor Judith was absolutely right about your ass.

Oh really? And when the fuck did Dr. Judith say this, huh?

Oh, oh, so you don't even deny it.

No. Why the fuck am I paying this person top dollar

to talk shit behind my back when I'm not even fucking there.

Because you are so out of touch with your emotions

it's fucking crazy.

- Out of touch. -Sometimes I wonder if you even have a fucking pulse.

Disconnected, really?

I just robbed a fucking bar on a whim for you.

Because I fucking love you.

Is it love for me? Or hate for yourself?

Doctor Judith was so...

What were you saying about doctor Judith?

Nah.

Did that just sound like a gunshot?

I don't really know what a gunshot sounds like.

Probably somebody's hoopty blasting

through an intersection.

You think maybe we should go check it out?

No, that's what red light cameras are for.

I'd like to let it be known that I am

deeply, deeply in touch with my emotions.

Can I get an amen?

Who here likes fiction? Anyone?

Well, that's because to you, everyone is out of touch with their emotions

because if we weren't, doctor fuckhead wouldn't have any clients.

Don't you see what's happening here?

Nope, not everyone is disconnected, just you.

- Oh, is that a fact? - 100%.

Oh, please expand on that, by all means

because we have all fucking day.

Can I please just finish my fucking lunch?

That is my favorite chicken sandwich.

No, you can't.

Now sit down and shut up.

Take Charley.

N-n-no, don't take Charley.

Charley is deeply in touch with his emotions.

He was telling me all about his girlfriend, his life,

shit that matters to him.

Ex-girlfriend, actually.

All that?

He said all that to you?

In the ten minutes you were in here, huh?

Tell... tell him about the spoons Charley. I want him to hear it.

Yeah, tell me about the spoons, Charley.

Tell him.

We were happy or I thought we were happy.

She apparently wasn't happy

because, like, out of nowhere she told me

that she needed to leave me for someone else and...

That's heartbreaking.

And meanwhile, I'm holding a gun at people in a fucking dive bar

on account of your boredom.

I-I-i found out he sells spoons, all right?

Fucking spoon salesman?

You mean like, door to door?

I have, honestly, no freaking idea all right?

Hey, CHICO.

You get much in the way of spoons salesmen around these parts?

I'm asking you a fucking question.

I already told you he don't speak no English, man.

He doesn't order anything, he just sits.

He's actually one of our better customers.

This is the kind of joint you rob, bro.

He's spooning my girlfriend, okay?

And you never went after her?

Find this fucking guy and did anything about it?

What's there to do?

Fucking kill him to death with a spatula or something how's that?

- Why? -Because she's your fucking girlfriend.

There wasn't anything left anymore.

Bullshit.

I call coward.

He is not a coward.

Oh, sure he isn't, whatever.

Oh yeah?

That was definitely a gunshot.

You know, I think you're right.

Should we, just, you know, maybe go investigate or something?

Are we supposed to do that?

I think so.

Well, okay, we should probably take the guns then.

What do you mean? You're always supposed to take the guns.

Seriously? I've been keeping mine in the glove box the whole time.

What are you, an idiot? Why would you ever do that?

I don't know, I've got, like, a thing about it.

A thing? What thing?

Like, if I'm taking a shit, I might kick my pants and shoot my balls off.

That thing.

How do I look?

Be honest.

You look legit.

Wait.

How do I look?

Like a young Charles Bronson.

No, that doesn't work. He's got like a mustache.

So what if he's got a 'stache?

He's got a mustache. If Meryl Streep were a dude, she'd have one.

True, but I was thinking more...

Like John McClane.

What do you think? Right? Yeah, come on.

I was thinking more John McClane.

What's so funny?

You are as much Bruce Willis as I am Eddie Murphy in "Beverly hills cop".

Yeah, okay, okay.

Eddie Murphy in "Norbit," maybe.

- I'll fucking Norbit you. - Whoa, okay Norby me.

Oh yeah. Your safety's on, buddy.

- Norbit somebody...

Fire that gun one more time, huh?

- I dare you. - Or you'll what?

What are you gonna do about it?

A lot more than Freddy fucking feelings over there,

I tell you that much.

Freddy... What's your name again?

Charley.

Charley is more of a man than you'll ever be.

That's not true.

- That guy right there? - Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh? -Yep, because real men have courage.

This guy right here? This guy's courage?

Real men confront their problems

and courage is a fundamental thing of which you lack.

This is courage?

Nope.

Does anybody else here think

that this is what courage looks like? Anybody?

Please tell me that I'm not out of my fucking mind here.

Oh, sandwich guy.

I totally agree.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Honestly, I could give less of a shit.

I will agree with anyone who gets me back to that table and my fucking lunch.

And then I don't have to listen to you idiots anymore.

Well, this is what's happening now.

Oh, as if anyone needed me to point this out,

Rick, here, suffers from some insane anger management issues.

Eat your fucking sandwich.

Yeah, well living with a person like you will do that.

Another classic defense mechanism,

it's called displacement.

Uh-huh.

- Please don't hit me again, oh god. - Shut up.

This.

This is placement, not displacement,

now you see doctor Judith is wrong yet again.

You're being passive aggressive.

Nope, I am proving a point.

Give me your hand, Charley.

I don't know what you're doing.

I'm gonna help show everyone just how courageous you are.

I'm not.

Now, you're gonna stand there, okay.

You're gonna aim this gun, put it right in his gut

and you're gonna point it at Mr. Hajiv, all right?

Right about now, you're gonna feel your balls drop.

Get nice and tight and heavy, all right?

It's called fun and excitement.

- I don't wanna. - No.

I don't wanna. I don't wanna.

Well, welcome to the world of dating.

By golly, I think our boy's gone and grown up.

Now be quiet and eat your fucking sandwich.

- You asshole. - Hey, I'm sorry.

- What the fuck are you... - Hey, come here.

- I'm sorry, buddy. -Jesus, what's wrong with you?

- I didn't do... - That is your fault.

- I turn right. You turn left. - We practiced so much!

- I always... - We practiced, man.

Shh, we have a situation, shut up.

I swear to god!

If you do that again,

I'm going to shit in my pants.

I'm sorry, it scared me a bit.

- Please focus, for god's sake! - Sorry. I'm trying!

Why are you still talking?

Sit down, eat your fucking sandwich.

- Okay. - Eat your sandwich.

Okay.

All right, you're gonna open the door

and I'll just startle them from behind.

Oh, so more hostages?

Oh yeah, yeah, we just keep piling them up in here

until we get lost in the crowd, huh?

You have a better fucking idea?

Hey, howdy.

- Hey sir.

What the fuck is going on here?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Pete, he has a gun.

- It's okay. - He's got a gun.

- It's okay, I got him. - No, no, behind you.

Over here.

Why the hell you pointing it at me?

Because he's standing right behind you.

- The bullet can't just go around you. - Oh god.

Do you not know physics?

Put the gun on her.

Oh, wow.

What a fuckabout.

Okay, folks, we have a bit of a situation here,

so why don't we all just take a deep breath

and chill or whatever

and somebody explain what's happening

and we'll work through this.

Listen, those two assholes are robbing this bar.

Fucking sellout.

I don't even fucking know you, pal.

You're not my family.

Like you'd know anything about that.

- Now is not the time, sweetheart. - Yep, you know what? It is.

Because I saw you, when he pulled his gun you went straight for the door.

She's right, man, you don't give a shit about anyone except yourself.

Hey guys, hey, over here. Can you do that later?

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, there's a situation.

Yeah, um, let's start with you.

You with the very large gun over there,

why don't you put it down and let's talk.

Oh, I can't. They're making me courageous.

Okay, that makes no sense to me,

but whatever! We can work with it.

That over there is detective Jack Callahan

and I'm Pete Taverez.

We're here to diffuse the situation

and I don't know, not let shit get more fucked up than it already is.

So, um, let me hear you say everything's going to be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Not you, him.

Okay, stay calm, everything's gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Good, now, we're all gonna talk about this

like a bunch of highly civilized...

Why the fuck would you do that?

I didn't mean to!

I'm sorry. I just was trying to pay attention...

Under no circumstances were you supposed to do that, Charley.

Can we put him back together? Can we? He's gonna be okay, right?

No, he's not gonna be fucking okay.

You just blew his head off, all right? He's dead.

Please don't arrest me.

Please don't arrest me.

Why? Do, do, do, please don't arrest me.

This guy's like really, really dead.

Probably shorter than he was this morning.

True.

Look, I don't know how far you've looked ahead

or if you've even thought ahead,

but this guy's got some sort of middle eastern Asian thing going on, right?

So what, we were just hanging around with some white boys

who were executing an Arab in a dive bar?

This isn't fucking Alabama.

Yeah, that certainly adds a few wrinkles.

A few? Many.

Many wrinkles, Pete.

Cover up?

Definitely cover up.

Okay, we're gonna have to do a few things here,

first...

Honestly, enough of that already.

Come on, look at what we're already dealing with.

Stop.

- Go ahead. - Thank you.

We're gonna need everyone's cooperation to fix this situation.

If our boss... If our bosses...

If our bosses come in here and see that we've let this happen,

we're done, right, Pete? We're fucking done.

- See, detective Taverez and I... - Mm-hmm.

We have a really nice pension plan and health benefits

hopefully this will work its own self out.

Myself and detective Callahan, we're going to head out in a bit

and keep the perimeter clear,

just in case of things happening.

Why the fuck should we listen to you guys?

I mean, we're hostages.

Can there still be hostages?

Can I look over how completely fucked this situation is

and ask why I don't get a say in the matter?

Listen, we're all fucking accomplices here, okay?

So get a fucking mop and help clean this shit up.

Thank you. Look at who's all coming together as a team.

It's my phone. Nobody fucking shoot anybody in the face.

Hey, Hillary had the baby.

Everyone, he's an uncle.

I'm an uncle! I'm an uncle!

Congrats, man.

Thanks, buddy. That's really sweet.

Look at his little cheeks.

Are you guys coming back?

Does this mean I have to get her a present?

Are we not having the same day?

Yeah, but we could be the sandwich guy.

Of course, you do realize that if we don't die here today

we're going to be accessories to murder

because clearly, the cops are in on it.

- And do you want to know why? - Why?

Because my fucktard brother thinks he's the Richard Branson of fruit cobbler.

Who the fuck is Richard Branson?

Wow. How are we related?

This day's actually shaping up quite nicely.

I just saved 15 grand.

Hey. You okay?

I'm amazing, clearly.

Anything I can do to help?

Certainly hope so. I mean this is clearly your fault.

No, it's not.

Yeah, well...

I'm sorry.

You know, there's just a few things in life

that a simple "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it for

and I think that this might be one of them.

And why not? I didn't shoot him.

Let me think about that one. "Um, excuse me, sir,

where are your 'I'm sorry for blowing the Paki-fucking-Stani's head off' greeting cards,

because you know, I browsed your entire aisle

but I just can't seem to find the one

that portrays this particular emotion."

Hey, hey. What's the problem over here?

The problem?

What's the problem?

I am literally sitting in a puddle of thoughts.

What's wrong?

We need a theme song.

Yeah, I was just thinking the same damn thing.

We are like totally on the same page.

I was worried, you know, this is great.

Yeah, agreed. So something with a driving rock beat.

Like nirvana or zeppelin.

Ew. I was thinking something a little more contemporary,

you know, like billboard top 40.

- Top 40? - Yeah.

You can't go bust up a shoot out with Adele crying about her boyfriend.

- Hey! - Whoa!

Sorry, but hey don't you dare ever talk about her like that.

She is beautiful and volumptuous.

Very volumptuous and talented.

Just saying that she's not who I would want accompanying me

when I'm going balls out in a room full of criminals.

- No, first of all, you said her. - I didn't say...

I didn't even say Adele.

- And second first of all... - Second of all.

Second first of all, what is your problem with pop music?

First of all, it's "second of all,"

and second of all I don't have one.

Whatever!

Give me my gun.

Give it to me. It's my gun, buddy.

Well, whatever.

You left yours in the bar.

Whoa, hey, hey folks. Hey, hey, hey.

The area's actually been shut down for a while.

- Whoa. - Aah!

Whoa, whoa!

- Give me your gun. - No.

We thought we heard gunshots or something.

How do you guys know what gunshots sound like?

And, uh, easy e over here been playing laser tag with Mac ten?

- Whoa. - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Don't "whoa" me. - Whoa.

There's no need to be aggressive.

- Why don't you show me... - Whoa!

No need for that, okay? He's just saying.

Yeah, I'm just saying, this place is closed down is all.

And we're just trying to keep a safe perimeter

for the safety of folks like you.

Uh, renovations.

You know, power drills, wrenches, stuff like that.

That's what you heard.

Why, what are they building?

Uhh, the bar. The bar things.

- I like bar things. -I didn't even know this place existed.

As far as I'm concerned, it still doesn't.

It's disgusting.

L.A.'s best kept secret.

Shh!

Cool.

- I'm gonna tweet that. - Tweet the shit out of that.

Can we take a selfie?

Tweet the shit out of that.

My life's ruined, you know that?

That's a pretty broad statement.

I was hiding away from this world

never to be found like a...

Like a relic or...

A nobody.

But now thanks to you, I'm a murderer.

There's no hiding anymore.

I'm exposed.

Maybe you are,

but you are not nobody.

You never were.

You're just not who you planned on being at the start.

You're a lunatic. I get it.

So, shit, maybe I am.

I think there's a little bit of lunatic,

little bit of sociopath in all of us.

The difference is that I'm fixing to accept it as part of me,

and now it's your turn to join the cause.

Want to become a murderer?

Why would anyone in their right minds want to do that?

Okay, I put most of the nasty pieces in a bag.

The floor... The floor's pretty clean.

I hate to be a Debbie downer, guys,

but it looks like you missed a spot.

Yeah, well we didn't figure that part out.

But in all fairness, you did get most of the face bits up

and the chicken sandwich is gone, so...

Great.

Great. Yeah.

Well, what are you gonna do with the rest of the fucking body?

Why are you asking me?

Because you're the cockface that brought a gun

into my fucking bar.

First of all, I am not a cockface, you cockface.

Okay, enough. Why don't we take the headless body,

put it in the plastic bag,

and then we'll just throw him in your trunk.

That's precious.

There's no fucking way that thing is going in my trunk.

Why don't we put him in Grady's trunk?

Who the fuck is Grady?

Grady's the fucking owner.

You didn't think this was his place, did you?

Well yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

Please. He just works here.

Excuse me?

I don't just fucking work here,

I'm a staple of this establishment.

I've been here for 20 years,

you, young lady, just work here.

Why don't you go piss on all the fucking tables

and show us which ones are yours.

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

Do you know how many hot tits I see bounce through that door?

I've outlasted every single one of you, sweetheart,

you came with an expiration date.

Like I give a shit.

This is just supposed to be a stopover for me,

whereas this is your whole fucking life and I'm sorry,

but you came with an expiration date

and the milk's gone bad and, you know what, Grady can go fuck himself

and so can you, for that matter.

Hold on a second, is this Grady fella, is he here?

No, his car's been out back for the last five days.

I am not touching that.

That is your fucking problem, my man.

Grady keeps a spare set of keys in the basement.

I am gonna go find them.

Good luck.

And he took me to Jack in the box for my 22nd birthday.

- You love Jack in the box. - Yeah, lots of people love it.

Doesn't mean they take their girlfriends there for their 22nd birthday.

Then why didn't you tell me? I would've taken you to, like, a taco truck or something.

You don't take your girl for fucking street meat.

How are you wired so wrongly you're not getting this?

He's not listening to you.

See, this is his "tuning you out" face.

How does that look any different than how he normally fucking looks?

I blame our mother.

What? You didn't like her, too?

No, she was great. She loved us to death.

So what is the problem?

That is the problem.

She loved us too unconditionally.

It stunted his growth.

For instance, one time, when I was 16 for her 45th birthday

I wanted to buy her a purse, a nice purse, so I got a job

- because I wanted to buy her a coach purse. - I like coach.

Yeah, well, Pablo Picasso, over here, decides he's gonna finger paint a picture

of our fat fuck next door neighbor, Chuck.

Well, what, is he super important to you guys or something?

No, he was a fat fucking idiot who lived next door

who ate paste and he had this fucking dog

that would take these heaping piles of shit on our grass.

What fucking kind of 16 year old kid says "hi mom, thanks for being my mom"

by finger painting a picture of a fat fucking idiot?

What, was there no macaroni around to make her a necklace?

She loved that painting.

Didn't she?

Yes, Brian. She did love the painting,

and that's the problem.

She loved you too unconditionally

and you never became a man.

Guys, we need some help out there with the...

Me, me, me. I volunteer.

- Really? -Yes, yes, just get me away from these guys

and don't shoot me or fuck with me or anything

and I'll do anything you want.

All right.

All right, let's go.

Hey bud, I'd like to volunteer, too.

I got some money I could give you.

Really?

Wanna hold that for me?

What good is that money gonna do?

Seriously?

All the kings horses, all the kings men,

couldn't reattach sandwich man's face again.

Here.

- Take this. - What are you doing?

Take this.

This is you now.

It's Charley hart exposed.

Okay.

Okay, so lesson one, never let yourself get distracted.

It's the difference between being the hunter

and being the hunted.

You're doing... You're doing things to me.

Oh, am I?

Yeah, you're doing that.

That's the problem I find with all men.

Oh, what's that?

They're always thinking with the wrong head.

Are you nuts? This thing could have went off.

Oh, there's no bullets in it.

I don't have a death wish, trust me, sugar.

You got this?

Like this?

Yeah, something like that.

Well, how do I look?

Here.

Like you.

- Hey, go to Facebook and like my status. -Later.

No, come on! Do it now.

Why do I have to do it now?

Because nobody likes anything,

until the first person shows up and does it.

Fine, god.

"Staking out a potential crime scene."

Oh wait, wait, I just got another notification.

You tagged me in your status?

- Did you like it? - I don't wanna like it.

Why are you being such a bitch? Just like my fucking status.

Because.

I'm getting a little concerned with all the people showing up.

They're like hipster zombies.

Don't acknowledge them and they'll go away.

Zombies just don't go away if you ignore them, Petey.

Sure they do.

That's a t-Rex because of their poor sight.

Haven't you ever seen "Jurassic park"? Come on.

Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'm sorry.

- Shit, my analogy doesn't work then. - Well no, it doesn't.

What do you want to do?

Do you have hipster t-rexs?

I don't know.

God, they're multiplying.

We should do something.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Huh?

What are you doing?

I'm communicating.

What? Should I do it, too?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. What now?

More blood just came out of his head hole thing, man.

My god, fuck, I'll get some paper towels. God damn it.

- Aw, shit, man. - We ain't got that far to go.

Dude, I'm gonna straight up vomit, yo.

Like, dude, I'm like a vegan sometimes

and this man meat is fucking gettin' in my head, dude.

Shit.

Hey man, can I ask you a question?

Will it make a difference if I say no?

Why do you do stuff like this, man?

I mean, I'm not an idiot, I get that, like, people need to make money and stuff

but it's, just, like, you don't really seem like that type of guy.

What type of guy is that?

The type of guy that gets in a fight with his girl

just right in front of everyone and just kind of sorta takes it?

You don't even know the half of it.

No, dude, I know all of it, man.

You know that girl, Nikki, in there?

She's always on my case about like fucking making money

or, like, getting a job, or growing up.

Oh, my god, it never ends with Reni.

Nothing I ever do is ever good enough for her

or even worse, it's a doorway to another argument.

Oh man, dude, you don't need that sort of stress, man.

You are like, a really nice guy.

I am a really nice guy.

Yeah, a real "take home to mom" kind of guy.

I work three jobs.

Oh yeah? Is this one of them?

And I go to night school.

Whoop-de-fucking-do.

Dude, do not let her get you down, all right?

What you gotta do is you just gotta relax, okay?

You gotta freaking quit your job

or whatever you're doing and just watch a sunrise

or, like, catch up on some reruns, you know?

I can't fucking quit. That's crazy.

What's crazy is you working like a dog for some chick

that doesn't even respect you

and makes you fucking rob dive bars.

That's what's up.

I don't do it for her.

I guess I do it for me.

That's dark, man.

You're a straight up masochist, bro.

Hardly.

- Come on. - All right.

One, two, three, lift.

See, part of life is doing something with it.

No, dude, that's that same propaganda shit.

You sound like my brother, you gotta get

that corporate wired bullshit out of your head, man.

They programmed you to say that, dude.

You know if you're gonna talk to me about sunrises

and positive vibes you gotta know how to balance the equation first.

What do you mean by that?

How can you just take everything in

without giving anything back?

Makes you wanna do something you love.

Something you're passionate about.

You know, things that add up to the universal flow that you're going on about.

Things that would inspire others to go

and do great things of their own.

Otherwise, what's the purpose of living?

That's like Monet really appreciating art.

But never painting anything himself,

just sit on his fucking ass in the champs-�lys�es all day.

Now, I know it's an extreme example,

but what a waste that would have been.

- Everyone's life, it means something. - Fuck.

If you fucking drop it again, you can fucking clean it.

My bad, dude, it's just he's blowing my mind over here.

And his mind's all ready been blown, so I don't even know.

It's all right.

Why don't you run off and go grab vin, okay?

- Yeah, I can do that. - You clean this up.

You're not gonna fucking help me?

Ain't my cup of tea, darlin'.

Moskowitz.

Hey, man.

Nikki.

Nikki.

What?

Listen, I, um...

I want to apologize.

For what?

This isn't your fault.

Um, earlier when I said you were a bad person.

I'm sorry, okay?

You seem all right, I guess.

Well, maybe i... Maybe I misjudged you.

You know he talks about you all the time.

Most of the time it comes off like he's complaining,

but it's love if there ever was any.

- He looks up to you.

I find that hard to believe.

Seeing you was probably the only reason he ever agreed to this whole thing

and yes, for the record, it was my idea.

He loves you

because he doesn't have to be you.

Martin, Martin Sullivan,

real estate developer, MBA Stanford 2006,

b.S. In economics, Berkeley 2001,

salutatorian George r. Wallace high school class of '97,

football team, debate club.

How the fuck do you know that?

You could smell it on me, right?

My sickness?

Problem is...

I want more.

Just like you.

Two roads, one parallel path.

Because let's be real, Brian's the man I'm with,

but you're the one I want.

What the fuck are you doing?

You were right about him.

He never learned how to be a man.

What are you doing, vin?

Sorry, kids, show's over.

I wouldn't do that, if I was you.

You know, I didn't mean anything by what I said earlier.

I put my fucking soul into this place

and what do I have to show for it?

A spot in the queue behind every fake-titted hottie looking for work in this town.

Excuse me, but my boobs are real.

Just let us go, vin.

Your lady, she was on to something. She's a smart one.

Wrong place...

Wrong time.

What are you doing, Charley?

I could ask you the same thing.

Look, haven't you done enough damage for one day?

Put the fucking gun down.

Not this time.

Not last time either.

Look how well that worked out.

Don't you understand?

Grady lied to me, man. He fucked me.

Oh, you're not the only one with problems.

- Yeah, you got that right. - Oh right, yeah,

because it was my idea to close this place down.

What else is my problem?

Oh, my fucking god, it never fucking ends with you!

Jesus Christ, you two, we're not doing this again.

You know, I know a professional who would really help you

get in touch with your core values.

What the fuck?

Are you working for this woman now?

I might as well, she has a real job.

Did you know, that in America,

dreams aren't tendered currency?

Yeah, and how you payin' the new bitch over here?

Designer cupcakes?

Go ahead, shoot me in the back, won't be the first time.

Wow, look at you all noble.

Look, Grady has the fucking money.

I don't know where it is,

but I've been trying to get it out of him for a week.

Wait, so what are you hiding?

All right, I got him tied up.

- Who, Grady? - -Yeah.

I've done everything north of killing the old bastard,

been beating on him for a week.

Could've sworn that you were just masturbating.

I wasn't fucking masturbating. Who fucking does that at work?

Slap my ass.

I can't.

So when do I start?

Start what?

- My job at your office. - You don't even know what I do.

Whatever, land development, property management, whatever you do.

Don't make me tell Brian about this.

You're one insidious bitch.

You know me and you like it.

I mean, it's all a moot point

if we don't get anything out of him.

Am I right?

What are you saying?

Let's go meet this guy, then.

- Aah! - Ooh!

Why'd the hell you do that, Charley?

She told me there wasn't any bullets in it! Oh, I'm sorry.

I was trying to give you confidence.

How the hell am I supposed to know that?

You're gonna point that at me?

What?

I'm just... I'm just gonna see who's at the door, okay?

Don't you fucking leave.

What the fuck is going on here?

What? Wow, really?

Every time we come in here.

What's wrong with you people?

Let's go meet the fucking guy.

Come on.

Now that was a gunshot.

I dislike violence.

I was a vegan for a while, at Vassar.

Yeah, man, I'm a vegan too.

Yeah, we're all kind of vegan.

Are they filming something in there?

Fuckin' right they're shooting something in there.

So, you guys aren't cops, you're like actual actors.

Yes.

That's hot.

Thanks.

So Coachella this year wasn't as good as it normally is,

but burning man is really chill this year.

Have you ever been to any concerts?

Like, you probably saw, like, Elvis

or something or Mozart? How old are you?

Oh, you probably went to Woodstock probably,

because... or did they even have music when you were young?

- Oh. - -Oh, hey guys.

The fairy fucking godmother returns.

Well, what have we here?

And they said the spice girls would never get back together.

Been stuck down here with... Used tampon spice.

We got fairy dragon spice, hood rat spice.

They found him, they said he couldn't... they found Waldo.

Waldo spice.

Fucking band's back together.

This is our big break.

Are you serious?

What do you see out there?

Well, Pete, I see a lot of witnesses.

Really? I see our first audience.

I mean, look at them all.

10 years from now, they're gonna say,

"shit man, hey, I was there."

Uh, Pete, there for what?

We go inside, we clean up the mess, we come out heroes

and all anyone remembers, through these guys, is us doing our thing.

We're gonna miss don's improv class, Pete.

Fuck don, think Scorsese.

We're gonna be huge.

Huge!

You really mean that?

Yes.

- Like action stars? - Yes.

What's our first move?

- We gotta gear up. - Why?

Because you dropped your gun the second you walked in there.

Wait a second, I got scared.

- I got really scared. - I'm not blaming you.

But try to stay in character next time.

Well, we can't go back to the station.

Where are we gonna get you a gun, then?

My mom.

My mom!

Are you fucking nuts?

No, my mom.

Dude, she can take out, like, a small developing country.

You know, like, um, like Asia!

Or something, right?

- Right? - Right. Small.

You know what, ask me.

Ask me what else I have there, man. Just ask me.

Come on, let me hear it.

What else do you have there?

My gopro.

My gopro is there!

Holy shit.

Oh, my god.

We film the whole thing.

Oh, my god. The greatest demo reel ever.

I love where your head's at right now.

Oh, my god! Yeah!

Hold on a second. Yo, hey, anyone wanna be a P.A.?

Me, me. Pick me.

- Anyone? - What are you doing?

- You're crewing up now. - Okay.

Anyone? Hey yeah, uh, you with the orange scarf.

Yeah, you, buddy, come on.

- Orange is my favorite color, so that's good. -That's good.

That's why I picked it. I was thinking of you. Always.

- Uh, oh, hey man. - Uh, hey man.

Hey, we're gonna have to pull our awesome car around

in a bit and make an entrance

I need you on crowd control.

- Control the crowd. - Your people.

What's in it for me?

$50.

I made $400 as a stand-in in a Cialis commercial last month.

I need five, and the potential for a walk-on.

- Speaking part? - Don't push it.

Don't push it.

Fine. What do I do?

Um, I need you to get the crowd pumped up, like totally amped.

- Okay. - Okay.

And, take this.

One second. You're sure you've got more?

You're sure your mom has more?

One second. Of course.

- You promise? - Yes, of course.

All right. Keep them in line.

Welcome to the production team, skittles.

Can I call you "skittles"?

It's a Beretta nine mil.

The name's Trevor.

- Trevor. - Okay, skittles.

Vinny, how many years has it been, huh?

How many years have I overpaid your fat ass

to do the job of a fucking autistic monkey?

I mean we only serve two drinks, for Christ's sake, light or dark.

It ain't like you're working at the chateau Marmont and you have to know French.

You don't even have to know English!

For Christ's sake!

You could decide your order with a fucking flip of a coin.

So what it's been?

10 years?

20?

And this is how you repay me.

You weren't so mouthy before, Grady.

You were begging me to let you go like a bitch.

Well, you'd certainly know about that, wouldn't you?

Coming in here all bowlegged,

looking like David Crosby after a colonoscopy.

Too bad you let tampon spice go, we could use him.

You don't have any idea

of what I'm talking about, do you?

It's over your head. The vagina and its mysteries

are just an enigmatic nuance to you, aren't they?

I'm gay.

I've been in a committed relationship

for as long as I've been working for this shitbag.

Oh right, right, your big black boyfriend, precious.

His name is Douglas.

And if he heard the way you were speaking about him he'd eat you alive.

Of course he'd eat me. That's what he does!

He's a cock gobbler!

He's actually an incredible man.

Yeah, you get my vote for prom queen.

Seriously, stop, stop.

He's just trying to get you riled up, okay?

So let's just cut the shit and get down to business.

See, I like her. Straight to the point.

Okay, you're sitting on a lot of cash, and we need it.

Oh, for fuck's sake, like I've been trying to tell mother Hubbard here,

there ain't no money. This is it.

I've been working here for 20 years.

I do your books, Grady.

There ain't any fucking money!

So go ahead and keep tickling me, you big Mary.

It ain't gonna change nothing. It ain't gonna do any good.

I wish you had the nerve you think you have.

You were a good kid.

You're a sweet kid.

You're a good man.

You don't have the nuts to finish this.

No, but he does.

The most dangerous man I have ever seen with a gun.

He is a flat-out cold-blooded killer.

I've taken shits that are scarier than him.

And bloodier.

I'm just tremblin' in my fucking boots.

Then you haven't seen him work.

Oh, sh... Christ, that really stings.

I'm just trying to clean it, so I can see.

And then what?

I don't know. I'm not the one with the gun.

I was kind of hoping you'd know what to do?

I've actually never been shot before.

Rick is a man of peace.

Oh yeah, you know this how?

We had this whole moment before and, like, got to know him

and got really good vibes off this guy.

Oh, yeah? Criminals with good vibes. Real nice.

Just to be clear, I am not a criminal.

That's right, you are the man of many jobs.

I was studying to be an architect.

And then I moved out here because of Reni.

So night school, I'm almost finished.

That's cool as fuck, bro.

I love it, actually.

This really amazing mixture of science and artistic freedom.

One of the oldest professions in the world, actually.

Oh yeah, besides prostitution.

I was watching this documentary on the history channel

and it was called "sluts of Mesopotamia" or something.

And, like, it was awesome. Like yeah, anyway,

sorry, sorry, doesn't matter, keep going.

That's all right.

You're trying to pledge this, like, really old fraternity.

You know, the pyramids, the Eiffel Tower,

Brooklyn bridge, Burj Khalifa.

Oh yeah, love his albums. He's sick.

No, that's wiz Kalifa.

Burj Khalifa is one of the tallest buildings in the world, actually.

Anyway, you're trying to make the next great thing.

I've wanted that for a long time.

Just got a little sidetracked.

That's a lot more noble

than I was expecting out of you.

What the hell's going on out there?

It's getting really loud.

Hey, hey, you can't leave.

I'm not leaving, I'm just gonna check it out.

Well, what do you see?

Bunch of hipsters, guy with a pretty sick mustache,

some out-of-work actors, um, hippies.

Bunch of hippies out there.

- Oh, wonderful. - No man, they're cool guys.

- You sure about that? - Oh, yeah.

Those are my type of people out there.

- So. - Get fucked, Waldo.

I have got a gun.

I've got a dick.

But neither one of us have much need for it, do we?

Tell me where the money is.

Or... or I'll make you tell me.

The safety's on.

I've got something for you guys to play cops and robbers with.

Wow.

That's great, mom.

Listen, I'm sorry it took so long,

but I had trouble finding everything

because it's not in your father's closet anymore.

We're gonna expand the bathroom.

Yeah, I bought me one of those huge bathtubs with the massage jets

so I knocked out his whole closet.

When did you decide to do all of this, mom?

Well, he's been dead nine years, he's not gonna miss it.

Where's all my stuff, then?

I put it in the garage.

Oh, but I had to get rid of all your magic the gathering cards,

I mean, they were everywhere.

So I gave it to that cute little chinkster down the street.

I mean, he doesn't seem to have any friends either.

Mom, come on.

Oh, and I was gonna bring your grandfather's claymores

but they were nestled, stuck, behind your Barbie's dream castle.

Okay, can we not...

Your family is terrifying.

This is awesome.

Hey, Pete, shut up.

Did you bring the gopro?

Did you... you know the camera, with the strappy things?

Oh, you mean the sex camera?

No, it's not sex, we use it for biking.

Snowboarding and stuff like that, not sex.

Oh, okay, that makes sense.

But like I'm tellin' ya, I know you wanna be famous

but you're never gonna be famous making a sex tape.

You know, I know your little peepee, it's got a crook in it.

- Oh, no! - And I think...

It's grown a lot. A lot.

It's bigger than yours.

Uh, my cock has never been bigger than it is right now.

Oh, I got you guys government-issue standard Kevlar...

Jackets.

- Slip that in. - That's for you, Pete.

That's enough. That's enough, mom stop.

- Listen, thank you. - G.I. Joe helmet, honey.

He loves g.I. Joe.

Such a soft little head.

There we go.

- Oh, and I'm taping the smurfs. - Thanks, mom.

I really don't wanna hurt you.

You're a fuck up.

I am not a fuck up.

I'm a success waiting to happen.

Oh yeah, and I'm Estelle Getty's twat.

Congratulations, kid, you met a celebrity today.

You just made an assassin mad.

I hope you realize that was a huge mistake,

because now this is gonna happen.

What, are you gonna butter my bread?

No, I'm gonna cut your fucking ear off.

Don't do this to yourself, kid.

Wrong answer.

- Yeah, you feel anything yet? - No, I don't.

How about now?

Ow, ow, oh, ow. Oh, oh, oh.

You're killing me.

Could you move, maybe...

Want me to move my head?

- A little bit, I can't see. - Which way?

- That way. - To my left?

- Your left. - All right.

Oh, it's getting red now. Uh huh.

Oh yeah, wow.

And you're... Feeling nothing.

All right, this worked a lot better when there was some music

to listen to and the guy was scared.

You could go outside and get Liberace's iPod, bring it back...

Oh, I will break you, okay?

With a butter knife?

Fine.

I think your first move is to kick a chair.

You get in there, you kick it, you kick the fuck outta that chair.

You kick it straight across the fucking room.

Okay, and I'm gonna look in your eyes,

you look at my eyes and we'll look back in your eyes...

And I'm gonna get you on the gopro.

- It'll probably scare the shit out of him. - Absolutely.

- I don't know, we just, like, remove the injured hostages. -Exactly.

- So, uh... - Yeah, what's up?

- Hey, hey guy. -So they're all ready for you guys to come in, right?

Hey, when do I get...

When do I get to be on camera?

Uh, never?

- Never. - Dude, you're a P.A.

You said I'd get a walk-on.

Oh, did we sign something saying that?

That's fucked up.

- This guy's the actor. - That's fucked up.

I've been riling everybody out here for you.

Look how excited they are.

Make noise.

Fine. Fine, okay, look. We make our entrance, right?

And you come in after us.

All right. All right, do I enter here?

- Or should I get in the car? -Don't you fucking dare touch the car.

- Stay away from the car. - Dare touch the fucking car.

Get out of here, go stand with your people, okay? Fuck.

Can I keep the gun? Is that all right?

This fucking guy. Fine, keep the gun, but also, take my camera.

Okay, my phone, my camera phone, 2-in-1, okay? So don't damage this.

I want pictures of the entrance.

Okay?

Oh, come, come.

Now go mind the goddamn crowd!

Fucking shit.

We're gonna make a big entrance.

They're gonna come right in here.

I do not want him in our shot.

No way, we'll cut him out in post.

Good job, skittles!

Remember our training.

We've been taking acting classes for three years,

for this moment.

Let's do it.

Wait.

What's our song?

You could help, by the way.

Yeah, I could, but I am not going to.

I don't think I like your attitude.

Well, I don't think I like anything about you,

so I guess that makes us even.

Is that right?

Guys, could you please not?

Could I not?

Are you seriously asking me to suppress my feelings?

- Yes. - Dr. Judith would...

Oh, go fucking piss on Dr. Judith.

I'm going to fucking slap your bitch ass.

Ladies!

Do you know who I am, Grady?

Uh, Tony Bennett's swollen prostate?

I'm the guy who's here to kill you.

Third one today, go figure.

So you do know what I'm doing here.

What is this?

The world's slowest moving short bus?

I'm gonna make it really easy for you, okay?

There. Ain't.

No. Fucking money!

Told you he wouldn't budge.

If you'd indulge me, I'd really like a chance to change your mind.

Go for it.

Thanks.

You hear that?

You have a cell phone?

Hey.

Who you calling?

Se�or.

Where you going? Se�or!

Fuck!

Oh, jeez!

What is wrong with you people?

Because I am not staging the biggest action sequence of my life

with fucking Kesha playing in the background.

I said no Demi Levato, I agreed to no Demi Levato,

but what's wrong with Kesha?

She's a fucking icon!

So was Britney Spears for a minute,

but I don't want it playing in my ear

while I'm tearing the house down.

Okay, they'll be like, "oh, what was your inspiration

for, like, saving all those fucking people?" And I'm like

"oh, I don't know, uh, Britney's video for 'toxic'

like really gets my balls tied in a knot."

Better yet we'll listen to radiohead

and get into the fetal position.

I said something with a bad ass rock anthem!

What?

They're getting impatient.

Let's go.

- Fuck. - Jesus, man.

Rock, paper, scissors.

One takes it. All right?

- One takes it? - One takes it.

- One takes it? -One, two, three, shoot, then one takes it.

One, two, three, shoot.

Yeah! Whoo! Rock conquers all!

You said one takes it.

- I said one. - You said one.

That's not a one.

- You said one! - I didn't mean it literally.

When did you you change the rules?

You have scissors, I automatically win by default.

Buddy, you know, we had every intention

in approaching you like professionals.

But it's clear to us that you're withholding details,

which in my world is not exactly an alluring quality.

You understand?

You see, in my world,

a world in which I am well-versed,

this is my language.

So as far as you're concerned, I'm fucking Rosetta stone.

Now,

I can look at a liar in the face

and tell what he's gonna say from the second he speaks.

And you, my friend,

you're a goddamn liar.

I can smell it on you.

Funny story. I once knew a liar.

Couldn't keep his story straight.

So, he lost his head.

So, what's it gonna be, old man?

You gonna hang out with our buddy down here

or are you gonna play ball?

All right.

First of all, my name's not Grady, it's Gary.

Gary Moskowitz.

But you're a southie.

No, you putz.

I'm a Jew from New York. Bayside, New York.

My mother died in '62, my father picked up,

came out here with the insurance money

and what she'd left him, he opened this place.

It's called "Jonny's sweet revenge"

because it was like the last "fuck you" to the old lady.

When he died, I came out here and took over.

That makes sense.

The pictures on the wall, Moskowitzs in all.

What about the bank accounts?

That's all that matters.

I have gambling debts to not-really-nice people.

Unfortunately, lady luck has smiled on me

about as much as any other lady in this town.

So the only entity that's ever fucked me

on a regular basis is the Dallas cowboys.

So now I've got the bookies up my ass and you guys up my ass.

They all want money that I don't have.

That's why I'm selling the place, Princess.

I believe him.

Oh, you can't be serious.

We need something out of this.

I need something out of this.

That sounded like it came from the bar.

- Rick. - -Oh, no.

- You wanna untie the old man? - -Not really.

- Oh, my god, Rick! - Dammit.

- Fuck you. - I'd like to see you try.

They shot me, Jesus Christ.

I don't know why.

Aw! Fuck.

I would like to propose a trade.

Whoa, you speak English, dude?

You see a guy with Hispanic features

and assume he's Mexican?

You mean, you're not Mexican?

Well, no, I am Mexican.

I mean, my father...

My father is Mexican. I'm from Alhambra.

Oh, I've been to Alhambra,

that exit 22 off the freeway. They got that Jamba...

Whoa, how'd you get in?

Through the back door.

It's simple.

You get your friend back and I get what I came for.

And what's that?

Hey, I don't give a shit.

But I'm not a bargaining chip, okay?

I'm a human. I'm a fucking veteran.

- Fuck you. - You know, maybe,

you shouldn't borrow what you can't pay back

do you have the money or not, Grady?

How much does he owe?

$47,258.52.

So what's it gonna be?

The old man or the walking wounded?

- The old man. - What?

Time to go, baby.

Okay, okay.

Marsha, hold up.

You are all, without a doubt in my mind,

the coldest, most selfish, conniving...

- One love. - Passive aggressive.

Passive aggressive bottom feeders

I've ever come across in all my years.

Make it loud!

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity,

these great epiphanies,

where I wonder if my true talents aren't being wasted,

if I have anything to add to the human condition.

So, thank you

for today.

Because whenever I begin to question my station in life,

I'm gonna think about you,

and I'm gonna be grateful that I'm not you.

You see folks, this is only a job,

and I'll always be me.

And when you think about it,

that's a pretty wonderful way to be.

Yeah, that's just one guy's opinion. Whatever dude.

- All righty then, vamanos.

Did you hear that shit?

What the fuck?

Pete, Pete, Pete! You know what you need to do!

Shit.

I'm totally bleeding.

They killed Trevor!

Pete, who the fuck is Trevor?

Skittles, the production assistant!

I got it on the gopro, though. We're gonna be heroes.

Action stars.

Okay, everybody go!

I fucking love you! I fucking love you!

Don't fucking die!

You all right, Tessa?

Yep, dandy.

Hold the phone. Hold on.

What's happening, Pete?

Nobody shoot.

Don't you fucking move.

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

Tried that one already,

but nobody seems to listen.

We can work something out.

Hey.

You killed my P.A., motherfucker.

You can kiss my Mexican ass.

You're on Instagram, bitch!

What a bunch of fucking idiots.

Wow, you guys are straight-up murderers.

You just shot that guy in the head and he gave up.

I felt threatened, okay? Do you feel threatened?

Because I felt threatened.

I feel a little bit threatened.

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

We ain't through with you, yet.

Hey, everyone, let's just put it down, okay?

Not you, Callahan.

Pick up the gun. You guys put it down.

Okay, now...

Why the hell are you pointing the gun at me?

Everyone else was taken.

You know what they call this, Reni?

What's that?

Meaningful cooperative experience

of the nurturing embrace of common moral virtue.

You guys really should consider getting new therapists.

We're not really ones to talk.

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

No, you know what, if I get shot

I am not going out with this on my conscience.

What are you talking about?

I fucked your brother.

I fucked him in the office earlier. I fucked him.

That's heavy.

Brian, look, it was an accident.

We were tied up and then...

She just slipped onto your dick.

Time keeps passing on, but romance stays the same.

It really was an accident.

He's telling the truth.

It was my fault.

So what now?

What do we do now?

There is no we.

There's a you and a me.

It's over.

It was over before we got here, huh?

This is how I die,

in a barroom massacre.

This is it.

Let's do it.

What if I had like a crazy idea?

I'm down to hear that.

Okay, so you know all those people outside,

those are, like, potential customers.

We were filming them.

I actually I told them this street was closed down,

we're actually building a sound stage inside. I'm sorry.

No man, it's okay. Those are my people.

Like, that's the sort of stuff they're into.

Like old divey bars with a history.

I mean, it's just like the farmer's market but with, like, alcohol.

I don't know how to make this any clearer.

I'm not keeping the place.

You don't have to.

You could sell it to me. Sully could lend me the money.

And I could run this place. I could do it.

Yeah, I guess so, Brian.

That's all well and good, fellas.

What about the rest of us?

Vin, you know this place better than anyone.

You could run it.

But what about all the dead bodies?

Blame the Mexicans.

What?

Oh shut up, like you weren't all thinking the same thing.

We... We can't let that fly.

- It leaves us as the morons who let it happen. - It's not good.

Guys, I vote we just burn this fucking place to the ground.

Leave the dead bodies inside.

What the fuck good is that gonna do?

- The insurance money. - -Oh, yeah, yeah.

Moskowitz can keep the money

and then we could rebuild the bar.

Oh shit, Rick, you could help design the new place.

That'd be awesome.

Yeah, Rick is like a totally good architect.

I'm finishing school, but yeah.

Yeah, and then the detectives can take Rick and Tessa out of here and look like heroes.

And then the rest of us can just escape out back into the Mexicans' Van.

And Sully can help me make up a nice business plan that works.

He's like crazy good at that sort of stuff,

you guys don't even know.

What about me?

You get off clean.

That's a pretty good deal.

You know what, I want some of that insurance money.

Oh, please, just chill out, okay?

Tell me I got a piece of that pie or I will shoot your ass down.

Please, do not do this.

Please.

Why the hell are you defending them

after what they just did to you?

She's always wanted him,

or at least the idea of him.

I'll find my own good vibe on... whatever.

I'll be fine, okay. Just live and let die, man.

I thought you were with me.

There's something about a girl who orders a bloody Mary.

Something mysterious.

I need that.

I am with you.

We won't get what we came here for.

I think I already did.

I don't want their money.

What do you say?

Are you with me?

So, where next?

Well...

There's a spoon factory I want to stop by.

Just take a second.

It's Charley hart exposed

what are you, the expert now?

No, just being me.