Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey.

Boy.

How are you?

What are we doing here?

How come we didn't go to your office?

Well, I didn't go to my office yet, I, uh, I...

Hi, can I get you some coffee?

I'll have a decaf.

Okay.

Okay.alright.

Thank you.

Can I get you some coffee?

Wouldn't you love that?

Um, I left susie last night.

It was a whole big thing, I had to...

I got the hell out of there and I told her

I'm going to a hotel, don't call me.

Wow.

Yeah.

Holy cow.

Yeah, look I don't know if it's gonna go any further

and just a separation type situation, but, uh...

Well, I mean, it was a long time coming,

and, you know...

Yeah, um, my problem is,

I don't know about the divorce thing, because, you know,

I don't want her telling people about me,

I don't want things to come out in court.

I never broke the law, you know, but personal things.

What kind of things? What do you mean?

Like sexual.

You know, there's certain sexual things that I like,

and I don't want susie yammering about what they are.

There not horrible, evil things,

they don't involve anything that's against the law.

She's got some...

Yeah, but, you know, just, um, stuff...

You don't want her to repeat.

I don't want her to repeat.

So, that's why...

This is sexual blackmail, what is that?

Sexual blackmail.

That is just awful.

That's, yeah it's...

See, that's why I've never done anything even remotely kinky.

Ever, with anyone.

Nothin'.

The craziest thing I've done, I've been on the bottom.

You know, that's it.

Not even with your wife, nothing, like, you know...

Well, look what's happening with your wife.

So, you protected yourself ahead of time.

I don't tell my wife anything, I don't confide in my wife.

I don't trust anybody.

I just treat her like an acquaintance.

Do you think I want her blabbing about me to people?

No, no...

If we got divorced tomorrow, she'd have nothing to say,

nothing she could say.

Or maybe she could say I hate a couple of people,

but that's, but that's it.

I probably said a couple nasty things about you,

but other than that...

Well, that's assumed, so...

I do need you to do me a huge favor,

and that is go over by my house and get my clothes.

Susie will know all about it, and, uh...

She's gonna be there?

Yeah, she probably will be there.

Pushing secret codes and all that.

She'll eat me alive.

Just grab my stuff.

Boy, I feel like it's, like...

It's almost worse than confronting a mourner.

I owe you, big time.

No, you don't owe me.

I'll go later today.

Oh, my god.

You would not believe this article.

You would not believe what a political agenda triple "a" has.

Honestly.

They just want more roads, so, there will be more cars,

so, they'll have more members and more money coming in.

They don't care about the environment,

they don't care about pollution,

and we're members!

We're supporting this?

You should read this.

I'm going to.

Why are you so quiet?

I'm not quiet, you're reading.

Are you thinking about sex?

What the hell are you talking about, now?

Whenever you're quiet,

you're usually thinking about sex.

I'm not thinking about sex, I mean, that's kind of...

You're not, you're not thinking about

a little afternoon sex or something?

I'm just curious.

Just kind of kinky.

You think I'm kinky?

Do you think you're kinky?

Well, you just said, that's kind of kinky.

Do you think I'm kinky?

Well... i'm no.

I'm just saying,

for you to want to have sex in the afternoon,

is kind of crazy.

Well, first of all, I didn't say I wanted to

have sex in the afternoon, did I?

That's what you said, why do you say that?

You got a lot going on in there that you don't ever...

Like, sick things going on, is that what you think?

I didn't say sick.

You think there are sick, twisted things going on?

Are there sick, twisted things going on?

No, not at all.

No.

I don't know where you get that from.

I'm just thinking about Jeff, that's all.

Forget it, forget I said anything.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I got to go call, Jason Alexander.

For the show?

Yeah, we're gonna get together.

Do you believe that I might be getting back

into network television?

I think it's great.

Alright.

He really loves the idea.

That's good.

I mean, he can't stop talking about it.

( Ringing )

Hello?

Hey, Jay?

Uh, who is this?

L.d.

Hey, lar?

What's shakin'?

We gonna hook up and talk about the show?

Yeah, that's what I'm calling about?

Great, great, where do you want to do this?

Um, well, we could do it,

we could do it here, we could do it in my office...

Would you mind coming here?

Okay, alright, I'll meet you there.

You don't mind?

No, no, that will be fine.

Three o'clock, okay?

Alright, I'll see you then.

Okay pal.

Bye.

Never fails.

Every time I have to go to a meeting,

or there's a meeting,

it's never in my office, or my house.

I'm always going.

Nobody's ever coming to me.

I've never had a meeting in my house or in my office.

Never, I don't even need chairs in front of my desk.

Nobody ever sits there.

Every meeting, I'm traveling.

Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere.

Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere.

Hey, jabroni, open the window.

I'm, I'm awfully, I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't ask your opinion.

I've got three kids in there scared half to death,

because some bald-headed turd is shooting at 'em.

No, sir, we were playing cowboys and Indians.

Have you heard of columbine?

It's idiots like you,

that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence.

No, I'm not a violent...

Shut up!

Do you know what you're looking at?

You are looking at 245 pounds of twisted steel,

and drop your bony butt to the curb appeal.

I will body slam you so hard,

that you will poop your bald pants.

You hear me?

Yes, sir.

Don't you ever,

ever point another finger at my kids again,

because if you do, I will break it off,

and shove it right up your sphincter.

You hear me?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, seven, one, three, five,

zero, three, five, nine.

That's impossible!

When?

Okay, well, I want to get it reinstated.

No, she had no authorization to do that.

No, that's my wife.

No, I don't want to cancel it.

Alright, thank you very much.

Alright, thank you very much.

Dude, you're gonna bust your bumper.

What?

You're gonna bust right through your bumper.

Oh.

It goes through, right in front of your other tire.

Your back tire.

And use the crank, it makes it easier.

Which one?

Right there.

Which, there's two cranks.

You got to loosen the lug nuts first.

You mean, before I lift it?

Am I too close to the curb?

Ugh!

Do you know anything about changing a tire?

You want to help me change a tire here?

Could use a little help.

No?

Need a little assistance.

I never took a shop class and I need a little help.

Okay, I'm just coming flat out and saying, help me.

That's...

Anybody want to help semi-retarded individual, change a tire?

$25, $30?

$30 to change a tire.

Okay, $35.

$35 to change this tire for me, right now.

I'll give you $35.

I'll give you $10 for a response.

For a verbal response, $10.

Anybody want to make $10 and respond verbally?

No?

( Larry David ) so, then he calls me a bald turd.

Five minutes later, my tire...

Oh, Jesus Christ, so, he cut it,

he slashed the tire.

Slashed the tire, yeah.

Sonofabitch.

The guy's coming with my car

and I got to drive him back to the gas station,

so, I got to go downstairs.

Now?

Yeah, in a couple of minutes, he's gonna be here.

I'm sorry.

Alright, did you get a license plate or anything?

The guy's license is "14 Thor".

"14 Thor"?

And he looked like a nordsman of some kind?

There's a guy, there's a professional wrestler,

you know, one of the guys...

His first name's Thor, Thor, um, oleson.

Thor oleson.

That sounds familiar.

And I think, there's a big wrestling thing in town

at the staples center, it could be him.

You're kidding?

He's in L.A. for this...

Yeah, who else would have a plate like that?

And he sounded like a wrestler

when he was standing over my window saying "argh argh"

he was doing that voice.

Yeah, it sounds just, the description is like

exactly the same as what you're saying.

Big, huge guy, long, blond ir.

What's this thing?

Oh, that?

You ever get one of these?

No, what are these?

Supposedly, I drove through some sort of red light,

or an intersection of some kind, and I have these photos now.

Holy cow, they took your picture?

Yeah, they had the thing up on the light.

I don't mind it if they actually catch you

doing something illegal, but not on camera.

Jesus, am I fat.

Yeah, it looks like you've put on a couple of pounds.

Yeah, yeah.

Horrendous.

Well, I'm real sorry, what a wasted day.

No, listen.

Alright, I'll tell you, you want to do tomorrow?

I don't think there's that much to go over, really.

Yeah, let's make a time with Vera,

you'll come back in tomorrow,

I got some openings in the afternoon,

and, uh, we'll kick it around for an hour or so.

We'll get into it.

Okay, I was kind of thinking

maybe tomorrow we could do it in my office in Santa Monica?

No, let's, that's okay, let's not do that.

We'll do it here.

This is good, this works.

This is good.

Well, it's kind of a lot easier for me,

if we could do it in Santa Monica.

I mean, you know, I came here today,

so, tomorrow maybe...

Yeah, it just, it kind of works a little better for me,

if you come here.

It's a little easier.

I can focus on it a little better.

I got a very nice office.

You'll be able to focus on anything.

I got a very comfortable chair.

I got blackboards up there, we can write it all out.

You know, it'll be a breeze.

It's not the office, I'm very low maintenance.

You know, we were supposed to have a meeting.

And we haven't had a meeting.

So, let's start by doing what we set out to do.

Let's accomplish that, let's have a meeting,

here at my office.

We did attempt to have the meeting,

and I did make the drive part.

So, the drive part, that I did do.

Yeah, the driving, you got down good, but uh...

So, that's a little out of balance now.

'Cause I did my drive, and...

It, but it's not out of balance,

'cause you were driving and I was waiting.

So, but the important thing is, we didn't meet.

Well, the waiting, there's a lot to do while you're waiting.

There's nothing to do while you're driving.

Tomorrow, if you want to drive to my office,

I'll be happy you can keep me waiting

for as long as you want.

I know, but we made a plan.

I understand, but, yeah...

We set up a plan.

We said, we'll meet at my office and we'll have a meeting.

Yes.

That's the plan,

that hasn't been accomplished, let's accomplish that.

But we attempted to have the meeting, but it was aborted.

Then we failed, let's have that meeting.

We, we're having that meeting right now.

This is not a meeting about the show.

This is a meeting about having a meeting.

I know, but the intention is the same,

don't you understand?

I drove here with the same intention...

The driving is not the meeting, Larry.

The driving is what we're talking...

The driving is what we're talking about.

You keep coming back to this insane thing with driving.

Yes!

Driving is not the issue, do we not...

I think driving is the issue.

We had a singular plan.

We were gonna have a meeting about the show.

Yeah, okay, so we're having a meeting.

You could drive around the world,

we still haven't had a meeting!

Cheryl?

Yes?

What did you do?

You canceled triple "a"?

What happened to you?

Why didn't you tell me you were canceling triple "a"?

Well, after that article, how could I not?

I was reading it to you.

You didn't say you were canceling it.

Well, I was going to tell you when you got home.

I didn't know it was urgent.

Oh, well that's great, I had to change a tire.

And then, look, look at this.

What happened?

It's a long story.

I got to go change my clothes.

I got to go to Jeff's house and pick up his clothes.

Oh, by the way,

why did you tell Wanda she has a big ass?

I didn't tell Wanda she had a big ass.

She just called me and told me.

I didn't say she had a big ass, okay.

I yelled out the window and I said,

"I'd know that tush anywhere", that's all I said.

Why would you do that?

Why would you even comment about her ass?

Why, what's the, what's the big deal?

Because, you might as well just go call out and say,

"hey, you got a really big ass", it's the same thing.

Ah, it was just a friendly remark, that's all.

That's a friendly remark?

Yeah, I was just being nice.

I was being nice and chummy.

You don't yell a comment about a woman's ass.

There's only one way to take it.

No, no, if she had a small ass,

I could have said, I know that tush anywhere, so what?

You shouldn't say anything at all.

You know, you just shouldn't talk about...

Anyway, why, what's the big deal?

What if I did say she has a big ass?

So what, that's not so terrible.

What's the matter with a big ass?

I like big asses, there's no problem.

You like big asses?

I don't mind a big ass.

I mean, no, not necessarily big.

No, this is interesting, you love big asses?

No, what, no, I don't love big asses.

How big do you like 'em?

I like 'em just the regular,

I like them just like yours, okay?

Oh, because mine is really big, and I like 'em big.

No, it's not really big, it's not, it's a good size.

That's what you just said.

You said, I love big asses and I like yours.

No, I said, I don't mind 'em.

I like your, yeah, I like, you know, uh...

You see, there are a lot of things about you I don't know.

No, there's nothing about me.

Yeah, I didn't know you had this ass fetish.

Don't say I have a, I don't have an ass fetish.

No, no, this is very kinky.

It's, like, all this stuff is unfolding now.

Nothing's unfolding!

This is interesting. After years together,

I'm just finding out...

What are you, crazy, no!

That's so untrue, no, I'm not a deviant.

( Doorbell )

I didn't say deviant.

Don't say I have an ass fetish, you got nothing on me.

Are you expecting somebody?

What? Wanda.

Hi.

Hey.

C'mon in.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay, Wanda...

Oh, you know who I am, okay.

I thought I had to turn around, and show you my big ass.

You completely, completely misinterpreted that.

I didn't say you had a big ass.

You yelled out, "hey, big ass Wanda".

No, I didn't say big ass, I was just saying hello.

Is that how you say hello?

Uh, well...

Is that a, hey, big ass.

Or, hey, hey assy, or, hey, I know your ass.

What is that, that's not how you say hello, is it?

Perhaps not.

So, something about my ass has made you download it

and you stored it in your memory.

No, no, that's not so.

What is wrong with this man?

We were just having a discussion.

Would you, did you tell him how wrong it is to even say

something like that?

Yeah, believe me, I told him.

You know, a woman's ass is very personal.

I didn't know he was so obsessed with asses until today.

You know what, you have an ass man.

What are you saying?

Larry, you are an ass man.

I am not an ass man.

You are an ass man.

What a fetish?

I don't have any ass fetish, okay.

Obsessed with asses, I am not obsessed with asses.

Okay, assy.

And why is that, that shit all over you?

What you been doing, scrounging around looking for asses?

All in the bleachers and stuff, oh, where's the ass?

( Doorbell )

Oh, if it isn't Jeffrey's messenger boy.

He is such a slimy, spineless creature, Larry,

that he sends you to do his dirty work.

Don't you resent it?

Uh, no, I'm fine.

Alright, let's get this over with, c'mon.

He can't even face me, that fat fuck.

You know what I mean, Larry,

that he sends you, his friend,

he puts you in this awkward position,

like all the times he used to keep secrets.

No, it's not awkward.

It's not awkward, there's no secrets.

Honest, it's not even awkward, I'm very comfortable.

You think I don't know,

about all the little bimbos that these little actresses.

What are you talking about?

He tells them he's going to give them parts,

and help their careers,

so he can get a nice little blow job.

I know him.

Blow job?

He thinks I don't know this shit.

What did he tell you, what did he say?

Did he tell you I kicked him out?

Yeah, his male ego, his stupid male...

He thinks I don't know about that porn stash,

take all this crap.

He's gonna need this alone in the hotel.

No, he told me specifically

that he doesn't want any of this stuff.

Oh, yeah, "freak that Booty", "big ass momma",

all his favorites.

Think I don't know about this crap?

Oh, you're into this shit too?

You're into the kinky big ass momma crap?

No, what are you, crazy?

I thought you were a family man.

No, I thought I recognized that woman from the back.

Let me tell you something.

Your perverse, fat fuck manager,

you know, what he makes me do?

He violates me, Larry. He defiles me...

No, no, I don't want to know.

At night, he makes me...

( Doorbell )

Who's that?

Susie, what's going on?

Where's Jeff?

Where's Jeff?

You've done something rotten.

What is this, what is this?

Alright, Jeffrey is at a hotel, Larry is bringing the clothes.

I'm taking the clothes to the hotel for him.

Oh, I want to talk, could I go with you,

please, to the hotel?

I want to go with you.

No, no, you'll get excited,

you're overworked now, just stop it.

Now, I want to see my boy.

You know what, Larry, take mom to the hotel.

Dad, you stay here with me, okay.

Okay, very good.

We'll take care of everything.

We'll take care of everything.

I'm sure you had something to do with this,

you rotten bastard!

Why did you have to put those clothes of Jeff's,

just throw them off...

Why, why?

Why did you just throw them in, on, in the trunk,

on top of a dirty old tire, why?

There's obviously something wrong with me.

That's the question.

Yeah, what is wrong with me, that's the question.

Why would anybody do that, a person wouldn't do that.

I don't have a closet in my house.

I'm just used to throwing things around like that.

And throwing them on the floor.

I throw them on the floor,

that's how all my clothes are at home,

all on the floor, I don't even have a bed.

I sleep on a big pile of clothes.

Well, it's just disgusting.

I'm a disgusting man.

Well, I can see that, I'm just, I'm so...

You're disappointed in me. You're disappointed.

I'm disappointed.

Well, now what's this?

"Loose fat, as fast as you can."

Oh, yeah, really.

That sounds good, I'd like to get that number.

Have you got a pen, let me put that down.

There's one in the back seat.

Alright.

( Groaning )

In my day, nobody got divorced.

You know, one little problem, and nowadays it's good-bye,

grab your clothes, and you're gone.

People live together for years and years,

hating each other desperately, but still they...

What are you doing?

Oh, you like that old car.

You know the back seat faces out.

So that you can see where you've been.

Yeah, makes you nauseous, the fumes, you know,

that come out from the, can I help you with that?

That's okay.

This is a beautiful hotel.

Isn't it a beauty?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Yeah, I want to retire here some day.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Did Jeff say he was gonna meet us here?

He's gonna meet us in the lobby.

In the lobby, well, I don't see him.

There, yeah, what's that?

Oh, Jeff. Jeff, darling.

Hey, what's the trouble here?

Hey, could I please, here.

Yeah, hold on, hey, come here.

One second, mom.

Drop them down there, okay.

Your father is just all broken up about this, dear.

Alright, we'll talk about it.

Go up to the room, okay, go up to room 818,

here you go, room 818,

and ma, I'll be up there in a second,

and we'll talk, we'll talk about everything.

I've come all this way.

Ma, we'll talk in a minute,

just go with him and I'll be up in a minute.

Just take something from the mini bar, relax,

and I'll be right up there.

You promise me now.

I promise you.

Alright, sweetheart.

Alright, I'm sorry about this whole thing.

Thanks for the ride.

So, what happened with susie?

Guys look, dad's gonna run up to the bathroom,

this isn't funny, so wipe the smile off your face.

Oh, nothing, she's a lunatic.

She's fucking nuts.

Yeah, she's crazy.

Now, you know why m here.

Remember earlier today you said that, um, you owed me one?

Yeah, I owe you big.

I need to take you up on it.

Wow, okay, what?

Like, now, like, quickly.

Right now.

Yeah.

What?

I actually have a rather bizarre request.

What?

I want you to go outside,

there's a station wagon out there.

What?

I want you to let the air out of somebody's tires.

It says "14 Thor" on the license plate.

It's a red station wagon, it's right out in front,

you can't miss it.

"14 Thor", but why?

Alright, yeah, sure.

But you have to do it now, hurry up.

Alright, you'll be here, right?

I'll be here, yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

Good, you?

Good, hey, listen.

Your dad's that wrestler, isn't he?

Yep.thor.

Thor, yeah, yeah.

Big tall guy.

Well, listen, I got a little piece of information for you

that might interest you.

Wrestling's fixed.

What do you mean?

All the matches are set up before hand.

The winners are all pre-determined.

It's completely illegitimate.

You mean, it's fake?

Exactly, fake.

That's exactly the word I'm looking for.

Dad's kind of a big fake, you know what he is?

He's more of an actor than a wrestler.

Dad's an actor?

That's right, the whole thing's a big phoney bologna.

Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real.

Hey, you tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?

Hey, you tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?

Hi.

Hey.

What have you been up to today?

Working.

Oh, really?

You and Jason worked things out?

No, we can't seem to agree on the locus equidistant of points.

I suggested a restaurant,

he thought it was too close to me.

Then he suggested one,

and I thought it was too close to him,

and, we just can't get it together.

Of course you can't.

Are you expecting something from the city?

No.

Can I open it?

Sure.

Oh, my god.

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