Original subtitles

Did I do something?

Well, why do I have to meet you?

Well, I don't really see what the benefit is

in telling me, in person,

as opposed to telling me on the phone,

it's the same thing.

Well, just pretend we're blind,

what's the matter with that?

Yeah, well, that's what it is for them.

Hey, my wife is home.

Hello.

Hi, who are you talking to?

Richard Lewis.

I've been ordered off the phone.

Okay, I'll meet you there in 10 minutes.

Alright, very good.

What did the doctor say?

Well, he said that I have dermatitis.

Really?

Yeah.

But, if I get this filled

and put it on, it'll be fine.

You don't have to back up,

I don't think it's contagious.

Is it contagious?

How'd you get that, what is it?

I have no idea, it's a virus.

But he said if I take this three times a day,

rub it on, it'll be fine.

I'm passing it over to you

because I'm hoping that you'll take it to the drugstore.

Alright, um, I have to meet Richard Lewis first,

he wants to talk to me about something.

God knows.

I thought we were going to dinner.

No, we are, so, I'll get the prescription filled

after I talk to him, and you know what?

Can I just meet you at the restaurant?

Because it doesn't pay for me...

Then we're gonna have two cars...

I don't wanna have to come all the way back here to get you,

it's right by the restaurant.

I'd rather not take my car.

Can't Rosa take you? She drives right by there.

Huh?

Okay, that's fine, yeah.

So, at 6:00, then?

6:00.

Okay.

At the byzantine, and I'll get your thing filled.

Okay, thanks.alr.

Larry, thanks for coming out.

I know you're busy, and...

I'm just curious as to what you wanna tell me.

It's not easy for me to say this,

it's been bugging me for a while and,

I think we're at some kind of crossroads.

You don't call me, I'm always initiating.

I ask you to do things, I ask you,

whatever I do, it's always coming from my end

and I feel like if I never called you,

I'd fall off the face of the earth

and we wouldn't be friends anymore,

and, my shrink actually told me to confront you on this,

and, uh, and I am, so, that's it.

Can I be honest with you?

I hope so.

It's Sofia, you know,

it's your girlfriend.

Sofia?

Yeah.

I don't get along with her,

and, so, I tend not to call,

or get together...

You actually think that's fair?

I mean, this is my girlfriend.

Well, I don't know if it's fair,

it's just that's what's stopping me,

that's why I haven't been calling.

She's an extension of my life for chrissake,

I mean, it's like, I love...

You know, your wife, she's embarrassed me

a couple of times, even in jest,

and I don't say, "I don't wanna"

be your friend anymore."

I don't know, I just don't think

a friend can just bolt from a friendship.

Alright, Cheryl and I are going out to dinner tonight,

why don't the two of you join us?

But, why do you wanna do that?

'Cause I wanna make up and start all over.

Really?

You're not just doing this to...

I appreciate it, but, I mean,

she's part of my life, Sofia.

I know, and, I wanna try and be friends with her.

This is a very nice gesture, and,

oh, tonight?

Oh, fuck, I can't, we're doing something early.

Can you come over after dinner and have

coffee and dessert or something at our place?

Yeah, we won't have dessert.

We'll come over for dessert and coffee.

Fantastic.

Justin?

Lewis.

How ya doing?

Hey, man.

Good to see you, man, what's happening?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm funky.

Dr. grambs, this is my friend,

Larry David.

This is my dermatologist.

Really?

Oh, yeah, what, for 15 years already?

Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

I'm sorry, I beg your pardon, what?

Yeah, what do you mean?

It was a joke.

"The whole affirmative action thing"?

It was a joke.

He's like a buddy.

I know him, I mean, he's a sweetheart.

The implication being that I wasn't good enough

to be a dermatologist?

No, no, come on, no, it was joke.

He's a liberal, he's like you and me.

So, if I wasn't black

he would have said the same thing or,

or not.

Do you see my point?

Yeah, I see it in a historical sense,

but, not in a nice day sense.

You know, Richard, I've worked too hard

and too long at this, I can't do it.

I don't know what his trip is, but, I can't do it.

I don't have any trip, no, it was joke!

Holy shit! What hit you?

It was a joke.

I know it's a joke, but, you sounded like

pat Buchanan's gym partner for chrissakes!

I was just trying to be affable.

Look, I'll see you tonight,

hopefully, we'll resolve, you know.

I tend to say stupid things to black people sometimes.

That's like gonna be in the time capsule

for chrissake!

Look, I'll see you later on.

I was just trying to be affable.

Hey, I'm so glad you're here.

I know, this place is crazy.

There's no tables,

you couldn't get a reservation,

we're on a waiting list.

Can you give me my prescription?

I think I'm gonna go to the ladies' room, and,

put some on.

What?

Shoot, I forgot it.

I'm sorry, I was so discombobulated

because, oh, my god,

I completely humiliated myself.

What happened?

I was with Richard Lewis, and we were talking,

and then he ran into his friend,

this black doctor,

and, I made some terrible joke

about affirmative action,

and it was beyond awful.

I'm sure you're making it out to be

more than it was.

No, I'm making it out to be less than it was.

And he took it the wrong way.

Why would you even make a joke about that?

Because, I don't know, I was trying to be affable.

I was trying too hard to be affable.

Why even joke about it, though?

I made a mistake, it was a stupid thing to say.

I'm a schmuck, I don't know, I did a schmucky thing.

Did you apologize?

Of course I apologized.

Well, I have to say I'm not real happy,

right now, because...

Well, we'll have dinner

and then we'll go right to the drugstore.

No problem.

You know what the problem is?

Is that it's gonna be hours before we get there

because we're not even gonna have a seat,

until, I don't know, like an hour.

Really.

Yeah, and I'm starving, you know.

Let's try something here.

What are you doing?

You have a little plan?

I got a little plan.

Yeah?

Well, what do you think?

Yeah, sure.

Men do this, right?

I've seen men do it.

Haven't we seen this?

I've seen men do it in movies.

Good evening, sir, welcome to the byzantine.

Um, I was curious about, how long is the wait?

Oh, I'm afraid it looks like,

45 minutes to an hour.

45 minutes to an hour, no way to get in?

No, we're very crowded this evening, sir.

Right now we're very full.

Nothing else can be done?

Well, nothing that I can think of, sir.

Things are done, right, aren't things done?

I hear things are done.

From time to time.

Anything you can do...

Actually, I think we can accommodate you right now.

Would you like to follow me?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Enjoy your dinner.

Okay! Okay!

Wow, I'm pretty impressed.

Come on, give it to me!

I'm very, very impressed, I really am.

No big deal.

I am extremely attracted to you right now.

That's 'cause it's criminal.

Is it?

Because women are attracted to criminals,

and they do that all the time.

You know, you could do that all the time.

Just walk around, and, cut in line any time you want.

Alright, do it all the time now,

we'll never have to wait.

Should I feel guilty about it?

Why, because all those people are still waiting?

Well, I can't stop to think about it

because I'm starving.

How can a handicapped person

use a non-motorized wheelchair?

I don't get that.

What's the point to it?

To me, that's your big priority.

Well, maybe he likes the exercise.

I'm sure you get used to it.

Well, can't he get one that has both?

Motor and non-motor? Then you could do both.

You want exercise, you exercise,

you want the motor, you got the motor.

This way you have no options.

You gotta do this the whole time.

If you're not in a hurry to get somewhere,

why not?

There's Ted harbert.

Who's Ted harbert?

He used to be the president of abc,

now he runs nbc studios.

I have to go to the bathroom,

I'm gonna have to walk right by that table.

What's wrong with that, you don't like him?

He just makes the worst small talk,

and, it's gonna be so, I'll never get out of there.

Just don't stop.

Just keep walking and say, hello.

You have to stop,

you can't just say hello and walk on.

Ooh, sea bass.

You know what?

There's a restaurant two doors down,

I'm gonna go in there.

Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom in there.

You're gonna leave this restaurant

to go use the bathroom somewhere else?

Are you out of your mind?

No, I don't wanna say hello,

I don't like those hellos.

Men's room?

Larry, Larry David, Larry David.

How ya doing?

Okay.

Do you remember me, Denise pendergrass?

We had a meeting a few years ago?

I met with you about that film project you were doing.

Oh, "sour grapes", the line producer.

Yes, I remember.

Oh, you know what? I'm so glad I ran into you.

'Cause we had a really nice meeting,

and, you know, you said my resume looked great

and you said I was qualified,

and, then, I didn't hear from you

and, all these years I wondered, what happened?

'Cause I really wanted to work with you,

and, what was the person's name that got that job?

What was, what?

Barry.

Oh, Barry, Barry, a friend of yours, or...

Friend of my wife.

A friend of your wife.

A black friend?

No.

This is the thing, I had a couple of margaritas,

but, I'm not gonna hold back.

I just was wondering,

why do you have a problem

giving somebody like me a job?

What? A problem?

What are you saying, what are you talking about?

There's a lot of people interviewed for that.

Yeah, a lot of people, but, you and I,

we had a rapport.

We did, but, the guy knew my wife, I mean,

that's all it was.

I know what you're implying, but,

what you're saying is terrible.

What I'm saying is that I watched your show, "Seinfeld"

for how many, seven, eight years on the air,

and, not-a-one black person,

and, I lived in New York for several years,

and there is a plethora of black people in New York,

but, somehow, Elaine can never have a black girlfriend,

Jerry never had any black girlfriends,

in their little circle of friends,

nobody looked like me.

I mean, what is that about?

Is it a black thing with Larry David?

There's no black thing, it's a nothing!

No, no, no, a sister like me

can kinda see through things like this,

and I want you to know

that I think I got your number now.

There's no number, you don't have a number!

There's no number to have, I don't have a number!

I saw "sour grapes", and, the title was very apropos,

and maybe it was a blessing in disguise for me

that I did not get that job.

And, I just hope you have a very nice dinner.

Thank you, Mr. Larry David.

Where have you been?

Sorry.

We haven't even ordered and I'm dying.

I got accosted by this woman

outside the men's room at this restaurant,

and she interviewed for a job on "sour..."

Hey, Ted!

Hey, Larry, how are you?

Nice seeing you, how ya doing?

Good, this is my wife, Cheryl.

This is Ted harbert.

Ted harbert, nice to see ya, how ya doing?

You guys just sitting down?

Yeah, yeah, just about to order.

Hey, so, you been playing any golf lately?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, playing okay?

Yeah, so-so.

At my club I got a member guest next month,

get a couple other guys,

you wanna make a day out of it?

( Male ) okay, we're all set.

It's 10 days, make sure you take all 10 days.

And watch the dairy.

Okay.

And I specifically said, "no feta cheese",

I mean, do they have to put feta cheese in?

I said, you heard me say it, right?

I know, I did hear you say it.

Hi.

Hello.

Um, just need this prescription filled out,

as soon as possible.

Oh, sure.

I've got dermatitis, yeah, and it's...

Well, we'll get it taken care of.

Thank you.

As soon as he finds it,

we'll get this thing rolling.

( Male ) take your time.

What's wrong?

I think I gave the maitre d' the prescription.

My prescription?

Yeah, 'cause look...

Why would you do that, that doesn't make sense.

There's a $20 bill folded in my pocket.

This was supposed to be for the maitre d',

what's it doing in my pocket?

I don't know,

I gave you the prescription this afternoon.

I know, and I folded it up

and it was in the same pocket as the 20,

and I must have put my hand in my pocket

and pulled out...

Did you not look at it, Larry?

It felt like the 20.

I don't understand how that could happen.

They were folded up, they felt alike!

Did he look at it?

No, they take it and put it in their pocket.

Why would I have the 20 on me?

This was the 20 that was designated for the maitre d'!

Come on, let's just go back to the restaurant.

Oh, my god!

Why don't we just call your doctor?

Because you can't call my doctor on the weekends

unless it's a life-threatening emergency.

What?

Yeah, if you call his machine,

it'll tell you you can't page him.

You called up and that's what it said?

Yeah.

That is obscene, you know that?

"Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend.

"Don't call Dr. zeppler

"on the weekend unless it's life threatening.

"Norman, is somebody calling?

"Who's calling?

"We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!

"This better be life threatening Norman,

or you're not gonna leave this house!"

Come on, please, I'm begging you.

"Norman,

"unless they were burned in a fire,

"I don't want you getting up from your chair,

do you understand, Norman?!"

Ugh!

Okay, I owe you a huge apology,

I'm so sorry.

When I was in earlier,

I thought I was giving you money

and I gave you my wife's prescription.

I remember.

She really needs it. I reall.

Do you have it?

You'll find it in a trash can

right through those double doors.

Help yourself.

Oh, wait a second.

Did you find it? Do you see it?

Eww, eww, eww!

No, that wasn't it.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

You didn't happen to see

a piece of paper here earlier,

a little white prescription piece of paper?

No, no.

( Yelling )

I've been looking all over Cheryl,

I can't find it!

You want me to get in the can?

If that's what it takes, Larry, I guess, yeah.

What about an emergency room?

Let's go to an emergency room?

No, are you kidding?

We'd sit there for eight hours.

This is a very pleasant activity.

Maybe you can lock me in a toilet after this, huh?

Maybe you could pick up my prescription

when I ask you the first time

and then none of this would have happened.

Wait a second.

What about Richard's friend?

He's a dermatologist, the guy I offended today.

The black guy? He's a dermatologist?

Yes, we're going over to Richard's anyway.

I could call him up and apologize

and maybe he could phone in the prescription for us.

Yeah, yeah, let's try that.

Eww!

Hi! Hey!

Hey, how are you, good to see you.

( Cheryl ) oh, actually, you know what?

You don't wanna get too close to me right now.

( Larry ) we had a bit of a problem here.

Relax, we'll talk it out.

Sofia's on the phone, she'll be off in a second.

We're not really gonna be able to...

What do you mean?

Because, um...

I've got a skin problem right now.

It's this dermatitis and it's spreading,

is the problem, Richard.

We've been driving all night

because I had a prescription...

I didn't lose it, whatever,

we don't have it anymore.

Why don't you call your doctor?

I can't call him on the weekends.

It's hard to bother these people.

The thing is, we don't know any doctors,

we don't know anybody who can help her.

The only guy I could think of

is your friend from, the dermatologist.

The guy from today, Justin?

Maybe if you could just call him

and he could call in a prescription.

Wow, I mean, you can imagine,

you were like, James Earl ray today with this guy.

I know, I know.

I'll do it, I'm doing it...

Just tell him I'll apologize,

you know, I wanna talk to him.

I'm so sorry about what happened.

Like a nightmare call.

I'm sorry for making you do it, believe me.

We really appreciate it.

Honey, hello, the Davids are here.

Hi!

( Richard ) listen, she has a medical emergency.

Honey, baby, I'm on the phone.

I'm on the phone, I'm on the phone.

We don't even know if the guy's

gonna be home or not.

Honey, enough, hey, darling!

I'm on the phone, I'm sorry.

I'm on the phone, just one second.

She has a medical emergency,

she has a tremendous rash.

Hey, hey, you know what?

Just get the number, we'll call in the car.

Will you hang up the phone?!

Are you happy?

Yes, I'm very happy.

Oh, good, now we're all happy.

You're happy, he's happy, I'm happy.

She's sick and you're not, how's that?

Jesus Christ,

I'm so fucking embarrassed by all this shit.

I'm really sorry about this.

No, no, don't be sorry.

Dr. grambs?

Hi, I'm sorry to call you on a weekend.

Yeah, it's Lewis.

Richard, I just hung up with my agent on the phone

without even saying goodbye.

( Larry ) this is a very important call.

Mind your own fucking business here,

this is not your business.

It is my business!

( Richard ) he really feels horrible about it,

but, his wife has this, what's it called?

( Cheryl ) dermatitis.

Dermatitis and what?

He's funny, yeah, he didn't mean it,

he wants to apologize profusely.

The last thing he would ever mean is something...

I need to help them, I'm lost.

She's very sick, she can't reach her doctor,

and she needs to get a prescription,

otherwise this thing's gonna spread,

and, I really wanna come through for them.

Really?

Oh, you're unbelievable.

He says, if you come over to the house,

he can't prescribe over the phone,

it's unethical, but, you'll do that?

Of course, are you kidding?

Doctor, you're really the best.

What's your address?

Yeah, hold on, what's the number?

Okay, thanks.

Thank you, so much.

Oh, Christ.

How do you get there?

Call the triple a, just get better.

Nice to see you again!

Nice to see you, too.

( Navigator ) right turn ahead.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I did hear it.

The navigation system!

I figured it out, it's working!

It's telling us exactly how to go

to the doctor's house!

Oh, I can't wait to call my parents.

They are gonna be so proud of me!

When I tell my father

I figured out that navigation system,

he's gonna flip his wig, and he's got one, too.

Can we turn on the radio?

Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry,

figuring out the navigation system!

Please.

Ooh, daddy, I'm not so stupid!

Can we turn on the radio?

No, 'cause then we won't be able

to hear the navigator.

( Navigator ) right turn ahead.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Larry David, this is my wife, Cheryl.

We're a friend of Richard Lewis, he called.

Yes, yes, yes, hi, I'm Donna,

my husband's in the living room.

Please, come in.

Oh, thank you, thank you so much for having us.

Sorry to disturb you

at the beginning of your weekend.

Well, that's okay, I mean, the best laid plans

always will change, so let's not worry about it.

Come on in.

( Male ) I think black people have a mistrust

of the medical profession

because of the vestiges of that experiment.

Please, come in.

I hope we're not disturbing anything.

Excuse me, sweetie.

Everybody, this is Larry David,

and his wife, Cheryl.

( Exchanging greetings )

Hi, how ya doing, hi.

Mrs. David, a pleasure to meet you.

It is so nice to meet you, thank you, so much.

We've had quite a time tonight,

and I really appreciate you.

It's so nice of you to do this,

we appreciate it so much.

I'm glad I could be of help, no problem.

Let's go take a look at that.

And, again, I'm so sorry about,

god almighty, I can't believe I said that.

I think I might have overreacted.

No, I don't think so,

it was completely idiotic, really.

Justin, what did he say?

Uh...

We'd like to hear it.

Larry, this is professor roget,

from Cal-tech physics.

What was said, we'd like to hear it.

We'd like to know.

Believe me, you don't wanna hear this.

( Male ) what is it, we'd love to hear it.

Why not?

What? You're kidding.

Come on, it was nothing, believe me, it was nothing.

You're having a nice party here.

Eat, you got peanuts and cookies.

You're probably having a very stimulating conversation

until we came in, so, believe me,

my advice to you, go back, because...

( Female ) Larry, Larry, Larry,

you're apologizing.

Apologizing for nothing?

I wish it was something, I wish it was something.

I am apologizing for pretty much nothing.

It is nothing, it's so unimportant.

Oh, come on, Larry, please, share with us.

( Professor ) come on, spit it out, Larry.

It sounds interesting.

I'll make a deal with you folks, okay?

We'll tell you what it was, and then we can move on.

( All in agreement )

( Donna ) alright, Larry.

( Female ) come on, share with us!

Let us hear about it.

I was walking along, with my friend,

near the beach in Santa Monica,

and Dr. grambs comes jogging by,

and, he's in very good shape, this man,

by the way, very good shape.

( Female ) come on, let's not beat around the bush.

Come on, let's go.

Well...

I said, um...

When he introduced me to Dr. grambs,

he told me that he's a patient of Dr. grambs, and I said,

"you let him work on you

even with the whole affirmative action thing?"

( Nervous laughter )

You know, 'cause...

It was a joke, I'm just, it was a bad joke.

I was trying to be too affable.

I went overboard in my affability.

Are you in favor of affirmative action?

Completely in favor of it, are you kidding?

I don't think white people should have anything!

I think we should be sleeping on the street

eating crumbs, and we should be that way

for a couple of hundred years

and I'm not even joking about that.

And, guys, I've learned that he's a comedian,

he makes funny lines all the time,

I overreacted.

And he knocked it off the top off his head.

He's much better when he has a chance to write it

and look it over.

So, maybe he's learned a lesson from all this?

Yeah, you can say that again.

I was about to say "sister", but...

Okay, everyone, so, please, Mrs. David,

let me take a look at that arm, please.

Ah, thank you, yes, okay.

Larry David, Mr. Larry David.

Twice in one evening, I'm on a roll.

My friends, this is Larry David,

the man who refused to hire a sister for a job

for which I was clearly qualified,

because he's a racist, a bona fide racist,

who preferred not to work with any black people

under any circumstances,

and gives all the good jobs

to his white wife's white friends.

Good evening.

I think you better call the doctor.

I'm not allowed to call the doctor on the weekend.

I don't think we have a choice,

I think we have to call him.

We're out of options, really, come on.

Alright, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna page him.

Oh, wait, so what number do I put in?

Put in our home number, we'll be home in a minute.

( Phone dialing )

Alright, he's paged, that's it.

Great.

It's done.

Oh, god!

What's he gonna do, what's the worst that could happen?

I don't know.

What's he gonna do, kill us?

* ( horror music plays )

( Theme from "psycho" playing )

( Phone ringing )

Hello?

Dad, I can't talk to you right now!

No, I'll call you back.

( Phone ringing )

Hello? Dr. zeppler?

Hi, it's Cheryl David.

I lost the prescription you gave me earlier this afternoon

and I desperately need another one right away.

A life threatening emergency?

You could scratch yourself to death!

I could scratch myself to death

if it goes untreated, I mean, I don't know,

it the longs drugstore on the westside.

Thank you.

No, I won't ever call you on the weekend again,

thank you, so much.

Won't ever call you on the weekend?

Oh, my god, what a jerk this guy is.

At least we got it, we got it.

Get yourself a new doctor, this guy's an idiot.

Alright, I'm gonna go pick it up.

Do you want me to go with you?

No, go take a hot bath and I'll be back in, uh,

12, 15 minutes.

Okay.

( Male ) okay, the doctor says you just wanna get

your prescriptions renewed on time, okay?

Now, in terms of this,

it's just two quick shots,

pay for that up front, okay?

And good luck with that.

Okay, Mr. Brazil, Brazil...

Um, excuse me, I'm sorry,

my doctor called in a prescription for my wife.

Your name?

David, yeah, Dr. zeppler.

Oh, zeppler, yes, we got that.

It's gonna be about 45 minutes to an hour, okay?

Uh, Mr. Brazil.

I mean, it's really, it's an emergency,

I'm not kidding.

She's really scratching, she's broken out all over.

I understand, sir.

It's gonna be about 45 minutes to an hour,

you see, we have a backup.

Okay, just read all the indications on it,

it's very important, pay for that up front.

Okay, uh, next is guyaphone, guyaphone.

Oh, okay.

Alright, this is pretty simple,

but I wanna make sure that you read all...

I haven't forgotten about you, Mr. filpot,

it's just gonna be a couple more minutes,

I'm not quite ready for you.

We need to get straightened out.

Um, I'm sorry, uh.

Yes.

Is there anything that can be done about this?

Done? I don't understand.

You know, I hear things are done.

Things are done... What is this?

Are you trying to bribe me?

No, no.

You think you can bribe me?

Do I look like I can be bribed?

Are you trying to bribe a pharmacist?

No, I'm paying in advance.

Take your money!

Nobody bribes a pharmacist!

Get out, right now!

I'm sorry.

Security, security!

I'll remember you, buddy!

( Scratching )

Captions copyright 2000 home box office

a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.

Captioned by hbo communications center

captioned by hbo communications center