Original subtitles

You know, the cowboy hat with that bolo string,

what is that?

Now, was the ball closer to him or to you?

Very good question.

Thank you.

I think it was, maybe, a little closer to him.

But, you couldn't just be polite,

reach down and pick up the ball?

I could've.

But that string...

Same hat, no string, no question.

I pick it up.

I see certain items and I recoil in horror.

Hey, how's Jeff?

Oh, I think he might have to have bypass surgery.

Really?

Can you believe that?

I thought he was just going in for tests.

Went in, they wouldn't let him out.

That's kind of scary.

I know, but, he'll be fine.

Well, tell him I said hi and give him my best.

Yeah, okay.

And John debellos called.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to call him back.

Hello?

Larry.

Oh, how are you, Gil?

You sounded like my friend, John.

I just called to say hello.

Saturday night?

Well, I need directions.

Just fax them.

It's the same as my home number.

Alright, very good.

Bye.

Directions for what?

I dialed the number under John's by accident.

I got this guy, Gil thilander,

at the golf club.

Who's Gil thilander?

I played golf with him, like, three times.

And, he invited us to this party

on Saturday night at his house.

We were gonna go out to dinner on Saturday.

Well, I told him we'd go.

Who is Gil?

He used to be a porno actor, like, 15 years ago.

No, I don't wanna go to a porn party.

It's not a porn party.

Please!

We're not even gonna speak to him anyway.

We'll go in, it's a party.

We'll just say hello and that'll be it.

Listen, here's what we'll do.

We'll go out to dinner

and, then we'll stop by the party

and we'll be outta there in 10 minutes.

We'll just say hello and then that's it,

and we'll leave, it doesn't matter.

So, you got some kind of blockage?

Blockage.

I went in for normal tests and he said,

"you're not going anywhere.

"And, if we don't get this cleaned out,

you're gonna have a heart attack."

That's pleasant news.

That's nice to hear, isn't it?

You've gotta do me a favor, though.

I've got tests all week.

Sunday, they're doing the procedure, okay?

Sunday?

Susie will be here all day Sunday.

She will not be leaving here.

The keys, in the drawer there, grab the keys,

I wanna show you something.

Just trust me on this for a second, get the keys.

They should be right in the drawer there.

Yeah, okay.

This key right here...

Mysterious.

Very mysterious.

This key right here, my front door.

I need you to go into my house,

okay, go up to my bedroom.

To the left of TV,

there's a cabinet by the bookcase there.

Open it up, move the linens,

there's linens in there, move 'em to the side,

push on the back door, and it'll open up.

Inside there, I have, like, my porn collection.

I have, like, seven, eight porn tapes.

A couple of magazines, alright?

I need you to get them out of there.

You've gotta get it out of there,

because if something happens to me...

Oh, you're thinking, like, the anesthesia,

something goes wrong.

Anything goes wrong,

she's not a big porn person.

You don't want your wife to discover your porno stuff?

She doesn't understand that.

I don't really understand it either.

That's your own deal,

that's your own deal, "repression Jones".

Well, is there an alarm code,

or anything like that?

Sy, 99-88.

I better write that down.

In there, should be a pen and a piece of paper.

99-88, okay.

I can't believe you have to write it down.

What am I gonna do with these things?

Keep it in your trunk.

What if I get in an accident on the way home,

what about that?

And the porn goes flying everywhere?

Strewn all over the car.

All over my bleeding body.

You'll be fine. This alarm code...

Nothing's gonna happen.

I'm no good with stuff like that.

It's too technical for me.

99-88.

The alarm's gonna go off,

they'll be a SWAT team descending on me.

This whole thing just has "disaster" written all over it.

It'll be fine, trust me.

And your wife better not show up.

I guarantee she's not gonna be there, she'll be here.

I appreciate it, you're a great pal.

Good luck, try not to die.

"Try not to die."

Thank you.

Shit.

I don't understand how you give directions like this.

I thought this party was in L.A.

I guess he's got a weekend house

or something, I don't know.

Larry, we've been driving for an hour.

We're, like, in the boondocks.

Why don't you use your navigation system there?

I don't know how to work it.

You don't know how to work it?

No.

Then why did you get it?

I don't know, I wanted to get everything.

I wanted to have all the loaded things.

When were you gonna learn?

I don't know, I thought somebody would teach me.

Why don't you call them again?

They're not picking up.

You know, there's a party.

They probably don't hear the phone.

We left three messages already.

Are you even reading those directions?

I'm looking for Jake's way.

That's all I'm doing is looking for Jake's way.

You should be looking, too.

I have been looking.

These directions are shit, you know that?

Well, there's obviously nothing out here.

Wait a second, is that somebody?

Don't pull over.

Are you crazy?

We're completely lost here.

Excuse me, could you help me out here?

I'm trying to get to Jake's way.

I was wondering what you were doing out here.

Yeah, I think I'm a little lost.

I made a left at the gas station

a couple of miles back.

Let me just take a look and I'll steer you...

Let me put my glasses on.

I can't see a thing without my glasses.

Now, "take lakeside..."

Yeah, I know, I've already done that.

And then I got to the gas station.

I made a left.

Who wrote this?

A friend of mine.

Is he a doctor?

No, I know, it's hard to read.

Terrible handwriting.

But, I can make it out.

You were at a gas station?

Why didn't you go in the gas station

and say you were lost?

Well, I wasn't lost then.

Well, you didn't know where you were going.

In my book, that's lost.

I wasn't lost 'cause I'm supposed to

make a left at the gas station.

Take a I-f-t, left, left,

at Miller, you're on Miller.

So, I wasn't lost at the gas station.

You're on Miller.

I know, and I'm looking for Jake's way.

I don't know if I passed it or if it's up ahead.

Jack's way?

No, no, it's Jake's way.

Jake's way, I've never heard of Jake's way.

That's fine, I'll just get going.

No, it's alright.

Let's see, Jake's way.

You've been very helpful, thank you.

Thank you, very much.

Can I just have the paper back, please?

Please, don't get so impatient, please.

I'm getting a lot of hostility from you,

you know.

There's a feeling of anger.

No, there's no hostility at all, there's no anger.

Can I just please have the paper back?

Please!

You snap!

And I hope you stay lost!

Well, this was a wonderful night.

I've always wanted to drive around in this area for,

two, three hours.

It's quite scenic, don't you think?

And they have some very colorful characters.

Uh-huh.

I enjoyed baby Jane a lot, didn't you?

I'd really just like to go home, Larry.

I'm trying to get us home.

You're not trying hard enough.

I don't know where we're going.

I don't have any directions.

I think a good idea is just to keep driving around and around.

I'm looking for the highway and I don't know where it is.

What do you want me to do?

What is that? Is that a car?

Yeah.

Hey, I'm gonna stop this car.

I'm gonna flag the car down.

Be careful.

Hi. Hey.

Oh, thanks so much for stopping.

Man, oh, man, I've been so lost.

I've been driving around for a half hour here.

I'm just trying to get back to

to the freeway to L.A.

You don't recognize me, do you?

No.

On the driving range the other day?

You're the guy from the driving range.

Oh!

I was right behind you on the range.

Oh, right, right, wow!

And you wouldn't help me with the ball.

The ball? The range ball.

It fell and you wouldn't help me out with the ball.

You know what? My back was killing me that day.

I couldn't bend down.

Oh, your back... I didn't pick up on that,

'cause you were hitting the ball so well...

That's twisting.

I could twist, I couldn't bend.

Oh, okay, right, two different things.

It's a big difference, really.

Oh, my god, you must have thought

I was such an asshole.

Well, you know, I didn't know why

you wouldn't help me with the ball.

God, what kind of prick doesn't pick up somebody's ball?

I thought you could help out a little bit, but, I understand.

You know what? I would've picked up the ball in a second

if I could bend down.

It's your back, it was your back, right.

Completely.

Sure, no, I understand.

I'm sorry, I apologize.

No, it's okay, it's alright.

Wait a second, are you going to Gil's party?

Yeah, you know Gil? Oh, from the club!

Yeah, I'm old friends with Gil, yeah.

We've been buddies for a long time.

So, can I follow you over there?

Should you be going to the party with your back?

Can you bend over, can you bend with your back?

Yeah.

Then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass.

And maybe next time you'll remember to pick up the fucking golf ball.

So, how'd it go?

Good, pretty good.

Pretty, pretty,

pretty, pretty good.

( Phone )

Hello?

We called three times.

I have no idea, we're completely lost.

So, 15 minutes... 15 minutes...

One drink. Absolutely.

In and out. In and out, I'm with you.

I promise, 15 minutes.

Okay.

How come there are only three cars in the driveway?

I don't know, it's very weird.

Larry!

Hey, Gil.

Hey, hi, come on in.

Oh, hi, good to meet you.

Good to meet you.

What happened there?

I talked to you 15 minutes ago,

you were five minutes away.

You didn't mention that Miller turns into...

Jake's way,

Jake's way is not marked, there's no sign for it.

You may have included that in the directions.

Thanks for telling me.

Can I take your jacket?

Oh, okay.

Where is everybody?

Everybody's right in there, and can I take your coat?

No, no, thanks.

And, if you would take your shoes off.

Okay.

( Larry ) really?

Yeah, just take them off.

It's just a custom my wife started in the house.

I think I'll leave mine on, is that okay?

They're completely clean.

Yeah, it's not about that.

Look, see?

That's not the point, just take 'em off.

Ah, come on.

Okay, well, you know what?

I'll put this away, I'll be right back.

Go on in, just go on in.

What's going on here?

I don't know, where is everybody?

What?

There's people eating dinner in there.

This is a dinner party?

Did he tell you this was a dinner party?

No, he said party.

We just ate.

He said party.

I wouldn't go to a dinner party.

Hey, you guys looking around?

Great place, my wife jokingly refers to it

as "the house that cum built".

'Cause of my porn.

I never made enough money to buy a house.

Come on in, though, I'll show you around later.

That's a collection of just small bottles

and I like them.

It's very interesting.

There not as big as normal.

Come on in here.

( Gil ) hey, everybody!

They're here, they made it.

( Larry ) hello, hi.

I'm so sorry we're late, hello.

Hi Cheryl, nice to meet you, I'm Melanie.

( Gil ) that's Peter, my trainer...

sid and his wife.

And, next to them, Brian.

You know Brian from the club, right?

Glad you made it.

Thank you.

( Gil ) next to him is Jackie and Paul.

Hi, I'm Cheryl.

( Chattering )

Sit down.

Okay.

Honey, Larry is wearing his shoes.

I know.

Did you tell him it was the rule of the house?

I think he thinks I was joking.

Honey, who is this guy?

He comes to the house an hour late,

and he's wearing his shoes in my house?

I'll tell you, we waited,

and we waited and we waited.

I know.

And then we decided we just had to eat.

Let me fix you a plate.

You know what? We were so hungry,

that we had a bag of potato chips in the car...

Potato chips on the way to a dinner party?

What's that?

That's a mango-chutney that I made

with my own hands.

I'll just have some of that.

For, like, a dessert thing.

( Male ) what's in that?

( Gil ) there's a little bit of jalapeño

and a little bit of tabasco.

( Female ) tell us again!

No, c'mon!

Can't I ever have a normal dinner party?

Can't we talk about stocks?

Can I tell a porn story?

She's heard every one of them.

You wanna tell it?

Okay, you know what tabasco's good for?

Keep you hard.

( Male ) really?

Yeah, only you gotta,

stick it up your ass.

No, I'll tell you how I found out about that.

I was doing a scene and it was supposed to be

a two girl scene, right?

Do you mind if I tell?

It's your house.

These guys have heard half these stories.

So, I'm doing this scene,

it's supposed to be two girls.

And, we keep waiting for the other girl to show up.

And I'm fucking this girl for three hours.

Pounding, pounding, for hours and hours and hours,

and then all of a sudden, after a couple hours,

it feels like some chick's tea-bagging me.

Right?

You should fill her in on tea-bagging, though.

Maybe you do, maybe you don't.

When a woman sucks your balls, she's tea-bagging you.

But, so I feel that

and I think that other girl's shown up.

And, then I feel her fingers on my balls.

And I'm not even looking.

I'm just so, I'm half asleep.

But, I turned around, it's not the girl.

It is the biggest crew guy we got

is playing with my balls.

And my wood starts going down, you know,

and I haven't even shot yet.

And I go, I'm going down, I'm going down.

And this guy goes, "I'll take care of it."

He runs over to the craft service table,

he comes back, his finger is red.

Sticks it up my ass, tabasco sauce!

And I stayed hard for another two hours

because all the blood just goes.

I keep begging him to let us use it.

I was renowned for being able to stay hard

for hours.

That's what I could do.

I wasn't the biggest, alright?

But, I could stay hard the longest, so.

Hey, Larry,

can I see that watch a second?

Where'd you get that? It's a beauty.

Anniversary gift.

Can I see that?

Oh, that is really sweet.

Okay, everyone, let's have a little dessert.

Everyone, please, in the other room.

Bring your glasses, but leave your plates.

Do not touch your plates.

( Male ) that was great, Mel, thank you.

( Mel ) thank you.

I want to go home now.

Maybe we can stop and pick up some tabasco.

Do you think this is funny, Larry?

'Cause I don't think you're funny.

I don't think this is funny.

And, I don't care what you tell these people, we need to go.

Okay.

( Gil ) sit down.

Alright, I'll tell them we're leaving.

Yeah, and I need my coat and my purse.

Okay. Okay.

Ooh, my back.

Oh, shit!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Everyone sit down, there's glass on the floor!

No one move!

I'm so sorry, shit!

But, it doesn't really affect you, does it Larry?

The glass on the floor.

No, because you're wearing your fucking shoes in my house!

When you walk through my door, you play by my rules!

You take off your fucking shoes!

You and your fucking little soccer shoes

in my house!

My feet have a tendency

to get a little chilly when I take my...

Gil!

Get the coats!

The coats are probably a good idea.

I would think.

He's a psychotic, get him out of the house!

Yeah, we're gonna get moseying.

Moseying time?

Yeah.

Hey, here you go, Cheryl.

Honey, you okay?

Maybe it is best if you just go now.

You know what? I think it is, I think it probably is.

Let me pay for the lamp, okay?

You know what? That's not important.

Oh, come on, I'll pay for the lamp.

I don't even know if Brian has another in his shop.

I don't know, they're really hard to get.

( Gil ) it was rare, we got it in Brian's shop.

Maybe I have one more, I'll have to look.

Okay, okay, we're gonna take off.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Goodbye.

Bye, Cheryl, nice meeting you.

So, what's the level of anger here?

What am I dealing with?

Well, I'd say at least an 8.7.

8.7? that's not that bad.

No?

I thought it would be, like, a nine, 8.7?

No, it was, it was up higher.

Yeah, and then you broke that lamp

and that crazy woman screamed at you.

And it got you some pity points.

Pity points? Fabulous!

I love pity points.

Yeah.

Any way to get to a seven?

I don't know.

I know I can't get to a six, that's out of the question.

We could have a very decent ride home with a seven.

You think so?

Yes, I do.

And if we ride home as a seven, as soon as we get home,

you can go right back to an eight.

Alright, it's a deal.

It's a deal?

Yeah, as long as I can go back.

Beautiful.

Come on, we'll go home.

Oh...

What?

Oh, my god.

What?

Remember that trainer,

who asked to look at my watch?

He never gave it back.

Go back there and get it.

Oh, no, come on.

Don't send me back there, please?

We're right here, just go back in.

I don't want to do a double goodbye.

I've already said goodbye

under the worst possible circumstances.

Now you want me to go in and do the double goodbye?

Yeah, I do.

Larry, I gave that to you as an anniversary gift.

Well, I'll call Gil and he'll have the trainer

send it to him or something.

That is idiotic, we're here, just go back in.

It'll take three minutes.

It's so awkward, though.

I'm not leaving here without the watch.

This is stupid, just go.

I gotta take my shoes off now.

Hey, Larry. What's going on?

I think your trainer has my watch.

He does?

Excuse me.

Do you have my watch, by any chance?

Oh, you know what? I do.

Yeah, go on.

Also, I'm gonna need directions

to get back to the freeway.

Okay, I'll go get you another copy, sure.

Oh, geez, look at this.

What a mess.

Sorry.

That's okay, no problem.

Well, bye.

See you at the store.

Yeah, so long.

Nice to meet you, okay.

Here you go, these are good.

And just watch for the barn.

The barn?

You gotta take a right at the barn.

Right at the barn, okay, thank you.

Alright, take care, goodbye.

Say goodbye everyone.

Goodbye.

You alright?

No, it was an accident.

Sounded like you knocked.

No.

Okay.

Is that a barn?

Is that a barn?

I think it was too small for a barn.

It looked more like a stable.

There was a cow there, does that mean, what?

That it could have been a barn?

There's no cows in barns.

There are cows on a farm.

Are there always barns on farms?

There's stables on farms, right?

Not necessarily barns.

I don't think that was the barn.

I think we made the wrong turn.

( Alarm beeping )

( Beeping stops )

( Jeff ) go up to my bedroom.

To the left of the TV. There's a cabinet,

by the bookcase there.

Open it up and move the linens.

There's linens in there, move 'em to the side.

Push on the back door.

Inside there, I have, like, my porn collection.

( Female ) who is it?

Hotel security, ma'am, open up.

Thank god you're here.

There's a prowler outside.

I'm really, really scared.

I can hear noises.

Take it easy, take it easy, sit down.

Listen, we've had some reports of prowlers in the area.

( Glass breaking )

What the hell was that?

Come out of there with your hands out.

Put your hands out!

( Female ) it's okay, it's my girlfriend.

Looks pretty safe, I'm gonna go back to the hotel.

No, no, you can't leave, you can't leave us.

But, there's other people.

There's a prowler outside.

You can't leave us.

Alright, oh, yeah, yeah...

Come on!

( Moaning )

Yeah, you called security,

you got it.

( Loud moaning )

Oh, my god!

Hi!

That's a friend of mine.

Gil thilander.

I had dinner at his house,

yesterday.

( Gil ) you like that?

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