Original subtitles

( Female ) ooh!

Wow!

( Cheryl ) very nice!

You were saying?

Alright, so that means you need, uh...

( Larry ) I need a spare to win.

Okay, Larry, you need a spare, this is for the team.

Please, don't humiliate me.

( Cheryl ) alright.

You gonna do that little wiggle step again, or?

Yeah, 'cause that was cute.

I'm not gonna count this if I hear any talking at all.

I think he's mad.

( Cheryl ) alright, here we go.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Alright, alright, alright, alright.

Okay.

Nice work.

Very good, very good.

Hey, you know what we should do?

I want change, that's a 20.

We should invite...

Oh, oh, oh!

We have a great idea.

This weekend, we're gonna go listen to Paul Simon.

He have the luxury box.

Come join us, it's fun.

It's gonna be a great concert.

Really?

No, that sounds great.

We'll think about it.

I don't know if I can spend another evening with these people.

He's paying you money though.

You owe me 10 bucks.

Okay.

( Cheryl ) need my shoes.

Thank you.

You were surprised.

I was very surprised.

I did not know that you were such a talented...

You thought I was gonna choke on that last ball.

I thought you were gonna choke.

You surprised me, pleasantly surprised me.

How was it, did you have fun?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Those aren't mine.

No, they gotta be.

They're not, they're not my shoes.

They were in the...

Yeah, they were in your slot.

No, my shoes are brown and they have sort of tan laces.

Well, they gotta be here.

Looks like a sneaker.

Right, yeah, come on, take a look.

They're here, they gotta be here.

You ready?

See, these were yours.

They don't have my shoes.

Are you serious?

Yeah, you sure these aren't them?

What are these here?

They were in his slot, but your shoes...

Can't find your shoes?

No.

Brown shoes, they had tan laces.

They have like, bubbles on the soles.

On the sole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

They were right next to yours.

I put them up there by mistake.

Guy took them.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, what about his shoes? Why don't you wear his shoes?

Are these his shoes?

Here's what to do here, hold on, hold on, no.

Write down your name and number.

What kind of guy would take somebody else's shoes?

A guy that has these shoes.

So, write down your number.

I'll call you immediately when I see them.

Oh, my gosh.

Does this happen to you a lot?

Yeah, it does.

Look, can I give you, like, 10 free passes?

Do you guys bowl a lot?

Yes, go for the passes.

We'll be happy to take them.

I don't think we'll be back for awhile.

I can give you the passes.

Alright, just, if he shows up, call me.

I will call you the second anyone calls or he comes.

Okay.

Want to go for a walk?

( Laughing )

You were so helpful throughout my little ordeal.

Whoo, that was fun.

Wow.

Wow, and we managed to get a Paul Simon concert out of it.

Holy cow, can you believe that?

I can't believe it.

They invited us to see Paul Simon at the luxury box.

I must have made quite an impression tonight

to get that Paul Simon invitation.

Well, your bowling skills really shining through.

Was that, uh, Friday or Saturday?

That's, uh, Friday.

Oh, it is?

Yeah, I heard him tell Mary that it was Friday.

Oh, you heard him say it?

Yeah.

Okay, good, good.

Wow.

They are so cute.

I know, what a great couple.

And so fun.

Yeah, I wonder if they thought that we were a good couple?

I think we were a good couple tonight,

don't you think?

We presented ourselves really nicely.

What aren't we a good couple?

We were fun.

Do you think they're talking about that we're a good couple?

That would be nice.

But they really are, they're a great couple.

Really like them.

She's really great.

Yeah.

I really love her, she was terrific.

Him, I can kind of take him or leave him.

I like him.

Eh, he's a little, he's a little strange.

Why?

Everything's heaven with him.

The gum, he had a piece of gum.

"Oh, this is heaven."

Had to taste a chocolate bar.

"Oh, oh, I'm in heaven."

"The parking space is heaven."

It's all heaven.

Well, he's a very happy guy.

He enjoys things.

A lot of questions, you didn't hear any of this,

but he asked me a lot of questions about

my personal hygiene, too.

Yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna even tell you what they were,

but really, like, personal.

He's a little off, I think.

Yeah, but fun, he's so fun.

Yeah, uh, yeah, he's okay, he's okay.

I don't know really what she sees in him, frankly, but.

Yeah, it was be hell living with Ted Danson.

That's got to be hard.

She's really terrific, though.

Yeah, she is.

What a beautiful person.

I mean, not only on the outside,

but she really has an inner beauty,

didn't you think?

And it just kind of radiates?

Mmm.

You know, the shame is that

I could never be friends with her, you know?

Why couldn't you be friends with her?

Well, because, uh, she's a woman.

She's married.

I'm a married man.

I'd love to just have a cup of coffee with her or something.

But you can never do that

because, well, society frowns on relationships

between men and women like that.

Well, don't let me stop you, I mean...

If we're gonna be making friends with them,

I'd just as soon be friends with her

and you can be friends with him.

And you could get the personal hygiene questions, okay?

Alright.

And that, how about that Clinton stuff?

Yeah.

When she talked about Clinton. She knows Clinton and Hillary.

Mm-hmm.

She's great.

( Phone )

Hello?

Hey, mar!

Wow!

Yeah, good morning!

No, we were gonna call you.

Oh, yeah, oh, it was fantastic.

What a great time.

Heaven, it was heaven.

He does?

Huh.

That's interesting.

Um...

Oh, no, the whole thing, the whole thing.

Uh, by the way, I still have his $10.

No, no, no, you tell him I'm gonna give it...

I'm gonna give it back to him,

don't worry about it.

So, what are you doing today?

Really, huh?

Going shopping at Barney's.

Huh.

You know, I could use a couple of things actually.

Yeah, I just, I don't have any sweaters at all, and...

What time?

It's a little drab, I think.

It looks a little drab.

Hi, lar!

Hi!

This is so great!

This is my momma from Arkansas.

This is Ann, this is Larry.

Oh, hello.

Hello, how are you?

Good, Arkansas, I've never been to Arkansas.

Oh, you must come.

It's so beautiful.

Oh, I don't think,

they don't let me into certain states, actually.

Why not?

Incorrigible, I'm incorrigible.

You know what?

I have some pull there.

I used to know the governor.

Your daughter knows the governor?

Yes, we both did, yes.

Larry, I am so impressed that you would come shopping.

What, are you kidding?

I shop all the time, I love to shop.

You love to shop.

You're the only man I know who loves to shop.

This is great.

Your daddy certainly didn't, whoo!

So...

This is a nice item you've got here.

I got this at Barney's.

I got this last week.

I bet they still have this.

This is a man's jacket.

Yeah, I love buying men's jackets.

This is a very nice item, this thing.

It's a half jacket, half shirt.

You don't know what it is.

I couldn't help, but overhear.

I happen to have one right here.

Boy, you are good.

They are good at Barney's.

I bet you're a 42.

See, Barney's salespeople,

they're practically psychic.

You're good.

You are very good.

Wow.

I'm going to insist that you buy this.

This is interesting, isn't it?

It's like a shirt and a jacket.

I think it's me.

It's beautiful on you.

You don't mind the two of us having the same coat?

I would be so honored.

Twins.

So, lar, did you like the silk giorgio blouse or no?

More than liked, I loved it.

Are you sure, 'cause I couldn't tell when I put it on.

There was something in your eyes.

Oh, no, no, I thought it was perfect on you.

Oh, look at this.

Shoes.

You know what?

I should replace the shoes from the bowling alley.

Maybe they'll have them.

I'm looking for a pair of shoes.

Uh, they're brown...

Okay, they look like a soccer shoe, almost...

You don't know the brand name of it?

They got like black bubbles on the bottom.

I bet you're talking about campers.

That's exactly what they are.

Okay, okay, let me go see if I can find them.

That's the name of the brand.

What about that blue shirt I had with the zippered...

Oh, lovely.

You don't think the sleeves go out too far?

No, no, you look so buff in it.

Oh, no, honey, you're handsome in that.

Sir, excuse me.

Is this the shoe?

Yeah, that's it.

Okay, yeah, uh, I hope that you're a nine.

No, I'm an 11.

Okay.

This is, we don't have it in anything,

but a nine right now.

So, I'd be happy to order it for you.

It would take a couple days.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

Uh, I'll need some information from you.

Okay.

So, come with me, please.

You know what, I am so blown away by,

how amazing were you today at Barney's?

I'm never seen a man take to shopping

the way our Larry took to shopping.

I love to shop.

I love to shop.

I've never known a man who loved to shop.

You know what? I'm exhausted from picking up...

From those shopping bags.

I can't even lift my sandwich.

Your wife must be very proud of you.

No, she's not.

She's not?

Not even a little bit.

Oh, she is, too. Cheryl adores you.

I love to shop, you know what else?

What?

Cook.

I shop and I cook.

You don't cook, Larry.

I'm the double header.

Mary, you should have married this man.

Let me tell you something.

Nothing...

Nothing gives me more pleasure than cracking an egg.

Nothing.

I'll make you some omelets.

I'll flip you out.

I will flip you out.

You cook?

That is so sexy.

Mary!

Well, I'm sorry.

We're friends, I can say that.

No big deal.

I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just very old fashioned about that kind of...

Oh, no, Larry, Larry, honey, that's, that's my water.

Oh!

( Coughing ) excuse me.

( Coughing )

Hi!

Hey!

Hi, I'm in here!

Where're you going?

Oh.

( Laughing ) what have you, what you have got there?

Went to Barney's.

I can see that.

Yeah.

I needed some stuff, so.

A new jacket?

Oh, yeah.

You like it?

It's interesting, don't you think?

It's like half, half jacket, half shirt.

I've never seen you with shopping bags before.

What made you decide to go shopping?

I don't know.

I was in the kitchen this morning reading the paper

and Mary called.

And she said she was going to Barney's and...

I thought, oh, what the hell,

I needed some stuff, so, I met her over there.

So, you went shopping with Mary?

She called up to talk about last night actually.

Uh-huh.

And what a great time she had

and I told her we had a great time.

She says hello.

Oh, okay.

And I don't know, she just mentioned she was going shopping

and next thing I knew,

I said, alright, you know, yeah, I'll go.

That's bizarre, don't you think?

Why?

I've never been able to get you to go shopping before.

I'll go shopping.

No, you won't.

I'll go shopping any time you want to go shopping,

you let me know.

I've asked you to go shopping with me before.

Well, maybe when you asked me,

I had something to do, I don't know.

You want to go, let's go?!

Not now, you don't need anything now!

Yes, I do.

I could use some socks and underwear, some stuff.

A belt, I've gotta buy a belt.

Uh-huh.

I've had this belt a long time.

Um, should have got that today.

Oh, also, her mother was there, too.

I forgot to mention that.

Mary's mother?

Very nice woman from Arkansas.

Very nice.

Mm-hmm.

( Doorbell )

Who the hell's that?

Hey, Larry.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, who is it?

Hey, Cheryl.

It's Ted.

How are you?

( Cheryl ) good, how are you doing?

I'm good, thanks.

What's going on?

Evidently you and Mary switched bags at Barney's.

I think this one's yours.

Oh, okay.

Oh, she must have my turtleneck.

Um, alright, I got it, I think it's in the trunk.

That's a nice jacket.

Mary's got the same one.

Oh, really?

Yeah, matter of fact, I think she wore it today.

I didn't even notice that.

Where are we, out here?

Yeah.

See you, good to see you, Cheryl.

What a day, huh?

Heaven, just heaven.

So, a shopping spree with the girls, huh, Larry?

Yeah, where were you? You should've come.

We had a great time.

I kind of figured you more as a sports guy.

Oh, well, maybe you just figured wrong.

Yeah, yeah, well, that's nice.

That's nice.

No, hey, we'll go to a ball game some time.

That'd be fun, I'd like that.

Yeah, great.

See you.

Okay, oh, Paul Simon.

Right, hey, you know what?

Maybe you should call Mary first, figure out what to wear.

I gotta go.

Hey, did, uh, Ted Danson or Mary steenburgen call?

No.

Uh, okay, but, and I'm not sure this means.

They invited us to this thing, this concert for Friday.

It's Wednesday, it's plenty of time, right, that's...

Oh, yeah.

If they call by tomorrow, you're fine, right?

Yeah.

Hey, can you figure this out?

Louie from the bowling alley called

and he said to call back right away.

What's that?

The guy must be in with my shoes.

What shoes?

Larry, glad you're here.

Right here, that's the guy.

Those are your shoes, right?

Yeah.

Is he, like, a tough guy, this guy?

No, go ahead, I'm here.

You watch this, okay?

Don't leave your post.

I'm right here.

Nice shoes.

Thanks.

I think they're mine.

You're kidding.

Kidding? No, they're my shoes.

They're your shoes?

Yeah.

How can they be your shoes?

How can they be?

Because that guy gave them to you by mistake the other day.

Well, that's weird.

That's weird?

Yeah.

What's weird?

That he would give me those shoes?

No, that's not weird.

What's weird is that you would put them on.

That's what's weird.

That's, oh, man,

it's not weird that he would give me these shoes?

No, that's a mistake.

And they're not my shoes and he gave them to me.

Yeah, that's a mistake.

That's an honest mistake.

Yeah, what's weird is that you would take shoes

that don't belong to you and put them on.

That's weird.

Or even weirder that you left without even your shoes.

That's not that weird.

I had nothing else to wear.

Oh, that would be, that'd be kind of weird.

No, that's gonna be weird for you now

after I get the shoes back.

That'll be weird.

Oh, you want them back?

Yeah, I do.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

They're comfortable shoes.

Yeah, I know they are.

He gave them to me, I don't know what he was thinking.

He's a nut.

He's a little nutty, isn't he?

Yeah, I know.

He's a little crazy.

He's just a little crazy.

He's a little crazy.

Those are comfortable shoes.

I'm glad you liked 'em.

Okay.

Crazy, jeez.

Remember me?

Sure do.

Yeah, the shoes?

I know the ones.

How'd you do?

Perfect.

I used a desalter liquid with a scrub brush.

And then I used a deodorizer spray.

They smell like new shoes.

No kidding.

All fumigated?

Perfect.

So, I can wear them?

All safe?

Yeah, enjoy them.

Thanks.

I'm gonna put them on.

Please, do.

Listen to this.

Smokey got me floor seats to Paul Simon.

You're kidding, really?

Yup.

That's great.

You know what? I still haven't heard from Ted and Mary.

I mean, you know, we don't know where to go,

where to pick up the tickets, we don't know anything.

It's Thursday already, I'm getting a little concerned.

Want me to call them?

Hi, I'm the salesman from Barney's, Danny.

You ordered some shoes.

Oh, the shoes, yeah, yeah.

How you doing?

Good.

They haven't come in yet, but as soon as they do...

Um...

Those are campers.

Yeah, what happened was, uh...

You're still coming in to get the...

Well, let me tell you what happened.

Somebody took the shoes originally that I had...

I don't need to hear the whole story.

You're coming in to purchase the shoes though, right?

Well, I don't really need the shoes now

because I got them back at the bowling alley, so.

You asked me to waive the deposit

and I did that for you.

You looked like an honest person and I trusted your face.

He is an honest person.

You're very honest, you're honest.

Okay, this doesn't concern you.

I haven't done anything dishonest.

I can't, I don't need the shoes anymore.

That's not dishonest.

Sir, you asked a favor of me and I helped you out,

but as long you're taken care of,

I guess that's all that really matters.

No, that's not what's all that really matters.

That's not what matters.

I mean, do you want me to buy two pairs?

No, I work on commission, okay?

And now, I'm put in a bad situation, alright?

You know, I'm stuck with these shoes.

And so I can't even...

How much is the commission?

I'll pay you the commission, okay?

That is so insulting.

How dare you?

That's not a "how dare you".

What do you mean, dare? I'm not dare...

I am not a shoe whore.

I didn't accuse you of being a shoe whore.

I'm trying to rectify the situation.

You cannot buy your way out of this situation.

People like you are the problem.

Oh, yeah, I'm not... I'm the solution.

I'm the solution to the problem, okay?

This is outrageous, it really is.

I mean, what kind of people invite you to go to a concert

and then they don't call you?

It's 4:30.

Maybe we should call them.

Do you know how awkward that is?

I mean, they know they invited us to the concert.

They're obviously deliberately not calling.

How could I call them up and go,

"we're waiting for your call."

And then they'll say,

"well, we don't want to go with you."

At least lie to us.

Right, something.

You know, call us and lie.

Don't let us sit here like schmucks.

Yeah.

A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy.

It's a little respect.

This is very disrespectful.

Well, why would they decide

that they don't want to go with us, though?

I don't know.

I mean, did we not have a good time with them

when we went bowling?

We had a great... was that fun?

That was a good time.

I mean, did we do something to offend them?

What?

After Barney's the other day, we went out to lunch.

Right.

And, uh, I took a sip from a glass of water.

And her mother said to me, "that's my glass."

And I went "bleh!", like that.

Larry.

I can't believe you're even acting

like you don't know why we're not invited.

I didn't think of it.

Unbelievable.

Of course, they're not gonna call us.

Mary's mother?

What's wrong with you?

I really wanted to go to that concert.

So did I, I like Paul Simon.

* I met my old lover on the street last night *

* she seems so glad to see me *

* I just smile

* and we talked about some old times *

* and we drank ourselves some beers *

* still crazy after all these years *

* oh, still crazy after all these years *

* I'm not the kind of man who tends to socialize *

* I seem to lean on old familiar ways *

* and I ain't no fool for love songs that whisper in my ears *

* still crazy after all these years *

* oh, still crazy after all these years *

oh, hi, how are you?

Good, I'd like to return this, please.

What seems to be the problem?

Uh, you know, it's kind of half jacket, half shirt,

half man, half beast.

I don't know, it's...

It looked so great on you the other day.

Excuse me.

No, sir, no, I'm sorry.

We will not be accepting that from you.

Why, what are you talking about?

Why not?

I know your little game.

And I'm not playing it.

There's no game! What do you mean, a game?

I haven't worn this.

Listen, I only wore this in the store the day I bought it.

Sir, I did a favor for you.

And you messed me over once

and I'm not gonna let it happen again.

When did I mess you over?

I don't know what you're talking about, mess you over.

Oh, you're so innocent.

I'm not diabolical, you think I'm diabolical?

Yap, yap, yap, I don't want to hear about it, okay?

Here's the thing.

I did a favor for you and you walked over me.

I didn't even wear this thing.

I should be allowed to return this.

It is ridiculous.

Larry? Larry?

Oh, hi!

Hi!

How are you?

Good, how you doing?

Just fine.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I had a little zipper problem on the... it's okay.

Hey, were you at that concert last night?

Oh, yes.

I mean, the box was entirely full.

Is that so?

Yes.

Did Ted or Mary say anything about me, or?

Oh, honey, I don't think anybody mentioned your name at all.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah.

It wasn't even mentioned at all?

Well, I didn't hear anybody say anything.

Where's Mary?

Oh, she's right over there.

Mrs. steenburgen!

Hi!

Hi.

Oh, Mary!

Larry!

Hey.

How weird.

How weird to run into you at Barney's again.

Yeah.

What have you got?

Oh, I've got a zipper problem.

I was gonna bring it over there.

Oh, 'cause for a second

I thought maybe you were taking it back.

I was gonna say, are you crazy?

No, no, I love this thing.

Okay, because that looks so great on you.

Yeah, no, I love that.

So...

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Cheryl and I were, you know, you invited us to the concert

and then you kind of never called us about it.

The Paul Simon concert.

You're coming with us tomorrow night.

We're counting on you being there.

Sunday night?

We thought it was, we thought it was last night.

No, no, well, we went last night.

He's playing three nights, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

And we knew we were gonna go two nights, Friday and Sunday.

We're fans.

And we wanted you to come Sunday night.

You thought that we'd forgotten you.

I thought that, yeah.

Larry.

Larry.

We would never do that.

Tomorrow night, tomorrow night.

Oh, my god, so, you're going on Sunday?

So are you.

Are you going?

Oh, well, I hadn't planned to go.

Oh, no, you're coming.

She's coming.

You're coming, mom.

Momma, you have to come.

Alright, okay.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Uh, where's Ted and Mary?

Oh, honey, bill and Hillary flew in this morning

and then this evening was the only time

they could all get together.

Uh, they said to tell you they were really sorry

and they'll call you tomorrow.

Uh, where's your wife?

Allen and Pam from Philadelphia, her cousins, flew in.

So, she couldn't come.

Well, uh...

Well, I guess it's, uh, you and me, huh?

Yeah, guess so.

* I seem to lean on old familiar ways *

* and I ain't no fool for love songs that whisper in my ears *

* still crazy after all these years *

* still crazy after all these years *

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