Original subtitles

Cheryl, come here for a second.

What?

Look at this.

What's going on?

Yeah, what's going on?

What is going on?

It's just material.

Yeah, I know.

But, really, look at these pant.

I've seen pants bunch up before.

I have never seen a bunch-up like this in my life.

I have.

This is like a five inch bunch-up I got here.

Well, you don't have to play with it.

Is it a bad thing?

Maybe it's not such a bad thing, you know?

Because you want people to think

that you constantly have an erection?

Is it a bad thing for me to walk around like that?

Yeah, it is.

I got a tent.

It's a big one.

Hey, um,

you want to go to that Dustin Hoffman movie tonight?

It's Monday.

What do I do on Monday nights?

I don't know, what? You take a bath?

Yoga.

You don't have to do it every Monday.

Yes, I do.

I don't have anybody to go with.

Go by yourself.

Maybe I'll call Richard Lewis.

Call Richard Lewis.

Richie boy!

What are you doing?

Well, I was thinking about going to see that, uh,

Dustin Hoffman movie.

You're kidding?

Yeah, at the crest.

Yeah, okay, I'll...

Sure, no, I don't care, no, that's fine.

9:00.

Okay.

Alright, I'll see you later, probably.

I'm not sure if I'm going still.

Otherwise, I'll see you on Saturday night.

Alright, bye.

So, is he going?

Yeah, he's going, but, um,

you know, he's got a date.

Is this his new girl?

Yeah, you know we're having dinner with them on Saturday.

Right, what is she like?

I don't know, I've never met her.

Oh.

He could've invited me to go along with him.

I don't know what the big deal is.

He's going to the same movie...

You just said he had a date.

He has a date!

Well, so what?

Larry, you don't ask somebody to go to the movies

when you have a date.

( Phone )

Here.

Hello?

Hey, Nancy.

Oh, just hanging around, talking to Larry.

What are you doing?

Oh, really?

You know what? You should go to the movies with Larry.

Yeah.

He's going to that, uh...

That Dustin Hoffman movie.

Yeah, yeah, no, he would love to go with you.

This is perfect, hold on.

She wants to go.

She wants to go.

Hello?

( Dialing )

( Phone ringing )

( Male ) hello?

Hey, Jeff!

Hey, how you doing?

I can't believe I got you in your car.

I'm your manager, I'm always available.

I love that.

Well, there you go, what's going on?

Nothing, I'm going to the movies.

Who you going with?

My wife tells her friend that I'm looking for somebody

to go to the movies with.

So, now I'm going to the movies with my wife's friend,

who I find really annoying.

Forget about all that tonight.

You wanna play golf this weekend?

I don't know, I'll have to ask Hitler.

( Male ) Hitler?( Fe) Hitler?

( Female ) who's he talking about?

Hey, who's in your car?

( Jeff ) just my parents, they're in town.

Well, get me off the speaker phone, please?!

Hold on.

Now you're off the speaker phone.

What's the matter with you?!

I thought I was having a private conversation!

I didn't know anybody else was in your car!

Hold on one second.

Relax back there, relax!

Hello.

Oh, forget it.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Alright, call me tomorrow, bye.

Goodbye.

Excuse me.

Is that a problem for you?

Excuse me.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

Could you be a little bit nicer about it and just go by?

You make this big sigh, I'm just trying to get by.

I'm sitting here, and you could enter the other way, please?

Could you just move your legs?

What are you doing? Are you looking at my breasts?

You're looking at my breasts.

I'm not looking at your breasts, I'm trying to get to my seat.

He's looking at my breasts.

Yeah, yeah, you and your special breasts.

Just excuse me, please?

Please, just go by... Without stepping on my foot.

You wear that dress 'cause you want people to look at your shoes, right?

Is that it?

Prick!

Can you believe that? Did you hear that?

I did.

Jerk.

I hate her.

What a sick fuck.

I hate her, man.

She doesn't even move her knees to let somebody in?

She's sitting on the aisle,

she doesn't expect somebody to come in?

Oh, I'm so sorry, you okay?

You alright? You got really upset, didn't you?

Well, don't worry, it's over now.

Oh, shit, there she is.

Yo, d!

You came!

This is one of my best friends.

This is Larry David.

Nice to meet you.

This is Sofia.

And, uh...

Nancy.

Nancy?

I'm a huge fan of yours.

You're so funny.

Well, you know...

Only on deeply religious holidays.

Did you like the film?

Yeah, not bad.

Oh, it was great.

It was fabulous.

It was great.

Why don't we go, you know,

let's get a little cappuccino and some pizza.

On me, on me!

It's too late for cappuccino.

I'll be up 'til 5:00 in the morning if I have a cup of coffee now.

Did you ever hear the word, what is it, decaf?

Decaf doesn't work that well.

That'll keep me up 'til, you know, two.

I get the distinct feeling that I'm, like, himmler's ghost.

It's late anyway, I'm gonna go home.

What about dinner?

Are we still on for dinner Saturday?

We're going out with the David's Saturday night.

Yeah.

We're gonna meet his wife.

Oh.

We're gonna go out and...

Let's make it a leisurely dinner, if you don't mind.

What does that mean? Leisurely?

Well, somewhere between two and 20 hours.

I don't know.

I don't know what that means, leisurely.

I love you, nice to meet you.

Hope I see you again.

Alright, I'll see you Saturday.

You sure everything's alright?

Yeah.

Alright.

Hey! Hey!

How was the movie?

Oh, not bad.

So, not quite sure how to tell you this,

but I think your friend Nancy

thinks she got me aroused in the movie.

Why would she think that?

Because of the tent in the pants, and she looked down.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

She thought that there was some garbage there.

She looked over

and she looked at your crotch?

She looked at it.

She looked at it.

She looked down.

What was her reaction?

Like it was awkward.

There was a little twinkle, yeah.

You're sure that she looked over

and thought that you were excited?

90% sure.

Can't be 100% sure, I'm 90% sure.

That's really weird.

It's very creepy.

I told you about these pants!

I know, it's just material.

It's obvious...

It's not obvious!

Look, look!

So, she didn't say anything to you about it?

You didn't say anything...

No, there was no time, the movie started.

And you weren't.

What?

You weren aroused.

No, look at this!

I'm just making sure.

I told you about these pants!

But you didn't believe me, you scoffed.

Because any idiot could tell that was just material.

She's your friend.

Well...

Maybe I'll call her.

No, no, no.

No, don't do that, that's crazy.

Oh, by the way, I've got some more news, too.

You know, in case this wasn't enough for you.

We're not going out to dinner with Richard Lewis

and his girlfriend on Saturday night.

That's out.

Why?

Um, I got in a fight with his girlfriend...

Before the movie started.

Larry, why?

How in the world could you get in a fight with Richard's...

It wasn't my fault.

I was trying to get to my seat and she wouldn't let me go,

and, we got... he wasn't there.

I'll tell you about it, I just have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, um, Jeff called and left a message on the machine.

And he said that he's sorry.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

If he leaves a message saying he's sorry,

you don't know what that means?

He's sorry about what happened?

Yeah, like you knew, you would know what that message meant.

What happened?

That's weird, I have no idea.

You have no idea what happened?

No.

He would just leave a message saying...

I'm thinking about it.

I don't even know what he's talking about.

I'll talk to him tomorrow.

Strange night, huh?

Yeah, very strange.

* oh de oh

* oh de oh...

Hello? Yeah.

Um, do you know how much longer he's gonna be?

Okay.

So, it was really uncool

to just leave that message, "I'm sorry", on my machine,

'cause my wife...

You know, she asked me, "what is he sorry about?"

And I had no answer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna say that I called her "Hitler",

and your parents heard it in the car.

No.

Hello?

Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna call back.

Okay?

And the thing is, she's gonna ask me again.

Well, we'll think of something.

What are you doin', what are you writing?

I'm writing Kathy Griffin a letter of apology.

Why? What did you do?

We did nothing to each other,

but just every week I end up writing her an apology letter.

What a job you have.

You have to write people letters?

I know.

It's ridiculous.

It's crazy.

Kathy Griffin's the only one who doesn't understand.

What if Kathy Griffin called you up

and said that she wanted me to write a pilot for her,

and you said,

no, I wasn't available, without consulting me.

Mm-hmm.

If my wife ever asks me again, which I'm sure she will,

that's what I could tell her.

That's why you said you were sorry.

Great, great, wonderful.

You like that?

Yes, very much.

Yeah, it's quite good, isn't it?

So, we're lying together.

Yeah.

So that's our story, in case my wife ever talks to you,

Kathy Griffin...

"Yeah, Kathy Griffin called him up,

"and, uh, he said I couldn't write the pilot for her.

"Without even asking me.

He's an idiot, he's an idiot."

Who is?

You are, I'm talking to my wife now.

"He's a big, fat idiot."

Big, fat idiot?

Tell your wife I'm an idiot.

Don't say I'm a fat idiot.

I'm kidding.

Could you do me a favor?

Write me a letter of apology.

I will.

For calling me a fat idiot, listen.

The other night when you called your wife "Hitler"?

My parents, you know, were in the back?

We had a gay cousin that escaped Nazi Germany,

so my parents are very sensitive to it.

Talk about being ostracized.

Well, yeah.

Gay Jew in Nazi Germany?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He must have had a hard time.

Yep.

What a combo.

Listen, can you do me a favor?

Please, this afternoon, come by the house

and, apologize to my parents.

It's for me, they're here for another week.

My father wants me to drop you as a client!

He keeps on telling me everyday.

"Drop him, drop him as a client!"

Because of one stupid, little joke I made in the car?

One stupid, little thing.

Because of the gay Jew cousin?

They're very sensitive about it...

Of the gay Jew cousin.

I gotta go meet them for lunch.

I'll be home this afternoon, please, please come by.

Don't ever put me on that speaker phone again

in your car if anybody's sitting there,

ever again!

If I'm by myself it's okay.

Yeah!

Okay, but can you do me a favor, please?

Tell my parents you're sorry.

Quickly zip in, zip out, and tell them, alright?

Have you ever heard of this new restaurant

called "mama's boy"?

Yeah, I heard it's great.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, good, Cheryl and I are going on Saturday night.

We have reservations.

With Lewis and his girlfriend?

No, we were supposed to, but that fell through.

I should take my parents there.

You should.

"Mama's boy."

( Whistling )

Nobody is gonna wanna see her on another awards show.

No, okay, I gotta go.

Alright, bye.

Hi.

Did Richard Lewis call?

Yes, and he's coming over.

Oh.

So, it'll probably be a few minutes from now.

Um, Bob Shaw called.

He just wanted to say hi.

And your wife called twice.

Okay, I don't need that.

Q-tips? Okay.

Yeah, I'm writing it down.

A color wrap.

Is that tin foil or plastic?

Is that saran wrap?

No, I don't know.

Well, that's what I thought, okay.

Uh, yes, as a matter of fact I did.

Um, what happened was Kathy Griffin had called him

( knocking ) about the possibility of me writing a pilot for her.

She was interested in me writing a pilot for her,

and he never told me about it.

He just said no without telling me.

So, that's what he said he was sorry about.

( Banging )

Okay, yeah, I love you, too.

Okay, bye.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Because I've never been married, and I think I'm in love,

and I think you might have ruined this for me.

Come on, "ruined it."

If I did, I did you a favor, by the way.

That's one of the most insensitive things you have ever said.

I don't think it's insensitive, I think it's sensitive.

I think it's sensitive, I don't, I do.

Let me tell you something.

Now this is a woman who knows seven languages.

She's very sweet.

I'm taking a leak, the movie's about to start.

Look at me, can you respect...?

I drove down in rush hour.

And those seats are like this.

She tried. She didn't try.

"Do you mind?!

Can't you move?!"

And then, here's the coup de gras,

you look at her breasts!

You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!

They're not breasts,

they're just big chemical balls, okay?

They're not breasts.

How do you know they're fake?

I could take a guess.

So, maybe they are fake, what's the big deal?

Nothing, don't call them breasts, they're not breasts.

First of all, I'm getting...

I have that irregular heart thing, and this is not a good thing.

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

This is all very bad for me.

We're doing the litany now?

What else?

I can give you the litany.

You want to know what my cholesterol was?

272, alright?

So, I don't need this shit, man.

I've known her for six weeks.

We've already had intercourse.

She's loving, she speaks seven languages.

Congratulations on the intercourse.

And I happen to be a little bit in love with her, okay?

Well, a little bit should be the operative word here.

I don't know how to get...

First of all, it's none of your fucking business.

'Cause you're the most insensitive...

Does she ask you to go over

some of the Neil Simon scripts at night?

The actress?

Make you do some readings at night with her in bed?

Does she give you a script

and go over the lines with you on the sides?

Do you read the sides with her?

She reads wyzell, she reads a lot of things.

She reads wyzell?

That's right.

Not everyone's a moron I go out with.

You know what she should be reading?

Emily fucking post!

That's what she should be reading!

Let me tell you something, Larry.

Listen, Saturday night, do me a favor.

I love you, alright?

We have enough good stuff in the bank to get over this.

But Saturday night at dinner, could we maybe,

maybe try to have an apology for this?

First of all, there's no way I can have dinner with you on Saturday night.

That's out.

Am I hearing this?

I'm not having dinner.

Our relationship's at stake right now.

Our relationship's at stake.

Get out of here!

You'd better call me later on...

By sundown.

By sundown?

What are you, Gary Cooper? By sundown?

What's...?

That's funny.

You know, I'm trying not to laugh, but that's funny.

You'd better call me by sundown.

By sundown?

And is a posse gonna come get me?

That's right.

( Chattering )

( Female ) oh, there he is, hi, 'lar.

So, these are my friends,

Connie and Robin, from "the mommy and me class".

Oh, okay.

( Female ) I'm one of the mommies.

Hi, mommy, hi.

( Female ) actually, let's go up and see the kids.

( Jeff ) mom, dad, Larry's here.

Oh, really?

Hi, um...

I've come to tell you that,

um, I'm sorry about the other night.

And I know you were in the car,

and you overheard me say something about my wife.

We were in the car.

I'm sorry if I offended you,

it was meant as a joke,

it wasn't very funny, obviously.

It wasn't funny.

No!

I thought I was just talking to Jeff...

You mean you can say that kind of thing to Jeff,

and he thinks it's funny,

is that what you're trying to say?

I'm not trying to say that.

You don't think it's funny.

( Jeff ) I would've told him it was the wrong thing to say.

I think so.

I don't think my wife is Hitler,

I love my wife very much.

She's given up her career

to work full-time for the environment.

So, it was an error on your part?

It was cruel and not nice.

It was rotten, if I may say so.

It was rotten!

It was rotten.

I'm sorry, I agree, it was rotten.

Alright, it's over now.

It's over, what you did.

You have to pull yourself together.

I do, I'm trying to pull myself together.

You have to get ahold of yourself.

So, you did what you did,

and, it wasn't very nice,

but, I try to be a nice human being.

Forget about it.

As long as you understand.

( Jeff ) he understands, he's great.

I'm done with the Hitler stuff.

You're alright.

Thank you.

You've come in and you said it.

Ah, ah, ah, easy.

( Female ) mom, dad!

Sammy is asleep, on the floor,

he's got his arm around Sarah.

It's the cutest thing, you gotta come up,

right now.

Larry, come, it's so cute.

Jeffrey, get the polaroid, okay?

The polaroid...

And you can see the new wallpaper.

( Chattering )

( Jeff ) the polaroid, I'll get the polaroid.

I'm not gonna go upstairs.

Whatever, you know, it's your business.

You wanna, you wanna, you don't, you don't.

I can't make you.

I gotta get moving.

Thank you, that was really nice of you.

I really appreciate it.

I gotta go up there now.

( Cheryl ) Larry, Larry, come here for a second.

Um, look who's here.

I just wanted to just get this out in the open.

What the hell?

It's Nancy.

And, I just wanted you to come over here...

Come over here for one second.

I thought we should just talk about this.

Tell her what you were telling me the other night.

Why are you doing this? This is silly!

Tell her what you told me the other night.

I can't believe that

she's talking to you about this!

This is insane!

Wait a second, wait a second,

hold it, hold it.

Can I just say something here?

Okay...

Now, I came home, and I thought

it was really funny,

it was kind of a joke to me that,

you know, that you stared down, over here...

Because you had an erection.

Nancy, this is,

this is why it's funny,

because you thought that I had an erection.

I thought?

But, I don't understand the "thought" part.

That's what we're saying.

Even before the movie,

Larry said, "look at these pants".

I pointed out the pants to her

right before the movie.

Larry, you sat down, and everything was fine.

And then I started rubbing your arm,

and, you got a hard-on.

It's not a big deal, I don't care.

No, it's not a big deal.

And I wouldn't mind it, if, in fact, I did.

Wait a second, wait a second.

She was rubbing your arm?

Why were you rubbing his arm?

I was upset about the woman...

Why didn't you tell me

that she was rubbing your arm?

I was upset about the woman

who wouldn't let me into the aisle!

Why wouldn't you tell me that

when you told me the story?

It's so insignificant to me, the whole thing!

( Cheryl ) I'm taking in all the facts.

Listen, it happened, okay?

He got an erection, it wasn't a big deal.

Nancy, it didn't happen, okay?

If it happened, I would give you credit for it!

It didn't happen.

I know, when I get these things and how they happen.

These things, these erection things?!

I know the source.

I know the source, too.

Yeah, I can name sources!

Sophia loren was once a source!

I know my sources!

Sometimes they're mysterious sources,

and, I don't know where it comes from!

Other times, I can pinpoint it!

What about me?

Am I not even involved in a source?

Yeah, you're a source, she's a source.

Oh, my god!

Listen, you got a hard-on.

No, I didn't!

You got a hard-on!

Look, look, look at these pants.

That's not what it looked like.

That was flopping, this was not flopping.

There was something hard in there,

and it was your fucking dick!

Are you crazy?

Don't walk out!

( Larry ) let me show you, I'll get the pants!

( Door slamming )

What did you have to tell her that for?!

You didn't tell me the whole story,

thank you!

Jesus.

( Chattering )

Look what's doing here.

This is really crowded.

Hi, uh, reservation for 8:00,

for David.

Uh, yes.

I have you for a party of four.

Yeah, but there are only gonna be two of us.

Larry, hey, hey, come here!

Hey!

Excuse me one second.

( Jeff ) hey, Cheryl!

Hi!

Ooh, I haven't seen you in so long,

ooh, 'lookit.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Greene.

This is Cheryl, Larry's wife,

this is Jeff's parents.

Hi.

( Mrs. Greene ) how do you do, Cheryl, is it?

Yes.

How are you, Cheryl? Nice to see you.

Pretty lady, pretty lady.

How's everything?

( Silence )

Can I talk to you for a second?

( Larry ) yeah.

She's not gonna tell her about the Hitler thing?

No, no, no, no way.

I promise you, I promise you, no way.

Listen, there is a little bit of a problem, though.

Remember the other day when you were leaving,

and we wanted you to come upstairs

and look at the kid?

Susie asked you to come upstairs?

My parents are mad you didn't.

What?

My parents are upset you didn't come up,

they thought you should come up.

Up the stairs? To see the kids?

They're mad at me?

They're mad at you.

That's insane.

I've already told them they're crazy.

And, what did they say?

They said, it would've been nice if he would've came upstairs,

what kind of man doesn't come upstairs

to look at another man's kid?

They didn't even say hello to me.

I know, they're upset with you.

Hold on, she wants to talk to you.

( Hostess ) excuse me.

I'm trying to find a place for a table of two,

and I just don't have one.

Wait a second...

( Cheryl ) what's happening?

We can't sit two people at a table of four...

We'll take a table for two, then.

Right, there is no table for two available

for another hour and a half.

Well, then, we'll take the table for four,

and there'll just be two of us.

Right, we can't sit a two in a four,

we can only sit a four in a four.

Otherwise, we're wasting space.

I know, but we had a reservation for four,

and the two people couldn't come.

I can't do it, it's not looking good,

I'm telling you, it's not looking good.

Thank you, that's fine.

You know what, Larry?

You should just tell her who you are.

Yeah, who am I?

I'm a guy without a table, that's who I am.

Try the "Seinfeld" thing and see if she reacts.

Forget it, I'm not gonna say that.

It will help.

Ma'am, can you come for one second?

Tell her who you are.

He was one of the creators of "Seinfeld".

( Larry ) so what, right? Okay, big deal, fine.

What I'm saying is...

She can find a table for you.

I wish I could help you, but...

You've seen it.

I saw it once, it was good.

( Larry ) did you, really? Which one?

I can't remember.

Okay, great, see?

She never even saw the show, good going.

But we can't give preferential treatment here.

( Jeff ) Cheryl, Larry, join us, we got the corner table.

Easily add two, come on, join us.

Please do, I've done it before.

Okay, we'll see if we can do that.

Thank you, hey, Larry David,

co-creator of "Seinfeld"?

Okay, please? Thank you, very much.

"Seinfeld", Larry David, thank you, very much.

Okay, come on, let's go, come on.

You wanna eat with him and his family?

I'm starving.

I'm gonna get the veal parmesan.

( Mrs. Greene ) oh, honey, I don't think you should get that.

Alright, I'll get the white fish then,

are you happy? I'll get the white fish.

( Mr. Greene ) I'm gonna have the fish frenzy.

( Susie ) what's that? Where do you see that?

( Mr. Greene ) right here.

And it's got brewed shrimp with it...

Well, I'm not having that,

I'm having white fish, isn't that right, sweetheart?

( Jeff ) whatever you want, mom.

Okay.

When are you guys going back?

What, is there a hurry?

Next Tuesday.

I know, because I bought the tickets.

Next Tuesday, right?

Next Tuesday.

( Susie ) listen, mom,

you're welcome to stay with us

as long as you want.

Good evening, how are you this evening?

I'd like to apologize for the necessity

to crowd you a bit.

We're very busy tonight, fortunately,

but, I hope you enjoy you're dinner

nevertheless.

Are you mama's boy?

I am a mama's boy, and I'm proud of it.

Enjoy your dinner.

( Everyone ) thank you.

( Maitre de ) enjoy the dinner, thank you.

I love to see a black owner,

black entrepreneurship.

What does that mean? What do you mean?

It's just...

( Susie ) I just wanna point out...

If you're not gonna order dessert,

it's not really a good deal,

because the entrees are cheaper a la carte, mom.

( Mrs. Greene I don't feel well, I really don't.

Having nice time?

Having a great time.

We've got to do this again more often,

don't you think?

Maybe I'll call in for next week.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Do this again next week?

( Susie ) oh, Kathy Griffin.

Hey, hey...

Sorry to interrupt.

Larry, Jeff, susie.

I cannot believe this coincidence.

I have been meaning to call you,

about Larry.

We talked about it. We talked about it.

The thing about the pilot, yeah.

Pilot?

We should do that.

( Larry ) that's what you called him about, I know.

( Kathy ) I didn't call you,

I'm saying I was gonna give you a call this week.

I thought maybe,

you might wanna write something for me.

You know?

No, I know.

How do you know?

Oh, because...

Anyway, I just thought it'd be funny,

maybe we get together, kick around some ideas.

( Mrs. Greene ) what's your name, miss?

Kathy Griffin.

( Mr. Greene ) you're an attractive young lady.

Oh, wow, you better watch him, miss.

Alright, I'll talk to ya soon, okay?

Bye-bye, sorry to interrupt.

( Mrs. Greene ) sweet girl...

( Mr. Greene ) look at the way that girl walks.

Look at that, what rhythm she has.

Captions copyright 2000 home box office

a division of time Warner entertainment company, l.P.

Captioned by hbo communications center