Original subtitles

Hey, Jim Stanley's back from the hospital today.

Can you sign his card? Oh, great

"Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy."

That's not good

Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious

It's nice. It's funny

It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes

a funny little joke about his mustache

Stanley doesn't have a mustache

Yeah, he does

Pam, hit the brakes Stanley does not have a mustache.

I think he has a mustache

Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day

Phyllis, does he have a mustache or not?

Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't

Phyllis, what are you talking

The whole card depends on this

Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years

How can none of us picture his face?

Because we come here to do our jobs

We don't stick our noses in other people's business

Okay. Which one of these looks more right?

Neither of those looks like any person

that has ever existed or been dreamt of

in the history of human insanity

That said the one on the left

Guys, that's the elevator What if it's him?

Okay, quick, who says "mustache"?

Yep

Who says "no mustache"?

Ah!

Hey! He does have one

Yes

Welcome back, Stanley.

"Good morning, Robert,' says no one

because our receptionist is in Florida.

Pam Oh

Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake featuring Swizz Beatz"?

Um, no, I was just having a cup of coffee

kind of warming up for the day.

People, you should come to work already warm

9:00 to 10:00 a.m. is the most productive potential that human beings...

Sorry! Sorry, everyone I'm late

but you are all here, so no harm done at a by my lateness

Nellie, really, 9:50

Oh, here's what happened.

7:46, my alarm clock goes off, I hear it, whack the snooze.

Nine minutes. Buzz, off it goes again, whack

Seven more times I did that Buzz, whack, buzz, whack.

By the time I got up, it was 10 minutes ago

No will power That is my curse

I've never believed will power was very important in a woman

would have shown up to work

nearly an hour late for no reason.

Oh, I assure you I would have done

I did And I'll keep doing it

No, no, there's something going on some stress in your life.

Well, yes, there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense

Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida.

Then, I have to move into my apartment

in this dreadful, God knows where it is

backwater, suburb of a suburb

and I mean no offense, but are there

a lot of Irish people living around here?

Yes - Oh

No offense

None taken

Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.

Ooh! Ay caramba! The natives are getting restless.

Who's a native?

Excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile

I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff

on the basketball court

What does that mean? Okay, okay

If you'd let me finish

Or the squash court or the supreme court Hmm?

Nellie? Yes, Robert

You're clearly under a lot of stress with the moving

and the work situation you've found yourself in

Yeah

Let's help her out shall we?

Go above and beyond today

to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality

Jim, Dwight, take the day

Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place

Why Jim? What?

The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day

to welcome the newest member of our little community.

I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone

because they're being horrible?

I'm sorry. We're taking work time

to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment

I'm still not sure why this woman is even here!

Why is she here?

Two crazy kids on the journey of life

Going to Pennsylvania

On the road with my new girlfriend

But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend,

who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania

Oh, that must be nice

Mmm-hmm

It's a beautiful place Great place to let her down easy.

Oh, no, no I meant that must be nice to have parents.

Oh. Hmm

Time to have a little kiss

No

Mmm. Sorry, right

No kisses until the breakup is official Yes

I believe in that Yes, so do I

I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important

Important. Mmm-hmm

I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her

She's always late she's always rude

It kind of makes me want to throw a really bad party.

Yeah

On purpose

Phyllis

We should do it right here in the break room

Ooh

Order carrot cake

And Jessica just so you know

this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you

Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible

and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman.

Okay. That was one minute and 1 0 seconds

Consider it nailed

should try it again

This time worst case scenario

Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know

What?

I just need you to know

What? I didn't sleep well last night

Ow

Nellie, that reminds me do you want this chair in the bedroom?

'Cause I don't think it's going to fit through the door

Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris?

"Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally

"Oh, I have no idea what a gift this line is.'

That was one time

I will get the chair in. Watch the great "Schrut-ini" work his magic

Oh, no, really? Magic, no, no, no let's not go there

No, nothing is more repellent than magicians

Bunch of grown men waving wands

pulling bunnies out of body crevices

Magicians are repulsive Next topic

Excuse me, one second

Hi - Hey, what's up?

Oh, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.

Hauling cube

That's moving boxes

We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler

So, we're planning this party for Nellie,

and we're going to make it really bad.

It sounds like every other party

No, we're going to make it like a prank

like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card

Oh, hire a magician

What?

Trust me Okay.

Wow, there's a lot of cars here This is just weird.

Andy. Hi, what are you doing here?

Hey, Lauren look at you.

I'm just on my way back from this business trip

thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica

Aw

Why is Erin with me? That's a great question

She is my co-worker and she needed a ride because she totaled her car

Oh, God

So I'm Erin Yeah, this is Erin

Hi. Nice to meet you

Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon

Mmm-hmm

Hey, ladies, Andy's here

Okay, Andy, that is a bachelorette party

This is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime

Should we go?

Yeah

You know, we had such a quick window to make this work.

I think we should probably just

Oh, Jess look who stopped by after his business trip

Andy, hey

are called presidential-sized in England

a "Tweeter" account

Yes, you should

Ooh

I have to see these shoes.

Oh

Who is this guy?

There's the two of them taking a hike

I'm guessing he's some kind of friend

Boyfriend

Here's the two of them kissing at a beach

and kissing at the Eiffel Tower

I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend

Like a boyfriend?

You read my mind. Yeah

Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.

Hmm

Maybe someone threw a pie in his face.

New theory, he's a hated Italian politician

Better theory, this is her ex-boyfriend

and they went through some kind of painful breakup

Oh - Nellie

so sorry, we were just

discovered Benjamin

That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry

Why not call... Shh

God, we owned this flat together

Then one morning just like that, he was gone

He ran off with a waitress at our favorite restaurant.

That's awful

What kind of restaurant?

Dwight

afford the flat myself So I sold it at a loss

Ah, but what's 10 years of bliss down the drain

compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?

I'm so sorry These must be very painful memories

If it would help you to forget

in the brain stem with this candlestick

Thank you. No

Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this

No, no, of course

Just one quick question was this Halloween or

God, no

That's the most embarrassing thing of all of this.

What kind of fool gets her heart broken by a bloody stage magician?

You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here

Let's give up on all this mean stuff

What? No. No. I just had this brilliant idea

Everyone loved it.

You don't have a copyright on pranks

at this than you

No, that's not Jim, could you give us a hand?

Absolutely. Yeah

Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay?

It's way more complicated than you think.

Cancel the magician. Trust me.

Oh, okay. Okay, I will

That's a great idea

Yeah. Okay

Pam, we have a great idea. - Listen to this

We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering.

It's going to make everyone sick

Or what if Okay.

...we discuss the idea of doing the party totally normal

Like, not mean

Just a regular party

Not mean

I knew she'd crack I wanted to leave you out, you know.

We're in far too deep We can't change course at this point

What are you talking about? Of course we can

What I mean to say is we don't want to.

Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks

Suck it

Andy

It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?

No. I'll just have some gummy bears

These are delicious

But they're penises

And we come to Matthew

the guy who was with his old girlfriend

basically the whole time we were together

Oh, no

Eww! That seems gross at first blush, right?

But relationships are always more complicated than you think.

know Matthew's history with this other woman

Maybe she saved his life I don't know

rush to judgment about Matthew

Maybe we don't pop that one.

No. Pop it Pop it

Pop it

Hey Hey

Sorry It's kind of a mad house

Oh, Megan

You are one of the good ones, Nard Dog. Aw

No, really. Where's my Andy?

He's out there

Are you going to sing for us?

Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so

That's not like you That's not like you Come on, sing! Sing

By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes

Okay, they're almost here What?

Come on! If you guys are going to be mean

can't you at least be subtle?

Oh, in the warehouse we'd use code names

for people we wanted to talk about

Andy was "Jelly Roll.' Mike was "Dennis the Menace.

Ryan was "Douche Bag.'

Hey, that's not a code name That's just an insult

Plus, everyone would know who you meant Yeah.

No, that's a great idea. Yes, let's have a code name

How about "Mondays"? I hate Mondays. Mondays are the worst

Nobody's named Monday

Hey, how about we go with "Pam"? Simple, easy to remember

Because there's someone already here named Pam

Shh. Here she comes

Hey

Welcome to your party

Everybody, get comry now This first song's over a half-hour long.

Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals

I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible."

They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie.'

Maybe we should just go

No, I got to do this

Hey, Jessica can I talk to you?

Uh, yeah, sure what's up?

Maybe we could talk in private

Yeah, what is it?

Well, first, let me just say that

done with the sort of ugly bits

that we can stay friends

You're breaking up with me?

Uh

No. No

You always do this. You twist my words around

Part of me thinks we should just end this right now

Oh, my God Are you leaving me for Erin?

You said she wasn't relationship material, and she wasn't as good as me

But it's her, isn't it?

Whoa

That... No Okay, you want honesty?

Super honesty time I'm gay.

What?

You did not, Kenny

You invited me to go shopping with you

I like hanging out with you You're a cool guy.

Which proves my point that I'm gay.

JESSICA Andy, you're not gay

and you seemed pretty excitable.

Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time

with John Stamos

doesn't make sense

Well, I mean I was good at hiding it...

It's fine, Andy

we were going to get married or anything.

I'm just upset for now

Understandable, and I'm really sorry I really am.

So, we should probably go

This humble but sincere effort is

all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.

To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome

and friendly presence at our company

Cheers Why, thank you.

Pam, on the other hand is a most unwelcome

entitled and unfriendly presence in our company

Cheers

Nellie is terrific but to be honest

every day, I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died.

Oh, well, I feel that as someone who knows Pam

only a little bit enough, a good amount not the most, though,

she is misunderstood

and that maybe there's some stuff in her past

that you guys don't know about

that's a little messed up and probably

makes her such a torture to work with.

ALL We hate Pam! We hate Pam We hate Pam! We hate Pam

So we've established

No

...that you guys hate Pam

Do you ever wish she would just disappear?

Oh

That was a really rough scene

Right? Rough scene Yeah.

At least we can kiss now

Oh, yeah

You know, that stuff that I said about you to her, that's just...

You know, I was dating her at the time.

Yeah

Yes, of course

Ugh

Yeah

Probably from seeing that turkey

Oh, yeah

When we drove by the farm Always does that.

Are you Nellie? I think you're my volunteer.

Come on over here, huh?

No, I'll do it. I will volunteer

No, Nellie should No, I'll do it.

Oh, big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for birds

All right, let's do some card magic

Now, what I want you to do is,

I want you to pick a card just by looking at it.

Do not say what it is

It's the four of hearts

Oh, no, it's

Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh?

No hablo el cardo, senor?

All right, the card is picked Now, sir, will you please shuffle the deck?

You didn't just do that on purpose, did you?

Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?

Little known fact about me before I was a magician

at a rope factory

Not true because that's not a real place

But I never could seem to figure out those knots

That's not a real knot When you pull on it, it disappears.

What the hell?

All right Where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis?

Look, this is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here

Okay, scram, wizard What?

You heard me

Wow. Nellie I'm sorry. If I'd known

Jim and Pam would use this party

as an excuse to abuse a magician

Well, I thought it was quite fun

In fact, I think they're brilliant employees in their own way.

Don't you see what I see?

Interesting, yes. No, yes, I see that

Great work, team Great party

You think this is a great party?

This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert

How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

What? Why are we

one thing.

Oh, hello

Hey, everybody look who's here

What are you doing here?

Hi. Super duper honesty time, I'm not gay

In fact I'm so not gay that I'm in love with a girl

Her name is Erin Hannon and she is right there.

She's sweet, funny and beautiful

and total relationship material

Why the hell did you come back here?

Go away

Get lost

Get out Okay.

You're done! Get out Bye, guys. Go. Go.

You ruined my party

Who does that? Are you kidding me?

Yeah, run away Run away

KENNY You're disgusting

I can't believe you're not gay

Yeah, get out of here

Don't come back

Uh-oh.

You don't even know how to drive

Loser! Nice car

Hey, Hank Yes, ma'am.

I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician

Yes, ma'am I got my eyes open

Well, turns out he actually made it up there.

What? That ain't right

Yeah, he came and went

Wait a minute, you said it was a magician, right?

You don't think he could have used... It couldn't have been

Let's just go

Good night, Hank