Original subtitles

Oh, for god's sake

Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend

Basically you lie like a plank in weird places

That's it.

Sometimes you get run over

Welcome to the Internet

Planking is one of those things where

hey, you either get it or you don't

And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

After you my good sir

No, I insist

The search committee finally decided,

after a lot of deliberation

on Robert California for the manager position

Who took one look around and left.

He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him C.E.O

C.E.O. Her own job

He talked her out of her own job

and I don't really know how someone does that

but anyway then the position was his to fill

and he chose

It's unbelievable

True. I may have been tee second choice,

but I was the first choice's first choice.

And about Dwight,

have some resentment about not getting the job

so I sat him down and we had a talk

And I told him, "I need a really strong number two

"I want you to be my enforcer.'

Smart, right? Very smart

This has got to stop

Hey! Kevin

Yeah, at first I was really disappointed

But I've got a great daily routine going right now

I've upped my karate to eight times a week.

I've added boxing at lunches and on weekends,

I do kick-boxing three times a week, Krav Maga four times a week,

an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise,

and again at sunset.

So yeah I'm doing great

I'm going to need some help. Pam?

Oh, yeah. Pregnant

Right here. Little Michael Scott

Nope. I told you I don't like that joke

It is a boy. We found out early

Much different the second time around

And I have to say it is nice not being

the only pregnant woman in the office

Look, it's "little pregs" and "big pregs."

Wait, when did we start calling each other

Isn't it amazing the difference in our sizes?

Well, I am a few months ahead of you

I'm having a child with my husband the senator

And Pam is having a child with Jim The great salesman

Hoist him aloft

Come on, Darryl, lift Lift, Darryl

Come on, man

Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got something much better

This soda

This is mine

It might be easier if you take a deep breath lift from the knees,

and shove it up your butt

a new thing this summer

I act like I'm telling someone how to do something.

a long description and then I say...

And shove it up your butt

It's stupid, but it's my thing now

No one should be planking at all.

Thank you. Yes

Dwight my enforcer, my number two can you take care of this?

Say no more

Kids, don't try planking it's dangerous.

Especially with me around

Are you watching that commercial again?

Why do you keep watching it if you know it's just going to make you cry?

Because everything makes me cry so what's the difference?

This dog he just wants to protect his bone

He's got a bank vault That's a start.

Not enough, though

All right

The new C.E.O. works out of the conference room about half the time

but whenever he takes a break he does these weird walks around the office.

And you never know who he's going to zero in on

for these really intense small talks

You just hope it's not you.

And yet you hope it is you, too It's strange

Here we go. Hello

Robert California. Let's have a conversation

Describe your day so far

Well, I woke up and

When you recount your day, never say you woke up

It's a waste of your time

That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.

Very smart Very smart

Suddenly, I was awake and I...

Hey, Robert We have that 9:30 A.M. casual chit chat scheduled

I emailed you about it last eight to confirm. And again this morning

First item on the agenda can I get everyone

an extra long Columbus Day weekend?

Item number two, connect with the guy

Robert California, what does he think of me?

Don't know Super care.

Number three, time permitting we lost our biggest client.

Pam. Pam Past! Pam.

Jim

Can I call you right back? Thank you very much.

Okay

What is this?

The Friday before Columbus Day, thoughts?

What are your thoughts?

Just making chit-chat

Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?

What are you looking at?

It's nothing

It can't be nothing Yeah, it can't be nothing.

It's just a list of our names split into two columns

What?

Okay, just wait one second all right? I will copy it

Do you have a pen? No

No

Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it.

Dwight, can you throw me my phone?

Nice catch

If he comes out distract him.

We need a warning signal

We don't need a warning signal, Kevin

We can see him right there. - We do.

don't need a...

Warning! Warning Warning! Warning! Warning

Phyllis! Phyllis

You okay?

You okay? Yeah. Yeah.

One, two, three

Thanks, guys

Okay. Which side of the list am I on?

Left Yes

Why are you... How do you know?

Really great list of names, guys

Thank you so much Good work.

No, actually, that was in Robert's notebook.

He left it at reception and we photocopied it

Oh

Okay. I don't want any part of this.

Maybe it's the list of people he's going to fire.

Okay. It's not that, Pam

You know I was thinking it reminds me

of those lists Dwight used to make

This is if we were a on a cruise ship

and had to divide into life boats.

And this is if we were on a cruise ship

and had to divide into life rafts.

Here's something "Who would eat who in an Alive situation?'

No. That can't be it

I gotta say

it kind of seems like the left side is the side to be on

Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl no offense, Pam.

Excuse me?

Shh. Pam, come on Don't be such a right-sider.

Did you guys figure it out? We couldn't crack it

Go in there, just ask the man what it means

He'll know that we looked at his private notebook

Come on Just say you saw the list by accident

I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys

And it's starting to stack up.

It feels like a lot One thing at a time

Yeah, that's all you had to do today is ask about Columbus Day?

Yes. For god's sake Andy, yes. Come in.

What's up?

Weird thing. Totally awkward

But you left your notebook on the reception desk.

Great. Thank you

And it was open

and people saw this

and they're just kind of going nuts and, like...

What is this?

...wondering what it is

It's a photocopy from your notebook

You read my notebook? And photocopied it and distributed it?

No. They did. And they asked me to ask you about it

Please

Oh

Here's what it is it's a doodle.

What?

Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run

They draw houses, penises

funny how the houses are always colonials

and the penises are always circumcised

Don't you think?

Well, I doodle too but I'm not an artist so I draw words and lists

That is fascinating

And by the way I am so glad I asked

People were just sort of... Did you just move my name?

Might as well have been sketching a cube

Okay, Robert's in the annex everybody think quick

What do these groups have in common?

Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group.

That's not it

People in the other group

Mmm. Still wrong

Stanley, you do puzzles all day What do we got?

Well, you take the first letter from each name

assign it a number add them all up,

and shove it up your butt

Thank you, a little much needed comic relief

But we really need to figure this out, guys

It's alphabetical

No, it's not

Here's how we find out

Let's line up and compare the lines

see if we learn anything, okay?

Left-siders over here right-siders line up over here,

face each other

Match up by height and relative weight

Let's just size each other up here

And left side of the list

attack

Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop!

Will you stop?

Dwight

Don't do it

What are you doing? Stop!

Warning! Warning! Warning

I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch.

Jim, Dwight

Angela, Darryl

Kevin, Toby Phyllis, Oscar

That's great. Let's do this, guys

All right. Well, I will see you in a bit

Hey, it's nothing all right?

I'll text you when we get there

I'll let you know what's going on Okay

No. No dog video

Okay Okay.

See you, guys

Well, we should a be really excited about

our very own pizza party

Pizza party Pizza party. Pizza party.

Jim, your daughter Cecelia what does she think of the Street?

The street?

Sesame Street.

Oh. I didn't know anybody called it

She likes it a lot

She loves Elmo

Elmo, God save us the Elmo era

Right?

Sesame Street was created to reflect

the environment of the children watching it

Complete self absorption of Elmo

is brilliantly reflective of our time

Ours is a cultural ghetto Wouldn't you agree?

Yeah. She does like Elmo

Cultural ghetto? Totally agree

Completely

Apt. Apt analysis, Robert

The thing that l like about Elmo is the tickling

I don't know I was in the wrong...

I'm... I'm sorry

Just picture me back there. I was never here

Great group Pizza party.

How is this a pizza party?

Well, why don't you ask me again

when the five pizzas get here?

Yeah, well, that's just pizza

You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

Okay. Have you guys ever had margarita pizza?

What's that?

Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.

That's pizza

That's regular pizza

You know, I fee comfortable enough now to ask you this question,

what made you pick this group?

I just think you guys are winners

and I wanted to have lunch with you

Okay

Aw.

What about the other guys?

Losers? Come on. Oh, I don't know

Come on. Come on

I guess I think they're losers.

I knew it

Yes

Probably shouldn't have said that

Whoo-hoo

Ah-ha! Their interpretation of margherita pizza

Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.

A text from Jim

"This is getting very weird Will explain later."

Text from Kevin

"Suck it, losers.'

RYAN Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious,

but doesn't the fact that lama in this group

make anyone feel just a little bit better?

Oh, this crust is sharp

and sort of funny

and I could do those cute little cartoons

and everyone who came through here was like,

"Who's that receptionist? I like her."

Now I'm just a fat mom

Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, "Oh, loser."

Come here, Pam

Chins up, okay?

Bad joke

Look around this room

Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously.

Oh, god

Oh, hey, guys we had so much fun.

We had marguerite pizza

We all hung out and got to know each other better

How was your lunch?

It was excellent. Good times

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, we did. It was the best time

And you know what? Now it's over back to work, everyone

You too, Andy

I knew it.

that everyone was wrong about me.

My parents, my teachers, my friends the doctors, everyone.

Well, that was certainly an odd lunch

Is everything all right?

Yeah, I'm fine

Just take the casserole out of the

Loser

Take it out of the refrigerator, put it in the oven

It'll be fine Just leave it in for 20 minutes

Loser

When I was a salesman I could just be like,

"Not my job, not my prob I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob."

Metaphorically, of course

But now, it is my job and my prob

Hi, Robert

Can you come out here, please? It's really important.

clarify something

Some people here are under the misconception

that some people may be considered

let's say top tier

and others would be second tier.

Thank you. Great

I said winners and losers Is that what you're talking about?

Oh, that might That actually might be what I'm thinking of.

Can you clarify that?

Let me tell you some things I find productive

Positive reinforcement

negative reinforcement

Honesty

I'll tell you some things I find unproductive

Constantly worrying about where you stand

based on inscrutable social clues

and then inevitably reframing it a in a reassuring way

so that you can get to sleep at night.

No, I do not believe in that at all

If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner

If I didn't, I don't

But I just met you all

Life is long, opinions change

Winners, prove me right Losers, prove me wrong

Well, I guess that's that

No

No. No

Andy, don't go in there

I'm going in there

I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse

But you don't know these people, and I do

And if I let you work with faulty information

well then I'm not doing my job as regional manager.

So, please take this pen and change your list.

I'm not going to change my list, Andy

And I don't use ballpoint pens.

Well, then I w make a new list for you

Stanley, you may think he's a lazy grump

but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers

of anyone in this office?

And you may think he's hard to love

but did you know that he's in not one

but two long-term romantic relationships?

about the sales figures

Meredith Palmer, supplier relations

The word "no,' not even in her vocabulary

And just to show you that I'm being fair,

you had Gabe in the loser column

Good call

Pam

easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.

Jim, shut the door This is just gross.

Shh

Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant

A winner if there ever was one

Are we done?

Yes

No

The Friday before Columbus Day

we're going to take a half-day

So that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.

You want a three-and-a-half day weekend for Columbus Day?

Yes, I do

And you are aware that Columbus and his legions

committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans?

Hey, guys

so Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday

We get that every year

Well, you got it this year, too.

Good night, Andy Good night.

Bye

Good night, Andy

Good night

Night

All right, I'm going to go warm up the car

Okay Okay.

You dropped something. Jim?

Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but

I mean, that's just pretty killer, right?

I mean, maybe it's stupid

No

It's wonderful

I'm going to frame it