All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S07E03 - William Henry Harrison (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

So, gentlemen, you have evidence

that the Newport land
should be preserved.

Absolutely.

You see, I'm a
ninth-level octopriest

in the Church of
the Reasonableists.

Oh, boy.

The land is sacred
in our religion

because it's the place where all
human souls will be transmuted

when Zorp the Lizard God passes
through Jupiter's Sphincter.

- Hail Zorp.
- Hail Zorp.

I'm looking for anything
to strengthen my case

that the Newport land should become
a park and not a corporate campus.

Religious reasons,
animal conservation,

historical significance.
Anything.

So, hold onto your
straws, everybody,

because Mama's going grasping.

In 1980, there were
more than 600 million

Indiana Brown Ants
in that forest.

Today, there are
only 595 million.

At that rate, they'll all
be gone by the year 203060.

Two hundred and
three thousand and sixty?

Two hundred
thousand years from now?

Yes.

That doesn't seem
like an immediate crisis.

I've got a different
idea for that land.

An amusement park with rides and
food and sexy cartoon characters.

I call it Disneyland.

How did you get in here?

Broke a window.

Ripped By mstoll

Hey, guys. Come on in.
You guys, I am Roscoe.

I am Vice President of Cool
New Shizz here at Gryzzl.

Feel free in this meeting to break
out your vapes and just kick back.

Now, peep this.

Leslie Knope has been
meeting with people

to try to sexy up
her presentation.

So, we had this
far-out brain tornado.

Good idea.

We should get a brity to come
kick it with us small-time

and then just be like,

"Hey, chums.
Let's get tight with Gryzz."

We need a celebrity
as a minority owner.

It will strengthen Gryzzl's bid.

Is a celebrity necessary?

I prefer quality over flash.

That's why I refuse

to write my
signature in cursive.

Celebrities can help
with this kind of thing.

The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn

if it weren't for Jay Z.

And the sales
for Chick-fil-A

went through the roof once
Elton John bought them.

Exactly. Gryzzl is an
outsider here in Pawnee.

So, a local celebrity

is going to make everyone
feel more at ease with us.

And that's why we called on
you home court chillers

to frack your brainiums.

Since we're locals,

they want us to
think of ideas...

I got it from context.
Okay.

I have no interest in
consorting with celebrities.

The only celebrities I recognize are
furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett,

designer of the notorious
16-penny nail cabinet,

and Magnus, the 5x5 bull elk I
saw near my cabin two years ago.

Took a shot at the bastard,

and he stuck his antlers through
the door of my meat shed.

One day, Magnus,

I will wear you as a jacket.

Have you
thought about this?

You could be an airline pilot.

I don't like heights.

What about a submarine pilot?

I don't like depths.

I don't like anything, okay?

You're not gonna be able to find a
career for me. So, just give up.

No way, babe.
We can do this.

Let's play a game.
Okay?

You say a word, I say a word, we
see if it makes a profession.

Executive.
Trampoline.

Computer.
Trampoline.

Trampoline.

Pass.

Hey, Leslie,
I need both you and Ron

to sign this City
Point of Sale document,

since the land you're gunning
for lies within city limits.

Can we run over to Ron's
office and take care of this?

Well, I love it when you
talk Point of Sale docs.

You know it turns me on.
But no. No.

There's no way that I will be in
the same room with Ron Swanson

unless it is during a police
lineup when I am pointing him out

as the man who betrayed me.

"That's him, officer!
Ronald Swanson."

"Thank you, Leslie, that's the fifth
crime you've solved this month.

"I'm not supposed to do this, but
let me give you a badge and..."

Could you please focus?

It will take two minutes.

And all signatures
need to be notarized,

and I really don't
want to have to schedule

two different
notary appointments.

Not to eavesdrop,
But I have a crazy story.

I recently had a bit of a health scare,
just a couple weeks in the hospital.

Oh, God. This story's
terrible so far.

Anyway, I became really
motivated once I got out

to finally live
life to the fullest.

So, I fulfilled one
of my lifelong dreams,

and I became a Notary Public.

So, if I go with you,

Ron and Leslie can sign
the document separately.

Yeah. See, Ben?
It all works out.

I'll sign the documents here,

and then you can bring it to
Ron and he can sign it there,

and then you can
tell Ron to rot in hell.

How long are you two
going to go on like this?

You're acting like a little kid.

No, I'm not.

And infinity plus one year.

Andy, bring in the next person.

Perd Hapley. Crazy
Ira and the Douche.

Tom Haverford?

That's nice, but I don't know if you
can really consider me a celebrity.

Yeah. That's
your handwriting.

These are all great options,

but I think we need to go
after Pawnee's biggest fish.

Annabel Porter from Bloosh.

That horrifying
Lifestyle Newsletter

filled with vegan recipes
and pointless tchotchkes?

Forget it.
That woman is my nightmare.

Um, she's a big deal, Ron.

Bloosh has won
the Pulitzer Prize

for best top ten
listicle two years in a row.

Hi, Leslie.

Bill Haggerty from the
Pawnee Historical Society.

Oh, yes, Bill, I remember you.

I heard you were looking for
information on the Newport land,

and I have some very
exciting news for you.

It concerns
William Henry Harrison.

We claim William
Henry Harrison as a hero

because he was the first governor
of the Indiana territories

and then President
of the United States.

We're also
a little ashamed of him

because he didn't wear a
coat at his inauguration,

caught a bad cold
and died 32 days later.

He's an embarrassing footnote.

But he's our
embarrassing footnote.

I've recently self-published a
biography about Harrison entitled

Barely a President.
William Henry Harrison's

Thirty-Two Days
in the White House.

I discovered that Harrison had a
heretofore unknown hunting lodge

on the very land
you're trying to acquire.

Um, spoilers much? Now
I'll never read that book.

If a US President had
a house on that land,

it could qualify for
historic landmark status,

and we could really
stick it to Ron's team.

Which would be
icing on the cake,

not the reason why
we're doing this.

Okay. Show me this incredible lodge.
Let's go.

That book sounded so boring,
I cried a little.

Oh, babe, I'm sorry
you had to hear that.

You're safe now.

Hey, Ron.
Sorry to bother you,

but I need you to sign
this Point of Sale document.

And please sign it in cursive.

It raises a lot of red
flags if you don't. No.

Okay.

So, what's Leslie up to?

Well, I don't think
I should discuss that,

given that you're
in competition.

Need to remain neutral.

Fair enough.

Terry, what's Leslie up to?

She is trying to find
a historical reason

to earmark the land
for preservation.

Terry, come on, man.

Leslie, you little sneak.

If Leslie is going for a
hook, we should, too.

Let's get Annabel Bloosh person.

Yes. Glad to see you've
finally come around

after these two
minutes of insanity.

Now, will you please
consider investing

in that toddler cologne
I've been bugging you about?

Toddler cologne. Baby, You smell good.

Here we are.

Here we are, like, "Here's the
place where I buried the map

"that will show us the way to

"William Henry Harrison's
awesome hunting cabin?"

No. This is
all that's left.

This place is awesome.

Babe, we should sell our
dumb house and buy this one.

You know, I love
William Henry Harrison

as much, if not slightly
more than, the next guy,

but this is garbage.

I mean, literally. There's a bag
of old hamburgers over there.

What? How old?

We're running out of time,
and we need to beat Ron.

So, we're going to have to
use this old pile of bricks.

I need to gather everything I
can on William Henry Harrison.

Let's head to the Harrison
museum over in Vincennes.

I volunteer there part time.

I found an artifact!
Historical artifact!

William Henry Harrison's wig.

Andy. Put that down.

Cool.

You've got
to be kidding me.

No, I'm sorry, Ben, but there's a
page missing from the document.

So, then, the
signatures are invalid.

Can't we just say it was there?

You're asking a notary to lie.

I signed an oath, Ben.

And then a different notary
notarized the oath I signed.

William Henry Harrison
is totally ridiculous.

They can't even fill a small museum
with real stuff about his life

because he was so lame.

The If He'd Worn A Coat room

explores how great
America would have been

if Harrison had worn
a coat at his inauguration

and not died.

This room is called

Other Things That Were
Famous For One Month.

Oh, and side note, admission
to this museum costs $14.

And while you're here,
why not visit

the Other Famous
Harrisons exhibit?

Okay, guys, this is so great.

During the election
campaign of 1840,

William Henry
Harrison supporters

rolled this 10-foot
tin and paper ball

down country lanes
all across America.

And they would sing along with a jug
band, and it was just so exciting.

People would come from
miles just to see it.

Why? Was there something
inside the stupid ball?

Ooh! Like a
giant hamster?

This is what we have
to work with, okay?

We are up against a very
flashy Internet company,

and we should be aiming
for quantity over quality.

So, we're going to throw a bunch
of Harrison facts at them

and a big pile of bricks and
whatever else we can find.

Quantity, people!
Quantity!

Wow!

This is exactly what I
imagined heaven looks like.

Right down to the
unisex linen tunics.

Annabel, ma ch�rie.
Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late
for our coven.

I was polishing my oyster forks

with a cage-free
olive oil rub.

Apology accepted,

and then I have no reaction
to anything else you said.

I can't help but ask,
what's in right now?

Well, this season,
I'm intrigued by

asymmetrical overalls,
angora toothbrushes,

and locally sourced
Italian flip-flops.

Also, there's a flirty
trend in beverages.

So, you've had soy
milk and almond milk.

Now, try the hottest
new craze, beef milk.

It's like almond milk

that's been squeezed through
tiny holes in living cows.

That's milk.

- No.
- No.

Milk costs $3 a gallon.

Annabel's authentic, hand-strained
teat-to-table Beef Milk?

That costs $60 a gallon.

Yeah. And there's
a wait list.

This woman knows business.

And I would be extremely jazzed
to be part of the Gryzzl bid.

Shall we discuss it in my yurt?

Great.

Ron.

Okay, let's try this again.

All pages accounted for.

Just sign right here.

How is Leslie
doing with her quest?

Again, I don't
want to talk about

her plan with you,
nor yours with her.

I'm sure you understand.

Absolutely.

Terry, what is Leslie up to?

Getting ready for
a big press conference.

Terry, come on!

A press conference?

So, she's found something
to strengthen her bid.

Ms. Porter.
Mmm?

No need to discuss any further.

You will be the face
of the Gryzzl bid.

Smashing.

Well, this calls for a
celebratory dram of aged grappa.

So, I just sign here?

No! No! No! Ah!

Great. There you go.

Yeah, that's invalid now.

Yeah. I know.

Excuse me,
Mr. Haggerty?

I just wanted to say that I
really like your museum.

It's weird and sad
and unnecessary.

Is there, like, a museum curator
position I could apply for?

Sorry, everyone here
is a volunteer.

Though you do get a yearly stipend
of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.

Accepted only at
that vending machine.

Thanks.

That's a bummer.

But, hey, babe, listen.

Maybe you could
start your own museum.

About what?

I'm sorry, but I am not like you.
You love everything.

The only things I like are dogs,

sleeping late,
and weird birthmarks.

You can't make museums about those.
This is another dead end.

Okay. Guys, let's
keep it going. Right?

Somebody grab
the reading glasses.

Somebody grab
that walking stick.

Grab everything you can.

I'm officially dubbing
this Operation Quantity.

Oh, thank God you're still here.

I cannot believe the weird notary
hell I've been trapped in.

It's been more like heaven for me.
I mean, what a day.

What's Ron up to?
Okay, I am not...

No, you have to tell me because
you legally bound yourself

to me in marriage, sucker.

Okay, fine.
They got Annabel Porter

to be the celebrity
face of their group.

That little rat.

Okay. Two can
play this game.

Bill, Operation
Quantity needs a face.

Does William Henry Harrison have any
direct descendants in the area?

One. A distant nephew
named Zach Harrison.

This is our guy!
American royalty!

His veins pulse with the blood
of our storied forefathers!

Zach Harrison? I went to camp
with this guy.

No one would ride in the boat with
him because he had terrible BO.

Then, he went with
Janine, our counselor,

and he fell asleep
and got a boner.

Well, he's American
royalty. Okay?

And we need him for the press conference.
And we need all of this stuff.

So help me God, I will make a
mountain out of this molehill.

Leslie, I do...

Quantity, people.

Notary publics
can trace our origin

all the way back
to ancient Rome.

No way. Calvin
Coolidge was a notary.

Mmm-hmm. And so was
Calvin Coolidge's dad

and so was Calvin Coolidge's
paternal grandfather.

Uh-huh.

It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what
you need to get the perfect stamp.

This monthly... Well,
it's a notary email newsletter.

And, oh, my gosh.
Right.

Ben, it's fun.
It's just fun.

Babe, I have been thinking
a lot about what you said.

I made a list of everything
that I know you like.

Playing with our dog, staring
contests, sex with me, etc.

And then, I lost the list.

So, I had to make a new list.

I didn't have any paper,
so I wrote it on my leg.

And that's when
my leg fell asleep.

Okay, could you just
skip ahead a little?

What do all the things on
that list have in common?

They're one-on-one.

You like dealing with
people or dogs one-on-one.

See, we don't make a list of
the things that you love.

We make a list of the
reasons why you love them.

And then we find something
that fits that list.

You're the best husband ever.

Hi, Zach Harrison.

You wanted to meet with me
about a press conference?

Yes, hello, Zach.
Yes, I am Leslie.

It is an honor to have you here.

You are Indiana's last living
link to this great man.

Look, I really don't think you
should make a big deal out of this.

I just happen to be
a descendant of a guy.

You could be the descendant of
George Washington, I wouldn't know.

Do you? No, that
was just a hypothetical...

Could that be possible?

Because, you know,
I've always thought

that we shared
very similar jawlines.

Wow.

That's something to chew on.
Anyway, okay, doesn't matter.

I need this to be
very impressive.

So, head on in there and be
presidentially descended.

Just go in there. Okay?
Just walk, walk, walk there.

Quiet now. Walk in.

Zach! Camp Wamapoke. You got a boner.
We'll catch up.

What a dick.

Hey!

No!

No, no, no, no,
no, no. What?

Ron, what are you doing here?

Setting up for our
press conference,

which will take place
immediately after yours.

Are you crazy?
You can't do that.

Do you want me to bite him? No.

Ignore them.

We start in 10 minutes.

Swanson, you didn't say anything

about ambushing
Leslie's press conference.

I didn't think it was relevant.

Come on, man.
This isn't cool.

This is a competition.
We need to win it.

Please do your jobs.

Good evening.
Pawnee is a place

of culture, history,
and heritage.

And the National Parks
Service is proud to say

that we've discovered
a new chapter

in the life of local hero and
President William Henry Harrison.

A heretofore unknown hunting
lodge was recently discovered

smack dab in the middle
of the Newport land.

What great historical moments took
place within these hallowed halls?

Did Harrison plan his
presidential campaign

while sitting around the
hearth which used to be there.

Did he write letters to Thomas
Jefferson on his rolltop desk,

which, you know, I don't
know, might have existed.

The point is
William Henry Harrison

would have wanted this land
preserved as a national park.

Don't believe me?
Let's ask him.

In the form of his direct
descendant, Zachary.

Hi, I'm Zach.

Harrison.
Amazing.

Zachary, what is it like being a
descendant of William Henry Harrison?

Uh...

Harrison's a pretty common last name.
Okay, sit.

Now, travel back in
time with me to 1840,

when William Henry Harrison, "Old
Tippecanoe," runs for President.

And his campaign rolls

this giant tin and paper
ball from town to town,

while Americans
everywhere sing along.

Hit it, gang!

What has caused this
great commotion, motion, motion

Our country through

It is the ball a-rolling on

They're talking about this ball.

For Tippecanoe and Tyler, too

Tippecanoe and Tyler, too

And with him,
we'll beat Little Van

Martin Van Buren.
That's who.

Van is a used up man

And with them
we'll beat Little Van

"Wow, that was cool", said some
boring idiot from 200 years ago.

Who cares about some dumb
grandpa and his tin ball?

That's the past.
Gryzzl is the future.

The Newport land will become
the Midwest headquarters

of America's most dynamic
technology company.

Here to introduce our vision
is Annabel Porter from Bloosh,

and the sexy ladies
known in Pawnee

as the Somebody's
Daughter dancers.

Fresh.

Innovative.

Placemaking.

Disposable duvets.

Growth hacking.

Super Moon.

Gryzzl.

Now, come with me,
as we binge-watch the future.

That was sickening.

All flash, and no substance.

It was exactly as substantive
as your presentation.

No, it was not!

We had way more
quantity than you.

Please. Please.

For the love of
all that is holy,

both of you, please,
sign this form.

Not that it matters.

I'm definitely going to
wake up tomorrow morning

with the same forms
for you to sign.

Because I've died somehow

and now I'm a ghost
living in purgatory

until I complete my
unfinished business.

I'm not signing
anything he's signing.

Did you just hear what I said?

No, of course you didn't.
Because I'm a ghost.

You know what?
I can't stand you.

I can't stand
your stupid mustache

and your stupid shirt
and your stupid name.

Ron. Ron.
That's not even a word.

Well, I have had just about
enough of your stubborn behavior.

Ever since the
Morningstar incident,

you have been
completely unreasonable.

You are the unreasonable one!

You've been unreasonable
way before Morningstar!

You're the most unreasonable,
stubborn person I have ever met,

and I'm never gonna
change my mind on that,

no matter what anybody says!

You're not that
good at scrapbooking.

What?

Okay. Would you
just sign right here?

And I will need
your thumbprints.

Man, those two
really hate each other.

That feud is, like,
Biggie-Tupac level.

Maybe even Morgan
Freeman-Shailene Woodley level.

Naw. It's bad,
but it's not that bad.

This is like when
the triplets fight

except I can't just
give Leslie and Ron

stuffed animals to
make them calm down.

Actually, that might work.
Have we tried that?

Well, they've always butted
heads, but I really...

I don't think
they hate each other.

I just think they're
very different people

and they've just drifted apart

once they stopped working
in the same office.

You okay?
Yeah.

Well, I ordered 60 veggie
pizzas to Ron's office.

So, that calmed
me down a little.

I know you're furious at him.

But please,
come to a neutral site

and sit with Ron for 30 seconds

so I can get this
dumb document signed.

Ah!

I'll let you rename the triplets
Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.

Okay, fine.

But I get to sign first.

Oh, my God.

All right, let's just
get this over with.

Let me get that for you.

Got them!
What?

What's going on?
What's going on?

Let us out immediately.

No. You guys are
being ridiculous.

This has gone too far,

and you are not leaving this
office until you've made peace.

No!

Ripped By mstoll