All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E12 - Anns Decision (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

I'm gonna get 12 eggs
and part of a dead animal.

Dealer's choice.
Please and thank you.

What can I get you, Ann? I
will have oatmeal and berries.

And I will have catfish and
grits, with pumpernickel toast.

Explain.

Well, instead of getting swept up
in my boyfriends' personalities,

lam dating myself
and trying new things.

So every time
I go out to eat,

I order one thing
that's typical me

and then something
that I would never order.

Now I have two best friends,
Ann and Ann.

Each one more beautiful
than the other.

Oh, I also have been documenting all
the new things I'm trying on my blog.

Check this out.
I went skydiving.

(SCREAMING)

Which Ann is screaming like a maniac?
Oatmeal Ann or Catfish Ann?

I'm not sure, because I instantly
blacked out from extreme terror.

(SCREAMING)

LESLIE: Hey, I have
an idea for your blog.

I think you should take
yourself ice-skating.

That sounds fun.

Yeah, we'll do a double date.
You and you, and me and Ben.

But I have to warn you,
I'm very good at ice-skating.

I can do jumps. You know what?
I probably shouldn't come.

I'll embarrass
the both of you.

Actually, I know what my
next activity is gonna be.

And it's a biggie.

I want to be a mom.

I'm going to the sperm bank today.
Can you come?

Wow, today?

Ann, you know that I fully
support any woman's decision,

especially a beautiful
unicorn-nurse like yourself,

in creating the family
that she wants.

But you are so brilliant
and kind and stupid hot.

I mean, you're
definitely gonna find

a wonderful guy who loves
you and respects you

and fills your home with
multi-ethnic genius babies.

Maybe, or maybe not.

You hit the lottery with Ben, and that's
great, but not everybody's so lucky.

I've wanted to be
a mom for a long time,

I'm ready, and I think
I'd be good at it.

Ann is giving up on love and deciding
to have a baby with herself.

And she has only been dating
herself for six weeks.

If she were dating a guy for six
weeks, and they decided to have a kid,

I'd be like, "Congratulations,
Ann, and Channing Tatum."

Because that is the only scenario
that would make sense to me.

What a gorgeous
herbaceous medley.

There's been a mistake. You've accidentally
given me the food that my food eats.

Salad is traditionally the
first course at a wedding.

Is a gerbil
marrying a rabbit?

BEN: I'm in charge of
food for the wedding.

So I brought in Pawnee's three best
caterers and a panel of experts.

Chris loves vegetables.
Ron loves meat.

And Tom considers
himself a foodie,

which apparently means taking lnstagrams
of food instead of eating it.

Okay, so I liked
number one,

Chris liked number two,
and Ron liked number three.

Tom, what about you?

Caterer number one's presentation
was simple, mmm, yet exhausting.

Number two's was
subtle and provocative,

like a coy Dutch woman
guarding a dark secret.

Nothing you're
saying is helpful.

But number
three's told a story.

A story from a book I wouldn't read,
but I would watch the movie of.

BEN: That's nonsense.

You know what? I'm gonna
go with the first place.

I really loved
that appetizer.

Oh, the mini-calzone?

I wouldn't call it that. it was
more like a savory pastry.

Delicate little dough pocket filled with
tomato sauce, cheese, and seasoned meat.

Just a stunning
culinary innovation.

It was a calzone.

It was literally
just a small calzone.

Let me just get some details for your file.
Now, are you two a couple?

No. Tragically, we are both
heterosexual. (LAUGHS)

So, Ann, what are you
looking for in particular?

Some sperm.

I meant in terms of a donor.

Oh...

You know, nice guy,
nice sperm.

Flip through this binder, make a
note of anyone who interests you,

and I'll be back shortly.

Oh! This guy went to Harvard!
So did the Unabomber.

This guy seems healthy.
Loves cycling.

Yeah, so did Lance Armstrong, and he
turned out to be a lying drug user.

Or a hero. I don't know
where we stand on him now.

Hello, ladies.
Fancy meeting you here.

Whoa, Sewage Joe.

Wow, Ann, you remember
Joe Fantringham.

He is the gentleman who was fired
for emailing a picture of his penis

to every woman
in City Hall.

Guilty. Yeah, that's
what the judge said.

Joe, you are a donor here, huh?
Did you hear that, Ann?

Big time, me and all my buddies.
Free money, free porn.

Best job I ever had.

Also,

if you're looking to buy some
weed, I'm looking as well.

Shall we?
Yup.

Okay, Leslie Knope
outfit number eight.

Babe, you look
super hot.

You realize you've said
that about all of them?

Well, she has, every single time.
'Cause she is super hot.

Honestly, you'd look hot naked.

Ugh! This suit makes me want
to scold a Catholic child.

I don't know who Ann Taylor is, but
I hate her and I want to kill her.

I have to lead a public forum
for the Pawnee Commons

every day this week,
and I hate talking to people.

So, to get through it,

I figured I'm just gonna
basically try to imitate Leslie.

She still wears this.

She had the patch sewn in.
You can't remove it.

What's in the pocket, you ask?

A ticket stub from a Fleetwood
Mac concert in 1995, and...

This one is terrible, but it is
slightly less terrible than the rest.

So tomorrow, I lead a public forum
in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants.

Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants.
New band name. I call it.

Ooh, you know what?
Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

So what's
the next move?

Is there, like, a better sperm
bank in Eagleton or something?

Mmm, you don't want a demon baby.
Look, you're Ann Perkins.

Sperm that is worthy of your perfect
eggs does not grow on trees.

I think, ideally, you'd want
to know the guy, right?

You'd want to know his personality,
his favorite season of Friends,

whether or not he hates jazz...
Hopefully, he does.

You'd want
to know him.

Yes, Leslie,
you're totally right.

I'm gonna go home,
and I'm gonna make a list

of all the guys I already
know who could be donors.

And then,
I'm gonna call them

and tell them I'm doing some blog
entry on men's health or something.

I can interview them and
ask them whatever I want.

You're a genius! This is
your idea, and I love it.

I'll call you later.
No.

LESLIE: If! don't slow
this baby train down,

Ann may end up having a baby
with some random weirdo

instead of her soul mate.

I fully believe that a
woman should be in charge

of what happens
to her body.

In this case,
the body is Ann's,

and the woman in
charge of it is me.

I was up all night brainstorming and
this is the complete official list

of candidates for
Ann's baby daddy.

Wow, how did you come up
with these three names?

Well, I eliminated everyone in a
relationship and the obvious "no's",

like Knuckle-Hair Dave
from HR.

I don't mind the knuckle hair.

I just think he's a dick.
Yeah.

And I was left
with those three guys.

Don't forget, they don't know about the sperm
donor thing. I don't want them to know.

I told them I was
interviewing them for a biog.

Here comes the first one.
Dr. Harris!

Hey, there he is.
Hi.

Ann, Leslie.

Small office.
Mine's way bigger.

Is this gonna take long?
Got a patient coming in.

No, not at all.
Please have a seat.

Actually, maybe you should
check in on your patient.

I know that I hate it
when my doctor makes me wait.

Guy's got a spinal fracture.
He's not going anywhere.

Ooh. The seats in my
office are leather.

Okay.

Chris?

I'm dying.

I was dying earlier today.
And then I died.

Now I'm dead.

I had to cancel a date
with Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

And I really like her.

Do you think she'll still
like me now that I'm dead?

What is this?

It's food poisoning.
I have it too.

I did not sleep for
one second last night.

And I cracked the bottom
of the toilet bowl.

Oh, God, don't say that.

Has anybody
talked to Tom?

I can't even imagine what that tiny
little man must be feeling like.

I have voided more than Tom's body
weight in the last 12 hours alone.

He might have just
disappeared off the earth.

We need to call him.
We must reach out to him.

I can't do it.

(GRUNTS)

Ben, extension 7820.

(TOUCH-TONES BEEPING)

Hello, everyone. I'm April Ludgate
from the Parks Department.

And welcome to a public forum
about the Pawnee Commons.

As Eleanor Roosevelt
once said to Betty Ford,

"Hillary Clinton is great."

Now, if you all would kindly
look under your chairs,

you will find
a special surprise.

A flyer with details about the
project, and friendship bands

that I've made for each
and every one of you.

So now, I guess
we're park pals.

You should see the booger
under this chair.

Andy.

It's nice to see you again, Ann.
I was happy to get the call.

Yeah, Pete, you look great. Aw.

So are you still
dunking basketballs?

You know, I'm a lot more than just a
former high school basketball star.

I teach marketing over
at Pawnee Community College.

Oh, that's great.
Yeah.

Would you say you
value education?

I see what's
going on here.

You want my sperm.

What? What are you
talking about?

When will women in this town
stop scheming to get my sperm?

Wow!

That son of
a bitch is astute.

Okay, all I need to do is just
shoot one more person down

and then I can
buy some time

and convince Ann to wait for
her own Ben-level soul mate.

The last guy is
Howard Tuttleman.

I know that name.
How do I know that name?

I know it's a winter's morn, but
it feels like a summer's eve,

'cause the Douche
is in the building.

What's up, ladies?

(SIGNING)

Whoa!

Smells like some vomit took a dump in here.
What happened?

We got food poisoning, Tom.

Ugh! How do you not
have food poisoning?

Because he didn't
eat anything.

He just took pictures and
talked about the "wow" factor.

Not true. I ate everything you did.
Are you sure?

Is there anything that you didn't eat?
Oh, yeah.

I didn't eat those
stupid mini-calzones.

Haver-food rule
number six.

Never eat anything with a
sauce I have to dip myself.

Drizzle it on for me.
I'm not your maid.

The calzones betrayed me?
Never again, guys.

As God as my witness,
they're dead to me.

All right, well,
Tommy feels great.

And I'm about to go
eat some lasagna.

Peace!

(GAGS)

I'm afraid this park
will raise my taxes.

Ah, well, fear not.

Between the normal Parks budget
and our corporate partners...

I'm also afraid the park will
be noisy, and full of spiders.

And dark at nighttime.
I'm scared of a lot of stuff.

Everything's fine. I'm fine.
I'm Walter, and I'm fine.

Is this gonna be
a topless park?

I don't think there
are topless parks.

Well, let's build
the first one and be heroes.

If this is going to be a topless
park, I won't sign your petition.

If she's going to the topless park, I'm
not signing the topless park petition.

You know, I take that back, I'm still in.
What's up? I'm Harris.

Yeah, yeah. Forget whatever
that Pawnee Commons is.

I'm with that pervert.
Topless park! Topless park!

Topless park!

MEN: Topless park!

Where'd you go
to school again?

Northwestern.
I studied semiotics.

Wrote a thesis on narrative
forms in the digital world.

Then you became a morning shock jock
and created the sport "taintball"?

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. You know,
the Douche persona

is something I came
up with during college.

It started as satire,

and, you know, we snowballed
to where we are today.

I mean, I know it's a silly thing
to do, but it pays the bills.

Well, I think, you probably
need to get back to the studio,

play some fart jokes,
make fun of some immigrants...

Actually, a farting immigrant
segment would be really funny.

(GRUNTING AND
MIMICKING FARTING)

(CHUCKLES)
Good looking out, Leslie.

You guys ever want to do this again,
sans clothing, give me a shout.

Gross.
That was the Douche talking.

Honestly, good luck on this project.
It sounds really interesting.

I'm gonna scan a quick
pic of them boobies

for a little deposit
in "El banco de spanko."

That was the Douche talking.
Douche nation.

You guys know
where the library is?

Wow!

Okay, that's not gonna work.
Back to the drawing board.

No need. I choose Howard.

You want to have
a baby with the Douche?

His name's Howard
Tuttleman, Leslie.

And I know he plays that obnoxious
character on the radio,

but he's a good guy,
his family is healthy,

and he is successful
and smart.

Ann, you cannot be serious.

I am. And I've made my decision.

I am sure of it.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Douche! Hey, Douche!

Councilman Howser.
Councilwoman Knope.

'Sup, Leslie?

You wanna funk this junk in the
back of my trunk? (CHUCKLES)

That was the Douche talking.

Okay, look, Ann is not
interviewing you for her biog.

She's thinking
about having a baby,

and she's considering you
as a possible donor.

Wow!

Whoa!

You know, I've thought a
lot about having kids.

It's the next big step in this
grand adventure that we call life.

Frankly, I don't think you would
be the right man for the job.

Well, frankly, I don't think
it's for you to decide.

You know, if we had
a little girl,

I would name her Elizabeth,
after my grandmother.

She was this strong,
amazing woman.

And if we had a boy, I don't know,
I'd name him something funny,

like "Dick" or "O.J."
(LAUGHS)

Guess I have
a lot to consider.

LESLIE: My God.

I have driven Ann right into
the belly of the Douche.

Hey, what's up?
Oh, nothing.

I was listening to the
radio on my way here,

and I heard something
very interesting.

THE DOUCHE: So, Crazy Ira, remember
that chick Ann I used to...

(WOMAN MOANING)

IRA: Yeah, she was smoking hot!
(FARTING)

Tums out, she wants
to have my baby.

(WOMAN MOANING)
(BABY CRYING)

Anyway, her lesbo friend tells me she's
on the prowl for some baby beans,

and it's down to me and some
other turd-munchers. (FARTING)

Wow!

You should be angry. I can't
believe Howard did that to you.

I can't believe
you did that to me.

I am making a very important life
decision, and you betrayed me.

Because I thought you were
making a huge mistake.

Look, I get it. I know you're
frustrated with dating,

and you think you're
not gonna meet someone,

but two years ago, I didn't think I
would meet someone like Ben, and I did.

My idea of a perfect family
does not require a soul mate.

I want a baby,
that's it, accept it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Councilman Milton, do we have a meeting?
No, no, no.

I just wanted to toss
my name into the ring,

in respect to this
Indian woman's vagina.

Hey, how was the forum?

Um, crappy. We only got
four signatures.

Two of them were me and Andy, and
one of them said "Farts McCool."

I just don't know how Leslie
can be Leslie all the time.

I was her for two
hours and I want to die.

Well, you know what? We've
got another forum today.

Let's just hop
back in that saddle.

What should I do?
Should I wear a blonde wig?

Oh, my God, yes.
That would be so hot.

Andy. If you think... If you...
Do you think it would help?

I mean, if you think
it'd help you.

(sums)

CHRIS: Well, I'm feeling
so much better.

Almost no weird stuff snuck
out of my body last night.

And I feel like the emptiness of my stomach
is gonna lead to a pretty epic breakfast.

Guys, what do I do?

My choice almost killed us, and we
can't agree on another one, so...

Maybe there's a catering company in
Snerling that we should look into.

No, it has to be from Pawnee. I
just know that's what Leslie wants.

I got it.
This might sound crazy,

but Jean-Ralphio has started
a catering company.

He has?

Now, granted, he is currently standing
trial for counterfeiting euros,

but the trial's gonna be over quick.
He's definitely guilty.

Ugh! Forget it.

Dry toast and half a grapefruit
for Chris. Thank you.

Egg whites for Ben.
Thank you.

Egg whites for Tom,

and pretty much everything
we make for Ron.

And don't you
go sneaking off.

I'm sending home some
free waffles for Leslie.

Thanks, M.
Y cu' re the best.

Okay, we're back. We got an update
on "Operation Baby Douche."

(LAUGHS)

All right, special guest
is Councilwoman Leslie Knope.

How are you, Les? WOMAN ON
RECORDING: Me so horny.

That was not me. That was
a farcical sound effect.

Did she say "fartsicle"?

(LAUGHS)

The fartsicle.
Frozen farts you can eat.

Put it in your face-mouth!
(FART SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)

CHILD ON RECORDING:
It's cold and it smells.

God, how did you
make that so fast?

Anyway, look, I am here because
I want you to stop talking

about my friend's womb.

Sorry, Councilwoman.
I'm in it to win it.

The Douche is
gonna be a daddy.

And Crazy lra's gonna
be the creepy uncle.

Okay, all right.
(LAUGHS)

Look, she is a wonderful person,
and she does not deserve this.

Sol need you to lay off.

Okay, I will lay off

if you can survive one round
with Breasty Bertha in...

BOTH: The Jell-o Pit!

BILL COSBY: (ON RECORDING)
Rudy! Get in the Jell-o.

Okay, I am a city councilwoman,
so I am not gonna Jell-o wrestle.

I mean, this is fun.

Don't you want your constituents
to know that you got a fun side?

Yeah, show your fun sides.

This is not about me
and my constituents!

This is about you
talking about my friend.

All right, I will stop
talking about your friend

if you get in that
Jell-o for one second

and say, "Rudy."
BILL COSBY: Rudy.

'Cause of The Cosby Show.
Classic.

Classic.

Fine, I will stand
there for one second

and say it,
and then we're done.

Fair's fair.
Fair's fair.

BILL COSBY: Somebody
get me a Pudding Pop.

BOTH: Oh!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Rudy. There, happy?

No, say it like Bill Cosby.

(IMPERSONATING BILL COSBY)
Rudy.

I don't know.
Yeah!

Oh, she's touching
her boobs now.

No, I'm not.
I'm just standing here.

And I am leaving, just like
you're gonna leave Ann alone.

(GRUNTS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)

She's in there!
She's into it now!

BILL COSBY: Rudy has fallen
into the Jell-o.

Theo, now there's Jell-o
all over my favorite sweater.

CRAZY IRA: And the gold
medal goes to Leslie Knope!

Okay, can you give me that bag? I have
to go change into my Leslie suit.

You got it, babe.

Thanks.

Andy!
What?

This is the wrong bag.
What?

This bag is full of Fruit
Roll-Ups and baseball cards.

I don't have my
Leslie pantsuit,

or my Leslie headband,
or my Leslie notes.

I can't do this meeting
without my Leslie stuff.

Honey, I am so sorry.
Andy!

I guess I must
have screwed up.

Look, you look
amazing in this outfit.

Plus you're the smartest
person on the planet.

I think you can do this
just being yourself.

(GROANS)

Yeah, so how much money is this whole
Pawnee Commons project gonna cost me?

Uh, good question.

40% will be coming from
our corporate partners,

and another (50%...
Excuse me, ma'am.

I didn't ask
for a math lesson.

So why don't you just tell me
how much it's gonna cost me?

And don't use numbers.

Look, you won't have to pay
any extra money, okay?

And don't ever call me "ma'am" again.
Thanks. Next question.

Yeah, I wanted to talk more
about that topless park idea

that a local hero
brought up yesterday.

Yeah, there's not gonna be
a topless park, Harris.

Nobody wants your
creepy stone: eyes

staring at them while they're enjoying
a park, okay? Stop being gross.

Yeah. Shut me down!

You scare me, and I gotta
say, I kinda dig that.

What's your deal?

She's married to me.

ANN: I heard you on the radio.

Thanks for doing that.
Got dicey.

But they did invite me
to participate

in their topless Jell-o-lympics...
So that's something.

It is possible
that you were right.

This is obviously a huge decision,
and I should take my time.

I want you to be happy,
you know?

I guess I just
didn't consider

that you would take a
different path than I did.

I tried to impose my dream
on you, and that's wrong.

And I'm sorry.

But I think you do need to take a little
bit more time with this decision.

Maybe employ a more
methodical approach.

One that involves
color-coded binders.

Is that a drawing of my reproductive
system saying "Let's do this"?

The Knope way involves a lot of uterine cartoons.
What can I tell you?

Besides, what is more
cuter-us than your uterus?

(LAUGHS) You ready, Ann?
Yeah, I'm ready.

We're in it now.
Yes, we are.

Let's make
a baby together.

You should phrase that differently.
Right.

Are you sure you're
cool with JJ's Diner

catering what you've referred to as
"The Wedding of the Millennium"?

Are you kidding me?

I thought that I could not love
you any more than I already did.

But I was dead wrong.

Is that smoke?

Hmm?

Hey! What are you doing?
Celebrating.

We got 80 signatures and,
like, 30 complaints

of excessive rudeness,
but who cares?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, you should
have seen her, Leslie.

She was awesome.
So smart, so hot, so mean.

I wanted to bone her right there
in that dirty church basement.

No, what are you doing?

Uh, we are burning
this awful pantsuit.

That's mine.
I wanted that back.

Well, frankly, you should have
thought of that before we burned it.