All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E05 - Halloween Surprise (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Hey-
Hey-

Am I interrupting
something important?

Impossible. l work
for the government.

I just picked up the girls.
Thought we'd stop by.

How are the girls...

BOTH: (SCREAMING) Hi!

Yes, they are. Hello, girls.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)

RON: Diane and I have been seeing
a lot of each other, recently.

She is a sharp, confident, strong woman.
Her children are loud.

(SCREAMING)

Kung fu! (YELLS)

Here comes trouble!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)
(ANDY LAUGHS)

This is fun.

Easy, girls.

We'll be careful,
Miss Lewis.

I'm sorry. I got it.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)

We just wanted to invite you to
come trick or treating tonight.

I think I'm a little old.

Can we go, Ron, please?

ANDY: Please?
You can come, sure.

But we have to go by 7:00 or else
the good candy will be gone.

Sounds perfect.

Come on, girls.

(YELLS)
GIRLS: Bye, Ron!

See you later, Ron!

See you tonight!
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

What the hell
just happened?

So, three bedrooms, two
baths, nice big backyard.

But no trampoline
room, correct?

Correct. Like all houses in the
world, there's no trampoline room.

Mmm.

Ben is coming back from D.C. in 10 days
and we are moving into a house together.

He would move into my place, but
it's a scary nightmare hoarder nest.

His words. And Ann's.

And the official report filed
by the Health Department.

You guys need
three bedrooms?

Well, the master is for us,

and then the second
bedroom is our office,

where we will sit at
a two-person desk

and write devastating op-ed
pieces about social ills.

That's a fun room.
I know.

And what about the third?
That's the Oprah suite.

That's where Oprah stays
when she's in town.

But other guests
can stay there, right?

I don't know.
That's Oprah's call.

I'm just so excited that Ben and I are
gonna be starting our lives here.

It feels like my future's
finally back on track.

Martha, I wanna
lease this house.

Great.

Thought it was gonna be
more dramatic than that.

Hold on.

Okay, say it again.

Martha, lwanna
lease this house.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa!

Parks Department! Chris
Traeger, city manager, friend,

aspiring life coach and recipient
of Dr. Richard Nygard's award

for Most Improved Patient
for my psychotherapy sessions.

Wow, that's great, Chris.

Congrats.
Thanks, Jerry.

It's just a piece of paper,

and he only made it for me after
I specifically asked for it

while crying
loudly, but...

It sure meant
a lot to receive it.

In honor of Halloween,

the city manager's office
will be throwing

a scary movie night
in the courtyard.

Tonight's film is the 1986
horror camp classic,

Death Canoe 4:
Murder At Blood Lake.

Seriously? (LAUGHS)
That's the best one!

I hope no one minds if
I live-tweet this bitch.

I am coming dressed
as my greatest fear,

because Dr. Richard Nygard feels
that I should face my fears

instead of
running from them.

He's very wise. I see
him five times a week.

He holds my life in his hand
like a fragile little bird.

See you tonight!

BEN: Well, Congressman
Murray has an 18-point lead.

Calloway is out of money
and has stopped campaigning.

So, congratulations!

(ALL CHEERING)

Great work, all of you! Yeah.

Especially me!

Especially everyone. This
was a team effort, really.

But I was the best.
Thank you.

You were all fantastic.

Most of all me, April Ludgate, the real hero.
Thank you and you're welcome.

Actually, April, if you want, you
can head back to Pawnee early.

Wrap a few things up and...
Great.

JENNIFER:
Whoo! That's an exit.

Gone, but never forgotten.

Who was that?
I'm just kidding.

Well, everybody, great job!
Once again.

Yes! Everybody!

All of you!

Can I talk to you
for a sec?

Not bad, right? You know, I have to
say, Murray really came through...

Yeah, yeah, this one's over. We won.
Great job. Blah, blah, blah.

Let's talk about what
you're gonna do next.

Well, I was gonna get a chicken
parm and watch Blade Runner.

(SCOFFS)

Oh. Are you talking about,
like, job-wise?

Yes, Ben, lam talking
about, like, job-wise.

So you're a princess,
too, hey?

Oh. For the last four years,
everything has been princesses.

Every book, every
movie, every backpack.

All princesses
all the time.

(LAUGHS) That sounds fun.
It's a nightmare.

Excuse me, I just have
to file a quick report.

I'm applying to
the police academy soon,

and the manual says I have to work
on my observation skills so...

Tree, leaves, night,
sky, hand. Andy's hand.

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

What else you got?

7:22 p.m. I got nobody answering
the door at 143 Cedar Crest Drive.

Door's cold.
Possible scenarios.

Grand larceny.
Somebody stole the heater.

I think no one's home.

Why don't you leave the observing
to the professionals, Ron?

(OBJECT SHATTERS)

Didn't see that.

Oh, no.
Vice principal emergency.

What is it?
I have to leave.

Some idiot kids were caught
pooping on the soccer field?

Oh! Too bad. Guess trick
or treating's over.

BOTH: No, Mommy, no!
I'm sorry.

No, we can walk them around, it's no problem.
I mean, we just got started.

Oh, that's so sweet of you.

Now, ladies, Princess Mommy has
to go take care of some bad guys,

so you be nice to
Ron and Andy, okay?

Okay, let's go
to the next house.

I need to go
to the bathroom.

I have no idea
what to do about that.

DONNA: Uh-oh. (LAUGHS)

It's the death canoe.

Get your foot out the
water, dumb-ass!

It's Blood Lake.

Now, I missed the first
three Death Canoe films.

Why exactly is it
a death canoe?

Does it tip
over easily?

Read my Twitter feed.

I live-tweeted the first three
this morning in preparation.

In the fifth one, the
canoe's actually the hero.

(LAUGHS)
It's a crazy twist.

Okay. Watch this.
Watch this.

(GROANS)

"Hashtag, hilarious!"

Boo!
Holy... God!

Come on, man.

What are you supposed to be, a ghost?
Where are your holes for your eyes?

This sheet is 1,200 thread count Egyptian cotton.
I'm not poking holes in it.

So, basically, you're just going as
a pile of laundry? Sweet costume.

I usually do it up big on Halloween, but
I'm having a bit of a cash-flow issue.

It's okay though. My next big business
idea is always right around the corner.

Corner snaps.

That's not an idea.
That's just two random words.

Hey-
Hey-

You're the...
The lady and you're the...

USA!
Cool. Great.

So hold on,
what does this mean?

It means Jen wants me
to keep working for her.

There's a businessman in Florida
who wants to run for governor.

Florida? They have
sharks in Florida.

And swamps.
And swamp sharks.

Do you mean alligators?

Maybe. Look, so are
you gonna do it?

I mean, I just applied for a lease.
We were supposed to...

I know, and I know this makes
the future a little murky,

but right now everything's
really preliminary, okay?

We'll know more
in a week or so.

Trick or treat!
Trick or treat!

7:34 p.m. Man dressed as a nerd.

Female dressed
as crazy witch.

Neither of us
is in costume.

Case closed.
Candy, please.

Ron, Zoe broke my tiara!

We both have the same tiara.
Now she has one and I don't.

Okay.
I didn't mean to, Ivy!

Okay, well, let's
just even things out.

There. Now neither of you has a tiara.
Problem solved.

(BOTH CRYING)

Mean pirate makes
little girls cry.

ALL: Oh!

DONNA:
Right in his face!

"Sorry about your jaw, son."

That's disgusting. I can't watch this.
Then don't. Go inside.

Dr. Richard Nygard says that
I need to confront my fears.

And one of my fears
is scary movies.

Another one of my fears
is growing old

and paunchy, which is
why I'm dressed like this.

Look, we all get old.
Aging is a part of life.

(WHIMPERS)

Chris's therapy has
been a blessing.

Getting body-to-body contact
with him has never been easier.

Just when things start to
turn around, they fall apart.

Now I know exactly how FDR
felt after Pearl Harbor.

Look, you guys have
survived this long.

Please don't let
this ruin your night.

Let's have fun. It's Halloween.
You love Halloween.

Hey, I know what
would cheer you up.

Let's go wait outside the
bathroom for Tom and scare him.

That would cheer me up.

Okay.

Ready and...

Boo!
Boo!

(LAUGHS)
(PANTING)

(FARTING)

Jerry, God. Gross.

(FARTING)
Oh!

Jerry?

Guys, I...

Oh, God, I think he might be
having a heart attack.

What? Are you serious?

(CONTINUES FARTING) Oh! So much
stuff is happening right now.

Call 911.
Okay.

Just breathe, okay? You're gonna be fine.
(CONTINUES FARTING)

Oh, geez! Did a
dinosaur just fart?

Jerry, get a grip.
Sorry, guys.

(FARTING)
Ugh! Apology not accepted.

Stop talking, moron.

I wish I could stop smelling.
Dude.

Seriously, Jerry, did you
eat farts for lunch?

Tom! Jerry's
having a heart attack.

Oh, no, I didn't know that.
Jerry, you okay?

(PARTS)

Okay, I got you
some magazines

and those boring word
jumbles you like to do.

Is there anything else you need, J?
Maybe some Gas-X?

Ha-ha, Tom.

How is he, Ann?
Give it to me straight.

He's great. He should be out
of here in a day or two.

Is that for real, or are you just trying to
make him feel better because he's doomed?

Well, nothing's for sure. TOM:
Doctor, let me ask you a question.

Medically speaking, how would you
describe what happened to Jerry?

He had a mild
heart attack.

Yeah, but he also exhibited
excessive flatulence.

Is there a term for having a heart
attack while releasing so much gas?

Not really.

Gastrointestinal distress is
common during a cardiac event.

I just want to hear the doctor say
that Jerry had a fart attack.

Is that too much to ask?

Thank you so much.

Look at all the balloons and the
flowers and the food and...

My goodness, you're so sweet
to come visit this often.

Well, they did cause it.
Hey.

JERRY:
No. That's okay.

I'm glad this happened.

I mean, yeah, I could do without
the massive hospital bills,

but, no, this was
a wakeup call.

I'm gonna make
some changes.

I want at least another 30
years with Gayle and my girls.

Don't worry, Jerry, okay?

You are gonna have the future
that you've always planned.

Just leave it to us.

LESLIE: Okay, so I have arranged
for the Parks Department

to throw a huge garage sale
fundraiser for Jerry

to help pay for
his hospital bills.

The Pawnee municipal employee
health care plan is kind of crappy.

One time I
sprained my wrist

and our insurance claimed that having
a wrist was a pre-existing condition.

Babe, how much should
I sell this hat for?

I don't know, 8 cents?

Honey, this is
the hat I was wearing

the first time I ever heard
Vitalogy by Pearl Jam.

Oh! $900.

Yeah, that sounds
about right.

Ron, you're not
selling anything?

I am selling this table.
I made it.

So when am I gonna
meet your new lover?

I'm afraid things have hit
a rough patch with Diane.

She was not pleased with
my babysitting performance

and left me a very loud
message on my cell phone.

I'm sure she'll get over it if you
just say you're sorry, though.

I like Diane, but I'm not sure
if I'm ready for a whole family.

If the kids ever wanted
to come to my place,

I'd have to take
a whole week off work

just to undo the
alarms and tripwires.

Hey, that's my name.

Yeah, that's my
Chris Traeger box.

All these boxes
represent stuff

from different
eras of ex-boyfriends.

Oh.

Here are those ankle weights I
bought you that you liked so much.

Oh, we had some
good walks in these.

If these ankle weights
could talk...

They'd say,
"Buy me for a dollar."

(BOTH LAUGH)
Ann Perkins.

Recently, Leslie pointed out that
sometimes when I date someone,

I kind of adopt that
person's personality.

The evidence is
fairly damning.

Chris Traeger,
exercise phase.

Andy Dwyer,
my grunge phase.

Tom Haverford, my
needless shopping phase.

Also my credit
card debt phase.

Ann Perkins.

LESLIE: Thank you so much for coming.
Good afternoon.

As many of you know,
Jerry Gergich, our friend,

has suffered a devastating fart
attack, and we are here to help.

So there are some special auction
items I will be dealing with.

The first item up for bid
is an inscribed autobiography

from Pawnee
newscaster Perd Hapley.

The book's entitled The Thing
About Me Is I'm Perd Hapley.

Anyway, let's start
the bidding at $20. $20.

Thank you sir, for $20.
Do I see $30?

JENNIFER: Oh! Look at this view!
KUTZWILDER: Thank you.

Mr. Kurtzwilder, it might
be helpful if you told us

why you want to be
governor of Florida.

Well, I guess you could say mine is
the classic Florida success story.

Okay.
I went to SFU law school,

I was working at
a small firm in Orlando,

and one day, bam, just like
that, gator eats penis.

Excuse me? Well, that was
my first high profile case.

It was a classic
Florida divorce.

Guy cheats on his wife
with Dan Marina's masseuse.

One day she
cuts his junk off,

throws it
in the Everglades.

Why not?
Damn alligator ate it.

And that case,
that case made my career.

What a country.
What a state.

Florida, a little strange.

You know, here, here everyone
has a chance to succeed.

And now, all I want to do
is give something back.

I want to help all of those
people who are lucky enough

to have a penis-eating
alligator fall in their lap.

It's quite an image.

Frankly, your path
to victory is narrow.

Governor Scott
might be vulnerable,

but you have very little
name recognition.

Aren't you supposed
to be puffing me up?

I'm considering paying you a lot of
money to get me to the State House.

We're being honest, Mr. Kurtzwilder.
It's not going to be easy.

But the Barkley Group
is the best at what we do.

We're not in the business
of losing elections.

We can get you
where you wanna go.

I'm just saying, you should
have put "spoiler alert"

on all those
Death Canoe tweets.

Also, "not safe for work."

You know, a lot of what you
wrote was really profane.

That movie's
25 years old, Morris.

And if you don't like how
I tweet, don't follow me.

What are you doing now?
I'm talking to you.

I'm live-tweeting
this dumb-ass conversation.

You like that coat?
Yeah.

But $200? It's used.

I paid $150 for it,
then added the scorpion.

You can't sell clothes at a tag
sale for more than they're worth.

Umm, watch me.

(KNOCKS)

Got a minute?
Sure.

I didn't expect to see you after
the yelling that occurred.

Yeah, I was a bit stressed, but
I'm not here to make excuses.

I just wanted to say that I am
sorry for the way I reacted.

Apology accepted.

Do you wanna say
anything to me?

Oh! Yes.

You look nice today.

You broke my
daughter's tiara.

You ruined their Halloween. Don't you
feel a little bit bad about that?

Okay...
Um...

Too late.

Goodbye.

(CLEARS THROAT) Dude, you're
totally blowing this.

I'm not gonna apologize.

It wasn't even a real
tiara, for God's sake.

Well, relationship over.
Too bad.

Oh, my God,
you are so sad.

I am not.

Ron, she's right. I've trained
extensively in the art of observation.

You are sad,
and we know why.

You didn't
sell your table.

And it's probably a little
too expensive. Shh.

APRIL: No.

LESLIE: Okay, this is
our final auction item.

It's a one-of-a-kind autograph
from Mayor Gunderson's dog, Rufus.

Yeah, we need some big bids...
(PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me one second.

Can you... Just... Okay.

Hey, how was the meeting?

Kurtzwilder wants me to run
his campaign from Florida.

I'm not exactly sure when
the job would even start,

but it would probably mean
putting our plans on hold.

Well, I mean, you know, obviously
you gotta take it, right?

No, I mean, I'm not
making any decisions

until we talk about this
and everything it would mean.

Look, I'm flying
back to Washington.

I'll call you when
I get there. Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Love ya.
Love you, too.

Okay, come on, $60?
MANI $60!

$55,anybody?

Oh. Hey, we're up to $60.
Not bad, right?

Yes, Ann, bad.

You might not care about
Jerry's future, but I do.

Okay? We need to do something
very drastic so he can be happy,

so we can all be happy.

Hmmm, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Don't know what
you're thinking,

but I'm definitely not
thinking what you're thinking.

Good idea, Ann. Okay, we
have a new item up for bid.

A wonderful surprise item.

An evening with
sexy nurse Ann Perkins.

No.
Yes.

Look at her, folks.

One evening with the most
beautiful woman in the world.

Just dinner and dancing,
nothing sexual.

Unless she's into that,
but no, she's not.

Nothing fresh.
Don't even try it.

But you never know, right?
No!

No, she's not into it. Don't try
anything, but, you know, give it a shot.

Either way, it's for a good cause.
Let's raise some money.

Please, we need to do this
for Jerry and his future.

This could be great,
you know?

Three out of four
married couples have

met each other at
spontaneous auctions.

I don't think that's true.

Well, I don't know, I...

MAN: $100.

All right, what the hell.

Okay, we have a $100
bid for Ann Perkins.

$200.
$200. Thank you so much.

$200 for the smartest, most
accomplished woman I know.

And check out that bod.
Can I get 3? $300.

$500.

Uh-oh!

$600.
$700.

$750.
$900.

Wow, $900 from the man with
the tank top and the tattoos.

That's so great. Let's
beat that, shall we?

Who wants to beat it?
Anybody beat it, please?

I'm sorry, I'm out.

I wouldn't sell her to that guy, though.
Just one man's opinion.

Okay. Sir, what would you do
with your $900 date?

How would you, uh... What
are you gonna do to her?

I don't know.

My cousin's got a kickass
mud pit in his yard.

She could watch
me do belly-flops,

then maybe we could
get some Thai food

and a tank of nitrous
and see what happens.

Oh. That's not as bad as
I thought it would be.

I am going to bid
a million dollars on myself.

Going once,
going never, sold.

(LAUGHS)

One boom box, two sweaters
down, $30 richer.

$30 for Jerry Gergich.

Oh! We got to
give it to Jerry.

300 bucks. What!

Forget Jerry.

I'm gonna buy the complete
Smallville box set

and live-tweet
that whole bitch.

How'd you do? Terrible. I
didn't sell one thing.

These monsters wouldn't
recognize fine apparel

if Tom Ford slapped them
across the face with it.

TOM: What up, playboy?

You like that jacket?

It's a pretty dope cut, right?
Yeah.

Can I have it, Mom?

I could wear it
to homecoming.

300 bucks for something
you're just gonna

grow out of in
a month? Forget it.

Wait, I can
rent it to you.

Really?

Yeah, it's part of
a business I run.

High-end clothes rentals for teens,
tweens and everything in betweens.

That jacket is
20 bucks a week.

Done.

This is a great idea.

He grows so fast I never
wanna buy him anything nice.

What's the name
of your business?

Rent A Swag.

How'd you do?

I sold 12 bucks of Andy,
40 bucks of Tom

and I nearly avoided getting
bought by a tattooed weirdo.

That would have been
an amazing box.

I'll buy the Chris Traeger box.

Oh, you don't
have to do that.

No, no. It's for a good cause and,
somehow, reclaiming my own identity.

I think Dr. Richard Nygard
would approve.

I'll ask him. I'm on my way
to my evening session.

I see him twice a day now.

Great. Thank you.

I did buy a date with myself

so I might as well
take me out to dinner. Right?

You know,
it's none of my business,

but maybe dating yourself
might not be such a bad idea.

No more of these boxes.

Start an Ann Perkins box.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but your
future has been canceled.

We only raised $1,200.

Leslie, thank you.

That is amazing.
No, it stinks.

It's not even close
to what you need.

With all your bills, and the
inevitable follow-up problems,

and the lifetime of chronic
misery that awaits you.

I'll be fine.
No you won't, Jerry.

Because everything is up in the air now.
There's no security.

I mean, you had this whole plan for
your retirement and your beach house

and now (SIGHS) your future
is just a huge pile of crap.

Leslie, you can't
actually plan your future.

You know, there's no
guarantees in this world.

As long as the people I love
are a part of my life,

I will be just fine.

Hey, you wanna
stick around?

Watch some of my
stories with me?

Tonight's
strawberry Jell-O night!

Oh, my God, your life is so depressing.
No, thank you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Never seen anyone more
tortured over good news.

I'm sorry, I don't
mean to seem ungrateful.

I just... You know,
I have a lot to consider.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Feelings
and girlfriend and whatever.

The point is just
yesterday you said to me,

"I'm never happier than
when I'm managing a campaign."

I don't think I said that.

You didn't have to.

I watched you in Florida.

You were saying
it with your heart.

Wow, you are
really good at this.

Yes, I am.
I'm amazing.

But more importantly,
so are you.

There aren't a lot of people
that can manage a campaign.

But, you, Ben Wyatt,
are one of them.

So, just take tonight and
just think about your future.

(DOORBELL DINGS)

Hello, Diane.

I have brought
you flowers.

Also chocolates.

And some grout cleaner.

I noticed you needed grout
cleaner, so I brought that, too.

Very romantic.

My kids are
non-negotiable, Ron.

It's a package deal.

I know. I'm sorry, Diane.
I really am.

I've been alone most
of my life by choice,

and kids...

This is all new for me.

But I'd like to
become familiar with it

if you give me a chance
to prove myself.

I did bring
the girls something.

I thought I could
teach them to saw.

I now realize
that seems dangerous.

Well, my boyfriend might not
be moving back for awhile

so I have to back out.

Just wanted to look
at it one more time.

You know I can't give
you your deposit back.

I know.

And there's a $300... All right, Martha.
(LAUGHS) I get n.

Actually, is there a way
I could put down, like a...

Hey-
Hey-

I didn't know you
were coming back here.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God,
what are you doing?

I'm thinking
about my future.

I am deeply, ridiculously
in love with you

and above everything
else, I just...

I wanna be
with you forever.

So, Leslie Knope,

will...
Wait. Wait.

Okay?
Okay,

Just... I need to remember this.
Sure.

Give me a second.
Okay.

Leslie... No, no,
no, no, hold on.

Just... I need
another second, please.

I need to remember every
little thing about how perfect

my life is right now
at this exact moment.

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)
Are you good?

Yeah. I'm good.

Leslie Knope,

will you...
Yes!

Marry me?
Oh, yeah.

Okay. Great.
(LAUGHS)

ALL: Trick or treat!

It's November 8th.

Yes, well, these girls didn't get a
chance to go trick or treating so...

Sorry, I'm in
the middle of dinner.

My friend, somewhere in this
house, there is some candy.

Why don't you find it
and put it in the pillowcases

these adorable girls are holding
and we'll get out of your hair.

All right,
hold on one second.

You having fun, ladies?

Yeah!

All right, I got
some calcium chews

and a roll of
cookie dough.

Okay, what do
you say, girls?

Thank you!
Thank you!

Tremendous.

Appreciate it.