All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E11 - The Comeback Kid (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Oh, goodie.
You're all here.

Now, I know I'm not
supposed to talk

about my campaign
in the office,

but last night
I made a decision

about who should be
my campaign manager.

This is a huge job.

This is going to require
a lot of late-night

one-on-one
jam sessions with me,

and we're going to bounce
ideas off of each other.

You're going to have to take calls
from me anytime, day or night.

The person I have
chosen is...

Drum roll, please.

- Ann Perkins!
- Yep.

Oi! Give it up for Ann.

Good choice.

Leslie, I don't know
the first thing

about running
a political campaign.

Ann, you beautiful
tropical fish.

You're smart as a whip and
you're cool under pressure.

You've resuscitated a human
heart in your bare hands.

No, I haven't.
You haven't?

No.
You will.

You're that good
of a nurse.

What about Ben?

I mean, he ran
for mayor at 18 and won.

Ben is poison
to my campaign.

Our relationship is the reason
why my advisors pulled out.

Ann.

Don't listen to your
head or your heart.

Just look at my eyes
and say yes.

Okay, yes. Yes. I
believe in you, Ann.

Thank you.

And your first job
as my campaign manager

is to start
dressing like one.

I don't want to have
this conversation again.

Again? You just hired me
eight seconds ago.

Wow, you're doing
a really bad job.

William. Elizabeth.

Leslie. Hi.
Hi.

What are you...
Are you coming to see me?

Did you hear that I'm
re-launching my campaign?

Actually, no. Sorry.
We weren't here to see you.

We have been
meeting with

other potential candidates
for City Council.

Oh, really?

So my campaign ends
and, just like that,

you find someone else
and run theirs?

Yes, that's our job.

I know. Good luck.

But I just had a big meeting
with my new advisory board,

and they're brilliant
and amazing.

They're real killers.

Leslie?

I tried to make ramen in the
coffee pot and I broke everything.

Thank you, Andy.
I'll be right in.

Well, good luck, Leslie.

Honestly.

Well, we don't need luck.

We are a rocket ship.

We are re-launching, and we're
going to blast past your...

Oh, they're gone.

It's true. I no longer
have highly-trained

professional
campaign managers.

So what?

Are most murders committed by
highly-trained, professional assassins?

No. They're committed
by friends and co-workers.

That analogy was
way better in my head.

- Hi.
- Champion?

- Champion?
- Champion?

Oh, my gosh. There you are, puppy.
That's a good boy.

That is a three-legged dog.

His name is Champion, because
he's the Dog World Champion.

Okay, I have to ask this.

I'm sorry, but how many legs did
that dog have when you found him?

Three. That's what
makes him the best.

He can do more with three legs
than most dogs can do with four.

Except for digging. He's
really bad at digging.

And we remembered
what you said

about making decisions
on the house.

You want to be involved.

We get that. So you
just say the word

and Champion goes
back to the pound

where he can be put down
and killed forever.

I'm not going to send a
three-legged dog to his death.

Yes.

But I'm also not going to
take care of him for you.

Well, it would be nice
if you helped a little.

Because, unlike you,
Andy and I have jobs.

Cruel, but fair.

So Leslie and I have
come up with the theme

for the campaign
re-launch rally.

"The Comeback Kid."

Everyone loves
a good comeback story...

Robert Downey J r.
Rocky.

The Terminator. He said,
"I'll be back," and he was.

Also making a comeback,
the casual Hawaiian shirt.

Well, well, well. Look
who's ahead of the curve.

I was joking. You should soak
that in bleach and burn it.

Okay. So the rally
is going to be held

tomorrow at
the Pawnee Sports Building.

April, you finalized
the rental, right?

Shut up, Ann.
I told you never to talk to me.

That was Champion.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Bad dog. Yes, everything's
fine with the rental.

Ron, you're
constructing the stage?

Yes, ma'am.

Leslie wanted to hire a
contractor to build a stage.

I don't want to paint
with a broad brush here,

but every single contractor
in the world

is a miserable,
incompetent thief.

"Then seal the edges by
crimping them with a fork."

Crap.

Ben!
What's up, Chris?

Come on in, man.
I already did.

So how have you been? How you doing?
How are you?

Great, actually. I'm just
learning how to make...

Calzones.

Or as you Americans
like to say, calzones.

You want one?

No. I find calzone
fatty and unnecessary.

So you've hit a bit of a rough patch.
And I care about you.

So I just want to make sure
that you're doing okay.

Chris, honestly,
I'm great.

I'm just exploring whatever fun
activity pops into my brain.

Look. Check this out.

I'm teaching myself how
to do claymation videos.

Isn't this just so cool?

It is so cool.

Ben is massively depressed.

And he needs my help.

You look like a real
campaign manager.

Oh, thanks.

That's because I
googled campaign manager

and noticed that they wear
a lot of dark colors.

See? There's more things
to look at on the Internet

besides naked guys, Ann.

What?

I need a team update,
Campaign Manager.

Okay. Pistol Pete Disellio
will be here in five minutes.

I still can't believe
that you got him.

Ann got local hero Pistol Pete
Disellio to endorse me at the rally.

In 1992, Pistol Pete's last-second
dunk against Eagleton High

clinched a comeback victory

for the Pawnee Central
Drunken Savages.

Team mascot later changed.

Akash, buddy, of course
I came to you first.

You're the best
carpet man in Pawnee.

But here's my question.

Do your carpets
match your drapes?

How do you make any event
classy on a budget?

A red carpet.

My entire apartment
is red carpet.

On top of that,
leading into my bedroom?

A second red carpet.

Oh, what's this
in my shoe?

Red carpet insole.

Everywhere I go, I'm
walking on red carpet.

Is there even enough
room for everyone?

Here. Sit on my lap.

No, that's humiliating. Can't
I at least sit on Andy's lap?

No, that's Champion's spot.
He called it.

Tom, we're already late. Now, be a
man and sit on that girl's lap.

Yes, sir.

Hi. Pete Disellio.

We can call you
Pistol, right?

I prefer Pete.
Oh. Okay, got it.

I'm Leslie Knope.
Hi.

We overlapped a year
at Pawnee Central.

You probably remember my voice
from the morning announcements.

This is my campaign manager,
Ann Perkins.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice to meet you. Come on in.
Oh, thanks.

I'm excited to be here.

Yeah, we're excited
to have you.

Ann is killing it. My
campaign team is unstoppable.

This rally is
going to be awesome.

Oh, my God.
I'm feeling it.

I'm going to break-dance.

Hey.

Leslie?
Coming.

Thank God.

Yeah. Champion is away better
kisser than you are, babe.

Uh-uh.
Yes, he is.

He's even a better kisser than me Here.
Try some.

Oh.
Okay. Stop it.

He's drooling on me.

Oh!

This is unsafe.

Oh, we should do it for the kids.
Kids love it, Ron.

Wait, just for the kids.

Hi, kids!

Hey!

Oh, look. The police
even love it.

They're sirening back to us.

Wonderful.
That's awesome.

I'm just going to tell him that we heard him.
Heard you, bud.

And then you come out and you
dunk the ball and you say,

"Voting for Leslie Knope
is a slam dunk."

You can still dunk, right?

Oh, I can.

But I won't.

Sorry?

Look. Everywhere I go,
everybody always wants me to

talk about that dunk
and that game.

It feels like
I'm living in the past.

But the past is great.

The jitterbug,
stagecoaches,

Herman Munster.

Look. Leslie,
I read up on you.

You've done great stuff
for our parks system,

and I will happily
endorse you.

As Peter Disellio, Regional
Distributor for Derwin Ham Loafs.

But if this is about who I was
or what I did when I was 17,

I'm out of here.

Let's not talk
about dunking anymore.

Let's talk about what
you want to do. Okay.

I think you
want to dunk.

I'm not going
to dunk the ball.

What about a lay-up?

Officer, I've been operating heavy
machinery since I was eight years old.

Now, I respect you and your service
to this town and your country.

But what laws are
we breaking exactly?

Well, you've got four
people in the front seat.

Nobody is wearing
a seat belt.

You were speeding and blasting your
horn through the hospital zone.

The rear of
the vehicle is open

and debris has
been falling out.

And you don't have a commercial
license to drive a truck.

Okay.

Well, we have a philosophical
difference on what constitutes a law.

I need to see your hands.

And could you step out
of the vehicle, please?

Hi.

I just wanted you to know
we're about to be arrested.

Oh, my God, April. That's horrible.
Where are you?

"My mother's butt." Really?
That's really helpful.

Let me talk to her.

April, this is City Council
candidate, Leslie Knope.

Do not make any trouble.
Sit tight. I am on my way.

Whoa, you just
hung up on her?

She had already hung up on me. Okay.
I'm going to go down there

and get them out, because
men in uniform love me.

You have to get Pistol
Pete to make that shot.

Okay. But if I don't,
it's no big deal, right?

You'll just make
your speech?

He's our surprise headliner.

The whole town loves him.
I'm polling at 1%.

He must dunk, Ann.

Do whatever it takes.

Yeah, anything short
of sexual favors.

What?
I do not...

I repeat, I do not want you to
tempt him with sexual favors.

I wasn't going to.
Good. I wouldn't, either.

That's where
I draw the line.

Although, I am a little offended
that you wouldn't do that.

Go.
Right.

So, Ben, why calzone?

Glad you asked, Chris.

You know, there's
fast food hamburgers.

There's fast food Mexican.
There's fast food Chinese.

Blah, blah, blah.
Have you ever wondered

why there isn't a fast food
option for Italian food?

What about pizza?

Pizza?
Never heard of it.

That's what people will
be saying in 20 years.

Because pizza is
old news, Chris.

Pizza is your
grandfather's calzone.

I never thought
of it that way.

What I'm talking
about is a portable,

delicious meal that
is its own container.

It's a whole new spin on
Italian fast-casual dining.

Amazing.

And you of all people
will like this.

I'm going to use
low-fat ingredients.

Game changer.

And I will call my new
Italian fast-casual eatery,

"The Low-Cal
Calzone Zone."

That idea is literally the greatest
idea I have ever heard in my life.

That idea is terrible.

Len, you're killing me.

They broke about
50 laws, Knope.

And that girl, she tried to get
that gimp dog to bite me.

Look, I could sit here and
fill out all the paperwork,

but you and I both know that
you'd rather go home to Deborah,

have a nice home-cooked meal,
and do what comes naturally.

That's not appropriate.

You know that I'm going
to pay all the fines.

I'm in the middle
of a campaign rally.

And this is my team.

I need them. Please.

Fine. But unless one of you
has a commercial license,

you can't take that truck.

It would just mean
so much to us.

I mean, you're a living legend.

They still air that game every
Friday night on cable access.

Yeah, well,
being a living legend

is sort of
a double-edged sword.

Everybody in this town
still calls me Pistol.

Tell me more
about that, Peter.

I mean, yes, that dunk,
it made me famous.

But sometimes...

Sometimes, life dunks you.

Hey, man, you want to go for a jog?

Just sort of kick out the cobwebs,
get some endorphins going?

Oh, no, thanks, Chris.

I'm kind of tearing this claymation
video a new one right now.

You know, Ben, I really think you
need to take a step back here.

I think getting some
perspective would be good.

What are you
talking about?

I have known you
a long time.

And right now
you need help.

With my claymaish?

With your life.

You are wildly,
insanely depressed.

Depressed? I'm the furthest
thing from depressed.

I mean, look at what
I've accomplished.

Do you see him?

Do you think a depressed
person could make this?

No.

That's all
we can fit in here.

No problem. This is going to be fine.
We're all going to be fine.

Because the team
is still together,

and there's nothing
the team can't do.

Wait, I think Champion
has to go to the bathroom.

He shall do it
in the car.

Answer your phone, Ann.

But that's what life is like in a
strict Roman Catholic household.

Of course, my
father, he was more stick than carrot,

when it came to
matters of discipline.

I'm sorry. But the Ben
Wyatt that I know?

I just don't think he'd be happy
sitting here, faffing around.

I'm not faffing around. I've
sunk myself into my hobbies.

Here. I'll show you
my claymation project.

Okay? Now, I've been
working pretty hard on this,

and I think
it's really good.

So just hang
onto your hat, okay?

Okay.

Here it goes.

Oh, how great.

Did you pause it?

No. Hang on.

Oh, my God.

That's the whole thing.

That's three weeks of work.

You're going to be okay.

No. No, no, no.
I'm not.

You see, in my head, I thought
that was really, really cool.

In fact, I...

I e-mailed Leslie two days ago and
I compared it to Avatar, Chris.

And how can it
not be longer?

Okay, look.

What you're feeling right
now is regret and shame.

But we are going
to get through this.

Okay. No word from Ann.

April, I need a status report.
How's it looking out there?

Perfect.
But just one thing.

It's not a basketball court anymore.
It's an ice skating rink.

Wait. What? Why?
What happened?

The stupid guy I called to
book this place didn't tell me

they took off the basketball
floor for a hockey game.

Or maybe he did tell me,

but he was so stupid and boring
that I wasn't listening.

And, either way,
it was his fault,

because he was stupid and I hated him.

Ron, how's the stage coming?

Well, since we had to jettison
the bulk of the wood,

this is the biggest
I could make it.

Oh, my God.

Good Lord. What happened
to the rest of my face?

We had to Jetsons most of the poster, too.
But I kind of like it.

Because windows are
the eyes to the house.

Wow.

Okay. I've got Pistol Pete.

Good. Where is he?

Right now, he's curled up
in the back seat of my car,

talking about his father,
who was a piece of work.

I actually think he did the best
he could for a single father,

but I may be too close
to the situation.

Anyway, the important news
is that he's here.

Good. Is he going
to dunk for me?

I'm not sure. I couldn't
hear through all the crying.

He's crying?
No, I was crying.

It's been a stressful day, and
he's had a really rough life.

Oh, my God. We should
cancel it, right?

Maybe we should cancel?
Yeah.

Jerry, you were in charge
of getting the crowd.

Please tell me that you pulled
a Jerry and no one's here.

Okay, well, first of all, I don't
like it when you guys use that term.

And, for the record,
I came through.

There are almost
a hundred people out there.

Oh, damn it, Jerry. You just had
to do your job, didn't you?

Yeah, can't you do
anything wrong, Jerry?

I've been looking at
our utter and complete

lack of experience
as a positive thing.

But I'm starting to think it
might actually be a problem.

Okay, guys.
Everybody, listen up.

I just wanted
to say thank you.

You've all
volunteered your time.

And no matter what, I am
eternally grateful for it.

Now, I am going to
go out there

and I am going to
announce the re-launch,

and I'm going to muddle through
this thing as best I can.

You should all leave,
and when this thing is over,

I'll meet you at
the nearest bar.

That would be Hurley's.

Oh, it's karaoke tonight.
Yes.

No. No. No, guys. No.
We're not leaving. Okay?

We're the reason Leslie is in this mess.
It's our mess.

We're going to stay here and we're
going to go out there as a team.

Or...

We go as a team
to Hurley's.

No. Ann's right.
We're a team.

We're all
going out together.

Let's give
this crowd a show.

Go...

Go, team!

Tom?

I couldn't afford enough premium
carpet to get us to the stage.

I mean, it was a short walk, but
it was pretty luxurious, right?

Okay.

Everybody, smile and wave. Smile and wave.

Stop leaning
on my arm, Andy.

Oh!

Babe!

- I'm holding the dog.
- Are you okay?

He is peeing.
He is now peeing.

Now, I'm putting him down.

No, Ron!
He only has three legs!

No, no, no. Okay.

I'm scared.

Ron? Ron? There's no stairs.
How do I get onto the stage?

Oh!

Okay.

Mmm!

Here you go.

Drink up. Because it has
every herb in my herb belt.

Ugh!

It tastes like a belt.

I know. Isn't it awful?
But it works wonderfully.

So tell me.

Do you admit that
you're depressed?

How did you know?
I didn't even know.

The Letters to Cleo T-shirt, the
unshaven face, the Doc Martens...

And your hair does not have
that normal uptight, rigid,

inflexible Ben Wyatt
sense of fun.

You can't hide these
things from your friends.

I think I'm feeling better.

Herbal smoothie,
you have done it again.

As a loyal Pawneean, I've
always been proud of this town.

And I... Um

Sorry, my cards got out of
order here when they fell.

Together, we can defeat

obese children.

I'm sure that was something
positive, originally.

I'm sorry.
Okay. This is...

This is just a disaster, isn't it?
This is the one...

This is the worst
political event ever in history.

Well, I can assure you
people in the bleachers

that if you follow my campaign,
it will be interesting.

It sure will be.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Pistol Pete.

And around here I'm a Pawnee legend.

I just wanted to say that I
fully endorse Leslie Knope.

She's got a great
team behind her.

And a vote for her

is a slam dunk.

Thanks, Pistol Pete. Wow.

We're so happy
to have you.

Hey. There he goes.

Come on, Pete.

Oh!

Okay. Stay still.
Stay down.

Pistol Pete, everybody.

Still got it.

Hey.

Hey. How was the rally?

Oh, we nailed it.
No, we didn't.

Ben, my campaign manager
and I have made a decision.

We have decided to fire
the campaign manager. Me.

And hire you.

But we've talked
about this.

I don't care if you're
poison to my campaign.

This team has a lot of
heart and zero know-how.

You're the only one
that can save us.

Please be my
campaign manager.

You know, Leslie, Ben's really
been going through something.

And he's on a journey,

so I don't think he's going
to be taking the first job...

I'll do it. I'm in.

I've done enough exploring.
I'm good.

Okay, great.

Ann, you're fired.
Oh, thank God.

Oh! Don't make out.
It's making Champion sad.

Surprise.

We felt really bad about the
whole "dredging up your past

"just to be
publicly humiliated" thing.

So cookies.

And balloons.

Thanks, guys.
That... That's nice.

Look, we feel so bad.

Is there anything else
we can do?

You can let me
take you to dinner.

Yes, Ann. Yes,
you should do that.

Oh, I can't, though.
Because I'm married.

You're not married.
She's not married.

This is uncomfortable.