All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E06 - End of the World (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Miss Leslie Knope,
I present to you Herb Scaifer.

Again, Andy,
you don't need to bow.

As you wish, ma'am.

Okay, Herb,
what can I do you for?

Well, please
prepare yourself.

I have terrible news.
You do?

The world is going to
end tomorrow at dawn.

Oh, nuts.
You're sure it's tomorrow?

Afraid so. Right at dawn.

The entire planet...

-"gone!

Not giving me much notice, Herb.
Let me see what I can do.

Okay.

For a while in the 1970s, our
town was run by a freaky cult.

Every few years,
the remaining members

predict the world
is going to end,

and they have an all-night
vigil in the park.

It's super annoying.

Turns out, when you think
the world is ending,

you don't aim so carefully
in the Porta-Potties.

Tonight, the followers
of Reasonableism

will be joining together
to await the return of Zorp.

The giant lizard god
who will destroy the earth

with his cleansing
fire of judgment.

Also, light
refreshments will be served.

Oh! Last year, they had pizza.
Are they gonna have pizza again?

It says they've
got turkey sandwiches

and the nectar of
a thousand sorrows.

Oh, that is so good!
It's root beer and red wine.

I went to one meeting.

Wait.

I'm gonna miss you,
enormous chair.

You really sat in this thing?
Yeah!

I loved it.
Felt like a tiny king.

T-cups!

We did it, baby.

We built a company
from the ground up.

And then we ran it
back into the ground.

Well, the important thing to remember
is it was a massive success.

Remy Martin?

Well, Entertainment
720 is dead.

It's up in company heaven

along with pets.com,
Blockbuster and Ask Jeeves.

My company's no better than a
company where you ask a fake butler

to Google things for you.

Hello!

So, it looks like we each end
up with about $5,000 apiece.

Stop. We
get five G's each? That's amazing.

You started out
with $450,000.

Hey, you remember
when DJ Bluntz made

us our own
personal entrance beats?

Remember the opening night
party when you danced so hard

with Tessa, the receptionist,
that you broke one of your ribs?

It never healed properly.

Every breath is agonizing.

Stop.

So what's next,
Tommy Davidson?

I say we invest our 10 large,

and then I accidentally
get run over by a city bus,

and we start our
own hip hop label.

Listen, we could
play it safe.

But that's not what
E 720 was all about.

No, it was not.

We have this place for
one more night, right?

We're outtie
tomorrow at noon.

What if we took every dime we
had left, threw one last party?

Made it the essence of everything
we wanted the company to be.

A party for
the end of the world.

You had me at "every
dime we have left."

Because I'm in like Lara Flynn
Boyle from The Practice.

Diddly, diddly, diddly,
diddly, diddly, diddly, swag.

Why does the cult call
themselves The Reasonableists?

Well, they figure if
people criticize them,

it'll seem like they're attacking
something very reasonable.

That's weirdly brilliant.

Look, there's
nothing to worry about.

They've said that the world
is gonna end 15 times,

and the only bad thing that's ever
happened on any of those dates

is Lance Armstrong
dumping Sheryl Crow.

That was a tragic day.
LIVESTRONG. Mmm.

At any rate, I think Ben and I
should accompany you tonight.

Oh, I don't think
we have to do that.

No, no, no. I insist. These
people live on planet Nutbrain.

I live on planet Nut Bran.

Bran and nuts are very helpful
for your colon.

Well, looks like we're kind of
forced to hang out with each other.

Yeah. Listen,
I mean, I'll come for a bit.

But if it's okay with you,
I'm not going to stay.

It's just, you know,
still kind of weird, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally get it.
Definitely get it.

Ben and I don't
hang out much these days.

Big deal. Lots of
people don't hang out.

Jerry and April.
Obama and Madonna, probably.

We're in good company.

What should we do tonight?
I don't know.

I just figure we'll just order some pizza.
You watch me play Xbox.

And then I can watch you
make some prank phone calls.

We get hammered, make out.

We do that every night.

That's because repetition
is the key to a good marriage.

Let's do something weird. Come on.
It could be the last night on Earth.

We could do something
off my bucket list.

You have a bucket list?

Catch the winning touchdown
at the Super Bowl.

Make the most amazing
grilled cheese sandwich ever.

Win the lottery. Ride a unicycle.
Invent something.

Fly first class on a plane.

When people are
walking by, be like this...

Go skydiving. Outrun a hippo.

I'd like to
remake the movie Kazaam

with Shaquille O'Neal
where he plays a genie,

and I'd like to get it right.

Teach my son to
throw the perfect spiral.

Have a son.

All right, well, this is
what we're doing tonight.

Wait, which one?

We could change my cell phone plan.
That would be fun.

No. This one.

$800, $900, $1,000.

And how much is left
in the bank account?

$18.04.

Whoa! Still a lot left over.

Okay, you wanted to hold
$1,000 cash in your hands.

That's super disappointing.

$998, $999, $1,000.

Yes! Now, this is
what I imagined.

Have you ever seen this much
cash in your entire life?

I just handed it to you.

Nickels.

I want nickels. A billion nickels!
No. Andy.

Hey, Herb.
Yeah.

Sorry to bother you
Yeah, sure.

Leslie said you still need to
pay for the permit. It's $28.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here's a check. You can cash that.
Tomorrow.

Evening,
gentlemen, ladies.

Oh, hey, Ron.
Hail Zorp.

How are you?
I'm great.

It is a beautiful night
for the end of the world.

Congratulations to all of you
for reaching the finish line.

The Zorpies
are ridiculous.

But like the Founding Fathers, I believe
in absolute freedom of religion.

Also their ceremonies require
the playing of flutes.

I happen to make
flutes in my wood shop.

Flutes are $80 apiece,
and recorders are $150.

Hey, they're beautiful.

Would you take a check?

Sure.

Welcome to E 720's
End of the World Celebration.

The entire
party is a VIP area.

There's also
a double VIP area.

A triple VIP area.

And a Centurion
Club Elite VIP area.

Sponsored by SoBe Lifewater.

No one is allowed in there.
Not even us. Mmm-mmm.

We have not one, but six open bars.
And best of all,

Snake Juice ice luge.

Chill it, T!

Juice is so chilled!

Craps!
Roulette.

Arr, matey!

A pirate ship bouncy castle.
With bubbles.

Shrimp wall.

And special V.l.P.
shrimp distributor,

Indiana Pacers center,
Roy Hibbert.

This is all
you want me to do?

Pass out shrimp to
people at the party?

Yes. And stop
asking questions.

Got a head?
Maybe you want a free fedora.

Wanna make out?
Go to our make-out room.

And before you leave,
don't forget your gift bag.

Jean-Ralphio, are there any animals
on the guest list tonight?

Let me check, T.T.
Oh, just one.

Bengal tiger.
Bengal tiger.

We also hired 10 huge, scary
bouncers with ear pieces.

What up, Keith?
Mmm.

He actually once tossed me
out of a club three years ago.

Water under the bridge.

D.J. Bluntz is
mixing up some new beats.

Only 200 people will be
admitted to retain exclusivity.

Ballers and baller-ettes,
fasten your seatbelts.

The perfect party begins...

Now.
Now.

Oh, thank God.

No one shows up to
a good party on time.

If anyone had
actually shown up right now,

the whole party
would have been ruined.

Would have been a disaster. I
don't want to go to that party.

Does the city consider them
a threat to public safety?

Not at all,
Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

It's been over 30 years since
there's been any incident

involving the Reasonableists.

So I shouldn't
interpret anything

from the fact that
there are two people

from the City Manager's
office here?

Well, nothing except that I
had nothing better to do,

which probably says more
about me than them.

Thanks.
Thanks.

Headline idea.

It's the End of the World as They
Know It, but Pawnee Feels Fine.

It's a little long.
Okay.

Zorp Shmorp.
Doomsday Prediction Falls Flat

as Citizens Spend
Pleasant Evening

Enjoying One of
Pawnee's Finest Parks.

Somehow longer. Right. Okay,
let's go with the first one.

Great. Hey, also, he's cute.
Is he single? Do you know?

Chris? No, he's actually
dating Jerry's daughter.

I'm sorry. I meant Ben.
What's his story?

Who?
Ben.

I---

I don't know. I'm not sure.

He's a man, and he's a
worker, and he is...

We've never
discussed sex, so...

We've always just
been very business-like,

so your guess is as good
nay, better than mine.

The end. By Leslie Knope.

Okay. Cool. Thanks.

Happy to help.

What's happening?

The world is ending.

Oh, boy. I know how this goes
I know how Shauna operates.

She smiles, and then they fall in
love, and then they get married,

and then she changes her name
to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt.

Or he's going to be
really progressive

and change his name
to Ben Wyatt Malwae-Tweep.

God, I am so annoyed that he
would hypothetically do that.

Okay. Leslie,
they're just talking.

What do you mean, just talking?
He's smiling.

And she's being very charming.
Is she more charming than me?

Ann, if you say yes, I will
kick you, I swear to God!

You're
definitely more charming.

But I'm here to remind you that
the reason you're not dating him

is because you decided
to run for City Council.

So just because I can't go out
with him, someone else can?

Oh, boy. Okay.
Wow!

I'm sure this is nothing.

Okay, well, that was definitely something.
Oh, my God.

I know that move. They're going
to have sex in five minutes.

I've gotta stop this.

I've gotta keep them away from each
other for the rest of their lives.

How are you going to do that?
Unclear.

Oh, yeah! 10 bucks.

That counts as winning the lottery.

Okay, now, is this
the most amazing

grilled cheese
sandwich ever made?

It's pretty awesome.

Honey, my bucket list
doesn't say,

"Make a pretty awesome
grilled cheese sandwich."

We gotta go back to the store. We're
gonna get a different kind of cheese.

No, no, no, no, no.
Dude, seriously.

This is the most amazing grilled
cheese sandwich ever made, okay?

Okay. What's next?

Hey, there you are.
You two are still talking?

Ben hasn't bored
you to death by now?

Hey.
He's so boring.

Actually, we were
having a really great talk.

Keep your pants on.
What?

I mean,
keep your pants on, girl.

I mean, those are really nice pants.
I really like your pants.

Where did you get them? Do you
want to go buy some more pants

or walk away from here?

I actually I think I have
everything I need here.

But I might head over to
that End of the World party.

That's where all the losers are going.
Yeah, what is that?

Tom emailed me.
I could check that out.

Or... Well, then you
should stay here, then.

Because you can't go. I mean, what if
you're not here when Zorp shows up?

Boy, would your face be red.

When Zorp shows up, your faces will
be melted off and used as fuel.

You want to be here for that I
think I'll take my chances.

Leslie, thanks as always.

Wow, what an unbelievably
unpleasant person.

Melissa, get in there with your bad self.
All right.

You ready?
I'm ready.

Anything you grab is
yours to keep. Hit it.

Yes.

The perfect party,
it's an elusive idea.

People have to be
completely entertained

from the moment they walk in
until the moment they leave.

It's a grand experiment,
and I am a party scientist.

Welcome to my laboratory.

So, you were living here when
"Reasonableism" first swept in?

I was. Lou Presotovich, their founder,
was an office supply salesman.

One day,
he had an interesting idea.

Maybe he could write a book to help
people organize their offices.

Organize It.

Yeah. The book
was a big success.

Then, Lou had another
interesting thought.

Maybe there was a
twenty-eight foot tall lizard

with a volcano for a mouth
who controlled the universe.

That is interesting.

So he wrote a second book.

Organize It Two:
Engage with Zorp.

You know,
could I have a look at that?

Well, sure you can, Chris.
You can keep it.

I'd skip the first couple
of chapters, if I were you.

Between you and me, it doesn't
really get good till Zorp shows up.

Zorp is the lizard.

What religion am I?

Well, I'm a practicing
none of your business.

Okay. I'm ready.

Good.
Wait!

I'm not ready. Super scared.

Andy, you said you wanted
to be an action star.

This is your chance.

Okay.

Okay. You, Natalie,
follow the action.

Whatever.
What do I have to do?

Just hold up this
butter knife to my throat

and pretend like
you're holding me hostage.

Ready?

I don't know.
This seems a little crazy.

Just crazy enough to work.

Whoa!

Oh, my face! My face is fine.
Mikhail Petrov.

Forget it, Macklin. You're too late.
I'm sorry, guys. I...

Jerry.
I need my cheaters.

I cannot see...
Hey, I need...

You're doing really good.

Really?
Yeah.

Help me, Agent Macklin.
Help me.

He's stolen my jewels.

And now,
he's going to ravish my body.

And he stinks!
He really stinks!

Okay. Janet Snakehole belongs
to Mother Russia now.

Oh, that's what you think. No!

I hope you like pain.

Pow!

Say the line.

Looks like this Siberian husky
is going to be Russian...

off to jail.

Hey, you know what? Can I go?
Gayle is making a roast.

Ugh.

That was Symphony
for the Righteous

Destruction of
Humanity in E Minor

by the late Lou Presotovich.

Reminder. These flutes are
available for purchase.

You can't take it
with you, people.

Herb, I just speed-read
both of your books.

And full disclosure,
I think they're bonkersville.

But I did notice that you're
interested in reincarnation.

Tell me about that. Well,
it makes sense, doesn't it?

From the universe we emerge,
and to the universe we return.

And there are infinite forms we
can take in infinite universes.

What a lovely thought.

Well, this morning at dawn,
you will take a new form.

That of a fleshless,
chattering skeleton

when Zorp the Surveyor
arrives and burns

your flesh off with
his volcano mouth.

That was very strange,
what you just said.

I don't like it as much
as that other thing you said.

Hey. Hey. Where are you going?
Where are you headed off to?

Do you want to play a fun game with
me that I made up called ChessRisk?

It's half-chess, half-Risk,
and it takes 15 hours to play.

Okay, yeah,
I think I'm going to go.

I... Okay.
All right?

Oh, my God!
What?

I forgot I have a thing
I need to show you. Oh.

I need to bring
you there right now.

It's so amazing.
It's going to freak you out.

It's something
that we need to get

in my car and go to.
So let's do that.

Okay.
Come on.

Leslie, where are you going?
I'm going to the thing

that I told you about with Ben.
No spoilers, Ann.

She's been there before.
Let's go. BEN: Okay.

What's up? What's up? Are you
guys having a good time tonight?

Yeah!

I think we've got to take
things to the next level.

Drumline, hit it.

Here we go! Here we go!

We've already been
down this street.

Just out of curiosity,
where is

your favorite place to go?
Like, ever.

Well, I don't know.
Tom's party sounded kind of fun.

Here we are.
We're at the special place.

Well, here we are.

What do you think?

Are you going to murder me and
bury me at this gas station?

No, this is
a great gas station.

This gas station was
owned by Mick Jagger.

Uh-huh.

I came across some
financial records

when I was doing
research for my book,

and this gas station was owned
by an M. Jagger.

Which, at first, I thought was a woman.
Maybe Meg or something.

But I think the most
likely explanation is

that legendary
Rolling Stones front man

Mick Jagger owned this
gas station from 1951 to 1958.

When he was eight.
Yeah.

And I just knew you were a big
fan of financial records,

so you're welcome.

I know what
you're doing, Leslie.

I am showing you a part
of rock and roll history.

You know,
you can't do this.

You know, we broke up.

And I kind of feel like we
shouldn't hang out together,

just the two of us.

Because every time we do, it
just makes it harder. You know?

Okay.

Okay.

This one will get me arrested

and this other one's impossible
because we need Eddie Vedder

and a time machine.

I think we've done everything on the
list that we can actually do, so...

Really? Yeah. I mean...
l think that's it.

What about this?

Oh, my God.
That would be awesome.

That's impossible.
No, it isn't.

We have $1,000 in
our bank account,

and we're young and irresponsible.

I mean,
our car would break down.

There's no way we
could even get there.

So I'll steal my dad's car.

Look, this is a stupid idea, but
right at this exact second,

we have enough
momentum to do something

stupid before we
realize how stupid it is.

You are absolutely right.

No thinking. Just stupid.
Yes.

Buddhists feel
that human beings are

unlikely to be
reincarnated as human beings.

So the problem
with reincarnation

is that you could be
reborn as a pretzel

or a socket wrench.

Ron, if you could be reincarnated,
what would you like to be?

Socket wrench sounds
pretty good, actually.

I think the danger
in believing in reincarnation

is that you spend so much time
trying to figure out

what you're gonna be
in the next lifetime,

that you forget to enjoy
the one you're in now.

Ann Perkins,
that was beautiful.

Let's go to that
party that Tom's having.

Have some fun in this life.

Sounds good.

Wait. I wanna
change my answer.

I'd go with bolt cutters.

Maybe you'll be
reincarnated as a good dancer.

Ann Perkins,
you "zinged" me!

I love that.

Tommy, this is the best party
I've ever been to.

I'm not just saying that.

For real, T.T.
Think about it, man.

Drumlines, personalized
gift bags, tigers.

It's pretty great,
but it's not perfect.

I mean,
David Beckham didn't show up.

You knew
that was a long shot.

Honestly, this is perfect.

I guess.

Tom. Hey. Lucy, what
are you doing here?

Jean-Ralphio
called me and told me

that this was
a very special occasion,

and I should come down.

It's nice to see you.

Yeah, good to see you, too.

You want to go dance?

Yeah, yeah. Give me a minute.

Okay.

I can't believe you
called her for me.

That's really nice of you, man.
For real. Thanks.

No, no, no. Thank you.
I mean, for everything.

I actually forgot they ever dated.
I was trying to hit that.

Dawn is nigh.
Zorp the Surveyor approaches,

and all earthly
debts will be repaid

to the original source
of life in the universe.

Last call for donuts.

What would you do if the
world was really gonna end?

I'd go home,
drink some whiskey.

Then I'd go see my ex-wives.

Really?

Yeah.

I wanna watch them meet their
fiery end with my own eyes.

What would you do?

Can I speak with you
about a personal matter?

Normally, no.

But given
there's only 20 minutes

until the end of
human existence,

also no.

I lost my mind tonight.

I tried to screw up even the potential
of Ben dating someone else.

Did you not hear me
when I said no?

We broke up because of me.

But I have to tell you, Ron.

If the world was
ending tomorrow,

I'd want to be with him.

Well, that's significant.

The problem is, Leslie, the
world is not ending tomorrow.

The sun's going to
rise right over there.

It will be a regular Friday,

and you'll be in the exact same
position you were in before.

I know.

I made my decision.
I need to stick to it.

It's just the thought of him with
someone else is making me miserable.

If it makes you feel
any better, Leslie,

we'll all be
dead in 20 minutes.

That does make me feel better.
Thank you, Herb.

Guy's got ears
like a fruit bat.

- We did it!
- Yay!

This car is nice. How long do
you think it will take us?

The map says 30 hours,
but I drive really fast.

30 hours?

Oh, crap. I didn't
bring any music. No.

Does your dad have anything good?
Ew...

Starlight Express: The Original
Cast Recording, Act One.

Who Moved My Cheese?
Book on tape.

Next.

Bobby McFerrin?
No!

We cannot listen to Bobby
McFerrin for 60 hours of driving.

We'll murder each other.

I tell you what.
You play whatever you want.

I'm just going to
take a real quick snooze

for, like,
12 hours so I'm fresh.

Thank you guys so
much for coming out.

If you're too drunk to drive, please
take one of our shuttles home.

Our valet service will drop
your car off later today.

If you're one of our
designated drivers,

please take a thank you bag and enjoy
the giant bows I put on your car.

Hey-
Hey-

It was great seeing you.
You, too.

Are you sticking
around for a bit or...

No, I'm heading to
Bloomington right now. Ah.

Grad school is fun, but I
do miss this town. Yeah.

What's wrong?

I don't know. After this is
done, I'm going to be broke,

and I'm not
going to have a job.

Well, if it's
any consolation, this was

honestly the best
party I've ever been to.

It was pretty great.

I was really aiming
for something that...

I'll see you around.

Ooh! Wow!

You saw that.

You saw that, too.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep
thinks you're cute. What?

That's why I took you to Mick
Jagger's abandoned gas station.

Because she thinks you're
cute, and I was afraid

you guys were going to
make out and have babies.

And I had no right to do that
to you or your future children.

And it wasn't until
just now that I realized

the romantic part of
our relationship is over.

So I'm sorry.

And why don't you tell Shauna
to make herself decent,

and I'll
apologize to her as well?

Oh, well,
Shauna is not here.

Oh.

See what I did?
I do.

I'm very sneaky.

Okay. Okay. Well.

It's so much more beautiful than
I could have ever even imagined.

Yeah.

I'm trying to find
a way to be annoyed by it,

but I'm coming up empty.

Thank you so much
I never would

have ever done
this without you.

Thank you.

Where's all the faces?

Like the presidents.

Frankly,
Leslie, I'm shocked.

All the scholarly work that I
did on these texts indicated

that the world would end.

Gosh, I'm as disappointed
as you are, Herb.

Yeah, but when
the world did not end,

I went home and began
to re-evaluate the texts.

You don't say?

And I realized that I had
made some crucial errors.

Well, math is hard.

The actual end of the world
is six months from now.

Great!
Yeah!

May 19th.

Okay, let's see
what we've got.

Um, oh, on the 19th,
we can't give you the park.

We have a Spring Spectacular
free ice cream giveaway.

Oh! Look here.

I misspoke.
Yeah, it's May 20.

That is free. Okay.
Ah.

Thanks.
End of world. May 20th.

That's great!

Oh, and could you put aside 10
tickets to that ice cream thing?

Already did.