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1
00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,208
Ladies
and gentlemen,
2
00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,083
please give a big
welcome to Funny Cow.
3
00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:10,291
Thank you, thank you very
much and good evening.
4
00:01:10,416 --> 00:01:13,333
Can I just say how
very, very nice
5
00:01:13,458 --> 00:01:15,083
it is to be here this evening.
6
00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:16,791
It is, it's very nice,
7
00:01:16,916 --> 00:01:18,208
but then again,
I'm from Rotherham,
8
00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:19,833
so it's nice to be anywhere.
9
00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:23,750
You see, in Rotherham, we're
not twinned with anywhere,
10
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,833
we're not, it's
unfortunate, that,
11
00:01:25,958 --> 00:01:28,041
but we do have a suicide
pact with Doncaster.
12
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,208
Now talking of suicide,
13
00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,333
this bloke right, he
goes into a library
14
00:01:35,458 --> 00:01:37,083
and he's having a
mooch about, you know,
15
00:01:37,208 --> 00:01:39,041
he's looking at the shelves and
the librarian, she sees him.
16
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,791
So she goes over, she says,
"Excuse me, sir, can I help ya?"
17
00:01:41,916 --> 00:01:44,333
He said, "I'm looking for
some books on suicide,
18
00:01:44,458 --> 00:01:45,875
"but I can't seem to find any."
19
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:46,958
She says, "Yeah, that's
'cause the buggers
20
00:01:47,083 --> 00:01:48,041
"never bring them back."
21
00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:54,208
Look at me hands,
they're not right.
22
00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:59,333
Well this one is, this
other one's left. [chuckles]
23
00:02:00,791 --> 00:02:03,250
But they're not like
yours, they're different.
24
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,500
They've got no work in 'em
25
00:02:07,625 --> 00:02:10,000
and that's tired me out.
26
00:02:10,125 --> 00:02:10,916
You see,
27
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:15,041
I don't know whether
to hit you with 'em
28
00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:17,083
or stroke you with 'em.
29
00:02:18,916 --> 00:02:21,416
My dad were the same with his,
30
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,916
although he didn't go
in for stroking much,
31
00:02:24,041 --> 00:02:27,875
I don't think he knew
he wanted to. [chuckles]
32
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,958
I had a funny
relationship with me dad.
33
00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:34,125
He was a hard man, very hard.
34
00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:35,833
I remember one day, there
was this kid in our street
35
00:02:35,958 --> 00:02:38,333
and he says, "I bet my
dad can beat up your dad."
36
00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,291
And I thought,
"Fuckin' hell, when?"
37
00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:45,458
Things changed when me dad died.
38
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:49,000
What do you mean, aw?
39
00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:53,250
Me mom, she took it bad,
she turned to drink.
40
00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:54,500
She went out on the game.
41
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:01,291
One night she come home with
one pound and two pence.
42
00:03:02,875 --> 00:03:05,500
I said, "Bloody hell mom,
who's give you two pence?"
43
00:03:05,625 --> 00:03:06,791
She said, "They all have."
44
00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:13,416
I was about eight or
nine, I was at school
45
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:16,875
and you know when you have
to do one of them talks?
46
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,333
You know, what you're
gonna be when you grow up.
47
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:23,625
And it were Yvonne Wilson and
she said, "I shall be a clown
48
00:03:23,750 --> 00:03:25,791
"because I was silly."
49
00:03:25,916 --> 00:03:28,375
And Mr. Harrison,
he were the teacher,
50
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:29,333
he agreed.
51
00:03:31,041 --> 00:03:33,833
And I thought,
"That's what I'll do.
52
00:03:33,958 --> 00:03:36,875
"It'll be my job
to make 'em laugh."
53
00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:43,333
♪ She's a funny cow
54
00:03:43,458 --> 00:03:46,541
♪ Always acts the clown
55
00:03:46,666 --> 00:03:50,000
♪ To all those faces
in dark places ♪
56
00:03:50,125 --> 00:03:53,750
♪ So many rain, gray towns
57
00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:56,625
♪ Any second now
58
00:03:56,750 --> 00:04:00,000
♪ She'll bring down the house
59
00:04:00,125 --> 00:04:05,083
♪ She's a funny cow
60
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:11,375
♪ She's a funny cow,
see her take a bow ♪
61
00:04:13,958 --> 00:04:18,958
♪ The stages that she graces
are so much bigger now ♪
62
00:04:20,625 --> 00:04:25,375
♪ And by any means how,
she'll bring down this house ♪
63
00:04:27,375 --> 00:04:31,000
♪ She's a funny cow
64
00:04:31,125 --> 00:04:31,916
Thank you.
65
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,000
Is it you?
66
00:04:37,125 --> 00:04:38,500
Are you famous?
67
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:40,833
-♪ There it goes again
68
00:04:40,958 --> 00:04:43,625
♪ Something better's coming
69
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:47,375
♪ And it's just
around the bend ♪
70
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:52,458
♪ She will not forget her
roots or where it all began ♪
71
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:59,333
♪ One click of those ruby
slippers and she's home again ♪
72
00:05:03,708 --> 00:05:06,000
♪ She's a funny cow
73
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,458
How many houses have you got?
74
00:05:10,583 --> 00:05:12,083
Eh? what are you on about?
75
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:13,500
One, one house.
76
00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:15,125
She says you've got seven.
77
00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:17,041
No we haven't, we've got
one house, not seven.
78
00:05:17,166 --> 00:05:18,625
She got five bikes?
79
00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:21,541
No, she hasn't got a
bike, she borrows mine.
80
00:05:21,666 --> 00:05:24,208
She's a lying bastard, your
sister's a lying bastard.
81
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:27,541
You think I've got to come
down from here, don't ya?
82
00:05:27,666 --> 00:05:29,875
You think I've got to
come down, well I'm not.
83
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,125
Lying bastard, big head.
84
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:34,458
Lying bastard, big head.
85
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:45,833
-All right?
-Yeah.
86
00:05:45,958 --> 00:05:46,791
Going down good hill?
87
00:05:46,916 --> 00:05:48,541
-Yeah.
-Go on.
88
00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:57,583
Where are you going?
89
00:05:57,708 --> 00:05:59,708
I'm talking to you.
90
00:05:59,833 --> 00:06:02,125
Think you're something,
don't ya, something special.
91
00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:04,833
Well you're not, you're
a piece of shit is all.
92
00:06:04,958 --> 00:06:07,000
Come on, big head, come on.
93
00:06:08,291 --> 00:06:10,208
She's covered in shit.
94
00:06:10,333 --> 00:06:11,958
Look shit ass,
you shit yourself.
95
00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,291
You dirty cow.
96
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,125
I am, I'm a dirty cow, me.
97
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,416
Eh, she's picked it
up, she's picked it up.
98
00:06:17,541 --> 00:06:19,916
Yeah, you can call
me dog shit Dora.
99
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,250
Where have you been?
100
00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:41,166
Where's me mom?
101
00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:44,291
Where's me mom?
102
00:06:44,416 --> 00:06:47,291
She's out there with her
stupid fucking mates,
103
00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:50,625
while I'm in here
with no dinner.
104
00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:51,958
Make me a tea.
105
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,500
What you doing?
106
00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:04,000
I said make me a cup of tea.
107
00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:05,625
Get your own tea.
108
00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:07,416
What'd you say?
109
00:07:07,541 --> 00:07:08,541
You heard.
110
00:07:09,666 --> 00:07:14,666
Make me a fucking
cup of tea now.
111
00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:17,541
Get your own cup of fucking tea.
112
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,083
You cheeky little
fucking, come here!
113
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,041
Who do you think you're
fucking talking to?
114
00:07:25,166 --> 00:07:27,416
Shut your fucking mouth!
115
00:07:27,541 --> 00:07:31,541
And don't answer me back,
you little fucking cow!
116
00:07:31,666 --> 00:07:34,625
-Get up, get up!
117
00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:35,791
Get fucking up!
118
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:39,875
Are you angry, dad?
119
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,458
You seem angry again.
120
00:07:42,583 --> 00:07:43,791
Get out.
121
00:07:43,916 --> 00:07:47,541
Get out.
122
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:53,416
-Fucking flee!
123
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:12,583
Yippee.
124
00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:15,833
Page 116.
125
00:08:17,041 --> 00:08:20,166
The day thou gave
us, Lord, has ended.
126
00:08:27,666 --> 00:08:29,666
Oh, it's bloody cold in here.
127
00:08:29,791 --> 00:08:32,125
I won't be but a minute, mom.
128
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:39,500
Bye you miserable bastard!
129
00:08:43,083 --> 00:08:45,458
♪ What you say while you're
running away from me ♪
130
00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:48,583
♪ It's not like
I'd ever hurt you ♪
131
00:08:48,708 --> 00:08:51,208
♪ My bad intentions
were ever mentioned ♪
132
00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:54,708
♪ I don't know, but
I heard you presume ♪
133
00:08:54,833 --> 00:08:56,708
♪ Won't you stay now
that's out of the way ♪
134
00:08:56,833 --> 00:09:00,666
♪ And we can do what
we really want to ♪
135
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,208
♪ Well don't just stand
Jack, take my hand now ♪
136
00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:06,583
♪ We can dance the
night through ♪
137
00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:09,500
♪ Well twist it twist it
twist it twist it right now ♪
138
00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:12,541
♪ And you will find your feet
139
00:09:12,666 --> 00:09:15,541
♪ And rock and roll is
sweet, shake it out ♪
140
00:09:15,666 --> 00:09:18,708
♪ Then you can shake on me
141
00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,625
♪ Well twist it twist it
twist it twist it right now ♪
142
00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:24,125
♪ Before it's time to go
143
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:25,083
[Bob] Darling.
144
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:26,041
Hello.
145
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,333
My name is Bob.
146
00:09:27,458 --> 00:09:28,125
Want a drink?
147
00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:29,041
No.
148
00:09:31,041 --> 00:09:31,833
Get off!
149
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,666
I thought so.
150
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,125
It'll grow on ya.
151
00:09:47,125 --> 00:09:52,000
Oh watch out.
152
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,041
I have something to tell ya.
153
00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:10,916
I'm back on the game,
that'll be two quid.
154
00:10:11,041 --> 00:10:14,833
Oh aye? I've got something
to tell you an' all.
155
00:10:14,958 --> 00:10:16,250
I've gone back taxiing.
156
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:18,583
It'll be three quid
back into town.
157
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:28,291
♪ You're not a kid anymore,
you're not a kid anymore ♪
158
00:10:29,916 --> 00:10:34,708
♪ When people ask of me,
what would you like to be ♪
159
00:10:36,916 --> 00:10:40,083
♪ Now that you're
not a kid anymore ♪
160
00:10:40,208 --> 00:10:43,583
♪ You're not a kid anymore
161
00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:48,750
♪ I know just what to
say, I answer right away ♪
162
00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:55,291
♪ There's just one thing
I've been wishing for ♪
163
00:10:56,541 --> 00:10:58,041
-♪ I wanna be
-Oh fucking hell.
164
00:10:58,166 --> 00:11:00,666
♪ Bobby's girl, I
wanna be Bobby's girl ♪
165
00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:02,666
Oh, it's nice.
166
00:11:02,791 --> 00:11:04,166
Oh, it's a double.
167
00:11:05,416 --> 00:11:08,750
Oh, I love it.
168
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:11,750
Oh, fucking hell.
169
00:11:13,625 --> 00:11:14,666
What do you reckon?
170
00:11:14,791 --> 00:11:16,541
It's fucking great.
171
00:11:16,666 --> 00:11:18,750
It's our house, where we live?
172
00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:20,916
Geez, make a right racket.
173
00:11:21,041 --> 00:11:22,333
Quiet at night though.
174
00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:24,583
Oh, won't though, will it?
175
00:11:26,041 --> 00:11:28,833
[Bob] Give over, I've
gotta get back to work.
176
00:11:28,958 --> 00:11:31,458
I'm gonna stay
here, make it nice.
177
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:34,500
All right, I'll
see you in a bit.
178
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,083
Here, this'll make for us tea.
179
00:11:40,208 --> 00:11:41,791
Housekeeping?
180
00:11:41,916 --> 00:11:42,750
Housekeeping money?
181
00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:44,666
It is, yeah.
182
00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:33,791
There's some chips.
183
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:54,625
Oh, fucking say something then.
184
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,291
Sit down.
185
00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:03,916
Sit down.
186
00:14:06,125 --> 00:14:08,000
Brought chips in.
187
00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:09,083
I don't want any.
188
00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:11,000
Why is that then?
189
00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:13,583
Just to fucking wind me up?
190
00:14:13,708 --> 00:14:14,500
Eh?
191
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:18,916
What's that you got?
192
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,041
Nothing.
193
00:14:22,250 --> 00:14:23,500
Not for you.
194
00:14:23,625 --> 00:14:24,416
Give it me here.
195
00:14:24,541 --> 00:14:25,916
No.
196
00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:33,000
Just to wind me up, eh?
197
00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:35,208
Just to fucking wind me up!
198
00:14:38,166 --> 00:14:39,875
Are you angry, Bob?
199
00:14:40,708 --> 00:14:41,958
You seem angry.
200
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:04,041
Hello.
201
00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:09,083
Good choice.
202
00:16:14,666 --> 00:16:17,833
About a golden haired child who
refuses to answer questions.
203
00:16:21,666 --> 00:16:22,458
Right.
204
00:16:23,666 --> 00:16:27,000
What is essential is
invisible to the eye.
205
00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:28,458
Sorry?
206
00:16:28,583 --> 00:16:30,875
That's what the book
teaches us.
207
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,166
What, you and me?
208
00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:37,041
All of us.
209
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:41,708
Oh well, I've a bin
full of bills at home,
210
00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:43,708
I can see 'em all.
211
00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:48,875
Well the reason they're in the
bin then, that's essential.
212
00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:51,833
That's what's essential.
213
00:16:55,291 --> 00:16:56,083
Yeah.
214
00:16:57,375 --> 00:16:58,750
Well, I'm Angus.
215
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,583
This is my bookshop, so.
216
00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:05,458
How do you do, Angus?
217
00:17:05,583 --> 00:17:07,958
So what do you like?
218
00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:09,333
Like?
219
00:17:09,458 --> 00:17:12,791
To read, what do
you like to read?
220
00:17:12,916 --> 00:17:16,458
Well I'm a seeker
after knowledge, me.
221
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:18,708
That's good.
222
00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:20,375
I like that.
223
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:25,000
I've only just started
mine, so I'm a new seeker.
224
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:29,166
Well I'm an arted champion
of the new seeker, so.
225
00:17:29,291 --> 00:17:30,666
Ah, that's good.
226
00:17:34,708 --> 00:17:36,208
Would you like to
go out for a drink?
227
00:17:36,333 --> 00:17:38,708
-Oh no.
228
00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:43,125
Can I have um--
229
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,041
Four pints, two Babycham.
230
00:17:45,166 --> 00:17:47,583
Eh hang on, I'm first.
231
00:17:47,708 --> 00:17:51,000
Yeah, shut your mouth
or you'll get a crack.
232
00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:55,083
That's not fair, I've
been here 10 minutes.
233
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,000
Oh aye?
234
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:56,916
Aye.
235
00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:02,541
Fighting man, are you?
236
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:04,958
-No.
-Oh.
237
00:18:06,958 --> 00:18:09,208
I'll give you half
ten to learn, eh?
238
00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:11,041
Silly bollocks, eh?
239
00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:15,166
Hey, what do you think of these?
240
00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:17,291
Nice, aren't they?
241
00:18:17,416 --> 00:18:18,166
Guess where I got 'em?
242
00:18:18,291 --> 00:18:19,583
No idea.
243
00:18:19,708 --> 00:18:22,125
Levelle's, you know,
on Chapel Walk.
244
00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,250
Guess how much?
245
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,541
Nine quid!
246
00:18:25,666 --> 00:18:27,166
Aren't they lovely?
247
00:18:27,291 --> 00:18:28,708
Mit don't know they
were that much.
248
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:30,500
Kill him if he knew,
he's head'd blow off.
249
00:18:30,625 --> 00:18:31,500
Lovely though, aren't they?
250
00:18:31,625 --> 00:18:32,916
Yeah.
251
00:18:33,041 --> 00:18:35,166
Hey it's heaving in here
aint it? ram packed.
252
00:18:35,291 --> 00:18:37,250
Oh, this is nice, is it new?
253
00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:38,166
Yeah, it is.
254
00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:39,458
Where'd you get it?
255
00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:41,375
Club book, 27
payments, only paid one.
256
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:42,875
It's lovely.
257
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:49,291
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen
258
00:18:49,416 --> 00:18:51,000
and welcome to Crook's Club.
259
00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:52,708
I'd like you to put
your hands together
260
00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:55,166
and give a big
Crook Club welcome
261
00:18:55,291 --> 00:18:58,750
to the master of
mirth, Lenny Lennon.
262
00:18:58,875 --> 00:19:02,125
[audience applauding]
263
00:19:03,666 --> 00:19:05,208
Whoa, thank you.
264
00:19:06,291 --> 00:19:07,208
Lovely.
265
00:19:08,291 --> 00:19:10,541
I had a fellow knock
on me door last night,
266
00:19:10,666 --> 00:19:13,041
he said, "Do you
believe in free speech?"
267
00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:14,500
I said, "Yes, I do."
268
00:19:14,625 --> 00:19:17,125
He said, "Good, can
I use your phone?"
269
00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:20,083
So this fella in prison
says to his cellmate,
270
00:19:20,208 --> 00:19:21,708
"How long you in for?"
271
00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:25,250
So this lag says to
him, "Just three days."
272
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,666
So the fella says, "Three days?
273
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:30,125
"That's great, how
did you manage that?"
274
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:33,250
And this old lag says,
"They're hanging me on Monday.
275
00:19:33,375 --> 00:19:35,208
So they came to hang him,
276
00:19:35,333 --> 00:19:37,166
so him and the hangman are
walking across the yard
277
00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:38,833
on the day of the hanging
278
00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:41,291
and it's lashing
it down with rain,
279
00:19:41,416 --> 00:19:43,333
so this lag says to the hangman,
280
00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:45,166
"What a bloody
day to be hanged."
281
00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:46,875
And the hangman
says, "I don't know
282
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,166
"what you're complaining about,
283
00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:49,791
"I have to walk back in this."
284
00:19:49,916 --> 00:19:51,458
Shut up you wassock!
285
00:19:51,583 --> 00:19:53,250
Now come on, ladies
and gentlemen,
286
00:19:53,375 --> 00:19:55,208
let's have some order, please.
287
00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:57,375
Give order all around the room.
288
00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,750
Old bastard's doing his
best, give him a chance.
289
00:20:00,875 --> 00:20:02,500
Yeah right.
290
00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:06,041
Hey, I went to Bradford
last week, bloody Bradford,
291
00:20:06,166 --> 00:20:09,875
I felt like the white
spot on a domino.
292
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,166
Ring 999 in Bradford and
they don't send police,
293
00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:15,625
I rang and Bengal
lancers turned up.
294
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,875
So anyway, I had a
blackout last night.
295
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,041
I did, I had a blackout.
296
00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:25,458
Seeing it tomorrow
night and all.
297
00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:50,416
See ya!
298
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:53,208
All right, come on, wakey wakey.
299
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:54,833
-Get up, come on!
-[clapping]
300
00:20:54,958 --> 00:20:57,000
Quick, the pair of
ya, come on, up!
301
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:59,666
Up hey, now just look.
302
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:01,833
Look at that, look
what we've got.
303
00:21:01,958 --> 00:21:03,333
What is it?
304
00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:05,250
That's a swimming pool.
305
00:21:05,375 --> 00:21:07,333
We've got a swimming pool,
how's about that, eh?
306
00:21:07,458 --> 00:21:10,166
Come on then, downstairs,
toast on the table.
307
00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,625
Don't tell anyone at
school, I mean it.
308
00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:21,750
♪ No one will be so gentle
309
00:21:23,458 --> 00:21:26,166
♪ And so lovable
310
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,250
Bet it's nice and cold.
311
00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:50,666
Well I love it.
312
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,458
All right then, upstairs.
313
00:21:54,583 --> 00:21:57,208
Get your swimming costume on.
314
00:21:57,333 --> 00:21:58,583
What swimming costume?
315
00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:00,583
I ain't got a swimming costume.
316
00:22:00,708 --> 00:22:04,791
Get upstairs and put your
dad's new underpants on.
317
00:22:04,916 --> 00:22:07,333
-Mom please.
-Go on, do it!
318
00:22:08,833 --> 00:22:10,416
And never you mind that lot, eh?
319
00:22:10,541 --> 00:22:12,958
They're only jealous.
320
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,166
Come on down.
321
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000
Right, now go and have a swim.
322
00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:26,166
Come on then, let's have a dip.
323
00:22:26,291 --> 00:22:28,791
I'm going to go under
water for five minutes.
324
00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:36,208
That wasn't five minutes,
that was two seconds.
325
00:22:44,666 --> 00:22:46,500
By the time I were 10,
326
00:22:46,625 --> 00:22:49,375
kids at school had
sniffed me out.
327
00:22:50,208 --> 00:22:51,750
I wasn't one of them
328
00:22:53,291 --> 00:22:55,666
and I couldn't hide it.
329
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:59,458
I tried for a while,
you know, pretended.
330
00:22:59,583 --> 00:23:04,083
But it were pointless, there
were fumes coming off me.
331
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:09,000
I started acting up, playing
the goat, letting it all out.
332
00:23:11,541 --> 00:23:12,833
So they beat me
333
00:23:14,375 --> 00:23:16,416
and then they isolated me.
334
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:18,250
You see,
335
00:23:19,791 --> 00:23:23,583
unstable bitches aren't
tolerated in the pack.
336
00:23:27,833 --> 00:23:31,333
And once the die is
cast, well that's it.
337
00:23:32,958 --> 00:23:35,250
Once you're on the outside,
338
00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:39,375
that's where you stay.
339
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,666
Mike, help me now, Mike.
340
00:24:00,791 --> 00:24:02,208
Look who's here.
341
00:24:05,708 --> 00:24:07,375
Oh fuck, has she seen you?
342
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:08,375
No, She's seen Ollie.
343
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:09,458
I'm not going.
344
00:24:12,708 --> 00:24:14,333
Hey, where you going?
345
00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:16,458
Stay up there with Debs.
346
00:24:21,375 --> 00:24:23,083
Oh, stop breathing.
347
00:24:39,208 --> 00:24:41,000
Oh shit, she's not going.
348
00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:43,208
Go on, she's your sister.
349
00:24:45,666 --> 00:24:46,791
Go on.
350
00:24:46,916 --> 00:24:48,583
Please, don't start.
351
00:24:48,708 --> 00:24:50,083
Promise.
352
00:24:50,208 --> 00:24:52,500
I'm not promising anything.
353
00:24:56,666 --> 00:24:57,583
Alright?
354
00:24:57,708 --> 00:24:59,166
Hiya.
355
00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:03,291
Thought I'd pop round.
Ain't seen you for a bit.
356
00:25:03,416 --> 00:25:04,208
No.
357
00:25:05,916 --> 00:25:09,291
Well, can I come in?
358
00:25:09,416 --> 00:25:11,791
Yeah yeah yeah,
best come in, yeah.
359
00:25:11,916 --> 00:25:13,583
Thanks.
360
00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:18,583
-Hi Jean.
361
00:25:20,416 --> 00:25:22,875
Just about to have us dinner.
362
00:25:24,708 --> 00:25:25,958
Where's yours?
363
00:25:26,083 --> 00:25:27,666
I'm not bothered,
I'll eat later.
364
00:25:31,833 --> 00:25:33,375
Sit down.
365
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:34,875
Can't we go out and play?
366
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,333
No, sit down.
367
00:25:37,208 --> 00:25:38,916
What are you doing, sit down!
368
00:25:39,041 --> 00:25:40,625
Excuse me, no no no, I've
said they can go out and play.
369
00:25:40,750 --> 00:25:42,583
Go out and play, go on.
370
00:25:42,708 --> 00:25:43,583
Liam.
371
00:25:48,666 --> 00:25:50,583
Go on, out you go then.
372
00:25:55,708 --> 00:25:58,708
Right, I'm off out.
373
00:25:58,833 --> 00:25:59,500
Where you going?
374
00:25:59,625 --> 00:26:00,666
Told ya, out.
375
00:26:02,375 --> 00:26:04,541
It was lovely to see you, Jean.
376
00:26:18,833 --> 00:26:20,708
You should have phoned.
377
00:26:29,750 --> 00:26:30,916
See you, Mike.
378
00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:03,541
Come on, come on.
379
00:27:27,916 --> 00:27:30,750
Hello, do you mind
if I join you?
380
00:27:32,333 --> 00:27:33,833
It's a free country.
381
00:27:47,750 --> 00:27:49,083
I want to do what you do.
382
00:27:49,208 --> 00:27:50,791
Oh aye?
383
00:27:50,916 --> 00:27:53,333
Yeah, I saw you at Crook's Club.
384
00:27:53,458 --> 00:27:54,583
Oh did you?
385
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:56,791
Yeah.
386
00:27:58,958 --> 00:28:00,750
I wanna do what you do.
387
00:28:00,875 --> 00:28:03,250
I wanna make people laugh.
388
00:28:03,375 --> 00:28:05,750
I wouldn't bother,
waste of time.
389
00:28:05,875 --> 00:28:08,500
Why do you say that, it isn't.
390
00:28:08,625 --> 00:28:09,625
I'm funny.
391
00:28:09,750 --> 00:28:10,666
Are you love?
392
00:28:10,791 --> 00:28:11,833
That's good.
393
00:28:11,958 --> 00:28:14,583
-I am.
394
00:28:17,750 --> 00:28:18,708
I doubt it.
395
00:28:20,541 --> 00:28:23,083
It's not a job for a woman.
396
00:28:23,208 --> 00:28:26,083
Why do you think all
comics are blokes, love?
397
00:28:26,208 --> 00:28:30,208
I'll tell you why, 'cause
women aren't funny.
398
00:28:30,333 --> 00:28:33,458
Don't know why, but
they're just not.
399
00:28:34,666 --> 00:28:36,208
You're not funny.
400
00:28:36,333 --> 00:28:37,083
No.
401
00:28:38,458 --> 00:28:39,791
-I mean--
-Singing,
402
00:28:39,916 --> 00:28:41,708
can you sing?
403
00:28:41,833 --> 00:28:43,166
They'll let you sing for 'em,
404
00:28:43,291 --> 00:28:44,833
as long as you're
not wearing much.
405
00:28:44,958 --> 00:28:46,708
Or you could be a stripper.
406
00:28:46,833 --> 00:28:49,000
They'd like it if you
took your clothes off,
407
00:28:49,125 --> 00:28:51,875
maybe flash your fanny for 'em.
408
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,875
But don't try and
make 'em laugh.
409
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,958
They'll be on you like a pack
of wolves, tear you to shreds.
410
00:28:59,083 --> 00:29:01,458
I'd conquer 'em with love.
411
00:29:01,583 --> 00:29:04,250
Yeah well, good luck
with that, love.
412
00:29:04,375 --> 00:29:05,875
Look, you don't understand.
413
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:06,875
Oh, I do.
414
00:29:08,041 --> 00:29:09,041
Only too well.
415
00:29:09,166 --> 00:29:10,708
I've got no choice.
416
00:29:10,833 --> 00:29:11,750
I can't,
417
00:29:13,166 --> 00:29:15,000
I can't do what
everyone else does.
418
00:29:15,125 --> 00:29:16,916
I can't be a civilian.
419
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:19,833
See, I've got no backbone.
420
00:29:19,958 --> 00:29:21,708
I've got a funny bone instead.
421
00:29:21,833 --> 00:29:24,916
Listen to me, love, 30 year ago,
422
00:29:25,041 --> 00:29:27,291
I thought I was funny as fuck.
423
00:29:27,416 --> 00:29:29,791
It's not about being
funny, darling,
424
00:29:29,916 --> 00:29:31,750
it's about surviving.
425
00:29:31,875 --> 00:29:33,791
Try breathing slower.
426
00:29:41,875 --> 00:29:44,291
I'm on at Dial
House, Sunday dinner.
427
00:29:44,416 --> 00:29:46,666
Right, I'll come.
428
00:29:46,791 --> 00:29:48,041
Right then, I'm off.
429
00:29:48,166 --> 00:29:50,416
You'll have me as daft as you.
430
00:30:31,875 --> 00:30:32,833
-Mom?
-Mmhmm?
431
00:30:36,958 --> 00:30:38,500
Where's all your chairs?
432
00:30:41,583 --> 00:30:42,958
Gone.
433
00:30:43,083 --> 00:30:43,875
All of 'em?
434
00:30:45,916 --> 00:30:48,416
And your table and
your sideboard?
435
00:30:50,625 --> 00:30:53,958
mom, you can't
carry on like this.
436
00:30:54,083 --> 00:30:56,333
Don't fuss, love.
437
00:30:56,458 --> 00:30:57,750
You're right.
438
00:31:05,083 --> 00:31:06,166
Made you a pie.
439
00:31:07,375 --> 00:31:08,875
Looks like a bus.
440
00:31:10,041 --> 00:31:11,708
Fucking Hell fire.
441
00:31:11,833 --> 00:31:13,291
Look at the state of it in here.
442
00:31:13,416 --> 00:31:16,333
-Bob--
-Still with him, are ya?
443
00:31:16,458 --> 00:31:18,625
Aye, course you are.
444
00:31:19,958 --> 00:31:22,416
All right, give her the pie.
445
00:31:22,541 --> 00:31:23,333
Come on.
446
00:31:27,416 --> 00:31:28,208
Oh mom.
447
00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:31,875
Aye, nevermind.
448
00:31:57,583 --> 00:31:58,958
Hello.
449
00:31:59,083 --> 00:31:59,875
Hello.
450
00:32:01,041 --> 00:32:02,708
Back for "The Little Prince?"
451
00:32:02,833 --> 00:32:03,958
Eh?
452
00:32:04,083 --> 00:32:05,500
The book,
453
00:32:05,625 --> 00:32:06,625
you were reading it
last time you came in.
454
00:32:06,750 --> 00:32:07,583
Was I?
455
00:32:07,708 --> 00:32:08,666
Yeah.
456
00:32:08,791 --> 00:32:11,291
Well I was just window shopping.
457
00:32:12,708 --> 00:32:13,833
So how much are they?
458
00:32:13,958 --> 00:32:14,875
What?
459
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,583
Your windows?
460
00:32:16,708 --> 00:32:17,500
Eh?
461
00:32:18,833 --> 00:32:20,083
I was only joking.
462
00:32:20,208 --> 00:32:21,916
Oh, sorry.
463
00:32:24,291 --> 00:32:28,041
Put the kettle on,
spitting feathers here.
464
00:32:28,166 --> 00:32:31,875
Kettle, yes, of course, of
course, come on through.
465
00:32:36,416 --> 00:32:37,916
Here you go.
466
00:32:38,041 --> 00:32:38,833
Oh.
467
00:32:41,333 --> 00:32:44,041
Oh don't tell me you're
interested in etymology.
468
00:32:44,166 --> 00:32:45,958
I wouldn't dream of it.
469
00:32:46,083 --> 00:32:48,166
-What's ete--
-Etymology?
470
00:32:48,291 --> 00:32:50,166
It's a passion of mine.
471
00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:55,666
This book you were looking at.
472
00:32:55,791 --> 00:32:58,041
I wasn't looking really.
473
00:32:58,166 --> 00:33:02,416
Sniffing, yeah, looking, no.
474
00:33:02,541 --> 00:33:04,041
Sniffing?
475
00:33:07,125 --> 00:33:09,583
I love the smell of books.
476
00:33:09,708 --> 00:33:10,583
Don't you?
477
00:33:10,708 --> 00:33:12,291
Yes, I suppose so.
478
00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:16,666
I like leather, the
smell of new leather.
479
00:33:18,250 --> 00:33:22,500
[muttering] and that sort
of thing, springs to mind.
480
00:33:26,375 --> 00:33:28,208
I'm glad you came back.
481
00:33:28,333 --> 00:33:30,166
Bet you are.
482
00:33:30,291 --> 00:33:31,083
Hm.
483
00:33:32,333 --> 00:33:34,541
-Oh Jesus--
-What's wrong?
484
00:33:34,666 --> 00:33:37,041
The tea.
485
00:33:37,166 --> 00:33:41,291
What did you do, just serve
a cup of picture of a teabag?
486
00:33:41,416 --> 00:33:45,000
I'm sorry, I'm not a
tea man, generally.
487
00:33:47,541 --> 00:33:49,333
So where will we go?
488
00:33:50,791 --> 00:33:53,041
Where will you take me?
489
00:33:53,166 --> 00:33:54,041
On a date?
490
00:33:55,083 --> 00:33:56,625
Do you mean a date?
491
00:33:56,750 --> 00:34:01,000
[laughs] You're old fashioned.
492
00:34:01,125 --> 00:34:04,208
-Hopelessly.
493
00:34:04,333 --> 00:34:06,041
And I'm intelligent.
494
00:34:07,250 --> 00:34:09,750
Can be very, very reasonable,
495
00:34:11,083 --> 00:34:12,583
usually optimistic,
496
00:34:14,041 --> 00:34:18,500
often depressed, I mean
properly, properly depressed.
497
00:34:18,625 --> 00:34:21,833
The whole nine
yards, I can't talk.
498
00:34:21,958 --> 00:34:24,041
I can't get out of bed.
499
00:34:24,166 --> 00:34:27,000
And I get panic
attacks and I snore.
500
00:34:28,250 --> 00:34:31,041
Oh, I can become
extraordinarily angry--
501
00:34:31,166 --> 00:34:33,875
Enough, I'll come
round tomorrow.
502
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,500
You can take me out for dinner.
503
00:34:40,208 --> 00:34:43,125
Can I ask you what
changed your mind about me
504
00:34:43,250 --> 00:34:45,375
and about a date?
505
00:34:45,500 --> 00:34:47,083
You can ask, yeah.
506
00:34:48,333 --> 00:34:51,791
But you'll just smile
and refuse to answer?
507
00:34:51,916 --> 00:34:53,416
You're right.
508
00:34:53,541 --> 00:34:55,416
So there's your answer.
509
00:35:21,375 --> 00:35:22,208
Wow.
510
00:35:24,541 --> 00:35:25,333
Wow.
511
00:35:28,750 --> 00:35:31,083
Isn't that the most beautiful
film you've ever seen?
512
00:35:34,208 --> 00:35:39,083
That red, that vibrant red,
did you enjoy it?
513
00:35:39,625 --> 00:35:40,416
Yeah.
514
00:35:44,500 --> 00:35:46,041
-Come.
-Thank you.
515
00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:50,041
Thank you, thank you very much.
516
00:35:50,166 --> 00:35:51,458
Which part did
you like the best?
517
00:35:51,583 --> 00:35:53,125
Em, the balloons.
518
00:35:54,375 --> 00:35:55,375
What, at the end?
519
00:35:55,500 --> 00:35:56,875
Yeah, at the end.
520
00:36:04,916 --> 00:36:07,166
What's his name?
521
00:36:08,083 --> 00:36:09,166
Don't matter.
522
00:36:12,125 --> 00:36:12,916
Bob.
523
00:36:14,791 --> 00:36:15,583
It's Bob.
524
00:36:17,291 --> 00:36:20,333
And you and Bob, do you get on?
525
00:36:20,458 --> 00:36:22,291
Does he make you laugh?
526
00:36:22,416 --> 00:36:24,750
Oh yeah, he's hysterical.
527
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:28,708
You're being sarcastic, right?
528
00:36:31,541 --> 00:36:32,958
Do you love him?
529
00:36:33,083 --> 00:36:35,166
No, of course not.
530
00:36:35,291 --> 00:36:37,291
-Does he--
-What?
531
00:36:37,416 --> 00:36:38,458
Knock me about?
532
00:36:39,500 --> 00:36:40,583
Yeah he does.
533
00:36:42,750 --> 00:36:43,541
Happy now?
534
00:36:45,041 --> 00:36:45,833
Happy?
535
00:36:47,375 --> 00:36:49,416
Why on Earth would I
be happy to hear that?
536
00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:52,333
[Funny Cow] Well you can
be my rescue, can't you?
537
00:36:52,458 --> 00:36:54,208
Play at shining knights.
538
00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:57,875
I'm a damsel in distress.
539
00:36:59,291 --> 00:37:01,000
Anyway, it don't matter.
540
00:37:01,125 --> 00:37:04,208
Who took your
self-esteem from you?
541
00:37:04,333 --> 00:37:06,333
You have very low self-esteem.
542
00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:10,833
Nobody took it, I handed
it over of me own volition.
543
00:37:12,291 --> 00:37:14,583
So what're you gonna say now?
544
00:37:16,458 --> 00:37:20,416
In life people get what
they think they deserve.
545
00:37:22,291 --> 00:37:24,208
No, that's hard to watch.
546
00:37:26,250 --> 00:37:30,166
I mean why is it all the
beautiful people are fucked up
547
00:37:30,291 --> 00:37:33,791
and all the wankers bestride
the Earth untouched?
548
00:37:33,916 --> 00:37:35,500
Don't know.
549
00:37:35,625 --> 00:37:39,000
Why is easy listening
music so hard to listen to?
550
00:37:39,125 --> 00:37:41,000
I'm being serious.
551
00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:42,000
Don't be.
552
00:37:44,208 --> 00:37:45,541
So what about you?
553
00:37:46,708 --> 00:37:48,958
Why aren't you married?
554
00:37:49,083 --> 00:37:50,166
How do you know I'm not?
555
00:37:51,875 --> 00:37:56,041
You, [laughs] never,
not in a million years.
556
00:37:56,166 --> 00:37:58,916
All right, I'm not that bad.
557
00:37:59,041 --> 00:38:01,125
Surely somebody out
there would have me.
558
00:38:01,250 --> 00:38:02,916
That's not what I meant.
559
00:38:03,041 --> 00:38:04,000
Stop fishing.
560
00:38:04,125 --> 00:38:04,916
I'm not.
561
00:38:06,750 --> 00:38:07,541
I am.
562
00:38:09,791 --> 00:38:12,125
Wow, you laugh as well.
563
00:38:12,250 --> 00:38:15,291
I never would have thought it.
564
00:38:18,166 --> 00:38:18,958
So.
565
00:38:20,250 --> 00:38:21,916
Ah, women.
566
00:38:24,375 --> 00:38:25,166
Um,
567
00:38:27,125 --> 00:38:30,500
seems that I just don't
measure up to some
568
00:38:30,625 --> 00:38:33,916
template that they
have in their heads.
569
00:38:36,958 --> 00:38:38,291
Tragic, aren't I?
570
00:38:40,041 --> 00:38:41,291
You could be.
571
00:38:42,500 --> 00:38:43,458
If I let ya.
572
00:38:45,583 --> 00:38:48,291
Right, well I'll walk from here.
573
00:38:49,458 --> 00:38:51,416
Are you sure?
574
00:38:51,541 --> 00:38:52,750
I don't mind dropping
you off outside.
575
00:38:52,875 --> 00:38:53,583
Oh no.
576
00:38:53,708 --> 00:38:55,041
Oh no.
577
00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:58,000
There'll be a welcoming party.
578
00:38:58,125 --> 00:39:01,916
Least this way, you get
to see me walk away.
579
00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:04,166
Does that mean I
won't see you again?
580
00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:08,250
No, it means you'll get
to see my ass chasse.
581
00:39:09,541 --> 00:39:13,916
That means chase in
French.
582
00:39:15,541 --> 00:39:17,000
-Will I?
-Will you?
583
00:39:17,125 --> 00:39:18,041
Will I?
584
00:39:18,166 --> 00:39:18,958
Will we?
585
00:39:47,708 --> 00:39:49,000
What's your name, soft-cock?
586
00:39:50,833 --> 00:39:51,875
S'cuse me, what
do you think you're doing?
587
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:53,416
Shh shh shh shh,
shut your mouth.
588
00:39:53,541 --> 00:39:55,583
What's your name,
what do they call ya?
589
00:39:55,708 --> 00:39:56,500
Huh?
590
00:40:00,500 --> 00:40:02,291
I can smell
591
00:40:02,416 --> 00:40:04,083
I can smell fanny in here.
592
00:40:04,208 --> 00:40:06,041
I can smell fanny and shit.
593
00:40:06,166 --> 00:40:10,791
Can you smell fanny and shit?
594
00:40:10,916 --> 00:40:12,833
I'll bet you can.
595
00:40:12,958 --> 00:40:14,375
I bet you can smell
funny and shit
596
00:40:14,500 --> 00:40:18,166
everywhere you
fucking go, can't you?
597
00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:19,625
Please get out of my car.
598
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:21,541
Now don't talk.
599
00:40:21,666 --> 00:40:23,083
Shut your mouth.
600
00:40:27,458 --> 00:40:28,583
Now you know.
601
00:40:30,333 --> 00:40:31,375
Now you know.
602
00:40:32,833 --> 00:40:33,625
Cunt.
603
00:40:34,791 --> 00:40:35,583
Eh?
604
00:41:03,291 --> 00:41:07,000
♪ Don't feel the same on
the bang, not really ♪
605
00:41:07,125 --> 00:41:10,833
♪ Just want you
girl on the side ♪
606
00:41:10,958 --> 00:41:14,750
♪ I know it's a shame,
but I got a feeling ♪
607
00:41:14,875 --> 00:41:18,500
♪ I need you here tonight
608
00:41:18,625 --> 00:41:22,458
♪ And I know you can't
stand to see me around ♪
609
00:41:22,583 --> 00:41:26,458
♪ But you're my
bitch on the side ♪
610
00:41:26,583 --> 00:41:30,416
♪ And now come here so you
can play your feelings ♪
611
00:41:30,541 --> 00:41:33,875
♪ And more than satisfied.
612
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:36,000
♪ Ohhhh
613
00:41:41,500 --> 00:41:42,458
Nice work.
614
00:41:54,333 --> 00:41:56,416
Whoa, there we go.
615
00:41:56,541 --> 00:41:59,541
All right, thanks very
much ladies and gentlemen.
616
00:41:59,666 --> 00:42:01,625
A fellow knocked on
me door last week,
617
00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:03,833
he said, "Do you
believe in free speech?"
618
00:42:03,958 --> 00:42:05,541
So I says, "Yeah."
619
00:42:05,666 --> 00:42:09,458
And he says, "Good, can I
use your phone, please?"
620
00:42:09,583 --> 00:42:13,375
So these two fellas in prison,
sharing a cell, you know,
621
00:42:13,500 --> 00:42:16,333
and one fella says, "How
long you in for, mate?"
622
00:42:16,458 --> 00:42:19,000
And the other fella
says, "Just three days."
623
00:42:19,125 --> 00:42:21,125
And the fella says, "three days,
624
00:42:21,250 --> 00:42:23,291
"how come you just
get three days?"
625
00:42:23,416 --> 00:42:24,416
And the fella says--
626
00:42:24,541 --> 00:42:25,708
They're hanging me on Monday.
627
00:42:25,833 --> 00:42:27,500
I've heard it.
628
00:42:27,625 --> 00:42:29,458
Got any jokes?
629
00:42:29,583 --> 00:42:31,875
Hey, I've seen you on
telly, aren't I? [chuckles]
630
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,708
Interference, oy.
631
00:42:33,833 --> 00:42:36,041
Could you fuck off, we're
expecting a comic here.
632
00:42:39,125 --> 00:42:41,500
So this bird goes into
one of them sex shops,
633
00:42:41,625 --> 00:42:45,375
says to the fella, "I'd
like a vibrator please."
634
00:42:45,500 --> 00:42:48,000
And the fella says, "Well
what color would you like?
635
00:42:48,125 --> 00:42:51,250
"We've got red, black,
blue, pink, green."
636
00:42:51,375 --> 00:42:53,208
And the bird stops him and says,
637
00:42:53,333 --> 00:42:56,625
"I want that one, behind
ya, the tartan one."
638
00:42:56,750 --> 00:42:59,291
The bloke says,
"You can fuck off,
639
00:42:59,416 --> 00:43:01,541
"that's me thermos flask."
640
00:43:04,250 --> 00:43:06,208
I'm from Mansfield, me.
641
00:43:06,333 --> 00:43:08,541
God it's depressing.
642
00:43:08,666 --> 00:43:09,958
We aren't twinned with anywhere,
643
00:43:10,083 --> 00:43:12,708
but we do have a suicide
pact with Rotherham.
644
00:43:12,833 --> 00:43:14,541
Sorry mate, I don't know what--
645
00:43:14,666 --> 00:43:17,125
-Well then--
-I've always done well here.
646
00:43:17,250 --> 00:43:18,958
There you go.
647
00:43:24,583 --> 00:43:26,250
You're too late,
I've just finished.
648
00:43:26,375 --> 00:43:28,833
I know, I were there.
649
00:43:28,958 --> 00:43:30,250
Oh, were you?
650
00:43:31,291 --> 00:43:34,333
Well now you know, don't you?
651
00:43:34,458 --> 00:43:36,541
It was horrible, you, you--
652
00:43:36,666 --> 00:43:39,833
Died, I died a thousand deaths.
653
00:43:39,958 --> 00:43:41,750
Why are they like that?
654
00:43:41,875 --> 00:43:45,416
How do you do it, you know
when they don't like you?
655
00:43:45,541 --> 00:43:47,291
How do you do it?
656
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:50,416
'Cause I died years ago, love.
657
00:43:50,541 --> 00:43:52,833
I'm a comedic zombie.
658
00:43:52,958 --> 00:43:55,375
They can't touch me anymore.
659
00:43:56,333 --> 00:43:57,916
Dead man walking, me.
660
00:44:01,958 --> 00:44:04,291
Now if you'll excuse me.
661
00:44:04,416 --> 00:44:06,291
Where you going?
662
00:44:06,416 --> 00:44:09,583
I'm going swimming,
in a sea of beer.
663
00:44:10,666 --> 00:44:14,375
It washes away all
the hurt and the dirt.
664
00:44:14,500 --> 00:44:18,708
It's the stains though,
won't shift them.
665
00:44:18,833 --> 00:44:20,833
-Ta-ra love.
666
00:44:54,041 --> 00:44:55,041
S'cuse me.
667
00:45:01,250 --> 00:45:03,833
No, no, no, oy, oy
oy, don't play that now.
668
00:45:05,708 --> 00:45:09,583
♪ Mule train, hyah hyah
669
00:45:15,375 --> 00:45:17,666
♪ Mule train
670
00:45:19,500 --> 00:45:21,000
Woo, woo!
671
00:45:21,125 --> 00:45:24,958
♪ Clippety cloppin'
over hill and plain ♪
672
00:45:25,083 --> 00:45:30,083
♪ Seems as how they never stop,
clippety clop, clippety clop ♪
673
00:45:31,583 --> 00:45:35,666
-♪ Clippety cloppin along
674
00:45:37,875 --> 00:45:41,041
♪ Mule train, hyah hyah
675
00:45:45,708 --> 00:45:48,458
-♪ Mule train
-Woo!
676
00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:55,416
♪ Clippety cloppin' over
the mountain chain ♪
677
00:45:55,541 --> 00:45:57,833
♪ Soon they're gonna
reach the top ♪
678
00:45:57,958 --> 00:46:00,458
♪ Clippety clop, clippety
clop, clippety clop ♪
679
00:46:00,583 --> 00:46:03,083
♪ Clippety, clippety,
clippety cloppin' along ♪
680
00:46:06,375 --> 00:46:10,000
♪ There's a plug o'chaw tobacky
for a rancher in Corona ♪
681
00:46:10,125 --> 00:46:13,708
♪ A guitar for a cowboy
way out in Arizona ♪
682
00:46:13,833 --> 00:46:18,750
♪ A dress of calico
for a pretty Navajo ♪
683
00:46:41,916 --> 00:46:43,791
Where you going?
684
00:46:43,916 --> 00:46:45,250
Out.
685
00:46:45,375 --> 00:46:47,666
Don't be fucking clever.
686
00:46:47,791 --> 00:46:49,625
I won't ask you again,
where are you going?
687
00:46:49,750 --> 00:46:51,000
I told ya, out.
688
00:46:58,250 --> 00:47:01,375
What's this, eh,
search for a star?
689
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:04,750
It's a talent show.
690
00:47:04,875 --> 00:47:08,333
[Bob] Oh all right, that's
where you're going, is it,
691
00:47:08,458 --> 00:47:11,250
to watch a fucking talent show?
692
00:47:12,500 --> 00:47:13,291
Oh no.
693
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:18,791
Don't tell me you've
entered the bastard.
694
00:47:18,916 --> 00:47:20,333
Is that what you're telling me,
695
00:47:20,458 --> 00:47:22,541
that you've entered a
fucking talent show?
696
00:47:22,666 --> 00:47:23,916
Yeah I am, all right!
697
00:47:24,041 --> 00:47:26,458
Don't fucking shout at me!
698
00:47:27,916 --> 00:47:30,250
Think I am? Fucking soft Mick?
699
00:47:31,583 --> 00:47:33,791
Right, I'm telling you,
700
00:47:33,916 --> 00:47:35,541
you go and do this,
701
00:47:36,791 --> 00:47:39,041
I'll break your
fucking nose for ya.
702
00:47:39,166 --> 00:47:40,125
Don't say you weren't warned.
703
00:47:40,250 --> 00:47:41,333
Now fuck off.
704
00:47:42,916 --> 00:47:44,583
Right.
705
00:47:44,708 --> 00:47:45,666
I'm going.
706
00:47:45,791 --> 00:47:46,541
Right.
707
00:47:47,791 --> 00:47:48,750
I'm serious.
708
00:47:50,041 --> 00:47:52,708
I'll break your fucking
nose, do you understand me?
709
00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:54,375
Yeah.
710
00:47:54,500 --> 00:47:55,291
Good.
711
00:47:56,958 --> 00:47:58,916
You cannot beat me.
712
00:47:59,041 --> 00:48:01,916
You'll never fucking
beat me, never,
713
00:48:02,041 --> 00:48:06,041
not while you've got a
fucking hole in your ass.
714
00:48:19,708 --> 00:48:21,833
Number one, please.
715
00:48:42,041 --> 00:48:43,083
Colin Pang.
716
00:48:45,958 --> 00:48:46,958
With hound dog.
717
00:48:47,916 --> 00:48:48,916
He dances.
718
00:48:49,041 --> 00:48:50,541
Thank you very much.
719
00:48:58,833 --> 00:49:01,541
Don't, don't you, don't
you leave like she did!
720
00:49:01,666 --> 00:49:03,500
[Man] I'm sorry,
I don't think so.
721
00:49:03,625 --> 00:49:05,583
He will dance, he
dances in the kitchen.
722
00:49:05,708 --> 00:49:08,333
Well that would only be half
the job done, wouldn't it?
723
00:49:08,458 --> 00:49:10,916
I think Elvis should
leave the building now.
724
00:49:11,041 --> 00:49:12,416
Number two please.
725
00:49:16,500 --> 00:49:18,458
Hello, what's your name?
726
00:49:18,583 --> 00:49:21,000
Eh, Rodney Chitterton.
727
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,750
Boy, that reeks of glamor.
728
00:49:23,875 --> 00:49:26,000
What you gonna do
for us then, Rodney?
729
00:49:26,125 --> 00:49:27,916
Just sing a song.
730
00:49:28,041 --> 00:49:29,583
The stage is yours.
731
00:49:29,708 --> 00:49:32,916
[gentle guitar music]
732
00:49:33,958 --> 00:49:37,500
♪ Sorry I've been away so long
733
00:49:37,625 --> 00:49:42,458
♪ I needed just a
little more time ♪
734
00:49:42,583 --> 00:49:47,416
♪ If you stare through the
glass from moment to moment ♪
735
00:49:47,541 --> 00:49:51,291
♪ It's funny what you find
736
00:49:51,416 --> 00:49:55,791
♪ We can move our bodies
like a twist of smoke ♪
737
00:49:55,916 --> 00:49:56,708
♪ Come let us shake
like the flame ♪
738
00:49:56,833 --> 00:49:58,291
Whoa, hold it there.
739
00:50:00,375 --> 00:50:01,833
Lovely.
740
00:50:01,958 --> 00:50:02,916
Get you a change of a name
741
00:50:03,041 --> 00:50:04,833
and a nice girlie to sing with,
742
00:50:04,958 --> 00:50:07,041
I'll have something for
you to sign at the end.
743
00:50:07,166 --> 00:50:08,000
Number three.
744
00:50:17,625 --> 00:50:20,541
Hello ello ello, ladies
and gentlemen, now then,
745
00:50:20,666 --> 00:50:23,000
has anyone seen a
lion around here?
746
00:50:23,125 --> 00:50:25,083
Will you help me call
him, would you do that?
747
00:50:25,208 --> 00:50:26,333
That'd be wonderful.
748
00:50:26,458 --> 00:50:27,791
-Leo!
-Leo!
749
00:50:27,916 --> 00:50:29,958
Bloody hell, thank
you very much, lady.
750
00:50:30,083 --> 00:50:32,500
Right, oh, here he is, here.
751
00:50:36,833 --> 00:50:38,083
Hello Leo.
752
00:50:38,208 --> 00:50:40,541
Hello, hello everybody--
753
00:50:40,666 --> 00:50:41,750
Thank you.
754
00:50:41,875 --> 00:50:43,500
We haven't even started yet.
755
00:50:43,625 --> 00:50:44,583
Thank you.
756
00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:45,916
Could we at least do a song?
757
00:50:46,041 --> 00:50:47,875
♪ Born free
758
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,083
As free as the wind blows--
759
00:50:50,208 --> 00:50:50,916
Stop!
760
00:50:52,291 --> 00:50:55,958
Not quite what I'm
looking for, thank you.
761
00:50:56,083 --> 00:50:56,958
Twat.
762
00:50:58,333 --> 00:50:59,791
What did you say?
763
00:50:59,916 --> 00:51:02,958
Nothing, I didn't say anything.
764
00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:04,375
It were him.
765
00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:06,166
But you are a bastard anyway.
766
00:51:11,166 --> 00:51:12,125
Number four.
767
00:51:13,583 --> 00:51:15,041
Number five.
768
00:51:15,166 --> 00:51:16,708
Number six.
769
00:51:16,833 --> 00:51:19,625
What am I, a fucking
bingo caller?
770
00:51:21,125 --> 00:51:24,333
Number seven, anyone
there, number seven?
771
00:51:47,791 --> 00:51:50,166
Um.
772
00:51:50,291 --> 00:51:51,041
Ready.
773
00:51:54,666 --> 00:51:57,375
Off you go, love,
people waiting.
774
00:52:02,208 --> 00:52:03,958
I haven't got the
time, actually,
775
00:52:04,083 --> 00:52:07,333
so would you mind shitting or
getting off the pot, please?
776
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:18,000
We're ready.
777
00:52:24,125 --> 00:52:25,291
Off you go.
778
00:52:25,416 --> 00:52:27,750
Come on, people waiting.
779
00:52:31,541 --> 00:52:34,666
So the other day, I went
into this laundry shop
780
00:52:34,791 --> 00:52:37,208
and I said to a woman there,
781
00:52:37,333 --> 00:52:39,583
"Excuse me, I'd like to try
them knickers on,
782
00:52:39,708 --> 00:52:41,375
"in your window."
783
00:52:41,500 --> 00:52:42,458
She laughed, she said, "you'll
have to go in the bloody
784
00:52:42,583 --> 00:52:43,958
"Queue like everybody else."
785
00:52:44,083 --> 00:52:45,750
My fathers got a right
good job, he has,
786
00:52:45,875 --> 00:52:48,333
he's got 500 men under him,
he's working in his garage
787
00:52:48,458 --> 00:52:51,333
-oh sorry.
-Jokes, is it?
788
00:52:51,458 --> 00:52:54,458
Yeah.
789
00:52:55,541 --> 00:52:57,125
Do you like jokes?
790
00:52:57,250 --> 00:53:00,625
They're all right,
if you like laughing.
791
00:53:01,833 --> 00:53:03,291
Did you hear the one
about the dyslexic
792
00:53:03,416 --> 00:53:07,375
Satan worshiper? He
sold his soul to Santa.
793
00:54:17,416 --> 00:54:18,166
Stupid.
794
00:54:21,208 --> 00:54:22,750
I told you, didn't I?
795
00:54:22,875 --> 00:54:27,166
I fucking told ya, I told
ya what'd happen, eh?!
796
00:54:32,750 --> 00:54:35,333
I won't swallow it.
797
00:54:35,458 --> 00:54:36,375
What?
798
00:54:36,500 --> 00:54:38,666
This, anymore.
799
00:54:39,958 --> 00:54:42,208
What are you talking
about, you silly twat?
800
00:54:42,333 --> 00:54:45,500
It's over, Bob, no more.
801
00:54:45,625 --> 00:54:48,583
Get in there and get me
something to fucking eat!
802
00:54:48,708 --> 00:54:49,500
No!
803
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:53,750
Right, well you're
not fucking going anywhere.
804
00:54:59,541 --> 00:55:03,208
You think its,
805
00:55:04,333 --> 00:55:07,208
I know who I am.
806
00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:08,625
Listen to me.
807
00:55:08,750 --> 00:55:09,541
-Listen to me!
808
00:55:09,666 --> 00:55:11,333
Listen to me!
809
00:55:11,458 --> 00:55:15,625
I'm telling ya, you've got
fucking nothing to come!
810
00:55:15,750 --> 00:55:18,166
-Listen!
811
00:55:27,583 --> 00:55:29,875
Oh God.
812
00:55:59,916 --> 00:56:04,916
♪ Love me
813
00:56:06,375 --> 00:56:11,250
♪ Just a little bit more
814
00:56:15,208 --> 00:56:20,208
♪ Yeah and love me
815
00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:25,291
♪ Like you did before
816
00:56:33,041 --> 00:56:37,708
♪ I'm not asking you
to buy me the moon ♪
817
00:56:37,833 --> 00:56:40,791
-That's yours.
818
00:56:40,916 --> 00:56:42,666
-♪ I just want you
-Thank you very much,
819
00:56:42,791 --> 00:56:44,208
enjoy the book.
820
00:56:44,333 --> 00:56:48,000
♪ Come back soon and love me
821
00:56:50,458 --> 00:56:51,291
Right then.
822
00:56:52,333 --> 00:56:53,291
Hello.
823
00:56:55,375 --> 00:56:56,541
Right then what?
824
00:57:00,916 --> 00:57:03,000
You can start rescuing.
825
00:57:06,708 --> 00:57:08,833
What's happened?
826
00:57:08,958 --> 00:57:10,791
I'm here now.
827
00:57:10,916 --> 00:57:12,333
I'm here with you.
828
00:57:13,750 --> 00:57:16,333
I've come to share the tragedy.
829
00:57:18,666 --> 00:57:19,666
All right.
830
00:57:21,916 --> 00:57:23,208
Oh well that's,
831
00:57:26,958 --> 00:57:28,333
that's wonderful.
832
00:57:30,958 --> 00:57:32,708
It's really wonderful.
833
00:57:53,416 --> 00:57:56,791
Fucking hell.
834
00:58:14,500 --> 00:58:15,375
Fucking hell.
835
00:58:20,583 --> 00:58:21,750
Fucking hell.
836
00:58:28,083 --> 00:58:31,625
Fuck me.
837
00:58:31,750 --> 00:58:34,750
Fucking hell, two
fucking bathrooms?
838
00:58:50,583 --> 00:58:51,458
Fucking hell.
839
00:58:58,291 --> 00:59:00,375
-Fucking hell.
840
00:59:11,166 --> 00:59:12,250
Cup of tea?
841
00:59:13,583 --> 00:59:17,041
Fucking hell.
842
01:00:06,708 --> 01:00:07,916
I've left him.
843
01:00:08,833 --> 01:00:09,625
Oh aye?
844
01:00:13,291 --> 01:00:14,500
Leaving prison?
845
01:00:16,291 --> 01:00:17,708
Something to remind me.
846
01:00:17,833 --> 01:00:18,625
Aye.
847
01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:27,458
Can't go on living a lie.
848
01:00:27,583 --> 01:00:28,500
Can't you?
849
01:00:30,083 --> 01:00:31,083
It's a pity.
850
01:00:32,333 --> 01:00:34,083
-You think I should,
851
01:00:34,208 --> 01:00:35,000
don't ya?
852
01:00:37,125 --> 01:00:39,500
It's not weak to leave, mom.
853
01:00:41,583 --> 01:00:43,750
It's weak to stay.
854
01:00:43,875 --> 01:00:44,666
Is it?
855
01:01:15,875 --> 01:01:19,375
I went to see a
counselor, a therapist,
856
01:01:21,416 --> 01:01:25,250
and he said, "You need to learn
857
01:01:25,375 --> 01:01:29,875
"to cultivate a more
fatalistic approach to life,
858
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:32,666
"learn that it's better
just to let life happen."
859
01:01:35,083 --> 01:01:37,875
I wanted to smack
him in the face.
860
01:01:39,708 --> 01:01:42,875
Be somebody else, is
that what he meant?
861
01:01:44,166 --> 01:01:45,583
How can I do that?
862
01:01:48,750 --> 01:01:50,166
So that is it, it's
863
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:54,083
it's that or face the madness?
864
01:01:55,208 --> 01:01:57,583
The monster behind the eyes.
865
01:01:58,666 --> 01:02:01,708
And this therapist,
he gave me tablets,
866
01:02:01,833 --> 01:02:03,416
to hold me together,
867
01:02:04,625 --> 01:02:07,041
give me level playing field,
868
01:02:08,250 --> 01:02:10,500
give me a chance, he said.
869
01:02:13,208 --> 01:02:18,208
But then you just cut adrift
with a trail of tablets
870
01:02:19,375 --> 01:02:21,750
to get you back and
well, that's too scary.
871
01:02:24,291 --> 01:02:28,750
You can't hold onto tablets
when you're drowning.
872
01:02:28,875 --> 01:02:29,625
Too small.
873
01:03:00,916 --> 01:03:04,041
You meet different
people, don't you?
874
01:03:05,250 --> 01:03:08,083
Educated people,
articulate people.
875
01:03:08,208 --> 01:03:11,708
[lighter clicking]
876
01:03:11,833 --> 01:03:13,041
And you think,
877
01:03:14,541 --> 01:03:18,291
I'm one of them, oh thank
God, I'm one of them.
878
01:03:19,208 --> 01:03:20,791
And then one day,
879
01:03:20,916 --> 01:03:24,708
hits you over the back of
the head like a hammer.
880
01:03:24,833 --> 01:03:27,708
You don't belong
with them either
881
01:03:27,833 --> 01:03:29,416
because they're so
wrapped up in themselves,
882
01:03:29,541 --> 01:03:32,208
they can't feel anything
883
01:03:32,333 --> 01:03:35,125
and they're scared
and judgemental
884
01:03:36,333 --> 01:03:38,166
and too busy trying
to insulate themselves
885
01:03:38,291 --> 01:03:39,916
against the cold winds
that are gonna topple them
886
01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:41,666
and it don't matter how high
or they hold their head,
887
01:03:41,791 --> 01:03:45,291
they're still gonna get a whiff
of the shit that they're in.
888
01:03:45,416 --> 01:03:46,666
You end up becoming the person
889
01:03:46,791 --> 01:03:49,791
you're pretending
to be, don't ya?
890
01:03:49,916 --> 01:03:51,000
Invent yourself.
891
01:03:53,625 --> 01:03:56,416
It always felt
like a film to me,
892
01:03:56,541 --> 01:04:00,291
like I'm playing meself
in a film, you know.
893
01:04:00,416 --> 01:04:02,166
There's a big party, many
standing on the side,
894
01:04:02,291 --> 01:04:05,291
you know, watching you perform.
895
01:04:05,416 --> 01:04:08,250
Oh and I've always been
writing me autobiography.
896
01:04:08,375 --> 01:04:12,333
Hm, you know and if the
story didn't fit all right,
897
01:04:12,458 --> 01:04:16,333
I didn't like the version
of meself, well then,
898
01:04:17,416 --> 01:04:18,708
I'd spit it out.
899
01:04:21,833 --> 01:04:23,041
Or swallow it.
900
01:04:40,916 --> 01:04:42,041
Hello?
901
01:05:19,750 --> 01:05:22,000
-Jesus!
902
01:05:22,125 --> 01:05:25,666
You frightened the
bloody life out of me!
903
01:05:26,875 --> 01:05:29,750
Christ, haven't you got
anything better to do?
904
01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:32,083
Not that I can think of.
905
01:05:32,208 --> 01:05:33,958
Oh Angus.
906
01:05:34,083 --> 01:05:37,500
There's a terrible smell
of brown ale in here.
907
01:05:40,333 --> 01:05:41,333
S'cuse me.
908
01:05:42,750 --> 01:05:45,791
Fart ass.
909
01:05:49,208 --> 01:05:51,166
Happy?
910
01:05:51,291 --> 01:05:52,750
You what?
911
01:05:52,875 --> 01:05:55,708
Are you happy?
912
01:05:55,833 --> 01:05:56,833
Delirious.
913
01:05:58,000 --> 01:06:01,125
You know what I meant.
914
01:06:01,250 --> 01:06:02,875
No I don't.
915
01:06:03,000 --> 01:06:04,458
It's a simple enough question.
916
01:06:04,583 --> 01:06:08,583
It isn't though, is it?
917
01:06:08,708 --> 01:06:10,916
Happiness comes and goes.
918
01:06:11,041 --> 01:06:15,041
[sighs] I can't walk around
grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
919
01:06:15,166 --> 01:06:17,041
I'm just not like that.
920
01:06:18,958 --> 01:06:20,541
Know what I think?
921
01:06:20,666 --> 01:06:23,125
What?
922
01:06:26,500 --> 01:06:28,333
I think we should have children.
923
01:06:28,458 --> 01:06:30,958
Why, are you pregnant?
924
01:06:31,083 --> 01:06:33,250
Can you imagine our child?
925
01:06:35,375 --> 01:06:37,958
You'd be an amazing mother.
926
01:06:38,083 --> 01:06:39,250
Are you mad?
927
01:06:39,375 --> 01:06:40,833
No, you would.
928
01:06:40,958 --> 01:06:43,625
You really would, it'd
be the making of you.
929
01:06:43,750 --> 01:06:45,958
You'd take to it
like a duck to water.
930
01:06:46,083 --> 01:06:47,208
No.
931
01:06:47,333 --> 01:06:48,708
You don't have to answer now.
932
01:06:48,833 --> 01:06:51,375
I don't want children.
933
01:06:51,500 --> 01:06:52,208
I don't.
934
01:06:52,333 --> 01:06:53,291
Can't say that.
935
01:06:53,416 --> 01:06:54,833
I can't, all right,
936
01:06:54,958 --> 01:06:56,916
so now you're telling
me what I can't say?
937
01:06:57,041 --> 01:07:00,333
All I meant, never say never.
938
01:07:00,458 --> 01:07:03,875
All right, that's
all I meant by that.
939
01:07:04,000 --> 01:07:06,708
You'll change your
mind, you'll see.
940
01:07:06,833 --> 01:07:08,125
I won't though.
941
01:07:09,958 --> 01:07:12,208
I've already had an abortion.
942
01:07:13,208 --> 01:07:14,291
What?
943
01:07:14,416 --> 01:07:15,416
You heard.
944
01:07:17,041 --> 01:07:17,833
Bob's.
945
01:07:21,458 --> 01:07:22,291
Well,
946
01:07:24,000 --> 01:07:26,375
you weren't meant to be
with him anyway, were you?
947
01:07:30,708 --> 01:07:31,916
It's all right.
948
01:07:32,958 --> 01:07:36,000
It's not a problem,
I'm all right with it.
949
01:07:36,125 --> 01:07:38,958
Thank you, that's
very big of ya.
950
01:07:44,291 --> 01:07:45,708
Are you sulking?
951
01:07:45,833 --> 01:07:47,041
No.
952
01:07:47,166 --> 01:07:51,083
I'm just being honest.
953
01:07:51,208 --> 01:07:53,916
That's what you want from
me, isn't it, honesty?
954
01:07:56,708 --> 01:07:59,000
I can't have children, Angus.
955
01:08:00,458 --> 01:08:02,000
Not physically,
956
01:08:02,125 --> 01:08:03,208
not mentally.
957
01:08:04,625 --> 01:08:07,041
I shouldn't be allowed
to have children.
958
01:08:07,166 --> 01:08:08,916
Somebody needs to
break the circle.
959
01:08:09,041 --> 01:08:10,500
What circle?
960
01:08:10,625 --> 01:08:13,291
Monkey see, monkey do
and I do and I would.
961
01:08:13,416 --> 01:08:15,500
So I won't have children.
962
01:08:16,958 --> 01:08:18,125
So now you know.
963
01:08:21,083 --> 01:08:22,083
All right.
964
01:08:23,125 --> 01:08:24,958
We'll see, won't we?
965
01:08:45,958 --> 01:08:47,208
What's wrong?
966
01:08:47,333 --> 01:08:49,625
Just feeling a bit rough.
967
01:08:49,750 --> 01:08:50,791
Rough?
968
01:08:50,916 --> 01:08:52,958
You look terrible,
969
01:08:53,083 --> 01:08:54,583
what's wrong?
970
01:08:54,708 --> 01:08:56,916
I aren't a doctor, am I?
971
01:08:57,833 --> 01:09:00,333
[door clatters]
972
01:09:00,458 --> 01:09:02,166
Where does it hurt?
973
01:09:02,291 --> 01:09:07,000
Sheffield, Leeds, Barnsley,
it bloody kills in Barnsley.
974
01:09:08,333 --> 01:09:09,166
Oh. [grunts]
975
01:09:09,291 --> 01:09:11,125
Should I get someone?
976
01:09:11,250 --> 01:09:13,833
Yeah, get Rachel Welch.
977
01:09:13,958 --> 01:09:16,916
Tell her I need mouth
to mouth or a cock rub,
978
01:09:17,041 --> 01:09:18,000
either'll do.
979
01:09:18,125 --> 01:09:18,916
Stop it.
980
01:09:26,708 --> 01:09:30,625
Just got here, I'm on
in an hour and a half.
981
01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:31,958
Well you can't.
982
01:09:32,083 --> 01:09:34,000
I've got to, be right.
983
01:09:35,500 --> 01:09:37,291
Yeah, well let's get you inside.
984
01:09:37,416 --> 01:09:39,083
-Come on.
985
01:09:43,916 --> 01:09:45,750
Watch your head.
986
01:09:52,583 --> 01:09:54,708
-Lenny,
987
01:09:54,833 --> 01:09:56,041
there you are.
988
01:10:01,291 --> 01:10:02,750
You all right, lad?
989
01:10:04,541 --> 01:10:06,958
I can't go on, Danny.
990
01:10:07,083 --> 01:10:08,375
You can't go on?
991
01:10:08,500 --> 01:10:09,958
What on earth are
you talking about?
992
01:10:10,083 --> 01:10:11,958
Hey you have to go on, I
confirmed you last week.
993
01:10:12,083 --> 01:10:12,750
Course you can go on.
994
01:10:12,875 --> 01:10:14,458
He's poorly.
995
01:10:14,583 --> 01:10:16,958
Come on, shit, shower,
shampoo, you know the rest.
996
01:10:17,083 --> 01:10:18,791
No, I'm finished.
997
01:10:19,958 --> 01:10:22,041
Not just tonight.
998
01:10:22,166 --> 01:10:23,041
Full stop.
999
01:10:24,333 --> 01:10:27,208
I'm packing it in,
Danny, I've had enough.
1000
01:10:27,333 --> 01:10:29,083
Look look, do this
spot tonight--
1001
01:10:29,208 --> 01:10:30,041
No, I'm done.
1002
01:10:30,166 --> 01:10:31,541
Do this spot tonight
1003
01:10:31,666 --> 01:10:33,125
and then come and see me
in the office tomorrow,
1004
01:10:33,250 --> 01:10:35,125
-we'll have a chat--
-Will you be said?
1005
01:10:35,250 --> 01:10:36,041
No more.
1006
01:10:37,500 --> 01:10:40,458
Right, so what do I
tell to Consack then?
1007
01:10:40,583 --> 01:10:42,791
Tell him you don't feel like it?
1008
01:10:42,916 --> 01:10:44,500
See, I've got a reputation.
1009
01:10:44,625 --> 01:10:46,750
Years to build, seconds to lose,
1010
01:10:46,875 --> 01:10:48,750
I don't think I'm gonna be
able to find a replacement
1011
01:10:48,875 --> 01:10:51,125
this time, Saturday, so
you'll just have to go on.
1012
01:10:51,250 --> 01:10:53,041
You don't need no one.
1013
01:10:53,166 --> 01:10:55,833
Put this one on, she'll
not let you down.
1014
01:10:55,958 --> 01:10:57,416
Lenny, they're
expecting a comic,
1015
01:10:57,541 --> 01:10:59,625
not a singer or whatever it is.
1016
01:10:59,750 --> 01:11:01,125
She is a comic.
1017
01:11:01,250 --> 01:11:02,250
-I don't think so--
-I am, I am,
1018
01:11:02,375 --> 01:11:04,291
that's what I am, I'm a comic.
1019
01:11:04,416 --> 01:11:08,875
Listen love, that lot out
there will tear you to pieces.
1020
01:11:09,000 --> 01:11:10,625
Hon, they'll sniff
you and dig you out
1021
01:11:10,750 --> 01:11:13,125
as soon as you open your
mouth, possibly even before.
1022
01:11:13,250 --> 01:11:14,416
Well I'll conquer 'em with love.
1023
01:11:14,541 --> 01:11:15,625
Oh love?
1024
01:11:15,750 --> 01:11:17,500
Well good luck with that.
1025
01:11:17,625 --> 01:11:19,041
She can do it.
1026
01:11:19,166 --> 01:11:21,250
She's a funny cow.
1027
01:11:21,375 --> 01:11:22,583
Like he said,
1028
01:11:22,708 --> 01:11:25,166
you won't find anyone else.
1029
01:11:25,291 --> 01:11:27,083
I'll do it for nowt.
1030
01:11:30,458 --> 01:11:34,333
Right, you do 10 minutes.
1031
01:11:34,458 --> 01:11:37,333
I'll speak with the concert.
1032
01:11:37,458 --> 01:11:38,958
Don't fuck it up.
1033
01:11:46,166 --> 01:11:49,208
Shit. [chuckles]
1034
01:11:49,333 --> 01:11:53,291
♪ I wouldn't want to
1035
01:11:53,416 --> 01:11:57,083
♪ Lower the tone
1036
01:11:57,208 --> 01:12:01,416
♪ But you know there's
still a little ♪
1037
01:12:01,541 --> 01:12:04,083
♪ Spare meat on the bone
1038
01:12:04,208 --> 01:12:09,208
♪ Oh I still want you
1039
01:12:13,250 --> 01:12:18,250
♪ Oh I still want you
1040
01:12:21,541 --> 01:12:26,541
♪ Oh I still want you
1041
01:12:30,416 --> 01:12:34,541
♪ Until the sun goes cold
1042
01:12:34,666 --> 01:12:39,666
♪ No need to breath all alone
1043
01:12:40,375 --> 01:12:43,208
♪ Oh I still want you
1044
01:13:01,541 --> 01:13:03,791
Bloody marvelous,
did you enjoy that?
1045
01:13:05,333 --> 01:13:07,125
Marvelous, now then,
1046
01:13:07,250 --> 01:13:10,416
let's have a big Crook Club
welcome for your next turn,
1047
01:13:10,541 --> 01:13:13,875
put your hands together
for the Funny Cow.
1048
01:13:27,500 --> 01:13:30,208
Thank you, thank you very much.
1049
01:13:30,333 --> 01:13:33,458
I love a a warm
hand on me entrance.
1050
01:13:33,583 --> 01:13:35,708
Anyway, [clears throat] I
was sat home the other day
1051
01:13:35,833 --> 01:13:37,458
and there was a
knock at the door.
1052
01:13:37,583 --> 01:13:38,833
So I get up and I go to the door
1053
01:13:38,958 --> 01:13:40,666
and there's a fellow
standing there
1054
01:13:40,791 --> 01:13:44,250
and he says, "Hello love, do
you believe in free speech?"
1055
01:13:44,375 --> 01:13:45,708
I says, "Yes, I do."
1056
01:13:45,833 --> 01:13:46,791
He says, "Great, can
I use your phone?"
1057
01:13:46,916 --> 01:13:47,708
Can I use your phone?
1058
01:14:02,083 --> 01:14:03,208
You've ruined me act.
1059
01:14:03,333 --> 01:14:04,041
What act?
1060
01:14:04,166 --> 01:14:05,208
You're shit!
1061
01:14:05,333 --> 01:14:07,333
Oh no no, you've ruined it.
1062
01:14:07,458 --> 01:14:09,125
I was just gonna do an
impression of a cunt
1063
01:14:09,250 --> 01:14:10,208
and you beat me to it.
1064
01:14:15,583 --> 01:14:18,166
-Get your tits out!
1065
01:14:18,291 --> 01:14:22,250
If your cock was as big as
your mouth, I'd think about it.
1066
01:14:22,375 --> 01:14:24,666
Oh, oh, by the way,
by the way, excuse me,
1067
01:14:24,791 --> 01:14:28,500
what do you call a woman
who likes small cocks?
1068
01:14:28,625 --> 01:14:31,458
What's your name, love?
1069
01:14:31,583 --> 01:14:34,208
Janet!
1070
01:14:34,333 --> 01:14:35,291
She's heard it!
1071
01:14:38,083 --> 01:14:40,250
Anyway, right, there
were these three blokes,
1072
01:14:40,375 --> 01:14:43,708
sat in a pub, all sat at
separate tables, having a pint,
1073
01:14:43,833 --> 01:14:45,916
they're a puff, they're a Paki
1074
01:14:46,041 --> 01:14:47,791
and there was this
English bloke,
1075
01:14:47,916 --> 01:14:51,125
out of nowhere appears
this fairy godmother.
1076
01:14:51,250 --> 01:14:54,708
She says, "I've come
to grant you one wish,
1077
01:14:55,875 --> 01:14:57,958
"all of ya, one wish each.
1078
01:14:58,083 --> 01:15:01,458
"Whatever you want, your
wish is my command."
1079
01:15:01,583 --> 01:15:03,333
So she goes back to
Paki and she says,
1080
01:15:03,458 --> 01:15:06,708
"So, sunshine, what
would you like?"
1081
01:15:06,833 --> 01:15:09,291
And he thinks about it
for a second and he says,
1082
01:15:09,416 --> 01:15:11,250
"You know what I am thinking,
1083
01:15:11,375 --> 01:15:13,916
"I would like to
take all my friends
1084
01:15:14,041 --> 01:15:16,750
"and all my family
and all my people,"
1085
01:15:16,875 --> 01:15:19,375
-he's a Welsh Paki by the way,
-[audience laughs]
1086
01:15:19,500 --> 01:15:22,916
he says, "and I'd like to
take them back all to Pakistan
1087
01:15:23,041 --> 01:15:25,416
"where we can live
happy ever after
1088
01:15:25,541 --> 01:15:27,958
"with no bother, no racism."
1089
01:15:28,083 --> 01:15:30,041
So she says, "Great,
right, there you go,
1090
01:15:30,166 --> 01:15:32,250
"there is your wish granted."
1091
01:15:32,375 --> 01:15:33,750
Anyway, she turns to
the puff and she says,
1092
01:15:33,875 --> 01:15:35,250
"Hello sweetheart,
what would you like?"
1093
01:15:35,375 --> 01:15:38,166
He says, "Well actually,
you know what I'd like?"
1094
01:15:38,291 --> 01:15:41,916
He says, "I'd like me
and all my bum chums
1095
01:15:42,041 --> 01:15:43,833
"to go and live on a big island
1096
01:15:43,958 --> 01:15:45,875
"in the middle of
the Pacific Ocean
1097
01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:50,583
"where we can live free and
happy and no one to bother us."
1098
01:15:50,708 --> 01:15:53,416
She says, "All right,
your wish granted."
1099
01:15:53,541 --> 01:15:56,750
Anyway, English
fellow sat there, just
finished off his pint
1100
01:15:56,875 --> 01:15:59,791
and she says, "All right,
sunshine, what would you like?"
1101
01:15:59,916 --> 01:16:01,375
And he sits and he
looks at her, he says,
1102
01:16:01,500 --> 01:16:04,250
"Eh, can you just run
those past me again?"
1103
01:16:04,375 --> 01:16:06,000
She says, "Yeah."
1104
01:16:06,125 --> 01:16:07,708
He says, "So, Paki, he
wants to go back to Pakistan
1105
01:16:07,833 --> 01:16:09,416
"with all his family and
friends and all his kind."
1106
01:16:09,541 --> 01:16:11,250
"Yeah," she says.
1107
01:16:11,375 --> 01:16:12,958
He says, "And puff, he wants
to go and live on an island
1108
01:16:13,083 --> 01:16:14,750
"in the middle of the Pacific
1109
01:16:14,875 --> 01:16:17,291
"and bum himself into oblivion
with all his bum chums?"
1110
01:16:17,416 --> 01:16:18,958
She says, "Yes."
1111
01:16:19,083 --> 01:16:21,583
So he sits, he stares
into his pint and he says,
1112
01:16:21,708 --> 01:16:23,583
"You know what, I'll
just have another pint."
1113
01:16:28,208 --> 01:16:29,875
Get off, splitter!
1114
01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,375
Hey no, I'm getting 50 quid
to make a twat of meself,
1115
01:16:32,500 --> 01:16:33,541
what are you getting?
1116
01:16:37,041 --> 01:16:39,208
Oh wait, me mother
rang the other night.
1117
01:16:39,333 --> 01:16:42,083
Oh, she were distraught,
she were awful.
1118
01:16:42,208 --> 01:16:43,208
I says, "You all right?"
1119
01:16:43,333 --> 01:16:44,333
She says, "No love, I'm not."
1120
01:16:44,458 --> 01:16:45,500
I says, "What's the matter?"
1121
01:16:45,625 --> 01:16:47,500
She says, "It's your father."
1122
01:16:47,625 --> 01:16:50,000
She says, "I've just
come back from doctors
1123
01:16:50,125 --> 01:16:54,958
"and he's been diagnosed
with Alzheimer's and V.D."
1124
01:16:55,083 --> 01:16:56,375
I says, "Oh."
1125
01:16:56,500 --> 01:16:58,750
She says, "Yes,
the worst thing is,
1126
01:16:58,875 --> 01:17:02,500
"I've left back door open
and he's disappeared.
1127
01:17:02,625 --> 01:17:03,875
I says, "Well mother,
if he comes back,
1128
01:17:04,000 --> 01:17:06,041
"whatever you do,
don't fuck him."
1129
01:17:06,166 --> 01:17:07,750
I'll fuck you!
1130
01:17:07,875 --> 01:17:09,750
Sit down.
1131
01:17:09,875 --> 01:17:13,958
You couldn't fuck your way
out of a paper bag sunshine.
1132
01:17:18,583 --> 01:17:19,833
I'm gonna get home
1133
01:17:19,958 --> 01:17:22,166
and get some fucking
help from you!
1134
01:17:22,291 --> 01:17:27,291
Why don't you shut your mouth,
you big, ugly, boring cunt.
1135
01:17:31,291 --> 01:17:34,208
You're so ugly,
when you were born,
1136
01:17:34,333 --> 01:17:36,916
midwife slapped your mother.
1137
01:17:37,041 --> 01:17:38,875
You're so boring,
when you're wanking,
1138
01:17:39,000 --> 01:17:41,208
your wrists fall asleep.
1139
01:17:41,333 --> 01:17:42,458
Yeah, fuck off!
1140
01:17:45,041 --> 01:17:47,708
Hey hey now, oh,
what's the difference
1141
01:17:47,833 --> 01:17:49,958
between jam and marmalade?
1142
01:17:51,166 --> 01:17:53,166
You can't marmalade your
cock up a bird's ass.
1143
01:18:33,541 --> 01:18:37,208
Confucius say, "Man who
drop what's in toilet
1144
01:18:37,333 --> 01:18:38,875
"have shitty time."
1145
01:18:44,541 --> 01:18:47,125
Hello incontinence help line?
1146
01:18:47,250 --> 01:18:48,291
Can you hold?
1147
01:19:08,458 --> 01:19:12,208
How many animals can
you fit on a toilet?
1148
01:19:12,333 --> 01:19:14,833
One pussy and a thousand hares.
1149
01:19:21,791 --> 01:19:26,625
Give a man a fish and he'll
feed himself for a day,
1150
01:19:26,750 --> 01:19:30,458
give a man hope and
he'll starve to death,
1151
01:19:30,583 --> 01:19:31,958
hoping for a fish.
1152
01:19:35,916 --> 01:19:37,583
Take my life, please.
1153
01:19:58,041 --> 01:19:59,500
Hey now, have any
of you read any
1154
01:19:59,625 --> 01:20:01,750
of them lonely hearts
adverts in the paper?
1155
01:20:01,875 --> 01:20:03,500
Lying bastards, aren't they?
1156
01:20:03,625 --> 01:20:05,750
Eh, lying bastards.
1157
01:20:05,875 --> 01:20:08,708
Ya can't believe
a word they say.
1158
01:20:08,833 --> 01:20:10,625
Honestly, adventurous?
1159
01:20:12,208 --> 01:20:13,791
That means I like anal.
1160
01:20:16,166 --> 01:20:17,541
Intelligent,
1161
01:20:17,666 --> 01:20:18,666
smelly fanny.
1162
01:20:22,833 --> 01:20:23,958
Curvy,
1163
01:20:24,083 --> 01:20:25,750
-fat twat.
1164
01:20:25,875 --> 01:20:27,166
Cuddly,
1165
01:20:29,500 --> 01:20:31,250
Likes eating out,
1166
01:20:31,375 --> 01:20:33,666
-lazy fat twat.
1167
01:20:38,166 --> 01:20:40,125
How was the wonderful Funny Cow?
1168
01:20:40,250 --> 01:20:42,708
Let's give it up for Funny Cow!
1169
01:20:42,833 --> 01:20:45,541
I mean it, I'll get you
double, there is money.
1170
01:20:45,666 --> 01:20:47,708
I'll keep you busy
five nights a week.
1171
01:20:47,833 --> 01:20:50,000
You sign with me, I'll
take you all the way.
1172
01:20:50,125 --> 01:20:51,083
Where to?
1173
01:20:51,208 --> 01:20:52,541
Where to?
1174
01:20:52,666 --> 01:20:54,583
Top of the greasy
pole, that's where.
1175
01:20:54,708 --> 01:20:56,583
I'm gonna make you
a star, darling.
1176
01:20:56,708 --> 01:20:57,916
Oh, twinkle, twinkle--
1177
01:20:58,041 --> 01:21:00,000
Oh, I mean it.
1178
01:21:00,125 --> 01:21:01,833
Don't tease me.
1179
01:21:01,958 --> 01:21:04,791
I'm not teasing, I don't
tease and I don't mess around
1180
01:21:04,916 --> 01:21:06,375
because I am all business.
1181
01:21:06,500 --> 01:21:09,416
Are ya, well I'm 40% cheese.
1182
01:21:15,791 --> 01:21:16,583
Lenny.
1183
01:21:24,708 --> 01:21:27,208
How now! what news?
1184
01:21:27,333 --> 01:21:29,000
He's almost supped.
1185
01:21:29,125 --> 01:21:30,708
Why have you left the chamber?
1186
01:21:30,833 --> 01:21:32,208
Has he asked for me?
1187
01:21:32,333 --> 01:21:34,791
Know you not he has?.
1188
01:21:34,916 --> 01:21:37,708
We will proceed no
further in this business.
1189
01:21:37,833 --> 01:21:39,750
He hath honored me of late
1190
01:21:39,875 --> 01:21:43,750
and I have bought
golden opinions from
all sorts of places.
1191
01:21:43,875 --> 01:21:45,791
Which would be worn
now in their newest gloss,
1192
01:21:45,916 --> 01:21:48,083
not cast aside so soon.
1193
01:21:48,208 --> 01:21:51,708
Was the hope drunk
wherein you dressed yourself?
1194
01:21:51,833 --> 01:21:54,208
Hath it slept since
and wakes it now
1195
01:21:54,333 --> 01:21:56,541
to look so green and pale?
1196
01:21:58,625 --> 01:21:59,458
Where did you go?
1197
01:21:59,583 --> 01:22:00,958
Barbados.
1198
01:22:01,083 --> 01:22:02,625
Sarcasm doesn't suit you,
you know that.
1199
01:22:02,750 --> 01:22:04,166
Oh, you don't think so?
1200
01:22:04,291 --> 01:22:05,625
That's a shame.
1201
01:22:05,750 --> 01:22:06,833
Why did you leave?
1202
01:22:06,958 --> 01:22:09,083
'Cause I was bored shitless.
1203
01:22:09,208 --> 01:22:10,833
Shakespeare?
1204
01:22:10,958 --> 01:22:12,250
You're telling me
Shakespeare's boring?
1205
01:22:12,375 --> 01:22:13,666
No, I'm telling
you, I was bored.
1206
01:22:13,791 --> 01:22:15,291
It's not my thing.
1207
01:22:15,416 --> 01:22:17,041
Well what is?
1208
01:22:17,166 --> 01:22:20,833
I don't know, not bleeding
pinky and bleeding perky.
1209
01:22:20,958 --> 01:22:22,750
It's because I'm
thick, all right.
1210
01:22:22,875 --> 01:22:24,833
No, no you're not
thick, far from it.
1211
01:22:24,958 --> 01:22:27,125
I can't understand
half of what they're saying
1212
01:22:27,250 --> 01:22:29,875
and then when they started
laughing, I wanted to kill 'em.
1213
01:22:30,000 --> 01:22:31,750
There's that bloke
sat behind us,
1214
01:22:31,875 --> 01:22:33,625
and he's mouthing the words
like he's in some sing along,
1215
01:22:33,750 --> 01:22:35,791
looking around, making sure
the audience are watching him.
1216
01:22:35,916 --> 01:22:37,791
You don't have to
be threatened by it.
1217
01:22:37,916 --> 01:22:39,250
Shakespeare's for everyone.
1218
01:22:39,375 --> 01:22:40,750
It's not though, is it?
1219
01:22:40,875 --> 01:22:43,750
Because you lot
have hijacked it.
1220
01:22:44,791 --> 01:22:46,291
You lot, what do
you mean by that?
1221
01:22:46,416 --> 01:22:48,791
Well you know, the educated.
1222
01:22:49,916 --> 01:22:51,916
Oh right, right, so,
1223
01:22:52,041 --> 01:22:55,625
would you rather that I
wasn't educated, is that it?
1224
01:22:55,750 --> 01:22:58,916
Would you rather I went to
the football, drank lager,
1225
01:22:59,041 --> 01:23:01,375
came home and beat you?
1226
01:23:01,500 --> 01:23:03,708
Would you like that, is that
it, is that what you prefer?
1227
01:23:03,833 --> 01:23:05,083
Drag my knuckles?
1228
01:23:05,208 --> 01:23:06,416
No, I prefer you
didn't bring me in
1229
01:23:06,541 --> 01:23:07,833
like some Liza
fucking Doolittle.
1230
01:23:07,958 --> 01:23:09,791
I just don't want it.
1231
01:23:10,875 --> 01:23:13,958
What do you think
my motivation was?
1232
01:23:14,083 --> 01:23:18,041
I just wanted you to enjoy it
with me, a shared experience.
1233
01:23:18,166 --> 01:23:20,916
I don't have some
fucking agenda.
1234
01:23:21,041 --> 01:23:22,500
I love you and I
wanted us to have
1235
01:23:22,625 --> 01:23:24,833
a really nice night out
together at the theater.
1236
01:23:24,958 --> 01:23:26,000
Is that so bad?
1237
01:23:26,833 --> 01:23:28,500
Well I don't.
1238
01:23:28,625 --> 01:23:29,916
You don't what?
1239
01:23:31,416 --> 01:23:32,291
Love you.
1240
01:23:39,166 --> 01:23:40,916
I'm sorry, Angus.
1241
01:23:41,041 --> 01:23:42,166
Really, I am.
1242
01:23:44,208 --> 01:23:46,583
I don't know how you,
1243
01:23:46,708 --> 01:23:48,375
I've been inside you.
1244
01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:50,916
I know.
1245
01:23:53,750 --> 01:23:55,333
Don't finish it.
1246
01:23:55,458 --> 01:23:57,833
Please, we're good together.
1247
01:23:58,708 --> 01:23:59,791
I can change.
1248
01:23:59,916 --> 01:24:01,166
I can and I will.
1249
01:24:02,625 --> 01:24:03,875
I don't want to be on my own.
1250
01:24:04,000 --> 01:24:06,250
I don't want to
be alone, please.
1251
01:24:06,375 --> 01:24:07,791
I've waited so long
for somebody like you--
1252
01:24:07,916 --> 01:24:10,833
Well you can't make me love you
1253
01:24:11,875 --> 01:24:13,833
because I can't love.
1254
01:24:15,041 --> 01:24:16,375
It's not you.
1255
01:24:16,500 --> 01:24:18,208
You're lovely and you're
funny and you're kind.
1256
01:24:18,333 --> 01:24:21,583
Well don't fucking
finish it then.
1257
01:24:21,708 --> 01:24:23,291
If all that's true,
don't finish it, please.
1258
01:24:23,416 --> 01:24:26,000
You are better off without me.
1259
01:24:27,583 --> 01:24:28,666
No.
1260
01:24:28,791 --> 01:24:30,958
No I'm not, I'm fucking not.
1261
01:24:31,083 --> 01:24:32,583
I'm a monster.
1262
01:24:32,708 --> 01:24:34,041
No.
1263
01:24:34,166 --> 01:24:36,375
I am, I'm barbaric
and I'm sentimental.
1264
01:24:36,500 --> 01:24:38,083
Is that the right word?
1265
01:24:38,208 --> 01:24:40,166
You know, I could kill
somebody, chop up their body
1266
01:24:40,291 --> 01:24:44,083
and put in a tart and
biscuits and I'm fucked!
1267
01:24:46,083 --> 01:24:48,791
You don't tell me to shut up.
1268
01:24:48,916 --> 01:24:50,916
You don't tell me to be quiet.
1269
01:24:51,041 --> 01:24:53,083
Of course I don't,
why would I do that?
1270
01:24:53,208 --> 01:24:54,083
I love you.
1271
01:24:56,000 --> 01:24:57,708
That is love to me.
1272
01:24:58,916 --> 01:25:00,916
And it's not your fault.
1273
01:25:03,958 --> 01:25:04,916
I'm going now.
1274
01:25:06,208 --> 01:25:08,583
Where are you going?
1275
01:25:08,708 --> 01:25:11,875
You're going back to him so he
can squash you and beat you?
1276
01:25:15,291 --> 01:25:16,083
No.
1277
01:25:18,708 --> 01:25:19,958
Take care, Angus.
1278
01:25:21,625 --> 01:25:23,458
If you knew how much
I was hurting inside,
1279
01:25:23,583 --> 01:25:26,416
you wouldn't do
this, you wouldn't.
1280
01:25:26,541 --> 01:25:27,541
Bye Angus.
1281
01:26:26,125 --> 01:26:27,333
How you doing?
1282
01:26:35,875 --> 01:26:38,458
I was waiting for you to come.
1283
01:26:39,958 --> 01:26:42,458
I didn't know if
you were gonna come.
1284
01:26:46,041 --> 01:26:49,000
I wouldn't have blamed
you if you didn't come.
1285
01:26:56,041 --> 01:26:58,750
This
1286
01:27:01,250 --> 01:27:03,750
makes me deaf when
I take it off.
1287
01:27:03,875 --> 01:27:06,166
It's a shame 'cause
it suits you.
1288
01:27:09,250 --> 01:27:10,958
Look at me hands.
1289
01:27:17,875 --> 01:27:19,041
I've been waiting
for you to come
1290
01:27:19,166 --> 01:27:21,458
'cause I wanted to tell ya,
1291
01:27:25,958 --> 01:27:26,750
really
1292
01:27:28,666 --> 01:27:30,041
I'm really sorry.
1293
01:27:32,041 --> 01:27:34,166
For everything that went on.
1294
01:27:35,083 --> 01:27:36,041
And um,
1295
01:27:38,083 --> 01:27:38,833
and um,
1296
01:27:42,250 --> 01:27:44,541
I'm sorry for shouting at you.
1297
01:27:45,916 --> 01:27:48,958
I'm sorry for all
the shouting at you,
1298
01:27:49,083 --> 01:27:50,875
'cause you didn't deserve it.
1299
01:27:51,000 --> 01:27:51,875
Sorry that.
1300
01:27:53,291 --> 01:27:55,625
Yet I know, you had to go
1301
01:27:55,750 --> 01:27:58,333
and you should have gone before.
1302
01:28:00,416 --> 01:28:01,208
Come here.
1303
01:28:08,791 --> 01:28:10,750
Can't move me thing.
1304
01:28:10,875 --> 01:28:11,666
Come here.
1305
01:28:13,875 --> 01:28:14,666
Come here.
1306
01:28:18,333 --> 01:28:20,041
-Sorry.
-I know.
1307
01:28:20,166 --> 01:28:20,958
Sorry.
1308
01:28:27,208 --> 01:28:28,083
I'm sleeping.
1309
01:29:43,000 --> 01:29:43,750
Bye Bob!
1310
01:29:49,958 --> 01:29:54,916
♪ Now she'll never play those
haunted music halls again ♪
1311
01:29:56,250 --> 01:30:01,250
♪ Something better's coming
and it's just around the bend ♪
1312
01:30:03,000 --> 01:30:07,958
♪ She will not forget her
roots or where it all began ♪
1313
01:30:09,666 --> 01:30:14,666
♪ One click of those ruby
slippers and she's home again ♪
1314
01:30:19,583 --> 01:30:22,208
♪ She's a funny cow
1315
01:30:37,291 --> 01:30:38,208
Oh God.
1316
01:31:06,125 --> 01:31:07,583
-Here.
1317
01:31:07,708 --> 01:31:09,000
Let me do that.
1318
01:31:14,291 --> 01:31:16,166
Are you gonna
carry on like this?
1319
01:31:18,458 --> 01:31:21,208
Thought I might, yeah.
1320
01:31:27,291 --> 01:31:29,875
You are gonna drink
yourself to death!
1321
01:31:31,250 --> 01:31:32,458
-Give it me!
-Well,
1322
01:31:32,583 --> 01:31:35,208
I was born in a stall weren't I!
1323
01:31:42,291 --> 01:31:44,875
It's bloody cold in here, mom.
1324
01:31:46,041 --> 01:31:47,916
It's cold everywhere.
1325
01:31:49,708 --> 01:31:52,041
You're like a little bird.
1326
01:32:02,416 --> 01:32:05,125
I wanna do something for you.
1327
01:32:05,250 --> 01:32:06,916
-Do ya?
-Yeah, I do.
1328
01:32:13,958 --> 01:32:17,666
I know it's not been right, us.
1329
01:32:20,375 --> 01:32:23,166
And I know you
don't like to talk.
1330
01:32:25,583 --> 01:32:28,875
But want to take
you to the coast,
1331
01:32:29,000 --> 01:32:29,791
to live.
1332
01:32:32,291 --> 01:32:33,291
If you like.
1333
01:32:35,500 --> 01:32:36,625
I'll buy you a place.
1334
01:32:42,375 --> 01:32:46,625
I'm no kind of a
mother. [sobbing]
1335
01:32:58,791 --> 01:33:02,625
Drink myself stupid. [sniffs]
1336
01:33:02,750 --> 01:33:04,375
I will.
1337
01:33:04,500 --> 01:33:08,333
You can do it under
a big sky, can't you?
1338
01:33:08,458 --> 01:33:12,458
I'm so sorry, love.
1339
01:33:16,875 --> 01:33:18,458
What are we like hey?
1340
01:33:47,208 --> 01:33:49,375
You might be happy now.
1341
01:33:49,500 --> 01:33:50,375
Might be.
1342
01:33:54,041 --> 01:33:56,375
Why did you put up with it?
1343
01:33:57,833 --> 01:34:00,583
'Cause I didn't know any better.
1344
01:34:01,416 --> 01:34:03,375
You shoulda got out.
1345
01:34:04,625 --> 01:34:05,375
Shoulda?
1346
01:34:06,541 --> 01:34:07,583
Coulda, didn't.
1347
01:34:13,083 --> 01:34:15,416
You saw him hitting me, mom.
1348
01:34:20,708 --> 01:34:22,125
I were really little.
1349
01:34:24,416 --> 01:34:25,791
It wasn't right.
1350
01:34:28,916 --> 01:34:30,708
Can't be helped now.
1351
01:34:35,041 --> 01:34:35,833
No.
1352
01:34:44,458 --> 01:34:45,750
when I was a kid,
1353
01:34:47,416 --> 01:34:49,208
I dreamt I was flying,
1354
01:34:50,666 --> 01:34:52,833
flying over Salisbury Plain.
1355
01:34:54,625 --> 01:34:57,333
I didn't know it was Salisbury
Plain 'til I grew up.
1356
01:34:59,875 --> 01:35:02,416
It was a beautiful sunny day.
1357
01:35:03,666 --> 01:35:05,625
Wind was stinging me face,
1358
01:35:06,708 --> 01:35:08,500
pulling my mouth open,
1359
01:35:13,916 --> 01:35:15,500
but it was a memory,
1360
01:35:16,791 --> 01:35:17,791
not a dream.
1361
01:35:20,208 --> 01:35:21,208
I was flying
1362
01:35:22,625 --> 01:35:25,041
and I know that isn't right,
1363
01:35:27,500 --> 01:35:28,708
but it's true.
1364
01:35:31,041 --> 01:35:32,125
I was flying.
1365
01:35:34,333 --> 01:35:38,458
See, I've lived my whole
life knowing I can fly.
1366
01:35:38,583 --> 01:35:40,500
It's what's kept me up,
1367
01:35:41,750 --> 01:35:42,875
lifted me up.
1368
01:36:38,291 --> 01:36:42,458
You see, it's always been
too much for me, life,
1369
01:36:42,583 --> 01:36:43,375
too much
1370
01:36:44,416 --> 01:36:45,541
and not enough
1371
01:36:47,708 --> 01:36:49,541
all at the same time.
1372
01:36:56,125 --> 01:36:58,125
Listen to me going on eh?.
1373
01:37:05,333 --> 01:37:09,208
♪ She's a funny cow
1374
01:37:09,333 --> 01:37:12,500
♪ Always acts the clown
1375
01:37:12,625 --> 01:37:15,666
♪ To all those faces
in dark places ♪
1376
01:37:15,791 --> 01:37:19,500
♪ So many rain, gray towns
1377
01:37:19,625 --> 01:37:22,625
♪ But any second now
1378
01:37:22,750 --> 01:37:25,750
♪ She'll bring down the house
1379
01:37:25,875 --> 01:37:30,875
♪ She's a funny cow
1380
01:37:32,250 --> 01:37:35,916
♪ She's a funny cow
1381
01:37:36,041 --> 01:37:39,541
♪ See her take a bow
1382
01:37:39,666 --> 01:37:44,625
♪ The stages that she graces
are so much bigger now ♪
1383
01:37:46,416 --> 01:37:49,500
♪ And by any means how
1384
01:37:49,625 --> 01:37:52,916
♪ She'll bring down this house
1385
01:37:53,041 --> 01:37:58,041
♪ She's a funny cow
1386
01:38:00,166 --> 01:38:05,166
♪ Now she'll never play those
haunted music halls again ♪
1387
01:38:06,708 --> 01:38:09,500
♪ Something better's coming
1388
01:38:09,625 --> 01:38:13,125
♪ And it's just
around the bend ♪
1389
01:38:13,250 --> 01:38:18,250
♪ She will not forget her
roots or where it all began ♪
1390
01:38:19,958 --> 01:38:24,958
♪ One click of those ruby
slippers and she's home again ♪
1391
01:38:29,875 --> 01:38:32,791
♪ She's a funny cow
1392
01:38:43,583 --> 01:38:47,666
♪ This is the part
we get it wrong ♪
1393
01:38:55,916 --> 01:39:00,666
♪ Sometimes it's not
where you're at ♪
1394
01:39:01,833 --> 01:39:06,666
♪ It's where you're from
1395
01:39:08,583 --> 01:39:13,375
♪ And even the family
cat can laugh along ♪
1396
01:39:21,000 --> 01:39:26,000
♪ She could sing to the birds
1397
01:39:26,916 --> 01:39:31,125
♪ They'd sing her songs
1398
01:39:32,750 --> 01:39:37,708
♪ She's a funny cow
1399
01:39:38,958 --> 01:39:43,708
♪ She's a funny cow
1400
01:39:45,875 --> 01:39:50,708
♪ Who's laughing now
1401
01:39:51,625 --> 01:39:54,458
♪ And she's a funny cow
1402
01:41:10,500 --> 01:41:15,500
♪ She's a funny cow
1403
01:41:16,666 --> 01:41:21,666
♪ She's a funny cow
1404
01:41:22,875 --> 01:41:25,791
♪ She's a funny cow
1405
01:41:36,458 --> 01:41:41,458
♪ I never asked you
to buy me the moon ♪
1406
01:41:44,333 --> 01:41:49,333
♪ I just wanted you to come
back soon and love me ♪
1407
01:41:57,125 --> 01:42:02,125
♪ Like you did before
1408
01:42:05,958 --> 01:42:10,958
♪ Yeah and love me
1409
01:42:13,083 --> 01:42:17,833
♪ Just a little bit more
1410
01:42:22,208 --> 01:42:24,833
♪ And love me
89628
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