All language subtitles for Couples.Therapy.2019.S02E01.Couples.Therapy.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MRCS

"Concrete and the Clay"
by They Might Be Giants

You, to me Are sweet as
roses in the morning You, to me

Are soft as summer in that dawning
love we share That something rare

The sidewalks and the street The
concrete and the clay beneath my feet

Begin to crumble
But love will never die

Because we'll see the mountains
tumble... Listen, I'm not gonna walk out.

You're gonna have to put me out.

He's basically throwing an insult
with the "laugh out loud" at the end.

He came home and
was just extra spicy with

everything that I was saying.

It's just like...

Hi.

Hey, buddy, I need your backup.

Begin to crumble
But love will never die

Because we'll see the mountains
crumble Before we say goodbye...

Hey.

Oh, wow.

This is Nico.

- Hi, I'm Orna.
- Hi.

I met him when I was 21.

Three months
later, we got married.

When we first got married, there
was good and there was bad.

Big picture items, we're
on the same page about,

like how to raise
our children... Uh-huh.

The fact that we both... you
know, we're Jewish, and we're,

uh... we're Orthodox, so we agree
on everything having to do with

that, but over the course
of the last few years,

things have definitely
become more difficult.

I've been very disappointed with
, like, where we are now

and... and... Where
you are as far as...?

Everything.

Like, where we are financially,
where we are as a couple,

where we are sexually.

Like, I want to be
pregnant yesterday.

I ask him that all the time.

You know, I ask him, "When am I
going to have another baby, Michael?"

"Well, we can't afford one right
now" unless I do something.

So I'm constantly walking around
with all this resentment and all

this anger and all
this frustration,

so... and I feel like ultimately,
the reason for that is I blame him.

Mm-hm.

Because if he were different,
then the situation would be different.

If he acted differently,
if he acted accordingly,

the situation
would be different...

Then he would deliver
the life you wa...

Yeah, he would deliver
the life that I want.

So what happened?

Why am I answering
all the questions?

Maybe you can pipe in.

What happened?

What happened?

Why am I not...

You know what happened?

He happened.

See, that's not a
nice way to introduce me.

I mean, my general
perspective on marriage is

more that, like, it's two people
trying to make it through life

together as partners and they're
each contributing whatever they

can, in whatever way they
can, to get through it.

You know what that sounds
like to me, when he says that?

Is I'm hearing, "That is
what a lazy person would say."

Oh, you know what it is?

It's that every individual...
It's like socialism, right?

So we are in a
socialist co-operative now.

And every person
has to contribute...

In the case of a marriage, I feel
like socialism isn't the worst model.

Yeah, I'm sure
you feel that way.

Every person has to
contribute equally.

Can you both slow it down?

I'm the person that's screwed
over by it because I'm the

person that's
contributing on every front.

Michal, hold on.

Just to be clear,
that's total nonsense.

- Right?
- No, it isn't.

One second: I'm not doing anything
towards improving our future?

- I'm doing more than...
- How do you measure

when you're doing enough and
when I'm not doing enough?

Because all I expect
of you is literally one thing,

- and you don't do that thing.
- What is that one thing?

Support me so that
I don't have to work!

That's kind of a big
umbrella to throw things under.

You're right, it's so
hard because I'm demanding

billions of dollars out of you.

So it's just a number?

There's a number somewhere?

- "I expect this of you."
- It's not a number!

"Call me when you've got it."

I don't know, yeah, maybe.

It feels a little bit
like a ransom, honestly.

Okay, well if you're not
willing to pay it then maybe you

should be married
to someone else.

Is that a healthy dynamic?

I don't care!

I'm so tired of having
these conversations with you!

Michal, Michal.

- Give some room.
- I'm just... I'm so exhausted!

But you're... you're partially exhausted
because you are working so hard.

You don't need to
do all of that.

Because that's my life with him.

- I can't sit back.
- You're here with me!

I always have to be
in the driver's seat.

- Can I ask you to pause?
- Sure.

What do you think about that?

I would say that she's
probably right that I have a

laissez-faire attitude, and I'm
just generally comfortable with

how things are.

I just think that life is
more manageable if you enjoy it,

and I think that anyone who
doesn't take it as a priority is

just gonna fail
miserably in one way or another.

How are you feeling?

Very, very angry.

I've enabled you to relax and
enjoy your life for the last

decade, and now it's time for
you to get up off your ass and

start doing
something and stop relaxing.

- Grow your damn law firm!
- I am working on that.

I haven't seen you do anything!

I feel so exhausted by
this marriage, you know?

It's like two people,
and they're in the race,

and in order to get to the
finish line, they both have to...

They both have to
finish together, right?

Like a three-legged race.

Yeah, you're tied to each other,
and I feel like our marriage is

that I am running
with all my might.

And I'm dead weight.

I'm running as fast
as I possibly can,

and he's inching along,
saying, "It's okay, we'll get there."

That has been our
marriage, and I am just tired.

Completely what
I see right here.

- Yes.
- Yes.

I see how hard you're working.

I get it.

Where are you?

- He thinks it's hysterical.
- I mean, no...

But you're
still doing the work for him.

I'm just... I'm like, at times
like this, I'm ready to just

punch him in the face.

But you're doing so much work.

- And it's exhausting to me!
- Let me do some work.

Stop it!

Why do you find this funny?!

Sometimes, I feel like I
just hate him so much,

I can't stand being around him!

I'm sitting here, and I
want to get somewhere,

and I want to fix it, and it's
not as though I've sat back for

the past 10 years of our marriage
and said, "You know what?

I want more children,
so I'm just going to sit around

on my ass and eat bon-bons
and pop out kid after kid,

and you figure out a
way to support them!"

I've been there with him!

I've been doing everything that I
need to do, and what is he doing?

He's laughing!

He thinks that this is funny!

I'm so tired of it.

I get it.

I get it.

It's like
what is even the point?

What's the point?

Can you let me do some
of the work and you relax?

Yeah, okay.

So how are you feeling when
Michal is saying these things?

She's not wrong, like she's
aware of the facts as well

- as I am.
- Mm-hm.

Like, the reason I was
chuckling was I was imagining

Michal running a
three-legged race with my son,

and I could imagine her,
like, dragging him along,

not caring that he
was, like, crying,

and I feel like, "Yeah, I might
lose the race if I ran with him,

but I think he'd enjoy it more."

It was more just, like,
the absurdity struck me.

How do you feel when, um,
Michal is describing you as...

lazy, unable to
pull your weight...

- I mean, it hurts.
- Exploiting her?

I don't think I'm lazy.

- I think I work pretty hard.
- But how do you feel?

I don't like that it hurts her,
but I do like that she provokes

me to do more and be better.

So there's something about this
dynamic that's working for you?

Right, and that's probably
unhealthy for me to just be

like, "Well, that works for me."

But what I'm trying to
decipher is whether you're...

there's something about this
kind of dynamic of being

provoked that is
enjoyable, pleasurable to you?

Or are you actually humiliated?

Or both?

I wouldn't say
that it's pleasurable.

I'd say that it's useful.

Funky music

We got pregnant very early.

We'd only been dating for a couple
of months before she was pregnant.

It was, uh, a roller
coaster, um, and still is.

But you're saying that the
fact that it happened at all?

Or that it happened so fast?

I think that it
happened so fast.

He wanted to move in right away,
and he wanted to start a family,

and I pushed back 'til the
very day that he moved in.

But what...
What was your suggestion?

I thought that we
should take our time.

I didn't think that having a
baby meant that we needed to

force a relationship.

You know, at the end of the day,
I was already a single parent, so...

You were a single parent...?

Yes, I have another child.

- I see.
- Yes.

From a previous relationship?

From a previous marriage.

Got it.

So I kinda learned my
mistakes and my lessons,

and I just didn't feel that his
view of him needing to be there

was so much more important
than us figuring out each other

because were were
only together...

So you wanted, in a way, to
prioritize the relationship?

Correct, yes.

- Developing slowly.
- Yes.

Mm-hm.

I totally understand
where she's coming from,

but at the same time, it's like
how could you be okay with

having a part-time
father for your kid?

And then on top of that, me seeing
my child, what, on the weekends?

- Yeah.
- No.

So, tell me, how has it been?

I mean, it
has its ups and downs.

We're very much
separated in the house.

- Um...
- What does that mean?

You know, I sleep with the boys,
and he sleeps in my eldest son's room.

And are you
both happy with that?

No.

That's not the
way I want it at all.

That's the way she
feels most comfortable.

- Are you happy with that?
- I mean, sometimes, yeah.

I need my space.

I have two kids, and
sometimes I retreat to my room.

I don't think it's right
that the boys see us separated

all the time, and I
don't feel, you know,

the love in the
house when that happens.

You're missing
something that you want.

For sure.

Yeah.

And you?

She's getting what she wants
because she's in her room.

Let's hear.

Sorry.

Um, I just...

it's difficult for me because it's
just not a comfortable situation.

You know, and I
know that he loves me.

I mean, that's for sure.

He won't go!

You know, he always
tells me he's not gonna go.

It's forever.

Not in, like, a
threatening way, though.

But it's just been hard to,
like, have that connection and

kinda want that
connection with him.

I'm gonna go back to, uh...
Actually, I'll ask both of you.

What do you feel like Tashira
would need from you to create

more togetherness?

Um...

I... I really don't know
what she needs for her to,

you know, turn around.

I mean, I'm not saying it
right but I don't know...

But it's interesting
that you don't know.

Maybe you might want
to figure that out.

I've tried for so long.

But you seem like
you have no idea.

So, it sounds like Dru doesn't have
any idea what would... No.

Actually bring you two
closer from your end.

- Mm-hm.
- Can you say?

Um, more understanding.

You know, I want
him to have empathy.

I want him to listen to me.

For me it's just... it's not just
touching and hugging and kissing.

I get that he needs affection.

I get that he needs all those
things because that's what makes

him who he is.

But I'm not sure
Dru feels understood.

No.

How do I not understand you?

Perfect example: You
feel that I need affection,

and it's more about being seen.

You're so in with
the boys and cooking,

and I appreciate
it all to the max,

but I feel like I'm a
ghost in the house.

And I feel like I'm a robot.

That I see, and I
acknowledge that 100 percent.

Wait.

That sounds meaningful.

That I'm a robot and
that he feels like a ghost?

No, I heard Dru say
that when you say he needs

affection, you're
not hearing him.

That he's saying he feels like
a ghost, like you don't see him.

Right, I... I understand that.

Well, you did not convey that.

Your response was,
"And I'm a robot."

And that is an issue.

It's always "But this."

It's never... It goes both ways.

You see?

It goes both ways.

Funky music

- Hello.
- Good morning.

Hi, sweetheart.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.

People come in convinced
that the problem lives in their

partner, and what they're going
to ask me to do is help them

change their partners,
so that life gets better,

but that's not the
work of couple's therapy.

I think that's right.

It's not just that they
want to fix the other person.

They may want to
accuse the other person.

Yeah.

They may want justice.

Yeah.

But we have a
much bigger agenda.

Yeah.

They come with their own highly
developed narratives about

what's going on, and here I
come and try to disrupt those

narratives, and
people don't like it.

Right.

Sometimes people fight
me tooth and nail about it.

I have a lot to say, and then I
feel like you're going to, like,

stop me and, like, kinda correct
me and critique how I'm doing it.

- Listen, listen...
- Why is it my job to have a method to convince him?

- You need...
- No, no, no!

- Michal, let me work with you.
- See, this is something that bothers me!

But you're
doing the same with me!

Why do I need to have a method
to teach this person how to adult?

People can get very dug
into their view of the other

person, and sometimes it
does require a real push

to confront them with
the reality that, as convinced

as they are about their
story, it's not working.

They have to know
that you're going to do what

they hired you to do.

Yeah, that's
why they're in my office.

- You okay?
- You nervous?

You tired?

Yeah.

I can imagine.

- Sleepy.
- Yeah.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Welcome.

Thank you.

I recently entered rehab.

I mean, I hit what they
call the rock bottom.

Mm-hm.

But just going
through that process,

I think that I've realized,
um, that there's a lot of

opportunity and things that we
could and need to really talk

through and work through.

Some of the things that have
happened... Mm-hm.

I think he tends to reflect
on them quite frequently.

Mm-hm.

So it's almost as if we're
living in my past mistakes.

- I see.
- Yeah.

And past behaviors.

So there's
still some haunting...

It's kind of
like I can't let go.

Like, at the first
excuse, I bring it up again.

- Mm-hm.
- You know?

So...

Okay, so that's like a
big thing the two of you

have been through together.

Right.

But something drew
you to each other earlier on.

Yes.

What did you see?

I mean, I've never been
into Americans before.

- And then...
- Oh!

I've gotta be honest, I
always thought my... I was

going to end up
with a European guy,

you know, and then I met him,
and I was never into red head,

and then, you know, he was
really handsome, and we met,

and when we started dating,
I was touring a lot for work

because I'm a dancer.

- You're a dancer?
- Mm-hm.

- What kind of dancer?
- Ballet, contemporary.

I performed in Seattle.

I was dancing in Swan Lake,
and he came to see the show,

and, uh, end of the first act,
we have a person delivering

flowers to the snow
queen, and I was dancing

the prince that night,
and then the bows come,

and then he comes on
stage, gives the flowers

to the snow queen,
and then turns to me,

takes a flower from his
pocket and hands to me.

- Oh!
- I know.

I was like, "What is he doing?"

And everybody backstage,
all the dancers are like, "Aw."

And I still have the flower.

He's showing his love
in front of an audience.

It was a huge theater
and... it was beautiful.

Yep.

Do you want to say something?

I mean, there's so much to say.

I mean, um...

I'm just very fortunate...
You know, this has been the

hardest time in my life, and
to have him by my side and...

You know, I've been
in other relationships,

and it's always been
difficult for me to commit.

You know, I was still very much
involved with drugs and alcohol

that, um, I felt like if I
committed myself completely

into a relationship
with him that I would...

lose my relationship
with drugs and alcohol.

Right.

And I think that that...

I mean, I've never said it
that way, but I guess... that's it.

Do you want to say
something about that, Matthew?

Like, tell me
about the... addiction?

I... you know, I would have
described myself to be a social

drinker and then... it was...

a very
highly-functioning alcoholic.

But alcohol was your substance?

Yeah, alcohol is
what took me down.

Keep going.

You know, I... I would
drink at happy hour and then it

was... three o'clock and
then it was a drink at lunch...

and it progressed to then
drinking while I was working to

being physically
dependent on alcohol.

How are you feeling saying that?

It's s... it's scary.

I mean, I...

I've found myself in the
hospital several times,

not knowing really
how I got there.

Because of intoxication?

Yeah, I was giving
myself heart problems.

You know, there was a point
when we were at the hospital,

and I, you know, they wanted to
take all of my blood out and do

a blood transfusion in
order to keep me going.

My heart rate was...
175, which was crazy.

So then we started doing
stuff to slow his heart down,

and the doctor told him, he was
like, "This is caused from alcohol.

You can't drink anymore."

And I would go
right back to drinking.

He went right back for drinking.

Right.

It's embarrassing.

Now I have to live with it for the
rest of my life and... To live with...?

Just the challenge of
everyday, of having to...

you know, to get
through the day.

I mean, if I...

You know, if you have a
bad day, like, first...

like, my first thought
is, "Have a drink."

- It was my best friend.
- Yeah.

- And now I don't have it.
- Mm-hm.

And you're... available...
for a relationship?

I mean, I feel like I finally
been with Matthew since when he

went to rehab.

I am finally able to, like, talk
to him and be with him and,

like, share life together
because before he couldn't even

go through a day, you
know, but I knew it was there,

that's why I didn't
want to give up on this.

Mm-hm.

How are the two of
you feeling talking?

Talking about it
now with me, here?

I think it's
nice to hear each other.

We couldn't have this
conversation in our living room.

- Mm-hm.
- You know?

At some point, I feel
like we will stop talking.

We just, like, maybe talk
briefly and then at some point

just, like, "Okay,
let's do something else."

Interesting.

Which makes me think is
there something bigger...

like, is there
bigger issues there now?

Why aren't we able to sit there and
have these types of conversations?

I don't know.

And if we're not on our own...

why not?

Thanks.

- See you next week.
- Have a good day.

You too.

- Good night, see you in a week.
- Yes.

Come on, we've got to read
that book on open marriage.

- Yeah, we do.
- Come on, man.

We should just snag it.

The beginning of a
treatment is always excitement

and anxiety about whether I'm
going to be able to come up with

this thing that they need.

Am I going to get it?

Yep.

Is it going to
be too intense for them?

Is this going bring up stuff
between them that they are not

ready to deal with?

If there's a treatment where I'm
not surprised, I'm not doing my job.

Come, Nico.

You've got a lot
of issues to work out

You take it out on
society, no doubt

Doubt plus beliefs equals sanity