Original subtitles

[ FANFARE PLAYS ]

>> AUGUST 3rd.

JULY 12th.

MAY 13th.

DATES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

DATES.

WHAT ARE THESE NUMBERS THAT

SHAPE OUR HISTORY?

WHO ARE THE PLAYERS, AND WHAT IS

THE SPORT?

AMONG THE TOILING MASSES, FEW

WILL RISE, AND AMONG THEM, EVEN

FEWER WILL SECURE A PLACE IN THE

ANNALS OF HISTORY.

WHAT ARE THESE IMMORTALS WHOSE

GREAT MINDS LIVE ON CENTURIES

AFTER THEIR DYING DAY?

LET US LOOK NOW INTO THE LIFE OF

ONE SUCH MAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

EXTRAORDINARY LIFE AND TIMES OF

K. ROTH BINEW.

WHERE IS GLORY BORN, YOU ASK?

HERE.

K. ROTH BINEW FOUGHT HIS WAY

INTO THE WORLD WITH HIS

PERCEPTIONS FULLY INTACT AND

THOUGHT ON BIRTH THE

FOLLOWING...

"MY MOTHER'S CRY RANG OUT WITH

MY OWN -- A CHORUS OF SORROW AND

PAIN.

IF BIRTH IS VIOLENT, WHAT WILL

BE THE REST?"

ALMA BINEW, WHILE COMPLETELY

OVERBEARING AND SOMETIMES CRUEL,

PROVED TO BE HIS HARSHEST

CRITIC -- EXCEPT FOR HIS

BROTHER, KARL, OF COURSE, WHO

WAS HARSH BOTH CRITICALLY AND

PHYSICALLY.

BUT IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER,

AND IF HE EVER TRIES IT AGAIN,

KARL WILL BE VERY, VERY SORRY.

LAMPERT BINEW, A BRILLIANT AND

GROSSLY MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS,

WOULD PROVIDE K. ROTH WITH THE

NECESSARY FOUNDATIONS FOR WHAT

WOULD ONE DAY BE HIS BRAIN.

>> FATHER, WHAT IS THE KEY TO A

GOOD LIFE?

>> WELL, K. ROTH, DON'T YOU

WORRY YOUR LITTLE HEAD.

SOMEDAY I'LL EXPLAIN IT ALL TO

YOU IN A BRIEF BUT POWERFUL

MONOLOGUE.

NOW, HOW ABOUT WE GO AND FIND

YOU A PIECE OF WIRE, HUH?

>> WHEN LAMPERT BINEW DID NOT

RETURN HOME ONE FATEFUL DAY,

K. ROTH WAS LEFT TO FIND THE

BRIEF BUT POWERFUL MONOLOGUE ON

HIS OWN.

ABANDONED BY THE ONE PERSON WHO

UNDERSTOOD HIM, K. ROTH RETREATS

INTO A DEEP SADNESS...

ONLY TO BE REVIVED BY THE GOOD

GRACES OF YOUNG LOVE.

THOUGH DISTANT IN YEARS, K. ROTH

AND HIS NANNY, MARLA, SHARED A

LOVE UNRIVALED IN THE HISTORY OF

MAN -- TRULY THE GREATEST LOVE

AFFAIR NEVER TO BE CONSUMMATED.

BUT EVEN LOVE TOOK A BACK SEAT

TO HIS NEW FRIEND, ALCOHOL.

IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT HE

STOPPED MAKING FRIENDS AND

DECIDED TO FOCUS ON HIS ARTISTIC

ENDEAVORS -- 22 NOVELS, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, 16 THOUGHT

PIECES, AND OVER 2,000

UNCLASSIFIED ART HAPPENINGS.

WHILE THE ARTS CONTROLLED AND

SHAPED HIS LIFE, THERE WERE

TIMES WHEN THEY DID NOT PAY THE

BILLS.

HE WAS EMPLOYED AS A BELLBOY,

LONGSHOREMAN, BENEVOLENT

DICTATOR OF AN ART FARM, AND

MENTAL PATIENT.

BY A TWIST THAT CAN ONLY BE

ASCRIBED TO FATE, HE FINDS

HIMSELF WRITING MATH WORD

PROBLEMS FOR A MAJOR TEXTBOOK

COMPANY.

TURNING THE INDUSTRY ON ITS

HEAD, BINEW WAS THE FIRST TO

ATTRIBUTE PERSONALITIES TO

NUMBERS, SOMETHING THAT WAS

THOUGHT TO BE STUPID ONLY YEARS

EARLIER.

BUT EVEN A GREAT MAN IS NOT FREE

FROM THE INVISIBLE PATHOGENS

THAT ATTACK THE BODY LIKE A

BRIGADE OF BLOODTHIRSTY REBELS,

AND ONE THING ALL GREAT MEN CAN

COUNT ON IS THAT SOMEDAY THEY

WILL GET BAD NEWS FROM A DOCTOR.

>> K. ROTH BINEW IS DYING OF A

YET-TO-BE-NAMED, GRAVE, VAGUE

DISEASE.

IT IS ALMOST AS GRAVE IN ITS

VAGUENESS AS IT IS VAGUE IN ITS

GRAVENESS.

WHAT WE DO KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT

THE DISEASE IS PUNCTUAL AND

DEADLY.

>> WHICH BRINGS US TO TODAY,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

ALAS, AS THE SUN SETS ON

K. ROTH BINEW, WE ASK OURSELVES,

WILL OUR HERO GO INTO THE VOID

WITHOUT FINDING THE BRIEF BUT

POWERFUL MONOLOGUE?

WILL HIS GREATNESS BE

RECOGNIZED?

[ ROOSTER CROWS ]

[ ROOSTER CROWS ]

>> [ MUMBLING ]

NO.

NO.

AH.

GABRIEL, WHERE IS THAT FATHER OF

YOURS?

I HAVE AN INVITATION FOR HIM.

>> GET AWAY FROM MY KID, BINEW.

GABE, GET INSIDE.

>> REGINALD, I AM LEAVING THE

WORLD TODAY, AND I WOULD LIKE TO

INVITE YOU TO MY GOING-AWAY

PARTY.

>> IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE,

BINEW, THIS NEIGHBORHOOD WOULD

BE LIVABLE AGAIN.

>> OH, REGINALD, LET US PUT

ASIDE OUR PETTY QUARRELS.

TODAY MY MIND LEANS TOWARDS THE

PERPETUAL.

SO, WITH THIS INVITATION AND

THIS HANDSHAKE, I OFFER YOU MY

FRIENDSHIP.

>> NOT IN A MILLION YEARS,

BINEW!

I'VE ENDURED YOUR NONSENSE FOR

FAR TOO LONG!

TODAY IS YOUR DAY OF RECKONING!

>> AH, THAT'S THE STUFF, REGGIE.

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, I

LIKE TO GET EMPTY THREATS FROM A

SHALLOW MAN.

IT GETS MY BLOOD GOING.

>> YOU'RE MINE, BINEW.

>> JUST REMEMBER TO SHOW UP AT

THE WAKE, REGINALD.

THERE'LL BE A SURPRISE WAITING

FOR YOU.

>> SIR.

>> AH! MY RIDE.

>> YOU...

YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.

>> FAREWELL, REGGIE.

AW, MILLS, IT -- IT SEEMS JUST

LIKE YESTERDAY THAT I FOUND YOU

COWERING IN THAT BROOM CLOSET.

POOR CHILD.

YOU COULDN'T SPEAK, LET ALONE

WRITE.

>> AND YOU GAVE ME SOUP, SIR, A

WARM BLANKET, AND A DICTIONARY.

>> AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO

SHAKE YOU SINCE.

LOOK AT YOU NOW -- MY BEST

FRIEND, ON-THE-RISE BIOGRAPHER,

AND POET EXTRAORDINAIRE.

>> YES, SIR.

IN FACT, I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT

THAT IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU --

>> THE ROAD, MAN! THE ROAD!

MILLS! A QUOTE FROM MY FATHER.

"I DRINK TO BRING MYSELF DOWN TO

THE LEVEL OF THE COMMON MAN.

BUT REMEMBER, THE COMMON MAN

DRINKS, SO I MUST DRINK TWICE AS

MUCH.

I AM A BIG ADVOCATE OF AN EVEN

PLAYING FIELD."

OH, YOUR INSTINCTS ARE

INCORRECT, LIQUORSMITH.

BUT, BEING A SPORTING MAN, I

WILL GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE TO

GUESS WHAT I'LL BE PURCHASING.

>> WELL, WHAT ARE WE BETTING

TODAY?

>> THIS VEST.

>> I DON'T LIKE THE VEST.

HOW ABOUT THAT TIE?

>> ALL RIGHT.

MY TIE FOR...YOUR GLASSES.

>> YOU'RE ON.

>> OH. WRONG AGAIN,

LIQUORSMITH.

MILLS, COLLECT THE SPOILS.

>> GLASSES, PLEASE.

>> REALLY?

>> YES.

>> I CAN'T SEE VERY WELL WITHOUT

THEM, AND THEY'RE MY ONLY PAIR.

>> WELL, IT SEEMS YOU HAVE FOUND

YOURSELF IN QUITE A PREDICAMENT,

LIQUORSMITH.

AND HERE I AM WITH THIS

PERFECTLY USELESS PAIR OF

GLASSES.

>> YEAH, YOU JUST WON THEM IN

THE BET.

>> YES.

>> AS A-A NEUTRAL THIRD PARTY,

IT SEEMS THAT YOU EACH HAVE WHAT

THE OTHER DESIRES.

SO, GENTLEMEN, MAY I SUGGEST A-A

BARTER?

>> EXCELLENT IDEA.

>> UH, I MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN

A BARTER.

>> TELL YOU WHAT, LIQUORSMITH --

I WILL GIVE YOU THESE GLASSES

FOR YOUR FINEST BOTTLE OF

STUBBORN GROUSE BOURBON.

>> [ GROANS ] GROUSE?

>> YES, THE STUBBORN GROUSE.

>> COME ON, K. ROTH.

>> WELL, THESE DO LOOK QUITE

CHARMING ON ME, DON'T THEY,

MILLS?

>> PERFECT FIT, SIR.

>> GROUSE.

>> GLASSES.

>> THANK YOU.

>> MIND IF I HAVE A SIP?

>> NO.

[ CORK POPS ]

>> HERE'S AN INVITATION TO HIS

WAKE TONIGHT.

I HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT.

I KNOW IT'S SHORT NOTICE, BUT

THE DOCTOR ONLY TOLD HIM A FEW

DAYS AGO, AND HE HADN'T ACCEPTED

THE WHOLE AFFAIR UNTIL LATE LAST

NIGHT.

>> THERE'LL BE DRINKS, HORS

D'OEUVRES, AND MAYBE A LITTLE

DANCING AFTER I KICK OFF.

WHO KNOWS?

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FUNNY,

SIR.

WELL, SIR, WHERE NEXT?

>> TO THE RECREATION PARK,

MILLS.

I'VE HAD SOME BOURBON, WITH MORE

ON THE WAY.

I'M FEELING SPRIGHTLY NOW.

THEY WILL THINK ME THE FOOL,

MILLS, IN MY FINAL MOMENTS WITH

A FATAL DISEASE EXERCISING.

>> WHO ARE "THEY," SIR?

THERE YOU GO. UPPER-TUPPER.

>> ONE...

THEY WILL CALL IT FUTILE, MILLS.

THEY WILL SAY I AM MAD.

AND MAD I MIGHT BE.

>> AH, YOUR STAMINA IS

INSPIRING, SIR.

>> THANK YOU, MILLS.

THOUGH MY HOURS ARE DWINDLING

AND I AM DESPERATE FOR THE

ANSWER, I REFUSE TO SHIRK THE

RESPONSIBILITY I HAVE TO MY

HUMAN BODY.

HELLO!

I'VE GOT BUSINESS FOR YOU!

>> HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

>> AH, YES.

WE WERE WONDERING WHAT KIND OF

BODY-DISPOSAL OPTIONS YOU CARRY.

>> LET ME SAY FIRST I'M SORRY

ABOUT YOUR LOSS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

HAVEN'T LOST ANYTHING YET.

I'M DYING TONIGHT.

>> YOU'RE THE BODY?

>> YES.

WELL, I ADMIT THAT I

PROCRASTINATED A LITTLE.

>> USUALLY THE FAMILY TAKES CARE

OF THAT AFTER THE DEATH.

>> OH! SO, I AM EARLY AND WE

WILL GET A DISCOUNT!

>> UH, WELL, UH, PERHAPS WE

COULD WORK S-SOMETHING --

>> ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, FRIEND?

YOU SEEM TO HAVE TRANSCENDED

PALE.

>> WELL, I-I MUST ADMIT I'VE

NEVER DEALT WITH THE BODY BEFORE

HE DIED.

AND THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS

MAKING ME...A BIT UNEASY.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, WHAT IS LIFE IF IT IS NOT

UNEASY?

SO, WHAT ARE THE VARIOUS FIRE

OPTIONS?

I'M SURE YOU HAVE STANDARD

CREMATION, BUT WE WERE THINKING

SOMETHING MORE ALONG THE LINES

OF A FUNERAL PYRE IN THE TOWN

SQUARE.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

UNFORTUNATELY, OUR ONLY OPTIONS

ARE CREMATION AND BURIAL.

>> OR A VIKING CEREMONY.

MILLS, TELL HIM ABOUT THE VIKING

CEREMONY.

>> OH, YES, THE VIKINGS USED TO

PUT THE CARCASS ON A BOAT AND

LIGHT IT ABLAZE AS IT WAS CAST

OUT TO SEA.

>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I

WANTED -- SOMETHING DRAMATIC!

>> WE TEND TO SPECIALIZE IN THE

MORE TRADITIONAL --

>> OH, AND WHO WILL BE DOING MY

MAKEUP?

>> MY SON DOES ALL THE

PREPARATION.

>> TELL HIM TO GO EASY ON THE

ROUGE.

I TEND TO LOOK A BIT QUEALLY

WITH TOO MUCH ROUGE.

>> NO OFFENSE TO YOU, SIR, BUT

WE HERE AT

MOSSMAN'S FAMILY MORTUARY THINK

THAT DEATH AND DYING ARE NOT

EVEN REMOTELY IN THE

NEIGHBORHOOD OF THINGS TO BE

TAKEN LIGHTLY.

[ ORGAN PLAYING SOMBER MUSIC ]

>> THAT SONG...

>> UM...

MAY I SUGGEST TO YOU, SIR, THAT

YOU TAKE YOUR BUSINESS TO ONE OF

OUR COMPETITORS, WHO, BECAUSE

THEY LACK A STRONG MORAL BASE,

WILL OBLIGE YOUR EVERY REQUEST?

DEATH IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS AND

WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH UNTIL IT

STOPS HAPPENING, WHICH WILL BE

NEVER.

>> FATHER'S COAT.

>> EXCUSE ME?

WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

>> FATHER?

>> SIR?

>> I MUST INVESTIGATE.

>> YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE!

>> Shh!

CAREFUL.

>> FATHER?

[ CROWD GASP, MUSIC STOPS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, I'M SURE THAT HE WAS A

LOVELY MAN.

>> WOMAN.

>> WOMAN.

AND BEING SOMEONE THAT IS DYING

SOON, I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING

HER IN THE AFTERLIFE, WHICH

MIGHT NOT EXIST.

SORRY FOR THE INTERRUPTION.

FATHER!

>> COLLECT ALL THE STAMPS YOU

CAN.

IF YOU HAVE ALL THE POSTAGE, HOW

CAN THEY SEND YOU THREATENING

LETTERS?

FOR TWO DAYS I CONTROLLED ALL

THE POSTAGE.

IT MIGHT HAVE GONE UNNOTICED BY

MANY, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW

IT FEELS TO BE THE REASON

SOMEONE'S NOT SENDING SOMETHING.

THAT POWER -- VERY SEXUAL IN A

WAY.

>> FATHER, NOBODY LOVES YOUR

BRILLIANT WISDOM MORE THAN I DO,

BUT SOMETHING STILL ELUDES ME.

PLEASE, TELL ME THE BRIEF BUT

POWERFUL MONOLOGUE.

>> OKAY, SON. I WILL.

[ BABBLING ]

>> I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU,

FATHER.

GENERALLY, I CARRY MY

NONSENSE-TO-ENGLISH DICTIONARY

IN MY DREAM WORLD, BUT I SEEM TO

HAVE LEFT IT AT MY DREAM HOUSE.

PLEASE, FATHER, TRANSLATE.

PLEASE, TRANSLATE.

PLEASE, FATHER, TRANSLATE!

PLEASE!

PLEASE, FATHER, TRANSLATE!

TRANSLATE!

PLEASE.

TRANSLATE!

>> SIR!

>> MILLS, I WAS SO CLOSE TO THE

ANSWER.

I COULD HEAR THE WORDS, BUT I

COULD NOT MAKE SENSE OF THEM.

MY GOD!

THEY WERE BEAUTIFUL.

>> OH, SIR, YOU LOOK CRAZED.

WIPE YOUR BROW.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> TIME IS MOVING.

IF WE ARE TO COMPLETE OUR GOAL,

WE MUST NOT CHASE PHANTOMS.

>> MILLS, YOU ARE SO

COOL-HEADED.

I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT YOU.

>> SIR, YOUR RIDE.

>> MILLS, STOP THE RICKSHAW.

>> WHAT IS IT, SIR?

>> I THINK YOU TOOK A WRONG TURN

BACK THERE.

>> DID I?

>> YES.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

[ GROANS ]

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, MILLS.

>> SIR.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> I'M A VERY WEALTHY

BUSINESSMAN FROM A-A VERY RICH

PART OF THE COUNTRY.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND A LARGE

PORTION OF MY DISPOSABLE INCOME

ON CHICKENS.

>> SOUNDS CRAZY!

>> YES, WELL, I AM AN ECCENTRIC.

>> YOU'RE AN ECCENTRIC?

>> YES.

>> OH.

I'M AN ECCENTRIC, TOO.

I KEEP ROAST BEEF IN MY POCKETS.

SEE?

>> YES.

>> NOW, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM

CHICKENS.

[ CHICKENS BOCK ]

IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, YOU'LL NOTICE

THERE'S A DUCK AMONGST THEM

CHICKENS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LIKE TO LAUGH AT THAT DUCK.

WATCH.

[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

NOW YOU TRY.

>> ME?

>> YEAH. GO AHEAD!

COME ON!

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ LAUGHING NERVOUSLY ]

>> OH, YES.

YOU'RE A FINE SPECIMEN, YES.

COME HERE. COME HERE.

>> [ LAUGHING ]

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> OKAY. GOOD.

>> GOOD JOB.

>> WHAT'S THAT MAN DOING?

>> LOOKS LIKE HE'S -- HE'S GOT

YOUR GOAT.

UH, WELL, ANOTHER ECCENTRIC.

>> [ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]

>> THANK YOU.

>> "A PRE-PICNIC PRAYER POEM" BY

MILLS JOQUIN.

>> O, MAJESTIC GOAT, DIE QUIETLY

ON YOUR STAKE AND TRUST THAT

YOUR THROAT WILL BLEAT ON OUR

PLATE.

O, MAJESTIC GOAT, HAVE FAITH

YOUR SURRENDER WILL SATE OUR

TUMMY BOAT, WILL FEED OUR

LUNCHEON SPLENDOR.

O, MAJESTIC GOAT.

>> MOST BEAUTIFUL CEREMONY,

MILLS.

WELL, THE GOAT HAS BEEN

DISPATCHED, AND THE GODS ON

OLYMPUS WILL BE PLEASED.

>> AH, THE SUN, SIR.

IT'S AT ITS HEIGHT.

>> ISN'T IT ALWAYS, MILLS?

>> NO, IT'S AT ITS APOGEE,

SIR -- THE HIGHEST POINT.

IT'S NOON.

>> MY LAST APOGEE.

PUT THAT IN YOUR EULOGY.

>> OH, I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN IT,

SIR, AND IT WOULDN'T FIT.

>> BUT I LIKE HOW IT SOUNDS.

>> WELL, I CAN'T, SIR.

IT JUST WON'T FIT.

>> THEN WHY MENTION IT, MILLS?

WHY CONFUSE A DYING MAN?

>> YOU'RE BEING IRRITABLE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST HUNGRY.

>> DON'T TELL ME WHO'S HUNGRY!

JUST DRIVE, YOU FOOL! DRIVE!

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, MILLS.

IT WAS THE SMELL OF THE GOAT AND

THE ANTICIPATION.

>> I TRY MY BEST, SIR.

>> I KNOW YOU DO.

>> I DO TRY MY VERY BEST.

>> I KNOW YOU DO.

IT'S JUST THAT MY TRUE LOVE

MIGHT HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I

SEEK, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF

SHE GOT MY LETTER.

IT MIGHT BE THAT LOVE ITSELF IS

THE ANSWER.

LOVE IS GENERALLY BRIEF.

LOVE IS POWERFUL.

WHILE IT IS NOT A MONOLOGUE...

[ BELL RINGING ]

MY HEAVENS, MILLS.

SHE HAS COME!

ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

FINISH SETTING UP.

I MUST GREET HER.

OH, MA.

I AM VERY FLATTERED THAT YOU'VE

ACCEPTED MY LAST-MINUTE

INVITATION.

I SEE YOU'VE BROUGHT YOUR

HUSBAND.

LUCKILY, THIS IS ONE OF 10

SCENARIOS FOR WHICH I HAVE A

PREPARED SPEECH.

"YOUR WIFE, SIR, IS MY INITIAL

TRUE LOVE.

SHE IS SOMEONE THAT I HAVE

FASCINATED, MASTURBATED, AND

CONCENTRATED ON FOR MOST OF MY

WAKING HOURS.

SO, ON MY DEATHBED, WILL YOU NOT

ALLOW US SOME TIME TOGETHER?"

>> NO.

>> NO?

WELL, MY WHOLE LIFE'S BEEN

AWKWARD.

WHY SHOULD IT STOP NOW?

SO, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

>> YES, IT HAS BEEN.

>> WHEN DID YOU GET MARRIED?

>> OH, DECADES AGO.

>> ANY KIDS?

>> TWO.

>> WELL, THEY MUST BE AT LEAST

HALF-BEAUTIFUL.

HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE COMES

FROM VERY GOOD STOCK.

>> I'M FRANCO-PRUSSIAN!

>> WELL, THEN, YOU'RE POORLY

MADE!

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOUR BOSOM

WOULD BURN AND I WOULD RUB A

SOOTHING SALVE UPON IT?

>> OOH. THAT WOULD STING.

>> YES, GENTLY MASSAGING IT IN,

NURSING YOUR RICKETY SKIN BACK

TO EVEN A SEMBLANCE OF HEALTH.

>> WELL, I DID HAVE RICKETS

THEN.

>> AND NEVER HAVE RICKETS BEEN

MORE EROTIC.

AH. HERE WE ARE.

>> AH. MR. BINEW, WELCOME BACK.

OUR FAVORITE CUSTOMER.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY, SIR?

>> DOING WELL.

AND YOU, MAîTRE D'?

>> FINE, FINE.

HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY TODAY,

SIR?

>> IS IT GONNA BE TWO OR THREE,

OLD MAN?

THREE IT IS, MAîTRE D'.

>> THREE?

HUH.

I BELIEVE THAT WOULD BE A

20-MINUTE WAIT, SIR.

>> REALLY?

>> YES.

>> WELL, MAYBE THIS $2 BILL WILL

CHANGE YOUR TUNE.

>> AH. WELL, I'LL CERTAINLY SEE

WHAT I CAN DO, SIR.

>> I'M IN PRETTY GOOD WITH THE

MANAGEMENT, SO...

>> HELLO. IT'S MR. BINEW.

UH, NOW A PARTY OF THREE.

WELL, YES, HE IS OUR FAVORITE

CUSTOMER, SO...

I DON'T CARE!

MOVE THE MAYOR!

TERRIBLY SORRY, SIR.

YOUR TABLE IS NOW READY.

>> MARLA, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

AH.

EXCEPT FOR A LIGHT SNACK LATER,

THIS WILL BE MY LAST MEAL.

MMM. THIS GOAT IS DELECTABLE.

>> OH!

>> [ CHUCKLING ]

>> MR. BINEW.

>> THANK YOU.

>> CHEERS, MY LOVE.

>> AND FOR YOU, SIR.

>> TO US.

DID YOU KNOW, OLD MAN, THAT IF

YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE HAD NOT

SAVED ME THOSE MANY MOONS AGO

THAT I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY?

FOR GOOD OR FOR ILL, THOSE ARE

THE FACTS.

FOR, YOU SEE, TONIGHT WILL NOT

BE THE FIRST TIME I WILL HAVE

DIED.

>> YOU'RE DEADER THAN ME, YOU

DRUNK SACK OF SHIT.

>> NO, THE FIRST TIME WAS LONG

AGO, OLD MAN.

I WAS 9 YEARS OLD, AND SHE --

WELL, SHE WAS TIMELESS.

I WAS RIDING MY TRICYCLE AROUND

OUR BACKYARD.

WE WERE VERY WEALTHY.

WE HAD A LINOLEUM BACKYARD.

IN THE EXCITEMENT OF A TURN, I

GOT CONFUSED.

THE POOL WAS STILL.

IT LOOKED LIKE A CONTINUATION OF

THE LINOLEUM.

Mills, finish the story.

>> YES, SIR.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I PLUNGED IN HEADLONG AND

FLOATED TO THE BOTTOM...

IN THE DEEP END, OLD MAN --

THE -- THE DEEP END.

AND I LOOKED TO THE TOP, AND --

AND THERE WAS THE SUN.

I DID NOT MOVE, FOR I DECIDED IF

THE SUN COULD WITNESS THE DEATH

OF A CHILD AND NOT INTERVENE,

THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT?

OLD MAN, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,

THE SUN STAYED IN THE SKY THAT

DAY.

IT DID NOT ALTER ITS PERPETUAL

COURSE.

AND I DIED AT THE BOTTOM OF THAT

POOL.

FOR 14 MINUTES, I WAS CLINICALLY

ABSENT AS YOUR DEVOTED WIFE

TRIED TO REVIVE ME.

>> AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS

SIMPLY GRATITUDE, MARLA --

GRATITUDE FOR BEING SAVED.

BUT AS TIME WENT ON AND THE FIRE

IN MY LOINS BURNED LIKE A

THOUSAND ROMAN CANDLES, I KNEW

THAT THIS FEELING WAS SOMETHING

GREATER, SOMETHING PURE.

IT WAS LOVE, MARLA.

>> OH, K. ROTH...

>> IT WAS THE ONLY TIME IN MY

LIFE THAT I'VE EVER BEEN IN

LOVE.

SURE, I LOVE MILLS, TACOS, AND

SOME OF THE MORE POPULAR ACTORS,

BUT MY SINGULAR TRUE LOVE HAS

ALWAYS BEEN YOU.

>> AND YOU MINE, K. ROTH.

>> IT WAS ONLY WHEN SHE PRESSED

HER LIPS TO MINE...

IT WAS ONLY WHEN SHE -- SHE

SHARED HER BREATH AND THERE WERE

TWO MOUTHS MET THAT I WAS JARRED

BACK INTO EXISTENCE.

AND IT IS THAT SINGLE BREATH AND

IT IS THAT SINGLE KISS THAT HAS

KEPT ME ALIVE UNTIL TODAY.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

HUH?

>> OH, MARLA, YOU COULD MAKE A

MAN FORGET HIS QUEST.

NOW, THIS MIGHT BE THE SCHNAPPS

BARKING, BUT I THINK THAT THE

ANSWER RESTS ON YOUR SOFT LIPS,

AND I LONG TO KNOW THE ANSWER.

>> OH, KISS ME, K. ROTH.

>> [ GROANING ]

>> WELL, IT SEEMED TO GO WELL.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF SHE GOT

ANYTHING OUT OF IT, BUT MY GOAL

IS COMPLETE.

MILLS, I WONDER IF HANNIBAL FELT

THIS EMPTY AFTER TAKING

CARTHAGE.

ALTHOUGH IT WAS PLEASANT TO

TONGUE-KISS MY FORMER NANNY.

AH. LET'S SEE.

WHERE TO NEXT?

YES! MILLS, MAKE HASTE TO THE

PROSTITUTE.

MY ERECTION IS STRONG, AND I

WISH TO CELEBRATE MY MANHOOD TWO

OR THREE FINAL TIMES.

[ MOANING ]

[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

OH, MY DARLING.

YOU HAVE DONE A DYING MAN GOOD.

MILLS, GET HER AN INVITATION.

NOW, DON'T FORGET TO STOP BY

LATER FOR THE WAKE.

IT SHOULD BE A RIOT.

HEY, MAYBE IN THE NEXT LIFE, YOU

AND I COULD BE HUSBAND AND

WIFE -- YOU KNOW, TAKE THE MONEY

OUT OF THE EQUATION.

>> IT'S $50 EXTRA FOR YOUR

FRIEND.

>> WHAT, MILLS?

>> IT'S $50 EXTRA IF SOMEBODY

WATCHES.

>> [ Laughing ] OKAY.

I THINK YOU'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE

SITUATION, MY LOVE.

UH, THIS IS MILLS.

HE IS MY MAN, MY CHAUFFEUR, MY

BIOGRAPHER.

HE WAS NOT HERE TO WATCH AS MUCH

AS HE WAS HERE TO RECORD WHAT

HAPPENED.

SEE?

>> I DON'T THINK YOU NEED

ANOTHER PROBLEM IN HERE.

>> NOW YOU'RE ESCALATING IT TO A

HILLTOP IT NEED NOT REACH.

>> JUST GIVE ME MY 50 BUCKS.

>> I WILL NOT.

BESIDES, MILLS ABHORS SEX!

HE WOULD RATHER WATCH

"LAWRENCE WELK" THAN YOU AND I

GOING AT IT.

IT WOULD BE LIKE PAYING $50 FOR

HAVING HIM NOT WATCH.

>> CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT...

AFTER YOU GIVE ME THE $50.

OR I'LL CALL MY PIMP!

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I ONLY HAVE THE APPROPRIATE

AMOUNT FOR THE HOUR ON MY

PERSON.

LUCKILY, I DO HAVE MY CHECKBOOK

DOWN IN THE RICKSHAW.

IF YOU'LL JUST EXCUSE ME...

>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY BABY

BIRD?

LOOK.

[ BLOWS ]

>> HALFWAY THROUGH THE DAY,

MILLS.

FEELING GOOD.

IF THINGS KEEP GOING AS WELL AS

THEY HAVE BEEN, I SHOULD BE ABLE

TO SECURE THE BRIEF BUT POWERFUL

MONOLOGUE WITH A FEW HOURS TO

SPARE.

[ HORN HONKING ]

>> HELLO, BINEW!

>> REGINALD.

>> PREPARE FOR BATTLE!

>> NOT NOW, REGINALD.

I'M VERY BUSY.

>> THERE IS NO CONVENIENT TIME

FOR WAR!

PREPARE FIRST WAVE!

>> WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THAT?

>> SMOKESCREEN!

THE SMOKE IS A METAPHOR FOR YOUR

INABILITY TO CLEARLY SEE

REALITY!

>> SMOKESCREEN, MILLS!

MAINTAIN YOUR COURSE!

IT WILL PASS.

>> PREPARE SECOND WAVE!

RUSTY NAILS!

YOUR IDEAS, BINEW, ARE LIKE

RUSTY NAILS...

>> RUSTY NAILS, MILLS.

>> ...SPREADING DISEASE THROUGH

THE FOOT OF THE WORLD!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

>> THIRD WAVE!

THIS IS BECAUSE IT'S JUST

DISGUSTING TO THROW HAM STEAKS

AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!

HAM STEAKS!

>> OH, NO.

>> WHAT?

>> HAM STEAKS.

TAKE EVASIVE ACTION!

>> HA!

>> OH, MY GOD! OH!

>> AAH!

>> THIS IS DISGUSTING!

>> I'VE WON THIS ONE, BINEW.

>> STAY ON THE ROAD, MILLS.

WATCH OUT FOR THE DITCH!

[ CRASH ]

HE KNOWS ALL OF MY WEAKNESSES,

MILLS, BUT HE IS GOING TO PAY

FOR THIS...IN THE STRANGEST OF

WAYS.

[ SIGHS ]

LIBRARIAN, WE ONLY HAVE TIME FOR

A BRIEF CEREMONY, SO PLEASE

SMILE CONTINUOUSLY.

IT IS MY SINCERE HONOR TO BE

HERE AT THE --

>> Shh!

>> THE...

>> THE PUBLIC LIBRARY.

>> THE PUBLIC LIBRARY TO DONATE

MY COMPLETE WORKS.

LET US GO THROUGH THE CANON.

WE START WHERE I DID, WITH

"WHY COULD IT NOT HAVE BEEN ME?"

WHICH HAS BEEN HAILED AS THE

MOST COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF

LOSING LOTTERY NUMBERS EVER

COMPILED.

>> NO, NO, SIR --

>> AH! "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"...

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> AAH!

>> ...THE DEFINITIVE COLLECTION

OF WORD PROBLEMS THAT I WROTE

DURING MY ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER IN

THAT INDUSTRY.

"REMEMBRANCE OF DAWN."

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

"TOO FAT TO BE A JOCKEY."

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

AND "JACK'S PANTS."

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

I DONATE ALL OF THESE TO THIS

HALLOWED INSTITUTION, ASKING

ONLY THAT ONCE A YEAR, SOMEBODY

VISITS THEM WITH A DUSTER --

UNLESS THEY'RE BEING READ, OF

COURSE.

IN THAT CASE, LET THEM BE.

>> I AM SORRY, SIR, BUT THERE IS

A PROTOCOL FOR DONATING BOOKS.

WE DON'T JUST SLAP A NUMBER ON

THEM AND SHOVE THEM ON THE

SHELVES.

>> WELL, THEN, LET'S PUT THESE

BOOKS THROUGH THE OLD PROTOCOL.

QUICKLY, THOUGH -- QUICKLY.

>> THE PROBLEM WITH THE GENERAL

PUBLIC, SIR, IS THAT THEY

COMPLETELY UNDERESTIMATE THE

DIFFICULTY AND SCOPE OF A

LIBRARIAN'S JOB.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> THE ONE THING THAT DOES NOT

FALL UNDER MY JURISDICTION IS

THE CHOOSING OF BOOKS.

THAT'S DONE BY THE BOARD, AND

THE PROCESS TAKES MONTHS.

>> MONTHS?

>> THIS IS A PUBLIC LIBRARY,

SIR.

ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE IT TO THE

PUBLIC TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY'RE

GOING TO READ?

[ LAUGHS ]

THIS PLACE WOULD BE BRIMMING

WITH PORNOGRAPHY AND GUN

MAGAZINES.

THE BOARD CHOOSES EVERYTHING.

>> OH, YOU ARE RIGHT, LIBRARIAN.

I WAS A FOOL TO THINK I COULD

SIMPLY SAUNTER IN HERE AND

DONATE MY BOOKS.

[ LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY ]

I'M SORRY TO WASTE YOUR

IMPORTANT LIBRARIAN TIME.

GOOD DAY, MADAME.

>> YES.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] UM...

DO YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON

THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH?

>> LET ME CHECK THE CATALOG.

>> NO, NO, NO.

I MEAN -- I MEAN YOU.

DO YOU -- YOU PERSONALLY HAVE

ANY INFORMATION ON THE

PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH?

>> UH, WELL, I BELIEVE THEY ARE

KNOWN FOR THEIR FINE FURNITURE

AND THEIR, UH, HOMEMADE

BISCUITS.

>> YES, YES.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

YOU'D THINK WITH ALL THESE

REFERENCE MATERIALS EVERYWHERE,

YOU WOULDN'T GO THROUGH THE

TROUBLE OF KEEPING ANYTHING IN

YOUR BRAIN.

>> AH, WELL...

>> WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE

MICROFICHE?

>> IN THE BASEMENT.

>> I WISH YOU KEPT IT AT THE

DUMP.

I HATE MICROFICHE.

>> "B," "B," "B" --

"B-I," "B-I, "B-I"...

"BINEW."

AH.

>> I JUST HATE ANYTHING THAT HAS

BEEN MINIATURIZED.

THAT'S REALLY THE MAIN PROBLEM I

HAVE WITH FICHE.

>> HMM.

>> YOUR BATHROOM IS CLEAN AND

COMFORTABLE.

GIVE MY REGARDS TO THE LIBRARY

MAID.

MILLS?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> [ GASPS ]

>> [ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

>> SIR, GET A PICTURE?

>> PLEASE!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

>> YES, AND ANOTHER.

LOOK PROUD.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> [ Laughing ] YEAH, WE GOT IT

IN THERE.

WE GOT THEM IN THERE, MILLS.

WE GOT THEM IN --

>> [ SCREAMS ]

I TOLD YOU THAT WE CANNOT ACCEPT

BOOKS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN READ

AND APPROVED BY THE BOARD.

>> WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE THAT GET

TO CHOOSE WHAT PEOPLE READ?

>> I DON'T MAKE THE RULES, SIR.

>> ARE THEY THE COUSINS OF THE

MAN WHO GETS TO CHOOSE WHAT'S

GOING TO BE ON THE TOP 40?

>> I'M SORRY, SIR.

>> ARE THEY THE GODCHILDREN OF

THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF CHOOSING

WHAT COLORS WE WEAR EVERY

SEASON?

>> YOU DON'T MAKE A SINGLE

GODDAMN DECISION IN THIS LIFE IF

THE OPTIONS ARE ALWAYS GIVEN TO

YOU BY SOMEBODY ELSE.

DON'T YOU SEE, LIBRARIAN?

YOU HAVE THE POWER IN YOUR HANDS

TO GIVE THE PEOPLE SOMETHING

REAL, SOMETHING THAT HAS NOT

BEEN PRESORTED OR PROCESSED OR

EDITED BEYOND RECOGNITION!

>> SIR, YOU HAVE GOT TO

UNDERSTAND --

>> MAYBE THE BOOKS ARE A LITTLE

ROUGH, BUT MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THE

PEOPLE NEED TO STIR THEM.

COME ON.

FLEX YOUR MUSCLE AND ABUSE YOUR

POWER!

>> [ Voice breaking ] I CAN'T

TAKE THE BOOKS, SIR.

>> FINE, LIBRARIAN. YOU WIN.

I WILL TAKE MY BOOKS AWAY FROM

HERE, TOWARDS SOME DARK FUTURE,

WHERE THEY WILL KICK AROUND ON

THE THRIFT-STORE CIRCUIT AND

FINALLY END UP IN THE GARBAGE.

>> WELL, I AM SORRY, SIR, BUT

THE RULES ARE THE RULES.

>> NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO HER, SIR.

SHE KNOWS NOTHING.

READ TO ME FROM ONE -- ONE OF

YOUR CHILDREN'S STORIES, IN --

IN YOUR BIGGEST VOICE.

WHEN YOU WERE MAKING YOUR

SCHEDULE, IT WAS SOMETHING I WAS

GOING TO REQUEST, BUT I DIDN'T

WANT TO IMPOSE.

>> WELL, I SUPPOSE BETTER FOR

ONE THAN FOR NONE.

ALL RIGHT.

"JACK'S PANTS."

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

I AM GOING TO GET MY BLANKET.

Perfect.

>> OKAY. NOW, READY?

>> YES.

>> "JACK'S PANTS."

>> BY K. ROTH BINEW.

>> RIGHT. BY K. ROTH BINEW.

"ONCE THERE WAS A LITTLE ORPHAN

BOY WHO WAS VERY, VERY SAD.

WE WILL CALL HIM JACK."

>> "JACK."

>> "AND JACK WAS UTTERLY AND

COMPLETELY ALONE.

ONE DAY, WHILE SEARCHING FOR

FOOD AND FRIENDS IN A NEARBY

DUMPSTER, HE CAME ACROSS A

BRAND-NEW, PERFECT PAIR OF PLUM,

CORDUROY PANTS."

>> "OF PLUM, CORDUROY PANTS."

>> "THESE PANTS AND THIS BOY

WERE QUICK TO BECOME FRIENDS.

THEY WOULD GO EVERYWHERE, THE

PANTS AND JACK.

AND JACK VOWED TO ALWAYS WEAR

THE PANTS, AND THE PANTS VOWED

TO ALWAYS BE PANTS FOR JACK.

BUT JACK GREW UP, AS LITTLE BOYS

DO, AND THE PANTS DID NOT KEEP

THEIR PROMISE, FOR AS JACK'S

LEGS GREW LONG, THE PANTS GREW

SHORT, UNTIL HIS PERFECT, PLUM,

CORDUROY COMPANION BURST AT THE

SEAMS.

NOT ONLY HAD JACK BEEN BETRAYED

BY HIS BEST AND ONLY FRIEND, BUT

AS THE LAST STITCH CAME UNDONE,

JACK FOUND HIMSELF NAKED IN THE

TOWN SQUARE.

HE WAS QUICKLY PICKED UP FOR

PUBLIC INDECENCY AND WAS

SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS OF HARD

TIME.

BUT PRISON LIFE DID NOT AGREE

WITH JACK, AND SO ONE NIGHT, HE

HANGED HIMSELF WITH HIS NEW

FRIEND, PRISON-ISSUE SOCK."

>> THAT WAS WONDERFUL, SIR.

WONDERFUL.

>> I-I DON'T KNOW.

YOU REALLY HAVE TO PICK YOUR

GENRE.

IT -- IT STARTS OUT AS A-AN

INTRIGUING AND PLAYFUL

CHILDREN'S STORY BUT THEN

QUICKLY DESCENDS INTO A HIGHLY

CRITICAL EXPOSé ON OUR CURRENT

PENAL SYSTEM.

IT'LL SCARE THE CHILDREN AND

UPSET THE ADULTS.

AS A MEMBER OF THE BOARD THAT

CHOOSES THE BOOKS FOR THIS

LIBRARY, I DISAPPROVE.

>> WELL [SIGHS] THAT IS THAT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT HAS BEEN MADE BRAZENLY CLEAR

I AM A FAILURE!

>> NO, NO, NO, THERE IS STILL

HOPE, SIR.

ONE OTHER PERSON HEARD YOUR

STORY.

MISS, WHAT DID YOU THINK?

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> WHY DID SHE BEAT ME SO?

IF YOU DIDN'T BITE HER, I DON'T

THINK I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF

THERE ALIVE.

>> SHE TASTED QUITE GOOD, SIR.

>> OH, I HAVE SUFFERED TWO BLOWS

TODAY, ONE LITERARY AND ONE

PHYSICAL.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE HURTS

MORE.

OW. OW!

OH, AND IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME TO

BEAR, GOING INTO THE VOID

WITHOUT THE ANSWER AND UNSURE OF

MY LITERARY STANDING.

>> NO, SIR, DYING CAN ONLY HELP

YOUR CAUSE.

THINK OF -- OF KAFKA, VAN GOGH,

EMILY DICKINSON.

>> YOUR REASSURANCES ARE NOT

ENOUGH.

I MUST KNOW BEFORE I DIE.

>> [ SINGING OPERA ]

>> WHAT DO THEY SAY?

WHAT COULD THE FUTURE POSSIBLY

HOLD FOR THIS POOR, OLD SOD?

WHO, IF ANY, WILL REMEMBER HIM?

WILL HE, BEFORE THE SUN SETS,

SECURE THE ANSWER THAT HAS

ELUDED HIM SO?

>> YOU WILL EXPERIENCE A GREAT

LOSS SOON.

>> MY BODY.

>> FEAR NOT, FOR THIS WILL PASS.

>> I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

MORE OF A PERMANENT THING.

>> WHEN THIS TIME OF DARKNESS IS

THROUGH, YOUR SOUL WILL SOAR TO

NEW HEIGHTS, AS IF A GREAT

WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED.

AND IT WAS THAT WEIGHT THAT HAS

STIFLED YOU SO.

>> WITH MY BODY NO LONGER, I

WILL BE JUDGED BY WORD ALONE.

MILLS, MY PLACE IN HISTORY IS

SECURE.

>> HUSH!

>> I'M SORRY, BUT YOUR SPEAK IS

SO CRYPTIC, I MUST INTERPRET IT

ALOUD.

PLEASE, GO ON.

>> YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED BY

MANY FOR YOUR KINDNESS, YOUR

LOYALTY, AND YOUR PATIENCE.

>> THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU,

SIR.

>> NOT AT ALL.

>> FOR YOUR WORK WITH THE

ELDERLY, YOU WILL BE GENEROUSLY

REWARDED.

>> THE ELDERLY, SIR?

>> I WILL NOT LISTEN TO THIS

DRIVEL!

TELL ME NOW, PSYCHIC!

WHAT IS THE BRIEF BUT POWERFUL

MONOLOGUE?

>> I AM DOING HIS CARDS!

>> REALLY?

>> YES.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE

GOING TO DO QUITE WELL FOR

YOURSELF.

>> WHAT ABOUT MY CARDS?

>> YOU CARDS?

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO

READ YOUR CARDS?

>> WHY DO YOU THINK I'VE COME

HERE, PSYCHIC?

>> FINE, THEN.

YOU'RE NEXT.

[ ORGAN PLAYS ]

>> FLIP THAT CARD AGAIN.

[ ORGAN PLAYS ]

THAT ORGAN MEANS I'M DOOMED,

HUH?

>> THE CARD MEANS YOU'RE DOOMED.

THE ORGAN'S FOR EFFECT.

>> THAT WAS A BUST.

12 BUCKS, AND SHE TELLS ME WHAT

I ALREADY KNOW.

I HAVE BEEN HOSED, MILLS.

>> NO, NOT REALLY, SIR.

YOU ALSO GET THE STORY OF THE

THING.

WHY DO YOU THINK I PAID $100 FOR

A WATCH THAT ALWAYS BREAKS?

>> I REALLY DON'T KNOW, MILLS.

>> BECAUSE IT WAS BEING SOLD TO

ME BY A LEGLESS MAN NAMED

GRIMELHAUSEN.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

RIDICULOSITY WILL NOT BE

TOLERATED.

>> NO, I PAID $5 FOR THE WATCH

AND $95 FOR THE STORY OF BUYING

THE WATCH FROM A LEGLESS MAN

NAMED GRIMELHAUSEN.

>> THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT TO PAY

FOR AN IDIOTIC STORY.

>> OH, NOT REALLY, SIR.

IT KILLS AT PARTIES.

>> NOT GOING SO WELL AT THIS

ONE.

>> ARE YOU SURE?

YOU'LL BE DEAD SOON.

>> BIOGRAPHER, KILL YOURSELF IN

CHILDHOOD, THE VICTIM OF A

MINING ACCIDENT, AT LEAST UNTIL

YOU APOLOGIZE FOR THAT JOKE.

WHEN YOU DO, HAVE YOURSELF

KILLED TWO YEARS LATER BY

SHARKS.

DID YOU JUST SAY THAT YOUR WATCH

ALWAYS BREAKS?

>> CONSTANTLY.

>> IS IT BROKEN NOW?

>> WHY, YES, IT IS.

>> A SNAIL IS MORE SWIFT, MILLS!

FASTER! FASTER!

>> I'M TRYING, SIR.

[ GRUNTING ]

>> COME ON, MAN!

BUT THIS IS NO SMALL SETBACK,

MILLS.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET

EVERYTHING DONE?

THIS HAS NO HANDS.

AND THIS HAS NO GEARS.

OH, MILLS...

>> WHAT?

[ CLOCKS TICKING ]

>> IT IS 9:30. I...

I'VE BEEN DEAD TWO HOURS.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, SIR.

IT IS 1:30.

WE'RE HOURS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.

>> THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT!

WHICH ONE IS RIGHT?!

>> PERHAPS WE SHOULD TRUST THIS

ONE, SIR.

IT IS GOLD.

>> BUT THAT IS MADNESS, MILLS!

YOU, MAN -- WHAT TIME IS IT?

>> YOU HAVE TO BUY A WATCH TO

GET THE TIME.

>> I REFUSE.

IF I'M FORCED TO LIVE WITHIN THE

CONFINES OF TIME, THE LEAST YOU

COULD DO IS GIVE ME THE HOUR AND

MINUTE WE ARE IN FREE OF CHARGE!

>> TIME IS MY BUSINESS, AND TIME

BEING MY BUSINESS, I MUST CHARGE

FOR TIME.

>> OH, YOU ARE AN IMPUDENT

CLOCKMAKER.

BUT I CONCEDE TO YOUR IDIOCY.

MILLS, PAY THE MAN.

WHAT WATCH WILL THAT BUY?

>> THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR A

PROPER WATCH.

BUT FOR THAT PRICE, I WILL SELL

YOU THE TIME.

>> WELL, LET'S COMPLETE THE

TRANSACTION, MAN.

>> WITH THE AMOUNT YOU GAVE ME,

I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU THE TIME

ONCE.

>> FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS

SACRED, GIVE ME THE WATCH!

OH, MILLS...

>> WHAT?

>> IT IS 3:30.

FOUR HOURS LEFT.

I-I HOPED I HAD MORE TIME.

HERE I AM, SO FAR FROM THE

ANSWER.

>> GIVE ME THE WATCH!

>> SO MUCH TIME, BUT SO LITTLE

TIME.

>> SIR --

>> THE IRONY IS TOO THICK TO

IGNORE.

>> STOP THAT, SIR!

YOUR LIST!

>> THERE'S NO POINT IN HAVING A

LIST IF THERE IS NO TIME TO

COMPLETE IT.

IT IS A WONDER THAT PEOPLE GET

ANYTHING DONE AT ALL.

BESIDES, I-I'M FEELING A BIT

WOOZY AND WOULD LIKE SOME...

>> WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR

FRIEND?

>> ...MORE TIME!

FATHER, I HAVE FALLEN SLIGHTLY

BEHIND.

PLEASE, PLEASE, I HAVE NOT DONE

MUCH CARDIO LATELY.

I AM WEAK.

I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH YOUR BRISK

PACE.

FATHER...

WHOA.

DEMON.

MUST BE THE ROAD TO HADES.

OH. OH, THE BULLIES FROM MY

LIFE, TOGETHER.

THIS MUST BE THE END.

ALL OF THE WOMEN I'VE HAD SEX

WITH.

MOTHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AND ROY?!

IT'S A GOOD THING THERE'S A

RECAP AT THE END.

I BARELY REMEMBER ANY OF THIS.

[ WOLVES HOWLING ]

OH! THANK GOD, MILLS.

MILLS, I DESPERATELY NEED A

RIDE.

MILLS, JUST UP TO THE FINISH

LINE.

>> THAT'S NOT MY FINISH LINE.

THAT'S YOUR FINISH LINE.

>> I'V WON THIS ONE, BINEW, FOR

ALL OF ETERNITY.

[ LAUGHING EVILLY ]

[ WOLF HOWLING ]

>> ALL THOSE SINNERS REPENT.

ALL YE WHO SEEK SALVATION,

COMETH UNTO THE LORD, FOR THE

LORD IS YOUR SAVIOR.

SO SPOKE CHRIST.

[ BELL TOLLS ]

>> THE LIGHT...

SO BRIGHT --

MUCH BRIGHTER THAN BEFORE.

THAT'S IT.

I'M...DEAD?

WELL, THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

MILLS!

>> YES?

>> HOW DID YOU DIE?

>> I DIDN'T.

>> BUT I'M DEAD.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT, SIR.

>> WELL, THEN, WHAT WAS THAT

HEAVENLY VOICE?

>> OVER THERE, SIR.

THEY'RE MAKING SOME SORT OF

PRESENTATION.

>> "COME UNTO ME, ALL YE WHO

LABOUR AND ARE HEAVY LADEN, AND

I WILL GIVE YOU REST, FOR MY

YOKE IS EASY AND MY BURDEN

LIGHT."

>> All: SO SPOKE CHRIST!

>> SO, I'M ALIVE?

>> YES.

>> [ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

I AM STILL ALIVE!

[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

YOU ARE ALIVE.

I AM ALIVE.

WE ARE ALL ALIVE!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> YES, MY BROTHER!

BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WE ARE ALL

ALIVE!

>> DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S

GOD'S FAULT?

>> HE IS INFINITELY CHARITABLE.

>> TO EVERYONE?

>> GOD EMBRACES US ALL AS HIS

CHILDREN.

>> OH, YES, BUT SOME WOULD SAY

THAT I'VE BEEN A BAD MAN.

>> YOU ONLY NEED TO ACCEPT GOD

INTO YOUR HEART, AND HE WILL

FORGIVE YOU OF WHATEVER MISTAKES

YOU HAVE MADE IN THIS LIFE.

>> COME ON. ALL OF THEM?

>> ALL OF THEM.

>> WELL, HE SEEMS VERY POWERFUL.

WHAT ARE THE RULES AGAIN?

>> All: LOVE THY BROTHER!

>> BUT I HATE MY BROTHER, AND HE

HATES ME.

>> FORGIVE HIM, AS GOD DOES.

>> GO NOW.

STAND BEFORE YOUR BROTHER, FOR

WITH GOD'S LOVE, ALL QUARRELS

MAY BE RESOLVED.

>> HMM.

MY FATHER WAS A FOOL, MILLS, FOR

RAISING ME ON THE RELIGION OF

THE ANCIENT GREEKS.

I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THAT GOAT.

WHAT DID YOU NAME THAT GOAT,

MILLS?

>> ZAZIMO, SIR.

>> I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT ZAZIMO.

BUT GOD FORGIVES, AND GOD KNOWS

I HAVE A JOB TO DO.

JESUS CHRIST, THIS IS A LONG

DRIVEWAY.

GOD DAMN IT!

JUST BROKE A RULE.

AW, SHIT!

MILLS, GO AHEAD AND FLOG ME.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> SO, YOU SEE, THEY HAVE THIS

BOOK CALLED "THE BIBLE."

IT TELLS THE STORY OF A MAN

NAMED JESUS -- A MEXICAN

GENTLEMAN, I PRESUME.

I HAVEN'T READ IT YET, BUT THEY

SAY IT'S VERY POPULAR.

>> DON'T BE A JACKASS.

MOTHER RAISED US BOTH IN THE

CHURCH.

YOU WERE BAPTIZED.

>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT

ROBED MAN THAT TRIED TO DROWN

ME?

WHAT A FOND REPRESSED MEMORY.

ANYHOW, THESE CHRISTIANS -- THEY

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

IF I CAME BY AND MADE AMENDS.

I ALSO WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT

I'LL BE DYING IN THREE HOURS.

>> DID YOU COME HERE

SPECIFICALLY TO UPSET MOTHER?

>> KARL --

>> DON'T "KARL" ME, KLAUS.

>> DON'T "KLAUS" ME.

IT'S "K. ROTH."

>> IT HAS BEEN SO NICE NOT

HAVING YOU HERE.

WE HAVEN'T MISSED YOU AT ALL.

>> NO MORE ANIMOSITY, KARL.

IT'S ALL BOURBON UNDER THE

BRIDGE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

HUG ME, KARL.

I WON'T BE AROUND MUCH LONGER.

>> YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT.

IS THAT BLOOD ON YOUR NECK?

>> AH, YES.

I WAS BEATEN EARLIER.

I PASSED OUT TWICE.

MILLS FLOGGED ME IN THE

DRIVEWAY.

THE BLOOD COULD BE FROM ANY OF

THOSE.

BUT THAT IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE.

I SIMPLY WANTED TO COME BY TO

SAY FAREWELL.

I'M SORRY THAT WE DIDN'T GET

ALONG BETTER.

>> YOU'RE NOT DYING.

IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR GODDAMN

SCHEMES.

>> I AM, KARL, AND I WANTED TO

INVITE YOU AND MOTHER TO THE

WAKE.

MILLS?

>> YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR

FATHER...

>> THANK YOU.

>> ...BUT CRAZIER.

>> MOTHER --

>> YOU HAVE EMBARRASSED THIS

FAMILY.

YOU ARE THE TOWN DRUNK AND THE

VILLAGE IDIOT.

YOU RIDE AROUND WITH YOUR MUTE

FRIEND ON THAT RICKSHAW, AND YOU

LIVE IN A MEN'S HOTEL.

WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, I THOUGHT

THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY THAT

YOU'D BE ALL RIGHT.

BUT WHAT KIND OF LIFE HAVE YOU

MADE FOR YOURSELF?

I HAVE WORRIED TOO LONG ABOUT

YOU, KLAUS, AND I AM TIRED NOW.

I'M VERY TIRED.

>> WE'RE BOTH VERY TIRED.

>> JUST THOUGHT I WOULD TRY TO

CONNECT WITH YOU BEFORE I DIE.

>> STOP SAYING THAT!

>> YOU'RE NOT DYING, JUST LIKE

YOU'RE NOT AN ARTIST AND YOU'RE

NOT A WRITER.

THIS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

>> WELL, THERE'S NO POINT IN

TRYING TO CONNECT WITH YOU TWO.

YOU'VE HAD IT OUT FOR ME SINCE

THE BEGINNING, AND I CAN'T

FIGURE OUT WHY.

IF ONLY FATHER WERE HERE.

HE UNDERSTOOD ME.

>> YOU DROVE HIM AWAY!

WHY DO YOU THINK HE LEFT YOU ON

YOUR BIRTHDAY?

HE COULDN'T STAND ANOTHER YEAR

OF YOU.

>> YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO TAKE

THAT BACK BEFORE I WALK OUT OF

HERE IN SILENCE.

I SEE.

MILLS?

>> YOU'RE NOT DYING, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE NOT DYING!

IT'S -- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOTHER.

HE JUST NEEDS TO GO AWAY FOR A

WHILE.

I'LL -- I'LL CALL

DR. SCHOENBERG.

>> I SHOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED TO

THOSE CHRISTIANS, MILLS.

MY FAMILY IS HORRIBLE.

>> WELL, IT WAS NICE THAT YOU

TRIED, SIR.

>> WHAT IS "NICE"?!

>> I DON'T KNOW, SIR.

>> I HAVE SEARCHED FOR THE

ANSWER IN LOVE.

IT WAS NOT THERE.

I KNOW IT WASN'T PRESENT WHEN I

SEARCHED FOR IT IN FAMILY, NOR

DID I FIND IT IN THE ARMS OF A

WOMAN.

SO, I ASK YOU, HAVE I WASTED MY

FINAL DAY SEARCHING IN VAIN?

MILLS, TIME?

>> 5:00, SIR.

>> OH. YOU GOT YOUR WATCH FIXED.

>> YES, WHILE YOU WERE PASSED

OUT.

>> HOW DID I GET OUT OF THERE

ANYHOW?

>> I CARRIED YOU.

>> LIKE A FIREMAN?

>> YES.

>> OH, I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO

HAVE SEEN THAT.

>> YES, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

WELL, SIR, WHERE NEXT?

>> ALL HOPE IS LOST, MILLS.

TO THE SHIFTY MICK.

HOW MANY HOURS IN BARS, DOING

WHAT?

WALKING AROUND WITH A CUP,

POSING IN VARIOUS STANCES WITH A

CUP...

REFILLING THE CUP AND MOVING TO

ANOTHER PART OF THE ROOM,

PERHAPS THE CORNER, SO YOU CAN

SEE THE WHOLE ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE

WITH THEIR CUPS.

"THEY SURE ARE OUT TONIGHT," YOU

SAY TO THE MAN THAT POURS.

"THAT THEY ARE, THAT THEY ARE,"

HE SAYS, TOO BUSY FOR MORE SMALL

TALK.

CUPS TO FILL.

CUPS TO FILL.

>> WELL, THAT'S DEPRESSING.

>> USUALLY YOU'RE MORE JOVIAL.

>> I'M DYING UNFULFILLED, BOYS.

HUMOR ME.

>> PERHAPS IT'S NOT HOW YOU

LIVED BUT HOW YOU DIE.

>> IF YOU DIE HAPPY, YOU STAY

HAPPY.

IF YOU DIE IN SADNESS, YOU

REMAIN IN SADNESS.

>> HOW ARE YOU DYING, K. ROTH?

>> QUITE WELL, THANK YOU.

>> HOW ARE YOU REALLY DYING?

>> HOW AM I DYING?

>> YES.

>> HOW AM I DYING?!

>> THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ASKING.

>> I AM DYING AS YOU WERE

BORN -- PREMATURELY.

I AM DYING AS THE OWNER

DECORATED THIS BAR -- FOOLISHLY.

FINALLY, I AM DYING LIKE MY

DISEASE -- NAMELESS.

>> WHAT ABOUT K. ROTH BINEW AS A

NAME?

>> IT ALREADY IS MY NAME.

>> SOUNDS LIKE A DISEASE IF YOU

SAY IT FAST ENOUGH.

KROTHBINEW.

YOU TRY IT! SAY IT, K. ROTH!

SAY YOU GOT KROTHBINEW.

>> THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.

>> COME ON!

>> IT'LL BE FUN!

>> ALL RIGHT.

READY?

>> YES.

>> YOU'D BETTER NOT COME TOO

CLOSE.

I'VE GOT KROTHBINEW, AND IT'S

AWFULLY CONTAGIOUS.

>> CONTAGIOUS?!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> WELL, I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN HOW

TO DRIVE THE WOMEN AWAY.

>> SIR, YOUR RIDE.

>> THANKS FOR WAITING.

JUST THINK, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO

WAIT OUT HERE AGAIN.

>> IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, SIR.

IT'S GETTING LATE.

WE SHOULD GET YOU TO THE WAKE.

>> LOOK AT THE SKY, MILLS.

IT WILL BE DARK SOON.

>> YES, SIR. IT WILL.

>> MILLS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I

WOULD LIKE SOME TIME ALONE.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH, SIR.

HURRY.

>> DON'T WORRY. [ CHUCKLES ]

ONE CANNOT MISS ONE'S OWN LIVING

WAKE -- NOT FOR THE WORLD.

* I'VE NEVER HAD A SWISS WHORE

OR A PROSTHETIC LEG *

* I'VE NEVER HEARD SOMEONE BEG

FOR MORE *

* I'VE BARELY HEARD PEOPLE BEG

* I'VE NEVER HAD A BEACH HOUSE

OR A MEAL IN A PILL *

* AND IT BOTHERS ME STILL THAT

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO GUAM *

* AND NOW I NEVER WILL

* I THOUGHT I'D LIVE TO SEE THE

FUTURE *

* OR AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT

OF IT NOW *

* MY LIFE IS OVER

* MY BRAIN AND BODY HAVE GONE

TO SHIT *

* AND NOW THE LIFE IS LEAKING

FROM MY BODY LIKE THE WATER

THROUGH A SIEVE *

* THERE WAS NOTHING THAT I GAVE

THIS WORLD *

* SO IT'S LIKE I NEVER LIVED

* SO IT'S LIKE I NEVER LIVED

* SO IT'S LIKE I NEVER LIVED

* SO IT'S LIKE I NEVER...

LIVED AT ALL *

>> Let us begin.

Let us begin our journey toward

the void -- the journey toward

the void.

Let us begin our journey toward

the void.

[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING ]

ALL OF YOU, FOR BETTER OR FOR

WORSE, ARE THE HUMAN BEINGS THAT

HAVE POPULATED K. ROTH BINEW'S

LIFE.

IT IS FOR THIS REASON THAT HE

FEELS IT IS APPROPRIATE THAT YOU

WITNESS HIS DEATH.

SO, LET US BEGIN OUR JOURNEY

TOWARDS THE VOID WITH

K. ROTH BINEW'S LIVING WAKE.

[ FANFARE PLAYS ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

THE IRISH BODY PLAY.

[ SNAPPING FINGERS ]

[ HEELS CLICKING ]

OH! [ LAUGHS ]

LOOK! A BUTTERFLY!

[ LAUGHS ]

OH.

[ SMOOCHES ]

[ FLUTE PLAYS ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ TROMBONE PLAYS ]

THANK YOU!

[ LAUGHS ] YES.

YEAH! THERE YOU GO!

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

OH, LOOK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

IT'S MILLS JOQUIN!

>> THANK YOU.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

"IF I WAS REAL"...

>> BY K. ROTH BINEW.

* IF I WAS REAL, I'D GO TO THE

BAKERY TO GARNER SOME PASTRIES

FOR MY MORNING MEAL *

* AND IF I WAS REAL, I'D

PROBABLY HAVE BABIES *

* MOST LIKELY A LADY TO HAVE

BABIES WITH *

>> THEY LOVE ME OUT THERE.

I'VE GOT THEM RIGHT WHERE I WANT

THEM.

>> * IF I WAS REAL, I'D HAVE

MORE INSURANCE *

* AND IF I WAS REAL, I'D BE A

LOT LESS NERVOUS *

* I'M NOT REAL, I'M JUST BONES

* IF I WAS REAL, I'D HAVE ME A

PARTY, INVITE THE MOST BAWDY

WOMEN I KNOW *

* AND I'D HAVE THEM HOLD ME

FOREVER AND MAKE ME AS REAL AS

I'M NOT *

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

PERHAPS K. ROTH'S GREATEST

REGRET WAS THAT HE NEVER

PRODUCED THE ONE WORK HE ADAPTED

FOR THE STAGE, THE STORY OF AN

ANTEBELLUM SOUTHERN WOMAN AND

ALL OF HER TRIALS AND

TRIBULATIONS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THE

FIRST TIME EVER, K. ROTH BINEW'S

ONE-WOMAN SHOW,

"REMEMBRANCE OF DAWN."

[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ Southern accent ] I DO

REMEMBER MY YOUTH, BEAUREGARD.

I DO.

WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER IT LIKE

MOST, WITH JOY.

NO, I REMEMBER IT WITH SADNESS.

SO MUCH HOPE THAT WAS

SQUANDERED.

SO MANY THINGS THAT WERE LEFT

UNDONE.

OH, HOW I REMEMBER.

OH, HOW I REMEMBER...

SWIMMING.

WE WOULD GO DOWN TO THE QUARRY.

THERE WAS ALWAYS SUCH GOOD

SWIMMING IN THE QUARRY.

MOTHER AND FATHER AND SISTER

WERE THERE.

AND FATHER WOULD WEAR ONE OF

THOSE FULL-BODY BATHING SUITS

THAT WENT OUT IN THE '20s.

OH, HE WOULD LOOK LIKE SUCH A

FOOL IN THAT BATHING SUIT.

BUT IT WAS ALL RIGHT, FOR HE HAD

NICE THIGHS.

AND SOMETIMES -- WELL, SOMETIMES

BILLY WOULD BE AT THE QUARRY.

BILLY ALWAYS SMELLED LIKE

APPLE PIE.

WE WEREN'T QUITE SURE WHY.

WE THOUGHT IT WAS MAYBE A

GLANDULAR DISORDER.

BUT IT WAS ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE HE

WAS SWEET ON ME, AND SISTER WAS

JEALOUS!

[ LAUGHS ]

AND WE WOULD WALK HOME THROUGH A

GREEN FIELD WITH THE SMELLS OF

SUMMER EVERYWHERE, THE CICADAS

SINGING THEIR LOVELY SUMMER

OPERA.

[ SCREECHING ]

IT WAS ALL SO FRESH, SO FULL OF

HOPE, SO UNTAINTED.

AND THEN I MET YOU, BEAUREGARD,

AND ALL THAT WAS PURE BECAME

POLLUTED, AND ALL THAT WAS

INNOCENT BECAME JADED, AND ALL

THOSE SUMMERS TURNED TO

WINTERS -- COLD, HATEFUL, BITTER

WINTERS WITH NO SPRING IN SIGHT!

YOU HAVE TAKEN MY YOUTH,

BEAUREGARD, WHICH I GOT OVER.

BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE MY

THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN!

OH!

>> HE NEEDS AN AMBULANCE!

>> HE'S DEAD!

>> NO! NO!

>> OH, NO.

OH, NO, NO, NO!

NO, DA WAS FALLING.

DAWN FELL.

SHE USED MY BODY.

I'M ALL RIGHT.

I'M ALL RIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY TWO

FRIENDS FROM THE BAR WHOSE NAMES

COMPLETELY ESCAPE ME.

NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST EXCUSE ME

FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, THERE WILL

BE A QUICK CHANGE.

I WOULD LIKE TO REINTRODUCE TO

YOU THE MASTER OF CEREMONIES,

MILLS JOQUIN.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

[ FANFARE PLAYS ]

>> THANK YOU.

UM, SO, THESE ARE ONIONS.

[ BAND PLAYS UP-TEMPO MUSIC ]

[ SOUR NOTE PLAYS, MUSIC STOPS ]

[ MUSIC RESUMES ]

>> SO EXCITING TO BE AT THE

BEGINNING OF A THING.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF EXCITEMENT

THAN THE END -- MORE HOPE, LESS

DREAD.

SO EXCITING TO BE AT THE

BEGINNING OF A THING.

>> AND NONE OF IT AS EXCITING AS

WHAT COMES NEXT.

>> YOU WENT AWAY, AND YOU STAYED

AWAY.

AND NOW YOU'RE HERE, AND WHAT DO

YOU WANT?

>> YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S TOO MUCH TO TAKE IN.

>> OH, I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.

YOU LEFT ME ALONE IN THE WORLD

WITH A FAMILY THAT HATES ME.

YOU RUINED FATHERS AND MEN FOR

ME.

AND NOW, ON MY DEATHBED, YOU

WISH TO MAKE AMENDS.

WELL, LET ME SAY THIS, YOU

SMALL, SELFISH MAN --

>> K. ROTH, PLEASE.

>> LET ME SAY THIS, YOU SMALL,

SELFISH MAN!

YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER.

YOU ARE...AN ANTI-FATHER.

YOU ARE EVERYTHING A FATHER IS

NOT.

YOU LACK FATHER-NESS.

>> I KNEW YOU WOULD RESPOND LIKE

THIS.

>> YOU CAN TAKE YOUR BRIEF BUT

POWERFUL MONOLOGUE AND CHOKE ON

IT.

I WOULDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO

USE IT ANYHOW.

SO IF YOU'LL JUST BE ON YOUR

WAY, THE ENDING WON'T MAKE ANY

SENSE IF YOU MISSED THE MIDDLE.

>> KLAUS...

PLEASE, STEP OFF THE STAGE AND

COME BACK HERE TO TALK TO ME.

>> I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR

TORTUROUS BABBLE RIGHT NOW,

DR. SCHOENBERG.

VERY TIGHT SCHEDULE.

>> KLAUS, YOU ARE HAVING AN

EPISODE, JUST LIKE YOUR PREVIOUS

EPISODES.

>> PLEASE, KLAUS, GO WITH YOUR

DOCTOR NOW.

YOU JUST NEED SOME REST.

>> HE'S NOT MY DOCTOR.

THAT'S MY DOCTOR.

>> K. ROTH BINEW IS DYING OF A

YET-TO-BE-NAMED, GRAVE, VAGUE

DISEASE.

>> THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

>> 10 MINUTES.

>> TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN.

I'M SURE THAT SOME OF YOU HAD A

PROBLEM WITH THE WAY I WALKED

THROUGH THE WORLD, SO AT THE

END, THERE WILL BE A TWO-MINUTE

REBUTTAL, THOUGH I'M SURE IT

WILL BE VICIOUS, SO LET'S CUT IT

OUT ALTOGETHER.

>> GOD DAMN IT!

>> OLD MAN, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT

ME ALL YOU WANT AFTER I'M GONE.

IN FACT, I ENCOURAGE IT.

COLLECT YOURSELVES IN SMALL

GROUPS EVERY THURSDAY EVENING TO

DISCUSS ME AND MY IDEAS.

BUT DON'T FORGET TO RECRUIT FROM

THE LOCAL HIGH SCHOOLS.

PERHAPS MY WORLD VIEW WILL BE

MORE IN TUNE WITH THE YOUNGER

GENERATION.

OH, REGISTERED ON THE SCALE OF

HUMANITY, TO REGISTER NOT AS ONE

OF BILLIONS WHO PASSIVELY

CONSUMED BUT AS ONE WHO

PRODUCES, ONE WHO PRODUCED

SOMETHING PEOPLE CAN TURN TO FOR

THE WISDOM OF THE AGES, JUST TO

SEE A HAND FROM THE FUTURE REACH

FOR MY BOOK ON A SHELF...

SIMPLE, UNREALIZED FANTASIES ARE

NOW TOO OVERWHELMING TO PONDER.

>> NINE MINUTES.

>> I SHOULD WARN YOU, DEAR

FRIENDS, THAT SOMEWHERE IN THIS

AUDIENCE TONIGHT, LURKING, IS

MY ENEMY, THE BANE OF MY

SOON-TO-BE-OVER EXISTENCE, AND

HE IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE,

REGINALD!

>> I'M RIGHT HERE, BINEW!

>> GOOD.

I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU HOW OUR

RIVALRY ENDS.

I'M SURE YOU THINK YOU HAVE WON

BECAUSE I AM DYING.

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> WELL, YOU ARE WRONG, DEAR

FRIEND.

I HAVE WON, BECAUSE WHEN YOU

RETURN HOME TONIGHT, YOU WILL

FIND THAT I HAVE SHIT IN ALL OF

YOUR PANTS.

>> WHAT?!

[ SPECTATORS GROANS ]

>> I HAVE SHIT IN ALL OF YOUR

PANTS.

>> EVEN THE GABERDINES?!

>> YES, REGINALD.

AND THAT FEELING YOU HAVE WHEN

YOU REALIZE THAT I AM NOT

JOKING -- WHY, THAT IS EXACTLY

HOW AWFUL IT HAS BEEN TO LIVE

NEAR YOU ON THE PLANET EARTH FOR

THESE PAST FEW YEARS.

SO, REGINALD, IT SEEMS THAT OUR

CASE IS WELL RESTED.

[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING ]

BECAUSE HE HAS DECIDED TO

MAINTAIN HIS UNWELCOME PRESENCE,

I SEE NO REASON WHY I SHOULD NOT

INTRODUCE HIM.

HE IS, AFTER ALL, RESPONSIBLE

FOR MOST OF MY PERSONALITY

PROBLEMS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FATHER

THAT ABANDONED ME,

LAMPERT BINEW.

>> I DID NOT ABANDON YOU.

>> MAYBE THEY CHANGED THE

DEFINITION OF "ABANDON."

UH, PERHAPS "FORSAKE" OR

"DESERT."

>> EIGHT MINUTES.

>> FATHER, COME BACK IN EIGHT

MINUTES.

I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW.

BEFORE I FORGET, IF ANYBODY

WANTS TWO BLANKETS, HALF A

BOTTLE OF GIN, A TYPEWRITER, AND

A HOT PLATE, THEY'LL BE IN ROOM

NUMBER 8 AT MY BOARDING HOUSE.

BE CAREFUL.

THE TYPEWRITER IS CURSED.

IT ONLY TYPES OUT TRASH --

UNPUBLISHABLE TRASH.

YOU CAN GET THE KEY OFF OF MY

BODY AFTER THE WAKE, LEFT-HAND

POCKET.

THERE IS ALSO A CRISP $50 BILL

TAPED TO MY TESTICLES FOR

WHOEVER IS INTERESTED.

IT IS WELL TAPED, SO I IMAGINE

IT WILL REQUIRE SOME WORK.

NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH.

MILLS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS MY SHOW.

>> I'VE WRITTEN SOMETHING FOR

YOU.

>> WELL, I'M NOT FINISHED, AND I

DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD DO IT

WHEN I'M GONE?

>> NO.

[ Voice breaking ] IT WILL ONLY

TAKE A MOMENT, PLEASE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

[ VIOLIN PLAYING ]

>> "K. ROTH BINEW, MY KING, MY

LIGHT, YOUR DAY THE LAST HAS

COME.

AND AS YOUR BREATH DOTH SEEK ITS

DEATH UPON THE SETTING SUN, I

CAST MY SIGHTS TO FANCY FLIGHTS,

WHEN YOU AND I WERE YOUNG.

K. ROTH BINEW, MY KING, MY

LIGHT, WE WILL NOT MEET AGAIN.

K. ROTH BINEW, SO FALLS THE

NIGHT...

WHEN FALLS MY ONLY FRIEND."

>> THANK YOU, MILLS.

I SEE NOW WHY THE WAKE IS

TRADITIONALLY HELD AFTER DEATH.

MUCH QUIETER.

LESS PAINFUL.

YOU CAN FABRICATE THE

DISPOSITION OF THE DEAD.

YOU CANNOT HEAR THEM HOWLING

THEIR LAST BREATH IN DEFIANCE.

HOWL!

LIKE THAT.

HOWL!

THAT IS MY INTERPRETATION OF

DEFIANCE.

>> I DIED THAT DAY AT THE ZOO.

>> REALLY, FATHER, THIS CONSTANT

INTERRUPTION IS INEXCUSABLE.

>> I'D GOTTEN YOU A SMALL PANDA.

A STUFFED ANIMAL, OF COURSE.

WHILE LEAVING THE ZOO, SOMEONE

BUMPED ME, AND THE PANDA FELL

INTO A CAGE.

I WAS IN A HURRY, SO WITHOUT

THINKING, I CLIMBED THE FENCE.

AS I BENT DOWN TO GET THE PANDA,

I REALIZED I WAS SURROUNDED BY

BADGERS.

"WHY A CAGE FULL OF BADGERS?"

I THOUGHT.

"WHO WANTS TO LOOK AT A BADGER?"

FIRST THEY TORE THROUGH MY

CLOTHES, THEN MY SKIN, THEN THE

SINEW, THEN THE BONE.

I WAS COMPLETELY DEVOURED.

THE ONLY EVIDENCE REMAINING WAS

THE TOY PANDA...AND THE 10

BADGERS WITH BLOODY TEETH.

>> SO, YOU WOULD HAVE COME BACK?

>> YES.

>> AND YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME

WHAT IT ALL MEANT?

>> K. ROTH, LIFE IS NOT LIKE ONE

OF YOUR WORD PROBLEMS.

THERE'S NO EQUATION FOR LIFE.

>> I GUESS LIFE WOULD BE A VERY

LONG WORD PROBLEM.

BUT YOU IMPLIED THAT THERE WAS A

DEFINITIVE ANSWER.

>> THERE'S NO ANSWER, JUST A

DECISION -- A DECISION YOU MADE

LONG AGO, K. ROTH.

>> AND WHAT WAS THAT?

>> TO LIVE IN THE WORLD OF

POSSIBILITIES, TO EMBRACE

THOUGHTS AS SOMETHING NOT TO BE

IGNORED BUT SHOUTED FROM THE

HIGHEST TOWER.

>> SO...

YOU'RE DEAD...

RIGHT NOW?

>> I THOUGHT YOU FIGURED THAT

OUT IN THE TENT.

YES. NO ONE CAN SEE ME BUT YOU.

>> [ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

>> WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

>> FIVE MINUTES.

>> [ Voice breaking ] OH.

OH, BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO EARN

MY SEAT AT THE TABLE OF ETERNAL

LITERARY GREATS!

I HAVE NO GOAL COMPLETED!

>> YOU HAVE TRIED.

>> AND I HAVE FAILED.

I AM NOT A SCULPTOR.

I AM NOT A WRITER.

I AM NOT A PAINTER!

I AM NOT A DANCER!

I AM A STUPID, DRUNK, SCARED,

DYING MAN!

I AM...A DEAD MAN!

>> PERHAPS YOU ARE ALL OF THESE

THINGS, K. ROTH, BUT YOU HAVE

NEVER BEEN SCARED.

WHY SHOULD YOU BE NOW?

>> YOU'RE RIGHT, FATHER.

>> FOUR MINUTES.

>> I-I CAN BE STUPID.

[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ]

AND -- AND I CAN BE DRUNK!

I'M KIND OF FACED RIGHT NOW!

BUT I WAS NOT, COULD NOT, HAVE

NEVER BEEN SCARED!

AND I VOW FOR THE NEXT FOUR

MINUTES, THINGS WILL BE NO

DIFFERENT!

>> THAT'S MY BOY.

>> [ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]

I-I HAVE BECOME SO VERY STRANGE,

FATHER!

>> YOU HAVE ONLY BECOME

YOURSELF, K. ROTH.

COME NOW.

IT IS TIME TO FINISH.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

COULD -- COULD I NOT JUST STAY A

LITTLE LONGER?

UM, MILLS WILL BE LOST WITHOUT

ME.

>> YOU KNOW IT'S TIME, K. ROTH.

[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]

THEY'RE PLAYING YOUR SONG,

K. ROTH.

>> THE ONE FROM EARLIER.

BUT I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS.

>> DON'T WORRY.

THEY'LL COME TO YOU.

>> * AND SO I TAKE MY

FINAL BOW *

* AND THOUGH THE CURTAIN'S

HALFWAY DOWN *

* I'LL SPEAK MY PIECE

* I'LL SHOUT IT OUT TO ALL OF

YOU WHO'VE GATHERED 'ROUND *

I DO KNOW IT!

* THREE-PIECE SUIT

* KERCHIEF PEEKING OUT

* SHOES TO BOOT

* YOU SEE ME, YOU KNOW

I-I-I-I-I-I-I'M... *

* DRESSED FOR DEATH

* GOT MY TICKET

* I'LL TAKE THE EXPRESS

* TO THE OTHER SIDE

* MY LAST BREATH

* WON'T BE WASTED ON YOU,

DEATH *

* I'M THE BETTER MAN

* AND WHEN I NO LONGER DWELL

INSIDE THIS WELL-WORN

HUMAN SHELL *

* I'LL EITHER LAUGH AT ALL

MY WOE *

* OR I'LL JUST BE DEAD

IT'S TOO BAD THE VAGINA'S NOT

MORE INVOLVED IN DEATH.

JUST AS I WAS GETTING USED TO

IT.

MILLS, BATON!

* DON'T BE SAD

* SIMPLY THINK OF THE TIMES

WE HAD *

* ALL THE LAUGHTER AND THE TEARS

WE SHED *

* EH, YOU WON'T REMEMBER THEM

WHEN YOU'RE DEAD *

* SO DRINK AND LAUGH AND LIVE

* 'CAUSE LIFE'S NOT SUPPOSED

TO BE AN EXERCISE IN MISERY *

* IT IS A CARNIVAL WHERE

EVERYTHING IS FREE *

I'D TELL YOU TO LOSE THE OLD

MAN, BUT SEEING AS I'M LEAVING,

WELL, MAYBE WE'LL RUN INTO EACH

OTHER IN THE VOID.

>> HEY!

>> * DRESSED FOR DEATH

* DON'T YOU SEE THAT I'M DRESSED

TO DIE? *

* AND IN PARTING, I HAVE ONE

REQUEST *

* SHOW YOUR FACE, DEATH, TO

THESE FEW GUESTS *

* BECAUSE THEY'LL MEET YOU, TOO,

SOMEDAY *

* IF YOU MEET THEM NOW, YOU'LL

GET IT OUT OF THE WAY *

* WHEN YOU MEET THEM AGAIN AND

IT'S THEIR TURN TO DIE, YOU'LL

BE OLD FRIENDS *

>> STOP THIS NONSENSE!

IT'S GONE TOO FAR.

>> IF YOU THINK THAT'S

RIDICULOUS, MOTHER, WAIT TILL

YOU SEE THE FINALE.

* TAKE ME NOW!

* I'M QUITE READY

* COME ON DOWN

* WITH YOUR BLADE AND YOUR LONG,

BLACK GOWN *

* A SMILE WILL GREET YOU, NOT

A FROWN *

* BECAUSE I'VE REFLECTED UPON

MY LIFE *

* AND I THINK IT'S DONE, AND I

THINK IT WAS RIGHT *

* AND IF I'D NEVER LIVED THIS

LIFE, IT WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN

LIVED *

>> HE'S...DEAD.

>> I WAS RIGHT.

I WAS RIGHT.

>> I WILL TRY MY BEST TO GET

THEM IN.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> I LOVE YOU.

[ SMOOCHES ]

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR

TRYING TO STEAL A MAN'S DAME.

>> YOU WERE ALL RIGHT.

A LITTLE STRANGE, BUT ALL RIGHT.

[ ZIPPER OPENS ]

[ TAPE RIPS ]

[ SPECTATORS GASP ]

[ WOLVES HOWLING ]

>> YEAH.

>> [ CRYING ]

[ "DRESSED FOR DEATH" PLAYING ]

>> [ TRILLS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ SCATTING ]

[ SCATTING CONTINUES ]

[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]

[ SCATTING ]

* DRESSED FOR DEATH

* DON'T YOU SEE THAT I'M DRESSED

TO DIE? *

[ SCATTING ]

* IF YOU MEET THEM NOW, YOU'LL

GET IT OUT OF THE WAY *

* WHEN YOU MEET THEM AGAIN AND

IT'S THEIR TURN TO DIE... *

[ CLAPPING ]

>> WHOO!

>> [ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ ALL CHEERING ]

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ ALL CHEERING ]

[ BIRD SQUAWKS ]

>> YEAH!

>> YEAH!

>> [ WHISTLING ]

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

>> WHOO!

>> ONE MORE TAKE, ONE MORE TAKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]